The Conners (2018) s04e04 Episode Script

1 The wedding is tomorrow and the bridesmaids' dresses aren't even here yet.
The florist says that they're out of baby's breath and he's gonna replace it with eucalyptus, which is gonna make the entire church smell like cough medicine.
Oh, and after our ceremony, there's a funeral, so there is gonna be a casket off to the side reminding us that as we start our new lives together, someone's going the other way.
You've got this.
The wedding's gonna be great.
[Cellphone dings.]
Oh, more good news the weather report.
There's a storm coming in.
- A storm of love.
- [Scoffs.]
Your father is useless.
Uselessly in love.
So, I know I probably don't even need to ask you this because it would be cruel and insensitive, but Ben is not coming to the wedding, right? [Laughs.]
Funny you should mention that.
Yes, he is.
[Scoffs.]
Why didn't you tell me? Well, I was going to, but this.
Look, honey, he's my business partner, and the rest of the family loves him.
Do you have any idea how incredibly awkward this is gonna be for me? Nope.
I married my highschool sweetheart and made that last for 46 years.
Just sayin'.
Uh, yeah, if you subtract sleeping, drinking beer, and "working on your motorcycle in the garage," you guys had like three good years.
Look, I know the wedding's gonna be hard, but just try to avoid Ben the best you can.
We sat him and his plus-one at another table.
What?! What?! He's bringing a date?! When were you gonna tell me that? [Sighs.]
At the last possible minute, and if you want to know why, listen to your tone.
I mean, why would he do that? Is he trying to stick it to me? Or maybe he just wants to prove that he can find somebody before I do.
That is so pathetic and small.
Now I only have one day to find someone to make him feel like crap! 4x04 - The Wedding of Dan and Louise Is it appropriate to serve wings at a wedding reception in a church? Well, not an angel's wings unless they're, you know, parmesan-garlic.
God [Sighs.]
I am so nervous about being at the wedding.
It's my first big social event where everybody's gonna be drinking.
Well, you can't pick up a drink if you've already got one in your hand, so you just carry a Shirley Temple around all night.
Oh, finally! A cure for alcoholism.
So [Sighs.]
I'm bringing a date to the wedding.
Don't make a big deal about it.
BOTH: Oooooooooooh! Who's the damaged guy? Okay, I'll tell you, but you can't say anything - to my mom, okay? - Uh-oh.
No, it it's not like that.
He's a tattoo artist I work with, and he's sweet and supportive and he respects me, and he's 38 and he's got two kids.
Bye.
No, no! Hang on.
He's 38?! Well, hey, you're dating somebody younger.
Why I can't I date somebody older? Yeah, we're both about 20 years different in age from our dates, but you're 19.
And stupid.
Hey, I called you my cool aunt in public.
We were all stupid at 19.
You've only had one bad relationship.
Before your aunt foolishly dated a man who's too young for her, she prepared herself by having many, many bad relationships.
Good point.
And you cannot surprise your mom with this at your grandfather's wedding.
Well, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
She won't be able to freak out 'cause she has to maintain for Grandpa.
Now, when you say "Grandpa," do you mean your actual grandfather or your date? [Clears throat.]
By the way you're oilin' that chain, I can tell you're pretty excited for tomorrow.
I'm just holding it together.
I'm nervous as hell.
Best thing I can do right now is be a cheerleader for Louise.
Disaster! We got the bridesmaids' dresses and they are all the wrong sizes! I'm sure it'll be fine.
Actually, the the the the dressmaker screwed up and she did it in Italian sizes instead of US.
[Italian accent.]
Ey, that's-a crazy! Will you just take 'em off? I-I-It's making me anxious just to look at them.
[Sighs.]
This is impossible.
I had a dream of a perfect wedding, and now it's just a nightmare.
I can't find the flowers and the dresses are all wrong, and people are yelling at me about where they're seated.
I am overwhelmed.
Look, these are just the last bumps in the road.
We're almost there.
No, Dan.
I want out.
I-I-I-I think we should just live together.
You were right.
You didn't even want to do all this, and I forced you.
Just call everybody tell them I'm sick.
Look, I know it sounds crazy right now, but 14 hours from now, you'll be doing the chicken dance and feeling great.
[Sighs.]
You're not hearing me, Dan.
This is too much.
I don't think I want this anymore.
I should go talk to her.
No, give her some space.
She's embarrassed because she asked for all this.
The only way you can really help her is if you take all this off her plate.
There's one day! I don't know how to fix any of this! Come on! Your woman's in trouble! You gonna stand by watching her drown? No, you're gonna jump in and pull her to safety.
Well, if she has to wait for me to fix a dress or find baby's breath, she's going under.
Dan, you're the family fixer! You fix things! Somebody's got a problem, who do they go to? They go to Dan! You really gonna let her down? - No! No! Of course not! - Yeah! All right.
I'm taking over.
Yeah.
Give me some duct tape and let me at them dresses.
Okay, it's not your fault that that's an idiotic idea.
It's our fault for trying to domesticate men and bring them inside our homes.
You're outside animals.
Okay, I think we're ready to load the van.
Let's get this old goat hitched.
[Bleats.]
Have you heard from Louise? Wedding's in a few hours.
I know it's in a few hours.
I've been texting her all morning, telling her I've got everything under control, but nothing.
I'm starting to freak out.
What if she doesn't show up? Oh, no, she'll be there.
Just 'cause she's been a single woman her whole life doing what she wants, going wherever she pleases, that doesn't mean she's not gonna want to be tied down to You know what? Let's get all this stuff in the van.
The weather service has just issued a severe weather alert - [Knock on door.]
- for Chicago, including Elgin, Lanford, and the surrounding communities.
[Thunder rumbling, rain falling.]
Hey! Mikey! I didn't think you were gonna show.
Why wouldn't I? You know, because after the sex, you were all in love with me and stuff.
[Sighs.]
I'm fine.
I've got those feelings in check.
I know you're not ready for a relationship because you're a drunkard.
A big one.
That's why I appreciate your support.
It's gonna be hard not to have a drink when everybody's getting plastered at the wedding.
[Gasps.]
Ooh, maybe you should keep a Shirley Temple in your hand all night.
Wow.
I gotta go apologize to my aunt.
- Hey.
- Hey, Mikey! Okay, the rain's getting worse.
We better get on the road.
Grab your stuff.
Hey.
Wait, so, you actually planned to ride over here on a scooter in the rain, put me on the back of it all made up for a wedding, and then ride six miles to the church? I-I brought you your own trash bag.
Oh, gee, without knowing my size? I'm a 13-gallon, for future reference.
Hey! I was coming over to see if anybody needed a ride, but then my car stalled after I swerved into a flooded pothole trying to avoid this idiot on a scooter wearing a trash bag.
Ah! And, of course, it was you! What the hell is he doing here? Well, you were bringing a plus-one, so I decided to do the same.
My plus-one was my mom.
Dude's mom won't even date him.
She decided not to come because [As Mom.]
"it sounds like a super-spreader event, and COVID probably won't be the worst of it.
" Well, I didn't know that.
Oh, well, hey, it's all right.
It's not like you've ever done anything impetuous before without considering the consequences.
Okay, we can discuss our shattered lives in the van.
Let's go.
One question.
"Impetuous" means doing something quickly without care or consideration for how it affects other people.
So, it has nothing to do with being hungry? I was way off.
We're running late.
Can't you drive any faster? This is flat farmland.
I've seen what these winds are capable of.
Do you know what it's like to take a loved one to identify a cow with a pig through it? Hey, Neville, what is this thing? It's a horse speculum.
Wow.
Those things must be huge.
Look at this.
You can crank this thing even wider.
Put that down.
I'm sure you and the professor will be very happy together.
Well, we're not together.
And I am not a professor.
Would you stop?! I'm nervous enough about the wedding without having to listen to you idiots yammer about what goes inside a horse.
JACKIE: Hey, it's Twister Hunters! You guys onto something today?! You might want to turn back! A couple of funnels have touched down in the west, but the cell could move to the south! Oh, my God! That's my therapist.
Dr.
Harding? What are you doing? You're a psychologist.
Why are you chasing tornadoes? Oh, hey, Darlene! Uh, my ex-wife told me that I hide in my office to avoid life and, uh, that I'm boring.
I'll tell ya, I'm sitting here driving into a tornado! Doesn't feel boring to me! I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die! But you give me advice, and what you're doing is insane! Well, you gotta do as I say, not as I do, Darlene.
How are the panic attacks coming? Well, I'm sitting in this van with my ex and the guy that I was gonna go to Hawaii with, and a psychic told me that the only way I'm ever gonna figure out my life is if I go on a spiritual journey.
Sounds like driving into a tornado is the best thing that could happen to you right now! Good luck! Great.
If I die in the same van as Billy Bong-Water over here, I'll never forgive you.
Of course you won't.
You'll be dead.
[Scoffs.]
And you were gonna marry this guy? Hi.
Oh, hey.
I'm Darlene.
Oh, a snake with a devil's head.
- Cool.
- [Laughs.]
Thanks.
You must be one of the guys in Louise's band.
Oh, no.
But I was in a gang once.
It's kind of like a band, but if you make a mistake, they mm! shoot you in the face.
Oh, well, thanks for coming.
- [Laughs.]
- Uh, hi, Mom.
I see you've met my date.
This is Aldo.
We work together at the tattoo shop.
We could fight about it right now, but that'd be really selfish on Grandpa's big day.
See you later.
What was that about? I have no idea.
I think Harris is dating some scary, old dude with a neck tattoo.
Wow.
That is news to me.
If I had known about that, I would have told you immediately.
Wait, so you knew? Oh, yeah, I knew.
Jackie, too.
Where's the rest of the family and all the other guests? Most of them couldn't make it through the storm, but they're gonna try to make the reception later.
Hey.
You guys seen Louise? No, and I was just in the bride's dressing room.
It's empty.
BECKY: To Dan and Louise! May they last longer than Darlene and Ben! ALL: Cheers.
I thought that was really nice.
Does this apple juice taste weird to anybody? It's burning my throat.
[Clears throat.]
Oh, my God.
This is champagne.
You told me that the apple juice was on the left! It is! We were on the other side when I told you.
I'm so sorry.
Here, this is the cider.
No, wait, I almost did it again.
- Becky! - It's okay.
I-I got it.
[Sobbing.]
Do you know this is the men's room? I don't care! I'm so upset I thought I was gonna throw up! I blew my sobriety! H-Hey, look, it was only one sip, and it was an accident.
It doesn't matter! A sip is considered a drink! I should have smelled it first, and now it's in me, and now I'm afraid I'm gonna want more! I don't know what to do! D-Do you want to call your sponsor? I tried.
She didn't answer.
I left a message.
I can't go out there.
There's alcohol everywhere.
[Sighs.]
Hey, look, then we can stay in here for a while.
I'll distract you.
You know this church used to be a Taco Bell? That's why it has the Spanish motif.
All the original Taco Bells used to look like the Alamo.
That's an interesting thing to think about! Not at all! I have to get completely out of my head right now, or I'll have to leave, and I don't want to leave my dad's wedding! How do we do that? [Playing "Bridal March".]
I am too old To be a flower girl I'm 5'4" and I've already kissed a boy I'm here.
[Laughs.]
Glad you made it.
I almost didn't make it.
Had to use the women's bathroom.
I went in the men's room somebody was gettin' it on in the stall.
Don't judge.
Maybe it was an emergency.
When your mom saw we were a couple, it looked like she was gonna pass out.
No! No, she always looks pale like that.
Oh, okay.
Uh, we need a minute here.
Okay, don't make a scene.
Unless Louise doesn't show and we need a distraction.
Then you can go at each other like a MMA pay-per-view.
I gotta go.
I know my dad invited you because he felt obligated because you work together, but you didn't need to say yes.
I don't even know why you're here.
This is a day for family.
Do not come to the reception.
Well, it isn't your choice, and I felt like I was family when I was helping pay your dad's mortgage.
Oh, right, and you've been so gracious about it.
Oh, hey, I was happy to help.
And, yeah, I became close with everybody in your family, which couldn't be helped because there's like 20 of you! Place is like a kennel! Well, that's over now.
When you bailed on me, you bailed on my family! As we wait for the bride, we are silent.
Aw, crap.
- Sorry I'm late.
- [Scoffs.]
I didn't think you were coming, so I've been bad-mouthing you behind your back.
I can't tell you how glad I am that you're here.
Well, we'll talk about it later.
We're supposed to be walking.
No.
Let them wait a sec.
They're here for us.
I just want to look at you.
- You're beautiful.
- Mm.
- Let's walk.
- Okay.
[Sighs.]
Thanks for helping me when I needed it.
When you said you were okay just living together, I realized I wasn't.
I want to be your husband, 'cause once we're married, that's at least one legal speed bump - before you can ditch me.
- [Sighs.]
If everyone would take their seats Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today [Air raid sirens wailing.]
Tornado! Son of a bitch! I knew I shouldn't have done it in the church.
Everyone, please move quickly but in an orderly fashion to the shelter.
They always give you at least a ten-minute warning.
Finish the ceremony.
Are you sure about this? About marrying you? Yes.
About the ten minutes I-I'm less than confident.
Let's go.
Um, okay.
[Quickly.]
Uh, we are gathered here today to witness and celebrate the marriage of Louise and Dan.
Better cut to the chase.
Yes, okay.
Uh, right.
Do you, Louise Beth Goldufski, take this man [Glass shatters.]
[Wind howling.]
We have to go! No, we can still get to the "I do's"! Guys, come on! We're holding the cellar door for you! This place is gonna come down! God gave us a shelter! Let's honor Him! Every year, I renew my certificate as a minister to the Universal Life Church! It's mostly a tax break, but I can do marriages! - L-Let's do it! - The abbreviated version! Okay, Dan, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? - Yeah, I do.
- What about this guy? Yeah, sure, it's been going pretty well so far.
Yeah, by the power vested in me by the back pages of "High Times" magazine, I now pronounce you man and wife! Do the thing! - Oh! - Let's get the hell out of here! Oh! JACKIE: Mm, mm! [Slurring.]
I wanna make a toast! ALL: No! Show us your boobs! Hey! Later! [Laughter.]
To Dan and Louise! May they last longer than Ben and Darlene! I thought that was so funny when Becky did that! Yeah, show's over, Shecky.
I just want to say something.
I want to thank all of you for making my life so wonderful.
And thank you, Louise for finding a way to top that.
Aww.
That was beautiful, Dan.
Now show us your boobs! [Laughter.]
Later! And to my hubby! Oh, man, I never thought I would say that.
But now I don't think I'll ever stop.
Ooh.
Thanks for being there for me today.
I have to come up with some better coping skills, for both our sakes.
- You got this.
- Aww.
You know I have my nephew's christening next week.
It'll be kind of a letdown without all the fornicating and destruction of a Conner get-together.
It's what we do.
Since the reception's off, when everyone leaves, can Ben stay and do foreign-movie night? We're gonna watch "Master of the Flying Guillotine," put it on mute, and do our own dialogue so it becomes a rom-com.
They lose their heads in love.
You know, Mark, we might just have to put a pin in foreign-movie night for a while.
That is so unfair.
How about you guys figure out how to be around each other so you don't screw up stuff in my life? I still like Ben, and depending on what you decide, I'll tell you how I feel about you.
I'm just gonna grab a beer.
Mark wants you to stay for movie night.
How do you feel about that? [Laughs.]
I hate it.
Really hard to be in the same room with you right now.
But I shouldn't let that affect your relationship with Mark.
I hope you'll understand if I choose to go out in a tornado rather than sticking around while you're here.
Well, you're a good mom.
Hmm.
Must have killed you to say something nice about me.
Burned my throat like a ghost pepper, but I'll heal.
Mm, be careful out there, will ya? You might want to put some rocks in your pockets, or the wind'll carry you off like a plastic bag.
Thanks for caring.
It's hard to stop even if you want to.
JACKIE: Ben, look at my boobs! BEN: Oh, God! I was dancin' I will always remember you just as you look right now.
Are you going off to war? No.
I mean, you'll never get older in my eyes.
You're always gonna look just like this.
[Smooches.]
I love you, Mr.
Conner.
I love you, Mrs.
Conner.
[Chuckles.]
were dancing My friend stole Um, eventually, they're all gonna move out, right? Let's not spoil the moment.
I remember the night And the Tennessee Waltz