Rumpole of the Bailey (1978) s04e04 Episode Script

Er, let's start, shall we? I'll serve.
(Man) Balls, judge.
Bad luck, Judge.
What rotten luck! Really, Guthrie.
Nice one, Judge! - Mine, Marigold! - Mine! - Oh! - Guthrie! Are you all right? - Nothing broken, I hope? - It's my elbow.
Twiddle your fingers.
There you are.
Nothing broken.
Ooh! Ooh.
Oh, the most extraordinary shooting pain! Oh, you poor man! You are in the wars, aren't you? Rotten luck.
Such a super shot! - It'll wear off.
- Absolutely no signs of wearing off.
Rub it.
For heaven's sake, Guthrie! Don't be such a baby.
Ooh! Ah! Ooh.
Muscular, is it, Your Lordship's affliction? Muscular, Norman.
One tries not to complain.
Only one thing for a muscular pain.
- Aspirins? - No, no, throw away the aspirins.
No, no, it's a deep massage.
- That's what Your Lordship needs.
- Oh.
- Here, let me slip this off for you.
Oh.
Your Lordship would need a masseuse with strong fingers, to manipulate the fibres in depth.
- Ooh! - Yes, I can feel.
- They're in need of deep manipulation.
- Really? I know the masseuse who'd get down to those fibres and release the tension.
- You do? - The wife's sister's daughter, Elsie.
Thoroughly respectable, fingers like the grab of a crane.
- Talented girl.
- Just what the doctor ordered.
Our little Elsie's brought relief to thousands of sufferers.
Where does she carry out her practice? In a hygienically run health centre, My Lord, a stone's throw off the Tottenham Court Road.
The Tottenham Court Road? - It's not oriental in any way, is it? - Bless you, no, My Lord.
No, they're all respectable girls, mostly drawn from the Croydon area.
All medically trained.
Medically trained? Well, that's reassuring.
Yes, they've made a thorough study of the human anatomy.
As you've received no relief through the usual channels My doctor's absolutely useless.
Well, then, there you are, My Lord.
You're quite right, Norman.
Why not try a little alternative medicine? - Good for you.
- Oh! (Henry) We'll book that for 4.
30 - Ha-ha-ha! - (Henry) Very good, sir.
"Through the Jungle very softly flits a shadow and a sigh" Is this our old clerk's room or the tropical house at Kew Gardens? It's Mr Hearthstoke.
Hearthstoke! Some old gardener, no doubt? No, Mr Hearthstoke's the new young man in chambers.
He reckons our office needs a more contemporary look.
I was ticked off for golfing.
- Uncle Tom's been ticked off.
- Asked to do it upstairs.
But down here you see the world passing by.
You carry on putting.
Imagine you're on the fourth green at Kuala Lumpur.
I don't know that one.
Could I have a word? In confidence? In the passage? It's not only my clerk's room that should have a more contemporary look, he says we could do with a more up-market typist.
Dianne has always been extremely popular with the legal executives.
She's a very fine-Iooking girl, Dianne.
A very fine sturdy-Iooking girl.
Worse than that, he wants to privatise the clerking.
He what? Mr Hearthstoke's not over-enamoured of my ten percent.
Good God! If barristers' clerks didn't get their ten percent we'd have no one left to envy.
He's got his criticisms of you too, Mr Rumpole.
That's why I thought we might be in the same boat.
- Of me? - We've had our differences in the past What has he got to criticise about me, pray? He's not over-enamoured of your old Burberry.
Oh, come on, Henry.
Why this hangdog look? What on earth's the need for this stricken whisper? If he's only been here a few weeks He was voted in when you were in Cardiff.
Why does our head of chambers pay any attention to this Mr Hearthrug? Quite frankly, it seems to Dianne and me he thinks the sun shines out of Mr Hearthstoke's Aren't you coming to chambers meeting, Rumpole? (Indistinct chatter) I've asked Hearthstoke to carry out an efficiency study into Number Three Equity Court, and I must say he's done a superb job, quite superb.
- Would you speak to this paper? - Will it answer back? - What's that, Rumpole? - Nothing, nothing at all.
That's a good one! Would it answer back! Shh! Tut-tut-tut! I am doing a feasibility study in putting our clerking out to private tender.
A young upthrusting group of chartered accountants could do the job at considerably less than Henry's ten percent.
As a matter of fact, I'm entirely in favour of the privatisation of Henry.
Speaking as a chap with daughters, I can ill afford ten percent.
Those of us with a bit of practice at the bar, those of us who can't spend our days doing feasibility studies on the price of paper-clips, try to keep our clerk's room happy.
I don't want to find it full of upthrusting young chartered accountants.
- It'd bring up my breakfast.
- Is that all? Absolutely.
I'm going to work.
There's a dingy-Iooking character in a dirty mac in the waiting room for you.
Thank you.
Yes, I was going to raise the general standard of appearance.
Raise it on your own, Hearthrug.
I'm busy.
Dr Maurice Horridge.
Where does the "Doctor" come from, by the way? New Bognor, a small seat of learning in the shadow of the Canadian Rockies.
- You know Canada well, do you? - I was never out of England.
Alas.
So, your degree, you wrote up for it? A diploma by correspondence, nonetheless valuable for that.
- (Rumpole) A doctorate in - Theology, Mr Rumpole.
I trust you find that helpful? Oh, yes, very helpful indeed, if you want to be well up on the Book of Job.
Or carry on an intelligent chat on the subject of Ezekiel.
I just don't see how it helps in the massage business.
The line of the body is the line of God.
We are all created in His image.
Yes, he must be a rather strange-Iooking fellow.
The girls you use in these massage parlours of yours - All fully trained, Mr Rumpole.
- Oh? Medically? In my principles, the principles of the spiritual alignment of the bones.
It's alleged, they so far forgot their spiritual mission as to indulge in hanky-panky with your customers.
I cannot believe it, Mr Rumpole.
I simply cannot believe it of my girls.
So, the defence against this charge of living on immoral earnings Immoral earnings? (Chuckles) Me, who has majored in theology? is that, without your knowledge, your girls turned from sacred to profane massage? (Car motor whirs) Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Um having a spot of bother with the elbow.
Oh, I see.
Just a fiver.
Well, keep the change.
Thank you.
- Hello! - Oh, hello.
I telephoned.
The name's Featherstone.
Right you are, dear.
Elsie! You can take your things off through there.
My things off? Elsie! Your gentleman's here.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
(Soothing music plays) - Going anywhere nice for your holiday? - Oh, I hope so.
I'm tired out with sitting.
- Are you really? - Mm.
I've been sitting almost continuously this year.
- Fancy! - (Sighs) It gets tiring.
I'm sure it does.
(He gasps) (Chuckles) Not how I did the elbow in, though.
No.
Tennis.
When I'm not sitting, my wife and I like to play a bit of tennis.
Makes a change, dear, doesn't it? Mm.
Oh.
- It really is very much better.
- Oh, good.
I'm enormously grateful.
- There we are, then.
- Right.
Goodbye.
Mind how you go.
Bye-bye.
He says he's tired out.
Done a lot of sitting.
Oh, poor bloke.
Look, Marigold.
See what I can do.
Brilliant, Guthrie.
Do try not to dislocate anything else.
Massage parlours! Oh, well, yes, as a matter of fact.
Doctor of theology charged with running massage parlours as disorderly houses.
How revolting.
What was it you wanted to tell me, Guthrie? Nothing.
I'm just saying my elbow seems a lot better.
35 massage parlours in the Greater London area.
How pathetic.
Grown men having to go to places like that.
Well, I'm quite sure that some of them just needed a massage.
If you believe that, you'll believe anything.
Arab oil millionaires, merchant bankers and TV stars are said to be among those who use the sex services provided at Dr Horridge's establishments and paid by credit card! - (He hiccups) - Is that elbow playing you up again? I'll just get something for supper.
Oh, have you got any money, Guthrie? Here you are.
Haven't you been going it a bit on the credit card? Here, let me.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
(Coughs) American Express? Ah.
My name is Featherstone.
Mr Justice Featherstone.
I No, not Justice-Featherstone with a hyphen.
My name is Featherstone, and I'm a justice.
I'm a judge, that is.
(Chuckles) Oh, well, I've got into a bit of a muddle and I've paid with my credit card when I should have paid cash.
I was wondering whether I could go and pay cash now, get my credit card slip back, and you needn't have any record of it, as it was just a question of personal accounting.
Do I make myself clear? Oh, I don't? (Knocking) Ready for the off, My Lord? Er, yes.
Norman, look, I seem to have made a mistake with my credit card.
- You're you're not Norman.
- No, My Lord, I'm Harold.
Oh, Norman's left the service.
It seemed to happen rather sudden.
He'd got another job, somewhere up north, I believe.
I'd better get in touch with him.
- Something urgent, is it? - No! No, nothing urgent at all! I'd just like to keep in touch with him.
He's quite a character, old Norman.
- Wasn't he? - Hm? Oh, quite a character, yes, My Lord.
- (Chuckles) Elbow better, is it? - My elbow? Norman told us about your elbow.
No, nothing at all! My elbow never felt better in its life! (Guthrie) Um excuse me? - The health centre? - Cleared up and gone.
- The lease was up anyway.
- AII all gone? Everything, even the sauna.
Course, we're still getting enquiries.
- Er even the credit cards? - Sorry, guv, don't take them.
Got some lovely juicy satsumas, though, for cash.
- # For me, what has all # - (Guthrie) Claude Erskine-Brown! Ah! Judge! Ah, always so good to see a chap from one's old chambers.
I see your wife was in the Court of Appeal the other day.
Ah, yes, yes.
Philly's always in the Court of Appeal.
And Rumpole? What's old Rumpole doing? Something sordid as usual.
- Distasteful? - Downright disgusting.
Rumpole's cases tend to lower the tone at Number Three Equity Court.
Take this one he's doing at the moment.
- Massage parlours.
- Oh, dear.
Yes, very distasteful.
Rumpole's acting for the King of the Massage Parlours.
He thinks it a joke.
But it's not, is it, Erskine-Brown? It's not a joke at all.
You know, I can't pretend that my marriage is all champagne and opera.
We've had our difficulties from time to time, Philly and I, I admit.
But, thank heavens, I've never had to resort to massage parlours.
I simply can't understand it.
No! No, well, it's a complete mystery to me, of course.
That sort of thing lowers the tone of chambers.
Of course it does, Claude.
Of course it does.
The honour of Equity Court has always been very important to me, as you know.
Perhaps I should invite Rumpole to lunch, have a word on the subject.
- What subject? - Massage.
(Laughs) No, I mean I mean chambers, of course.
Mm.
Oysters for Mr Rumpole, and I'll take the soup of the day.
Mr Rumpole will have the grouse, and, er I'II I'll settle for the club hamburger.
And I thought Chablis Premier Cru to start with, and the Château Talbot '77, if that's all right with you, Horace.
Thank you.
What's the matter, Judge? You won the pools? Ha-ha-ha! No.
It's just that one gets so few opportunities to entertain the chaps from one's old chambers.
Ha-ha-ha.
Claude Erskine-Brown was telling me that you're doing this case on - A beauty parlour? - Oh, massage parlours.
Oh, dear.
Yes, massage parlours.
In this case, the True Line Health Centres.
I suppose some of these places are quite respectable and above board.
A chap might pop in because he'd got A touch of housemaid's knee? Yes.
Yes, something of of that sort.
Or was so innocent and unsuspecting that he shouldn't be allowed off the lead? Why do you say that? To your average British jury, the expression "massage parlour" means only one thing.
- What? - Hanky-panky.
Oho! Oh, you think that, do you? Everyone does.
- Hanky-panky? - In practically every case.
Rumpole.
Horace.
Let me top you up with the Chablis.
I take it you're defending in this case? - What else would I be doing? - Yes, of course.
As defending counsel, you're going to see the prosecuting evidence.
Oh, I've seen most of that already.
- Have you? How very interesting.
- Mm.
Very funny.
- Funny? - Extremely funny.
Some very important people used my client's establishments.
Nobs.
Bigwigs.
Big wigs, Horace? Most respectable citizens.
D'you know what they've done? You won't believe this.
They actually used their credit cards to pay.
Have you heard of anything more totally dotty? Ha-ha-ha! Dotty.
No, not at all.
So all their names are in the evidence, plain for all to see.
- Ha-ha-ha! - Thank you.
All this evidence needn't necessarily, thank you, be put before the jury.
Oh, no, no, by all means.
Indeed not.
Only a few choice nuggets.
The cream of the collection.
Should make for an afternoon's harmless fun.
Not fun for the big bigwigs involved, Horace.
Well, if they were so idiotic as to use their credit cards Mm.
Don't you find all this criminal work rather exhausting? It's a killer.
Only, occasionally, a bit of evidence comes up that makes the whole thing worthwhile.
(Rumpole chuckles) Have you ever thought of relaxing a little? Say, on the circuit bench? Circuit bench? You must be joking.
Anyway, I'm too old.
I could have word with the powers-that-be.
They might ask you to sit as an assistant recorder on a more-or-less permanent basis.
Hundred and fifty quid a day, and absolutely no worries.
Assistant recorder? Why on earth should they offer me that? As a tribute, Horace, to the tactful way you always conduct your defences.
Tactful? It's the first time anyone's called me that.
I've always found you extremely tactful in court, and discreet.
Oysters all right, are they? Oh, yes, Judge, indeed.
Absolutely nothing wrong with the oysters.
(Rumpole) 'Assistant recorder? 'Why on earth should I want that? 'I don't judge people.
That's not my trade.
I defend 'em.
'AII the same, 150 smackers a day! ' Mr Rumpole! Norman.
I used to be the usher in Mr Justice Featherstone's court.
- Of course.
- I've just been to collect my cards.
- Judge's elbow better? - It seems to be recovered.
Terrible pain he was in.
I put him on to a place where he'd get a bit of relief.
Get down to the deep fibres.
Get the bones stretched.
- You recommended a place? - Wife's niece works there.
Nice little establishment.
Very hygienically run.
- What place? - Sorry, Mr Rumpole.
My number 11! What place did you rec (Door opens) - Just looked in to inspect your books - Excuse me.
and the PAYE forms of all employees of chambers.
Plus the petty cash vouchers for coffee consumed in the clerk's room.
(Sniggers) On Mr Ballard's instructions, Henry.
I asked Brinsley Lampitt, prosecuting, for a shufti at the documents.
Accounts, bank statements, all the gubbins.
Exercise your talents, make a list of them, please, Miss P.
With special attention to the credit card records.
- Are they gonna help us? - Not sure.
- Just want to pop in and see Henry.
- Right.
Henry, a word with Oh, hello, Hearthrug.
Sorry you had to miss the meeting.
What did I miss? Have you replaced me with a reliable computer? We did pass a resolution about standards of appearance.
Old macs are not acceptable now, over a black jacket and striped trousers.
Striped trousers? - (Tuts) - I quite agree, Mr Rumpole.
- I'm with you on this one.
- I hoped you might be.
Together we will contrive to scupper the abominable Hearthrug.
It'll take a bit of working out, Mr Ballard being so keen.
Leave "Ballard" to me.
If I can leave something to you.
- I'll do my best.
What exactly? - Miss Osgood.
Your co-star in amateur dramatics, who arranges the lists down the Bailey.
We're playing opposite each other in "Brief Encounter".
Encounter her, Henry.
Drop a word in her shell-like ear about the massage parlour case.
What we need is a sympathetic judge.
(Humming tune) (Knocking at door) - Coffee, My Lord.
- Oh, thank you.
Harold, isn't it? Yes, My Lord.
I've brought you a few biscuits.
Thank you.
Should be lively in court this morning.
Lively? Why? What's on today? Your clerk was telling me, they might call some of the girls to give evidence.
- Girls? - From the massage parlours.
Oh.
There now.
What have you done? Gentlemen, I feel very strongly that I should not try this case, that I should retire and leave it to some other judge.
(Clears throat) Yes, well, there it is.
I'll rise now.
May one ask why, My Lord? - May you ask what, Mr Rumpole? - Why, My Lord.
I hope it's not about my client.
Oh, no, it's got nothing to do with him.
I I can't imagine Your Lordship knows my client.
Know him? Most certainly not.
Well, not that I've got anything against knowing your client, if I did, which I don't! Then, with the greatest respect, My Lord, where's the difficulty? - Where is the difficulty, Mr Rumpole? - If Your Lordship pleases.
Mr Lampitt, do you wish to know where the difficulty is? If Your Lordship pleases.
It's a private matter, as you well know, Mr Rumpole.
If I know, My Lord, it can't be exactly private.
Oh, very well.
Perhaps I should make this clear in open court.
The other day, I had lunch at my club with the counsel for the defence.
The oysters were excellent.
- I'm very grateful to Your Lordship.
- (Usher) Silence! And during the course of that lunch, I happened to discuss this case, in purely general terms, with the counsel for the defence.
(Rumpole) Is that all, My Lord? - (Guthrie) Yes.
Isn't that enough? - My Lord? - Mr Lampitt? - We've had a word about this case.
And they object to my sitting? Quite right.
No, My Lord, they've no objection.
A conversation with Mr Rumpole in purely general terms couldn't prejudice you in any way.
Not in any way, My Lord, and it was in entirely general terms.
In fact, the prosecution wish Your Lordship to retain the case.
So does the defence.
Otherwise there might be a delay finding a judge.
We'd have to fix a new date.
- It would be a waste of public money.
- Public money? In view of the Lord Chancellor's warning about the cost of Legal Aid.
Mr Rumpole, Mr Lampitt are you insisting that I try this case? With great respect, My Lord, yes.
That is what it comes to, My Lord.
Very well.
- Shall I put the charges, My Lord? - Oh, yes, Mr Ashby, if you insist! (He sighs) - Good day in court, Guthrie? - No, Marigold.
It was not a good day in court.
Marigold? Don't you long to get away from all this? I mean, into the sun.
A fellow I was at school with runs a little bar in Ibiza.
Now, wouldn't you like to run a little bar in Ibiza? I'd hate to run a little bar in Ibiza.
Whatever are you talking about? Well, you don't want to hang about in Kensington.
In the rain! Married to a judge who's away all day sitting.
I like you being a judge, Guthrie.
I like you being away all day sitting.
What's wrong with Kensington? It's handy for Harrod's.
- Marigold? - Yes, Guthrie.
I was just thinking about that cabinet minister who had to resign because of that scandal.
Did he run a little bar in Ibiza? No.
It's just that I can't help thinking about his wife, the way she stood by him.
Through thick and thin.
Would you stand by me, Marigold, through thick and thin? What's the scandal, Guthrie? (Chuckles) Oh, nothing.
No, it's just a theoretical question.
(He sniffs) Ah.
Just wondered whether you'd stand by me.
Don't count on it, Guthrie.
Don't ever count on it.
- Oh, working late? - Yeah.
Rumpole often leaves the lights on.
It's a question of cash flow in chambers.
- What's all that? - Documents in the massage case.
Accounts.
- Rumpole wants me to make a list.
- I could help.
- No, really.
- Yes, yes, please.
Do let me.
Aren't you too busy, doing a time and motion study of the coffee machine? - You're young, aren't you? - So they tell me.
Don't you want to change the system? It's positively archaic.
Henry taking ten percent, and Rumpole going round in an old mac from Oxfam, on about the liberty of the subject and the burden of proof.
Not keen on the liberty of the subject? He got the speech in the same job lot as the mac, and that appalling hat.
- Ha-ha-ha! - What? All this.
Acres and acres of naked flesh being pounded every day.
The day of the Rumpole is over.
We should provide a service industry based on sound legal technology.
Here, can I have these? - Why are you doing this? - What? Helping me.
- Why do you think? - I just hope Nothing to do with my eyes, is it? Erskine-Brown took me to the opera.
Kept telling me I had nice eyes.
Erskine-Brown's old-fashioned.
Just because I'm a woman! I bet nobody mentions your eyes.
Hoskins said I can only do petty larceny and divorce.
That's all women are fit for.
Yes, well, out of the ark, Hoskins.
Look, Liz, I know we often disagree Do you? I'm standing as a Conservative, and your father's Red Ron from North London.
But we're both young.
We both want to see things changed.
When we finish this, buy yourself a Chinese at the Golden Gate.
Why should I? Well, I could buy one too.
And we might even eat them at the same table.
Promise not to mention your eyes.
- Can if you want to.
- Mention your eyes? No, you fool, eat your Chinese at my table.
Hearthrug, what's this? Another deputation about my tailoring? - Just helping out your junior.
- How considerate of you.
I'll take over now, if you don't mind, after a stop at Pommeroy's for refuelling.
- You two young things go home.
- Thanks.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I'II, er see you downstairs, Liz.
I, um Yes, I was going to ask you about Henry.
What about Henry? I was looking at his PAYE returns.
He is married, isn't he? To a lady tax inspector in Bromley.
So what is his relationship with Dianne the typist? - Friendly, I imagine.
- Just friendly? That is a question I've never cared to ask.
There are lots of questions like that, aren't there? Er Detective Constable Marten.
That was not a note you made at the time? No, sir.
When the incident occurred, you were deprived of your clothing.
And, no doubt, of your notebook.
I made the note on my return to the station.
After these exciting events had taken place? After the incident complained of, yes.
And your recollection was still clear? - Quite clear, Mr Rumpole.
- Hm.
Now, it all began with the lady therapist? The masseuse, yes.
Passing an entirely innocent remark? She asked me if I was going anywhere nice on holiday.
- She ask you that? - Yes, my lord.
And up to that time, this was a perfectly straightforward routine massage? I informed the young lady that I had a pain in the knee from playing football.
Was that the truth? - No, My Lord.
- Oh, then you were lying, Officer.
Yes, if you put it that way.
What other way is there of putting it? You're an officer who is prepared to lie! In the course of duty, yes! And submit to sexual advances on massage tables, in the course of duty? - (Jury chuckles) - Yes.
- Yes, very well.
- Just one moment, Mr Rumpole.
- Perhaps I can help.
- Of course, My Lord.
When the massage started, you said you had a pain in your knee? - Yes.
- From tennis? Football, My Lord.
Oh, yes, of course, football.
Yes, I'm much obliged.
And as far as she knew, that may have been the truth.
She might have believed it.
As far as you know, quite a number of respectable, happily married men visit these health centres simply because they have sustained an injury during various sporting activities, tennis, football, and the like? Some may, I suppose, My Lord.
Many may.
- Yes.
- Yes! - Very well.
Thank you, Mr Rumpole.
- Thank you, My Lord.
If Your Lordship pleases.
So at first sight, this appeared to be an entirely genuine health centre? - At first sight, yes.
- An entirely genuine health centre.
- Those were your words, Mr Rumpole? - My exact words, My Lord.
You are making a note of them for the jury? Oh, I am indeed, Mr Rumpole.
I am indeed.
All was as pure as the driven snow.
In fact it was the routine, proper treatment for a knee injury, until you made a somewhat distasteful suggestion.
- Distasteful? - Remind the jury what you said, Officer.
As you lay on that massage table, clad only in a towel.
I said, "Well, my dear, how about a bit of the other?" (Chuckling) - The what, Officer? - The other, My Lord.
The other what? - Just the other.
- I don't understand.
You were using an expression from the vernacular.
- Meaning what, Mr Rumpole? - Hanky-panky, My Lord.
Oh.
I'm much obliged.
Oh, I hope that's clear to members of the jury.
So you suggested that some form of sexual intimacy might be possible? I did, My Lord, putting it in terms she would understand.
- And that suggestion came from you? - In the first instance, yes.
And if you hadn't made this appalling suggestion, the massage might have continued quite inoffensively? - It might have done.
- To the benefit of your knee! There was nothing wrong with my knee.
No, of course not.
You were lying about that, weren't you? During the course of this entire transaction, you saw absolutely nothing of my client? - Nothing at all, My Lord.
- No.
Thank you, Officer.
Just one moment.
A question.
When you asked the young lady about "the other", what did she reply? Her reply was, My Lord, "That'll be £20.
" Yes.
We don't need to keep this officer, do we? The witness may be released.
Do you know why the judge is batting so strenuously for the defence? Must be my irresistible charm, old love.
I don't often bump into you in Harrod's, Mrs Rumpole.
No, I don't get to Harrod's as often as a judge's wife.
Only after Rumpole's had a money brief, as he calls it.
We usually shop in Marks.
Sugar? No.
No, I've got my boring little tablets.
I wanted to buy myself a hat for when Rumpole's sitting.
I might be up beside him, occasionally, on the bench.
- Rumpole sitting? - Yes.
It was your judge that mentioned it to him, when they had lunch at the Sheridan Club.
Rumpole says it rather depends on him behaving himself in this case, but if he's a bit careful, well, deputy county court judge for all the world to see.
One in the eye for Erskine-Brown.
That's what he's always wanted.
Guthrie seems to want to give up sitting.
He talks of going to Ibiza and opening a bar.
- Ibiza? - Full of package tours and Spaniards.
Oh, dear.
Rumpole and I wouldn't like that at all.
Tell me, Mrs Rumpole May I call you Hilda? You and Guthrie always have, Marigold.
Guthrie's been most peculiar.
I wonder if I ought to take him to the doctor.
Oh, dear.
Nothing terribly serious, I hope? He keeps asking me if I'll stand by him through thick and thin.
Would you do that for Rumpole? Rumpole and I have been together for nearly 40 years now.
- Yes? - Yes.
Yes, I'd stand by him, of course.
Would you? But thick and thin? No, I'm not so sure about that.
Neither am I, Hilda.
I'm not sure at all.
Have a scone, dear, and let's hope it never comes to that.
However much longer is this case going to last? We've only had two days so far.
As you said, Rumpole, we're under pressure to cut down on public spending.
Now, we shouldn't delay matters by introducing a lot of documents.
Do you intend putting in any documents, Lampitt? Just Dr Horridge's bank accounts.
He was making a hefty profit out of this organisation.
His bank accounts? Just his bank accounts? I don't think anything else is necessary.
(Chuckles) Oh, no, absolutely not.
I do so agree.
I mean, I did hear people used their credit cards.
You don't intend putting in credit card slips or anything of that sort? No, we needn't bother with that.
No, absolutely not.
I do so agree.
I'm sure you agree too, don't you, Rumpole? Um yes.
That is - Not quite, Judge.
- Not quite? - Regarding the credit card evidence.
- Yes? - I would like to keep my options open.
- Keep them open? My argument is that anyone who pays with his credit card in a disorderly house must be completely insane.
That's your argument? So the fact that credit cards were used may indicate my client's innocence.
It's something I'll have to consider, Judge, very seriously.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I suppose you will.
Is that all you wanted to see us about, Judge? - How much longer? - Don't worry, Judge, it'll soon be over.
Thank you.
(Door closes) Este vaso no está limpio.
(Sniffs) This glass is not clean.
Este vaso no está limpio! Marigold Featherstone said the Judge is terribly depressed.
- What's eating him, I wonder.
- He won't be sitting much longer.
Just think of that.
You'll be sitting.
The Featherstones will be running a bar in Ibiza.
- By the way, I meant to tell you.
- Mm? There's a chambers party.
Erskine-Brown's organising it.
We all know what that's for, don't we? - Do we? - I've bought a hat They're trying to get me to buy one too.
so that I can sit beside you sometimes when you're on your bench.
For God's sake, Hilda, don't do that.
I mean, all that sitting, you'll be uncomfortable.
Oh.
American Express.
Oh, yes.
Yes, they've They've paid in the credit card.
The True Life Health Centre.
True True Life? True Life, that That's not the name in the indictment, is it? You, Maurice Horridge, are charged that you at the True Line Health Centre True Line.
True Line! Not True Life.
I'm in the clear.
- I'm in the clear! I'm I'm in the clear! - My Lord? Oh! Harold! - Is Your Lordship ready for court? - Absolutely ready! For court! Dr Horridge, if any of the young ladies misconducted themselves They wouldn't.
I'm sure they wouldn't.
- They were spiritually trained.
- Yes, quite so.
But if by some chance they did, was it with your knowledge and approval? Certainly not, My Lord.
Quite certainly not.
- Come now.
- Yes, My Lord? Come, come! We've heard the evidence of Detective Constable Marten, that he suggested to one of your masseurs something of the other.
- Something or other, My Lord? - No, Doctor Horridge.
Something of the other.
I'm sure you know perfectly well what that means.
To which she replied, "That will be £20.
" That's a scandalous state of affairs.
- You agree? - Yes, My Lord.
Are you honestly trying to tell this jury that you had no idea whatever that that was going on in your "health centre"? No idea at all, My Lord.
And you didn't make it your business to find out? Not specifically, My Lord.
Not specifically.
Didn't you realise that very many perfectly decent respectable citizens, husbands, ratepayers, might have been trapped into the most ghastly trouble simply because they'd injured an elbow? - I mean a knee! - I suppose so, My Lord.
(Guthrie) You suppose so! The jury will have heard your answer.
What are you doing, Mr Rumpole? - I'm testing the wind, My Lord.
- The wind? Yes, it seems to have changed the direction.
Rumpole.
- Are you dead, Rumpole? - (Rumpole) Uh? Er not dead, just laid out spiritually.
Oh.
It's you, Hearthrug.
I was looking for Ballard.
Go and look somewhere else.
I was going to tell him about Henry.
- (Grunts) What about Henry? - Kissing Dianne in the clerk's room.
- It's just not on.
- Ah.
Yes, I agree.
- Do you? - Yes.
I thought you'd say it was all part of the freedom of the subject.
Good heavens, no! No.
They should stop rehearsing in their place of work.
- Rehearsing? - Didn't you know? Henry is a pillar of the Bromley Amateur Dramatics.
He's playing opposite Dianne in some light comedy, and they get so little time to rehearse.
I'll have a word with them.
- How's the housemaid's knee? - What? The dicky ankle, the fiddler's elbow, the bad back.
The pain in the neck.
- Suffering a lot, are you? - I'm perfectly fit.
What, really? What, no aches and pains at all? - No, none whatever.
- How odd.
You've been having so much massage lately.
- What are you talking about? - Unfortunate case.
That poor old theologian got two years, once the judge felt he had a free hand in the matter.
We were looking through the evidence, but you know all about that.
It's why you popped in the other night to give Miss Probert a helping hand.
I was looking for another name.
I kept coming across yours.
Charles Hearthstoke.
A massage every week at the Battersea Health Depot and hanky-panky parlour.
It was entirely entirely innocent.
Then you can tell that to our learned head of chambers.
- I can't press you? - Absolutely, sir.
Ah, Judge, good of you to come to our little gathering.
It's a pleasure to be back in one's old chambers.
- Guthrie, a drop of white? - Thank you.
Hear you potted Rumpole's old brothel keeper straight into the pocket.
Ah, yes, rather a worrying case.
Must have been for you, extremely worrying.
There used to be a rumour going round the Temple that Helford Davis's clerk was running a disorderly house over a teashop in Chancery Lane.
Oh, dear! The trouble was, no one could ever find it.
Oh, Judge, how I'm going to envy you! All that sunshine.
We'd love to get away to a warmer climate, but Rumpole couldn't leave now.
He's not going to let the Lord Chancellor down.
- Lord Chancellor? - Oh, yes.
He's expecting great things of Rumpole.
A happy retirement to you.
Oh, I'm not about to retire, Mrs Rumpole.
But Marigold distinctly told me.
Ibiza.
Well, I had thought of it.
I toyed with the idea of lounging about in a pair of shorts and a straw hat, soaking up the sun and drinking sangria.
But, no, it's my duty to carry on sitting.
Oh, Ibiza no longer necessary, Judge? Your duty.
Yes, of course.
And Rumpole is going to be doing his duty, too.
- (Tapping glass) - What's the party in aid of? Mr Ballard is going to tell us now.
Welcome, welcome everyone.
Welcome, Judge.
It's delightful to have you with us.
In the life of every chambers, as in every family, changes take place, some happy, others not so happy.
The sadness first.
Charles Hearthstoke has only been with us three months.
- Three months too long.
- We all respect his energy and drive.
Charles wasn't happy with the criminal side of our work - Oh, dear(!) he found it distasteful.
So he's joining a commercial set in Middle Temple.
We're sorry he couldn't put into practice some most interesting ideas he had.
You're not upset he's going, are you? Shut up, Rumpole, I'm perfectly all right.
Now I come to happier news.
From time to time, the Lord Chancellor confers on tried and trusted members - Like Rumpole.
the honour of assistant recorder.
So we may find ourselves before one of our colleagues and be able to discover his wisdom on the bench.
You may have Ballard before you! - The party financed by Erskine-Brown - It's so kind of Claude to do this! is to announce, he will sit from time to time at Snaresbrook and Inner London, where we wish him every happiness.
- Claude Erskine-Brown.
- Congratulations.
He will be sitting? Claude Erskine-Brown? What's happened, Rumpole? My sitting is like Ibiza, Hilda.
It's no longer necessary.
Oh! Well done, Claude.
I've only got one bit of advice.
What's that, Rumpole? Let everyone off? No, something much more important.
Never pay by credit card, old love.