Schitt's Creek (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1 Moira: David? My nails aren't dry yet.
Alexis, I stumbled upon Ted in the café this morning, he sends his regards.
(Spray spritzes) That's nice.
Um, what did he say? Nothing, we merely exchanged familial smiles.
He seemed quite taken with an older woman, so I thought best not to intrude.
Love that for him.
I mean, that could've been anyone though, right, like a mother, or a close friend? They were canoodling in the banquette for all to see, so I'd be rather concerned if that were his mother, David.
Okay.
Um, in other news, I recently discovered that I'm allergic to pitted fruits.
- Canoodling? - Oh.
Um did she have like a braid in her hair? No, no braid.
Uh, looked more like thick, healthy hair woven together loosely.
I can't believe he's still dating Heather.
I know, it's crazy.
I believe that was her name, Heather.
Okay, do we have somewhere to be? Alexis, he doesn't still hold any interest for you? No, it's not as if you've been spending all your time holed up in your room, alone.
Yeah, no, I'm just like taking time for me.
- Mhmm.
- Good! That's the most important relationship of all.
Don't you give another thought to Ted - and his striking older lover.
- Okay, I am going for a jog.
Ok, um, but you're in like a day dress.
- Mhmm, I am.
- (Door shuts) Okay, I have never heard someone say so many wrong things, one after the other, consecutively, in a row.
David! How was I to know that Ted would be such a trigger, all these years later? A year later, and she is like right back in it.
So you might wanna pay a little more attention to your daughter's life, if only to alleviate the weight of me having to deal with it, every day.
Oh.
I I did call that other woman charming, didn't I? Striking, I believe was the word you used to describe Ted's new girlfriend, who isn't Alexis.
Well to my credit, she was.
(Crickets chirp) (Footsteps thud) (Door opens and shuts) Roland, you're here early.
I've decided it's time I become a team player.
Well, that's good! And as coach of the team, I'm gonna ask you to take your feet off my desk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, Johnny, I love all this water cooler talk, but let's get down to business.
I was lookin' around this place, and boom, it hit me! There's a lotta wasted space in here.
I mean this should be an area for guests to come and mix and mingle.
Well, I don't think I like the thought of guests mingling in my office.
That's what their rooms are for.
Ah, but, do the rooms have a (Grunts) (Grunting with effort) (Thud) (Pants) beer fridge? - Where did this come from? - I brought it over this morning.
Joce wanted a little extra space for the new baby, and I thought why not help out a buddy in the process? And how's this helping me? Well, you can sell beers to the guests, Johnny, unless of course you're trying not to make money, which would explain a couple of things here.
Well of course I'm tryin' to make money.
Johnny, if it makes any difference to you, I've already sold 2 beers to a fellow staff member.
Would that staff member be you? Yes, it would.
I'm gonna have 'em after lunch.
Now the big question is where to put the TV? - What TV? - Well, Johnny, you can't expect guests to sit around with their beers staring at you.
(Laughs) Oh God you knock me out, kid.
Okay, you know what, your job here is not CEO, Roland, you were hired to do some work around the motel.
So I'm gonna say no to the TV.
Okay, Johnny, I hear ya loud and clear.
Geez.
(Can opens, slurps) Off to work.
(Door opens and shuts) Patrick: I cursed those bears with the little strength - that I could muster up.
- (Stevie laughs) Hi! We're all just hanging out before work? Was there a text chain that I wasn't on, or ? Well, it's not exactly before work the store opened about 25 minutes ago, so.
But yes, there is a chain, and no, you're not on it.
You're kind.
I noticed we moved the lip balms.
Yeah, because we got these new breath mints in and I wanted to give 'em a fighting chance by putting 'em up near the cash.
- Huh.
- Uh oh.
What, is something wrong? No, they're just new mints that haven't been sampled yet, so for all we know, they could be poison, and we're moving the lip balms, best sellers, all the way to the corner, here.
Okay, well I don't think that the mints are poison.
They're very delicious.
Point is, these are a staple of the store.
They're at the cash, people come to the cash - expecting the lip balm.
- Mhmm.
I just wish they had been consulted before they were moved.
David you move things without consulting me all the time.
Like the brooms! Okay, well they were fugly brooms with big red handles.
They didn't match our sand and stone color palette.
Well, this is clearly a high stakes situation, so maybe you wanna close the store down and figure it out.
You know, David, one of the fundamental pillars of any successful business person is their ability to compromise.
Hm, I have to agree with Patrick on this one.
I don't think there's anything you have to do, and I compromise all the time.
(Laughs) - What? - Nothing, I just um, just remembering all those times that you compromised.
(Laughs) I was just thinking about the same things, because there, there's so many to flip through.
Okay, last week, I let you pick the movie we watched.
You made me pick between two Sandra Bullock vehicles.
And you picked "The Lake House", which was the correct choice.
Just so that you know, making someone choose between two things that you like, is not exactly a compromise.
I am fine with compromise.
It's just this situation that's bothering me.
So why don't we just put everything back exactly - as it was, and start again? - So in that case, I know that you were planning to go pick up the tote bags later this afternoon, even though I'd asked you do to that 2 days ago, so maybe in the interest of compromise, you could go and do that now? Fine.
Stevie, would you care to join me? - No.
- Fair enough.
So you guys are just gonna stay behind and talk about me after I've left.
You know, swap stories about how I don't compromise.
- Yeah, pretty much.
- Mhmm.
(Door shuts) Twyla: Here's your tea, Mrs.
Rose.
Thank you, Twyla.
So, it looks like I will be seeing you tonight.
Why would that happen? Well, Alexis came by this morning and was really adamant that we go out tonight.
Apparently I've been taking too much time for myself, and I need to get back out there and meet people.
Is that so? Yeah, I actually had plans tonight, but Alexis said it would be best if I just canceled them.
She's gonna help me get ready at the motel, and then we're gonna go to the bar together.
Always the little philanthrope.
Though it's possible this outing might serve you both well.
I'm sure you're not aware of this but, our Alexis is unfortunately suffering a bit of a dry spell.
Exacerbated by this situation with the former lover, Ted, and his new girlfriend, Harriet? - You mean Heather? - I believe it's Heather.
Yeah, um, Ted and Heather have been together for hm, a while now.
They started dating when Alexis was still working at the vet's office.
She says it doesn't bother her, but sometimes I wonder.
Always the closed book, our Alexis.
Bless her soul.
I've always found her to be pretty open about things.
A closed book that falls open the second you take it off the shelf.
That's enough gossip for today, Twyla.
No, I'm not comfortable discussing the intimate details of Alexis' private life, with her not present.
Oh, I wasn't gossiping, it was just that you brought it up.
So I just wanted to clarify that it was Gossip is the devil's telephone.
Best to just hang up.
(Awkward silence) (Patrons chatter, music plays on the radio) (Door opens) (Clip of "Erin Brockovich" on TV) Erin: I left messages.
Ed: You did, well I didn't know that.
Uh, Donald seems to think that you said What's going on? (Roland sighs) Well, Erin Brockovich has just started her job at the law firm, and she's not getting the respect she deserves, - because of the way she dresses.
- Not the movie! This! Oh, well I'm just showing a couple of our guests the set up.
Turns out, Carmine, here, is a big Albert Finney fan.
Roland, can I have a word? Keep it on pause, boys.
(Sighs) Yeah, okay, I know what you're gonna say.
Better than expected, huh? I specifically said no TV.
Johnny, I thought you were joking.
Why would you think I was joking? I dunno, maybe it's your dry wit, you know, that never quite hits the target.
You're gonna have to say goodbye to Carmine and his friend.
It's his brother, Brian.
Although they could be friends too, I don't know, they could be brothers and friends.
Guys, how would you describe your relationship? - Roland? - Friendly? You're supposed to be weeding the back lawn today! Okay, but for the sake of customer service, try to chill out, my man.
I will chill out when the back lawn gets weeded! Oh fine.
Fellas, finish it without me, sorry.
(Erin Brockovich plays again) (Door opens and shuts) Erin: I trusted you.
Ed: Sorry about that, I really am.
Erin: I don't need pity, I need a paycheck.
And I've looked, but when you spent the past 6 years raising babies, it's really hard Has she broken up with the boyfriend yet? Erin: are you gettin' every word of this down, honey? Or am I talkin' too fast for you? (Soft Jazz music plays) (Bell jingles) - Hi.
(Soft Jazz music plays) Hi.
(Soft Jazz music plays) Notice some of our more discreet backroom items are now on display at the front of the store.
That would have nothing to do with the conversation we just had before I left, would it? Oh, well people have been asking for plungers, and uh, you insist on keeping them hidden away in the back room because you find them offensive.
- Hmm.
- So, uh, I thought given the demand for some more basic items, this could be a good opportunity for you to make a compromise.
Okay, I mean if assaulting customers with the sight of a toilet plunger the minute they walk in the door is something that you consider to be an effective business strategy, then that is a compromise that I am willing to make.
Are you sure? - Look at his face.
- Look at your face.
Yes, yes.
Okay, great.
Well, then obviously you'll have no problem if I get the toilet brushes out here, too.
(Soft Jazz music plays) Is something wrong, David? No.
(Crickets chirp) You do this every night you go out? I do this every night.
Well, look at the two of you.
Oh you remind me of my days at the old Mudd Club on the Lower East Side.
I remember one regrettably early morning with Johnny Thunders.
Okay, can we help you with something? Oh, I'm sorry, can't a mother show a little interest in her only daughter's social calendar? So, what establishment are we going to grace tonight? It's just a bar on the outside of town.
And how are we getting around? They don't allow you to drink and drive anymore.
We will be taking a cab.
No you won't! I will drive you! Oh dear, I have the night to myself, and I would like nothing better than to find a new man for Twyla.
I see before me, a beautiful young woman in her prime, who deserves every happiness.
Mrs.
Rose, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And I mean every word of it.
So I think you girls should allow me to play chauffeur for the evening.
It'll be the black car out front.
Okay, I know what our car looks like, but thank you.
(Motorcycle engine revs) (Car rumbles up) (Muffled music and chatter) Oh.
Before you go in, a bit of advice from someone who's been around.
Okay, pretty sure we didn't ask you, but sure.
If, and when, you meet someone who catches your eye, hold his gaze.
Then walk up behind him, trace a single finger down his back.
And if he follows you into a dark corner of the bar, it's meant to be.
Hm, that sounds super embarrassing.
It was my go-to move many years ago, and it always paid off.
And do you know who my last target was? - Who was it? - Ooh.
John Cougar - No.
- Mellencamp.
(Laughs) But guess who drove me home that night? - Mr.
Rose.
- Yes, you're right.
And that car ride was better than any dark corner dalliance with JCM.
Ew.
Sometimes in life and in love risks must be taken.
One never knows what may happen.
Okay? Shall I wait here for you both? Um, we're not in high school, so I think we're good, - but thank you.
- Okay.
(Door unlocks) Thanks for the ride, Mrs.
Rose.
(Alexis grunts) Okay, thanks! Alexis! You're wrinkled in the back.
- Ooh? What? - Confidence, girls! (Car door shuts) (Roland shouts and laughs) (Crickets chirp) (Door opens and shuts) (Low music plays from the game, controller clicks) Roland! Take 'em off! You're taking off? All right, have a good night, Johnny.
What're you still doing here? Well, I'm just kicking back a little bit.
It was a busy day.
Roland! You have a pregnant wife at home, it's 9:00 at night, you're here playing video games? What are you, hiding out? No, I'm not hiding out, Johnny.
(Door opens) Good evening, gentlemen.
Jocelyn.
Roland, I brought you ribs for dinner.
Oh thank you, honey.
So, he seems to be making himself comfortable here.
Yes, a little little too comfortable.
Jocelyn, I don't wanna start anything here, but Roland did finish work a few hours ago, and I was telling him that he should be heading home? Here's the thing.
I have just remembered how attentive Roland gets when I am pregnant.
He is very hands on, very concerned, and he is just always there.
So we were thinking that it might better, for me, if we could just kind of extend his work day, you know, to allow for some more alone time.
For me.
Okay.
I understand.
Oh! (Laughs) Wow! I just upgraded my wand! Two more levels and I'll have enough opals to buy the harp.
Way to go, honey! Alone time, Johnny.
I just need some alone time.
(Slow music plays) So, I don't think I'm gonna need a ride home tonight.
Oh my God, that's so great! Because I think I'm going home with a guy.
No, yeah, I pieced that together.
He plays soccer, and he works at the quarry, and we both have the same second favourite color.
So important.
Your mom's trick totally worked.
I ran my finger down the backs of three different guys, and one of them turned around.
It's a total numbers game.
You're gonna be okay? Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Of course.
I'm just so glad I took a risk.
Speaking of which that guy over there, he's been staring at you all night.
(Door creaks shut) (Footstep crunch) (Muffled music plays) (Door creaks shut) (Clears her throat) - Ted: Hello? - Hey.
- Hello? - Hey, can you hear me? Just joking, you've got Ted's voice-mail.
Don't you hate it when people do that? Me too, and yet I just did it.
Anyway, leave a message and I'll call you back.
(Beep) (Muffled music plays) Patrick: You know, I have to say, if we hadn't put these babies out there, there's a strong possibility we wouldn't have sold two of 'em today.
And a brush.
But at what cost? You know? And the mark-up on the plungers is actually very good.
Hmm.
Makes me think that we should be taking more products from the back and actually putting them out there.
Mhmm.
Okay, no, no, no, no, no.
No! no! Fine, I'm terrible at compromise! There, I said it.
Like Beyonce, I excel as a solo artist, and I was also dressed by my mother well into my teens, - okay? - Let it out David, let it out.
I'm sorry that I just know what looks correct.
And this situation is not correct! Toilet plungers on display at the front of a store, is incorrect! Breath mints where the lip balms should be.
Not correct! Not correct.
These mountaineering shoes that my boyfriend is wearing, looking like Oprah on a Thanksgiving Day hike, incorrect.
I'm sorry, what did you just say? I said the breath mints need to move.
I think it was something about your boyfriend's shoes? Um I don't remember saying that.
Yeah, no, that's what I heard.
Well hey, my boyfriend doesn't like the shoes, I could, I could take the shoes off.
I mean, or not.
I don't remember saying it.
So, you can do whatever you'd like.
I think my work here is done.
And what work is that, exactly? (Patrick chuckles) (Door opens, bell jingles) My boyfriend doesn't like the shoes, so I'm gonna take the shoes off.
Okay, before you do that, um, I just wanna let you know that sock feet in a public place is also incorrect.
We do what we have to do.
(Muffled music plays) (Moira gasps) Hello, you! Hey.
You were in the bar? How did I not see you? I I wanted to wait for you, but I got bored in the car.
Bored, so I found a lovely little speakeasy at the back of the club.
Where's Twyla? Oh, she used your little finger trick.
Oh! So I guess we won't be waiting for her! - Guess we won't.
- No.
Are you goin' back in? No.
There's no one in there for me.
Okay.
(Footsteps crunch) Well, I I didn't want to say this in front of Twyla but there was a reason I drew Mr.
Cougar Mellencamp into that dark corner of the bar instead of your father.
I don't need to know how this story ends, so Your father was with someone at the time.
But I knew there was something between us.
I just knew it.
Whatever it was, it was worth waiting for.
Well, that's very cute for you, but I don't know what that has to do with me.
It took a year.
A year? But if it's meant to be, they'll come around! (Laughs) Mhmm.
- Should we call it a night? - Yes.
I think so, too.
(Footsteps crunch, keys jingle) - I'm driving? - That's a good idea!