Weird Science s04e04 Episode Script

You make man? No.
Woman.
Woman? [THEME MUSIC.]
THEME SONG: Weird Science! Pictures from a magazine, diagrams and charts, mending broken hearts and making Weird Science.
Something like a recipe, bits and pieces, bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
My creation.
It's my creation.
No heart of gold, just flesh and blood.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
Oh, my creation! It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hands, why don't people understand? It's alive.
Alive! Spring break! Look out! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! We're going to Barcelona.
I can't wait.
Spanish babes, spicy food, lots of-- what do you call? Pachinko.
Flamenco.
OK.
File up.
Click on Lisa, and press the magic button.
Oh, let me.
Let me.
Ole.
Spring break! Let me guess-- you're excited? We've been waiting for this all winter.
No parents, no homework.
Just fun in the sun, and fabulous Barcelona.
Ready when you are.
Just let me grab my sunblock, and we are out of here.
Barcelona, here we come.
Ole, ole.
Greetings.
That's real mature, Chett, spying on us.
Not spying.
Observing.
And would you like me to share with you what I've observed? It seems you two booger bibs have a little toy-- a secret toy.
A gorgeous, curvacious toy.
A toy with magic powers.
A toy I'd like to get to know better.
But first, lunch.
Excuse me.
All right, Matlock.
You figured out our secret.
We have a genie.
Yep.
I knew you were hiding something up there.
I didn't have proof-- until now.
Too bad you'll never remember it.
Lis, blank his memory.
One mind sweep special coming up.
Try not to move around a lot.
It makes it easier.
Wait.
Can I at least ask Lisa a question before my mind is grilled like a cheese sandwich? OK, but make it short.
I was curious-- what's your power source, technically speaking? Essentially a cold fusion self generating power pack.
Catalytic initiators? Biologically based.
Transmogrification? Tachion interceptor.
Hm.
OK, OK.
You can read all about it at your local library.
Yeah, we got a bullfight to go to.
Lis, fry him.
What I don't completely understand is the nature of your imaging center.
It didn't work.
Hit him again.
If you generate the positron particles within your fusion unit, then yes, I can see how that might be effective.
However-- [BEEPING.]
that must be my burrito.
Excuse me.
Maybe if you crank up the voltage? I did.
He must have developed some kind of brain callous, or maybe he's figured out a shield against my magic.
How? He can't even figure out how to get ice from the fridge.
There's something very weird, guys.
Mothership? Contact made.
Presence of alien supercomputer Lisa verified.
Proceeding to-- no.
I'm making a burrito.
Compact nutrient unit consisting of beans and solid milk curd.
About 18 grams of fat per serving.
Oh.
Proceeding to phase two.
Unit 6 out.
Oh, man.
Did you see that? Chett's an alien.
My brother is an alien.
Alien android.
Wait.
Before we get all crazy, are we sure? He unscrewed his hand and used it to make a long distance call to outer space.
What do you think? I know, but my dad got one of those football phones for Christmas, and you'd swear it was real.
Just watch the door.
I don't want that thing coming in here.
I can't believe it.
He's going to take me away.
No one's taking you anywhere, Lis.
You heard him.
Phase two.
They're probably planning on using me for spare parts.
Don't worry.
We'll figure this out.
I just thought of something.
If there's a Chett android downstairs making burritos in the kitchen, where's your brother? That's right.
They must have taken Chett.
See? There's some good news in all this.
[SCREAMING.]
I've got more questions.
Mm.
Want some? This is very good.
Get us out of here! Good.
Put some distance between us and him.
Not where I thought we'd be spending our vacation.
It doesn't make sense.
Why is he after me? What do I have that some alien species could possibly want? Well, for starters there's that matador outfit.
Were you guys going somewhere without me? Lisa! [LAUGHTER.]
That's the right idea.
Keep going! [LAUGHTER.]
Do another! OK, you space freak.
You asked for it.
I think you peaked with the giant foot.
Grr.
[WHIMPERING.]
He's still coming! Get us out of here! Where the hell are we? I didn't want to take any chances.
No, you're right.
We should be safe here.
Just don't lick any metal.
I don't know why you continue to run from me.
There is nowhere you can go that I cannot follow.
Stand back.
I think I've got one last zap in me.
No.
We're not gonna run anymore.
Wyatt? You want to suck our brains out of our heads.
Fine.
But we're not giving up Lisa without a fight.
You misunderstand.
I don't want to hurt you.
You don't? Then why are you after me? My mission is simply to observe you on behalf of an alien species, and until my orders change, that is all I'm gonna do.
[RINGING.]
Hold on.
Yes? Very well.
Well, my orders have changed.
I'm to abduct Lisa, and then kill you and your friend.
[SCREAMING.]
Hello, Steve.
Hi, Steve.
Whoa! Sorry! I'm sorry! Are the humans being lifted? That should be them now.
[SCREAMING.]
Welcome back, Unit 6.
You've done well.
These are the chosen subjects? Yes.
There were no problems with the abduction.
Skankhead and butt boy are a little panicked, though.
You've spent too much time on the planet, Unit 6.
It's the human I was built to replicate, sir.
His personality is hard to override.
Be careful, Unit 6.
Your newly acquired habit of shotgunny brewskis has not gone unnoticed by the high council.
If I were you, I'd watch your back.
Yes, sir.
Now then, these humans, um-- they all look alike.
Which one is the female? The one with the fun bags, sir.
Sorry.
That one.
[SCREAMING.]
Hello, and welcome aboard my ship.
My name's-- [SCREAMING.]
Happy hats, please? Hello, and welcome aboard my ship.
My name is Steve.
Hi, Steve.
What's going on? Where are we? And what have you done to them? The happy hats help to make their abduction experience more pleasant.
Well, take them off.
Now.
What's going on? Are you OK, Lis? That was awesome.
Lower that baby back down, my friend.
Gary! No.
Why have you brought us here? We're searching the universe for life forms of the highest intelligence.
Our scanners have scoured your planet and found it to be completely devoid of intellect.
Except for you.
Oh, yeah? Well listen up, you big headed alien freak.
If you want our minds, you're going to have to-- As I was saying before I was interrupted by the tiny brain, yours was the only life form on the entire planet with an intellect equal to our own.
What are you going to do to me? If you will cooperate, we are prepared to offer you a tremendous opportunity.
And if I don't? We'll part as friends, and then I'll reduce your planet to a smoldering, demolished piece of rock.
You got that, baby? You hang with us, or it's blue ball in the corner pocket.
Capiche? Perhaps now would be a good time to purge my memories, sir.
OK, I'll cooperate.
On one condition.
Return Gary and Wyatt to Earth.
They're the only people I care about.
You don't need them.
Very well.
As a gesture of friendship and goodwill, they'll be returned, along with the human called Chett.
Oh, Steve? Lift the tiny brains back to Earth, will you? Lisa? Help! Oh my god.
We're back home.
I want my happy hat.
Snap out of it, Gar! We gotta get help.
They still have Lisa and Chett up there.
[SCREAMING.]
It's the android! Get him! Oh! Gary? I think this is the real Chett.
That's it.
You're dead, butt crimp.
Yep, it's him.
Chett? Are you OK? It was terrible.
One minute I'm making a sandwich, and the next thing I know there's these bright lights, and I'm rising out of the kitchen.
They did tests, they connected me to machines, they drilled my teeth.
And then the probe.
I'm going to stop you there, OK? Why don't you just try and repress that next memory? We need a plan.
I've got a plan.
I'm out of here, throat cheese.
We could really use your help.
Tell me something I don't know.
The doorknobs are gone.
The phone's dead.
These fish are plastic.
Something weird is going on.
No kidding.
Look at this.
There's nothing on this shelf but cookbooks and squirrel figurines.
What? A guy can't have hobbies? Holy monkeys.
Wyatt, unless Dad just dropped a chunk of change on Central Air, I don't think this is your room.
OK.
So, who ordered the Hawaiian Sunrise? Oh my god.
It's Ted Lange from "The Love Boat.
" Hey, So how are you swinging dudes doing? I thought these drinks might help you relax.
What were you doing in my closet? That's not important, my man.
What is important is that you forget about that ventilation shaft and just kick back and have fun right here.
Call me crazy, but I'm finding it a little hard to kick back when there's a billion miles of empty space where the front yard used to be.
Whoa.
You're not really Ted Lange, are you? OK.
I'll be straight with you cats.
I'm just a comforting image plucked from your memories to help you stay cool.
So, how about a little shopping trip in the Puerto Vallarta? And which Puerto Vallarto would that be, my man? The one with the dissection tables and the butt probe? Thanks, I've been there, and it was no day at the beach.
Let's blow! I really don't think that's a good idea.
Yeah, well neither was the reunion show.
See ya.
Say hi to Doc.
Our scanners have shown you to be a very special being, Lisa.
Intelligence, a staggering level of physical attractiveness, much like ourselves.
Did your scanners tell you I possess magic power capable of reducing you and this ship to space dust? Magic? Your tricks may appear as magic to the tiny brains, but to us your powers are nothing that the Zappermatic couldn't handle.
That thing? You're gonna have to do better than a TV remote to replace me.
Pretty good.
Huh.
You see, it's not your powers we want.
It's you.
We've traveled through many galaxies and seen many candidates, but you, Lisa-- you are the one we've chosen to be our new queen.
A queen? Like the queen of England, with the throne and the crown and beautiful clothes? Actually, less like the queen of England, and more like a queen bee.
Huh? Our race is dying out.
We need a female to reproduce with.
You could still wear a crown.
Where we going, Chett? This may surprise you, but I know a little something about surviving an alien abduction.
All we have to do is find the power source at the center of this baby, drop an explosive charge down the chute, and smacko, it's over.
Yeah, we all saw "Star Wars," big guy, but I don't think we're inside the Death Star.
You want to settle this right now, spaz? Make my day, probe boy.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Will you guys grow up for a minute? Lisa's trapped somewhere on this ship, and we are her only hope of getting out.
She needs us.
Yeah.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
Lost my head.
Who the hell is Lisa? So explain this again.
As your queen, my duties would be-- Host diplomatic dinner parties, christen new ships, and mate with every male of our species to produce the next generation of alien babies.
Of course, we don't call them that.
To us they're just lovable, gooey gray sacs of joy.
Uh-huh.
Newsflash, rock head.
It ain't gonna happen.
You're not exactly my type.
I know, I know.
The thought of mating with someone like me is hard to imagine, but we don't all look like this.
Some of our species are staggeringly attractive, even by your standards.
Perhaps this will change your mind? These are some of our most handsome males.
Well, now we're talking.
A little cologne, nice suit.
Sure.
What the hell? Help! Help! Why are you screaming? This is how we humans show sexual arousal.
I'm afraid I can't control it.
Help! Help! Help! Are you guys smelling something? Yeah.
Like old spaghetti.
Or cat litter.
Or coffee grounds.
This isn't a ventilation shaft! It's a garbage chute! I'll go to hell before I let the kennel club flush me out into space.
Come on, let's go.
Go! Go! Go! Lisa, have you ever held a glittering piece of crystallized antimatter from the twin time holes of Andromeda? No.
I haven't.
Because I happen to have one in my suite, if you'd like to see it.
Maybe later you-- Unit 6, this is a bad time.
But sir, the tiny brains have-- It can wait, Unit 6.
I'm about to orscay.
Whoa! Well, this is inconvenient.
Lisa, you all right? Yes.
You said you were beaming them back to Earth.
You think all this beaming up and down is free? We're accountable, you know? Besides, it was too risky to return them.
Looks like it was risky to keep us, too.
Get back, butt crack.
You don't know what you're playing with.
Like I've never seen a portable high energy particle beam blaster.
I get these mail order back home.
Listen to me, tiny brain.
You're dealing with a species so far advanced from your own that all I have to do is think it, and your planet is destroyed.
Oh, yeah? Well, you do that, and you're going to be in a lot of trouble, my friend.
[LAUGHTER.]
What's so funny? You said trouble.
That sounds like our word, trundle.
So? In our language, trundle loosely translates to your word doody.
See what I mean? Oh, yeah.
You're highly advanced, all right.
Well, sorry we couldn't come to an agreement, Lisa.
Unit 6, delete the humans.
Yes, sir.
I'll have this flesh bag subdued by the time you can say po-- You're quick.
You're ugly.
You don't stand a chance, human.
I'm stronger than you in every way.
Whew! You can say that again.
Come on, Chett.
Do that thing you do to me.
You know, the really painful thing.
-The nipple twister? -Jinx! You owe me a Coke.
Ha ha ha! Finish it, Unit 6, or you'll be vaporized.
You're going down, pus wad.
Who's the pus wad here? At least I don't have to take orders from Johnny Good Looking over there.
I have to, human.
They're far superior than any other creature.
You could kick his butt.
Yes.
But I'd have to find it first.
[LAUGHTER.]
What's so funny? Come on, you're fighting the wrong guy here.
Who are you more like, him or me? Capiche? You're right.
Do I have to do everything around here? All right, Chett! Let's get out of here.
Stay.
Together we can whip these leather heads and take over the ship.
I don't know.
I've got a whole life back on Earth.
Friends, responsibilities.
And your face is kind of freaking me out.
I know a planet populated entirely by sex-crazed Drew Barrymore look-alikes.
Little bro, you can have my room.
What do you say we pack up our tiny brains and blow this popsicle stand? Ready when you are.
Pretty close call, huh, Lis? If Chett and his buddy hadn't come through, I'd be out on some dinner date with Steve number 6,000.
Ew.
You think Chett'll ever come back? I don't know.
I bet by now he's missing home.
Hey, guys.
Drew, Drew, Drew.
Wait for me, Drew.
Drew, Drew, Drew.
I'm coming, baby! You're going to have to zap him back.
No rush, though.
THEME SONG: Weird Science.
Fantasy and microchips shooting from the hip, something different will make it weird science.
Pictures from a magazine, bits and pieces.
Bits and pieces.
My creation, is it real? It's my creation.
I do not know.
It's my creation.
From my heart and from my hand, why don't people understand my intentions?