Xena: Warrior Princess s04e04 Episode Script

Xena Wake up What is it? Foot rot! Yeah, that's foot rot, all right! It itches like crazy.
Well, there's nothing I can do for you now.
Maybe if you had 'a kept it dry like I told you No, no, no! It was your idea to traipse through a dozen swamps to get to this god-forsaken place! Why couldn't you just leave your horse in a barn like a normal person? Argo doesn't like being couped up.
Besides, this valley's her home.
It's got plenty of space to run Lots of grass to eat Plenty of bugs Lots of infestation Hey, I didn't stop looking for you, and the same goes for Argo.
What was that? What? Something just hopped out of your bedroll.
Hold still.
What is it? A bald spot? No, it's lice.
I have not got lice.
You think I wouldn't know if I had lice? Lice I don't think so.
-Maybe if we put your bedroll in the river -This way.
Let it soak there, then slap it up against a rock or two.
That would probably get rid of the little buggers.
-This is Argo's trail.
I'm sure of it.
-Then again It could be too late.
There might be a family of badgers living in there by now.
Give it a rest, Gabrielle.
No, not till you clean up your act, Xena.
Hey! I'm not the one with a fungus among us.
Oh, yeah, that's poetic Did one of your bug friends whisper that in your ear? Did you hear that? There she is.
She ran away.
Maybe it wasn't Argo.
It was Argo.
I know my own horse.
Well, she didn't seem to know you.
Maybe she heard us talking about the lice and then she she was scared away.
All right, that's enough.
Oh, you wanna piece of me, huh? Fine, I'll give ya a piece of me! Come and get it.
Come on.
I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind! Oh, I can see.
It's a miracle! Hi.
I figured I'd find you guys here.
The trail was too easy to follow.
-Any idiot could find ya.
-Evidently.
-What brings you here, Joxer? -Well, I'm on a mission.
There's a band of marauders that's raiding a village and they vowed to come back and finish the job.
But the villagers paid me to protect them.
So, let me guess.
You want our help? No No No I've got things completely under control.
-When do you want us to start? -How's now sound? -Fine.
-What about Argo? She saw me.
She knows I'm here.
Ah, she'll probably meet up with us later.
Ok.
Then, it's settled.
We're a team! Joxer, the Mighty, and his mighty band of mighty men Girls Uh Mighty Joxer, the Mighty, and his fighting, mighty, women fighters Fighting Mighty In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS That's strange Argo seems to be deliberately avoiding me.
-Sum'in's wrong.
-Yeah, you're telling me Xena It's green.
It's red.
It's on the move.
-Sum'in's bothering Argo.
-Hey! Hey! Human suffering here.
Xena, my fungus is spreading like wildfire.
Gabrielle, just take your mind off the itching.
What about breakfast? We're out of food.
Ah, hang on.
Here's some berries.
No! Don't eat those.
They can play tricks on the mind.
Wait a minute.
There's a rabbit over there.
-I'll catch the rabbit.
-What? You're gonna catch the rabbit? Yeah! After all these years of watching you slaughter Nature's creatures I can do this.
Look, I don't want you near the food.
A lice-infested rabbit is not on my diet.
I don't have lice! It's dandruff! It's a minor scalp irritation, that's all.
Whatever.
I'll catch the rabbit.
Well, go ahead.
-No skin off my back.
-Hardy.
Joxer, tell me about these marauders.
Oh, yeah.
Well They thundered into town on horseback cutting down everything in their path.
I tried to stop 'em, but, of course, I was outnumbered.
-How many'ja see? -Up close and personal? One.
-One man? -One fist but it was headed for my face at the time.
I did get this.
It's scythian knife.
Is that bad? Well, it ain't good.
Scythians are pure evil.
Look What a magnificent beast! What are you waitin' for? Get me that horse! With a horse like that under me I'd be unstoppable.
And evil will rule the world! Bunny? Here, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.
Are ya hungry? Come here, bunny.
Yeah.
It's good.
You're such a cute little rabbit.
Hey, don't scratch me! So, those scythians are pretty good horsemen, huh? The best.
Their warriors will stop at nothing.
They're tough and ruthless.
Oh, and their women are rough and toothless.
-How many roads into that village? -One, but it's pretty treacherous.
Well, that's good.
I'll have to work quickly but, if I can block off that road Wait a minute, Xena, wait a minute.
I know, I appreciate what you're tryin' to do, but those villagers hired me.
And only Joxer, the Mighty, is gonna stop those scythians.
Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop them.
They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage.
Whaddya mean? They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage.
Think about it, Joxer.
Oh, it's a riddle! Ok, can I do one? A monkey, a rat and a beaver -Joxer -What? Have you noticed anything about my hair? Oh Yeah.
-Looks lovely! -No! Gabrielle She had this crazy idea about bugs or something.
Oh, your lice Yeah, I can see 'em from here.
I don't have lice.
Hey, listen.
I just thought ya liked bein' filthy.
Made ya look tough, or something.
-I'm not filthy! -Hey I'm not the one who has the lice.
I don't have lice! Well, girls, anyone want some more radish stew? You know It's not my favorite thing to eat, either.
But somebody let the wittle wabbit get away.
Joxer You're lucky it was me back there.
That little bunny would have ripped your head off.
Well, I'm serious! That was one tough rabbit.
Yeah, sure it was.
Real man-killer.
Xena If it'll make ya feel better, I'll go look for Argo.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that'd take a load off.
She can smell me from miles away.
Here, Argo! Maybe she's enjoying her freedom.
No, she's angry.
Why? I've never left her alone for this long.
I know what it is.
She saw me ride off another horse! Are you saying that she's jealous? She's hurt! She's gotta be hurt by that! Xena Maybe she's just visiting her old haunts.
I mean, this is where you found her, right? Yeah Yeah, I thought she was the most beautiful horse I'd ever seen.
We bonded immediately.
It was like we were made for one another.
We even knew what each other was Ah, yeah, that's it That's not my chakram that you're scratching your fungus on, is it? Yeah.
Yeah.
It is your chakram.
Xena Come on.
I just need relief! Gabrielle! Look, my fingernails are worn to the nubs! I need to scratch! No, you shouldn't be scratching, anyway.
It'll only make things worse.
I'm not gonna give it to you.
Don't make me hurt you, "Scabrielle" All right, "Eczema", what're you gonna do? Huh? You're gonna use your pressure points Go on.
Go ahead.
Go for it.
You can't touch me.
Come on, come on! You're really tough now, Warrior Princess? I couldn't find Argo anywhere.
And we had such hopes Hey, your hands are tied! You see, this was Xena's idea of a joke.
Funny, huh? You can untie me.
Ok.
Hey, where is Xena? She went to start a rockslide to block the path to the village.
Well, how are we gonna get there? She's starting it behind us.
Our path will be clear? Anyone following us will be blocked? Don't be such a A what? Never mind! Untie me Please.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You were just gonna call me an idiot or a a dork or something, weren't you? Joxer, I just need a scratch! Please! All right! I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to snap your head off.
It's my fungus talking! Joxer, come on, you know how I feel about you! How do you feel about me? Well, you know I value My what? What? What'd you say? I don't think this is a really good time right now.
Oh, sure it is, Gabrielle.
Go on, spit it out! Come on! I don't ask for much.
I just want my pony back.
-Where's Gabrielle? -Nature called.
No, it screamed like a wild banshee! You know Argo's a nice horse.
I'm sure a lot of people would like to have her.
Are you out of your mind? Argo wouldn't go to anybody else.
She'd die first! Argo Argo Argo Someone walked by with an apple and she followed him home.
That's what horses do! -What did you put in my breakfast? -Just radishes and water.
Why? My stomach feels like monday morning in Tartarus.
You know I just think you're feeling a little puffy, irritable, and bloated today.
Give me the scroll.
Next time, find your own bush! Girls, please, there's bushes enough for everybody.
Watch behind you.
A landslide has blocked the route that the rest of the men were to use to join us.
They'll have to take a detour and that could take a while.
-Shall we proceed without them? -No.
We'll wait here till they get through.
Give me more time to break her.
You think that'll work? I hope so.
I'd hate to have to kill such a beautiful animal.
Fear not! Joxer, the Mighty, has returned! Here's the guy that ran out on us! -Get him! -Wait.
Wait.
Wait, wait.
I'm Joxer, the Mighty, remember? Joxer, the Mighty He roams through the countryside Oh, not that song again! I can't get it out of my head! The meter is awful! Kill him! Now, wait a minute.
Hold on, hold on, hold it, hold it.
Look, I realize you haven't been real happy with my services, so, I've recruited two great warriors for you.
Meet Xena, the Warrior Princess and her sidekick, Gabrielle! They're gonna defend our village? Yeah, but we're gonna need a little help! Go to your houses and collect together all your your tools and your weapons.
Give Joxer a list of every able-bodied villager -and secure the outhouse.
-The outhouse? -Is that important? -It is to me! Get out of my way! Don't look, children.
-Oh, yeah.
-That'll teach ya.
What are you? Crazy? The scythians will wipe the floor with these two.
Relax! Everything's under control! Listen, would you guys stop scratching and picking for a minute? Everyone's gettin' nervous! Would you go out there and flex a little warrior muscle, please, and maybe kill something? We're doing all we can to avert an all-out war with the scythians.
But in the unlikely event that you will be called upon to act you'll need to use one of these.
I need a volunteer.
I pick you.
Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
Don't be shy, your mother wasn't.
-All right, hold that.
Got it firm? -Yeah.
All right, you got it? Oh, yeah, you got it! Hold it.
Even if everyone in the village learns to use a sword we're still in trouble.
The scythians have horses And lots of 'em! Good point.
I'm glad you brought that up.
See, I'm lookin' for a horse.
My horse.
It's gold, with a white mane One horse? Doesn't sound like much of a plan to me.
The scythians could be back at any moment.
-What are you gonna do about it? -Now, you listen to me! We have already blocked the roads so they won't be here for a while.
And that'll give us time to prepare.
Here's what we'll need.
What is it? A list of weapons? Linseed root? Willow bark? Uh, yeah.
We'll also need a room and a bath.
You can stay here.
And you're welcome to use the town's natural mineral bath.
Good.
Gabrielle? Let's go.
Hey You get used to the smell.
Are you sure this is necessary? Only if you wanna get rid of your fungus? What do the scythians want with these people? They're just poor They have nothing but mineral baths.
And greek fire.
What's greek fire? See over there? That's oil that's been heated deep in the ground In the wrong hands it can be very dangerous.
Guys! Guys! Great news.
I talked to the villagers They've decided not to stone you Us.
Decided not to stone me.
Xena, here's that medicine you wanted.
You were right.
All the villagers are having stomach problems.
-How'd ya know? -Just a wild guess.
Oh, well I got that list you wanted.
I've arranged all the villagers by height, weight, and fighting ability.
So, I'm gonna go marshal the troops.
Let's hope we feel better before it comes to that.
This stuff stinks! What is this? Sheep dung? Goat poo.
He's kidding, right? Just, yike.
Well, it's working, isn't it? Why, I oughtta No, lady! No, no, lady, lady! No! Oh, my Zeus, she killed Lenny! No! No! You thinking about Argo? It's hard not to.
Xena, I know how close you too are.
But I don't think she's holding a grudge against you.
You don't know how moody she can be.
She doesn't open up to you.
She doesn't like me, does she? What is it? Is it my personality? What? My hair color? The fact that I talk about her like she's a real person? You know We gotta watch for that innkeeper.
Why? What does he have? What? What? Ringworm? No, he's in with the scythians.
How do you know that? His place is the only one in town that isn't damaged.
My guess is he's already sent out a messenger and a scythian assassin is on his way.
Maybe he'll put me out of my misery.
-What are you drinkin'? -Linseed root.
You said it was good for my skin.
On your skin.
You're not supposed to drink it.
Well, so I mean, what could happen? Your mouth could go numb.
I can't feel my tongue.
Xena, I can't feel my tongue.
The numbness should go away in a few days.
What? It's not true.
What the? Gabrielle Wake up.
Stomach I did it.
Find out what you can.
Xena had just cut off the flow of blood to your brain.
What? What did you say? I said that Xena had just cut off the flow of blood to your brain.
Talk.
Talk! Tell us what you know.
Help! Somebody! Keep her away from me.
Keep talkin'.
All right I'm Euryalus.
My brother's is Acestus, the leader of the scythian army.
-What's he got up his sleeve? -I'm not tellin' you what he's got planned.
All right.
Gabrielle, go in there and give him a nice, big kiss.
All right! As soon as the rest of our men arrive he plans to attack the town from both ends at once.
He'll lead his elite guard from the south.
I'll bring in the rest of the army from the north.
I think the last part of that plan's just changed.
You don't know my brother.
He's not gonna leave me here in this jail cell to rot.
Don't tell us about rot! It'd be easier if we had Argo.
-What? -Argo! Yeah It'd be a lot easier if we had Argo.
Xena, what is it? It's Argo! What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? That's it, girl! Come on, it's me! Here! Tie this to the bars! Come on! We'll be back! Greek fire, it will be ours! And we will rule the world! Come on! I just can't believe that Argo would let someone else ride her.
What we had was such a beautiful thing I ruined it! Boy, did you see that horse that scythian was ridin' on? -What a beaut! -Joxer! Joxer, it was Argo.
It looked a little like Argo too.
He was kickin' her real hard.
What? Xena Maybe Argo didn't hear you.
Oh, she heard me all right.
So why was she lettin' that bad guy ride her? I don't know! But I'm gonna get her back.
-Joxer -What? -You're the secret weapon! -Me? You're going to neutralize the rest of the army, while I get my horse back.
I am? I mean, I am.
The whole amy? I don't know if my lice has fungus or my fungus have lice.
Who is that? This is the cook from Acestus' army who will ensure that Joxer's made welcome.
Do you really think that Joxer can do it? Gabrielle, he gave the villagers a stomach virus.
He gave us a stomach virus.
With any luck, he'll do the same for the scythian army.
-Did you see Argo? -No, I didn't No, I didn't.
The scythians treat their horses really well.
The commander's horse'll have her own tent That one.
You keep an eye out.
Any sign of trouble, just whistle.
Ok.
Remember now, Joxer, you're the secret weapon.
Oh, Joxer, the M-m-m-mommy! What did you want? Anyone hungry? Hey, girl! It's me.
I know I smell funny, but I had kind of a tough week.
Look I know you've been mad.
I know that you've been avoiding me.
But I've come back, and I'm never gonna let you go again.
So let's get out of here, huh? Thank you.
You know I'm a graduate of the Royal Athenian Academy of Cooking.
I cooked for the king before he died.
Here you go.
A little for you.
A little for you.
A little more for you, big fella.
I was the cook for the royal trojan army.
Their legendary flatulence had nothing to do with me, of course.
Ok.
Hey Now, you keep that up and everybody's gonna know that we're here.
Let's go.
Gabrielle, you can whistle.
I am not leaving without you.
What else could go wrong? I'm not givin' up on you, girl! Xena! This means the village is unprotected.
Take the rest of the men.
Go strike the village at once.
-Right.
-I'll take care of her.
That oughtta do it.
Quick! All you men, prepare to All right, Acestus Xena! All right, girl, you want me? You got me.
What are you doing? Defend yourself! Argo Here, let's get this off 'a you, huh? Ok There There I knew you couldn't do it to me, girl.
We've been through too much together, huh? You came pretty close, though.
Look out! Wait there.
You need a lesson in loyalty! Nobody touches my horse! -Come on! -Get on it! Are you all right, Xena? I've never been better.
Come on.
Look I missed ya.
I missed ya so much Look I promise I will never leave you alone for that long again.
I thought I was never gonna getcha back.
Just one thing How did Acestus win you over? What did it? Apples? Ya left me for apples? Well, thanks, pal! Thank you, Joxer, for saving our village.
Here's the five hundred dinars we promised ya.
Five hundred dinars? That's a lot of dough! With this kind of dough I'm gonna buy buy you a new village.
Here, take this! I can't accept it.
Grow.
Prosper! How can we ever repay you? Well If you ever thought of renaming your village Joxonia or Joxopolis I wouldn't object.
That was a nice thing you did.
You know, Gabrielle It's moment like that make a warrior's life worthwhile.
If you think about it, you brought down the entire scythian army without spilling a single drop of blood.
-True.
-Yeah, ya have talent.
It's contagious.
Yeah.
Joxer, the Mighty, immune to all diseases.
Joxer, the Mighty Never gets a fever He's eager as a beaver He's Joxer, Joxer, the How are you feeling? I'll live.
This week's been kind of tough on everyone, I guess.
But You know I'm always there for you and you're always there for me.
Friends I got all the friends I need!