The Good Place (2016) s04e04 Episode Script

1 - 30 seconds left.
- Come on.
Oh, oh, it's a butterfly! Oh, it's Mariah Carey's lower back butterfly tattoo.
- Yes! - [ALL CLAP AND LAUGH.]
Well done, John.
And because you guessed correctly, watch what happens.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! I should've gotten that sooner.
I wrote my college thesis on that back tattoo.
Yes, because remember, every picture from tonight will have something to do with your lives on Earth, so you can get to know each other a little bit better.
Okay, Blue Team, you're up.
Go get 'em, chippy.
Chidi, it's your turn.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm a pretty decent artist, but I'm not so great under pressure.
Your time begins now.
Ooh, boy.
Okay.
- You got this, Chidi.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to figure out how to start.
Come on.
Just start drawing, my brotha.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
No.
- 30 seconds! - Ah! Okay, here we go.
Uh oh.
Uh, it's a submarine.
Looks like broccoli with teeth.
Oh, oh, it's a horse with a bow on its neck.
Oh, is it my childhood pony, Daisy? - Yes! - [ALL CHEERING.]
- Oh, no.
- [PONY NEIGHS.]
No! [ROARS.]
[ALL SHOUTING, GLASS SHATTERS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
What have I done? You made a freakin' Frankenstein, man.
Okay, okay, okay.
You know what? Magic Pictionary is over now, so let's all go home and get some sleep.
You guys want me to kill it? I've shot a lot of race horses.
- [DISTORTED NEIGH.]
- Okay.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
[SERENE MUSIC.]
Fork me.
That was a disaster.
How did that go so wrong? Well, for one thing, Brent got super wasted.
We should've cut him off.
Nobody gets cut off in the Good Place.
If he asks for beer, I give him a beer.
I'm just glad he stopped asking me to go to dinner so we could discuss my career.
Man, we haven't done a successful activity in, like, three weeks.
We're ice cold.
Guys, give yourself a break.
They're getting better.
Brent stopped saying "daddy like" all the time.
That's something.
Something feels off.
All right, we need new ideas.
I say we hole up here for an all-night - brainstorming session.
- Now just hang on.
We're working really hard, and we need to relax occasionally, or we're gonna just burn out.
So let's just, you know, clear our brain, watch a movie, or oh! We'll have a slumber party.
- - [SCREEN BEEPING.]
What the fork? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Whoever you are, show yourself.
Oh.
Hold on.
The hood is caught in my glasses.
Hi.
I'm Glenn from the Bad Place.
What are you doing here? Yeah, what do you want, creep? No one knows I'm here, and I have some important information.
Eleanor, I need to speak with you alone.
Whatever you need to say to me, you can say right here.
I don't think I should.
It would lead to a very uncomfortable social situation.
Say it.
That's not Michael.
That's Vicky the Demon in a Michael suit.
And she's sabotaging your experiment.
You see? It's uncomfortable.
All right, just sit there quietly until we sort all this out.
If it's not too much trouble, could I get a hot glass of pig urine? We need to talk.
Or I'm not picky.
Whatever urine you have is fine.
Eleanor, you have to believe me.
I'm Michael.
He's lying.
Calm down, dude.
I trust you.
But I'm gonna make Glenn think I don't trust you.
Somehow this has to be related to the problems we've been having here.
And we need to figure out what game they're playing.
Ooh, that's good.
I like the way you think, Shellstrop.
I mean, I hate the way you think, Shellstrop! Is he buying it? He's not looking.
I'll tell you whatever you want to know, but shouldn't we call The Judge? We're not calling anyone until we figure some things out.
- We have questions.
- Yeah, for example, if you're a devil, how come you're not wearing Prada? [GASPS.]
Caramel! Why would you help us? One day, you're flattening penises, and the next, you just decide to defect? Actually, one of my jobs was to reinflate the penises so they could get flattened again.
It doesn't matter.
Listen, I loved torturing humans because I thought they deserved it.
They said everyone in the Bad Place was evil and beyond repair.
I don't know if I believe that anymore.
Also, Shawn is so mean, you guys.
He yells at me all the time.
It's, like, unnecessary.
I feel you, dog.
I was yelled at my whole life.
People were always like, "You didn't pay for that!" "How do you plead?" "He's flatlining!" "Clear!" Okay, well, if that's Vicky, what's the Bad Place's plan? To sow chaos turn you guys against each other, ruin the experiment.
Also, I have proof that's not Michael.
Here are pictures of Vicky wearing the Michael suit.
This doesn't prove anything.
These could just be pictures - of the real Michael.
- They're real.
I know because I helped make the suit.
I couldn't figure out how to make it contain your demon essence, so you'll have to wear it over the Vicky suit.
Ugh, really? You're the worst, Glenn.
Let's do it.
Zip her up.
Okay, but if I melt, I am gonna be, like, so annoyed.
Huh.
Pretty well-made.
I can really feel all the musty skin folds, and and the dangly bits.
The voice is perfect.
You sound so much like him, I want to punch you.
Are we sure it's okay that we made this? I mean, what are you gonna use it for? What are you gonna use it shut up, Glenn.
The experiment is about to begin.
Let's call the real Michael and send him spiraling down the toilet bowl like the pinched turd he is.
Well, now, we know you're lying because Michael would've definitely told us if the Bad Place had called him and showed him some freakin' Michael suit.
Absolutely.
Of course I would've.
I mean, Janet would have phone records.
You could just ask her to pull them up.
Okay, fine.
I lied.
- They called me.
- What? I lied about that.
And I'm sorry.
You knew about this? Yes, yes, but there's there's a good explanation.
Yeah, the explanation is that's Vicky, and she's lying to you about everything.
Call The Judge and we'll settle this once and for all.
Or is that exactly what you wanted us to do? That is what I want you to do.
Exactly.
Eleanor, perhaps we should call The Judge.
Glenn was telling the truth.
No, The Judge said if anything else went wrong, she would reset the whole experiment.
We are not calling her unless we have no other choice, and I am locking you two jamokes in separate rooms until we get to the bottom of this.
Ugh! I'm very upset about this development.
I'm serious, man.
This is happening.
Oh.
I'm very upset about this development.
All right, buttheads, what do we do? I say we trust Michael.
He's our friend.
Wait, might be our friend, or he might be a lying trickster who just looks like our friend the classic Mary-Kate Olsen.
I have to say, we've had a lot of misfires recently, and Michael has been acting suspiciously.
Like tonight, when I wanted to work, and he just wanted to have a slumber party instead? To be fair to Mike, slumber parties rule.
And why would we trust Glenn? - He's a demon.
- So is Michael.
- Demons can be good.
- Right.
Okay.
So it's decided.
We trust both of them.
Okay.
Predictably, this was unhelpful.
[QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Get in there.
What is all this stuff? - Are these weapons? - [SOFT BEEP.]
Ooh, don't touch those.
[CHUCKLES.]
Those are my special magnet handcuffs.
They make me feel silly when Mindy and I are playing Upstairs-downstairs Derek.
Oh, they're sex toys.
Ugh, they're sex toys.
Dude, get out of here.
We have enough problems.
[SIGHS.]
My good man, allow me to bury the hatchet.
Being rebooted again has evolved me past any feelings of jealousy.
- [CHIMES JINGLING.]
- Oh, I know that sound.
Looks like someone found my sex diaper.
I'll leave you guys alone to live that dipe life.
- Ugh.
- Eugh! Okay, explain yourself if yourself even is yourself.
I am Michael.
Shawn did call me, and I saw the Michael suit.
He said if the experiment failed, he was gonna use it to make you think I was torturing you.
Why didn't you tell us? Because he said he would just erase your memories of me telling you, so it wouldn't matter anyway.
He thought that I would crumble under the pressure.
But a month ago, you told me you only pretended to freak out in order to get me to step up and become a leader.
Yes, that also was a lie, but it was an inspirational one.
Like, "So great running into you.
We should get coffee some time," or all of Instagram.
So to recap, you found out the Bad Place made a Michael suit, freaked out, didn't tell us why, and then later, you lied to me about why you freaked out? And then you lied again just a few minutes ago when you said that you never got a call from Shawn.
Yes, but that lie was only to cover my two earlier lies.
I mean, that's gotta be okay, right? What? Eleanor, don't you see what they're doing? Shawn sent Glenn to undermine our trust in each other so you'll call The Judge and restart the experiment.
Well, I have no reason not to believe you, other than the three very recent examples we just laid out.
Huddle.
Now.
- [DOOR SLAMS.]
- [SOFT BEEP.]
Oh, hey, sorry.
I just needed to grab this.
You know, it's chime time.
[SOFT BEEP.]
There's gotta be a way to figure out if that's the real Michael.
Is there a way you can make some sort of demon lie detector? Oof.
I don't know.
The Janet babies are still draining me, and I just had to put down Daisy the horse blob, which was exhausting emotionally and physically.
She fought back.
I won't get into details.
I had to twist her head off.
Sorry.
No more details.
She did thrash.
She thrashed.
- Sorry.
- Okay, why don't we just get him drunk so he starts blabbing? I mean, what goes best with pig urine? - Coconut rum.
- That won't work on a demon.
I'll try and make a lie detector.
Oh, no.
Damn it.
What's going on in there? I touched the dang diaper.
Get back in that room.
So Michael saw the suit.
Big deal.
I still think you're forking with us.
I think this is just like when the Bad Place sent us Linda, who turned out to be some super-jacked punching guy, and just like him, you got busted.
That's the thing.
The puncher didn't get busted.
It worked exactly as planned.
The whole thing was a diversion to get real Michael out, and sneak the imposter in on a train.
It must've happened during the handoff.
While Janet was handcuffing Chris, a bunch of demons must've grabbed Michael, yanked him away, and then Vicky, in the Michael suit, walked back out.
You never would've known the difference.
Also, when Chris got back, I saw Shawn and him celebrating.
Why would they be happy if he wasn't supposed to get caught? Man, I love a good sabotage.
Or is that exactly what you want us to think? Motherforker.
I knew there was something weird about that puncher.
I said that to Michael and he dismissed it.
Yeah.
See what I mean? Don't go anywhere.
Come on.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
If Michael is just Vicky in a Michael suit, let's just take the suit off.
Yeah.
Maybe we could sneak up behind him, and try and pants him from forehead.
That won't work.
A demon can take his own skin suit off, but no one else can.
It's like a very complicated bra.
Well, so be it.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Take off your skin suit.
- I can't.
- Sure, you can.
You're either a demon wearing a Michael suit, or you're a demon wearing a Vicky suit who's wearing a Michael suit over that.
Just take off your Michael suit, and show us what you're working with.
I'm sorry.
I won't.
- That's very suspicious.
- I know, but I'm not Vicky.
I just don't want to show you what's underneath here.
I've seen a lot of weird hogs in my life, dude.
- Get over yourself.
- That's not it.
I'm a fire squid.
Dope.
No.
Not dope.
I'm a 6,000-foot tall fire squid.
I have tentacles.
There's teeth everywhere.
I'm on fire, and my neck is long.
And there's a smell, and lots of juice.
There's so much juice, El.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say I really have to see this.
So you're not gonna take off your demon Spanx because you're shy? Well, that's convenient.
Eleanor, if I take off this suit, I will crash through the roof and the entire Neighborhood will see me and the experiment will be blown.
But it's more than that.
You guys will never look at me the same way again.
I won't just be Michael.
I'll be some disgusting mass of burning tentacles.
Do you really want to be friends with something like that? Yes.
I keep saying.
Eleanor.
Now I don't know if this will work, but theoretically, if you point it at a demon and he's lying, it'll turn red.
If he's telling the truth, it'll turn green.
Okay.
Glenn.
This is a lie detector.
Let us show you how it works.
- [DEVICE WHIRRS.]
- What's your name? Well, everyone calls me Glenn, but the name on my demon certificate is actually Snakes Pour Forth From His Anu - [SHRIEKS.]
- [GROANS.]
Glenn blew up.
Glenn blew up.
Or is that exactly what he wants us to think? So does blowing up mean he was telling the truth or lying? Neither.
That was not supposed to happen.
I've never killed anybody before.
No, don't worry.
Demons can't die.
He'll slowly reform himself over a few months, passing through all the stages of demon growth larva, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenage boy, giant ball of tongues, social media CEO, and then finally demon, so Look at the bright side.
This worked out perfectly.
I mean, not for Glenn, obviously, but for us.
Lying demon's gone.
We're still here.
All good.
No.
We're not all good, man.
You're either Michael and you lied, or you're Vicky in a Michael suit.
Okay, I'm gonna go for a walk.
Nobody go anywhere.
[MELLOW MUSIC.]
- Chidi? - Hey.
Hey, I didn't think anyone would still be up.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, I'm just practicing drawing viable horses ones that aren't crimes, you know, against nature.
Okay, I know this mood of yours from reading your file and whatnot.
Why don't you take a break, and we'll get some food in you? Well, I'm done.
I scooped it all up into one steaming pile of Glenn.
Maybe I can put him back together.
I'm hella good at puzzles.
I finished this word search in, like, 30 seconds.
Jason, I feel terrible.
I know he was a demon and he may have lied to us, but he didn't deserve that.
You were only trying to help us.
Look, I know this is a weird time, but if you ever want to talk, just know that I'm here for you, girl.
Thanks, Jason.
That means a lot.
[TENDER MUSIC.]
Mmm.
I gotta say.
Out of all the human stuff I've been able to experience in this neighborhood, nachos number one.
- Easy.
- Really? Yeah.
I mean, salty, crunchy, cheesy, little bit of a kick? Name one better thing humans have created.
The Sistine Chapel? Pfft.
Paint on a ceiling.
I mean, it's fine, but can you eat it at the movies? Touché.
Listen, don't stay up all night drawing horses.
It's really fine.
I know.
I just feel like I made the world a little bit worse, and I won't be okay until I make it better again.
Making yourself miserable to ease the suffering of others about the most Chidi thing you can do.
I'll see you later.
Do you want to take the rest of the those nachos? Yeah, I do.
Thank you.
Okay, here's where I'm at.
I just don't know if I can ever trust you.
I'm gonna call The Judge.
We'll start over.
We won't have Chidi in the mix, but he'll be on our side again, which is almost as good.
But we know the humans now.
Starting over sounds exhausting.
I know, but if that's not Michael, he could sabotage us in ways we can't even perceive, and even if it is, I can't fully trust him, so every time something goes wrong, a little part of me is gonna wonder.
We have to start over.
I have a better idea.
I'm gonna blow myself up.
- ALL: What? - I'll blow myself up.
That way, you can continue the experiment with Chidi as one of the people, which is our best chance to ever be successful.
Why not just lock you in a room or in Janet's void or something? But then you might worry that I'd escape.
I blow myself up, I'm out of your hair for good.
Well, parts of me will be in your actual hair, - but you get it.
- Michael, wait.
Tahani, this is the only way.
There's literally noting I can say that will make you realize that I'm really me.
Oh, boy.
This is gonna suck.
Hopefully, I will see you all in a few months.
Good luck.
Oh, and make sure that you, uh, get all of me into the container, or I might come back way shorter.
And that would bum me out.
[DEVICE WHIRRS.]
I wish I were saying this in different circumstances but Take it sleazy.
Michael, wait! [HANDCUFFS WHIRR.]
Oh, crud nuts.
Jason, how did you know that was bad Janet? Michael said there's nothing he could say that would make you realize he's really him, but Janet does have a thing she can say that does make me realize she is really not her.
What? I called Janet "girl," but she didn't say, "Not a girl.
" The real Janet always says, "Not a girl.
" [LAUGHING.]
Oh, wow.
That realization is the only thing that stopped me from becoming a pile of goo.
- Oh.
- [DEVICE CLATTERS.]
Wait, how did you pull it off? You were outside on the platform with me the whole time.
We brought two bad Janets on the train, you dumb, dumb idiot.
The other one distracted you on the platform while good Janet brought Chris onto the train.
I snuck out, marbelized Janet, and then I took over, baby.
Stupid Michael never knew.
I had you fartknockers fooled for weeks, until Glenn the traitor ruined everything.
- That guy sucks, right? - [GOO BUBBLES.]
Shut up, Glenn.
- [GOO BUBBLES.]
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Bad Janets can't impersonate Good Janets.
I've seen them try.
Their heads melt, so Oh.
Oh, you're so smart, sir.
Well, listen, here's the thing.
Shawn rebooted me, like, 40 million tines.
Wait, tine-him-is.
Time-ses.
These things rule.
Oh, dip.
This means Janet didn't dump me.
Her weird sister did.
Everything makes so much more sense.
All of Janet's ideas were so counterproductive.
She brought the horse monster to life.
She forced me to antagonize John.
She got us to doubt Eleanor's leadership skills.
Oh, I was just about to launch an idea where Tahani was gonna give herself an asymmetrical haircut.
You monster.
Thank you! Guys, we still have a problem here.
You still don't have evidence that I'm actually me.
Sure, we do.
You offered to sacrifice yourself to help a bunch of cockroaches.
That's about the most Michael thing you could do.
Then where's real Janet? [LAUGHING.]
Oh, she's in the Bad Place.
She's probably wiping her butt with her own butt.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't bear the idea of poor Janet down there all alone.
[SIGHS.]
What should we do? I know what to do.
It's like what that guy who blew up said.
Shawn's a bully, and sometimes, the only thing a bully understands is punch in the mouth.
I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna punch him in the mouth, and I'm gonna get Janet back! Oh, sounds like somebody has a plan.
Dope.
Where is he? - What's the plan? - It's okay.
- - [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
You sure you can hold down the fort? Not at all.
You sure you can do your thing? Nope.
We'll just try our best.
Right? Okay, let's go get our girl.
Not a girl.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]