What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s04e04 Episode Script

1
Business is
booming at the nightclub, baby!
Cheers.
Let's face the music ♪
And dance ♪
That little
tap-dancing freak that clawed
its way out of the abdominal cavity
of dead Colin Robinson
is causing such a buzz.
We are pulling in
capacity crowds of vampires
and humans night after night.
The only real problem,
apart from the blood
sprinklers clogging yet again,
is the fucking employees.
How many of our patrons have died
in wraith-related accidents
in the last week alone?
- Five.
- What? Five?!
But, you know, four of them were human.
Yeah, okay, that's not so bad then.
But still, what is going on
with these wraiths?
Maybe they are having issues
with how they're being treated.
I gave them jobs. I'd say that's
pretty bloody good treatment.
Yes, but you do make them
sleep in the supply closet.
Well, it is better
than sleeping in the street.
You can remind them of that.
Maybe if you just listened to them
and heard them out
Their concerns, you know, and
- You know
- Hold it, hold it.
Are they intentionally underperforming
in order to get their way?
You know, it does seem
like they've organized
- some sort of labor action.
- This
- I know how to handle.
- Ah.
Kill them all.
One, two, three, four. ♪
There may be trouble ahead ♪
- Come on.
- But while there's music ♪
And moonlight and ♪
Uh, I-I forgot the words, Laszlo.
What is this tomfoolery?
This is a rehearsal for you,
- not for me.
- But, Lazzo, guess what?
- You're tired.
- I'm tired.
I-I'm at a really good part
of my book and I
Not the fucking book again.
Give it to me.
I-I don't have it.
Yes, you do, boy.
You've tucked it
in the back of your trouser.
- Give it to me.
- Fine.
Fairy tales?
This is bullshit.
And highly inaccurate.
"Little Red Riding Hood"?
You know,
that's a tale about a gruesome,
unsolved child abduction.
That's not true. I don't believe you.
Really? You're an expert, are you?
What about this one, "Rumpelstiltskin"?
"Rumpled dick skin," more like.
You know that's how he got
his name, this chap?
- Doesn't say that in the book.
- What's "dick skin"?
What is dick skin?
That's a bloody good question.
And not one that you should be asking.
Let's get on with the last song.
So you will be meeting with Xerxes.
Okay? He's the one
that they've elected leader.
- Oh!
- And here he is. May I present Xerxes.
Hello, X rexes.
Xerxes, why don't you start?
He says,
"Thank you for taking the time
to work through these issues."
Very good. Oh.
"We have a list of demands
to be addressed."
- Fine.
- "Number one.
"We require more than one break
"a day so that we may haunt
the descendants of our transgressors."
We would all like to have
more time for our hobbies.
"Number two.
"We will not be blamed
for all phantom smells at work.
"This is an old building
with old pipes, and the smells
emanating therefrom
are out of our control."
Okay! Enough!
I have given you
and your weird faceless friends
a job and a lovely,
warm supply closet to sleep in.
Without me, you would have nothing.
Goodbye. Gamísou.
I don't have time for this skatá.
Mm.
"That went well."
Think that's supposed to be a joke.
Wraiths aren't really known
for their sense of humor.
"'Twas upon the fourth year
"of the Nine Years' War
"that the battles of Barfleur
and La Hogue
tested the will
of His Majesty's fleet"
- Can we please read one of my books?
- Absolutely not.
- Please?
- Real books about real people
concerning real things that happened.
Oh, Laszlo, just read him
some of that baby bullshit
- he likes so much.
- Yeah, maybe the one
about the elves and the shoemaker.
All right.
I'll tell you the real story.
Some third-rate cobbler
ripped to the tits
on formaldehyde fumes used
in his leather tanning process
imagines he's seeing
little elves do all his work.
Loses his business, kills himself.
The end.
Aha! Yes!
This will do very nicely.
Everyone! We're going
to the night market!
A night market actually exists
in every single town.
But it is always hidden from the
prying, pathetic eyes of humans.
The night market is a bit like
the famous Italian street fairs
of Little Italy.
Very diverse.
Lots of different cultures represented.
Sticky shit all over the ground.
And a good place to pillage
or barter tchotchkes.
It is truly the only place where
we can set aside our differences
and work towards a common goal:
to fuck the other guy
before he fucks you!
- It's just a work thing.
- Okay.
I'll call you after. I love
What do you require from
the night market, my darling?
Oh, you know,
just a special little something
to help try and solve
my wraith labor problem.
Will it be safe
for someone like me to go?
- Meaning as a human?
- I don't care.
- Yeah, do not worry, Guillermo.
- Hurry up.
If anyone asks, just say
you're an orc or some shit.
Well, I don't look like an orc.
- Do I?
- Mm.
You could pass.
I am very excited for this trip
as well.
Even though we live in the same house,
it's so rare that Nandor asks me along
when he has an outing
with his friends, so
You know what? I changed my mind.
- Nice work.
- I think I'd rather just stay home.
Oh, no. Marwa, this is
a big fat bummer I am hearing.
But, okay, fine. I miss you already.
- Bye.
- Come on.
Of course Marwa is my one true love.
But she's always hanging around.
Sometimes it's just more fun
to hang with just the boys.
Yes. This is the one that goes
to the night market. Come on. Come.
- Come on, boy.
- I'm going.
- Quickly, quickly.
- Are you sure about this?
This looks like
a regular train full of normal people.
How dare you question me.
Ah. Attention, ladies and gentlemen!
If I could just have
a few moments of your time.
I'm trying to raise money
for my Uncle Jeffrey.
He needs a new heart.
So please enjoy this performance
and know that anything
you can give, anything,
will help.
Oh, wow.
Disgusting.
That is dynamite.
All right!
If you're still here,
you know why you're here.
- Next stop, the night market.
- Told you.
- He was fantastic.
- Well done.
- Are you still doing requests?
- Not for a couple hours.
- Ah.
- Ooh. Looks pretty busy.
Okay. Everyone.
Come on, boy. Don't get lost.
- Come on.
- Exciting.
Night market awaits.
Holy cow. Look at all of this.
- This is pretty cool.
- Put that down. They're overpriced.
Darling, maybe it's
time to get you a new coffin.
- No.
- Put your kids in cages!
Witches.
Yes, how much for that one up there?
- You don't need any more cages.
- Shh!
While it is
progressive that the night market
is a safe space for all of demonkind,
sadly, we have no one form
of currency between us all,
so we have to rely on the old ways.
Stinks. Oh.
AKA the bartering system.
Lots of people usually end up dead.
I say, do you have
any historical books?
I do, sir.
Luckily, I come from a long line
of highly-skilled hagglers.
My giagiá, she once traded
just a little bit
of her thigh meat
for a whole bag of onions.
So, yeah, I think
I know what I'm doing.
We're here.
Hey, girlfriends!
How's it hanging?
- Ja.
- Ja.
Valkyries are a group of maidens
who were sent by the gods
to the Viking battlefields
so they could choose
who amongst the slain
they thought was worthy
of a place in Valhalla.
They are, um, interesting folk.
Eh. They're quite
They've got zero banter.
Absolutely no laughs whatsoever.
Okay.
Hold on to your huvudbonader, ladies,
because I don't think you'll
find this little tasty piece
while antiquing in Connecticut.
Note the cobalt blue glaze.
The white base.
And use of porcelain interior.
- Ja.
- Ja.
I literally
just grabbed this from Nandor's
room before I left the house.
Now, what do your books
tell you about fairies?
Well, fairies are pretty little
women that can fly around,
and they live in mushrooms.
Really? A likely story.
What do we have here?
A rancid pail of garbage.
Hello, my beauties.
- Laszlo! - Laszlo!
- You're looking
healthy.
Yeah, we've been eating garbage.
Yeah. Love to chat, but, uh
got things to do.
Enjoy your pile of shit.
- Fuck off. Close the lid.
- Yeah, fucking close it.
- Yeah, yeah, well, I am gonna.
- Stop talking.
- I just said that, didn't I?
- Stop talking. Fucking close the lid.
Fucking Whoa.
Real fairies.
Well, go on, then.
- Yeah.
- They smelled like shit.
- Oh, wicker baskets. I love these!
- No.
You don't need any more
wicker bask Oh! Sorry.
What human dare mingle amongst us?
Uh, I'm not a human.
Um
I'm an orc.
- My mistake. Have a good one.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Do I really look that much like an orc?
All right!
Excellent. You will love this!
- What, what is this?
- This is the familiar fights!
- Wait, what?
- I haven't been to one
of these in ages.
And another sort of weak,
flailing blow to the paunch.
Neither of these two
in any condition to be fighting.
Basically, a vampire will say,
"I have the toughest familiar."
And then another vampire will be like,
"No, my familiar is even tougher."
And then they get the familiars
to fight each other,
and whichever familiar kicks the
shit out of the other familiar,
he is the winner.
That sounds absolutely terrible.
- Crush his bones! Yeah!
- Look at him go.
That's got to not hurt that much.
Oh, yeah. I think
we should break the arm.
Break his arm!
- Don't break his arm.
- Oh!
That's nothing. In the old days,
they used to tear the head off.
What are we thinking, folks?
Should we do the head?
Oh, great, they're still doing that.
- Yes!
- Oh, no.
- No, shouldn't do the head.
- Head! Head! Head! Head!
Head! Head! Head! Head! Head! Head!
Head! Head! Head!
Head! Head! Head! Head!
Head! Head! Head
I think I want to do the head.
- Yay!
- Head! Head! Head! Head!
Give it up for our new familiar
champion, this
piece of shit right here.
How are you supporting this?
It's so wrong in so many ways.
You're right, it is.
'Cause you could take
any of these guys.
- That's besides the point.
- Hey!
This vampire here thinks
that his familiar
can beat any of our familiars!
- Prove it!
- Take off that tailcoat.
- Yes, okay, let's do it, come on.
- No.
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not doing it.
- Come on, let's do it.
- I'm not
- doing it.
- Right.
Uh, no, no.
My familiar will not
be fighting tonight.
Boring!
Why? Is the little guy scared?
- No!
- No, Master
the only thing my familiar is scared of
is beating all of your familiars
all at once, 'cause that's
how tough my familiar is.
Keep dreaming!
Oh, them's fighting words.
Why did you say that?
They insulted you, Guillermo.
And insulting you is insulting me.
It is a matter of honor now.
- Okay, he wants in!
- He wants in! Oh!
He's gonna get it!
You're gonna get it.
What's your name, little buddy?
No one gives a shit. Let's fight.
So, my trading is going very well.
To the Valkyries I gave
the vase, and then they gave me
their rarest delicacy
The little meatballs
in the brown water.
I don't know why
Valkyries sell meatballs
and furniture,
but I'm not going to criticize
the ways of other cultures.
The little tiny meatballs,
I traded with the Imps,
'cause the Imps love tiny foods.
Thanks, guys.
It's a comedy T-shirt!
I just know that
there's going to be someone
who very much wants to trade for this.
You got this, Guillermo!
Just hit him! Just hit him!
That's got to be the Dodge
of the Night Dodge of the Night,
brought to you by Dodge Ram trucks.
Check out the new 2022
Ram Pickup at your local
Look, I don't want to hurt you, okay?
Don't run away from him!
Hit him!
Whoa!
That little fucker can move.
Sorry. Are you okay?
- That's my fucking guy!
- I didn't touch him.
He did it to himself, okay?
Zero blows taken, zero landed.
They can't all be bloodbaths, folks.
But
we have ourselves a new winner
- Yes!
- This guy!
Suck it! Suck it!
Let's have
another fight. Hopefully he dies.
Now, my point is, sometimes
grownups lie to children when the truth
is too horrifying for them.
- For instance, that Pinocchio there.
- Whoa.
See his nose don't
stare it's just a medical condition.
- It's got bugger all to do with lying.
- Oh.
And as far as I know,
he was never a puppet.
- Okay.
- Behind us,
- see those garden gnomes?
- Yeah.
Well, they're real.
- Think they look happy?
- I guess.
They're not. They're shit scared.
- You stare at them, they freeze.
- That's sad.
And sometimes grownups lie to children
- 'cause the truth is just so boring.
- Okay.
Now, you've read The
Emperor's New Clothes, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, here's one now.
So, he's just a common German nudist.
And behind him is a witch.
They're very real,
and one day, they'll fight
- to get hold of your semen.
- Oh.
- But not in a fun way.
- What's semen?
Hit him! Hit him!
I'm not gonna hit him, okay?
Okay, that was really close to my face.
Come on, don't play with our food.
For me, just him just once!
And another high-flying
capoeira kick that does nothing.
Look, we don't have to do this, okay?
We're both familiars.
- So why don't we just sha
- Smoke in the face.
- That's got to hurt.
- Don't let him do that, hey!
Whoa! Oh! What the
I'm just trying to talk to you
like a regular person.
You're being kind
of a fucking dick, okay?
Yeah, now hit him!
Look, we don't have to
do this. We're both human.
- Come on!
- Okay! Are you okay?!
You're dead! Finish him! Hit him!
Now it seems like the hot one's
running out of steam.
Are you okay?
Stop talking to him
and just hit him, Guillermo!
You know, nowadays there's
really no reason to smoke.
He's going down! Hit him!
Now our
familiar's having an asthma attack.
- Is there a doctor?
- Ay
Is someone a doctor? Somebody?
We're not hurting anyone to
Aw, fuck.
And we have ourselves a winner again.
Suck it!
- You suck it! You suck it!
- Yay.
He won again. Yay.
It's this way.
So, the night market
kind of goes on forever.
Afternoon.
It's sort of infinite
and it has dark, dirtier sides.
Bit like me.
Nice place.
Just gonna take a little
look around or whatever.
Small skull, nice.
You got some nice stuff.
Not what I'm looking for, though.
I think what I'm looking for
might be something that you might put
under the counter.
How do I know you're
not with some form of
law enforcement?
Hey! Fuck you, man.
Would a cop have this?
A piece of clothing
with a very misogynistic joke
that makes a complete mockery
of common traffic safety laws.
- Huh? Huh?
- The bitch fell off.
I think even my bitch
would get a kick out of that.
Yeah, she would.
All right, you give me that shirt,
I got what you're looking for.
- I need eyes on it.
- All right.
Keep your knickers on.
Let me have a look down here.
Here we go.
I think, uh, this
is up your alley.
We have a deal! Take the stupid shirt.
- Yes!
- We got a winner.
He stole her glasses
and she couldn't see.
- Boring.
- Give me my glasses back.
I'm gonna give
your glasses to your master.
Lot of jawboning going on.
Okay? Here you go.
It was nice meeting you, okay?
A little less hot air,
but I present to you
our new familiar champion,
this guy right here.
Never caught his name,
never caught his name.
And as a reward,
what we all know humans love most.
Some dried-up dog food.
They love that shit.
They love it. And now
- it is time for our main event.
- Yes.
- Our champion familiar versus
- Oh, come on.
Our champion vampire,
Gorgo the Murderer!
Look at him!
I'm gonna murder you so fucking hard.
Undefeated when it comes to murder.
Aah!
Give us one moment.
Murder him! Murder him
You shouldn't fight this guy.
This is a guy that's gonna
rip your head clean off.
Actually, he's not. He's a vampire.
And, remember, I'm a vampire-killer.
Oh, yes, I always forget that.
Okay then, go kill him! Go kill him!
Go kill him! Go!
Just one second.
Sorry, once second. What?
What's gonna happen when a room
full of vampires sees
a familiar kill a vampire
for the first time?
Good point. Wait.
I think I have an idea.
- We leave?
- No.
Vampires!
Can I just Give me that.
Vampires, a fight
between this poor familiar
my closest companion for 13 years?
- Yeah!
- Against this
ruthless vampire?
This is sick!
This is
Sorry. Can I just Thank you.
This is Not you.
This is sick!
But you know
what would be even more sick?
- What?
- A battle
between him
and me.
Who wants to see me pulverize
my closest companion of 13 years?
- Yeah!
- Who wants to see that?
Kill your friend!
Kill your friend! Kill your friend
Right! I'm going to kill my friend!
Kill your friend! Kill your friend!
Kill your friend! Kill your friend!
Oh, this isn't gonna take
very long, ladies and germs.
Kill my friend.
Kill your friend
That's what we all want to see.
All right, here we go, baby!
- Circling
- Kill your friend! Kill your friend
circling
I'm not gonna hurt you, Guillermo.
I'm just gonna take you out
with one punch,
and then carry your body away.
Don't you think we should put on
a little bit of a show
for them, at least?
It's implausible
that it would take any longer
than five seconds for me to beat you.
Is it, though?
I mean, remember last time?
Hey!
Please, I let you win
to teach you a lesson.
And, anyway, you did cheat
just a little bit.
I didn't cheat.
You did just a little bit.
I didn't have to.
- Come on, this is boring!
- Okay
little man, bring your best.
Okay, looks
like the little guy's voguing now.
Whoa!
We got stakes! We got stakes.
- You cheeky little shit!
- Oh, the stakes are high.
Come here!
Oh, we got ourselves a
fight, ladies and gentlemen.
We got ourselves a fight.
Come on, kill your friend.
Oh, and we're doing flips
He killed my friend.
- What the fuck?
- That was a mistake.
Stop throwing stakes.
- It's rude.
- Keep going, or
Eh.
Holy shit, he's Phantom Menacing.
Lot of flash.
Regular Darth Maul, Jr. over here.
I call him Darth Small.
- Whoa!
- Aah!
Boom goes the dynamite!
I am the winner!
Uhp, and look,
and there he goes. He's on the run.
That's right, you don't fuck with me!
Dumb move to run from a vampire.
- I am the winner!
- Then again, he is a familiar.
And they're known
for being dumb pieces of shit.
Uh, your friend's up there.
The fuck?
There he is, go! Kill him!
- Murder him!
- Oh.
That's nice. How much for this one?
It's getting slicey.
We got a swordfight.
Getting a little edgy. Whoa!
Collateral damage, but we love
to see it, folks.
- Look what you made me do!
- What?
Guillermo, you're really
starting to piss me off!
- Now he's swinging.
- It was your idea, remember?
- Get back here!
- This is your plan!
- Stop hiding behind Greg!
- Why are you mad at me?
- Sorry, can I
- Is this still part of the game?
Fuck you!
Now we're getting somewhere.
Okay, that fucking hurts,
you fucking dick!
Ah, you're disarmed!
Get back.
- Aah!
- Shit.
I guess Peter Pan can't fly.
Oopsies.
A predictable end, but an end
- nonetheless.
- Yeah!
- Are you not entertained?
- I killed my friend!
I killed my friend!
I may have killed my friend.
Oh, shit! He's got a shovel!
Hey-oh!
Finish him! Finish him!
Finish him!
Finish him! Finish him!
They are right, Guillermo.
Finish me.
- Finish him! Finish him!
- Finish that motherfucker!
Finish me!
What kind of a vampire am I
if cannot even defeat my own familiar?!
I'm not gonna finish anyone, okay?
I'm gonna let you win.
I don't really want to kill you,
but if it is the only way,
- then thank you.
- What? No.
I don't mean really kill me.
Just, like, pretend to snap
my neck or something,
so we can get the hell out of here.
- That's a much better plan.
- I want to see the blood!
- Ready?
- Ready.
Hey!
Snap! Oh! Oh, oh, oh!
He's dead as a doornail.
Dead as doornail, ladies and gentlemen.
We learned a lot tonight here
at familiar fights.
A lot about friendship, and how stupid
and false and artificial it is.
- You okay?
- Hey, folks, make sure
to take your familiar corpses
with you as you leave.
One moment,
I'll be right with you, Xerxes.
So
we went to the night market last night.
Oh, my, the night market, what fun.
- Mm.
- I already had plans last night,
so it's a good thing
I didn't get invited.
And, here, I got you a gift.
It came with these weird vials
of whatever this is.
I think I'll probably
just keep all of these.
And you can use the box to store
your brooches or whatever.
This is for me? This is so kind.
I am very kind. Very good boss.
I cannot remember the last time
someone got me a gift.
And I do have a lot of brooches.
- I didn't think anyone noticed
- Oh!
You have detected
the sweet, intoxicating scent of the
Water Lily of The Nile.
- Haven't you, Xerxes?
- Uh-oh.
Water Lily of the Nile.
That is what they call it.
It's a medicinal flower.
It's a narcotic that the Egyptians
used to bury with their dead in order
to help ease the sufferings
of the afterlife.
And according
to the Compendium Narcoticum,
- Some third-rate cobbler
- it is the only drug
that helps with the pain
of being a wraith.
Very hard to come by.
And it is said
that those little gobshites
will do anything for it.
Do I have enough of these to
give to all of the wraiths? No.
Do I have enough of these
to give to the one wraith
who tells all the other wraiths
what to do?
Maybe.
I think that is probably all I need.
Don't you?!
He won't do it.
Union solidarity is a big deal to them.
"We have a deal."
There you go. Pleasure
doing business with you.
That's how it's done.
I don't think they're happy.
If they all vote,
he can overrule them, right?
What?
Oh!
Oh, no!
Mm, shit, shit, shit.
"Xerxes is no longer our leader.
Also, he is dead." Obviously.
Fine! Fuck it!
You can have Mondays off with pay.
And I will build you five
new supply closets for you to sleep in.
Now get back to work!
There we go.
I know you've had a disappointing day,
so no rehearsal tonight.
Would you like me to read one
of your fairy stories to you?
Uh, that's okay.
I-I don't think
I want to read those anymore.
Maybe, can you read me something
from one of your real books
about real stuff?
I thought you'd never ask.
One of my personal favorites.
Oh, yes.
"The village of Holcomb
"stands on the high wheat plains
"of western Kansas,
a lonesome area that other
Kansans call 'out there.'"
- Are you still awake?
- Um, yeah.
It gets very heavy from here on in.