Rick and Morty (2013) s04e04 Episode Script

1 Rick, we did it! We we got it! Hurry up, Morty.
Get in! - Chachi! - [BLEEP.]
Chachi, Morty.
- Did you get it? - He helped me escape prison.
Did you get the Ultimate Cube? Oh, it's purple.
Y-You said it was purple.
I said mine was.
I didn't know they all were.
And now we do, thanks to Chichi.
Chachi.
So, uh, w-w-when do I get it? Get what, a hug? Let's find a planet with a garden hose first.
- A dragon.
- A dragon.
You asked me to cut class and fight robots with you.
I said, "No.
" You said, "Millions of lives depend on it.
" I said, "I'll do it for a dragon.
" You said, "Whatever.
" I want my dragon.
You know who's into dragons, Morty? Nerds that refuse to admit they're Christian.
- I want my dragon.
- Let me give you rocket shoes.
Let me give you Wolverine claws.
Let me give you a [BLEEP.]
rocket hat.
Just be sure to use it with the rocket shoes, or it'll rip your head off.
I want my dragon! I want my dragon! - I want my dragon! - [GAS HISSES.]
- Oh.
- Ha! Ha! Oh, crap.
[COUGHS.]
Crap.
Dad, are you okay? Your ship crashed in Malta.
[GROANS.]
I'm okay.
Oh, thank God.
Dad, did you promise Morty a dragon? Fuuuuuuu Ugh! Bleed here and here.
RICK: I'm not co-bleeding.
Under authority of our treaty 'twixt the realms of dragon and man Oh, my God, it's my first gay wedding.
- Summer! - I hereby bind this noble serpent and rider at the soul.
Here's your tome of dragon spells and lore.
That'll have everything you need.
Enjoy your dragon.
Okay, dragon, here's the house rules.
[ROARS.]
My name is Balthromaw, breaker of sky, slayer of mountain.
Rule one you are now scooper of your own poops, or I will take you down like the black-light poster you are.
I don't got any more rules.
That's it.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
I'm guessing you'd rather not be tagged in this.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's with the talking cat? - It's a dragon, dip knob.
- I know that's a dragon.
I'm talking about the talking cat in my bedroom.
Jerry, why would I give Morty a talking dragon and you a talking cat at the same time? Those concepts bump.
If you're talking to a cat, it's an abnormal event unrelated to me like when you went to Pluto or [BLEEP.]
my daughter.
Okay, there's really no need to get savage.
CAT: So? Eh, he says he has nothing to do with your talking.
- Told you.
- So then why are you talking? - Why should that matter? - Why should it not matter? How do I know I'm not hallucinating? Rick said this is an abnormal event.
Do you always need Rick to tell you what's going on? Maybe it's time you stopped asking questions and started having fun.
Oh.
Wow, okay.
So, what do you want? I want you to take us to the airport and get us two first-class tickets to Florida.
Why, I I can do that.
[LAUGHING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, this is so cool! [SIGHS.]
I await your next command.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Nobody is commanding anybody.
I love soaring through the sky with you as equals.
W-What do you want to do? I want to enter my lair and sleep upon my hoard until the Age of Man expires.
Okay.
Split the diff? 20-minute nap and soar through the sky? Ugh.
As you command.
Okay, see you soon.
T-This is fun.
Yeah, right.
What's this show called, "Ass"? Yeah, it's like "Bones," but they solve ass crimes.
WOMAN ON TV: This ass is a clue.
Are these two gonna hook up? No, and only the lame fans want that.
Don't tell me how to enjoy things.
- Go to her ass.
- That's Brenner.
Go to Brenner Ass.
Honeymoon over already? What's that supposed to mean? Admit it, Morty.
Dragons suck.
Why don't you admit you don't anyone else to be happy because you're a sad old fart? How do you saddle a fart? Holy [BLEEP.]
, look! - I love you, Ass.
- I love you, Brenner.
- No.
- Shh.
- Ah! - Whoa! And that's the end of the "Morty Gets a Dragon" episode.
- Are you gonna slay it? - First off, I always slay it, queen.
- Secondly, yes.
- Should I pause "Ass"? Nah, it's kind of boring now that they're together.
[SNORING.]
Hey, [BLEEP.]
face! Will you shut the [BLEEP.]
up or at least roll over? - [GROANS.]
- Oh, no, it burns.
Oh, my God.
Oh, the fire of of it all.
Ah, if only I had prepared better for this terrifying battle by remembering the only thing dragons are known for.
Careful you don't get heartburn.
I made that android with a lot of C4.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I imbued it with a remote-controlled explode-y potion.
You have bested me.
I am at your service.
Good to be on the same parchment.
Now, I'm gonna tell my grandson you ran off with a low-flying 747 while you pack up your Wait, is this Why do you have an original Ecto Cooler juice box from 1989? I hoard that which your kind covets.
- Give you 20 bucks for it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Nice try.
What the hell else are you hoarding down here? Cha-ching.
"Small Soldiers" Spin Pops? - Don't open that.
- I'm not an idiot.
Hey, why do you have Future's self-titled album on vinyl? Look closer.
Oh, [BLEEP.]
, he signed it.
Closer.
He signed it in molly and Percocet? I could spend all night down here.
Do you indulge in volcanic fumes? Is it gonna [BLEEP.]
up my brain? - No.
- I'll do it anyway.
Hoo, those were not cheap tickets, but, um, I'm down to clown.
Uh, w-w-w-why can you talk again, uh? It's not important, Jerry.
Okay, but why Florida? Because they don't ask questions.
They play volleyball, they party, and they have fun.
Right, right.
You can do this, Jerry.
I can do this.
I can do this.
Ohh! Ugh! Oh, yeah.
JIPE: Hey, Jerry, after this game, come to my yacht and bring your cat.
You got it, Jipe.
I got to admit, you were right.
I've got to tell you something, Jerry.
This is the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.
WOMAN: Oh, gross! Who shit in the sand? Someone took a small shit in the sand and buried it with, like, two little kicks and just left it here like a land mine.
Why and who? It was him.
[BOOING.]
Help! Yo Percocets, yeah, molly, Percocets, Percosets Percocets, yeah, molly, Percocets, Percosets Mask on, mask off Gas gone, never nod off I'm being summoned by Morty.
Yeah.
He's, uh, texting me.
Hmm.
How are you responding? Ugh, I tend not to, or maybe I'll send, like, a popular animated GIF that could be interpreted in almost any way.
Brilliant.
I summon thee.
I summon thee, Balthromaw.
What the hell? Taylor Swift pumping her hands in the air? - What does it mean when - It means you're lame.
Yo Percocets, yeah Molly, Percocets, Percosets Percocets, yeah, molly, percocets, percosets Mask on, mask off Gas gone, never nod off What's the saying? "Orcs work to live.
Dwarves live to work.
" So dumb.
If there's ever a saying about me, I'll fly into the [BLEEP.]
Sun.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, you're small for a dragon, Rick.
Well, I sleep on an extra big pile of awesome shit.
Then there will be sayings about you.
Your lessers will hunt you down, and you will be owned or slain.
That's why they call it a dying breed, brother.
Ugh! Ughh! Oh, God.
- Ugh.
My soul.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.
I'm I'm I'm a dragon.
- Oh! - Ugh, I'm bonding.
I'm bonding too.
- Oh! - Yeah.
What the [BLEEP.]
! - Morty, I can explain.
- Stop! Why are you still doing it? Why does it feel better now? I hope it's not because you're watching, but don't go anywhere.
How did you find us? We followed the smell of sulfur and skankery.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, man, ugh.
- [BLEEP.]
this.
You can take this stupid fake soul-bond contract, and you can mm! Ah! No refunds.
Your dragon soul-bonded with my grandpa.
Oh, my! I am so sorry.
- That is a total violation.
- Yeah, no shit.
I'll take care of this at once.
You slut dragon! - What the [BLEEP.]
! - You slut.
- Chill out, dude.
- Slut! - Okay, that's - You slut! - Y-You don't have to - Slut! Shame on you! - Shame, you slut! You slutty - Ow! - slutty - Why the [BLEEP.]
does it feel - like you're whipping me? - slut! Because your soul got tangled - in a dirty - Ah! - slutty slut soul! - Ow! Ow! - Let's go! - Ow! Ow! - Get to that portal, you slut.
- Grandpa, do something, or I will tweet, and you will be canceled.
Hey, Dandruff the Great, lighten up and give the kid his dragon.
By whose command? You have no magic.
Yeah, I know.
I have actual power.
Not here, you don't.
True power looks like this Stone monster.
- Stick that up your ass.
- Oh, you're done? I thought the rock monster was here to introduce a physicist.
Spinal cord, uh, activate morphine.
Oh, I might be [BLEEP.]
.
Lightning bridge! Okay, he's gone.
Listen up.
There's probably animals in these hills.
If you spare me, I can make your crotch a salt lick.
Agana aksaka sapooloo.
Thank you, Morty.
Figures you'd be higher status in Lame World.
Get your [BLEEP.]
together, Lair Wrecker.
We need to rescue Balthromaw.
Morty, the moral of this story is bros before dragons.
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, if he dies while you're soul bonded, you die too.
Morty, the moral of this story is bros rescue dragons.
Balthromaw, by soul bonding with multiple riders, you have violated the treaty between dragon and mankind.
The Dragonarchy sentences you to hang by the neck until dead.
On the count of three.
One Dragonarchy, two Dragonarchy, 2 1/2 I just wanted to make sure Three! - [CHOKING.]
- Grandpa Rick, what's wrong? Oh, God.
The wizard must have hung Balthromaw! Well, [BLEEP.]
it.
Can we go back then? W-Well, no, no.
It takes, like, 78 years to hang a dragon to death, so Aw, man.
It's so annoying.
You ever, like, try to swallow a really big vitamin with no water? Ugh! You know, like [CLEARS THROAT.]
really, like, big one, you know, and it kind of gets, ugh, stuck in your throat? It's it's annoying.
All right.
Morty, go ahead and activate this golem.
Agana aksaka sapooloo.
[GOLEM ROARING.]
[BLEEP.]
dumb.
All right.
Who wants to be infused with, like, uh, unreasonable power? Oh, can I be, like, a sexy arrow-shooty lady? Yeah, whatever.
There's no rules.
I don't care.
Morty, you want superpowers? No, thanks.
I'm fine.
I've got my book.
All right.
Good luck with that.
Let's go.
- [ROARING.]
- [COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT.]
God, it's like have you ever had too much orange juice, or, like, you know how egg yolk kind of, like, gets in your throat? Yeah, we get it.
Come on and hurry.
W-We got to free Balthromaw.
- Upsulu - I got this.
Morty, how's that book working out for you, you [BLEEP.]
d-d-dumb-ass? Huh.
You know what? You're right.
I could get used to this magic stuff.
There's Balthromaw.
Check this shit out.
Watch this.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Don't even look.
Don't even bother looking.
Just [BLEEP.]
let magic guide your arrow.
Summer, what the hell are you doing? - Take this seriously.
- Shut the [BLEEP.]
up, Morty.
Stop trying to pretend like magic involves skill or thought.
Summer, make it look like it's coming out of your butthole.
Yeah, yeah.
Ah! Oh, [BLEEP.]
, my [BLEEP.]
eye, oh! What in the Medieval equivalent of tarnation Jesus Christ! Summer, you [BLEEP.]
idiot! Power of 12 feet.
Uh, ow, [BLEEP.]
! I take it all back! I [BLEEP.]
hate magic! Ah! Slut thief! You're a slut thief! [ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
Pretty fun boat, fun people.
That's great, not being asked why I can talk.
I'm a talking cat, but "Who cares why?" is my point.
Well, nice talking to you for no reason.
Jorge, that was a good one, but do you know what a peanut butter gargoyle is? Nah, what's that? Dude, it's when you take the chick, - put her feet on a cathedral - Sorry to interrupt, guys.
Just want to clarify, are these real sex positions? Because if they are, how are they gratifying to the male at all? And if the goal is to make something up, why not make up something funnier? I'm asking too many questions, aren't I? How ironic.
Get out of Florida, - you overthinking cat.
- Why don't you go overthink [BLEEP.]
up north in Georgia? ALL: Hate that cat.
You got any money for a cab? Why ask questions? Why not just have fun? I deserve that.
WIZARD: Attention, citizens of Draygon, a slut dragon has escaped.
Anyone caught harboring it is also a slut.
- That's how it goes.
- Ow, my eye.
It pains me that you can feel my pain.
Yeah, how about you suck your [BLEEP.]
.
Which is also somehow my [BLEEP.]
? Aw, why can't couples that start out cheating ever end up happy? M-Maybe I can find that wizard's portal spell in here and g-get us home.
How about finding the spell that unbinds me from your [BLEEP.]
dragon? DEBRANAVOX: No spells can do that.
Only the wizard can unbind soul bonds.
Uh, who the [BLEEP.]
are you? Who are we? Who the [BLEEP.]
are you, bitch? Debrah, stop.
We are the slut dragons.
We live in these slut caves where we [BLEEP.]
, suck, and eat [BLEEP.]
and we kindly ask that you leave.
If the wizard knows we are here, he will imprison us.
Yeah! We like it down here 'cause we can [BLEEP.]
woolly mammoths.
Get out! - Get the [BLEEP.]
out of here, Michael! - Shut up, Michael! You're the only one that [BLEEP.]
that thing.
Get the [BLEEP.]
out of here.
Well, at least I'm not into [BLEEP.]
play.
- [BLEEP.]
you! - Hey, wait! Everybody stop, stop! Listen, this is all my fault.
I started all this when I tried to control Balthromaw, and that was [BLEEP.]
up.
Nobody should control anyone, especially that guy up there.
And, um, you can eat [BLEEP.]
if you want, I guess.
- I, uh - I got this, Morty.
Okay, listen up, slut dragons! Wouldn't you rather be sluts up there, have a [BLEEP.]
world instead of a [BLEEP.]
cave? What's wrong with you? This man with a ponytail makes a valid point.
All dragons are sluts deep down, even the ones up above, but we would have to kill the wizard to be free.
He is too powerful.
There is a way to kill the wizard.
Whoa.
Who's this mysterious character? Shadow Jacker, you haven't come out of your masturbation cave in eons.
It's high time I emerge from my [BLEEP.]
cocoon.
I grow tired of eavesdropping and masturbating to the sounds you all make.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
C-Could use a little more mystery.
Oh, oh, just now seeing the staff.
We've never had enough sluts to defeat the wizard.
Now, with the four fresh, wet sluts that just landed on our doorstep, we finally have a chance.
So killing the wizard will break my soul bond.
Yes, it solves all of our problems.
We must begin a 10-slut soul orgy - MORTY: Wait, wait, what? - and become the all-slut slut phoenix dragon, - Slut.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Hold on.
There's got to be something else in here.
There's got to be another way.
Just give me a second.
I haven't read all this yet.
[ALL MOANING.]
- Oh! - Oh, my God.
Maybe don't tell your parents we did this? [MOANING CONTINUES.]
Oh, oh, no.
Oh wait, please, no! Ice spell! Ice spell! Oh, God! That just made it last longer.
Ah, it burns longer! Ah, I could have died fast! Thank you, strangers.
Well, it's your world now.
Have fun with empowerment.
It seems to make everyone that gets it really happy.
All right, guys.
I'll use this to open a portal.
Uh, open a portal to Earth.
Let's get the hell out of here fast.
God, look at this piece of [BLEEP.]
.
Why is there writing on it? Who writes on a portal? Should've taken me up on those Wolverine claws instead, Morty.
Wait, why did the dragon come? I was thinking we could hang out? Oh, yeah.
Whoa, Jesus.
Your dad's been texting me this whole time? Uh, he's at an airport with a cat.
Okay, that That sounds wow.
You know, I better check on him.
Big season finale right there, you know? Better, uh Better go right now.
Also, I told you not to get a dragon, Morty.
This is your fault.
[BLEEP.]
you, - worst adventure ever.
- Worst adventure ever.
Yeah, uh, I guess you better be on your way too, Balthromaw.
Well, I've been thinking.
What you said back there in the cave really resonated with me.
Maybe we could try again? Look, to be honest, I'm kind of grossed out with the sexual nature of how everything unfolded.
I didn't know how sexual dragons were.
I kind of just wanted to do some D&D stuff, you know? And have a soul orgy with your sister and grandpa and every dragon we could find, yeah? No, look, can you please just go? I-I-I really want to shower.
Maybe a quick soul bone before I go.
I-I-I-I'm good.
I think I just need to be alone and sort of un unpack all this.
What about your grandpa? Would he want to? I can wait.
No, I think you better go.
I-I'm gonna take that shower.
If it's just warm liquid you want trickled over your body, - I could maybe - No, no, look.
I just want to be clean! I-I-I feel dirty after everything that's happened.
How about a quick hand bond? - I like doing it.
- You're embarrassing yourself.
I-I-I'm closing the door.
[BLEEP.]
soul teasers.
This is a cool car.
I like having fun.
That's what I'm talking about.
Keep it moving.
Don't ask why I can talk.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Uh-huh.
For sure.
For sure.
Where are we going? Quantum radiator might need some nanowater.
We We can stretch our legs.
[BOTTLES CLATTER.]
So, uh, why can you talk? What is this? I need you in one spot for a clean mind scan.
Mind scan? Look, you're overthinking it.
The point of a talking cat is to have fun.
I find the insinuation that I can't ask questions and have fun condescending.
- Y-You find it condescending, Jerry? - Yes.
All right.
I'm from outer space.
- Happy? - No.
Exactly, because no answer would be satisfying.
Because it's a lie.
Let's see the truth.
What in the [EXPLOSIONS.]
Oh, son of a bitch.
- Jerry, don't.
- I want to see.
No, you do not.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! - At least now maybe - Get the hell out of here! - But I've got nowhere to go.
- Get out! - Get out! - Get out! [CRYING.]
[CRYING.]
He was in my home where I keep photos of my parents.
Jerry, I have a device.
I-It can make us forget.
No, I don't think we should forget, not this.
Someone has to remember.
Someone will.
Did we crash? Where's the cat? He, uh, ran away.
- Did you scan his brain? - Yeah.
Did you find out why he can talk? He's from outer space.
Outer space? That little [CHUCKLES.]
Of course, total mind [BLEEP.]
.
Now, that's what I call draggin'.
What? It's a joke.
You're a dragon draggin' your stuff.
I understand.
So, how you doing? I grow weary of you humans.
How about 50 bucks? You weary of 50 bucks? I'm trying to cheat on my wife.
I'm looking for a little magic, a little fantasy.
You could use some help.
Let's help each other, huh? 50 bucks.
[ROARS.]
Slut.
Nice.
Is there a reason you can speak? Yeah, and I'm ashamed of it.
Then speak of it no more.
Do you wish to eat, maybe bond a little? Yeah, I could bond.
How long does it take you to fly to Florida?