The Cleveland Show s04e04 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Son, as a rite of passage, you must now pick one of these disgusting creatures to be yours.
We're just like that father and son on Cathouse.
Uch.
That show's only worth watching when you're too tired to get your computer.
Oh! Sometimes I see so much of your mother in you.
I choose this one, Daddy.
He put his pecker in my mouth.
Okay, okay.
Shoot it.
What? I'm not shooting this turkey! Killing innocent animals is wrong.
No animals are innocent.
They're all guilty of something.
Besides, you eat turkey all the time.
That's turkey the food.
This is turkey the animal.
Benjamin Franklin thought turkeys were so noble, he suggested they be America's national bird.
Benjamin Franklin was an atheist pedophile who flew kites to meet children.
That's why God struck him with lightning.
I won't do it! No! Mama! Mama! This is it! Over here! Rallo, what is this I let you wake me up and drive me down here for? The Thanksgiving Day parade float registration! Come on, Mama.
I've been talking about this since Febu Febra since before March.
Um, are y'all here for the, um, Thanksgiving float registration? Yeah, give us that clipboard, you burnout.
And forget everything you know about floats.
'Cause ours will be the Cadillac of the 1970s of floats.
It's gonna be the kind of float that when it goes by, people say, "Huh, look at that float.
Oh, here comes another one.
" Everyone's sitting with turkeys, and I gave birth to one.
Where is your embarrassment of a son? He's probably at home taking baths with lady products.
But tomorrow, after I take my bath cinnamon essence, I am going to take him to kill a turkey! Yours are a fragrant and fascinating people.
Thank you.
Oh, Cleveland, those curly fries are for fathers and sons who are bonding, so Oh, these? No one gets them! And I call you can't order any more! Gus, You'll give us more, right?! Sorry, fellas, it's been called.
Alfredo, no mas curly fries! ¿Por que? Por que Cleveland called it.
That's por que! Okay, Dick.
Mama, I finished my design for our float.
It's a turkey.
And that's the sun.
Why is he smiling? Perhaps it's the good-lookin' turkey float.
Mm-hmm.
That's great, Rallo.
You think we can knock this out in time for Judge Mathis? It's a good one about a lawnmower.
Hi, Donna.
A little turd told me that you're competing in the float contest this year.
Rallo was the turd.
It's a contest?! Rallo, you didn't tell me that, you little turd! Don't get too excited.
The same bitch has won the contest for ten years: me.
There's a boat chasing us! Listen up, Rallo.
I am not about to lose to Miss Teddy Suxpin over there.
A'ight.
I can't believe we're going to the Pillsbury Doughboy's house! I can't believe you believe it either.
Was that a gun? Hmm? Oh, no, I'm not about to trick you into shooting a turkey.
You know, it's a long trip.
Why don't you put your seat back, take a nap, and I'll wake you up when we get there? I'm too excited to sleep.
Nonsense.
Catch some Zs for Pa-pa? Here's a blanket, Larry the Leopard, a eye pillow, and this.
Good night.
What the?! Where's the Pillsbury Doughboy?! Dead, Junior! The turkeys did it! In cold gobbly blood! His last words were, "Avenge me, Junior!" Then he poked himself in the stomach, giggled, and died.
Kill 'em! Kill 'em all! You sons of bitches! Wait a minute.
This isn't the Doughboy residence! You tricked me! I will not murder with you! Why can't you just be more like the D.
C.
Sniper's son? Stop comparing me to Lee Boyd Malvo! I'm not him! Fine.
I'll do it.
Please, Dad, don't do this! I'm gonna put a duck in your butt.
And then I'm gonna put a chicken in the duck's butt.
Ow! Oh.
I suspect fowl play.
I can live with that being my final joke ever.
Doctor, you can stop lighting matches under his elbow.
He's awake.
Aw.
Am I dead? No, Mr.
Brown, you're very much alive.
Luckily, your many layers of stomach fat slowed the bullet before it finally lodged in the part of your liver that's already dead.
If you were shot three or four inches to either side, you would have still been shot in the fat.
Ta-da! Junior, you were right.
Now I know what it feels like to be hunted and shot.
Those poor gobblers.
Killing turkeys is wrong! Except in cases of rape and incest.
We need to stop this! Let's go, Junior! Aw, yeah, watch out, Arianna! Someone's making a quaint and homespun float ovah heah! Well, if you like it now, you're gonna love it with some fluorescent pink splatter paint! Ah, oh, okay, a pink turkey, sure.
I know! My poo cray! Here come the googly eyes! Googly eyes? You trying to make a fool of Donna?! I mean, what fun.
I know! And I got some bubble wrap to throw on it.
Ooh, and you know what else would be cool? A book of your stamps.
And macaroni! Oh, Donna, your float is inferior to mine.
Burn! Well, what she doesn't know is I've got the last word in taste and design, and I'm about to pull out the big gun! Tim Gunn! Donna, your float makes me want to vomit.
Which in the fashion industry is like a standing ovation.
So I'm a little torn here.
Make it work.
Bitch, you make it work.
I also say "wow factor.
" What do we want?! To stop killing turkeys! When do we want it?! We haven't really talked about it yet! Well, when are you free to discuss it? What's your Tuesday like? Tennis lessons! Honey, move along.
They're insane.
Gentlemen, I have two words for you: Can you Dig it? What? No! This isn't my float! I don't understand.
Hi, boys.
Aw, I was hoping to surprise you, Rallo.
Isn't she magnificent? But what about my ideas? What about the googly eyes?! Oh, I loved all your ideas! So much so that I took them one step further and thought, "What if the float didn't have googly eyes?" Then I ran with that.
Say what? Now you can finally get the revenge you've always wanted against Arianna.
Fellas, when's the last time y'all went totally ballistic on a big bird? It's been a minute.
Yeah, yeah! Junior, my feet hurt.
I'm tired.
Are we even making a difference? I mean, has a protest ever really effected change? A little history lesson, Dad.
In 2007, as President Bush was preparing to send another 20,000 brave American soldiers to fight and probably die in an unpopular and unwinnable war, protesters like you and me stood up for what they believed in and sent 20 tons of peanuts to CBS to get Jericho back on the air.
Did it work? Did it work? Why don't you ask the seven additional episodes CBS ordered? You idiots have been so annoying that folks hate turkeys more than ever.
Business is a-boomin'! In fact, all 27 remaining turkeys are scheduled to be hunted down tomorrow.
Oh, my God! How sad.
No in memumoriam! We must save Fred! And Alex! And Marvin! And Jeff Conaway! Are those really the turkeys' names? I didn't see whatever you saw.
Okay, we'll break out the turkeys tonight and hide them.
Then, tomorrow when everyone's at the parade, we'll take them to the Goochland Turkey Preserve.
You and I would make good cats.
Stay focused, but I do agree with you.
Meow, meow.
Damn it! Whew.
Hello, friend.
When you shot me, you saved my life.
And now I shall return the favor.
Freedom! Shut the up, man! You're right.
Let's stick to the plan and get these guys to the safe house.
And make sure Lester doesn't see us or else he'll kill us in the faces.
Oh! Round 'em up, Junior.
But how are we going to get them to follow us? You just leave that to you.
Our garage.
Underground Railroad.
We're coming.
Shh.
Be quiet.
Mr.
Barkington's sleeping on the porch.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Password? Knock-knock-a-roonie-doonie.
Exact-a-rooonie-boonie! Hello! Whoa! Let's go! Safe at last.
Keep these suckers in here for the night.
Y'all lay low in here for a little while.
I'll come back with some pizzas.
Y'all fine with Papa John? You know what? We're bringing them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Them dumb birds don't know the difference.
Ooh No, no, no, no, no, no, no! How are we gonna sneak out those birds? I just got an idea and lost it, and now it's back and I should write it down before I forget again Damn it.
What was it? Give me a second Got it! Wait, lost it A-ha! Rallo! It's almost time for the parade and our float's been completely trashed! We're screwed! Oh, yeah, yeah, I trashed it.
Because you trashed my dream of making a float with my mother's love and support! Oh, Rallo, what have I done? I know! I'm your son! That should be more important than any old contest! No! I mean, I set Arianna's float on fire! Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.
I never should have let you down.
I'm going to run to the store and buy all the googly eyes they have! Oh, the bear-manity! Lester! Hello, Cleveland.
Did you hear somebody stole all my turkeys last night? No.
How are you? Fine.
Midmorning's kind of a funny time to be hanging out near your garage.
Lester, you need to relax and enjoy Thanksgiving, because the holidays go by in a flash! Well, I'll be.
I didn't know you were a flasher, too? Yeah, I'm trying to get back into it.
Now! Hurry! So, Les you've done some flashing yourself, huh? I dabble.
Weddings and bar mitzvahs, mostly.
Just a little constructive criticism your lengthy flash is appreciated, but not necessary.
You really just want to give the people a taste.
That's why they call it a "flash.
" Oh kay.
Welp, me and the boy better get our float over to the parade.
Oh, well have fun! Happy Thanksgiving! I'll kill ya if you stole my birds! Never imagined he'd have gone gray down there.
Reminds me of when I saw Bill Russell at that urinal.
Mama double-crossed me! She's taking my float to the parade without me or my googly eyes! Mama, you're a dead man! Damn it, Walt! If you gonna borrow my Big Wheel, fill it up before you bring it back! Kendra! We did it, Junior! We saved 27 turkeys.
Uh-oh.
See? That explains why I said "uh-oh.
" Uh-oh.
Yeah.
Great float! Go on through.
Damn, people be tall.
Hey! Whoa, I'm higher than Woody Harrelson listening to Dark Side of the Moon at Matthew McConaughey's beach house! Right in the middle of these two.
That's where we want to be.
Thanks! I love your store, Michael.
Come back soon! And Donna? You're doing the right thing for Rallo.
I know.
I really am a great mom.
With a great ass! Michael My baby! All right, you two, give me the birds! Nevah! Fine, I'll just kill 'em myself.
Lester's Turkey Hunt is back on! Rallo! I'm here, baby! Don't move! Mama? Oh, Mama.
You brought the googly eyes! You do love me more than a parade float! My baby! My baby! Ma'am, there's no need to panic.
Those power lines will stop him.
Cleveland! Help! Is that the little kid from upstairs? That balloon is outrageous! Ya happy? Rallo's gonna die because you had to save those stupid turkeys.
They are not stupid! Ah! Ah Y'all see that? That poo cray! Every year we have this tradition to pardon a turkey.
This year, I'm pardoning these 27 for saving this little life.
We won the float contest! Well, we did it, Daddy.
We saved some turkeys.
We sure did.
And son, I don't tell you this enough, but you're a good, fat little person.
Hey, let's not go through the same thing over our Christmas ham.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll kill a pig.
Strangle it with my bare hands.
Watch the life drain from its eyes.
Mm-hmm.
Eat the sucker for dinner that night.
Tail, gristle, teeth, all of it.
All right.
I'd also like to kill a person.
What? I could get away with it too.
Get on a bus, pay with cash, kill him where nobody could hear, hop back on the bus.
They'd never catch me, as long as nobody went flapping their lips about it.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!