The Wonder Years s04e04 Episode Script
The Cost of Living
What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears, and I'll sing you a song I will try not to sing out of key, yeah Oh, baby, I get by By with a little help from my friends All I need is my buddies High with a little help from my friends I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher - Try with a little help from my friends - Whoa-oa-oa-oa, yeah - Ooh, ooh, ooh While all indicators suggest the U.
S.
economy is an ocean of prosperity, there still exist islands of stagnation, where growth is at a virtual standstill.
We'll be back with more news.
Unbelievable.
Every Sunday night, once the dishes were cleared, my father would referee a battle between his income and his outgo.
$16.
34 for the damn phone company? And from the looks of it, the outgo packed some pretty fair punches.
Who the hell's been leaving the lights on?! Spectators who knew the circuit laid low.
Highway robbery.
By the time the final blow had landed, that old income would be reduced to such a measly balance that, in our house, we had a word for that negligible chunk of change.
Allowance! There's the word.
[ Metal scraping .]
[ Creaks .]
"Allowance" the lifeblood of adolescence.
The fine line between expectation and reality.
Not to imply we weren't grateful for dad's largesse.
We just Weren't.
Come on, dad.
Give me a break here.
I got to live, you know gas, girls.
But when it came to taking pity on our financial lifestyles, dad was impervious.
You know what the problem with you boys is? Uhoh.
[ Whip cracks .]
You don't understand the value of the dollar.
[ Whip cracks .]
When I was your age, I had to walk to school Blizzards! Outdoor plumbing! Faced with a barrage of this magnitude, resistance was futile.
I can't believe this.
[ Scoffs .]
Kev? Still, no sense looking a gift horse in the mouth, especially one the size of my father.
Here, dad.
[ Creaks .]
[ Slams .]
[ Metal scraping .]
[ Lock clicks .]
No getting around it Thanks.
The buck stopped here.
I mean, hey You can't squeeze sympathy from a stone.
Sympathy from those in my tax bracket, however, was easier to come by.
I'm barely getting by as it is.
Unbelievable.
By the fall of 9th grade, poverty was making paupers of us all most of us, anyway.
Whoa! Check out Kovinsky! Mark Kovinsky the Howard Hughes of RFK.
He had more money than general motors.
Naturally, we all admired him.
I hate him.
That jacket must have cost a fortune.
What I wouldn't give for that wardrobe.
On our allowances? Forget it! Facts were facts In macroeconomic terms.
as far as it used to.
Wait a minute.
Did he say Pretty disgusting, huh? Yeah, I'll say.
Pretty soon I'm gonna have to dip into my savings account.
Paul was building an investment portfolio while I was living on cold beans.
[ Sighs .]
5 bucks a week.
Why? What are you getting? Oh, uh It's in the $5 ballpark.
Uh-huh, if the ballpark was the size of Kansas.
It's almost embarrassing! Oh, but don't tell anyone, okay? I don't want them to think my father's cheap.
[ Creaks, slams .]
Oh, no.
Not a word.
But, suddenly, one thing was clear Dad and I had business to conduct.
Right here, right now.
[ Briefcase slams .]
Or maybe it could wait.
Hi, honey.
Why so late? Ken Stein.
New fool in management.
He's busting my hump, Norma.
Aw, Jack.
Ahh.
He's working me like a dog.
What does he think I am, his own personal lackey? [ Grumbling .]
But hold on.
Maybe this wasn't gonna be so hard.
Dad? Maybe dad and I were thinking along the same lines here.
Maybe he'd be sympathetic to the plight of the downtrodden.
It's about my allowance.
You know, I've been thinking I-I'm in 9th grade now, and, uh, well Okay.
Time for a clincher.
Something telling, something tactful.
Paul's father gives him $5 a week.
[ Buzzer .]
Uh-oh.
I'd just broken the cardinal rule of child-parent negotiations never compare them to their peers.
You want a raise in your allowance? - Fine.
- Huh? But you're gonna have to do some more chores.
Chores? Chores? I can do chores.
I work hard for my paycheck.
You can work hard for yours.
Hard work? No problem! Workin' in a coal mine Goin' down, down, down Workin' in a coal mine Whoop! About to slip down Nope, hard work never hurt anybody.
Workin' in a coal mine Whoop! About to slip down Hard work good for the body, good for the soul.
I'm already up and gone It's what this country was founded on.
Lord, I'm so tired How long can this go on? Dada workin' in a coal mine Goin' down, down, down Workin' in a coal mine But beyond all the blood, sweat, and backbreaking labor, there was a sense of satisfaction Let's see accomplishment impending wealth.
[ Change jingles .]
Chintz.
[ Cash register dings .]
I can't believe it! I practically rebuilt the whole house! All right, well, how much did he pay you? That's not the point! The point is the guy's busting my hump! The point is working for your dad, huh? [ Chuckles .]
Great "diamond" Jim Kovinsky himself.
Kovinsky, what do you know about it? Are you kidding? I started out the same way you did bucking for allowance, working for peanuts.
And then one day, I woke up.
Huh? What's your dad do? None of your business.
A working man.
Mine too.
Yeah.
So? So Who says you have to be like your dad? [ Cash register dings .]
Adolescence is filled with moments of great revelation.
This was one of them.
Where'd you get that? On the 18th green of the whispering grass golf course.
You made 20 bucks caddying? Cash tip.
Not bad for four hours in the fresh air.
You've got two choices, Arnold be like your dad Or be your own man.
See ya.
I had only one question.
Dad, can I be a caddie? Huh? Well, you see, there's this guy at school who what do you know about golf? Seemed to me he was missing the point here.
Well, uh, maybe I-I could learn.
Caddie? [ Chuckles .]
A wuss like you? Shut up, Wayne.
Honey, don't caddies have to carry around all those heavy bags? Seemed like everyone was missing the point.
Look, mark Kovinsky makes There 'nuff said! The old bottom line.
Try saying no to that! I don't think so.
[ Telephone rings .]
- What?! Hello? I couldn't believe it! Jack? It's Ken.
Here I'd laid out a plan for total lifetime financial solvency, and he turns me down? Thanks.
[ Clears throat .]
Yeah, Ken.
No, no.
Don't worry about it.
That's what I'm here for.
Whatever you say, Ken.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye.
[ Clears throat .]
Damn.
And that's when it hit me Kovinsky was right.
I had two choices be like my dad Or be my own man.
Where do I sign up? A free agent.
A man of wealth.
A caddie.
Behold the working man.
Whatever you say, Ken.
Behold the future millionaire.
It's Saturday.
You sure we need to work on [ sighs .]
Okay, fine.
Where? By the next weekend, this much was obvious my dad and I were headed in opposite directions.
Fine.
Yeah, bye.
Wish me luck, dad? Not that I didn't want his blessings.
Don't fall in the lake.
But if that's the way he wanted it, I could handle it.
I was my own man now.
A man among Many more experienced men.
Chandler, meet your golfer at the first tee.
Go get him, Eddie.
Still, I wasn't worried.
I was a dedicated professional Culver, you're up! A highly trained specialist Coleman! Norklen! Fowler! An obvious unemployable.
It was beginning to look like I was gonna lose money on the day.
Arnold! What are you doing here? Oh.
I-I, uh I get it.
[ Chuckles .]
You're waiting for the big one, aren't you? Remember that $20 tip I told you about? Well That's the bag.
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! .]
And suddenly, I knew.
That bag was destined for just one pair of shoulders.
Arnold! Mine! Yep, my fortune was made, thanks to patience, tenacity, and, of course Ken Stein.
Looks like we're together for 18.
Kevin.
Got a firm grip there, Kevin.
I like a man with a firm grip.
Let's see Firm grip? That'd probably be worth at least $3.
75 right there.
Thanks, Mr.
Stein.
Call me Ken! "Ken.
" It was a good name A golfer's name.
The name Son, we're gonna have kind of a working session.
You don't mind a little shoptalk, do you? Of my father's boss.
Jack, come over here and meet young Kevin.
Kevin.
It was a critical juncture.
Jack.
But we handled it well, like total strangers.
Live and let live.
Isn't he a little small to be a caddie? Make that every man for himself.
Hey! I can carry my weight.
That's the spirit I like to see.
Arnold, you want to do the honors? [ Clears throat .]
So, the prelims were over.
We were on our way.
Me, heading for easy street My dad [ Zoom! .]
[ Clunk! .]
Heading for the rough.
Tough way to start, Arnold.
You wouldn't mind if I kept score, would you? Whatever you say, Ken.
Let's play golf.
Over the first few holes, it became apparent this wasn't my father's day.
I, on the other hand, was basking in the sunlight of future riches.
Nice shot, sir.
Ken.
Call me Ken.
Ken.
Yep, 20 bucks a loop, 4 loops a week Carry the 4 Easy money Dagnabit! For a guy who knew how to smooth out the rough spots.
You know, they don't clip these Greens very well.
You're darn right.
Face it.
When it came to dealing with management problems, I had a certain Flair.
Ah, nice.
I believe that puts us You know, I got my start as a caddie.
Really? Yep, I felt kind of a kinship to this guy.
He reminded me of Me a real winner [ Ducks quacking .]
Damn! In contrast to my previous role model.
In fact, by the time we reached the halfway point, I was almost feeling sorry for the old man.
I figure you about 7 strokes off the pace, Arnold.
Tell you what maybe I ought to play left-handed a few holes.
[ Laughs .]
Whatever you say, Ken.
Tell you what what say I buy us all some sodas, huh? I'm all right.
You? Sure.
That's the spirit.
Aha! Spirit, I had Plus a shoulder that was killing me.
How you holding up? What? It's a big bag must be heavy.
Well You don't have to kill yourself, you know? He can finish with another caddie.
Another caddie? So, that was his game.
Hey, you don't have to worry about me, all right? Suit yourself.
And I would.
I didn't need his help.
Here we go.
I had upper management.
Say, Jack, I've been thinking And then upper management made one little mistake.
Maybe it's your clubs.
They're too old.
Cheap, you know? - [ Groans .]
Maybe if you put a little money in your bag, you might give us more of a match, huh? And suddenly all bets were off.
Well [Sighs.]
Let's just see what these old clubs can do.
Ouch! Mama! Goodbye! Not bad there, Arnold.
Not bad? Not bad?! Those old clubs had banged out some of the most beautiful shots in the annals of golf.
[ Wings flapping .]
And as dad's game turned into gold, Mr.
Stein turned into Mr.
Hyde.
Hell! Uh, it it was a difficult shot.
Look, when I want your advice, I'll ask for it.
Just keep the clubs clean, will you? Okay.
The funny thing is, the smaller my tip began to look, the heavier that bag got.
[ Birds screeching .]
By the 18th fairway, I'd learned something interesting.
The whispering grass back nine measures exactly 4,000 Miles tee to green.
Caddie! Let's hustle it up, huh?! But I wasn't giving up.
I was gonna make that easy money or die trying.
Whichever came first.
Tough lie, Ken.
Still, there was no reason to panic.
It was the last hole, and dad was 3 strokes behind.
Make that 2.
Make that 1.
And then It happened.
Damn it all! But it was more than just a $51 copper-faced, Billy Casper, all-pro sand wedge that disappeared into that lake.
Get it! It was my dignity.
Pardon? You heard me.
Bring it to me.
And suddenly I felt very alone.
Well, son? It was up to me.
I didn't have to go fetch.
I could have told that guy what I thought of him right there, right then.
I But for some reason, at that moment, I heard myself utter four words I'd heard somewhere before.
Whatever you say, Ken.
And so, after 18 holes spent counting future riches, it all came down to this.
You sink this one and you beat me, Arnold.
Here I was, up to my knees in mud, while my workaday dad was about to carry off the prize.
It was the easiest putt he'd had all day and he missed it by a good 3 feet.
But that wasn't all.
[ Sighs .]
He missed the next one, too.
That was a long, long day [ Chuckles .]
And somehow, all of a sudden, I understood why.
Ready? Uh, yeah.
Ready.
That day, I began to realize something about this man I was trying so hard not to be like.
How you holding up? I'm a little tired.
He understood the value of money and the cost of it.
Hey, it's too bad about that putt.
A putt's a putt.
You could have made it, dad.
Maybe.
I guess dad knew he could lose a game and still not lose his manhood.
His pride didn't hinge on a stupid shot or some shiny, new clubs.
And I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted to use my money for.
Dad? Can I buy you lunch? Whatever you say, Kev.
It was the first time I ever really said thank you to the man for all he'd given me.
S.
economy is an ocean of prosperity, there still exist islands of stagnation, where growth is at a virtual standstill.
We'll be back with more news.
Unbelievable.
Every Sunday night, once the dishes were cleared, my father would referee a battle between his income and his outgo.
$16.
34 for the damn phone company? And from the looks of it, the outgo packed some pretty fair punches.
Who the hell's been leaving the lights on?! Spectators who knew the circuit laid low.
Highway robbery.
By the time the final blow had landed, that old income would be reduced to such a measly balance that, in our house, we had a word for that negligible chunk of change.
Allowance! There's the word.
[ Metal scraping .]
[ Creaks .]
"Allowance" the lifeblood of adolescence.
The fine line between expectation and reality.
Not to imply we weren't grateful for dad's largesse.
We just Weren't.
Come on, dad.
Give me a break here.
I got to live, you know gas, girls.
But when it came to taking pity on our financial lifestyles, dad was impervious.
You know what the problem with you boys is? Uhoh.
[ Whip cracks .]
You don't understand the value of the dollar.
[ Whip cracks .]
When I was your age, I had to walk to school Blizzards! Outdoor plumbing! Faced with a barrage of this magnitude, resistance was futile.
I can't believe this.
[ Scoffs .]
Kev? Still, no sense looking a gift horse in the mouth, especially one the size of my father.
Here, dad.
[ Creaks .]
[ Slams .]
[ Metal scraping .]
[ Lock clicks .]
No getting around it Thanks.
The buck stopped here.
I mean, hey You can't squeeze sympathy from a stone.
Sympathy from those in my tax bracket, however, was easier to come by.
I'm barely getting by as it is.
Unbelievable.
By the fall of 9th grade, poverty was making paupers of us all most of us, anyway.
Whoa! Check out Kovinsky! Mark Kovinsky the Howard Hughes of RFK.
He had more money than general motors.
Naturally, we all admired him.
I hate him.
That jacket must have cost a fortune.
What I wouldn't give for that wardrobe.
On our allowances? Forget it! Facts were facts In macroeconomic terms.
as far as it used to.
Wait a minute.
Did he say Pretty disgusting, huh? Yeah, I'll say.
Pretty soon I'm gonna have to dip into my savings account.
Paul was building an investment portfolio while I was living on cold beans.
[ Sighs .]
5 bucks a week.
Why? What are you getting? Oh, uh It's in the $5 ballpark.
Uh-huh, if the ballpark was the size of Kansas.
It's almost embarrassing! Oh, but don't tell anyone, okay? I don't want them to think my father's cheap.
[ Creaks, slams .]
Oh, no.
Not a word.
But, suddenly, one thing was clear Dad and I had business to conduct.
Right here, right now.
[ Briefcase slams .]
Or maybe it could wait.
Hi, honey.
Why so late? Ken Stein.
New fool in management.
He's busting my hump, Norma.
Aw, Jack.
Ahh.
He's working me like a dog.
What does he think I am, his own personal lackey? [ Grumbling .]
But hold on.
Maybe this wasn't gonna be so hard.
Dad? Maybe dad and I were thinking along the same lines here.
Maybe he'd be sympathetic to the plight of the downtrodden.
It's about my allowance.
You know, I've been thinking I-I'm in 9th grade now, and, uh, well Okay.
Time for a clincher.
Something telling, something tactful.
Paul's father gives him $5 a week.
[ Buzzer .]
Uh-oh.
I'd just broken the cardinal rule of child-parent negotiations never compare them to their peers.
You want a raise in your allowance? - Fine.
- Huh? But you're gonna have to do some more chores.
Chores? Chores? I can do chores.
I work hard for my paycheck.
You can work hard for yours.
Hard work? No problem! Workin' in a coal mine Goin' down, down, down Workin' in a coal mine Whoop! About to slip down Nope, hard work never hurt anybody.
Workin' in a coal mine Whoop! About to slip down Hard work good for the body, good for the soul.
I'm already up and gone It's what this country was founded on.
Lord, I'm so tired How long can this go on? Dada workin' in a coal mine Goin' down, down, down Workin' in a coal mine But beyond all the blood, sweat, and backbreaking labor, there was a sense of satisfaction Let's see accomplishment impending wealth.
[ Change jingles .]
Chintz.
[ Cash register dings .]
I can't believe it! I practically rebuilt the whole house! All right, well, how much did he pay you? That's not the point! The point is the guy's busting my hump! The point is working for your dad, huh? [ Chuckles .]
Great "diamond" Jim Kovinsky himself.
Kovinsky, what do you know about it? Are you kidding? I started out the same way you did bucking for allowance, working for peanuts.
And then one day, I woke up.
Huh? What's your dad do? None of your business.
A working man.
Mine too.
Yeah.
So? So Who says you have to be like your dad? [ Cash register dings .]
Adolescence is filled with moments of great revelation.
This was one of them.
Where'd you get that? On the 18th green of the whispering grass golf course.
You made 20 bucks caddying? Cash tip.
Not bad for four hours in the fresh air.
You've got two choices, Arnold be like your dad Or be your own man.
See ya.
I had only one question.
Dad, can I be a caddie? Huh? Well, you see, there's this guy at school who what do you know about golf? Seemed to me he was missing the point here.
Well, uh, maybe I-I could learn.
Caddie? [ Chuckles .]
A wuss like you? Shut up, Wayne.
Honey, don't caddies have to carry around all those heavy bags? Seemed like everyone was missing the point.
Look, mark Kovinsky makes There 'nuff said! The old bottom line.
Try saying no to that! I don't think so.
[ Telephone rings .]
- What?! Hello? I couldn't believe it! Jack? It's Ken.
Here I'd laid out a plan for total lifetime financial solvency, and he turns me down? Thanks.
[ Clears throat .]
Yeah, Ken.
No, no.
Don't worry about it.
That's what I'm here for.
Whatever you say, Ken.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bye.
[ Clears throat .]
Damn.
And that's when it hit me Kovinsky was right.
I had two choices be like my dad Or be my own man.
Where do I sign up? A free agent.
A man of wealth.
A caddie.
Behold the working man.
Whatever you say, Ken.
Behold the future millionaire.
It's Saturday.
You sure we need to work on [ sighs .]
Okay, fine.
Where? By the next weekend, this much was obvious my dad and I were headed in opposite directions.
Fine.
Yeah, bye.
Wish me luck, dad? Not that I didn't want his blessings.
Don't fall in the lake.
But if that's the way he wanted it, I could handle it.
I was my own man now.
A man among Many more experienced men.
Chandler, meet your golfer at the first tee.
Go get him, Eddie.
Still, I wasn't worried.
I was a dedicated professional Culver, you're up! A highly trained specialist Coleman! Norklen! Fowler! An obvious unemployable.
It was beginning to look like I was gonna lose money on the day.
Arnold! What are you doing here? Oh.
I-I, uh I get it.
[ Chuckles .]
You're waiting for the big one, aren't you? Remember that $20 tip I told you about? Well That's the bag.
[ Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! .]
And suddenly, I knew.
That bag was destined for just one pair of shoulders.
Arnold! Mine! Yep, my fortune was made, thanks to patience, tenacity, and, of course Ken Stein.
Looks like we're together for 18.
Kevin.
Got a firm grip there, Kevin.
I like a man with a firm grip.
Let's see Firm grip? That'd probably be worth at least $3.
75 right there.
Thanks, Mr.
Stein.
Call me Ken! "Ken.
" It was a good name A golfer's name.
The name Son, we're gonna have kind of a working session.
You don't mind a little shoptalk, do you? Of my father's boss.
Jack, come over here and meet young Kevin.
Kevin.
It was a critical juncture.
Jack.
But we handled it well, like total strangers.
Live and let live.
Isn't he a little small to be a caddie? Make that every man for himself.
Hey! I can carry my weight.
That's the spirit I like to see.
Arnold, you want to do the honors? [ Clears throat .]
So, the prelims were over.
We were on our way.
Me, heading for easy street My dad [ Zoom! .]
[ Clunk! .]
Heading for the rough.
Tough way to start, Arnold.
You wouldn't mind if I kept score, would you? Whatever you say, Ken.
Let's play golf.
Over the first few holes, it became apparent this wasn't my father's day.
I, on the other hand, was basking in the sunlight of future riches.
Nice shot, sir.
Ken.
Call me Ken.
Ken.
Yep, 20 bucks a loop, 4 loops a week Carry the 4 Easy money Dagnabit! For a guy who knew how to smooth out the rough spots.
You know, they don't clip these Greens very well.
You're darn right.
Face it.
When it came to dealing with management problems, I had a certain Flair.
Ah, nice.
I believe that puts us You know, I got my start as a caddie.
Really? Yep, I felt kind of a kinship to this guy.
He reminded me of Me a real winner [ Ducks quacking .]
Damn! In contrast to my previous role model.
In fact, by the time we reached the halfway point, I was almost feeling sorry for the old man.
I figure you about 7 strokes off the pace, Arnold.
Tell you what maybe I ought to play left-handed a few holes.
[ Laughs .]
Whatever you say, Ken.
Tell you what what say I buy us all some sodas, huh? I'm all right.
You? Sure.
That's the spirit.
Aha! Spirit, I had Plus a shoulder that was killing me.
How you holding up? What? It's a big bag must be heavy.
Well You don't have to kill yourself, you know? He can finish with another caddie.
Another caddie? So, that was his game.
Hey, you don't have to worry about me, all right? Suit yourself.
And I would.
I didn't need his help.
Here we go.
I had upper management.
Say, Jack, I've been thinking And then upper management made one little mistake.
Maybe it's your clubs.
They're too old.
Cheap, you know? - [ Groans .]
Maybe if you put a little money in your bag, you might give us more of a match, huh? And suddenly all bets were off.
Well [Sighs.]
Let's just see what these old clubs can do.
Ouch! Mama! Goodbye! Not bad there, Arnold.
Not bad? Not bad?! Those old clubs had banged out some of the most beautiful shots in the annals of golf.
[ Wings flapping .]
And as dad's game turned into gold, Mr.
Stein turned into Mr.
Hyde.
Hell! Uh, it it was a difficult shot.
Look, when I want your advice, I'll ask for it.
Just keep the clubs clean, will you? Okay.
The funny thing is, the smaller my tip began to look, the heavier that bag got.
[ Birds screeching .]
By the 18th fairway, I'd learned something interesting.
The whispering grass back nine measures exactly 4,000 Miles tee to green.
Caddie! Let's hustle it up, huh?! But I wasn't giving up.
I was gonna make that easy money or die trying.
Whichever came first.
Tough lie, Ken.
Still, there was no reason to panic.
It was the last hole, and dad was 3 strokes behind.
Make that 2.
Make that 1.
And then It happened.
Damn it all! But it was more than just a $51 copper-faced, Billy Casper, all-pro sand wedge that disappeared into that lake.
Get it! It was my dignity.
Pardon? You heard me.
Bring it to me.
And suddenly I felt very alone.
Well, son? It was up to me.
I didn't have to go fetch.
I could have told that guy what I thought of him right there, right then.
I But for some reason, at that moment, I heard myself utter four words I'd heard somewhere before.
Whatever you say, Ken.
And so, after 18 holes spent counting future riches, it all came down to this.
You sink this one and you beat me, Arnold.
Here I was, up to my knees in mud, while my workaday dad was about to carry off the prize.
It was the easiest putt he'd had all day and he missed it by a good 3 feet.
But that wasn't all.
[ Sighs .]
He missed the next one, too.
That was a long, long day [ Chuckles .]
And somehow, all of a sudden, I understood why.
Ready? Uh, yeah.
Ready.
That day, I began to realize something about this man I was trying so hard not to be like.
How you holding up? I'm a little tired.
He understood the value of money and the cost of it.
Hey, it's too bad about that putt.
A putt's a putt.
You could have made it, dad.
Maybe.
I guess dad knew he could lose a game and still not lose his manhood.
His pride didn't hinge on a stupid shot or some shiny, new clubs.
And I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted to use my money for.
Dad? Can I buy you lunch? Whatever you say, Kev.
It was the first time I ever really said thank you to the man for all he'd given me.