Superstore (2015) s04e04 Episode Script

1 I'm sorry, the company doesn't consider pregnancy a disability.
No, I'm not asking for disability.
I just need to reduce my hours because my doctor says I have to stay off my feet.
Yeah, her feet are really swollen.
You know when you open a can of Pillsbury crescent rolls and the dough just kind of bursts through? Well, it's like that only with feet and toes.
I can try getting you in with a company-approved doctor.
Have you been experiencing any bleeding, spotting, or vaginal discharge? Okay, I am just gonna do some paperwork.
Um, yes, there has been some discharge Oh, this is the way we stape the pape Stape the pape, stape the pape But nothing to write home about.
Alright, I can get you in for an appointment as soon as December 15th.
December 15th? That's like six weeks away.
I will already have my baby by then.
Oh, next time call us farther in advance.
Is there anything else I can help you with today? Well, actually, while we have you on the line Ah, here, do some paperwork.
I accidentally swallowed a watermelon seed the other day.
[upbeat music.]
And corporate sent us some sort of newfangled automatic cart collector.
They say it's part of a [Romanian accent.]
pilot program.
I'm sorry, what are you supposed to be? The back of a horse.
Jerry was supposed to be the front, but he's in Fort Lauderdale with Carol.
Oh.
Hey, you two, you can flirt on your own time.
Next order of business, we're going to be holding an employee costume competition today.
Oh, in honor of Halloween? Yep, yep.
Because of Halloween.
Um, so at the end of the day we'll all vote who wore it best, and the winner gets [imitates trumpeting.]
A fully paid vacation day.
- What? - Ohh.
- I want that.
- Yeah.
There's a day off? Wait, why didn't you tell us there was a day off? I would have dressed up.
That's not a costume? I thought you were a dirty pile of laundry.
I'm sorry I was too exhausted to get dressed.
My feet are so swollen I can barely stand.
I'm more pregnant than you and I'm doing great.
Yeah, my hair is silkier, my skin's glowing, I just grew a new tooth.
I'm doing very well.
I always feel like Somebody's watching me And I have no privacy I really wanna win this contest.
People are gonna know I'm Super Mario, right? Not just some fat plumber.
I think people will get it.
And you should keep that mustache.
It really works for you.
Oh, yeah, I was thinking of growing one.
You should, you should.
It brings out your eyes.
Yeah, thank you.
Do you think they're gonna know what I am? Oh yeah.
So great, so smart.
You know what it is, right? Yeah, totally.
I'm "Gerry Mander.
" These are all gerrymander districts.
Yeah, no.
I know that.
Totally.
It's very intelligent.
Yeah, thanks.
Woo! This follows you anywhere? As long as you're holding the fob.
Okay, this is crazy.
How do we have this but, like, have still never been to the sun.
Hey, if you swallow the fob, will the collector just follow you until you poop it out? That is such a good question.
I'll reach out to the manufacturer.
- Yeah.
- Dina! What do I do? Should I jump the railing? No, no, stay there.
This will be a teachable moment.
[screaming.]
No! Happy Halloween.
Check out our great deals on batteries if you dare.
I'll give you a hint, it's slightly political.
Gay Spiderman.
- Wait.
- Halloween surfboard This is like the fifth time they've played this song today.
I hate how they just keep looping the same Halloween music over and over again.
At this point I've learned how to just block out the most annoying stuff around here.
You're like one of those monks in Tibet.
You know, they practice this meditation technique called Tummo.
Garret, are you Oh I get it.
'Cause I'm annoying.
Yeah, all right.
You made your point.
Yeah, well, you know what? You're annoying, so I'm gonna ignore you.
Doesn't feel so good, does it? Toro, Toro.
[both cheering.]
Yeah! What are you doing? Playing matador.
This thing is so cool.
You wanna see how it works? No, I don't want to see how it works.
While you guys have been out here playing with this fart collector, you know, the costume aisle has turned into a war zone.
Can you please go back inside? But I haven't had a turn yet at the It's okay.
I'll just come early tomorrow.
Please skedaddle.
Oh, you changed costumes.
So did you.
Well, I guess we both need that vacation day, huh? Yeah, well, my feet are giant balloons full of blood and I have a little monster inside of me.
I wanna see that new Johnny English movie.
Man, Cheyenne really stepped it up.
- Oh, mahalo.
- She changed too? It's so sad.
She probably thinks that looking sexy is going to help her win the contest or something.
Well that's not gonna work, right? Are you kidding me? I think everybody else can kiss that day off "aloha.
" The goodbye meaning.
Cheyenne can kiss it "aloha," hello meaning.
[chuckles.]
What a kooky language.
Aloha, girl.
That costume is amazing.
Awh, thanks.
The coconuts and the grass and the belly button that I can see.
I'm literally obsessed with you.
You're literally in danger.
I was wondering though, do you think that maybe this costume might be objectifying women? Huh.
You know, I can see that.
Like, do you really want men gawking at you like you're some piece of meat? - Yeah.
- Kinda.
Okay.
And I was also thinking that maybe this costume is offensive to, um, Hawaiian people.
Like Sandra.
She's Hawaiian.
Oh, good call.
Don't worry, Sandra saw it and she didn't say anything.
It's also just wasteful 'cause that's not what coconuts Yeah.
People are starving around the world and Well, someone ate the coconut.
I just put it on my boob.
Who ate the coconut? I don't know, someone at a Thai restaurant or something.
Halloween surfboard Hey man, why did you have to point out this stupid Halloween song? Now I can't tune it out.
It doesn't even make sense.
"Dracula was putting on moon tan lotion.
" Why is a Dracula at the beach? Yeah, it's not a good song.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one noticing it anymore.
Okay, well next time, keep it to yourself.
Not everybody needs to notice the same stuff.
Why don't you just try thinking of a different song? You know, like, um, you know [arrhythmic humming.]
God, what are some songs? There she is.
I thought someone might have turned you into glue by now.
Why? 'Cause you're a horse.
You know how they kill horses and turn their bones and hooves into glue? They do? Nope, just being a goof.
Hey, did you see Cheyenne's hula costume? Yeah.
That's not offensive to you or anything, is it? Why would it be offensive? Oh, no, just that, you know, some people might call it cultural appropriation.
Just because reducing your entire heritage to some cartoony stereotype might be disrespectful or something.
She's just having fun.
OMG.
How cute is Cheyenne's hula outfit? Hawaiians are like "Laki-maki laki-maki laki-maki.
" Actually, hula is a sacred It's adorable.
Oh, you guys, you're just such a cute, funny little people.
Thanks.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! Ohh.
Jonah! Jonah.
Come here.
Come here.
Look.
Okay, look.
You're not going to believe this but just watch.
So fast.
Good job, buddy.
No, no, before Now, I want it to be spicy but not too spicy, like a step past ketchup but not quite to mustard.
Halloween surfboard Now I've had a "quesadillo" and I've had a "chimi-Chang-a," and I like them, but Gary, now, he likes a cream tuna on noodles.
I always say to him, "live a little, Gary.
" God, I can't take it! Oh, sorry.
Excuse me, I'm looking for a "salza.
" What the hell was that? This same song keeps playing over and over again, and it's starting to drive me crazy.
Oh, I like hearing the same song.
You always know what you're getting, no surprises.
My workout mix is just 12 tracks of Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time.
" Well, that's on leg days.
On arm days it's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant.
" She can't even be in the contest now.
I feel bad.
Well, you had to say something.
It was obviously bothering you.
Yeah, I love Cheyenne but she needed to be called out.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive.
I mean, Janet's half-Jamaican, and she's okay with Marcus' Rasta cap.
Yeah, I don't love it, but I figured it's just a costume.
Just a costume? Your culture is not some costume that Marcus can wear for laughs.
Janet.
- It doesn't end until we make it end.
- Yeah.
We are the ones that we've been waiting for.
You know what? You're right.
[bleep.]
that guy.
Hey, Marcus! You'll find the sexy nurse costumes in aisle nine between the sexy Minions and the sexy sandwiches.
Hey, Glenn, I think you left that in the parking lot.
Thank you.
Good thing I'm not a real mailman.
Leaving the mail in the parking lot? I would have been fired for sure.
Ah, I think they would have let it slide since it's your first day.
Jonah, no offense, but you know absolutely nothing about the U.
S.
Postal Service.
["Tubular Bells" plays.]
Hey, Sayid, I just wanted to check in and see you're feeling about Chris' Aladdin costume.
How ya holding up with the racism? I mean, it just seems to me like her costume is a slap in the face to your Latino culture.
Sayid should know better.
I'm sure as a person of German heritage this is very offensive.
Well, I'm not German.
I'm French-Canadian.
Well, did you see Teddy is dressed as a hockey player? Can you believe that banjo he's carrying? As if all southerners are just toothless backwater rednecks.
That offend you? I think he's supposed to be Steve Martin.
[southern accent.]
"I think he's supposed to be Steve Martin.
" That's what you sound like.
Okay, the problem is the same song keeps playing every ten minutes.
Same song, all day long.
Well, I doubt any customers are sticking around all day.
Yeah, but I am.
I'm here all day long.
All day long, same song.
It's starting to become a little much.
Oh, if this is about employee satisfaction, I can transfer you over to No, do not transfer me.
I have been transferred to six different departments in four different countries.
I don't understand why it takes an international coalition to control a playlist.
Which is something that I have been doing for ten years with no problems.
Nobody got hurt, then all of a sudden you guys takeover and it's "Halloween Surfboard.
" "Halloween Surfboard.
" It's just stupid! Please hold.
You want the Halloween surfboard The expiration date said July 2023, and I was like, "I might expire by then.
" [eerie music.]
That's what's so great about, you know, canned goods, 'cause, you know, they're in cans.
Stop.
Okay, keep keep walking.
Again, I'm just looking for water chestnuts.
Um huh.
You can just tell me what aisle they're in.
Not right now! Now, do we think that Freddy is just a pirate or is he a Somali pirate? Because that would be messed up.
You are a real hero, you know that? You're like a voice for the voiceless.
Hey, we have a problem.
You need to take that costume off.
What? Why? We've had a complaint about this whole Italian minstrel show you've got going on.
No, I'm no I'm Mario.
You know.
It's a me, Mario! My brother is a' Luigi! Hey, you need to stop right now.
Why? I mean, who would even I can't believe you complained about my costume just to win the contest.
It had nothing to do with the contest.
I was legitimately offended.
Oh, please.
Marcus, you're Italian.
Mario's okay, right? I've actually thought a lot about this.
I mean, for me personally, "Super Mario Brothers" is a classic.
"Mario Kart," also solid.
But "Mario Party?" It's like, what happened? See? Marcus is fine with it.
Oh, that makes sense.
Yeah, I guess we can all start telling racist jokes as long as one person from that race signs off.
Is that true? My Jewish bird joke is so good, and I think you'll feel like we're laughing with you.
Still no.
Ugh, it's so good.
All Amy is saying is people need to stop looking for a reason to be offended.
Exactly.
I mean, you can't even sing NWA anymore without being asked to leave a cookout.
That is not what I was saying.
[hip-hop music playing.]
I don't understand why Amy's allowed to wear a mustache but I can't wear my dreadlocks.
And I can't wear a grass skirt and coconut boobs.
Let her wear the coconut boobs, you monsters.
It's because those costumes objectify a whole culture.
I am not dressed as an Italian.
I am dressed as a character who happens to be Italian.
So I'm not allowed to dress up as a Jamaican, but if I'm dressing up as Bob Marley, who happens to be Jamaican, [as Bob Marley.]
Then everything be irie, Mon.
- No.
- What's the difference? It's just it's different.
Jonah, I feel like you can explain this better.
Well, I know it's different, I'm just having trouble putting into words why, uh Janet, could you explain it to them? Why me? No reason, just, you know stuff.
It's no different.
If we let Amy wear that costume, then we might as well let Marcus wear blackface.
- That's offense.
- That would be awesome.
No, it is not the same thing.
Wait, hold on, wait.
Why can't I paint my face to look like Bob Marley but Elias can paint his to look like a Smurf.
You can't just there's a whole history - Janet? - Yeah? Nothing, I'm just checking in.
How you doing? Are you good? Okay, you know what? This is getting too complicated.
Let's just cancel the contest.
- What? - No! It's not worth upsetting everybody over one day off work.
We can't just live our lives afraid to offend someone.
I think that we, you know, as a society, we need to just lighten up a little bit.
Yeah, I mean really, if I think about it Mario is a hardworking plumber that rescues princesses.
If anything, that costume honors Italians.
- Yes.
- So I can wear my hula outfit if I'm honoring Hawaiians.
Yea I mean I guess if you feel like it's about honoring the culture and not just to look sexy.
Yup, I'm honoring the culture.
And I can wear my Rasta hat if it's about honoring Jamaicans.
Well, I mean, I guess if we're saying that it's all or nothing, then I can't really think of a reason to say no.
[Jamaican accent.]
Bumbaclot! Okay then, contest back on.
- Yes.
- Great.
Have you been wearing that under your shirt all day? Yeah, I don't know how you do it.
Hello, St.
Louis! Welcome to Cloud 9 store 1217's 2018 Halloween official employee costume competition royale.
- [cheers and applause.]
- Yeah! All right.
Let's meet our first contestant, Marcus White! He did the Mash He did the Monster Mash [as Bob Marley.]
One love! Everything irie.
[normal voice.]
But I'll tell you what isn't Irie.
Nearly 700,000 Africans brought to Jamaica as slaves.
The Rastafari movement isn't about ganja and bobsleds.
It's about resisting the tyranny of white oppressors.
Perhaps just like you.
Thanks, and happy Halloween.
He did the Mash He did the Monster Mash The Monster Mash Oh, good.
I thought you were What's this? I gotta cover up the ceiling speakers.
The key is to get sweaters thick enough to block out the sound.
The tighter the knit, the less "Halloween Surfboard" gets through.
Yeah, okay, good.
Hey, listen.
You know technology, right? Like you're plugged in, so, um, where are we on the timeline of robots having feelings, like, you know, anger or vengeance? I mean, [stammers.]
is that happening yet? Yeah, I don't know, maybe.
You know, could be.
Oh.
Good.
Good to know.
[Mario tube sound effect.]
[as Mario.]
One up! It's a me, a Mario! I eatsa the pasta.
[normal voice.]
But Italians are so much more than just spaghetti and meatballs.
From the beginning of time, white women have honored us with their contributions to science and the arts.
A bell rang out through the city of Dolores.
Gong! Gong! Known as the land beyond the forest, Transylvania is rich in natural splendor and mineral resources.
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Joy Behar.
Marie Curie.
Madonna.
Brainy Smurf's special talent is his brain.
There is the Sistine Chapel, penne arrabbiata.
You pour the vinegar in [gasps.]
And the lava comes out.
[traditional Middle Eastern music.]
Viva Morelos! Viva Allende! Viva Josefa Ortiz de Dominguez! Jokey Smurf, he tells jokes.
He's funny.
He's the funny one.
Gerrymandering may present the most grave threat to our democracy.
[traditional Middle Eastern music.]
The Venice canals and, uh, mozzarella sticks.
If you look back to the midterm election results of 2006 Shoot your web.
Oh, no, I'm not Spider-Man.
Shoot it anyway.
Thwip.
Nice.
[Applause.]
Halloween surfboard Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, I do not have an announcement, but as long as I am talking I am not listening, so just gotta keep talking.
Uh, save 30% off roach gel.
Stop roaches in their tracks.
Except you can never really stop them, can you? They'll just keep coming and coming, invading your mind in an endless loop.
[imitating child.]
Are we there yet, Daddy? [As Dad.]
Sorry, son, the hell ride, it lasts forever.
It's buy one, get one free on peas.
Love is kinda crazy With a spooky little girl like you I just want you to know that I actually really do like your costume.
Thanks.
I like yours, too.
Do you wanna hold hands like in Miss America? Not really.
I actually don't like your costume.
And the winner of one day off work with pay and this small bowling trophy because it's all we had Amy Sosa! Yes! Yes! In! Yo! Face! In yo face! Yes, I would like to accept this award on behalf of the Italian people.
Ah-ooooh Werewolves of London Ah-ooooh Jerusha, I want you to go pack a go-bag, and go outside, wait by the mailbox, and when you see my car, get a running start and then jump through the window, okay? Because I am not going to be able to stop.
Oh, and see if any of our neighbors have a shotgun you can borrow.
I'll see you soon.
So how much did I win by? Was it, like, a landslide? You can tell me.
Oh, it was a total landslide, for Cheyenne.
What? I mean, her boob accidentally popped out.
You can't compete with that.
Wait, did you cheat for me? Mm-hmm.
Nice.
It's kinda fitting, don't you think, that I actually ended up suppressing votes? [chuckles.]
'Cause it, uh, 'cause I'm Gerry Mander.
- Mm-hmm.
- You get it.