Two Doors Down (2016) s04e04 Episode Script
Graham & Sandra
Oh, that's them now.
Oh, right.
Let's get a look at them then.
Oh, nice car.
Oh, Gordon looks like his dad, doesn't he? Yeah, a bit.
Oh, she's shorter than I'd imagined.
Yeah, cos Gordon's tall, isn't he? I suppose he is, yeah.
Well, English folk have to be tall.
What do you mean? Oh, so they can look down their noses at us.
This programme contains strong language.
And this my dad.
Dad, this is Mr Baird.
Eric, it's Eric.
Pleased to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too, I'm Graham.
And this is my mum.
Mum, this is Sandra.
Hello, Sandra, I'm Beth.
Oh, hello, Beth, lovely to meet you, thanks so much for inviting us.
Oh.
Oh, not at all.
We can't guarantee you the weather but we can promise you a warm welcome.
Oh, before I forget, here's something for you.
Aw.
Oh, you needn't have bothered.
Well, it's just a little something.
You know what they say - never turn up to a stranger's house empty handed.
Oh, well, we're not strangers any more, are we? No, we're almost family.
I mean, not quite, but sort of family.
Aye.
Well, eh, come on through and sit down, eh? Thank you.
Thank you.
This is lovely.
Oh, thanks.
So you, uh, you drove up yesterday, did you? We did, Eric, yes, lovely drive up.
Oh, well, that's good.
Stayed at ours last night, me and Ian slept on the settee.
I mean, actually slept, not First time in Scotland? It is, yes.
It is, yes.
Really? It is, yes.
I don't know we'd never been up before, but Because we always go to France for our holidays.
I supposes, yes.
Bonjour, Madame.
Oh! Bonjour, Gordon.
Gordon practically spent his whole childhood on the beaches of Normandy, Eric.
Mine was a bit of a war zone too.
Oh, well, I'll, uh, I'll tell you, if you like beaches, there's some terrific ones up north.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's funny that.
You don't associate Scotland with beaches, do you? No, more sort of rain and Mountains.
Yeah, mountains.
Rain and mountains and Smoked salmon.
They're going up north for a few days, aren't you? Yeah, we thought we'd drive up to Skye.
Oh, lovely.
Skye is beautiful.
We went whale watching there once, remember, Beth? Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Did you see any? Well, I think so, aye.
Beth thought it was an old tyre, so Is it Yorkshire you stay? It is, yes.
Just outside Skipton, Beth.
Oh, is that where you're from? I am.
I've lived there all my life.
Yorkshire lass born and bred.
You know, if ever we go anywhere, and anyone says, "Where are you "from?" I always say England, but she's like, "Yorkshire, Graham!" That's like us when we go up abroad.
We always say we're from Scotland, don't we, Beth? And if somebody says, "Are you British?" we always say, "Scottish," don't we, Beth? Yes, Eric.
Aye, don't start all that, Dad.
DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.
Oh, it's you.
Did I just see Ian and Gordon with a man and a woman? Yes.
Who, are they? They're Gordon's mum and dad.
Oh, I see.
Is there trouble? No, there's no trouble, Christine, they're just up visiting.
Oh, that's nice.
Are they from England? Yes, they're from England.
Whereabouts? Yorkshire.
Yorkshire.
I sometimes buy Yorkshire teabags.
Do you? I wonder what they would make of that.
And is it quite a close-knit neighbourhood or do people tend to keep themselves to themselves? Well, they're Hello, there.
Hello.
Oh, God.
Sorry to intrude, I just came in to have a word with Beth, but he insisted on dragging me in here to meet you.
I'm Christine.
Sandra, I'm Gordon's mum.
Oh, how do you do, Sandra? I live next door.
Uh, Graham.
Good to meet you.
I expect Gordon's told you all about me, huh? Um He's a good pal.
Oh, we sat next to each other at Christmas dinner, didn't we, Gordon? We did.
Mm-hmm.
Good steady hand on him when he was dishing up my carrots - slippery wee bastards when they're buttered, you know what I'm saying, Sandra? Come on, budge up, there we go.
Oh, ah.
That's better, eh? Oh.
So, is there trouble? Sorry? Well, I thought maybe he'd caught something from him, you know.
Is it lice? Here, Beth, you better get those beds stripped ASAP.
Christine, they're just up for a visit.
So, Yorkshire, eh? Yes.
I must say, I like your tea.
You must be very proud.
Uh, they've never been in Scotland before, Christine, have you? Nope.
Have you not? Never.
It seems lovely so far, though, I must say.
No matter where you go in Scotland, you can be guaranteed a warm welcome and a big dose of Scottish hospitality, even if you are English.
They're going to do a bit of touring about while they're here, aren't you? Mm, got an old Triumph we drove up in.
Can't wait to get it on to the country roads.
Oh, I saw that, that's beautiful.
What is it, is it a Stag, is it? Eric, don't get him started on it.
It's my pride and joy, that is.
So, where are you off to then? Well, a few places.
We'd quite like to see Edinburgh.
Oh, lovely.
Used to be bad for the junkies, though, Sandra, but on the other hand, they've got a good castle.
And we read something about the Glenfinnan Viaduct.
Where's that? Oh, they filmed some of Harry Potter up there.
Oh, fucking kids running aboot in capes.
But we're definitely, definitely going to Skye.
Oh, now, Skye, that is absolutely beautiful.
That's what everyone says, yes.
? Speed bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing ? Over the sea to Skye.
? Course, they've got that bridge, noo, so that's that fucked, intit? So, who'd like a cup of tea? Oh, lovely.
Thank you.
Right, uh, coffee or tea, Graham? Uh, coffee please, Beth.
Sandra? Uh, do you have any herbal tea by any chance? Oh, I don't think I do actually.
Oh, a glass of water would be just fine.
Eh, no, no, no, I might have something.
Did we not have peppermint tea when you had that upset stomach? Do you like chamomile tea, Sandra? Yeah, I do, yeah.
Well, I had that at Costa's once but, see after half an hour, I had terrible wind.
Oh.
Oh, we chucked those, I don't think we've got anything.
We had sachets of something.
Oh, the ones we lifted at the Travelodge? Yes, yes, what happened to them? No, we threw them out as well.
Honestly, a glass of water's just fine.
I tell you what I don't mind - Earl Grey.
Who was Earl Grey? Is he from Yorkshire, Graham? Listen, I'll go and get some.
No, no, don't.
No, no, please.
It's fine, I'll pop to the shop, it's only five minutes up the road.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I'll come with you.
So, any other homosexuals in your family, Sandra, or is it just him? Oh, I'm quite glad to get out for five minutes, to be honest with you.
I think it's been OK, actually.
Ah, it's not too bad to be fair, as long as my mum doesn't start telling stories about me when I was at school.
Oh, I'd like to hear about that.
Look, I was gay and I went to a comprehensive in the west of Scotland, let's leave it at that.
Well, they seem to be getting on OK, that's the main thing.
All we need is Christine to bugger off and we'll be fine.
Oh, well, she's not that bad, I mean, at least she keeps the conversation going.
North Wales, that's where my daughter stays, Sandra.
Oh, right.
Say what you like about Scotland, but that is a shithole, an actual shithole.
Graham's originally from Wales, actually.
I like Tom Jones.
Christine's daughter's the same age as Ian.
Oh.
Were they friendly growing up together, were they? Oh, yes.
But I always knew that Ian was gay.
He never showed any interest in my Sophie, despite the fact that she was actually quite masculine.
Um, Sandra, so, do you work? I do, yes, actually, um, part-time, really.
I'm a classroom assistant, so it's mainly supply work.
Oh.
What is a classroom assistant? Is it just like mopping up after wee tiddlers? No! There's a bit more to it than that.
It's learning support, really.
Oh, I see.
Keeping an eye on the slower ones, that's good.
My Sophie went to a Roman Catholic school here.
Oh, yes, that's right, you have different schools for whatever side you're on up here.
Ah, no, no, no-one cares about that any more.
Aye, things have moved on, nobody bothers about what religion anybody is.
Aye, that's true.
You're no' a protestant, though, are you, Sandra? You all right, boys? Hi, Colin.
Whose car is it? It's me dad's.
Your dad's? He in seeing your mum and dad then, is he? Yeah.
There's no trouble, is there? No, no, um, my parents are just up visiting, enjoying a bit of the famous Scottish hospitality.
Oh, very good.
Cath! What? Beth's doing drinks for Gordon's mum and dad.
Oh, coming.
One thing you'll have to try while you're here is the seafood.
Oh, I like seafood.
Well, you're in the right place, Sandra, especially up north.
Oh, see the scallops, fresh langoustines, mussels, I mean, that is renowned all over the world.
I'll tell you what else is - the full Scottish breakfast.
Really? Oh, yes.
You'll have to add that to your list of things to try while you're here.
Is it very different to a full English? Night and day, Sandra.
Night and day.
In what way? Well, with your full English, do you get bacon? Yes.
Eggs? Yes, choice of poached, fried I know how to cook an egg, son.
Black pudding.
No, no, not always.
Hmm, see, there you are, your full Scottish breakfast consisting of your egg, your bacon, your sausage, tomato, mushroom, potato scone, black pudding, toast - buttered right out to the edge with your good Lurpak - choice of tea or coffee That, Sandra, that'll put you on your fucking back.
Look who we found.
Oh, did you get the teabags? Hi, everyone.
Hi, Beth.
Hello, hello.
You must be Gordon's mum and dad.
Yeah.
Welcome.
A warm welcome to you, to Beth's house.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm Cathy, and this is my husband, Colin.
How you doing? How do you do? I'm Graham.
Pleased to meet you, Graham.
Uh, my wife, Sandra.
Oh, hi, Sandra, honey.
Graham and Sandra, Cathy and Colin.
Eric and Beth, Ian and Gordon.
Christine.
Can I give you a hand with anything, Mrs Baird? No, no, the kettle's boiled and I'll just go and bring the stuff through.
Yous up from England, are you? Yorkshire.
Yorkshire? Where is Yorkshire? It's, uh, over to the left of Manchester, where we fly to Dubai from.
Oh.
I was just telling them that I buy their teabags.
Well, I do when they're reduced.
Cathy and Colin live two doors down.
Ah.
Oh, but we've extended our house.
Aye, so it's a real step up from this place.
I can see the similarity between you and your dad, Gordon.
Can you? Uh-huh, but you don't look gay.
You managing all right there, Beth? Just about.
That's good.
So, what brings you up to Scotland then? Uh, we really came to see Gordon.
And to meet Ian.
I thought he'd maybe given him an infection or something.
There's your herbal tea, Sandra.
Thank you.
Sandra, Sandra, what do you think? Uh, about what? About Ian.
He's very nice.
Uh, tell us what you really think.
No, honestly, he's lovely.
How's your herbal tea? It's Give him a mark out of 10.
Um Six.
Six and a half.
How long are you up for? Oh, just a few days.
They're going to do some sightseeing too while they're here.
Oh, brilliant, because there's loads to do and see, isn't there, Cath? Is there? Aye, well, there'sthere's good shops.
Oh, yes, a good big Morrison's just opened up the road there.
I've got the code for their toilets, Sandra.
You could do a bit of hill walking.
I mean, Scottish scenery's some of the best in the world.
Oh, aye.
Don't do that, Sandra, you'll get pissed on.
I know where you should go, you should go up to Loch Lomond.
Oh, yes, now that is a must-see.
It's not, Sandra.
? You take the high road and I'll tak' the low road JOINING IN: ? And I'll be in Scotland afore ye.
? Shh, shh, shh.
Did you ever watch Take The High Road, Sandra? Take The High Road? It was like our version of Emmerdale Farm, except good.
Oh, vaguely.
Taggart as well, did you ever watch that? Oh, I liked Taggart.
So did he.
Dad, you liked Taggart.
Yeah, it was all right.
Oh, we saw it being filmed one time in Glasgow, Sandra, didn't we, Colin? Aye, aye, the wee prostitute and the meat hook.
Uh-hah, and there was this whole pile of syringes in a bloody hanky lying next to a bin.
No, that That wasnae part of it, Cath.
TAGGART IMPRESSION: There's been a murder.
There's been a murder.
Graham, you do it.
No.
Come on, let's hear your Scottish accent.
No.
Come on.
No.
Do it.
No! Just do it! BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: There's been a murder! Right, here we are, nothing fancy, I'm afraid, but dig in.
Oh, thank you, Beth, that's lovely, thank you very much.
Eh, Beth, could you give Oh.
Look at that.
The good deli stuff.
None of her rubbery Tesco shite the day, eh.
Right, well, there's, um, tuna and cheese and tomato, just help yourselves.
Mr Baird? Oh, no, no, no, you take.
No, I insist.
Oh, he's a good lad, isn't he? And good manners, eh? The good upbringing shining through.
Did you smack him, Sandra, aye? Was he actually from Yorkshire? Yeah, yeah, he was.
Oh, right.
You see, I didn't know if he just maybe drove in and out to do the murders, but wasn't actually from Yorkshire himself.
Oh, no, he was.
Well, you Certainly put you on the map for a wee while, eh? Gordon and me get on really well, don't, we Gordon? Oh, yes.
Oh, they're such a good wee match.
They are, aren't they? Hmm, I did like Jaz, though.
Who's Jaz? Oh, he was the one before him.
He was so sweet, he had such nice teeth and he was He was quite well hung too, you said, Ian.
Well, I must say, Beth, that was lovely.
You really have looked after us well today.
Oh, well, I can give you the rest to take away with you if you want for the drive up? No, no, no, we'rewe're fine.
Are you sure, Sandra? See, I always like to take a wee something with me if I'm going on a long journey - a sandwich, wee carton of juice, carrier bag in case any of it comes back up, you know.
Have you seen Graham's car, Colin? Is that it outside? It is, yeah.
Well, that's a beauty, I saw that.
It's a Stag.
Shh.
Gordon, let the men talk.
Would you like to have a look at it? Aye.
Go on.
Eric? Oh, why not? Cath, you want to look at it? Is it second hand? Well, yeah.
Nah.
Oh.
Eh? Oh, yes! Oh, aye.
It's a beauty, Eric, eh? Thank you very much.
And does the roof go back, does it? Yeah, do you want to see it? Aye.
Aye, go on.
Back.
Oh, it's immaculate.
Leather seats, hey? Yeah.
Is it actual stag leather? No.
It's just stunning.
Are you into your cars, Eric? Oh, no, no, no, nothing fancy for me.
I don't know, Eric, another few years and that Vectra will be classed as a vintage.
Oh, ha-ha! Oh, wow.
Here, do you mind if I have a wee seat? Oh, be my guest.
Oh.
They seem to be doing all right, the lads, don't they? Aye.
Aye, they seem happy enough.
He's a nice boy, your Gordon.
Thanks, Eric.
He seems to have settled in quite well.
Uh, well, if he can cope with that lot in there, he can cope with anything.
It's really nice to meet you properly.
You should come down to us some time.
Oh, well, we might just do that.
Ah, yes, brrmmm.
Can I give you a hand with anything, Beth? Ah, no, no, you're fine.
It was nice to get a chance to meet your neighbours.
Yes, they drop in quite often.
Oh, that's nice for you.
Yes.
I just wanted to say, Beth, thanks for making Gordon feel so welcome up in Scotland.
Oh, not at all, Sandra.
You really made him feel at home.
Well, we've done it with all Ian's boyfriends Not that there's been a succession.
They make quite a nice couple, don't they? They do.
Who knows, maybe this might be the first of many trips up here.
Oh, well, listen, you'd be welcome any time.
Well, we'll definitely take you up on that, Beth.
CHRISTINE: Beth! Any chance of another sandwich? Or you could visit us, if you prefer.
So, are you going to take them out on the gay scene while they're up? Uh, no, I don't think so.
We don't actually go out to gay clubs much, do we? Hardly ever.
Sometimes I wish I was gay so I could just go out all the time and drink as much as I want and wear all the fancy designer clothes.
You do that anyway.
Hmm.
Very good, Ian, you cheeky little shit.
They all right with you being gay, are they, Gordon? My mum and dad? Yeah.
They're cool with it.
Hmm, changed days, hey.
Nobody really bothers nowadays.
Can I ask you something else, Gordon? Yes.
Does it hurt? Ah, here we are, what've we missed? Oh, not much, we were just, uh Uh, just talking about other things you might do while you're in Scotland.
Actually, Colin was just saying we should try and do a tour of one of the whisky distilleries while we're up.
Good idea.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, it is, Sandra, but take your own Coke, though, cos they don't give you mixers.
I've never been to one.
Been to a woollen mill.
A farm.
Oh, I've been to Legoland.
Have you been to Legoland, Sandra? Um, no.
Well, I have.
I saw a bumblebee that was over seven feet tall.
I mean, we can't come all the way to Scotland and not try a bit of whisky - it's the national drink, after all.
Oh, that and Buckfast.
Has Eric no' offered you a wee dram? Uh, no, no, no, honestly, we're fine.
I'm driving anyway.
Yeah, but she's not, she can get shitfaced.
No, no, we're fine with tea.
Tea.
I mean, tea and sandwiches - you're not in Yorkshire now, hen, this is Scotland.
Beth, you're letting your country down.
Get a bottle open! Ah, f Yes! I'm not very good with spirits.
We'll get you some wine as well, honey.
Beth, wine! Are you boys having one? Uh, well Oh, go on, Gordon.
He's quite boring for a gay, isn't he, Sandra? OK, then.
Well done, boys.
Graham, just take one and I'll drink it.
Aye, whisky, whisky, whisky, whisky, whisky, whi Sandra, just try a wee one and if you feel sick, Beth'll get you a basin.
Come on, Eric, give us a toast.
That's a good idea.
Give us a wee toast, Eric.
Eh? Yeah, go on, Eric.
I Oh, well, all right, I mean, uh, has everybody got? Yes.
Right, well, uh, here's to Graham and Sandra.
To their first visit to Scotland, I hope we've given you a warm welcome.
And, well, haste ye back.
Graham and Sandra.
ALL: Graham and Sandra.
Now, has everyone had enough to eat? Actually, could I get Sit down, Beth, you've been running after us all day.
Hmm.
You a fan of the football, Graham? Yes, yes, I am, not been to a match in years, though.
Colin's been abroad to watch Scotland play, haven't you, Col? Oh, aye, I've been to, what, I've been to Sweden, I've been to Poland, been to Latvia, I've been to France, I've been to Germany, been to Italy, I've go I've been to Denmark twice.
My goodness, you are dedicated.
Aye, and I'll keep going until I see them win.
It's the Tartan Army, Graham, they're like ambassadors for Scotland.
Are they? Oh, aye, we're famous all over the world.
And, you know, there's never any trouble when we're around.
Aye, cos they're all too pissed to do anything.
They don't tend to fare so well, do they, Scotland, in the football? Aye, well, we have our struggles, Sandra, you know, but there's lots of other sports where Scotland leads the world.
Yeah? Oh, aye, well, there'sthere's Andy Murray.
Come on, Andy.
Definitely.
And, er Hmm And there was, erm Well, there's Andy Murray and And there's, eh Erm Was there no' a snooker player at one point? Aye, there you go, aye, there was Andy Murray, uh, a snooker player, and, erm Aandand, um .
.
Jocky Wilson.
Oh, aye.
Oh, I liked him.
Jocky Wilson.
So, there you go, Sandra, see, tons.
You do wonder sometimes why they don't put England, Scotland and Wales together in the football and then they might do better in the likes of the World Cup.
Oh, that's a good idea.
No, no, no, no, no.
You cannae dae that.
Why not? Scotland's a separate country.
Well, I suppose.
You're saying that now.
Eh? Eric! Well, that's not what you said when we had the referendum.
Oh, God.
Nobody's interested in all that shit.
Sandra, are you ready for that wine? You were for it, were you, Eric? Oh, aye, I was "yes" all the way.
So was I.
Well, I was "no" at the beginning, just out of habit, but then I changed my mind.
It was that wee Sturgeon.
Do you like her, Sandra? Um Oh, they've smartened her up now as well.
They've got her in the high heels and hair brushed doon at the front.
Aye, they all get that now, don't they, media makeover? Christ, I wouldn't have liked to have seen Boris Johnson before he got his.
I take it you weren't for it, were you, Colin, independence? Absolutely not.
It was too much of a risk.
I mean, they hadn't thought everything through.
I mean, there was major questions they just never addressed like Would we still be able to get flights from Manchester? What? There's more to it than that, Cathy.
Oh, you're right there is.
Uh, no, I really don't think now's the time to discuss this.
How did you vote, Beth? Sorry? Were you a yes or a no? Oh, well I voted yes.
What?! I voted yes.
But you never told me that.
Well, you never asked.
You voted against me? She voted against me, Colin.
You see what it did? It turned friends against each other.
Aye, Pat over the back, she had a big "No, thanks" poster in her window.
But it was mainly aimed at the folk that do the junk mail.
Well, I think we're needing another referendum.
Oh, here we go! Oh, no, we can't go through that again.
No, no more leaflets.
My letterbox was hanging aff its fucking hinges by the end of it.
We're needing another one to decide it once and for all.
The last one was meant to decide it once and for all! You can't have another one just cause you don't like the result.
It's not a It's not like A boob job.
The decision is made, Eric, the people voted, they said no, you just cannae accept it.
I just think it'd be really sad if Scotland left.
Yeah, so do I.
Oh, do you? Yeah.
I do.
Well, I don't.
In fact, I think it would be great if we went our own way.
Well, said, son.
I was just saying.
Maybe we should just stay out of it, Gordon.
Yeah, Gordon, keep that out.
Steady on.
Quiet, Graham.
See what I'm saying? It's turned people against each other.
Oh, don't talk such bloody rubbish.
Oh, shut up, Eric, stupid bastard.
Cathy! It's not him that's stupid.
You think it's all about what airports you'll be able to go to.
Oh, piss off! Yeah, fuck you and your boring English boyfriend! Cathy, you've overstepped the mark now.
I've overstepped the mark? Every single time she comes round here, she This is the level of debate we've come down to, is it? What are you talking about, Eric? I've had it up to here THEY ALL ARGUE AT ONCE You've had too much to drink.
I don't care.
ARGUING CONTINUES You can't just keep on banging on Scottish hospitality, eh? Hmm.
Where's the car? Christ! ? This land was made for you and me ? This land is your land, this land is my land ? From California to the New York island ? From the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters ? This land was made for you and me.
?
Oh, right.
Let's get a look at them then.
Oh, nice car.
Oh, Gordon looks like his dad, doesn't he? Yeah, a bit.
Oh, she's shorter than I'd imagined.
Yeah, cos Gordon's tall, isn't he? I suppose he is, yeah.
Well, English folk have to be tall.
What do you mean? Oh, so they can look down their noses at us.
This programme contains strong language.
And this my dad.
Dad, this is Mr Baird.
Eric, it's Eric.
Pleased to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too, I'm Graham.
And this is my mum.
Mum, this is Sandra.
Hello, Sandra, I'm Beth.
Oh, hello, Beth, lovely to meet you, thanks so much for inviting us.
Oh.
Oh, not at all.
We can't guarantee you the weather but we can promise you a warm welcome.
Oh, before I forget, here's something for you.
Aw.
Oh, you needn't have bothered.
Well, it's just a little something.
You know what they say - never turn up to a stranger's house empty handed.
Oh, well, we're not strangers any more, are we? No, we're almost family.
I mean, not quite, but sort of family.
Aye.
Well, eh, come on through and sit down, eh? Thank you.
Thank you.
This is lovely.
Oh, thanks.
So you, uh, you drove up yesterday, did you? We did, Eric, yes, lovely drive up.
Oh, well, that's good.
Stayed at ours last night, me and Ian slept on the settee.
I mean, actually slept, not First time in Scotland? It is, yes.
It is, yes.
Really? It is, yes.
I don't know we'd never been up before, but Because we always go to France for our holidays.
I supposes, yes.
Bonjour, Madame.
Oh! Bonjour, Gordon.
Gordon practically spent his whole childhood on the beaches of Normandy, Eric.
Mine was a bit of a war zone too.
Oh, well, I'll, uh, I'll tell you, if you like beaches, there's some terrific ones up north.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's funny that.
You don't associate Scotland with beaches, do you? No, more sort of rain and Mountains.
Yeah, mountains.
Rain and mountains and Smoked salmon.
They're going up north for a few days, aren't you? Yeah, we thought we'd drive up to Skye.
Oh, lovely.
Skye is beautiful.
We went whale watching there once, remember, Beth? Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Did you see any? Well, I think so, aye.
Beth thought it was an old tyre, so Is it Yorkshire you stay? It is, yes.
Just outside Skipton, Beth.
Oh, is that where you're from? I am.
I've lived there all my life.
Yorkshire lass born and bred.
You know, if ever we go anywhere, and anyone says, "Where are you "from?" I always say England, but she's like, "Yorkshire, Graham!" That's like us when we go up abroad.
We always say we're from Scotland, don't we, Beth? And if somebody says, "Are you British?" we always say, "Scottish," don't we, Beth? Yes, Eric.
Aye, don't start all that, Dad.
DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it.
Oh, it's you.
Did I just see Ian and Gordon with a man and a woman? Yes.
Who, are they? They're Gordon's mum and dad.
Oh, I see.
Is there trouble? No, there's no trouble, Christine, they're just up visiting.
Oh, that's nice.
Are they from England? Yes, they're from England.
Whereabouts? Yorkshire.
Yorkshire.
I sometimes buy Yorkshire teabags.
Do you? I wonder what they would make of that.
And is it quite a close-knit neighbourhood or do people tend to keep themselves to themselves? Well, they're Hello, there.
Hello.
Oh, God.
Sorry to intrude, I just came in to have a word with Beth, but he insisted on dragging me in here to meet you.
I'm Christine.
Sandra, I'm Gordon's mum.
Oh, how do you do, Sandra? I live next door.
Uh, Graham.
Good to meet you.
I expect Gordon's told you all about me, huh? Um He's a good pal.
Oh, we sat next to each other at Christmas dinner, didn't we, Gordon? We did.
Mm-hmm.
Good steady hand on him when he was dishing up my carrots - slippery wee bastards when they're buttered, you know what I'm saying, Sandra? Come on, budge up, there we go.
Oh, ah.
That's better, eh? Oh.
So, is there trouble? Sorry? Well, I thought maybe he'd caught something from him, you know.
Is it lice? Here, Beth, you better get those beds stripped ASAP.
Christine, they're just up for a visit.
So, Yorkshire, eh? Yes.
I must say, I like your tea.
You must be very proud.
Uh, they've never been in Scotland before, Christine, have you? Nope.
Have you not? Never.
It seems lovely so far, though, I must say.
No matter where you go in Scotland, you can be guaranteed a warm welcome and a big dose of Scottish hospitality, even if you are English.
They're going to do a bit of touring about while they're here, aren't you? Mm, got an old Triumph we drove up in.
Can't wait to get it on to the country roads.
Oh, I saw that, that's beautiful.
What is it, is it a Stag, is it? Eric, don't get him started on it.
It's my pride and joy, that is.
So, where are you off to then? Well, a few places.
We'd quite like to see Edinburgh.
Oh, lovely.
Used to be bad for the junkies, though, Sandra, but on the other hand, they've got a good castle.
And we read something about the Glenfinnan Viaduct.
Where's that? Oh, they filmed some of Harry Potter up there.
Oh, fucking kids running aboot in capes.
But we're definitely, definitely going to Skye.
Oh, now, Skye, that is absolutely beautiful.
That's what everyone says, yes.
? Speed bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing ? Over the sea to Skye.
? Course, they've got that bridge, noo, so that's that fucked, intit? So, who'd like a cup of tea? Oh, lovely.
Thank you.
Right, uh, coffee or tea, Graham? Uh, coffee please, Beth.
Sandra? Uh, do you have any herbal tea by any chance? Oh, I don't think I do actually.
Oh, a glass of water would be just fine.
Eh, no, no, no, I might have something.
Did we not have peppermint tea when you had that upset stomach? Do you like chamomile tea, Sandra? Yeah, I do, yeah.
Well, I had that at Costa's once but, see after half an hour, I had terrible wind.
Oh.
Oh, we chucked those, I don't think we've got anything.
We had sachets of something.
Oh, the ones we lifted at the Travelodge? Yes, yes, what happened to them? No, we threw them out as well.
Honestly, a glass of water's just fine.
I tell you what I don't mind - Earl Grey.
Who was Earl Grey? Is he from Yorkshire, Graham? Listen, I'll go and get some.
No, no, don't.
No, no, please.
It's fine, I'll pop to the shop, it's only five minutes up the road.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I'll come with you.
So, any other homosexuals in your family, Sandra, or is it just him? Oh, I'm quite glad to get out for five minutes, to be honest with you.
I think it's been OK, actually.
Ah, it's not too bad to be fair, as long as my mum doesn't start telling stories about me when I was at school.
Oh, I'd like to hear about that.
Look, I was gay and I went to a comprehensive in the west of Scotland, let's leave it at that.
Well, they seem to be getting on OK, that's the main thing.
All we need is Christine to bugger off and we'll be fine.
Oh, well, she's not that bad, I mean, at least she keeps the conversation going.
North Wales, that's where my daughter stays, Sandra.
Oh, right.
Say what you like about Scotland, but that is a shithole, an actual shithole.
Graham's originally from Wales, actually.
I like Tom Jones.
Christine's daughter's the same age as Ian.
Oh.
Were they friendly growing up together, were they? Oh, yes.
But I always knew that Ian was gay.
He never showed any interest in my Sophie, despite the fact that she was actually quite masculine.
Um, Sandra, so, do you work? I do, yes, actually, um, part-time, really.
I'm a classroom assistant, so it's mainly supply work.
Oh.
What is a classroom assistant? Is it just like mopping up after wee tiddlers? No! There's a bit more to it than that.
It's learning support, really.
Oh, I see.
Keeping an eye on the slower ones, that's good.
My Sophie went to a Roman Catholic school here.
Oh, yes, that's right, you have different schools for whatever side you're on up here.
Ah, no, no, no-one cares about that any more.
Aye, things have moved on, nobody bothers about what religion anybody is.
Aye, that's true.
You're no' a protestant, though, are you, Sandra? You all right, boys? Hi, Colin.
Whose car is it? It's me dad's.
Your dad's? He in seeing your mum and dad then, is he? Yeah.
There's no trouble, is there? No, no, um, my parents are just up visiting, enjoying a bit of the famous Scottish hospitality.
Oh, very good.
Cath! What? Beth's doing drinks for Gordon's mum and dad.
Oh, coming.
One thing you'll have to try while you're here is the seafood.
Oh, I like seafood.
Well, you're in the right place, Sandra, especially up north.
Oh, see the scallops, fresh langoustines, mussels, I mean, that is renowned all over the world.
I'll tell you what else is - the full Scottish breakfast.
Really? Oh, yes.
You'll have to add that to your list of things to try while you're here.
Is it very different to a full English? Night and day, Sandra.
Night and day.
In what way? Well, with your full English, do you get bacon? Yes.
Eggs? Yes, choice of poached, fried I know how to cook an egg, son.
Black pudding.
No, no, not always.
Hmm, see, there you are, your full Scottish breakfast consisting of your egg, your bacon, your sausage, tomato, mushroom, potato scone, black pudding, toast - buttered right out to the edge with your good Lurpak - choice of tea or coffee That, Sandra, that'll put you on your fucking back.
Look who we found.
Oh, did you get the teabags? Hi, everyone.
Hi, Beth.
Hello, hello.
You must be Gordon's mum and dad.
Yeah.
Welcome.
A warm welcome to you, to Beth's house.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm Cathy, and this is my husband, Colin.
How you doing? How do you do? I'm Graham.
Pleased to meet you, Graham.
Uh, my wife, Sandra.
Oh, hi, Sandra, honey.
Graham and Sandra, Cathy and Colin.
Eric and Beth, Ian and Gordon.
Christine.
Can I give you a hand with anything, Mrs Baird? No, no, the kettle's boiled and I'll just go and bring the stuff through.
Yous up from England, are you? Yorkshire.
Yorkshire? Where is Yorkshire? It's, uh, over to the left of Manchester, where we fly to Dubai from.
Oh.
I was just telling them that I buy their teabags.
Well, I do when they're reduced.
Cathy and Colin live two doors down.
Ah.
Oh, but we've extended our house.
Aye, so it's a real step up from this place.
I can see the similarity between you and your dad, Gordon.
Can you? Uh-huh, but you don't look gay.
You managing all right there, Beth? Just about.
That's good.
So, what brings you up to Scotland then? Uh, we really came to see Gordon.
And to meet Ian.
I thought he'd maybe given him an infection or something.
There's your herbal tea, Sandra.
Thank you.
Sandra, Sandra, what do you think? Uh, about what? About Ian.
He's very nice.
Uh, tell us what you really think.
No, honestly, he's lovely.
How's your herbal tea? It's Give him a mark out of 10.
Um Six.
Six and a half.
How long are you up for? Oh, just a few days.
They're going to do some sightseeing too while they're here.
Oh, brilliant, because there's loads to do and see, isn't there, Cath? Is there? Aye, well, there'sthere's good shops.
Oh, yes, a good big Morrison's just opened up the road there.
I've got the code for their toilets, Sandra.
You could do a bit of hill walking.
I mean, Scottish scenery's some of the best in the world.
Oh, aye.
Don't do that, Sandra, you'll get pissed on.
I know where you should go, you should go up to Loch Lomond.
Oh, yes, now that is a must-see.
It's not, Sandra.
? You take the high road and I'll tak' the low road JOINING IN: ? And I'll be in Scotland afore ye.
? Shh, shh, shh.
Did you ever watch Take The High Road, Sandra? Take The High Road? It was like our version of Emmerdale Farm, except good.
Oh, vaguely.
Taggart as well, did you ever watch that? Oh, I liked Taggart.
So did he.
Dad, you liked Taggart.
Yeah, it was all right.
Oh, we saw it being filmed one time in Glasgow, Sandra, didn't we, Colin? Aye, aye, the wee prostitute and the meat hook.
Uh-hah, and there was this whole pile of syringes in a bloody hanky lying next to a bin.
No, that That wasnae part of it, Cath.
TAGGART IMPRESSION: There's been a murder.
There's been a murder.
Graham, you do it.
No.
Come on, let's hear your Scottish accent.
No.
Come on.
No.
Do it.
No! Just do it! BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: There's been a murder! Right, here we are, nothing fancy, I'm afraid, but dig in.
Oh, thank you, Beth, that's lovely, thank you very much.
Eh, Beth, could you give Oh.
Look at that.
The good deli stuff.
None of her rubbery Tesco shite the day, eh.
Right, well, there's, um, tuna and cheese and tomato, just help yourselves.
Mr Baird? Oh, no, no, no, you take.
No, I insist.
Oh, he's a good lad, isn't he? And good manners, eh? The good upbringing shining through.
Did you smack him, Sandra, aye? Was he actually from Yorkshire? Yeah, yeah, he was.
Oh, right.
You see, I didn't know if he just maybe drove in and out to do the murders, but wasn't actually from Yorkshire himself.
Oh, no, he was.
Well, you Certainly put you on the map for a wee while, eh? Gordon and me get on really well, don't, we Gordon? Oh, yes.
Oh, they're such a good wee match.
They are, aren't they? Hmm, I did like Jaz, though.
Who's Jaz? Oh, he was the one before him.
He was so sweet, he had such nice teeth and he was He was quite well hung too, you said, Ian.
Well, I must say, Beth, that was lovely.
You really have looked after us well today.
Oh, well, I can give you the rest to take away with you if you want for the drive up? No, no, no, we'rewe're fine.
Are you sure, Sandra? See, I always like to take a wee something with me if I'm going on a long journey - a sandwich, wee carton of juice, carrier bag in case any of it comes back up, you know.
Have you seen Graham's car, Colin? Is that it outside? It is, yeah.
Well, that's a beauty, I saw that.
It's a Stag.
Shh.
Gordon, let the men talk.
Would you like to have a look at it? Aye.
Go on.
Eric? Oh, why not? Cath, you want to look at it? Is it second hand? Well, yeah.
Nah.
Oh.
Eh? Oh, yes! Oh, aye.
It's a beauty, Eric, eh? Thank you very much.
And does the roof go back, does it? Yeah, do you want to see it? Aye.
Aye, go on.
Back.
Oh, it's immaculate.
Leather seats, hey? Yeah.
Is it actual stag leather? No.
It's just stunning.
Are you into your cars, Eric? Oh, no, no, no, nothing fancy for me.
I don't know, Eric, another few years and that Vectra will be classed as a vintage.
Oh, ha-ha! Oh, wow.
Here, do you mind if I have a wee seat? Oh, be my guest.
Oh.
They seem to be doing all right, the lads, don't they? Aye.
Aye, they seem happy enough.
He's a nice boy, your Gordon.
Thanks, Eric.
He seems to have settled in quite well.
Uh, well, if he can cope with that lot in there, he can cope with anything.
It's really nice to meet you properly.
You should come down to us some time.
Oh, well, we might just do that.
Ah, yes, brrmmm.
Can I give you a hand with anything, Beth? Ah, no, no, you're fine.
It was nice to get a chance to meet your neighbours.
Yes, they drop in quite often.
Oh, that's nice for you.
Yes.
I just wanted to say, Beth, thanks for making Gordon feel so welcome up in Scotland.
Oh, not at all, Sandra.
You really made him feel at home.
Well, we've done it with all Ian's boyfriends Not that there's been a succession.
They make quite a nice couple, don't they? They do.
Who knows, maybe this might be the first of many trips up here.
Oh, well, listen, you'd be welcome any time.
Well, we'll definitely take you up on that, Beth.
CHRISTINE: Beth! Any chance of another sandwich? Or you could visit us, if you prefer.
So, are you going to take them out on the gay scene while they're up? Uh, no, I don't think so.
We don't actually go out to gay clubs much, do we? Hardly ever.
Sometimes I wish I was gay so I could just go out all the time and drink as much as I want and wear all the fancy designer clothes.
You do that anyway.
Hmm.
Very good, Ian, you cheeky little shit.
They all right with you being gay, are they, Gordon? My mum and dad? Yeah.
They're cool with it.
Hmm, changed days, hey.
Nobody really bothers nowadays.
Can I ask you something else, Gordon? Yes.
Does it hurt? Ah, here we are, what've we missed? Oh, not much, we were just, uh Uh, just talking about other things you might do while you're in Scotland.
Actually, Colin was just saying we should try and do a tour of one of the whisky distilleries while we're up.
Good idea.
That sounds like fun.
Oh, it is, Sandra, but take your own Coke, though, cos they don't give you mixers.
I've never been to one.
Been to a woollen mill.
A farm.
Oh, I've been to Legoland.
Have you been to Legoland, Sandra? Um, no.
Well, I have.
I saw a bumblebee that was over seven feet tall.
I mean, we can't come all the way to Scotland and not try a bit of whisky - it's the national drink, after all.
Oh, that and Buckfast.
Has Eric no' offered you a wee dram? Uh, no, no, no, honestly, we're fine.
I'm driving anyway.
Yeah, but she's not, she can get shitfaced.
No, no, we're fine with tea.
Tea.
I mean, tea and sandwiches - you're not in Yorkshire now, hen, this is Scotland.
Beth, you're letting your country down.
Get a bottle open! Ah, f Yes! I'm not very good with spirits.
We'll get you some wine as well, honey.
Beth, wine! Are you boys having one? Uh, well Oh, go on, Gordon.
He's quite boring for a gay, isn't he, Sandra? OK, then.
Well done, boys.
Graham, just take one and I'll drink it.
Aye, whisky, whisky, whisky, whisky, whisky, whi Sandra, just try a wee one and if you feel sick, Beth'll get you a basin.
Come on, Eric, give us a toast.
That's a good idea.
Give us a wee toast, Eric.
Eh? Yeah, go on, Eric.
I Oh, well, all right, I mean, uh, has everybody got? Yes.
Right, well, uh, here's to Graham and Sandra.
To their first visit to Scotland, I hope we've given you a warm welcome.
And, well, haste ye back.
Graham and Sandra.
ALL: Graham and Sandra.
Now, has everyone had enough to eat? Actually, could I get Sit down, Beth, you've been running after us all day.
Hmm.
You a fan of the football, Graham? Yes, yes, I am, not been to a match in years, though.
Colin's been abroad to watch Scotland play, haven't you, Col? Oh, aye, I've been to, what, I've been to Sweden, I've been to Poland, been to Latvia, I've been to France, I've been to Germany, been to Italy, I've go I've been to Denmark twice.
My goodness, you are dedicated.
Aye, and I'll keep going until I see them win.
It's the Tartan Army, Graham, they're like ambassadors for Scotland.
Are they? Oh, aye, we're famous all over the world.
And, you know, there's never any trouble when we're around.
Aye, cos they're all too pissed to do anything.
They don't tend to fare so well, do they, Scotland, in the football? Aye, well, we have our struggles, Sandra, you know, but there's lots of other sports where Scotland leads the world.
Yeah? Oh, aye, well, there'sthere's Andy Murray.
Come on, Andy.
Definitely.
And, er Hmm And there was, erm Well, there's Andy Murray and And there's, eh Erm Was there no' a snooker player at one point? Aye, there you go, aye, there was Andy Murray, uh, a snooker player, and, erm Aandand, um .
.
Jocky Wilson.
Oh, aye.
Oh, I liked him.
Jocky Wilson.
So, there you go, Sandra, see, tons.
You do wonder sometimes why they don't put England, Scotland and Wales together in the football and then they might do better in the likes of the World Cup.
Oh, that's a good idea.
No, no, no, no, no.
You cannae dae that.
Why not? Scotland's a separate country.
Well, I suppose.
You're saying that now.
Eh? Eric! Well, that's not what you said when we had the referendum.
Oh, God.
Nobody's interested in all that shit.
Sandra, are you ready for that wine? You were for it, were you, Eric? Oh, aye, I was "yes" all the way.
So was I.
Well, I was "no" at the beginning, just out of habit, but then I changed my mind.
It was that wee Sturgeon.
Do you like her, Sandra? Um Oh, they've smartened her up now as well.
They've got her in the high heels and hair brushed doon at the front.
Aye, they all get that now, don't they, media makeover? Christ, I wouldn't have liked to have seen Boris Johnson before he got his.
I take it you weren't for it, were you, Colin, independence? Absolutely not.
It was too much of a risk.
I mean, they hadn't thought everything through.
I mean, there was major questions they just never addressed like Would we still be able to get flights from Manchester? What? There's more to it than that, Cathy.
Oh, you're right there is.
Uh, no, I really don't think now's the time to discuss this.
How did you vote, Beth? Sorry? Were you a yes or a no? Oh, well I voted yes.
What?! I voted yes.
But you never told me that.
Well, you never asked.
You voted against me? She voted against me, Colin.
You see what it did? It turned friends against each other.
Aye, Pat over the back, she had a big "No, thanks" poster in her window.
But it was mainly aimed at the folk that do the junk mail.
Well, I think we're needing another referendum.
Oh, here we go! Oh, no, we can't go through that again.
No, no more leaflets.
My letterbox was hanging aff its fucking hinges by the end of it.
We're needing another one to decide it once and for all.
The last one was meant to decide it once and for all! You can't have another one just cause you don't like the result.
It's not a It's not like A boob job.
The decision is made, Eric, the people voted, they said no, you just cannae accept it.
I just think it'd be really sad if Scotland left.
Yeah, so do I.
Oh, do you? Yeah.
I do.
Well, I don't.
In fact, I think it would be great if we went our own way.
Well, said, son.
I was just saying.
Maybe we should just stay out of it, Gordon.
Yeah, Gordon, keep that out.
Steady on.
Quiet, Graham.
See what I'm saying? It's turned people against each other.
Oh, don't talk such bloody rubbish.
Oh, shut up, Eric, stupid bastard.
Cathy! It's not him that's stupid.
You think it's all about what airports you'll be able to go to.
Oh, piss off! Yeah, fuck you and your boring English boyfriend! Cathy, you've overstepped the mark now.
I've overstepped the mark? Every single time she comes round here, she This is the level of debate we've come down to, is it? What are you talking about, Eric? I've had it up to here THEY ALL ARGUE AT ONCE You've had too much to drink.
I don't care.
ARGUING CONTINUES You can't just keep on banging on Scottish hospitality, eh? Hmm.
Where's the car? Christ! ? This land was made for you and me ? This land is your land, this land is my land ? From California to the New York island ? From the redwood forest to the Gulf Stream waters ? This land was made for you and me.
?