The IT Crowd s04e04 Episode Script

1 I'm sorry guys, I wish I could've come here with a better news.
But, according to these projections Reynholm Industries is in a critical position.
We took a major downturn last year.
Like the rest of the economy.
And as a result, we have estimated losses at well over £400 million.
Before we go on, Linda.
Do you need to go to the toilet? No.
Then why are you doing a wee-wee walk? It's incredibly odd and distracting.
- Maybe it's just me? - No, it's is not just you Douglas.
I'm also finding it very distracting.
Sorry, Linda.
Don't worry about it, Jen.
It is not a wee-wee walk.
I'm actually doing around the world virtual triathlon for charity, using an iPhone application and Google Maps.
Look, I'm in Spain.
God, that's hugely impressive.
- Haven't you just had a baby? - So they tell me.
Ah, for God's sake.
Sorry, did that sound like words? Now, do go on.
And congratulation on getting an iPhone.
I say, we get in Silvio Bernatelli.
Bernatelli? The most successful businessman of the year.
Why, a word from him can make or break a business.
Look, Reynholm Industries is in a tough spot.
But with Bernatelli as an investor? I think we can come out on top.
This is very convincing, Linda.
Damn good job.
Damn good bloody good damn good job.
You're the best woman here.
You, are an excellent woman.
Linda! Bloody Linda.
I'm so good at business things Reynholm Industries.
God, do you have any idea how annoying this woman is? I have an inkling.
I just had a eureka moment.
Why do I keep my phone in my trousers pocket? It's too far but look at this Top pocket.
Yeah? Not as far Yeah? Look at that.
See how smooth that is Oh, mama! Do you see that? You wish you saw that.
- Sorry, did I interrupt - No.
She had a baby like yesterday, and she's already invading Spain.
Linda just had a baby? Wow, well you never know What? Too much information.
What? That she had a baby? Come on.
Moss, it's a natural part of life.
It's not a natural part of my life and I aim to keep it that way.
You should be okay.
What's that jacket for? It's not for anything, it was a present.
Julia got it for me.
How is Julia the orphan? - Don't call her that.
- Why? That's the first thing you told us about her.
I totally think of her as Julia the orphan.
Well, get out of the habit of it.
What if it slips out when you meet her in person? I'm hardly like to say "Hello, Judy the Orphan", am I? I totally would say that to her.
- Yeah, I know you would.
- But she still an orphan, right? Yes! Her parents haven't come back to life.
Have you find out the story of what happened to them? No, she doesn't really like talking about it.
Why are you not super curious? I know I would be.
Yeah, you know, it's none of my business.
Maybe they're not really dead.
Maybe she doesn't know what the word orphan means.
Maybe she thinks it just means house-proud.
I'm leaving now.
- Roy? - Yeah? What's that jacket for? It's not for anything.
Will you be wearing that all the time now? Yeah, maybe.
In fact, Julia thinks I can pull it off.
- You don't like it? - It's the worst thing ever.
You look like a tall girl.
Maybe a little feminine.
I can understand why you wouldn't like it then.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh come on.
This Linda business we got this, six or seven times a week.
It's always the same, it's never about a man.
You're just one of those woman You're one of those woman, who don't like women.
Burn it.
You should burn the jacket.
And all these for Sports Relief.
We all have to do our bit.
First you made me want to go to the toilet and now you make me want to be a better person.
A bit of news on the Bernatelli front, by the way, Douglas.
His translator is sick.
So we'll have to hire one.
I could translate if you want.
Can you speak Italian, Jen? Very impressive.
Not before I flush the toilet.
Thank you very much.
Beautiful and delicate young lady.
- With such butch hands.
- Oi I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
You got lovely hands.
And that's a lovely ring.
I haven't noticed that before.
That was my mom's.
Oh, I'm sorry, Julia.
I didn't mean I know you don't like talking about all that stuff.
- No, I'm sorry, Roy.
- Yeah.
I should just tell you the whole story, because you gonna have to know sooner or later.
If you don't mind, I'd like to get it all out now.
Just as long as we never talk about it again.
There was a fire.
A fire? Oh, God.
It's awful.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
We were on holiday.
We went to a Sea Parks.
- You know, Sea Parks like the Sea World.
- Yeah, sure Sea Parks.
It was during a sea lion show.
A fire during a sea lion show at Sea Parks.
The flame surrounded us so quickly, and we couldn't We couldn't - Oh, are you okay? - I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Just promise me, we'll never talk about it again.
Sure, sure.
Of course - But, how the - I don't want to talk about it! You don't speak Italian? No.
Why did you say you did? No one was paying any attention to me.
So what did you actually say at the meeting? I don't know.
Very impressive.
He wants me to do a conference call with him.
- What am I gonna do? - All these lies, Jen.
This is exactly what happened with the Iraq war.
It's not that much of a lie, Moss, because I have always wanted to speak Italian and I can sound like I'm speaking Italian, so it's more or less the same thing.
Yeah, except to Italians.
Or people who can understand Italian.
Exactly.
Oh, God.
I'm just gonna blue-sky this.
Would it be of any help, whatsoever if I were to install a voice activated translation program on your laptop? No, stupid idea! Stupid idea.
No, no, no, no.
Voice activated? Does that mean someone would speak and the translation would appear on the computer screen? Actually, now that you put it like that that could work.
Well done.
Good idea, Jen.
Thank you? The jacket! He's still wearing the jacket.
Are you alright, Roy? Is it the jacket? Because, it should be.
- No.
It's, um - What? Julia told me the story.
So, what happened? Her parents died in a fire.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, that's horrible.
Yeah, yeah, it was a fire.
At Sea Parks.
- Sea Parks? - Yeah.
- With the - With the whales and everything, yeah Well, okay.
- Sea Parks? - Yeah.
- A fire? - That's right.
At a sea lion show, apparently.
Aren't those shows usually out in the open? Well, yeah, I mean that's what I would've - Yeah.
- Lots of water everywhere.
Yeah, I mean, I would imagine the whales need a lot of water.
I don't think you can have whales in a place where there isn't a huge amount of water.
It just seems like a weird place to go on fire.
It's a very weird place to go on fire.
A fire? At a Sea Parks? It's the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
Well, maybe Maybe if there were plastic seats.
- Maybe they could go on - They don't have plastic seats at Sea Park.
How do you know? Roy, when I was on holiday, I lived at Sea Parks.
It's the funnest, wettest, most splish-splashy, place in the world.
Okay, did you go and see the sea lion show? Three times a day, for two weeks.
- And did they have plastic - No, it's all stone steps.
They won't went on fire.
I've check Wikipedia, there is no mention of a fire at any Sea Parks.
Do you think maybe she's lying? No, I mean, why would she lie? And if she was going to lie, why would she use this one? A fire at a Sea Parks.
It's wrecking my head.
I mean, if she had said that her parents are drowned, I'd be the happiest man in the world.
But, a fire? At a Sea Parks? Well, it's just It's just oh It opens up a lot of questions.
- Maybe, you could ask her? - No, no, no, no.
We can never talk about it again.
- Well, maybe you could just - No, no, no, no, no.
We can never talk about it for the rest of our lives.
Well, then, I suppose you're just going to have to try and stop thinking about it.
That's another great idea.
You're on fire.
If you pardon the expression.
I would be very happy to come and have a look.
Next week, is good for me.
We're certainly looking forward to your visit.
And can't wait to give you the full Reynholm Industries experience.
He says he's looking forward to meeting me.
Ciao.
Maybe, you're the best woman.
Twelve exits.
There are twelve exits.
What are you doing? - What? - What are you doing on the computer? Masturbating.
Isn't it Bernatelli today? Shouldn't you be preparing? No, I think I'm okay, Moss.
I've learned a few conversational basics and when he gets going, I'll just fire up this baby.
I do wanna feel refreshed though, at the meeting, so I'm gonna go to sleep for a few hours.
Is that what you're having for lunch? A big pile of mashed potato.
I fancy it.
It's a Sea Parks, isn't it? You're building a Sea Parks out of mashed potato.
There are twelve exits, Moss.
Twelve exits! For only 200 people.
You don't close encounters crazy, Roy.
- You need to let it go.
- To have killed anyone the fire has to start, here, here, and here.
And close in like this.
But, how is it spreading? There is no wood in a Sea Parks arena.
And why is there no wood? Because it rots.
And why does it rot? Because of all the water Damn, that mash looks tasty.
Password? It didn't ask for a password before Moss? Where's Moss? It's payday, he's probably gone to Namco.
Where's Namco? Flip! It's an iPhone! There's a flipping iPhone in the play machine.
I'm out of coin.
Moss! Moss.
What am I gonna do What are you How did you get in there? Through the hole.
Why? There's an iPhone, Jen.
An actual iPhone.
I need your password, I need the password for the translation program.
Help me get the iPhone first.
- I can't move my arms.
- No.
I need to get it through the shoots, someone else will take it if you don't.
I'm sure they're not giving it away, the engineer must've dropped it.
No, no, no, it's the price.
It's the price, you got to help me.
- I don't have time.
- But, it's an iPhone, Jen.
I may be able to get an iPhone without giving any money to Apple.
I'll be living the dream.
What's the password? Moss, the password.
Moss! Moss! Oh, I'm so excited about the sea lion show.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Luigi Joe and, Slippery Pete.
Oh, no.
What's all this smoke? What smoke? Oh, yeah, smoke Where is it? They must be blocking it.
I'll try to move to clear the passage.
Come on, Moss.
Come on, Moss.
You can do it.
Push! Come on, Moss.
Keep breathing.
- Push! - Shut up! You can do it, Moss.
- I hate you! - Why are saying that? I don't know! Stop talking! Come on, Moss.
Come on.
That's it.
It's coming I can see, I can see the start button! Come on, Moss, push.
One, two, three Push! Come on, Moss.
Push! Push! It's beautiful.
Password! Where the hell have you been? Sorry, it's just It doesn't matter.
So far, he's satisfied with Jen.
We laughed it.
Mr.
Bernatelli, meet Jen.
Leave that laptop outside.
- No.
What? - We have to think about security, Jen.
How do we know that laptop, isn't somehow able to connect to the internet? - No, no.
It is a - Then get it out of here! Look, look at this, look how long it takes to go on fire.
And this is made of matches.
First of all, I like to extend the warmest welcome to Mr.
Bernatelli.
And how today, is the beginning of a long and fruitful partnership.
He says, "It's a pleasure to be here.
" I see, so If the fire started here, and they were there, then there's no way they could've escaped.
So, they must have been there.
I should stop it.
Aw, my hands! I have always wanted to visit England.
I'm looking forward to something.
Some of your famous English food.
Well, I'm sure that can be arranged.
- So, what do you wanna talk about? - Now you listen to me, Bernatelli.
I hope by the end of this meeting we could become firm friends.
I like you, and I like what you've done with your company.
Hopefully, we can join forces, and plow away through these uncertain times.
What do you say? Bernatelli and Reynholm Industries.
Together we'll be bigger than ever.
Hey, I'm gonna stand up, and start talking slightly louder.
Do you like my suit or not? The woman to my left, smells likes she's been for a run.
This meeting is going better than you might think.
I love what you have done with this office.
Can I borrow some of your erotic art? For how long? On second thoughts, I'm gonna go.
Never contact me again, because I'm mental.
Well, that was a waste of time.
Next time you have a bright idea, Linda, keep it to yourself.
- But - And for God's sake, get a shower.
- Oh, my god, Roy.
- Hiya Oh, my God, you poor thing.
Your hands How did it happen? It's kind of hard to explain.
- But, what - I don't wanna talk about it.
Moss! Hello Hello Starting to get pretty lonely now.
These toys may smell of wee.
Count them all.