The Exes (2011) s04e04 Episode Script

So what do you think? Look who's here G.
I.
Joke.
What's with the getup? Don't you remember? I volunteer for the dental reserve corps.
How long's your hitch? One Saturday afternoon a month, although next month I have a wedding.
Stuart, don't you think that outfit's a bit much? This outfit happens to be the uniform of captain in the United States army, which I'm required to wear when I work on the soldiers at fort Hamilton.
"Required"? I'd wear that thing all over town.
That's a panty-dropper if ever I saw one.
Yes.
Well, that's where you and I differ, Haskell.
I would never disgrace this uniform by using it for such tawdry and salacious purposes.
Don't worry You keep talking like that, and nobody's panties are going anywhere.
Hey, guy Oh, look at you, officer sexy.
[Chuckles.]
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to the war On gingivitis.
- Hey, Haskell.
- Hey, hey.
So it's Saturday.
You got any big plans for tonight? I certainly do.
There's a hoagie with my name on it bicycling up 3rd Avenue as we speak.
Honey, I know Nicki broke your heart, but you got to get out there and meet other women.
No, thanks.
I've had enough humiliation to last a lifetime.
Haskell, you cannot spend another Saturday night alone on the couch.
I'm not alone.
I'm simply spending time with my favorite person me.
I love my stories.
I get all my jokes.
And if the mood should so strike, let's just say that I have yet to, uh, turn myself down.
We've got to help that poor bastard.
- Who? - Haskell.
Ever since Nicki, it's like he's given up hope.
If we don't do something, he could end up alone for the rest of his life.
[Chuckles.]
That's funny.
That's what we usually say about you.
All right, fine.
We'll take him out to the bar tonight and hook him up with a lady.
All right, and by "we," I mean "you.
" I-I have plans.
Or have you forgotten that I'm getting married in five months? That's right.
How's the husband search coming? Well, ask me later tonight after I've hit all the cop bars and trolled home depot.
But it's not about me.
Haskell's the desperate one.
[Upbeat music.]
Hey, soldier.
Buy a gal a drink? Ah, I would have been such a slut in World War II.
Anyway, how was your first day on the base? It was hell.
The crowns, the cavities, the cleanings They just kept coming, Eden.
They just kept coming.
Anyway, the important thing is, you're out of that hellhole, and you made it home safe.
- God bless you, soldier.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
I couldn't help but overhear.
I'd like to thank you for your service.
Look, I really haven't done anything.
Don't be modest.
I can see the pain and suffering in your face.
I'm Katie.
Ah, I'm Stu Uh, captain Stuart Gardner.
Captain Gardner, could I buy you dinner? It's the least I can do for one of our fighting men.
Well, I suppose I could use some R&R.
All right, Haskell.
This bar is packed with honeys.
I want you to think of it as a lobster tank.
Pick the one you like, and I'll bring her over to your table.
Considering that was demeaning to women, me, and lobsters, I think I'll pass.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can't pass.
As your friend and wingman, we ain't leaving here till you find yourself a lady.
Look, Phil, you don't have to do this.
I know Holly put you up to it.
Holly? She don't tell me what to do.
I'm my own man.
I run my own show.
Why don't I sit over there and we'll tell Holly you hooked me up? Thanks, buddy.
I owe you one.
Uh Hey, baby.
How about I buy the sexiest woman in the bar a drink? Oh, crap.
Hey, did you just "oh, crap" me? No, I'm not the "oh, crap" guy.
I'm the "let's get out of here" guy.
Nothing personal.
I'm just not in the mood.
You're not in the mood for this? Really? Did something happen? Was it a death in the family? Hey, this place is really packed.
Mind if I If I sit down? Knock yourself out.
Wow.
You're reading Papa Hemingway.
Look, I don't mean to be ru Ho hi.
So how far have you gotten in the book? I just finished the part where he's drunk in Paris, and I'm getting to the part where he's drunk in Spain.
Oh, wait till you get to the part - where he's drunk in Cuba.
- Oh.
You know, I'm beginning to think that the true hero of this story is his liver.
[Laughs.]
That's funny.
- Hi.
I'm Dani.
- Haskell Lutz.
That Hemingway guy He knew how to live, huh? I mean, bullfighting, big-game hunting, boxing.
Yeah, he also loved a straight bourbon and a fine cigar.
Who doesn't? Now you've got me in the mood for a cigar.
You know, I know this great cigar club on the West Side.
Wow.
You don't meet too many women who are into stogies.
I'm not your typical woman.
Let's get out of here.
Yes, let's.
Haskell, this place is dead.
Looks like the only person I'm taking home tonight is you.
Sorry.
I'm already taken.
Ready to go, Haskell.
What the hell? You know each other? Yeah, we kind of bumped into each other at the bar.
- Hey, I'm Dani.
- Phil.
Ow.
Wow.
Dani, that that That right there is a grip you got.
I work with my hands.
I'm an electrician.
Shall we? Uh, Dani's taking me to a cigar club.
- A cigar club? - Yeah, look, I'll get us a cab.
Oh, no need, no.
My truck is right outside.
Oh.
Wow.
It looks like Haskell's got himself a hottie.
No, Haskell's got himself a dude.
Good morning.
Haskell, I've done something bad, really, really bad.
I met a woman who thought I was a combat hero, and I slept with her.
Still waiting for the bad part.
Don't you understand? I've brought shame to this uniform.
I have to tell her who I really am.
How cruel can you be? Are you going to tell this woman that she went to bed with a hero and she woke up with a dentist? What should I do? The only noble thing Lie your ass off.
Tell her you're shipping out.
You're right.
You're right.
That way, she'll be left with the memory of having been with a brave soldier.
Hey, hey.
Check it out.
Captain Gardner doing the walk of shame.
Oh, god, look who's proud of me.
Uh, so, Haskell, how'd it go last night with Dani? It was great.
We had Brandy and cigars.
She even likes betting the ponies.
How many women you know like that? None.
That is the great thing about Dani.
I mean, she's a beautiful woman, but she hangs like a guy.
[Knock at door.]
- Holly? - Hey, Phil, what's up? Uh, it's about Haskell.
That's right.
How'd it go last night? Did he meet someone? Uh, he did.
He did.
Uh, but there's a tiny little problem.
What? I think she may have a ding-dong.
What are you talking about? I'm saying Haskell's date may be a guy dressed up as a woman.
Why in the world would you even think something like that? Well, I hit on her last night, and she blew me off.
And the next thing I know, she was leaving with Haskell.
Oh, so, because she turned you down and chose Haskell, she has to be a man.
Exactly.
Oh, please.
Get over your bad self.
Oh, it's not just that.
She's also an electrician, drives a truck, smokes cigars, and she has a handshake that could make a grown man cry Not that I did, but I wanted to.
Sounds to me like someone has a bruised ego and can't handle the fact that she's a strong, independent woman.
With a ding-dong.
Hey, Haskell.
I just had the greatest date of my life.
Dani and I spent the day at coney island, and we walked the boardwalk.
We rode the cyclone.
We played all the carnival games.
Well, that's great.
And so you won that? No, she did.
At the "test your strength" game.
She scored he-man.
You hear that, Holly? He-man.
Wow.
It sounds like you've got yourself quite an unusual woman.
Well, I've never met anyone like her.
I mean, there was a long line outside the ladies' room.
She marched right into the men's like she'd done it a million times.
That takes balls.
Do you hear that, Holly? Balls.
Anyway, thanks for getting me off the couch.
You know, I was pretty broken up about Nicki, but now that I've met Dani, I am over it.
In fact, we're meeting tonight for drinks, and maybe there'll be a little fireworks in the boudoir.
Well, that is how you start a fire - Rub two sticks together.
- Oh! You know, Phil I think you just might be right about her.
Holly, I am.
I am.
I couldn't bear to see him have his heart broken again.
"Heart broken"? Holly, if he finds out Dani's a dude, we'll never get him off the couch.
But what if we're wrong? I mean, we better find out for sure before we say anything.
And how are we supposed to do that? Just walk up to her and say, "hi.
What lovely weather we're having today.
Do you pee standing up?" Smooth.
Well, she's not going to open up to a complete stranger.
Yeah, but who is she going to open up to? I don't know, maybe another guy dressed up as a woman or Someone who could pass for one.
Yeah, but who do we know like that? Who? Who? - Hi, Katie.
- Hello, Captain Gardner.
Call me Stuart.
Listen, about last night, I don't want you to get the wrong idea.
I don't usually spend the night with guys I just met.
But I was so moved by your sacrifice.
Yeah, Katie, listen, there's something - we really need to talk about.
- Mmhmm.
So is this the handsome young captain you've been telling me about? Stuart, I'd like you to meet my dad.
Dad.
Sergeant Bill Drake, sir.
Well, that's not necessary.
You, uh All right, well [Chuckles.]
At ease.
Dad was in the 9th infantry division in Vietnam.
Yeah, did two tours, slogging through the rice fields of the mekong delta, not knowing from one day to the next if it was going to be my last.
You guys have so much in common.
I think he may have had it worse.
Nonsense.
I can still see the terror in your eyes.
Oh, it's there.
Well, it's an honor to have you in my bar, son.
Let me buy you a drink.
- I like him.
- [Chuckles.]
Wow.
That went really well.
He's usually pretty tough on guys I date.
Yeah, uh, listen, Katie, there's really no easy way to say this, so, um I'm shipping out.
Oh, my god.
When? Uh, tomorrow, noon-ish.
- No! - What? - What's going on? - Stuart is being redeployed.
Mmhmm.
Sad but true.
- I should probably get going.
- You're not going anywhere.
What? Boys, we got one going over.
What are you doing? We're going to give you the send-off that you deserve.
No, no, no, no.
I'm you know what? I'm good.
Nonsense.
I've got a bottle of '42 cognac that my father brought back from Normandy, and I've just been waiting for the right time to open it.
No.
No, no.
Don't, please.
A toast To Captain Stuart Gardner.
Here's to the soldier and his arms.
Fall in, men.
Fall in.
Put your trust in god, boys.
Fall in, men.
Fall in.
Hoo-ah! Hoo-righty, then.
Uh, this was lovely.
I should probably get home and pack, and, you know, a lot of laundry and things, so Katie.
I'll wait for you, Stuart.
Give 'em hell, soldier.
And hell I shall give them.
- Dr.
Gardner? - Huh? Hey, thanks for fixing my tooth, man.
That cavity was killing me.
What is he talking about, Stuart? - Yeah, what's he talking about? - Ah, not important.
Oh, don't be so modest.
Once a month, this guy goes over to fort Hamilton and works on our teeth.
Wait a second.
You're not in the army? You're not being deployed? I gave myself to a dentist? Hoo-ah! Hi, Eden.
Honey How many times have I begged you not to put on your makeup drunk? Look, we think the woman Haskell's dating might be a man.
So, while Phil's upstairs stalling him, I'm trying to pass myself off as a man dressed as a woman so I can find out who's who and what's where.
Oh, okay.
Oh, here she is.
It's showtime.
Hi.
Mind if I sit down? Help yourself.
Thanks.
Ooh These heels are killing me.
I don't know how women do it.
Neither do I.
Gosh, your complexion's real smooth.
What's your secret? By 5:00, I end looking like a lumberjack.
Oh, well, you might want to consider waxing or, like, a good concealer, or in your case Both.
- Thanks for the tip.
- Yeah.
Boy, society's really changed, hasn't it? We can be who we are and be proud.
Shout it to the world! Go on, shout it.
Okay, I'll go first.
I'm a man who likes to dress as a woman.
Honey, I got that the minute you walked in.
What? No, no, no.
No, I'm a sexy woman.
Guys dig me, seriously.
My boobs are real.
- Oh.
- You want to touch them? - Oh, I got to go.
- Come on.
I'm serious.
Come on.
Haskell, let's get out of here.
Some lunatic is bothering me.
Well, why don't we have drinks at my place? - I'd like that.
- Yeah.
Make yourself scarce.
I'm about to get lucky.
And tonight others may be involved.
[Knock at door.]
- Ex-squeeze me.
- [Chuckles.]
[Knocking continues.]
Didn't I tell you to make yourself scarce? Ah! Jeez! Hey, I did this for you.
Ah, well, I've gone home with worse.
But I'm sorry.
I'm taken.
Yeah, uh, Haskell, about that, we need to talk to you about Dani.
What about her? Oh, let's see, how do I put this delicately? You can't.
She's a man.
- What are you talking about? - Think about it, Haskell.
Dani, the electrician, drives a truck, smokes cigars, and you said so yourself, she hangs like a guy.
I talked to her.
Trust me, she's hiding something.
So you were the lunatic in the bar? I resent that! I'm just a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman to find out if a woman is a man pretending to be a woman.
- I get it.
- Good.
You two think that if a beautiful woman is interested in me, then she's got to be a guy.
Well, what if she was dating Phil or Stuart? No, but if she's interested in Haskell, well, then there's got to be a catch.
Well, fortunately, I have more confidence in myself than you do.
And I don't intend keeping that woman Yes, woman Waiting any longer.
Sorry for the interruption.
Would you care for some more wine? Actually, I wouldn't mind cracking open a beer.
You're a man.
What? Ah, the evidence was in front of me the whole time.
I didn't want to see it.
You're a dude in a dress, right? Right? Why the hell would you think that? Well, why else would someone so beautiful and fantastic be interested in me? Because I liked you.
Yeah, I thought you were funny and sweet and interesting.
So long, Haskell.
I can't hear anything.
Oh! Wow.
He left in a hurry, huh? No.
She left in a hurry.
Dani was a woman.
Yeah, I guess I could see that.
- Haskell, I'm so sorry.
- I'm sorry too, buddy.
You know It's okay.
Your hearts were in the right place.
You were just trying to do what was right for me, - and I appreciate that.
- Really? No! You ruined my life! It wasn't my fault! Phil started it! - Wha - Yeah.
It's true.
Yeah.
See, he hit on Dani, and then she blew him off, and then when she chose you, he couldn't handle it.
It ate him alive.
So he had to turn Dani into a man, and I bought into it, because I care.
- Get out.
- So so we're good, right? Go.
Try to do something nice for someone.
So all this started because you couldn't handle that a beautiful woman chose me over you.
Yeah, I guess so.
Wait a second.
A beautiful woman chose me - over you.
- Yeah.
She chose me over you.
Yeah, Haskell, and it hurts, okay? It hurts! Look, buddy, you got to get off the couch and get back out there, all right? I'm going to find you a lady.
Oh my God.
Now I'm the "find you a lady" guy?! Look, uh, the first lesson is that whiny tone is a real turn off.
You'll be okay, just stick close and observe the master.