The Kardashians (2022) s04e04 Episode Script

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
KIM KARDASHIAN: Previously on
The Kardashians
Hi, Milan!
Crazy feeling being in the Dolce store.
Hey, did you have fun with Tristan?
What'd you guys do?
KIM: He didn't tell me he was
taking you shopping.
(DRAMATIC STING)
All my kids hang up on me.
We gotta get your back better.
Do you want me to
introduce you to Dr. Pat?
- He's amazing.
- SCOTT DISICK: Yes.
Dr. Pat, meet the infamous Scott Disick.
I go by Lord.
You're so young.
You can't live like this.
KHLOÉ KARDASHIAN: What does that mean?
I can't wait to be in my 40s.
- 30s have been a (BLEEP) disaster.
- (DR. PAT LAUGHS)
What happened at the hospital today?
Amari has the most
severest type of epilepsy.
He has the worst type
of seizures you can have.
- Yeah.
- KRIS JENNER: Poor baby.
- TRISTAN THOMPSON: Kids are growin' fast.
- Yeah.
Lovin' the carpool in the morning.
KRIS: The most important
thing right now is
raising those kids.
And I worry that Khloé,
with this change of Tristan moving out,
there is gonna be a void there.
(DRAMATIC, ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
("UPSIDE DOWN" BY DISTANCE PLAYING)
Now you want my company ♪
What if we, like, had a crazy handshake,
- and then we were, like
- We could.
'Kay, let's make it up.
- Twinkle, twinkle.
- Like, scissors?
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- No, we can't scissor, scissor.
Three, threesome. And then we can go.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- And that's it.
- Okay, okay, okay.
BOTH: Twinkle, twinkle. Snap, snap.
KIM: Kylie is my twin flame forever.
She's definitely, obviously,
like, matured so much,
having babies and growing up,
but, like, I haven't seen that,
like, silly Kylie in a while.
She's back to, like, Tumblr Kylie.
You guys know Tumblr Kylie.
How was Milan?
- So good.
- Good.
It was a quick trip, but it's always fun.
I just got back from Milan,
and I thought a lot about
Kourtney when I was there.
Kourtney messaged me.
And I wish I could share these
experiences with her.
I just, like, got in and out,
got my work done, it was so cute.
I like when you wear those
l ki-kinda looks too.
(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)
(STORMI GRUNTS)
KIM: Oh!
You're really a cute girl.
You know what I heard?
I heard that the Tooth Fairy
is really close to coming
- KYLIE JENNER: Mm-hmm.
- if we have glitter on our feet.
So, let me check and see if my feet
Is the Tooth Fairy gonna come?
- (KYLIE LAUGHS)
- KIM: No.
She has a little black stuff on her feet.
- (KYLIE GASPS)
- KIM: Oh, I do?
(KIM GASPS)
Check out your feet!
You have glitter on your feet!
(GASPS) That's good luck, Stormi!
The Tooth Fairy's gonna come really soon.
How did I know?
- Lucky girl.
- (STORMI GIGGLES)
- I saw glitter on her feet, so
- I know, obviously.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Um, so I'm gonna take Saint
and four of his friends on a soccer tour.
We're gonna go to London first to go
to a Arsenal game,
and then we're gonna go to Paris
to see the Paris Saint-Germain game.
Kendall will be there.
- Fun.
- It'll just be so much fun.
My son, Saint, has had
a newfound obsession, love for soccer.
So, I decide I wanna plan this, like,
legendary trip of a lifetime.
I'm not a sports girl.
It's so fun
- Really?
- to be, like, a sports mom, yeah.
Yeah, you gotta, like,
help me when Aire grows up a little bit
- Yeah.
- cause I'm, like,
I don't know what to do.
- I'm into it now.
- 'Kay.
KIM: I love my girls, but a girls, like,
steals your clothes,
has an attitude, you know.
There's nothing like being a boy mom.
Like, seriously, it's the best.
I gotta check out this house
and see the hoarding vibes.
I don't have a hoarding problem.
You're just a minimalist.
- Yeah.
- And you don't have anything
- in your house.
- I do.
As far as, like, her having, like,
one couch in her living room,
like, that's not me, you know?
Her house, like, echoes
'cause there's just no furniture,
and I'm, like, not down for that at all.
Come to my house,
and we're gonna do
an organizing day, okay?
Absolutely.
I have to go.
BOTH: Twinkle, twinkle. Snap, snap.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- That's good. It just feels right.
- Okay. Okay, bye.
Bye.
See you later.
("BANG!" BY AJR FT. HAYLEY KIYOKO PLAYING)
And the rumpus and ruckus
are comfortable now ♪
Been a hell of a ride ♪
But I'm thinkin' it's time to grow ♪
Bang! Bang! Bang! ♪
Here we go ♪
So put your best face ♪
On everybody ♪
Pretend you know this song everybody ♪
Come hang ♪
Let's go out with a bang! ♪
Bang! Bang! Bang! ♪
- Here we go ♪
- Bang! Bang! ♪
KHLOÉ: Scott?
Hi.
KRIS: My God.
Wow, that's some color.
- Oh. Mwah.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- This is such a cute outfit.
Khloé and I are
checking in on Scott today,
because I think his back
has got him really down.
- I like suits on ya.
- Well Thank you.
- She only wears (BLEEP) suits.
- SCOTT: Well, not always.
Sometimes she wears, like,
those hoochie dresses and shit.
- When?
- SCOTT: What do you mean?
- When she's in the club.
- I'm right here.
- KHLOÉ: She wears a suit all the time.
- I love that.
Wait, so you're movin'
around a little bit better.
- How's your back?
- It still hurts pretty bad.
I mean, I still think
I have to get surgery
- 'cause I saw the other doctor.
- Wow.
- So do you even do physical therapy?
- End of the day.
- But it doesn't help, like
- KHLOÉ: Oh.
So, what's happening?
Are you dating anybody?
Oh, my God. That's so subtle. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I'm dying to know.
It's the question everybody wants to know.
- SCOTT: Really?
- Yes, it is.
I've been too focused on,
like, the kids and me.
KHLOÉ: Are you ever lonely?
- Yeah, all the time.
- KHLOÉ: Aw.
I guess. I can't live
with just having my kids.
- I mean, they can't be my only
- I can.
- SCOTT: Okay, then I can too.
- I can.
- I could.
- Mom, you've never been alone.
- SCOTT: Ever.
- Ever.
Literally, since you've been
out of MJ's (BLEEP) vagina,
- you've never been alone.
- SCOTT: It is true.
- So, calm down.
- Okay.
Listen, I cannot help it that I'm popular.
It's just something,
ya know, I was born with.
But wait, Scott, do you
go anywhere to meet anybody?
- Where are you going at night?
- Like, strip clubs?
- (KHLOÉ LAUGHS)
- You're No, not strip clubs.
- If you had the opportunity
- SCOTT: Mm-hmm.
to meet the perfect girl,
what does that look like on paper?
- Oh.
- Like
- You know, how tall are you?
- (CHUCKLES)
This guy.
(LAUGHS) Hey!
KRIS: I think Scott probably
has a crush on Khloé.
Listen, I have a crush on Khloé.
Everyone has a crush on Khloé.
The cameramen all have a crush on Khloé.
Yeah.
Paxy has a crush on Khloé.
Ya know, if we could just
find somebody who comes close,
we know what he's lookin' for.
She's funny, she's kind,
she's sweet, she's cute.
- KHLOÉ/KRIS: Aw.
- She's, ya know,
she's got all the characteristics I want.
- That's what I'm saying.
- KRIS: Yeah.
Obviously, I would never
look at Khloé sexually
- even though I make jokes like that.
- Ha!
- Yeah, yeah.
- I just need somebody who doesn't
- give up on somebody, like, you know?
- KRIS: Yeah.
'Cause I have been through,
like, a lotta different things.
- Yeah.
- I definitely know I'm not easy,
and I'm not perfect.
- None of us are.
- But I need somebody that
I feel like I get
What's the word? Um
- Laid?
- No. Laid? Ew.
- (KRIS CHUCKLES)
- What?
- Ya horny animal.
- KRIS: Nothing.
- That didn't even fit in the sentence.
- No.
She's just a horn dog. Nympho.
They have to have a good sense of humor.
He's one of the funniest guys I know.
He reminds me so much of my son, Rob.
Rob.
What do you think is
the perfect girl for Scott?
ROB KARDASHIAN (OVER PHONE):
I don't know. A (BLEEP) whore.
Oh, never mind.
Okay, well, I'll talk to you l (LAUGHS)
- I'll talk, I'll talk to you.
- ROB: Yeah, I love you.
- Love you too.
- ROB: Bye, Mom.
(SIGHS)
Whore. We'll just bleep it.
You know what I would love to do, Scott?
I would love to go
to a matchmaker for you.
- SCOTT: A matchmaker?
- Matchmaker.
Is it a madam?
- Basically.
- No! It's not a madam.
It's somebody who's
really genuinely interested.
- KRIS/KHLOÉ: Hi!
- SCOTT: Hi, my pumpkin!
I would hope so, my darling.
- She's the cutest.
- She's everything and more.
P, I have a real question for you.
I wanna talk to, like,
a matchmaker for your dad
- PENELOPE DISICK: Yes.
- KHLOÉ: but, like, what
qualities should we look for in a girl?
- Older.
- Yeah, older than what he's used to.
- Yes.
- KHLOÉ: Yeah.
- KRIS: Okay.
- He was saying late 20s,
- but I said young 30s is fine.
- No. 20s?
- Whatever.
- KRIS: Exactly.
You're 40.
(SCOTT LAUGHS)
You're not gonna date someone 19.
- Ooh.
- I would.
- KHLOÉ: Yeah, he would.
- But it's not a good look.
- But we gotta get over that
- Yeah.
'cause you're not
gonna find the girl you want.
- No.
- Good personality.
- KHLOÉ: Mm-hmm.
- PENELOPE: She can be pretty.
- KHLOÉ: Mm-hmm.
- SCOTT: Oh, I'm allowed to have pretty?
- Yeah.
- SCOTT: Thanks.
PENELOPE: Someone who goes to the gym.
KHLOÉ: Oh.
'Cause you need to go to the gym also.
To motivate you.
I would screen them all first,
- but
- PENELOPE: Yeah.
- Alright, so we got the basics down.
- KRIS: 'Kay.
I mean, but you never know
until you meet somebody.
KRIS: We have enough to go on for now.
- Ooh. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- (LAUGHTER)
This isn't gonna get done
without some drastic changes here.
So, I'm gonna take
matters into my own hands.
I'm gonna get shit done.
I'm gonna make some calls.
I'm gonna get some people.
And we're gonna make it happen!
Okay?
(MIMICS PENELOPE) "You're 40." (LAUGHS)
- Oh! But it's the truth.
- I know, I'm just kidding.
That was just so funny.
♪♪
(UPBEAT BRASS MUSIC PLAYING)
♪♪
KIM: I am taking Saint,
and his best friends, and their moms
on a trip to London and Paris.
It's called our soccer mom tour trip.
Alright, guys!
Our boys love soccer,
and they're obsessed with all the players
from Mbappé, Messi, Ronaldo, Neymar, Saka,
you name it, they're obsessed.
Say, "London, here we come!"
I try to find what my kids' passion is
and do a trip with them.
I've taken Chicago
and her friends to San Diego.
They love the zoos, and the LEGOLANDs,
and all of that.
Luckily, Psalm just tags along, you know?
North loves Paris and fashion,
so I took her to Paris.
OLIVIER ROUSTEING: You look so good.
Saint loves soccer,
so I figured this is our trip.
It's gonna be so much fun,
and it definitely just is such
an amazing bonding experience.
Guys, when we get to London,
we're on the field,
- we meet the players, we get the jerseys.
- (MOMS CHEERING)
What's it called, the pitch?
What's it called?
- The pitch, right? The pitch.
- KIM: What?
The field's called the "pitch."
KIM: What's so fun is
Allison's mom, Shelli Azoff,
and my mom are best friends.
And when we were our sons' ages,
they took us on a trip to London.
Her dad, Irving Azoff, manages the Eagles,
so we went on tour with the Eagles from
city to city.
And it's just so cool
that we get to do this as adults now
and have our boys
grow up the way that we did.
The big question: when we get there,
are we gonna call soccer "football"?
- Football!
- SAINT WEST: Soccer, soccer, soccer!
Here's to the best
soccer moms in the world.
ALLISON STATTER: Soccer moms for the win!
One, two, three, woo!
(PLANE ENGINES WHIRRING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CARS WHOOSHING)
Okay, so, listen,
we're looking for somebody
I think it's gonna be about a feeling.
Khloé and I took everything that we know
about what Scott might be
looking for to a matchmaker.
And what she came up
with was five candidates
- of lovely women
- Candidates.
- That she thinks
- Candidates.
Candidates, that she thinks
that would be amazing.
- So, we're gonna see what happens.
- "Candi-dates"?
This'll be Well, you know,
like a candi-date.
- Candidate.
- No, just a candidate.
- A candidate. Okay, a candidate.
- That's, that's just
- the only word.
- Yeah, right, okay. The only word.
'Kay, what's this girl's name?
KRIS: Her name is Celine.
Celine, 29.
Didn't we say 30 and over?
No, we said 29.
- Hello, queens!
- KRIS: Hi, Celine!
- How are you?
- How are you?
- You look beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Wow.
- You guys look beautiful.
- KHLOÉ/KRIS: Thank you.
- How are you?
- She looks like one of us.
- How are you?
- (LAUGHS) That's a huge compliment.
- She does.
- Thank you. You're too kind.
- Yeah, yeah. So
- you own a lingerie line? Nice.
- CELINE: Yes.
- I run it with my sister.
- KRIS: Ooh.
- I love that.
- CELINE: Yeah. And honestly,
family's the most important thing to me.
- I, I think
- Do you have any kids?
No. I want five to ten kids.
- Oh, my gosh.
- CELINE: No, more like four or five.
Do you care if some of them
are not your own?
I love kids so much that,
- we're open.
- KHLOÉ: Just gonna take on Yes.
- KRIS: Yeah.
- But, yeah, I'm I come from
a, honestly, a very traditional home,
I'm Persian Jewish.
It's not, like, a huge priority,
but being Jewish is,
like, a big plus for him.
- CELINE: Of course, yeah. For me as well.
- And so, that's, that's good.
Yeah. I was born and raised in LA.
I went to Buckley
- Oh, how funny.
- Oh, wow! Okay.
CELINE: Yeah, loved it.
- I went there for 12 years. Yes.
- Rob went to Buckley.
I remem I remember seeing you
and Kim there sometimes
at some of the games.
- It was really sweet.
- KHLOÉ: Mm-hmm.
- Aw.
- Wait, maybe she could date Rob.
- CELINE: Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- Okay, well, one brother at a time
- Okay. Alright.
- and then we'll figure it out.
Oh, okay. Yes. (LAUGHTER)
Who are you
doing these screenings for on the date?
Listen I'm a mom,
and I always have Rob
in the back of my mind.
So, ya know, it's just like
a little thought.
- KHLOÉ: Oh, is that it?
- Yeah.
- Thought, period.
- Just a thought.
- I think I love you.
- CELINE: Yeah. I love you too.
- KHLOÉ: I really think I love her.
- KRIS: That's so cute.
- Really nice.
- I'll go on a date with you.
- Keep drinkin' this wine
- CELINE: I know!
we'll go leave together in a second.
- KRIS: I know, right? There you go.
- I love it. This is so cute.
- Okay. Okay, alright.
- Good star 'kay.
- Mwah. See you guys.
- KHLOÉ: Mwah.
- KRIS: See ya later.
- Have a good day.
- KHLOÉ: Mazel.
- KRIS: She's so cute.
- Her energy is so cute.
- I loved her energy.
(SINGS) I believe in ♪
Looove ♪
This gets you thinking.
I could do this all day, by the way.
Alright, next.
Okay, the next one. What's her name?
- Kaily-Kailyn?
- Oh, God.
Kailyn is too close to Caitlyn.
Her last name wouldn't be Jenner,
- it would be Disick.
- Mom.
- Her name is Kailyn.
- What does she do?
- She's a photographer.
- Okay.
Don't you feel like we work for,
like, The Bachelor
- and we're interviewing the contestants?
- She's so cute.
- We're like the
- Laverne & Shirley.
We're like the Katy Perry
and Lionel Richie of the dating world.
- What the (BLEEP) does that mean?
- That means They're
- They have American Idol.
- No one knows this analogy.
Yes, they do. Katy and Lionel will get it.
Yeah.
- ALL: Hi!
- KAILYN: How are you guys?
- Good, how are you?
- Good. Are you Kailyn?
- I am.
- KHLOÉ: Are we saying it right?
- Yes, Kailyn.
- KHLOÉ: Oh, perfect.
This has gotta be really scary.
- It is scary. It's scary.
- KHLOÉ: We're very sorry.
But I love it.
- Good, good.
- KAILYN: Yeah.
I know, it's a little intimidating,
but just we don't bite.
- I promise.
- Okay, good to know.
I don't know
what kind of woman
is the perfect woman for Scott.
Well, she's breathing and she's over 30,
I'm that's a good start.
Will you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
Yeah, of course.
Um, so I am from
a small town in northern California.
I'm very close with my family.
- Um, I'm in the pet industry.
- Oh, good.
I am single for the first time
in eight years.
- KHLOÉ: Hmm.
- So, I've been single for nine months.
I'm, like, in the groove of it now.
What are you looking for in a man?
I'm really looking
for someone who is genuine,
and grounded, and nice.
Somebody who's loyal.
I think loyalty is really important to me.
- Yeah.
- Somebody who is strong.
- Scott's not your guy. No, just kidding.
- (LAUGHTER)
Okay, well, that's We're done.
Do you know anyone else?
- Okay, I'm just kidding.
- Yeah. Maybe Rob.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you honestly think he's, like,
ready to settle down
- Yeah, I do.
- and taking it seriously?
- That's good.
- I do, I really do.
- What is Scott looking for in a partner?
- He loves beautiful cars.
- He loves sports. He raced motorcycles.
- I can ski.
- KRIS: He loves to ski.
- I grew up on dirt bikes.
- Well, so did he.
- Oh, nice.
- Oh, there we go. That's fun.
- KRIS: Yeah, yeah.
Is he willing to have more children?
-He is. We've asked him
-Yeah.
that question and he is.
- Okay. Okay. That's good.
- Um, but of course, they would have to be
- accepting of his three others, of course.
- Of course.
Well, I love that you guys are doing this
and just screening people.
- I think that's really cool.
- KRIS: Yeah.
- I wish someone would do this
- Right?
for me one day. I'm not ready yet.
- KRIS: Oh, honey, we will.
- When you're ready.
- When I'm ready
- Yeah, wait 'til I talk to your sisters.
Oh, God. Okay.
When I'm ready to date,
I don't think I would be mad
if my sisters did this for me,
'cause they would probably be better at
picking than maybe I would.
I don't know. I don't trust my own picking
most of the time, clearly.
- Thank you so much.
- (THANKING EACH OTHER)
- KRIS: Be in touch.
- Okay.
- Nice meeting you.
- Have a good weekend.
CANDIDATE: You too.
God, if you could get all four of them to
do this for me,
that is, like, wow.
Those boys, if they make it
through the 10 minutes,
they should just go on a date
with me just for the torture
of having to talk to all four of them.
Everyone seemed really great,
which is really surprising.
Of course, this is,
like, a 10-minute thing,
but they seemed like that.
Well, I think it's
kind of like that with anybody.
- (PHONE RINGING)
- You get a
- Oh, it's Scott. I love you.
- Oop. Oh, okay.
- Hi.
- SCOTT (ON PHONE): Yello.
- Hello, I'm here with mom.
- Hi.
This has been agony doing
this with Mom, by the way.
KRIS: She loves me.
SCOTT: I feel like Mom would
be good at it.
- That's right, I am good at it.
- I've had two glasses
of wine because of her
- Yeah.
- and I don't even drink anymore.
SCOTT: Ooh, you're drinkin' wine midday?
- In the day. I'm day drinking.
- KRIS: Yeah, day drinking.
That's how crazy
SCOTT: Ya know, she's
probably nervous too.
- Time for me to head on out.
- SCOTT: Alright, love you guys.
- But I'm being s I'm being serious.
- SCOTT: It's very cute that
- you're helpin' me with this.
- I think some of these girls are
super cute, just for you to,
like, go on a date with.
- I'm not kidding.
- Yeah.
SCOTT: Back in the game.
KRIS: Let's go!
Mission accomplished.
Great day, and can't wait
to see what happens next.
(ELEGANT MUSIC PLAYING)
♪♪
SOCCER MOM: Josh needs to change.
Josh, let's go. Ryan, let's go.
Sainto, come here,
let me change you real quick!
We only have ten minutes.
- ALLISON: You guys, come change quickly.
- (KIDS CHATTERING)
ALLISON: Come change and
then you can come back No.
KIM: We're in London,
and we got a little bit of rest
so we can be ready
for the Arsenal game tonight.
This is like a dream come true.
I played soccer,
so I wanna make sure
that Saint has so much fun
and falls in love with the sport.
- PERSON: Come on, boys.
- (KIDS YELLING)
KIM: Yeah, wait, where's
all the girls? Soccer moms?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
- You wanna sit here in the middle, Al?
- ALLISON: Sure.
♪♪
- This is exciting, guys.
- KIM: I just, like, love that we can give
this experience to our boys.
- I know.
- Like, they're gonna remember this
- forever.
- Forever.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
So, this game, one of the players
is gonna come and meet us.
I don't know who.
Yeah, there might be some cute guys.
- Why are you all looking at me?
- SOCCER MOM: No, no, no, they're 19.
(LAUGHTER)
You know what I'm saying?
I have age limits, guys.
- And I'm
- 18?
You're like, "After my last experience,
I have age limits."
I need just a little bit
- more age-appropriate.
- Yeah.
- I need, like, 40s. You know?
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I like it. I'm into that.
Listen, when you're single
and all your friends are married,
it's like you have
"desperation" written on your face
and everyone under the sun
wants to hook you up with someone.
I'm genuinely just okay
being by myself for a minute,
and the right situation will come my way.
Wait, what are you gonna wear to The Met?
And who's doing your glam,
Chris and Mario?
- KIM: Mm-hmm.
- Great.
What's the theme this year?
Karl Lagerfeld.
Like, I wouldn't go, but I'm also really
petty like that.
How, like, that thing
came out that was like,
"None of the Kardashians
are invited to The Met."
It was, like, a big story.
Just came out, like, last week,
and everyone was like,
"Oh, my God, is this true?
Are you really not invited?"
So, like, there's something
about me that's like,
"Oh, I just wanna show up."
I mean, it was just, like, a thing
'cause I was never invited for s
Like, I was, like, Kanye's plus one.
ALLISON: Now, you get your own plus one.
- I am bringing someone with me.
- (MOM GASPS)
ALLISON: Who?
♪♪
- (MOM GASPS)
- Who? Oh.
Yeah.
I have no idea what I'm gonna wear
to The Met this year,
but I had the best idea to bring
Karl Lagerfeld's cat, his baby, Choupette.
They love the idea,
so I'm gonna meet
Choupette when we go to Paris.
So, I hope Choupette likes me.
- Girls, our first football game.
- Alright, let's go.
- Soccer moms unite!
- One, two, three, woo!
To football moms. Who's ready?!
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
Comin' up fast so you better get ready ♪
- KIM: Oh, my God.
- ALLISON: Who's excited?
- KIDS: Me!
- KIM: Okay.
Look how cool this is!
- ALLISON: O-M-G!
- KIM: Come on, guys.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh-oh-oh, comin' up ♪
- KID: This is huge!
- KIM: How cool, right?
We are at the Arsenal game.
It is so exciting
just to be in the stadium.
Our boys couldn't be
more excited for this game,
and it's just so fun
to see this joy in them.
KIDS (CHANTING): Go Arsenal!
No one's out there yet, boys.
Let's just wait.
I like soccer, but I never
had this, like, passion before.
And the fact that all
the boys love it so much
just makes it so much fun.
Guys, who's your favorite
player on Arsenal?
- KIDS: Saka!
- KID: Jesus!
(KIDS SHOUTING)
(SAINT SPEAKING)
KIM: Oh, stop it, Saint.
These are the best seats.
- Oh, my gosh. Go in there.
- Get, get your jersey. Hurry, Saint.
I forgot Saint's red Arsenal jersey
that we specifically got for this
trip that, of course, I left at home.
I'm the worst.
- Buddy. Aw.
- (SAINT CRIES)
Yeah, life is so tough.
It's really hard for me
to be really strict
and to discipline a lot.
Goodie bag?
Ooh. Saint, look,
we have a little goodie bag for you.
My parents weren't strict at all,
and sometimes, because I'm really busy,
it would be amazing if I had a partner
that would come in and tap me out,
and take over, and,
and handle it, you know?
But it can't happen like that.
Goalies are out on the field.
Oh, look at the team.
The players are coming!
Oh, jump over. By any means necessary.
I do think that my household,
and even in our family,
- it's, like, very female-dominated.
- (SAINT SHOUTING)
- KIM: Should we take a girls' pic?
- ALLISON: Yeah, let's do it.
KIM: And I recently hired a manny.
I really wanted a male around
that was gonna be picking him up
and taking them to sports.
And I was scared outta my mind
to tell their dad that.
When he was dropping off the kids,
Kanye introduced himself,
played two-on-two with Saint and him.
Has been so nice to him and saying,
"Hey, if you're gonna help raise my son,"
'cause he handed him the ball,
like, really easily or something,
and he's like, "Don't do that.
"Make him go get it himself.
These are, like, some
of the rules that I would want."
And I was like, "Oh, my God. Okay
That's great."
'Kay, turn around.
Take a picture with Pax.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
ALLISON: Here come the players.
Woo!
- Saint. Hi. How are you?
- So nice to meet you.
EDDIE NKETIAH: How are you, good?
Who's the biggest Arsenal fan here then?
Me, me, me! (LAUGHTER)
STAFF MEMBER: You can choose
what number you'd like best, Saint.
Okay.
Finally, happy kids.
- Oh, my gosh, look who came to see you!
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
KIM: This is all you want in life.
You just want happy kids.
You want everyone to be appreciative.
That's all I want,
and I feel like I finally got it tonight.
There is so much going on in my life.
Still in school,
my businesses that I'm running,
but I will make all the time in the world
to create memories with my babies.
KIDS: Arsenal!
And I know will mean the world to Saint.
- (CROWD YELLING)
- (WHISTLE BLARING)
KIM: If they win,
we can go down and meet them.
(EXCITED GASPS)
KIDS (CHANTING): Arsenal!
(CROWD YELLING)
I feel like North is, like
lives her life like an only child,
does her thing.
Then the two little ones are a year apart,
so they're like twins almost,
and they're always together.
So, Saint loves the little ones,
would love North if she'd
hang out with him, but she won't.
So, I wanna give him
a little bit of attention,
and he's such a mama's boy and I love it.
And I know that those years
aren't gonna last forever.
Like, it's already he doesn't like me
to kiss him goodbye at school anymore,
and he gets so embarrassed,
and he looks around
and, like, sees where
his friends are, and, like,
quickly hugs me and runs.
So, we're already there.
- (WHISTLE BLARES)
- (CROWD YELLING)
ALLISON: It's okay, guys!
It was a great game!
- KID: That was not!
- ALLISON: It was.
It was a good game up 'til the end.
It was such a good game.
Ugh, Arsenal lost,
but tomorrow I'm so excited
to go sightseeing
just to show them a little bit of London
and have fun in a whole new place.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
♪♪
KRIS: Hello?
- SCOTT: Hi. What's happening?
- KRIS: Hi.
Not much. Mwah.
After Khloé and I did our
matchmaking in honor of Scott,
our final choice was Celine.
Love that necklace.
- I love this necklace.
- SCOTT: Me too.
Celine had great energy,
had a great attitude.
So, I'm checking on Scott
because I know he had
his date with Celine,
and I am dying to know what's going on.
So
(KRIS SNEEZES, LAUGHS)
Was that, like, half an orgasm?
Does that sound like an orgasm to you?
I'm out of the game.
So, on a brighter note
how was the date?
Tell me everything.
First impression, the moment she walked
in the door,
where did you go, tell me the whole thing.
- Hi.
- SCOTT: Hi.
- How are you?
- SCOTT: How are ya?
- Nice to meet you.
- How ya doin'? Nice to meet ya.
- How's it going?
- Great.
Tell me something I don't know. (CHUCKLES)
Um not the biggest dater, I would say.
Okay, so you're trying something new.
Trying something new
that I heard is what people do.
Yeah, I get set up all the time. It's fun.
- Really? And it's fun?
- Yeah, by my parents.
- Yeah!
- Are you Jewish?
- I'm Jewish, yeah. Persian Jewish.
- Oh, okay. I love it.
What was your first impression?
- She was optimistic, and happy, and
- Uh-huh.
positive about so many
different things in life that I,
I really found a lotta good from her.
Scott can be a Debbie Downer
from time to time, just saying.
No offense to any Debbie out there,
but maybe somebody like Celine
could bring out the best in Scott,
because Scott's got this side
to him that's fabulous,
and we just need
the right person in his life
to bring back the joy.
- Mm-hmm.
- But she couldn't have been nicer.
- Good.
- I probably talked to her more than
I've talked to, like,
girls I dated for years.
I said I want 10, 15 kids.
No, I'm kidding.
Like, five, but I love kids.
- You better get to work soon.
- I know, I gotta get to work.
Um, yeah, so, born and raised in LA.
I live in Beverly Hills with my parents.
- Traditional. Yeah.
- Oh, cute.
- Which is amazing.
- Totally.
I mean, the fact that
you can go home and hang
-with your family and, like,
-Yeah.
eat dinner with them.
- Yeah, it's chill. Yeah, I love it.
- I mean, I'm Unfortunately,
I lost my parents,
- but I always say, like
- Sorry.
I couldn't (BLEEP) wait
to get outta my parents' house.
If I had any idea
- What life would be now.
- that I would've lost them young,
I would've (BLEEP) lived with them
- until I was
- Yeah, I get it.
- Yeah, yeah.
- a (BLEEP) grandfather.
The only thing I found,
like, not bad or good,
but she was, like,
"I've never really met anybody
that I've cared enough to be with,
- so I've never really dated long-term."
- KRIS: Mm-hmm.
Would be nice to have somebody
who had a little dating experience.
Yeah, just so you could see
what an asshole a guy is.
- (KRIS LAUGHS)
- So then, like
- Like, appreciate.
- You Yeah.
You've never had your heart broken?
Not, like, to a point that I'm, like,
- I don't know, like, gasping for air.
- You gave a (BLEEP)?
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
Have you always been, like, this chipper?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah I have. Yeah.
- Wow.
- Have you had any hard times?
- Hardships?
- I mean, the hard But, like
- Nothing bad has happened to you?
No, I lost my grandparents,
- but (LAUGHS) No, that was, that wa
- Wait, let me Were they 100?
(CELINE LAUGHS)
Actually, my grandpa was 101
when he passed away.
- This is a (BLEEP) joke.
- I swear.
Ever go to therapy?
- No. (LAUGHS)
- Were you ever depressed?
- (LAUGHING) No.
- Ever?
I swear this isn't fake. No.
Do you cry at movies?
Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, 'cause if there was no,
- then I was gonna a little sociopathish.
- If not, it'd be a little weird.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're out with a serial killer.
- Good.
- Yeah, Khloé and Kris
set you up with a serial killer,
- but she's chipper, so it's fine.
- By the way, that,
- I wouldn't be surprised.
- (CELINE LAUGHS)
I knew they were tryna get rid of me.
Those (BLEEP).
I would totally hang out
with her. Great energy.
So sweet.
So, at the end,
we were tryna figure out, like,
how do we part ways here, ya know?
I know this is, like, a blind date.
- Yeah.
- Like, I don't know
how that works to see each other after,
but I feel like you should be,
like, my life coach.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
- I wanna learn to be this happy.
- Yeah, you will.
It's within you, I promise.
But honestly, it's really, really cute.
Thank you.
I do appreciate that you went
to a matchmaker and set me up.
I think it was good for me
just to get outta my comfort zone.
I appreciated that you were into it.
- Yeah.
- Like, you gave it a shot.
Ya know what, at the end of the day,
we're one family trying to make sure
that we're all feeling
loved and appreciated
But we'd like to pawn you off
on somebody immediately.
But No, no.
We just want you to find
- I know.
- somebody that you enjoy
- spending time with.
- I get it.
That's all. You were a really good sport.
I'm really happy that
Scott trusted Khloé and I,
that he embraced the situation.
At the end of the day, love will come when
it's supposed to.
I really believe that
Scott will find his person
when the timing's right.
So, even if they just become friends,
then I say mission accomplished.
I could probably pull some strings
and get you on The Bachelor
if you wanna meet, like,
- 30 girls on the same night.
- I do not
- wanna do that.
- No? Okay. (LAUGHS)
- Just checking.
- That sounds like a nightmare.
- Or like a bad porno.
- (KRIS LAUGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(REGAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
♪♪
(BIKE BELL DINGS)
KIM: Alright, guys, if anyone
has to go to the bathroom,
we're gonna go to the London Eye,
so who has to go potty?
Anyone?
ALLISON: Nope, just Kimmy?
Let's go, homies.
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
- ALLISON: Yay! London weather.
("SPICE UP YOUR LIFE"
BY SPICE GIRLS PLAYING)
KIM: The first stop, the London Eye,
and then, shopping
for some fun sports stuff,
and tonight we're gonna go to a musical.
And this is sentimental to Allison and I,
'cause our parents
would take us to musicals
and it was, like,
our favorite thing to do.
When you're feelin' sad and low ♪
We will take you where you gotta go ♪
PERSON: Oh, look, Buckingham Palace, boys.
ALLISON: Is this Westminster Abbey?
This is where all the royal weddings are.
I was a Spice Girl for my talent show.
- (CROSSTALK)
- I was Victoria. I was Posh. Duh.
Oh, they asked me if I would be her part.
- ALLISON: Oh yeah, I remember that.
- Mel C asked me.
Sporty Spice wrote a book
and signed it inside,
and she sent it to me saying
that they're going on tour,
and they need a Posh
and would I be the Posh.
Could you imagine.
North is like, "Do it, Mom!"
I mean, I'm sure she was joking,
but, like, when I was in high school,
would I ever have thought
that this was, like, a thing?
PERSON: Saint, let's go. Hurry, let's go.
I'm just, like, a girl from high school
that loved the Spice Girls,
and now they're asking me?
- Good, how are you?
- Big fan of yours.
Oh, thank you. Nice to meet you.
Hai Si Ja, hold tight ♪
(KIDS SHOUTING)
ALLISON: You guys, there's the Big Ben!
Look, right there.
PERSON: And then next to it
is the Houses of Parliament
where they make all the decisions, yeah.
You're hungry? How do we get off this?
Let's keep it movin'.
So, 7-year-old boys
need to be entertained 24/7.
- (KIDS SHOUTING)
- KIM: So
we just have so much lined up
because we need to tire them out.
Next up, shopping.
Guys, let's go to the basketball section.
Guys, no playing soccer here, please.
The boys don't know, but I set up a call
with their favorite player on Arsenal.
His name is Saka.
PERSON: Come and say hello
to Saka, you guys.
- KIDS: Hi.
- MOM: Hey!
(LAUGHTER)
KID: You're my favorite player.
PERSON: And, and Saint, as well.
BUKAYO SAKA (OVER PHONE):
Thank you very much, thank you.
PERSON: Uh, Saka,
even though I'm an adult,
- I'm also your biggest fan.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
KID: We're gonna come back
if you win the Premier League.
- ALLISON: "When."
- MOM: No, "when," "when," "when."
BUKAYO: When, when.
Well, thank you so
much for taking the time
to say hi to my boys.
- They are your biggest fans, so thank you.
- MOM: Aww.
KIM: Next up,
Back to the Future: The Musical.
Hi, how are you?
My day's been exhausting,
but the boys are having a good time.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHEERING)
The cast is so sweet and so much fun,
and everyone's just, like,
doing these funny TikTok dances.
It's just such a cool experience.
- Thanks, you guys.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ALLISON: Great show. You guys are awesome.
♪♪
Well, I think that was
a highly successful day.
Soccer moms are invincible.
It's St. Patrick's Day.
My security is watching all of the kids,
so that the moms
finally get to have some fun.
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (PATRONS CHEERING)
Alright, we need this.
Thank you for this amazing trip.
Cheers, girls.
We need a little drink
to deal with our kids.
KIM: I am. How are you?
KIM: Sure, sure.
KIM: Oh, amazing!
Of course.
- Oh, congratulations! Good luck.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you!
- Thanks, you guys!
It's fun to be recognized
by a fellow law student.
It's just, like, fun
to walk into a random pub
with random people, and, like, hang out
and be normal.
(CHEERING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- KID: Come on, Kim!
KIM: We get back,
and the boys are wide awake.
Hey! Where is I can't see with this hat!
So, what else is there to do,
but play soccer in the hallways?
(SHOUTING)
KIM: Luckily, we have,
like, the whole floor
'cause I would never let
my kids keep people up at night.
But I will let them
play soccer in the hallways
if that will tire them out
and put them to bed.
So, game on.
- (ALL CHEERING)
- (SCREAMS) We won!
These last few days
in London have been so amazing.
Next up, we're heading to Paris
to go to the Paris Saint-Germain game.
Give me a Guinness and I'll play!
ALLISON: You guys are so sweaty.
(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hi.
- Hi what are you doin'?
Stealing my snacks again?
- Always.
- Because you have nothing in your pantry.
Well.
You are really addicted to these little
- oranges. Mm-hmm.
- Cuties? Oh, now that's a problem too?
No I think it's great
that's your snack.
All the orange trees that we have,
- they're all this big.
- Are big.
- A little tart.
- But these are natural?
They come this small,
or, like, we do something to make them?
You think that they're on Ozempic?
- What?
- Probably.
I don't know. (LAUGHING)
That's a really good question.
On another note,
I'm really proud of Scott
that he went on his date with Celine.
- Forgot to tell you that.
- Stop.
No, he'll probably tell you
things he wouldn't tell me, I feel like.
I think everything
with Scott went really well.
I've been thinking a lot
about him and his happiness,
but it also made me think
a little bit about Khloé,
and where her head's at
and where her life is going.
Speaking of dating, what about you
- and your dating life?
- What? I don't have a dating life.
- I'm not dating anyone.
- I know, but
you and Tristan do spend a lot
of quality parenting,
co-parenting time together.
What happens if he moves on
and you haven't moved on?
How are you gonna feel about that?
I mean, I don't know until I get there,
but I want him to move on.
Like, I want him to find someone,
and to be happy,
and whatever that means.
But with all that being said,
I remember Lamar and I were s
divorced already or separated, I forget.
And the first time I saw him
with someone in a magazine
or online somewhere,
and I remember it still stung.
- Aww.
- But I didn't want to be with him.
- Yeah.
- But then after the first time I
like, then you get over it.
And the same goes with Tristan.
I imagine that the first time
he is with someone, yeah,
it will sting a little bit.
I don't know, but I think
that's probably normal.
Yeah.
I really worry for Khloé
that if Tristan does meet somebody one day
and does move on,
is she gonna regret
not
getting back with him fully
in a
monogana
in a monoganam
(CHUCKLES) in a monoganous
in a (BLEEP) one-on-one
relationship, okay?
Can't say the word today. (LAUGHS)
I see how he looks at you.
I see, ya know, the effort
that he puts into you and the kids.
Tristan's a great guy.
If you don't think it infuriates me
that I basically helped
mold this person to who he is,
and now, the greatness of him
gets to be shared with someone else.
Yeah, that's very frustrating for me.
- But that's no reason for me to just
- To settle for something.
- Yeah.
- To settle for s-someone that didn't
feel this way about me.
Everyone was thinking about themselves,
- everyone.
- Yeah.
From all the girls,
they were thinking about themselves,
-to Tristan every time this happened, like
-Right.
- no one ever thought about me.
- Yeah.
And so, what I'm doing
right now is I'm thinking about me.
It's frustrating that almost
my entire life of men,
they all have to realize how great I am
after they've showed me
how terrible they can be
when I knew how great
they were to begin with.
So, why can't someone see
how great I am to begin with?
Why don't you ask Tristan
some of these questions?
Like how would he feel if I was
Oh, I already know. He wouldn't be happy.
Yeah, he would be devastated, I promise.
Thanks.
- Well, he would.
- Yeah, I know.
But if you're gonna be devastated,
then why'd you do what you did?
- I don't think
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
- I don't think he was thinking
- What was the mindset when you cheated?
You're asking me?
Who, who the (BLEEP) else am I talking to?
♪♪
KIM: Next, on The Kardashians
Hey, guys!
- KHLOÉ/KYLIE: Hi!
- Happy birthday!
I am going to The Met
with Karl Lagerfeld's cat.
- (CAT HISSES)
- (FAKE CRIES)
Is this cat gonna like me?
- (CAT GROWLS)
- (SHOCKED CHATTER)
Do you have that much anxiety?
Yeah, I've been really bad
lately. It's one of the reasons
why I'm, like, actually scared
to have children.
SAINT: I want my phone!
- We need to find it!
- I heard.
It takes a village to raise kids,
but at the end of the day,
your kids only want you.
KHLOÉ: Oh, wait! What?!
- How can you guys start without the mom?
- Oh, my gosh.
- Daddy of the year.
- Yes.
Best father award.
CICI BUSSEY: Is he driving you crazy?
KHLOÉ: Yeah.
If someone did, to my daughter,
what Tristan did,
I would probably castrate them
and smile doing it.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Hand it over,
now go 'head and hand it over ♪
Let's go ♪
Hey, come get it,
come get it, come get it ♪
I've been waitin' all night ♪
But I'm, yeah, I'm too quick with it ♪
Anybody, they just can stick with it ♪
Yeah, they keep comin', they rushin' ♪
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪
They just ain't fast enough ♪
They too slow, they can't hang with us ♪
Knock, knock
here I come right below ya ♪
I'ma get it like I told ya ♪
Now go 'head and hand it over now ♪
Hand it over,
now go 'head and hand it over ♪
Now, hand it over ♪
Hand it over,
now go 'head and hand it over ♪
Hand it over, ooh-ooh-ooh-
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
Hand it over,
now go 'head and hand it over ♪
I'ma get it like I told ya ♪
Now go 'head and hand it over now ♪
Don't make this weird.
- It's not a real crush.
- Scott Well, first of all,
Scott has a crush on you,
but it's like a brother-sister crush
- where he looks at you and admires
- First of all,
- that's not a thing.
- Oh.
There's no such thing as a brother
- sister crush
- Well, no, I meant
unless you live in the
six states that legalize
incest.
- And we don't do that here.
- That's Well, okay.
- It came out wrong. I think I
- Mm-hmm. No, no, we got it.
(BELL TOLLS)