Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s04e05 Episode Script

Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! What are you doing? What are these ones? - Is it blue? - I don't know.
Is it? I'm trying to get sorted, get organised.
- Is that a downer? - Is it labelled? - It's not labelled! - Well, it's just er Mmm.
The shit on TV.
Look at the shit - What? - Shit, look at that! Katy Grin! People have been doing some crazy things.
I can barely hear myself think! There's been bathing in baked beans, sponsored beard shaving, and someone even hopped all the way here tonight with a cake on their head! Amazing! She looks like a gerbil caught in the headlights.
It's the face on the mosquito before it hits your windshield.
And we've managed to raise the grand total of £23.
50 from Denham's department store.
Wow whee! Haven't we done well? So Oh, yeah, see you later in the studio around 2 a.
m.
Bye! Can you stop hopping now? That's why you don't want to be a celebrity.
- I do.
- No.
You don't want to be one of those skinny bitches who sticks on two patches of elastoplast and some dental floss and calls it an outfit! You don't want to whap your fanny out at a prem.
Or slither your tits out in the back of a taxi.
- I do, darling.
- They're just trash.
They're just mag fillers.
They're just recycled vomit.
I mean, it's just recycled snaps.
They come back again and again.
They just recategorise, stuff them up their arsehole, vomit them out.
You're not listening! You're not listening to what I'm trying to say! - If I was going to strip - No! Stop, stop, stop! If I was going to strip - No! - Wait! I would have to think about it very hard.
I would do it for the right reasons.
What are you talking about? - Going nude for Cosmo, darling.
- No! Yes, darling.
They want celebrities to go nude for Cosmo, darling.
It would be very tasteful.
I'd have control.
Really.
No.
There's not enough Vaseline in the world, or screw on a lens to make that acceptable.
Stop it! I just want to be famous! You just want someone to look at you sometimes.
I just want them to look at me.
The person that I'm not.
Before all the juice gets out of the carton What was that? - What the hell is that? - Oh, Eddie.
Is it Is it a bee? - Kasha? - Yeah? - You're moving your arms too much.
- Right.
- Do you want it this rigid? - Yes.
That's how I wrote it.
Ooh.
I quite admire you, actually.
Where is it, Eddie? Where is it? - Is it a bee? - I don't know.
It's down there.
You go, you go.
Where is it, darling? Eddie! Oh, Eddie.
Find it, kill it! - Kill it! - Darling, we need more drink.
Don't leave me here! Get the drink.
Oh, it's on me! It's here! It's on me.
The bee is on me, darling.
Take it off me! It's on me! What is it? Oh, it's a small shoe.
It's my phone.
It's my phone.
Phone? Hello? - It's crunching.
- Heavy breather? - No.
- Is it obscene? - It's crunching.
- Is it your stalker? You deal with a stalker by cutting off his stalk.
He's not my stalker.
I met my stalker.
E'd got the wrong person.
He was very apologetic.
Listen.
Um! Um! Listen to me.
I have to get out of here! Help! - Help! - Is that Serge? Um, are you listening? - Who? - Serge, my son.
Is that Serge? Um! Serge? Hello, darling! It's Mama.
Mama's here, sweetheart! Eddie! Darling, you're very stoned, sweetheart.
We're hallucinating.
This is Serge.
This is Serge.
Darling, I'm coming.
Mama's going to help you.
I'm going to call the police.
Not the police! Not the filth! Not the pigs! Not the porkies! I've got to help him.
- I'm changing my agent.
- Oh, really? Why? He pigeonholed me.
What as? Uncastable.
Saffy, can I give you a lift? I've got my car.
We could go for a drink.
No, thanks.
I've got my bicycle.
- Oooh! - Shut it! Oh, sweethearts, I love you.
- What's going on? - Aaah! I'm a registered addict.
Oh Where's Mum? She's downstairs with, you know, the squeaky shoe.
She's with the fuzz, the pigs, the porkers, our friends with the talking brooches.
The police? Oh, what's happened? Downstairs? He rang me on that phone.
- My son.
- You've had a night of it.
One drink! - What's happened? - Thank God you're here.
- Tell them I'm not mad.
- What is it? h, thank you! Your mother thinks your brother has been kidnapped.
He has been kidnapped! She received a call and he was pleading for help.
- What? - Yes.
- Serge? - Yes, Serge, darling.
Do you know your brother's whereabouts? Your mother didn't.
Just because he doesn't ring every half hour doesn't mean he doesn't live, love Love me.
Darling, where is he? Where is he, darling? He's in the Atlantic in a submarine studying plate movements.
What plates? Listen.
We're very busy.
Just call us if you hear any more.
We'll see ourselves out.
Have you got a night shoot on The Bill? Honestly, darling.
He rang me.
Why don't you check the last received call? Last received call? Last received call.
You didn't flush everything, did you? Look at this.
Look at this, darling.
That's not a number I recognise.
Let's see.
Is that your? My phone must have gone off by mistake.
But, darling, I heard Serge.
Were you with Serge? You must have heard my rehearsals.
Darling, I heard Ser I've written a play.
- What about? - A play.
It's It's about my life and it was a scene.
Someone playing Serge rehearsing.
Am I in it? Darling? Am I? Yes.
- You've written a play about me.
- No.
It's about me.
A play about me? Someone's doing it! Let's talk about this in the morning.
You've written a play about me? Oh, God Why? You little piece of dribble piss! Mum, it's only on for a week in a very small venue.
What are you worried about? Because I know the kind of play you will have written.
It'll make Mommie Dearest look like Winnie the bloody Pooh! It will be the truth.
Is that what you find threatening? Your truth! Your twisted little arsewipe truth.
- You'll have to stop it.
- No.
No, I won't.
And do you know why? Because I need to do this.
I need to drag the poison from me.
I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat for years.
To shout it openly.
For Christ's sake, darling, you're 20 Why can't you just move on? Move on.
- You should have had her adopted.
- I wish you had.
You tried to and I wish you had.
I used to dream of lovely families.
- You had a family! - You and that piece of flint! You dragged me up! I glimpsed into worlds I should have known nothing about - worlds with no morals and no responsibilities.
And not just glimpsed.
You took my face and pushed it up against the window! We should have pushed it through! I've got morals! How can you say that? You burnt and scarred my best friend! - Who? - Titicaca.
Oh.
Her name is Sarah.
Darling, she was standing with her pigtails too close to a candle! Act of God.
You were holding the candle! Christ! She got a therapist on insurance! I am not going to feel guilty about this! To do that you'd have to go beneath the surface, and no drill can crack that crust! God, you are so ungrateful! Some people think I'm pretty great.
Pats? Stop this, Eddie.
It's not important.
No, no, it's not important.
Not as important as the future of the structured handbag, or swing macs or pom-pom sweaters.
Not important to a woman whose job is to invent adjectives for pointless clothing! Stop it! You had everything! You had everything I never had! No.
You took it.
I was always alone.
Mum never took ME on holiday.
- I did! - Prove it! Where are the photos? - Where are photos of me? - We didn't have cameras then! Honestly! Why do you always want proof? You always want proof! Eddie, we took her to the park! Yes, we took you to the park.
It comes back! My life is like a constant winter.
Yeah.
She never thawed, did she? Rigor mortis set in during puberty.
She's so cold, I bet she has her periods in cubes.
I'm not doing this because I hate you.
I only want to be loved.
Well, darling, so do I, sweetheart.
There you are, Patsy.
I wonder if you could help me.
I need a strong pair of hands.
I've got a wardrobe stuck on the stairs.
Oh, sure, Mrs M.
Thank you, dear.
I'm giving it to sheltered housing.
Sweetheart, you know Mama loved you.
You were never here.
I got you a nanny.
No.
I always had to look after myself.
You've done a very good job, darling.
Oh, darling.
Darling, will you answer Mama a question? A serious question, darling.
And I want you to be honest with me.
Even though you think it might hurt me, you've got to say.
All right, darling? How fat is the woman playing me? Mum In this whole world, there will never be anyone as fat as you.
- Hello, Dad.
- Darling.
- Come in.
- Thanks.
Dad - Mum knows.
- Oh, my God! How? When? - I shouldn't be here.
- It's all right.
Cancel everything.
I'll pay the actors.
I really need your support on this.
OK.
Justin.
Pats.
And I don't know anything about it.
No, Gran.
Mum knows now.
Knows what, dear? About the play.
What play, dear? Oh, Dad.
Stop worrying.
It'll be all right.
I'm sure she's not as bad as you make out.
Why don't you just cut some of the scenes? - No.
- I'll pay you.
We've gotta kill this play.
How would I normally ensure a flop? - Promote it.
- Don't be so stupid! Why bother, Eddie? It's only theatre.
People in the dark facing the same way, not enjoying themselves.
It's just not important.
You'll have to write something in the papers.
Come on.
Do the dirty.
You must have an article in you somewhere.
Several, I should imagine.
I'm going to go on Ricki Lake, Montel, Tricia.
Think of titles.
I left my husband for a kidney bean.
And now he wants it back? - Read it.
- What do you want? - Be kind, Saff.
- Sorry.
I bring you an ulti - matimum? - Matum! Oh, matum from your mother.
You must cancel the play or she will be forced to spread bad word and hey, go on Ricki Lake or similar, to do "I left my husband for a kidney" No! The other one.
To do "dirty daughter did the devious on me "and stabbed me in the throat.
" She will show no mercy in the defecation of your character.
Mum! Come here.
Stupid girl.
I will do that, you know.
I will do that.
It opens tonight, so you're too late.
Oh, shit! Bollocks.
Is he in it? I hope you've put him in it.
Being married to him was like being married to an antique shop - full of crap and always closed! Old wood, aren't you? - Dad? - Whatever you're thinking, don't.
No.
Show Mum the photo of me in your wallet.
Show me the photo in your wallet.
Show me the photo you've got in your wallet.
What is this? Is that little Saffy? Oh, for God's sake, it's only a play.
Sorry, Saff.
You don't even go to the theatre.
You don't know anybody that goes to the theatre.
- It's not going to touch you.
- Oh, shut up! - Stop it.
- Can I go? No, you can't go.
Stay.
- I'm being picked up.
- This better be good.
Black matter is dragging us towards eternal dalmatian and before long, we will be cloned and turned into sheep.
So to avoid this fate, I am being picked up by a spaceship that's hidden in the tail of a comet.
- That'll be them.
- Don't be so stupid.
Have you got a purple tablecloth and gym shoes? - No.
- Then you're staying.
Hi, hi, hi.
Don't be scared.
It's only us.
Shalom! Full horror movie cast list now, innit? - Just ignore her.
- What happened to you? Oh, Marshall is a rabbi now.
We thought if Steven Seagal can be a lama, what the hell? Abundance, holiness and purity to you.
Well sung, honey.
- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.
- Have you come to see the play? - Play? What play? We don't see plays.
Only movies.
It's OK.
Mum knows.
Have a drink.
- Thank you.
- This isn't a party! This is hell! - I'm sensing tension.
- Leave it, Bo.
Listen, a guest for a while can see for a mile, as Rabbi Yunni Yardeni said on Letterman.
And over the red thread.
There is healing to be done.
Be careful.
This is expensive stuff.
Don't be stupid.
I bought it wholesale at the fabric store.
Hi! Hi! Shed your evil shell.
Shed your You don't have an evil shell.
You're precious.
OK.
Oh, there's some evil in you.
Don't try to lie.
- Exciting.
- More thread over here.
Oh, God.
All eyes on me.
It's what you always wanted, Eddie.
Yesterday you were going centrespread full tit and minge.
That would have been airbrushed, wouldn't it? I'd have control over that.
This is going to be Raw meat.
Porn.
Oh, darling, we don't care what people think about us.
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
Prince Charming Come on, darling.
Prince Charming Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
I've found an eye.
Now I need a mouth.
A mouth.
Take my mother-in-law, please.
Marshall, you're a rabbi, not Jackie Mason.
He gets so confused.
Why are you doing this? The Kabbalah.
In L.
A.
, the Kabbalah groups have the best parties - all the big stars and a couple of Jews.
We've had to sacrifice so much.
We can no longer smell our fingers after we eat.
We can only have sex once a month through a tiny hole in a sheet.
I should imagine that's quite a relief for you, Marshall.
You did bring the sheet, hon? - Saff, I have to go.
- OK, Dad.
You will be there? Yes.
Yes, of course.
Gesundheit.
I'm nearly fluent in Hebrew.
No, Bo.
You just bring up phlegm.
All I need is an ear.
God, this wig is so hot.
It cost me a fortune.
It's one of Barbra Streisand's old wigs.
Papa, can you hear me? Barbra's here.
Papa, can you see me? People.
People who need people.
Let's get physical That's Olivia.
Barbra.
- Will you last the play, Marshall? - Yeah, yeah.
What time is kick-off? It's a play, Gran.
Curtain up.
I will, dear.
Is it chilly out? Marshall has coped with everything except the Jewish food.
He had diarrhoea so bad, he almost laid his own kidneys.
- Bo! - It's true.
- Let's go.
- I'll be with you in a minute.
Mum, I think you should come.
Here's a ticket.
God, why have so many people got to go in? I haven't seen a face go in.
That means nothing.
People that matter don't have to have a face.
- Is she here? - No, not yet.
You look great, Saff.
You don't look so good.
She won't come.
Anyway, I don't care either way.
Oh, I thought I was late.
Are you OK? I'm fine.
I wish everyone would stop asking.
You look great.
- Have a swig.
- No, thank you.
- Have one.
- No.
Let's go.
Quick.
- This is it, is it? - Good luck.
Feels like I'm watching my own funeral.
The snivelling little bitch has written a piece of shit.
- It's vomit, it's bilge - What if it's great? Darling, it'll be flapsnot.
Let's go.
I'll watch that little bit of flapsnot.
I'm so nervous.
Sorry.
There's no smoking.
Don't be stupid.
Don't be so bloody stupid! - Move up, please.
Can you move up? - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
What are you doing here? I don't know.
Saff? Saff? This is the story of a self-raising flower.
Oh, shut up! I am that flower.
I need to get it out of my chest where it has sat there for years.
I need to shout it openly.
Piss off! This is my story.
Saffy! Saff! Shit, Eddie.
Look at me.
Look at Mama.
Do you think I'm fat? I don't know what to say.
Try to be more western in your thinking, darling.
She had tried every fad diet and every fad drug that has ever existed and still somehow she remains two stone overweight.
- One stone! - One stone! I was dragged up by my mother and a piece of flint.
You little bitch troll from hell.
You miserable piece of filth.
When Ed said she was pregnant, I told her to abort.
Abort, abort, abort, I said.
Chuck it down the pan and bring me a - Knitting needle? - A knitting needle! I'm good, Eddie.
You are my son, my son! - I'm going far, far away.
- No! To the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean or the South Pole.
Cut the umbilical cord, Mum! I have to go.
No! No! I just need a few crutches to help me through life, sweetie.
You have absolved yourself of responsibility.
You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis! Someone chooses what you wear and eat, then someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it out.
I did tell you the facts of life? If you mean when you sat on my bed and shook me awake at 2 a.
m.
, and then, stoned out of your brain, you slurred, "Oh, by the way, sweetie, people have it off.
" Then, yes, you told me the facts of life.
Good.
Well, any gaps you want me to fill you in on, let me know.
I knew it was a comedy.
Go for it, kids.
What was my birth like? Your birth? From the moment you were born, I knew I wanted you.
However, the day after What a terrible lot they are, dear.
It reminds me of home.
The tits are bigger, but otherwise she's fantastic.
You never gave me anything! I gave you that hamster! You mean kitten.
Whatever happened to my kitten? I live a sentence unapproved, but not overruled by heaven.
Go on, Eddie.
Saff? Saff, sweetheart? Darling, it's Mama.
Darling? Darling? - Stop it, Mum.
- It's not me, darling.
- Stop it.
- Look.
Darling.
- It's for you, darling.
- Oh.
Thanks, Mum.
Don't want to smudge my lips.
- It's not the same kitten.
- I know.
I thought your play was good.
- No, it wasn't.
- What an imagination you've got.
Thought it was good acting.
Pats and I are having lunch with the people who played us.
Don't show the kitten to Pats, darling.
No.
She might get jealous, like the la Might get jealous.
- Hi.
Is Saffy? - Yeah.
Downstairs.
- Hi.
Come in.
- Hi.
Hi.
Come in.
Hello, darling! Come and have a drink.
Sorry.
I didn't quite get the tits right.
You should have gone in the dustbin.
An incinerator was too good for you.
Never mind.
Cheers, mate.
Wheels on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode! Guess who? Just put them over there.
This wheel shall explode! Ziggy played guitar!