All In The Family s04e05 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The hit parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew Where you were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days Oh, my! I haven't seen this for years.
What's that, Mom? "Ah! Sweet Mystery of Life.
" I went out and bought this right after I saw Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy in Naughty Marietta.
Naughty Marietta.
Oh, yeah! I saw that on The Late Show.
It was very interesting the way they sang into each other's noses.
The singing was the best part, because that's when you knew they were in love.
When Nelson and Jeanette was talking, you didn't know what was going on.
Mom, why don't you play it for me? Oh, all right.
I'd better warm myself up, though.
I'm a little rusty.
[PLAYING SCALES.]
[PLAYS OFF-KEY NOTE.]
Oh! I always get stuck on that finger.
[PLAYS OFF-KEY NOTE.]
Oh! There it goes again.
How'd you learn to play? By ear? Oh, no! I took lessons for six years from Mrs.
Cromwish.
Once a week, a dollar an hour.
Oh, my, they was fun.
Really? I thought most kids hate taking piano lessons.
Not me, I loved them.
Mrs.
Cromwish was so nice.
She used to worry about me getting tired from too much playing, so she'd give me cookies and milk and tell me stories.
And before I knew it, the hour was over.
Now, here we go! Ah, all right, all right.
Ah! Sweet mystery of life At last I've found you [DRAMATICALLY.]
Ah! I know at last The secret of it all All the longing, seeking Striving, waiting, yearning The burning-- Oh, wait a minute! Wait a minute I've got to get the chord.
All right.
Right.
The burning hopes The joy and idle tears That fall [DRAMATICALLY.]
For 'tis love And love alone The world is seeking And 'tis love And love alone That can repay 'Tis the answer 'Tis the end and all of living Oh, wait! No! Nelson never kissed Jeanette 'til the end of the song! I'm sorry For it is love alone That rules for aye Hi, Ma! Ah! It's so nice to come home and hear singing for a change.
Let's do it again.
I'm all practiced up.
Oh, good.
The party's over.
It's the Wicked Witch of the West.
Nothing you say is gonna bother me tonight, bigmouth, because I'm in too good a mood.
Stay right there, Edith.
You right where I want you.
Play another song.
Play another song? Get away! Which one? Just play something happy.
Something happy? Get away from me! Blue moon Edie, what are you doing? Edie, why do you play that? That ain't a happy song.
Oh, it is to me.
That's the first song we ever danced to.
Ah This is Don't play-- Edith, I hate it! Don't play it no more! Happy is fast.
Play something fast, like We're in the money We're in the money We've got a lot of what It takes to get along Forget it, Edith.
Come on over here.
I got something for youse right in the bag here.
There you are, Edith.
Hey, take a gander at that.
Archie! There's something for you, little girl, huh.
Uh-huh.
Now, what are youse all standing there for? Can't you say something? Didn't you get anything for me? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yours is on order, Meathead.
We got you an electric power fork.
Get away from me! Go ahead.
Open up your present there.
Well, what is it? It's perfume.
Oh! Look at that! The best kind.
Look at the size of it.
You know, I think they don't know what they're selling down at Rudley's drugstore, because, you know, they've got the highest prices on them little nothing bottles.
And they've got the low prices on these here.
You should've picked her up a six-pack.
Michael! Thank you, Daddy.
Bubble bath! Oh, Archie.
Thank you! Gee, Daddy.
It's really sweet of you.
But what's the occasion? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing at all.
I mean, after all, can't a guy, every now and then, bring home a present for his family? Sure he can, Arch.
But you never do.
Fly away, huh? Daddy, you've got to admit it's not every day you come home singing and handing out presents.
Well, maybe your father always wanted to, but he forgot, and today he remembered.
Is that right, Archie? Yeah.
That makes sense, Edith.
Like I'm sitting here, and I almost forgot to mention I wanted a beer.
And now you're remembering? That's right.
You see what I mean? He forgot that he wanted-- Would you shut up and get me the beer.
What? That's what we want to know.
What? What, what? Come on, Daddy, you can tell us.
Did you get a raise? No! No! Nothing like that.
If you really want to know, I'll tell youse this much.
It so happens that Lady Luck shined on me today.
Why are you standing there, Edith? You lost a beer.
I'll help you clean it up, Ma.
Archie! You swore you would never do it again.
Do what again? Gamble on the horses.
Who said anything about gambling on the horses? You just did when you said Lady Luck shined on you today.
Come on, Edith.
Lots of people say that.
I haven't heard you say that for 20 years.
Oh, Archie.
You broke your promise.
Listen, listen! Edith, Edith, it ain't what you think.
Now, just pay attention to me.
Barney Heffner come up to me, see, and he says to me, "Listen, I got a hot tip on a sure thing in the third.
" Oh, Archie! Edith, don't be like this.
Oh! How could you do it? Edith, it turned out good.
Look, a 40-to-1 shot.
Look what I got here.
Eighty dollars, Edith.
Less $3 that I laid out for the presents.
Hey! That don't matter! You started gambling again! I did not start gambling again! This is a one-time and a one-time thing only-- What the hell are you looking at? Edith, when Barney asked me if I wanted to bet again, I told him no! N-O-W! No! Honest? What do you want me to do? You want me to swear to you? Okay, I'll swear.
Pinkie swear.
Oh, thank you, Archie.
That makes me feel much better.
I'll get you a beer.
No, no.
Never mind, Edith.
I'll get the beer myself.
Jeez, look at that all over the floor.
Reminds me of when we had Arthur the cat.
Gee, Ma.
Weren't you awfully hard on Daddy? After all, it was only a $2 bet.
Oh, it ain't the money, Gloria.
It's the sickness.
I don't want to live through that again.
What sickness? The gambling sickness.
You wouldn't remember, Gloria, because you were too young.
You was 3 years old.
The poker playing was bad enough, but then he started gambling on the horses and he couldn't stop! Sometimes he'd lose his whole paycheck.
Gee, that doesn't sound like Daddy.
It wasn't him.
It was the sickness.
Ma, how did you get him to stop? I packed a suitcase and dressed Gloria up and told him I was leaving.
Happy days, everybody.
Well, look who's here.
Nick the Greek.
And look who's over there.
Stupid the Pole.
Come on, Daddy.
Don't start name-calling.
Don't talk to me.
Talk to your husband over here.
You hear the wisecrack he laid on me? Come on, Arch, it was just a joke.
Ma was telling us about your gambling days, that's all.
About what? What's wrong? We're all family here.
Don't remind me! Telling them about my gambling days! I told you never to talk about that time! I won't anymore, Archie, because I finished telling them.
I was only out of the room one minute.
You finished telling them that whole long story? Whenever you tell me even a little story, it takes you forever.
That's because you interrupt me.
You keep saying, "Get to the point, Edith.
Get to the point.
" And that mixes me up and I lose my place.
If I didn't interrupt you, you wouldn't know when you was finished.
Where are you going? Edith, I'm going upstairs to the reading room.
Set the table.
Sure, Ma.
Ma, were you really gonna leave Daddy? Why, yes, I really was.
Well, what would you have done then? Get a divorce? No, Gloria.
Never.
I married your father for better or for worse.
I'm just lucky the worse got a little better.
[PHONE RINGS.]
I'll get it.
Hello.
Oh, yeah.
Hello, Barney.
No.
He's busy right now.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Yeah.
I'll give him a message.
You put his bet down for him? Another bet? Yeah.
I'll tell him.
Ten dollars on Glow Worm in the fifth.
Yeah.
Goodbye.
Edith.
Let me tell you something about beer.
You can never buy beer.
You can only rent it.
Oh, look at you, Edith.
You ain't got no sense of humor about certain things.
Did I hear the phone go off? Yeah.
Well, who was it for? It was for you! For me? Well, who was it, huh? It was Glow Worm in the fifth! Hi, everybody.
Hi, Gloria.
Hi, Michael, honey.
[BOTH MOUTHING SILENTLY.]
Hey, Ma.
Mmm! Something sure smells good.
Yeah.
Boy, am I starved.
I'll do it tomorrow.
Ah, yeah, Ma.
That's a good idea.
Ah, tomorrow.
We'll do it tomorrow.
It's the best time to do it.
Michael.
Oh, boy.
How long's she been like this? Ever since I got home from school.
It's 6:30.
Where's Daddy? I know.
It's strange.
Half-past feeding time and Papa Bear's not sitting at the table.
Well, maybe he got caught in the rush hour, same as I did.
Michael, did you know Daddy slept on the couch last night? You're kidding me! Was that his idea or hers? What's the difference? I'd just like to know.
Did he abdicate or was he dethroned? Come on, Michael.
I never thought I'd see the day when Ma would hit Daddy.
Yeah.
Neither did I.
[LAUGHS.]
It's the first time I ever saw your father with his mouth open and nothing coming out.
Not funny.
I know.
[LAUGHS.]
I can't help it, though.
Gloria, it's like when a guy slips on a banana peel, right? You laugh, then you find out he broke his leg and say "I'm sorry.
" Well, right now, I'm not up to the "I'm sorry" part yet.
Well, we can't let her just sit there like that.
Let's go talk to her.
Ma.
Ma, is there anything we can do to help? Oh, no.
I don't think so, Gloria.
I've got to figure this out for myself.
Well, maybe it's not as bad as you think.
I hope not.
You don't know how bad the sickness can get.
Why, when we was living on Union Street, we had a used car.
And one day, I was looking out the window and I saw a man driving off in it.
I yelled at Archie, "Archie, there's a man stealing our car.
" He says, "He ain't stealing it, Edith.
" I lost it to him last night.
" That's terrible.
Yeah.
It was.
But I didn't hit Archie then.
And I shouldn't have hit him this time.
Ma, you couldn't help yourself.
I couldn't help Archie either.
Remember when you had the chicken pox, Gloria? I didn't hit you.
What's that got to do with anything? Ooh, everything.
Gambling is a sickness too.
Oh, I don't know what I'm gonna say to him when he comes home tonight.
If he comes home tonight.
Oh, Ma.
Of course he'll come home.
I don't know, Gloria.
Your father is a very proud man.
He comes from a family where the women didn't hit their husbands.
At least not when they was looking at them.
Ma, Archie's had a whole day to think about this.
By now, he probably realizes it's his fault.
He's gonna walk in here, he's not gonna say anything about it.
And I don't believe a word I just said.
Michael.
Ma, you lost your temper.
It could happen to anyone.
I never hit anybody in my whole life.
Not even when I was a little girl.
Not even Elsie Lawler.
Elsie Lawler? I haven't heard you talk about her.
Who's she? She sat behind me in fourth grade.
Ooh, she was so mean to me.
What did she do? Well, once in the playground, I was running after a ball, and she stuck her foot out and tripped me and I fell on my face and chipped a tooth.
Ma, I would've hit her! Everybody wanted me to.
Jerry Lawler offered to hold her so I could hit her better.
Her own brother.
But I-- I couldn't do it.
I gave it to her, though.
I said, "All right for you, Elsie Lawler!" She knew I was mad at her.
I never hit Elsie Lawler, but I hit your father.
Give us another beer there, will you, Kelsey? You gonna drink your dinner tonight, Arch? Are you in the business of asking stupid questions or selling beer? I was just asking-- Asking me a stupid question.
Can't you find nobody else to talk to? Arch, there ain't nobody else in here.
That solves your problem, then.
Shut up.
Hey, Kelse! Give me one of them tall, cold ones, huh? Hiya, Arch.
Don't be giving me that "Hiya, Arch" stuff, you crumb, you.
Hey, look, pal.
I'm sorry that your horse lost.
But I wasn't riding him, you know.
That ain't the point.
Why did you have to call me up at my house? Because I figured that's where your phone was.
Look at me, Barney.
I ain't laughing at that.
Ah! Listen! Edith was not supposed to know I was betting on a horse.
Oh! Keeping secrets from the little wifey, huh? That ain't nice, Arch.
What did Edith say when she found out? Well, it wasn't what she said, it was the way she said it.
I get it.
You're in the doghouse and you're afraid to go home, huh? I ain't afraid to go home.
Hey, Arch.
You want to get Edith back in line, you got to do what I did.
Awwww-- What? When Mabel gave me a bad time, I didn't stay out, I went home.
But I ignored her, made believe she wasn't even there.
Ah, it wouldn't work with Edith.
I do that even when I ain't mad at her.
Arch, you don't understand.
I gave her the cold shoulder.
I didn't even go near her.
Not downstairs, nor upstairs, if you get my drift.
Oh, you done that, huh? For two whole weeks.
Drove her right up the wall.
Hee-hee-hee! Ah, no, that'd be punishing Edith too hard.
You see, Arch, there's your trouble right there.
You're too soft-hearted.
I know, Barney.
What am I gonna do? That's the way I am.
Well, if you don't want to do it the quiet way, then you'd better start hollering.
When a woman gets out of line, she wants to be straightened out.
They're just like kids.
I know all that.
Yeah, I know you know all that.
But what are you doing about it? Hmm? Huh? I'll show you what I'm gonna do about it.
I'll see the two of youse later.
Go get her, Arch! [LAUGHS.]
What's with you, Barney? Did you see the look on his face? It's gonna be murder at his house.
You've got him all steamed up.
What are friends for? Gloria! Gloria! Yeah, Michael, what is it? I just saw your father turning the corner.
He'll be here any minute.
Oh, Ma.
Did you hear that? Yeah.
I ain't looking forward to this.
Now, don't you let him walk all over you.
Gloria, let me handle this my way.
And, please, this is private between Archie and me.
Right, Ma.
We'll be upstairs.
I'm glad you're alone, Edith, because there's some things-- You get away from me.
Huh? I said, you get away from me, unless you got something to say to me.
I got something to say to you.
You hit me! And you hurt me! And I demand an apology! It's you that's gotta apologize to me.
I gotta? That's like asking Pearl Harbor to apologize to the Japs! Oh, Archie.
I don't want to argue.
I've been worrying about you all day.
Yeah, well, you should've been! Because you hit me and you hurt me.
Did I ever hit you for any reason? I never gave you any reason.
That don't make no difference! You know, a lot of wives get belted by their husbands, whether they deserve it or not.
Archie, I could forgive you for hitting me, but I don't think I could ever forgive you for making me hit you.
What does that mean? It means you lied to me.
Listen, Edith, listen.
You know, I still ain't got no feeling over here.
I was standing right here, looking at you, smiling at you, and you slugged the smile right off of me.
Now, I demand an apology.
Archie, can I read you something? Don't read me nothing, Edith.
I want an apology.
This is an apology.
Well, I didn't ask you to write it out.
But as long as you done that, that's okay too.
All right.
Go ahead.
Read it to me.
"I'm sorry for what I've done.
"I don't know how I could have done such a terrible thing "to someone who's been so good to me.
"I promise never to do it again.
I hope you can forgive me.
" Good.
It ain't the fanciest writing in the world, but then you ain't no Henry Woolworth Longfellow.
It's an apology and, all right, then, I accept.
I didn't write this, Archie, you did.
Huh? Twenty years ago, when I was gonna leave you because you was gambling, you wrote this.
I did not! Oh, yeah.
See, here it is, your own handwriting.
"Dearest Edith, I'm sorry--" Don't read it again, will you?! Now, you set me up for that thing, Edith.
But that don't count.
You ain't gonna get away with it.
That letter's too old.
What I mean to say, it's expired.
Archie, all you've got to do is change the date on this letter and sign it right here under the P.
S.
that you wrote.
See, "P.
S.
, I swear to God I'll never gamble again.
" And while you're doing that, I'll tell you how sorry I am that I hit you.
Get me a pencil, Edith! Look at her, she whips it out like Matt Dillon.
Give it here.
You're a pip, you know that, Edith? A realpip.
Edith! Oh, hello, Archie.
There you are.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Edith.
Did you have the exterminator in here today? No.
Well, what were you doing anyway? You spraying for roaches or something? No.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Stand back.
Stand back.
I think that's coming off of you.
Oh, Gloria let me use some of that perfume you gave her.
Don't you--? Don't you like it? Ah, Edith, yeah, sure.
But, uhI don't think it's for indoors, you know.
I think that perfume was for going out.
Uh, why don't you take a bath.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All in The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.