Abbott Elementary (2021) s04e05 Episode Script

1
Hey, uh, the new golf course
up the street is apparently
gonna have AI swing assessments.
Mnh. I'm not a fan of AI, even in golf.
I just think it's cheating.
Like, you should
Aah! [GRUNTS]
- Oh, my God, Melissa! Are you okay?!
- [GRUNTS] I'm okay.
- BARBARA: Girlfriend, no!
- I'm okay. I'm fine.
- No, no. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
- All right. All right.
Look, no spill. No problem.
Has she always walked with a limp?
No, she has not. Ohh. Ohh!
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
♪♪
Remember to do both sides
of your math sheet
and ask your mom if you need help.
Yerr! Talent manager! Long time, no see.
I saw you this morning
when you dropped off Nick.
True. But you know what, man?
- The days are long, dude.
- Mm.
I ain't got no job. You know how it is.
I think that it's really cool,
by the way,
that you drafted my son for your class.
Yeah, I had to give up a couple
future first-round picks for him.
Oh, so it's like a rebuilding year.
I'm kidding.
Ah! You a funny dude.
I like when you make jokes like that.
It's nice we get to
chop it up like this.
I'll see you in one sleep,
dawg. All right?
- All right.
- All right.
- All right, now.
- All right, now.
- All right, now.
- All right, now.
- All right, now.
- All right, now.
Thanks for helping me
with my math sheet, Mr. Eddie.
Yeah. Of course, Jabari.
That's what I'm here for.
Now, I know math can be tricky,
but I'm really proud of you
for sticking with it.
I like your cup. It has cool colors.
Yeah?
Well, then you might like this pencil.
- Thanks, Mr. Eddie.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Jabari.
Mom, look what Mr. Eddie gave me.
Wow! This is nice!
Did you say "thank you"?
He did. He's really great with that.
Yes. He just loves being in your class,
- and he just loves you.
- Aww.
You know, and I'm really
appreciative because,
between you and I,
his daddy is a little
you know.
Let's just say I'm happy that he has you
as a role model.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Look, it's nice to hear that
I'm making a positive impact.
I used to underestimate it,
but connecting with the students
is the best part of the job.
[CHUCKLES]
The smells are the worst.
You just put everything [DOOR OPENS]
[CHUCKLES] Oh, oh, oh!
Are you good?
Oh, yeah. Never better.
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, were you gonna get coffee?
'Cause I could use a
cup if you were gonna
You know what? I'm good. I got it.
Just, if you don't mind grabbing my cup.
And the pot of coffee. And, uh, cream.
And a little just a little
sugar and a spoon.
And my cup's on
the middle shelf on the left.
So you need help?
No. I'm good. I'm fine. Ah!
Melissa, you are clearly worse
than you were yesterday.
- You need to go to a doctor.
- I'm fine.
I just, you know It hurts
before I have my coffee.
You're not fine.
You slept on the couch last night
because you couldn't make it upstairs.
And I know that because I heard you
peel yourself off the plastic
this morning.
I fell asleep watching
"Housewives", Jacob.
Get off my back.
It's okay to admit you
busted your ass, girl.
If I fell like you did,
I'd be in the hospital.
[CHUCKLES] But I never slip.
I never fall ♪
A lot of hoes gimme they number ♪
But I never call ♪
And that's all ♪
It's a little early, but, you know. Hey.
Melissa, why don't you just
go to the doctor
and get that checked out?
MELISSA: What's a doctor gonna do, Barb?
Tell me I'm hurt, treat my ailments,
give me medicine to feel better?
Literally, yes.
Okay, so I'm gonna pay
some schmuck an arm and a leg
to tell me what's wrong
with my arm and my leg?
- You hurt your arm, too?
- Ow!
That's a yes.
Plus, you go to a doctor,
they throw like 10
other diagnoses at you.
You go in with a bad back,
you come out in a body bag
with a bill stapled to it. No thank you.
[GRUNTING]
Thank you, Mr. J.
Looks like she gave up on the coffee.
Speaking of time to put
in cash for the new Keurig.
Contribute to your community.
Being broke is no excuse.
Happy to.
Ooh, this is crisp. [CHUCKLES]
You know, I-I would
if I had any cash to.
- Oh.
- What's your deal?
So, two weeks ago,
Barbara asked to borrow $5 cash
so that she could tip her nail lady.
I had some on hand, and she's my GOAT,
so, boom, I lent it to her.
No problem. [CHUCKLES]
But she hasn't paid me back yet.
Problem.
Why not just ask Barbara
for the money back?
It's just five bucks.
Exactly.
It'll just make me look cheap and petty.
Besides, it's the principle.
I would never forget
if I owed somebody money.
Well, that's interesting
because you owe me $300.
And guess what
I think about that every day.
Okay.
Hey, really good job today, Jabari.
But remember to work
on your short "A" sounds
like hat, fan, tap
- Dad!
- Yeah. That's That's one, too.
Oh, yeah. Got it.
- Hey.
- You Gregory Eddie?
- Yeah.
- I'm Darnell, Jabari's dad.
Nice to meet you, Darnell.
Yeah, nice to meet you, too.
I heard you gave my son a pencil.
Yeah, it was one of the ones
I had just lying around,
- and he really liked the colors, so
- Cool. Yeah.
No, his mom says he likes you a lot
that y'all like to chitchat all day.
Yeah, I mean, it's it's more teaching
than anything, but
Just heard you were giving out
pencils and whatnot.
I-I didn't really understand
what was going on.
Just trying to make sense
of the situation.
Mm-hmm.
Look, maybe we should, uh, start over,
maybe have a conversation
when Jabari's not here.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't get to decide
what my son can see.
He can handle a little
tough talk. He's seen worse.
We watch "Power" together all the time.
Uh, okay.
Well, he shouldn't be watching that.
I'm sorry. Are you saying
I'm not a good dad?
No, no, no. Look, I-I hear you, okay?
What can I do to fix this?
Cut the chitchat.
Don't give the boy no pencils. Period.
Got it.
Okay. Let's go.
- We out.
- I guess I'll give him pens, then.
- I'm sorry. You mumble something, playa?
- No, mnh-mnh.
No. Yeah, you definitely said something
to that camera over there.
See, you think you Deadpool.
Look, I don't really know
what's going on, okay?
See, we just met for the first
time and I'm not
- So now I'm a deadbeat?
- No, I'm not
- Now I'm a deadbeat?
- I'm not saying that at all.
I think what we need is
a little parent/teacher night.
Great. Let me just real quick
check my schedule.
Parent/teacher fight night.
What?
I'm gonna kick your ass.
Today, I gotta get a haircut.
But tomorrow, 3:00 p.m.,
outside, me and you.
Bring the heat.
And don't bring no pencils.
Let's go, Jabari. We out.
Tell me, was he hinting or
No, he was pretty clear.
He wants to whoop my ass.
- Who's getting their ass whooped?
- Gregory.
- 'Bout time.
- I mean, no one.
A parent wants to fight me.
- Ooh, a parent wants to do what?
- Fight me.
You remember Jabari's dad
from your class?
Oh, that young man is a piece of work.
What, like a s-strong piece of work?
You know, this happens
often with the male teachers.
Especially when
the father isn't around much.
They feel threatened,
so they want to threaten.
Well, I'm obviously not gonna
fight a student's dad, okay?
I'm not some uncivilized ruffian.
Why would you even say it like that?
That's the kind of talk that makes
people want to beat your ass.
[WHISPERS] You know he's gonna lose.
- [SCOFFS]
- Duh.
But I'm opening this up
for bets regardless.
MELISSA: Hey! You guys talkin'
fights and bets without me?
I'm on my way. Don't close the books.
There isn't gonna be a fight.
Darnell was probably
just having a bad day.
His name is Darnell?
Darnell vs. Gregory!
Name wise, he's a clear winner.
You going with Gregory?
I thought we settled on
the Baltimore Bobcat?
Look, he's all talk, okay?
Who Who Who Who
postpones a fight to get a haircut first?
Nothing more dangerous than a
Black man with a fresh haircut.
You are cooked.
Oh, we hanging outside
of Janine's classroom now?
Guys, put it in the Slack.
No, a parent wants to fight Gregory.
A West Philly Darnell wants
to fight Gregory.
[GASPS] That's how "Fresh Prince" began.
We can't lose Gregory to Bel-Air.
- He can't afford it.
- Okay, look. Enough.
There isn't gonna be a fight.
Then why even tell us about it?
I wasn't. I was talking to Janine.
Ever heard of
former welterweight champion
Milton "Iceman" McCrory?
- No.
- Good.
Training starts tomorrow.
Look, I just think
maybe you should really
Training.
Training is a good idea.
Hey, guys. I go Wait up.
Come on, come back. Start over.
Ow.
[DOOR OPENS]
Top of the morning, Abbott Elementary.
How you doin'?
What, you went bionic overnight
or something?
Or something!
Who is ready to have a great day?
- Whoa.
- Coffee. Coffee?
You look great.
So you went to the doctor?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to the doctor.
Dr. Feel Good, M.D.
Incredibly redundant, but go on.
I found some painkillers at the house,
and I am feeling
brand spankin' new, kids.
Those are mine. Look.
[SCOFFS] For Jacob Hill from 2014,
when he/I got his/my
wisdom teeth pulled,
and now he/I is/am pretty miffed.
- Ooh.
- Melissa!
These are way past expired.
Eh, they still work
if you double 'em up.
And now, because I am feeling so good,
I am gonna go for that fancy sugar.
[LAUGHS]
Ew!
Our Father who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name!
Ugh. Looks like a rotten plum.
Melissa, that needs medical attention.
You might feel good, but we
don't, looking at that ankle.
- God, that's horrible.
- Okay!
God! I will go see the nurse.
Just get off my case.
And leave the pills.
[HUFFS]
Mm-mm-mm.
Well, it is feeling
like a pretzel kind of day. Yes.
Well. Oh, heck, that's a five.
Well, darn. That's another five.
Another one.
Come on now. One, two, three, four.
Five singles.
God is good.
Well, okay, so for those following,
that's, uh, two fives
and then five ones,
which is 15,
three times the amount of five.
Very good, Janine, quick math.
Your students are lucky to have you.
Yes, they are. Ooh.
I'll make you them chicken
tenders and that mac 'n cheese.
Good morning, Jabari.
Hey, Lisa, can I talk to you
for a second?
Yeah. Go to your seat, baby.
All right.
Hey, so I met Jabari's father yesterday.
- Mm.
- He seems to have something against me.
Um, I was wondering
if either you or Jabari
mentioned me around him.
Around Darnell? Please, Mr. Eddie.
We barely even talk.
Except I was telling him
how kind and understanding
you are with Jabari.
And how much Jabari loves
and respects you.
And matter of fact, I did mention
how much of a good role model
you are for Jabari
and how much you'd be a really
good role model for Darnell, too.
And then I called him a scrub
and Jabari was like,
"Mm-hmm. True."
Yeah, the threats make
a little bit more sense. Yup.
- Oh, my God. Did he threaten to fight you?
- Mm-hmm.
That is classic Darnell.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
He is always tryna start stuff.
No need to apologize.
I'm just relieved to know
he's not actually planning to fight me.
Oh, no, no, no. He gonna fight you.
That's what he gonna do.
He's always tryna
start stuff successfully.
So he gonna hit you
with a couple body blows.
Then he'll be good.
You're gonna wanna guard
the back of your head.
All right, Jabari,
I love you, baby. Be good.
Wow. So, I heard all of that.
What I need you to know is,
as a fellow educator,
I got your back, brother, okay?
Unless he, like, real tall
and got, like,
a veiny neck and a chainsaw arm.
I don't need backup, okay?
I can take him.
I'm also not gonna fight
a student's dad.
Gregory, denial is not gonna
protect those cheekbones, okay?
We gotta come up with a plan.
Were you eavesdropping?
And I'm glad he was because we
really need to face facts here.
This guy might really want to hurt you.
Why all y'all in my classroom?
Greg, we're coming up with a
plan to save your life. Keep up.
I can come in here whenever I want.
Now, before the fight,
I'm gonna come at you
disguised as a roguish assailant.
You kick my ass, and then
Jabari's dad will think twice
before a round of fisticuffs
with you, killer.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
So it's settled. We gonna jump Jacob.
There isn't going to be a fight.
- Right?
- No, of course not.
But maybe you just leave
your class five minutes early
every day for the rest
of the year to be safe.
The kids are resilient.
Look, I'm not running away
before school's over,
but I'm also not going to fight.
- R-Right.
- Right.
But if there is a fight,
I will show up for you,
and I'll bring CSI and Miami.
Okay, Gregory doesn't need
backup. He's really strong.
Okay, well, fight me then.
There you are. I've been waiting
at the Rocky steps all morning.
Coulda text me or something.
Eat these. We got beef to pound.
Yeah. So what you gonna do
- Get out.
- All right.
Oh. That's interesting.
What? My heart? What's wrong with it?
I can't be sure, but it sounds like
you need to go to a doctor
and stop wasting my damn time.
Oh, not this again.
You are falling apart.
What do you want me to do?
Call your mama and send you home?
Yeah, I'd love to go home.
You need to go to a doctor
before you exacerbate these injuries
or cause more from overcompensating.
Eh, what do you know?
[GASPS] Oh, my back!
Oh.
I think you need this more than me.
That
Hey, Barbara. [LAUGHS] Hey.
I just wanted to come in here
and keep you updated
on the latest technology.
[LAUGHS]
Have you heard of
a new enterprise called Venmo?
It was really eating at me to
watch Barbara eat those pretzels
while she still owes me $5.
And she didn't even offer me any,
which is crazy because I love pretzels.
Famously.
They're cute, a little twisted
and salty like me
when I've been wronged.
So I'm gonna fix this.
I know all about MenVo, Janine.
Sometimes I send Melissa a few dollars
and an emoji just to say hello.
And other times,
I send Gerald a penny emoji
and a penny just to say
"a penny for your thoughts."
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.
You know you can send emojis
for free, right?
I did not. Hmm.
You know, if you wanted to
send anyone else money on there,
you could.
[HIGH-PITCHED] Are we friends on Venmo?
[NORMAL VOICE] Because you'll
never guess my username.
It's Janine Teagues,
and I'm wearing, you know, this
in the little profile picture
'cause it's a picture of me.
So if you wanted to look for it
or anything.
Oh. [SNAPS FINGERS]
Thank you for reminding me.
I meant to send my church
a praise hands emoji and $100
because tithing has gone digital.
Won't He digitally do it?
[BOTH LAUGH]
[FACETIME RINGING]
- Hey, son.
- Hey, Dad.
Um, look, I need some advice.
Well, you caught me at work.
I'm on my break.
What's going on?
So one of my students
has a parent that, um
wants to get into
a physical altercation with me.
What? That absolutely should not happen.
Thank you. That is what I've
been saying this whole time.
You're this kid's teacher,
and grown adults
should not be fighting anyway.
Exactly. I-I feel like I've been
living in the Twilight Zone.
Eddie men do not fight.
- Right.
- But we do fight back.
Huh?
You can't just stand
there and get your ass beat.
If he swings first, it's on!
Parent of a student or not,
you put your hip into it
like this right here.
You know, down goes Frazier!
Like I taught you.
Down goes Frazier! Yes, sir!
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
All right, Dad, I gotta go.
Call me back and tell me
how you won, son.
[LAUGHS]
Mwah! [LAUGHS] Like that right there!
Ding, ding, ding. Time to fight.
Wow. Two no shows?
In the event of a cancellation,
the house keeps the money.
Ooh, I think that's him right there.
Yeah, that's him. He got that mad walk.
My bad, y'all.
Parking is crazy around here.
Oh, yeah. It's that golf course
up the street, ain't it?
Yeah, you heard they building
houses, too?
I bet we ain't gonna see
the inside of 'em. [LAUGHS]
I know that's right.
Oh. There he is.
Come on down, Playboy.
[CROWD MURMURS] Uh-huh.
JANINE: Gregory, you don't
have to do this. [KNUCKLES CRACK]
It's not up to him, sweetheart.
Did you hear the tenor
of those knuckle cracks?
That is a man determined.
You showed up today.
That is so brave
and, honestly, so attractive.
No. Look, you need to go.
He's gonna kill you.
Look, he knows where I work, okay?
I'm just trying to put an end to this.
And don't worry.
I'm going with Jacob's plan.
That makes me worry even more.
I'm desperate here.
Hey, Gregory Eddie!
Yeah.
I heard you've been talking trash
about gay people.
- Whoa!
- What?
- No, no, no.
- Just Just go with it.
- No, no, break character. No, stop!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
First you cross me.
Now I'm hearing tell of homophobia.
- Gregory.
- Janine!
- I didn't know, I d I'm not. I'm not.
- I'm really
You got regressive views, Gregory.
That's not cool, man.
We think my cousin's
cousin might be gay.
Now I gotta beat your ass
for me, for Jabari,
for him, and for Frank Ocean.
[GASPS]
Hey! Move it! The fight has started.
They skipped the weigh-in.
Okay. I'm coming.
[WINCES]
Okay. I'm coming.
I'm right behind ya, Mr. J.
I'm
I'm getting there. [GRUNTS]
All right, I got your back, man.
Now open up, say, "Ahh."
I put six Capri-Sun in here.
All different flavors. I'm good.
When you gonna let me in, man?
[GRUNTS] I'm coming. I'm coming.
All right, gang, it's on and poppin'.
Any last-minute action?
Oh! I got five on it.
- Really?
- Here, buddy.
Feel better, now?
Somewhat.
Wait up!
Ow!
No bets less than $10, you paupers!
Shoot. I'm short.
Yeah.
Janine, can I borrow that five, please?
Thank you. There you are.
You really need to learn
boundaries, Janine.
Mm-hmm.
No. Yeah, I see the pattern.
But it's Barbara.
Don't let 'em start without me!
Okay. Okay. All right.
Just three steps.
Come on, you can do it.
No biggie.
Ahhh!
I need to go to the doctor.
All right, let's get this over with.
Jabari think I'm in the bathroom.
He gonna think I fell in.
You know what, Darnell?
You can hit me if you need to.
But I'm not gonna fight you.
What? Forfeit is crazy.
At least get disqualified.
I get it. You upset.
But we both on Team Jabari.
- Yeah. So?
- So we fight each other right now
we're no longer on the same team.
Now, Jabari is doing extremely well
and that's partly because I'm
a real good teacher to him.
But if I hit you, I become
something else to him entirely.
And I'm not willing to let that happen.
So you do what you gotta do.
Go ahead. Sucker-punch him.
You know what? I'mma be the bigger man.
But just know, if Jabari's
grades start slipping,
I'm coming back up here,
I'm gonna beat your ass.
All right?
All right.
All right.
I'll see y'all at report card pick up.
[LAUGHTER] Oh, my God.
I feel, like, so alive.
I mean, nothing gets me more fired up
than nonviolent conflict resolution.
Yeah, you better run.
I do I don't think he can hear you.
Yeah. Thank goodness.
Well, look at that.
Talent manager. Conflict manager.
That boy do it all. Good job, man.
Now, uh, which one of y'all
has seen my son?
Just kidding. He is right here
in my heart.
- Where is he?
- Karate class.
Okay.
The house wins. [CHUCKLES]
Don't make those faces.
We just paid for the Keurig.
Oh! All right.
Not bad.
- Whoa.
- GREGORY: Whoa, Melissa.
- You okay?
- Yeah. Grade 2 ankle sprain,
wrist bruise, knee abrasion.
So, yeah, like I said, no biggie.
Glad I got it checked out. [GRUNTS]
Ooh, wee! [LAUGHS]
- Net positive?
- I'll take it.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
All right. I should get to class.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
And if anyone else tries to
fight you, you tell me, all right?
Remember I showed you
those pressure points?
Oh, yeah, I remember.
I was passed out for like two hours.
I know you were faking it.
You're a terrible actor.
JANINE: Gregory is not just
a good teacher.
He's a good man.
I'm happy he didn't fight.
Although he could have taken him
if it came down to it.
Have I mentioned he's strong?
Like so strong. [CHUCKLES]
Good morning, Mr. Eddie.
Good morning. Welcome, Jabari.
Go to your seat, baby.
You know, I heard you diffused Darnell.
That couldn't have been easy.
You know, Jabari's last teacher
swung on him.
- His last teacher?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, Barbara?
Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah.
But don't worry.
He doesn't know what happened.
[SIGHS] Good.
These kids are really lucky to have you.
Bye, Mr. Eddie.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Be good.
- Okay.
I used the pencil
to do my math homework.
Oh, yeah. Let's take a look at it.
Okay. Yeah. Number three is wrong.
But it's okay. That's why
pencils have erasers.
Okay, I'll try again.
Okay.
Connecting with your students
is still the best part of the job.
Melissa, I am so proud of you
for finally going to the doctor.
Yeah, now I just gotta
get him to leave me alone.
"Book your next appointment.
Make sure you keep weight off your leg.
- Quit taking other people's meds."
- That was me this morning.
- What, did he tell you the same thing?
- Oh, she's going down!
- Oh! Oh!
- Sweet Jesus!
Oh! [LAUGHS]
Y'all must have forgot I'm me.
[CHUCKLES]
- Respect, respect.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Impressive, impressive.
- JACOB: Oh, my
I told y'all, I never slip. [CHUCKLES]
Reflexes like a cat owned
by Jackie Chan, baby.
[CHUCKLES] But, um, yeah.
Were they in shock?
Good. 'Cause I'm not gonna lie.
That hurt like hell.
[CHUCKLES] [DOOR OPENS]