The Simple Life (2003) s04e04 Episode Script
The Padilla Family
NARRA TOR: Life 's been hectic for Paris recently, so she 's treating herself to a relaxing spa day with friends.
-You're, like, always single.
So lucky.
-Always.
Right now it's just, like, why do I want somebody annoying me? PARlS: I've never been single.
I always have a boyfriend.
Me, too.
-I hate being alone.
-I'm always a really good girlfriend.
CAROLlNE: I'd never cheat.
-Which is impossible.
-I know.
Guysyou.
NARRA TOR: Meanwhile, downtown, Nicole's primping for a photo shoot with her stylist, Rachel Zoe.
RACHEL: I don't like Honey.
Honey almost killed Foxy.
Why are you still, like, in love with her? -'Cause Honey is, like, amazing.
-Rachel! NlCOLE: These are my children that you're talking about.
I understand, but Wait till you have your first kid.
I'm gonna spit on it.
Spitting on my kids? CAROLlNE: Great, now that you've got your nails done, now you have to go take care of babies and clean.
I am not cleaning with these nails.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? Sweetie, you got to get up.
You're 20 minutes late.
(MOANlNG) Come on.
Nic, honey.
Wake up.
I gotta go.
-Love you.
-Love you.
NARRA TOR: Ready or not, it's time for Paris and Nicole to take turns replacing another housewife.
The girls thrive in the luxury of Hollywood and Beverly Hills but this week they'll be learning about familia in an unfamiliar part of Los Angeles.
(GREETlNG lN SPANlSH) We are the Padilla family.
My name is Angelica Padilla, and I have three daughters, Arielle, Valerie and Miranda, and one son, Jesse.
Every day, in this house, having the four children is very, very challenging.
-ANGELlCA: Val.
-She's here! Val, sit down, please.
(CHATTERlNG lN SPANlSH) Oh, good.
There's, like, 12 bikes in the front yard.
Well, come in! -Hello! -Hi! -How are you? -I'm good.
-ANGELlCA: Welcome to our home.
-Hi.
-This is Miranda.
-Nice to meet you.
I'm Paris.
How are you? Hi.
I'm Nicole.
Nice to be here.
Nice to meet you.
-Hi.
What's your name? -Valerie.
-These are all yours? -ANGELlCA: These are all mine.
Wow, you guys have been busy.
ANGELlCA: Yeah, you could call her Mommy if you want.
Basically, the lesson for today would be how to manage all the children and do everything that needs to be done.
Homeworks are done, chores are done, and dinner is cooked.
I come from a family of four, too.
-I want a big family.
-You want a big family? Yeah, I want five kids.
Today dinner's gonna be enchiladas.
Pozole, it's a Mexican soup.
So you have to go to the market with all four kids.
Today's a special day for Miranda.
She has to have her picture taken today at school.
Bike riding, they love to do that.
Helping the kids with their class projects.
Clean the kitchen, dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom.
You think you can handle that? -Bye.
-PARlS: Bye.
What do you want us to call you all day? Mommy dearest.
NARRA TOR: Nicole's first task is to get four-year-old Miranda dressed and ready for her school picture.
But first, she wants to clarify a few things with Dad.
So, what look were you thinking for her school picture? Like Courtney Love-ish? -Uh, no, maybe more like -Marilyn Manson? Hilary Duff, I was going for.
Like, teenage Hilary Duff, or Hilary Duff right after she got out of bed with Joel Madden? Oh! That's my dress.
-That's the dress you want to wear? -Yeah.
And where's, like, a bra that I can stuff for her? A bra? Well, it's her School Picture Day.
You obviously want her to have bigger boobs.
What do you want to do that for? I told you.
So you can make more friends.
-Do you like that? -Yeah.
-Do you feel like a woman? -Mmm-hmm.
This feels kind of weird.
-lt does? -Yes.
Get used to it.
(STAMMERlNG) She's four.
I don't think the makeup's such a good idea.
Don't you know who JonBenet Ramsey is? I don't think that's school-appropriate.
It's Picture Day.
Do you want her to have no friends? (STAMMERlNG) Just take off the makeup and take off the Shut up, Jess! Shut up and leave us alone! Defend yourself.
Kick him in the baby-maker! Hit him where it hurts.
-Don't you know what that is? -Yeah.
(GRUNTlNG) PARlS: Where are we riding? I don't want to get ran over.
(CAR HORN HONKlNG) I've never been on a bike on the street.
-Have you been on a bike before? -Um I don't remember.
Oh, yeah.
In Malibu, like, when I was 12.
There's no brakes on mine.
Come on, Mom, you can make it.
I'm wearing the worst possible outfit.
(LAUGHlNG) ARlELLE: Well, at least you look cute.
PARlS: Thank you.
That's all that matters.
Should we go show your dad what a hot tamale you are? Look.
(GASPS) Well, what are these? -Hey.
-They're socks.
You can't have socks in there.
You're four.
She put them on them.
I don't know about socks on.
Would you rather gloves? If we could, you know, lose the chest flare-up, it might work a little better for school pictures.
Okay.
Come here.
You got to get a move on.
It's getting late.
-You might miss pictures.
-Okay.
Miranda, let me take a picture of you.
DAD: With the sweater coming off the shoulder? -How cute.
-Sexy.
Okay, guys, you better listen to your new mommy today.
Yeah, okay.
Bye, Dad.
I expect them back in the same condition! MlRANDA: You're a nice mom.
-ls Paris the same way? -Thank you.
NlCOLE: How do you say "bitch" in Spanish? I'm asking.
I think it's puto.
I heard that word in La Bamba.
-What does it mean? -It's the "B" word.
-"Bitch"? -Yeah.
MlRANDA: That's my school right there.
Hi.
I'm Miranda's teacher.
-Hi.
How are you? -Fine.
How are you? -I'm Nicole.
-Nice to meet you.
Hi, Miranda.
Are you ready for Picture Day? -I got make-up on.
-Let me see.
Are you ready? Now, I need the payment for Picture Day.
Oh.
There's a little something extra in there for you, too.
-Okay.
-Thanks, bitch.
Love you.
JESSE: You're gonna have to help us with our projects, grocery shopping, chores, laundry, clean kitchen, dusting, vacuuming, clean the bathroom, and cooking dinner.
So, what is this? Nicole dressed Miranda up for Picture Day, -and she put socks in her shirt.
-MlRANDA: Like boobs.
-Are you serious? -CHlLDREN: Yeah.
And you went to school like that? JESSE: No, my dad told her to take the socks out.
You cannot have this in the yearbook.
I'm gonna have this photographer come over and do, like, a professional photo shoot and just make her look her age, and she's gonna look beautiful.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Hello.
I'm here to take pictures of Miranda for a school picture.
Okay.
JESSE: Yo, what are you doing in there? If you're gonna be a model, you have to be fast in this business.
Everybody, here is the hot señorita.
(LAUGHlNG) Beautiful.
Over here.
So, the first thing we need to teach you is how to pose.
Cute.
And look at the camera.
I love it.
Smile.
(SNARLS) PARlS: Can you hold the fire extinguisher, 'cause you're so hot.
NlCOLE: We have work to do.
Look, your mom gave me this list.
Let's go with the class projects.
Who has a project? What is it? (STAMMERlNG) I have to get information about famous people.
Like, Abraham Lincoln? No, like a famous person.
-What's your project? -Papier-mâché.
-Do you know how to make papier-mâché? -What's that? "Castle project.
"Objective: You must be able to explain the importance of "and structure of a European castle during the Middle Ages.
" (YAWNS) I don't know what any of that means.
All right, let's just build a castle.
How about we dump it on the table? Think we're supposed to put it in a bowl and mix it first.
NlCOLE: "Mix together flour and cold water in a bowl.
"Add this mixture to the boiling water and allow to return to a boil.
" Oh, we're supposed to put it on the stove.
We have to make it so hot it's boiling.
All right, I'm going to go help Valerie with her project while this thickens.
-Okay.
All right.
-Call me if you need anything.
What is that? ARlELLE: We tried to make papier-mâché and that's what we got.
(CLANGlNG) That does not sound good.
Yeah, it's clogged.
I know the perfect person to call.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) -Hi.
-Hey, how you doing? How are you, Limar? -How you been? -Sexy.
Yes, you are.
I have to do an oral report about a historical figure person.
And who were you thinking? Maybe I could do one on you because you're already here.
If you're gonna really do a report, you have to look like me also, don't you think? Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna make you a mini me.
Come here.
Let me see you.
Well, I love wearing oversized clothes.
This is you? (LAUGHlNG) You wear a lot of stuff.
NlCOLE: But hold on.
My hair is not that long.
-Just try not to cut my hair.
-NlCOLE: I won't.
I promise.
NlCOLE: Short hair's more fun anyway.
LlMAR: Who messed up my sink? PARlS: Not me.
(LlMAR EXCLAlMS) Something that Nicole and her made.
I don't know what it is.
Wow.
We're having an argument.
Who would win in a battle, a tiger with a machine gun or a killer robot? The robot would win because No, he wouldn't.
You don't know anything.
(CLEARS THROAT) (BEEPlNG) Can you braid my hair? -What's political science? -I don't know.
Look in the dictionary.
LlMAR: It looks like the disposal is broken.
I'm gonna have to come back.
So, I've been working with Valerie on her homework.
-Mmm-hmm.
-And she's ready.
I'm excited.
I can't wait to see her report.
Valerie, come down! Who're you supposed to be, by the way? "Hi, I'm recording and television superstar Nicole Richie.
"l was born September 21st, 1981, "but more importantly, I'm a natural blonde.
"During five seasons of The Simple Life, I had the pleasure "of working with one of the most talented performers in Hollywood.
"Of course, I'm talking about my dog Honey Child.
"Thank you and peace out.
" Any questions? I have a question.
Is it difficult walking down the street looking as fabulous as you do? Oh, my goodness.
VALERlE: Could you get me something to eat? JESSE: Can you play a video game with me? (SlGHS) Oh, my God.
(VlDEO GAME PLA YlNG) You're a little girl.
Have I got you mad? (KlDS SHOUTlNG) NARRATOR: The day is nowhere near over and Paris is feeling completely overwhelmed.
(PHONE RlNGS) Listen, I really need your help because I'm watching these four kids and they're just a handful.
NARRA TOR: So she's called in the cavalry.
Thank God.
Hi, Dutch.
NARRA TOR: Paris has had a long morning trying to manage the lovable but overly energetic Padilla kids.
Fortunately, her Aunt Kyle has arrived to help out just in the nick of time.
-Hi, Dutch.
-How are you? I want to play.
-Take off the diamonds.
-The jewelry? Mine are up here.
I love how you're making me do this.
Is that necklace made out of gold or Where'd you get those shoes? Did you kill a leopard to get that jacket? -JESSE: Why do you look like Paris? -Because we're related.
-VALERlE: Are you her grandma? -No! (LAUGHlNG) Do I look like her grandma? Don't answer that.
KYLE: I think it looks good for now.
Let's just go and get some food from the supermarket before it closes.
Guys, let's go to the store.
Yeah! Oh, my God, I haven't seen a pay phone in so long.
I know.
Nobody uses them anymore.
She forgot the list.
You didn't bring the list? PARlS: You can get whatever you want.
NlCOLE: Okay, grab the cheese.
JESSE: Okay.
KYLE: Cheddar.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) Want some cock-flavored soup mix? We definitely need some cock-flavored soup mix, don't you think? Yeah.
(GlGGLES) NlCOLE: You want this? It has alcohol in it.
You crazy woman.
It's okay.
It's Sprite.
Paris, can you get that gun down for me? MlRANDA: Paris! Paris! Paris! PARlS: Those babies look sick.
JESSE: Why do I want a do-rag? Because if you wanna look sexy for the girls, then you're gonna have to wear one.
I don't wanna look sexy.
NARRA TOR: Jesse Jr.
's been trying the girls 'patience all day, so Nicole decides to give him a little extra attention.
Everybody, we ha ve a hot bachelor running loose.
His name is Jesse.
He 's got long brown hair, beautiful almond eyes and a big And he is looking for a date.
ARlELLE: Nicole, that's my brother! That's embarrassing.
Anyone that knows how to make enchiladas, please meet me at the register.
-GlRL: Right here.
-No.
Hi.
Could you, maybe, come to my house at 6:00 p.
m.
and make some enchiladas? 'Cause I have four screaming kids and I'm really not gonna have the time.
MARGARlTA: Okay.
-You will? -Yeah.
Thanks.
(SPEAKS SPANlSH) (LAUGHlNG) I'm gonna get you for this.
PARlS: So, so far we went bike riding.
So we exercised.
I helped with the class projects.
I cleaned your room, I went grocery shopping.
And now it's time for chores.
-I don't want to.
-I don't want to.
I don't want to, either.
-So let's just go have some fun.
-Okay.
-I'm sick of it.
-Oh, my God, don't shoot us.
Go upstairs and get your swimsuits.
JESSE: Are we going to your house? PARlS: It's a surprise.
-Are you gonna ground us? -PARlS: No.
-What's up? -Nothing.
So you have oranges.
Do you have anything else, Iike grapefruits or tangerines, bananas, apples? (KlDS CHATTERlNG) -No.
-Okay, we'll take four.
-Okay, where's your car? -Where's my car? (DOG BARKlNG) NlCOLE: Yeah.
I'm definitely starting to get a little tired.
You're just carrying your purse and yourself.
Wait, are we missing a kid? PARlS: So, this is my house.
-This is your house? Your house? -Yeah.
That's Tinkerbell.
PARlS: I'll give you guys a tour.
This is Tokyo.
I like Tokyo, too.
(GROWLlNG) So, Paris, what kind of rules do you have here? Just have fun and do whatever you want.
Will we get in trouble if we break something? Yes.
That's the only rule.
Do not break anything.
NARRA TOR: Back at the Padilla house, they're still missing a kid and dinner's nowhere near ready.
So Nicole has a lot on her mind.
(HORN BLOWS) NARRA TOR: Fortunately, little Miranda made it home safe and sound.
I thought you were going to help.
NlCOLE: All right, you guys clean up.
Margarita and I are going to start cooking.
Okay, well, you gotta wait for the chicken to be done.
You can start making them with just cheese.
You want to make them just with cheese? ARlELLE: Cheese makes me constipated.
Cannonball! MlRANDA: I like your bathing suit.
Thanks.
(EXCLAlMS) It's cold.
Isn't this better than doing chores? CHlLDREN: Yeah! NlCOLE: How's dinner? What's for dessert? You only said enchiladas.
Come on, guys, let's go.
NARRA TOR: The enchiladas are almost done, but Nicole still wants dessert, so she gets back to work.
Does anyone know how to make dessert? (SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) If Margarita's still there, she can translate for you.
I'm moving all by myself.
Stay closer.
She can't reach that wall.
She can't reach that Okay.
There you go.
Okay, come up.
You're scaring me.
My Gucci boots.
(SQUEALS) -Can I have friends over for dinner? -Yeah.
Do they like cock-flavored soup? My friend Jimmy, he likes cock soup.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Hi.
How are you? You're just in time to help clean.
We're just cleaning the living room.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) You're just in time to clean.
(GREETlNG lN SPANlSH) Hi.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) (SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) La comida is ready.
Okay.
You guys hungry? MlRANDA: I want ketchup and mustard.
Well, say please.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) (KlDS SNlCKERlNG) I hope you all had a fun day today, and you're really nice kids.
So, amen.
CHlLDREN: Amen.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) NlCOLE: Everyone just sit down.
Does anyone want a beer? ANGELlCA: Hey, guys.
NlCOLE: Hi, guys.
How did it go? It went great.
I figured if I was cooking for four, I might as well cook for eight.
And I baked a cake, also.
ALL: Wow.
DAD: That actually looks pretty good.
Thank you.
-Guys? We're home.
-Guys, we're home.
Kids? Oh, my goodness, honey, look at this living room.
What happened here? Guys? Maybe they're just hiding from us.
Did you check the backyard? ANGELlCA: Yeah, but nobody's out there.
I mean, their bikes are still there.
It looks like somebody ransacked the house, too.
DAD: Where's Paris? Dude, I'm gonna kill her.
ANGELlCA: Paris is in big trouble.
Where did the kids go? I don't know what's going on.
What are we gonna do? NARRA TOR: While the Padillas fear for their children's safety, Iittle do they know they've been thriving in Paris ' closet.
Look at this thing, it's pretty.
(CHORTLES) Is there, like, just like a little black dress? Look in the black section.
Oh, these are much prettier.
Can we go downstairs with them? KYLE: They're a little hard to walk in, though, aren't they? No.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Wait one second.
Be careful.
Hold on the railing.
Go slowly.
(DOG BARKlNG) (EXCLAlMlNG) -Oh, my God.
-The shoe fell off.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) -Come in.
-Do you have our kids? (GROWLlNG) Yeah.
-Dude, you had us worried.
-I left a note.
ANGELlCA: Guys.
Where were you? DAD: You guys had us worried.
We got home and nobody was home.
We were looking around for everybody.
This is her house.
-Did you guys have a good time? -Mmm-hmm.
MlRANDA: Mommy! (MlRANDA SCREAMlNG) So how did it go with the kids? It was fun.
Yeah, we had fun.
We went bike riding, we went to the market.
The kids' projects went well.
Valerie had a project and she wanted to talk about a historical figure, so she talked about me.
We had hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
And did you cook this? -My bodyguard did.
-Okay.
Do you still want to have five children after today? I do.
Maybe two kids.
Because four is a lot of work.
-Bye, Nicole.
-Bye, Miranda.
JESSE: Today with Nicole was, kind of, you know, up and down situations.
Some things were good, and some things went down to bad.
But it was all a really fun day.
-Thank you very much.
-Bye.
DAD: Nicole seemed a little more outspoken.
She got along really well with the kids.
Didn't seem bothered at all.
You know, I respect that.
-Thanks for having us.
-Don't forget your purses.
I would like Paris to have learned that when she's coming to a house with a lot of kids she needs to be prepared.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) ALL: Bye.
Thank you.
(PARlS SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) DAD: Bye! PARlS: That was exhausting.
Thank God I only have dogs.
NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life wedding bells are ringing.
I feel like between the three of us, we could set up a wedding for them.
No way.
Tonight? I think that I could do a way better wedding.
All right, people, I'm in charge.
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG) (PARlS LAUGHS) (WHlSTLlNG)
-You're, like, always single.
So lucky.
-Always.
Right now it's just, like, why do I want somebody annoying me? PARlS: I've never been single.
I always have a boyfriend.
Me, too.
-I hate being alone.
-I'm always a really good girlfriend.
CAROLlNE: I'd never cheat.
-Which is impossible.
-I know.
Guysyou.
NARRA TOR: Meanwhile, downtown, Nicole's primping for a photo shoot with her stylist, Rachel Zoe.
RACHEL: I don't like Honey.
Honey almost killed Foxy.
Why are you still, like, in love with her? -'Cause Honey is, like, amazing.
-Rachel! NlCOLE: These are my children that you're talking about.
I understand, but Wait till you have your first kid.
I'm gonna spit on it.
Spitting on my kids? CAROLlNE: Great, now that you've got your nails done, now you have to go take care of babies and clean.
I am not cleaning with these nails.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? Sweetie, you got to get up.
You're 20 minutes late.
(MOANlNG) Come on.
Nic, honey.
Wake up.
I gotta go.
-Love you.
-Love you.
NARRA TOR: Ready or not, it's time for Paris and Nicole to take turns replacing another housewife.
The girls thrive in the luxury of Hollywood and Beverly Hills but this week they'll be learning about familia in an unfamiliar part of Los Angeles.
(GREETlNG lN SPANlSH) We are the Padilla family.
My name is Angelica Padilla, and I have three daughters, Arielle, Valerie and Miranda, and one son, Jesse.
Every day, in this house, having the four children is very, very challenging.
-ANGELlCA: Val.
-She's here! Val, sit down, please.
(CHATTERlNG lN SPANlSH) Oh, good.
There's, like, 12 bikes in the front yard.
Well, come in! -Hello! -Hi! -How are you? -I'm good.
-ANGELlCA: Welcome to our home.
-Hi.
-This is Miranda.
-Nice to meet you.
I'm Paris.
How are you? Hi.
I'm Nicole.
Nice to be here.
Nice to meet you.
-Hi.
What's your name? -Valerie.
-These are all yours? -ANGELlCA: These are all mine.
Wow, you guys have been busy.
ANGELlCA: Yeah, you could call her Mommy if you want.
Basically, the lesson for today would be how to manage all the children and do everything that needs to be done.
Homeworks are done, chores are done, and dinner is cooked.
I come from a family of four, too.
-I want a big family.
-You want a big family? Yeah, I want five kids.
Today dinner's gonna be enchiladas.
Pozole, it's a Mexican soup.
So you have to go to the market with all four kids.
Today's a special day for Miranda.
She has to have her picture taken today at school.
Bike riding, they love to do that.
Helping the kids with their class projects.
Clean the kitchen, dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom.
You think you can handle that? -Bye.
-PARlS: Bye.
What do you want us to call you all day? Mommy dearest.
NARRA TOR: Nicole's first task is to get four-year-old Miranda dressed and ready for her school picture.
But first, she wants to clarify a few things with Dad.
So, what look were you thinking for her school picture? Like Courtney Love-ish? -Uh, no, maybe more like -Marilyn Manson? Hilary Duff, I was going for.
Like, teenage Hilary Duff, or Hilary Duff right after she got out of bed with Joel Madden? Oh! That's my dress.
-That's the dress you want to wear? -Yeah.
And where's, like, a bra that I can stuff for her? A bra? Well, it's her School Picture Day.
You obviously want her to have bigger boobs.
What do you want to do that for? I told you.
So you can make more friends.
-Do you like that? -Yeah.
-Do you feel like a woman? -Mmm-hmm.
This feels kind of weird.
-lt does? -Yes.
Get used to it.
(STAMMERlNG) She's four.
I don't think the makeup's such a good idea.
Don't you know who JonBenet Ramsey is? I don't think that's school-appropriate.
It's Picture Day.
Do you want her to have no friends? (STAMMERlNG) Just take off the makeup and take off the Shut up, Jess! Shut up and leave us alone! Defend yourself.
Kick him in the baby-maker! Hit him where it hurts.
-Don't you know what that is? -Yeah.
(GRUNTlNG) PARlS: Where are we riding? I don't want to get ran over.
(CAR HORN HONKlNG) I've never been on a bike on the street.
-Have you been on a bike before? -Um I don't remember.
Oh, yeah.
In Malibu, like, when I was 12.
There's no brakes on mine.
Come on, Mom, you can make it.
I'm wearing the worst possible outfit.
(LAUGHlNG) ARlELLE: Well, at least you look cute.
PARlS: Thank you.
That's all that matters.
Should we go show your dad what a hot tamale you are? Look.
(GASPS) Well, what are these? -Hey.
-They're socks.
You can't have socks in there.
You're four.
She put them on them.
I don't know about socks on.
Would you rather gloves? If we could, you know, lose the chest flare-up, it might work a little better for school pictures.
Okay.
Come here.
You got to get a move on.
It's getting late.
-You might miss pictures.
-Okay.
Miranda, let me take a picture of you.
DAD: With the sweater coming off the shoulder? -How cute.
-Sexy.
Okay, guys, you better listen to your new mommy today.
Yeah, okay.
Bye, Dad.
I expect them back in the same condition! MlRANDA: You're a nice mom.
-ls Paris the same way? -Thank you.
NlCOLE: How do you say "bitch" in Spanish? I'm asking.
I think it's puto.
I heard that word in La Bamba.
-What does it mean? -It's the "B" word.
-"Bitch"? -Yeah.
MlRANDA: That's my school right there.
Hi.
I'm Miranda's teacher.
-Hi.
How are you? -Fine.
How are you? -I'm Nicole.
-Nice to meet you.
Hi, Miranda.
Are you ready for Picture Day? -I got make-up on.
-Let me see.
Are you ready? Now, I need the payment for Picture Day.
Oh.
There's a little something extra in there for you, too.
-Okay.
-Thanks, bitch.
Love you.
JESSE: You're gonna have to help us with our projects, grocery shopping, chores, laundry, clean kitchen, dusting, vacuuming, clean the bathroom, and cooking dinner.
So, what is this? Nicole dressed Miranda up for Picture Day, -and she put socks in her shirt.
-MlRANDA: Like boobs.
-Are you serious? -CHlLDREN: Yeah.
And you went to school like that? JESSE: No, my dad told her to take the socks out.
You cannot have this in the yearbook.
I'm gonna have this photographer come over and do, like, a professional photo shoot and just make her look her age, and she's gonna look beautiful.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Hello.
I'm here to take pictures of Miranda for a school picture.
Okay.
JESSE: Yo, what are you doing in there? If you're gonna be a model, you have to be fast in this business.
Everybody, here is the hot señorita.
(LAUGHlNG) Beautiful.
Over here.
So, the first thing we need to teach you is how to pose.
Cute.
And look at the camera.
I love it.
Smile.
(SNARLS) PARlS: Can you hold the fire extinguisher, 'cause you're so hot.
NlCOLE: We have work to do.
Look, your mom gave me this list.
Let's go with the class projects.
Who has a project? What is it? (STAMMERlNG) I have to get information about famous people.
Like, Abraham Lincoln? No, like a famous person.
-What's your project? -Papier-mâché.
-Do you know how to make papier-mâché? -What's that? "Castle project.
"Objective: You must be able to explain the importance of "and structure of a European castle during the Middle Ages.
" (YAWNS) I don't know what any of that means.
All right, let's just build a castle.
How about we dump it on the table? Think we're supposed to put it in a bowl and mix it first.
NlCOLE: "Mix together flour and cold water in a bowl.
"Add this mixture to the boiling water and allow to return to a boil.
" Oh, we're supposed to put it on the stove.
We have to make it so hot it's boiling.
All right, I'm going to go help Valerie with her project while this thickens.
-Okay.
All right.
-Call me if you need anything.
What is that? ARlELLE: We tried to make papier-mâché and that's what we got.
(CLANGlNG) That does not sound good.
Yeah, it's clogged.
I know the perfect person to call.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) -Hi.
-Hey, how you doing? How are you, Limar? -How you been? -Sexy.
Yes, you are.
I have to do an oral report about a historical figure person.
And who were you thinking? Maybe I could do one on you because you're already here.
If you're gonna really do a report, you have to look like me also, don't you think? Mmm-hmm.
I'm gonna make you a mini me.
Come here.
Let me see you.
Well, I love wearing oversized clothes.
This is you? (LAUGHlNG) You wear a lot of stuff.
NlCOLE: But hold on.
My hair is not that long.
-Just try not to cut my hair.
-NlCOLE: I won't.
I promise.
NlCOLE: Short hair's more fun anyway.
LlMAR: Who messed up my sink? PARlS: Not me.
(LlMAR EXCLAlMS) Something that Nicole and her made.
I don't know what it is.
Wow.
We're having an argument.
Who would win in a battle, a tiger with a machine gun or a killer robot? The robot would win because No, he wouldn't.
You don't know anything.
(CLEARS THROAT) (BEEPlNG) Can you braid my hair? -What's political science? -I don't know.
Look in the dictionary.
LlMAR: It looks like the disposal is broken.
I'm gonna have to come back.
So, I've been working with Valerie on her homework.
-Mmm-hmm.
-And she's ready.
I'm excited.
I can't wait to see her report.
Valerie, come down! Who're you supposed to be, by the way? "Hi, I'm recording and television superstar Nicole Richie.
"l was born September 21st, 1981, "but more importantly, I'm a natural blonde.
"During five seasons of The Simple Life, I had the pleasure "of working with one of the most talented performers in Hollywood.
"Of course, I'm talking about my dog Honey Child.
"Thank you and peace out.
" Any questions? I have a question.
Is it difficult walking down the street looking as fabulous as you do? Oh, my goodness.
VALERlE: Could you get me something to eat? JESSE: Can you play a video game with me? (SlGHS) Oh, my God.
(VlDEO GAME PLA YlNG) You're a little girl.
Have I got you mad? (KlDS SHOUTlNG) NARRATOR: The day is nowhere near over and Paris is feeling completely overwhelmed.
(PHONE RlNGS) Listen, I really need your help because I'm watching these four kids and they're just a handful.
NARRA TOR: So she's called in the cavalry.
Thank God.
Hi, Dutch.
NARRA TOR: Paris has had a long morning trying to manage the lovable but overly energetic Padilla kids.
Fortunately, her Aunt Kyle has arrived to help out just in the nick of time.
-Hi, Dutch.
-How are you? I want to play.
-Take off the diamonds.
-The jewelry? Mine are up here.
I love how you're making me do this.
Is that necklace made out of gold or Where'd you get those shoes? Did you kill a leopard to get that jacket? -JESSE: Why do you look like Paris? -Because we're related.
-VALERlE: Are you her grandma? -No! (LAUGHlNG) Do I look like her grandma? Don't answer that.
KYLE: I think it looks good for now.
Let's just go and get some food from the supermarket before it closes.
Guys, let's go to the store.
Yeah! Oh, my God, I haven't seen a pay phone in so long.
I know.
Nobody uses them anymore.
She forgot the list.
You didn't bring the list? PARlS: You can get whatever you want.
NlCOLE: Okay, grab the cheese.
JESSE: Okay.
KYLE: Cheddar.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) Want some cock-flavored soup mix? We definitely need some cock-flavored soup mix, don't you think? Yeah.
(GlGGLES) NlCOLE: You want this? It has alcohol in it.
You crazy woman.
It's okay.
It's Sprite.
Paris, can you get that gun down for me? MlRANDA: Paris! Paris! Paris! PARlS: Those babies look sick.
JESSE: Why do I want a do-rag? Because if you wanna look sexy for the girls, then you're gonna have to wear one.
I don't wanna look sexy.
NARRA TOR: Jesse Jr.
's been trying the girls 'patience all day, so Nicole decides to give him a little extra attention.
Everybody, we ha ve a hot bachelor running loose.
His name is Jesse.
He 's got long brown hair, beautiful almond eyes and a big And he is looking for a date.
ARlELLE: Nicole, that's my brother! That's embarrassing.
Anyone that knows how to make enchiladas, please meet me at the register.
-GlRL: Right here.
-No.
Hi.
Could you, maybe, come to my house at 6:00 p.
m.
and make some enchiladas? 'Cause I have four screaming kids and I'm really not gonna have the time.
MARGARlTA: Okay.
-You will? -Yeah.
Thanks.
(SPEAKS SPANlSH) (LAUGHlNG) I'm gonna get you for this.
PARlS: So, so far we went bike riding.
So we exercised.
I helped with the class projects.
I cleaned your room, I went grocery shopping.
And now it's time for chores.
-I don't want to.
-I don't want to.
I don't want to, either.
-So let's just go have some fun.
-Okay.
-I'm sick of it.
-Oh, my God, don't shoot us.
Go upstairs and get your swimsuits.
JESSE: Are we going to your house? PARlS: It's a surprise.
-Are you gonna ground us? -PARlS: No.
-What's up? -Nothing.
So you have oranges.
Do you have anything else, Iike grapefruits or tangerines, bananas, apples? (KlDS CHATTERlNG) -No.
-Okay, we'll take four.
-Okay, where's your car? -Where's my car? (DOG BARKlNG) NlCOLE: Yeah.
I'm definitely starting to get a little tired.
You're just carrying your purse and yourself.
Wait, are we missing a kid? PARlS: So, this is my house.
-This is your house? Your house? -Yeah.
That's Tinkerbell.
PARlS: I'll give you guys a tour.
This is Tokyo.
I like Tokyo, too.
(GROWLlNG) So, Paris, what kind of rules do you have here? Just have fun and do whatever you want.
Will we get in trouble if we break something? Yes.
That's the only rule.
Do not break anything.
NARRA TOR: Back at the Padilla house, they're still missing a kid and dinner's nowhere near ready.
So Nicole has a lot on her mind.
(HORN BLOWS) NARRA TOR: Fortunately, little Miranda made it home safe and sound.
I thought you were going to help.
NlCOLE: All right, you guys clean up.
Margarita and I are going to start cooking.
Okay, well, you gotta wait for the chicken to be done.
You can start making them with just cheese.
You want to make them just with cheese? ARlELLE: Cheese makes me constipated.
Cannonball! MlRANDA: I like your bathing suit.
Thanks.
(EXCLAlMS) It's cold.
Isn't this better than doing chores? CHlLDREN: Yeah! NlCOLE: How's dinner? What's for dessert? You only said enchiladas.
Come on, guys, let's go.
NARRA TOR: The enchiladas are almost done, but Nicole still wants dessert, so she gets back to work.
Does anyone know how to make dessert? (SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) If Margarita's still there, she can translate for you.
I'm moving all by myself.
Stay closer.
She can't reach that wall.
She can't reach that Okay.
There you go.
Okay, come up.
You're scaring me.
My Gucci boots.
(SQUEALS) -Can I have friends over for dinner? -Yeah.
Do they like cock-flavored soup? My friend Jimmy, he likes cock soup.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Hi.
How are you? You're just in time to help clean.
We're just cleaning the living room.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) You're just in time to clean.
(GREETlNG lN SPANlSH) Hi.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) (SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) La comida is ready.
Okay.
You guys hungry? MlRANDA: I want ketchup and mustard.
Well, say please.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) (KlDS SNlCKERlNG) I hope you all had a fun day today, and you're really nice kids.
So, amen.
CHlLDREN: Amen.
(ALL LAUGHlNG) NlCOLE: Everyone just sit down.
Does anyone want a beer? ANGELlCA: Hey, guys.
NlCOLE: Hi, guys.
How did it go? It went great.
I figured if I was cooking for four, I might as well cook for eight.
And I baked a cake, also.
ALL: Wow.
DAD: That actually looks pretty good.
Thank you.
-Guys? We're home.
-Guys, we're home.
Kids? Oh, my goodness, honey, look at this living room.
What happened here? Guys? Maybe they're just hiding from us.
Did you check the backyard? ANGELlCA: Yeah, but nobody's out there.
I mean, their bikes are still there.
It looks like somebody ransacked the house, too.
DAD: Where's Paris? Dude, I'm gonna kill her.
ANGELlCA: Paris is in big trouble.
Where did the kids go? I don't know what's going on.
What are we gonna do? NARRA TOR: While the Padillas fear for their children's safety, Iittle do they know they've been thriving in Paris ' closet.
Look at this thing, it's pretty.
(CHORTLES) Is there, like, just like a little black dress? Look in the black section.
Oh, these are much prettier.
Can we go downstairs with them? KYLE: They're a little hard to walk in, though, aren't they? No.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) Wait one second.
Be careful.
Hold on the railing.
Go slowly.
(DOG BARKlNG) (EXCLAlMlNG) -Oh, my God.
-The shoe fell off.
(DOORBELL RlNGlNG) -Come in.
-Do you have our kids? (GROWLlNG) Yeah.
-Dude, you had us worried.
-I left a note.
ANGELlCA: Guys.
Where were you? DAD: You guys had us worried.
We got home and nobody was home.
We were looking around for everybody.
This is her house.
-Did you guys have a good time? -Mmm-hmm.
MlRANDA: Mommy! (MlRANDA SCREAMlNG) So how did it go with the kids? It was fun.
Yeah, we had fun.
We went bike riding, we went to the market.
The kids' projects went well.
Valerie had a project and she wanted to talk about a historical figure, so she talked about me.
We had hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
And did you cook this? -My bodyguard did.
-Okay.
Do you still want to have five children after today? I do.
Maybe two kids.
Because four is a lot of work.
-Bye, Nicole.
-Bye, Miranda.
JESSE: Today with Nicole was, kind of, you know, up and down situations.
Some things were good, and some things went down to bad.
But it was all a really fun day.
-Thank you very much.
-Bye.
DAD: Nicole seemed a little more outspoken.
She got along really well with the kids.
Didn't seem bothered at all.
You know, I respect that.
-Thanks for having us.
-Don't forget your purses.
I would like Paris to have learned that when she's coming to a house with a lot of kids she needs to be prepared.
(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) ALL: Bye.
Thank you.
(PARlS SPEAKlNG SPANlSH) DAD: Bye! PARlS: That was exhausting.
Thank God I only have dogs.
NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life wedding bells are ringing.
I feel like between the three of us, we could set up a wedding for them.
No way.
Tonight? I think that I could do a way better wedding.
All right, people, I'm in charge.
(PEOPLE CHEERlNG) (PARlS LAUGHS) (WHlSTLlNG)