As Time Goes By (1992) s04e05 Episode Script

# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # It's nice to be on our own.
Yes, it is.
We seem to have been overwhelmed by people lately.
- I wouldn't say overwhelmed.
- I would.
I sometimes think there's a hermit in you, trying to get out.
You'd be perfectly happy living in a cave somewhere.
- Would you move in with me? - Only if it had central heating.
- It wouldn't have a telephone, for sure.
- I'd like a front door, though.
Well, people knock on front doors.
You wouldn't want them just walking into the cave, would you? True.
Well, perhaps a big boulder would do the trick.
Or perhaps - Quick! Hide! - Woo! What are you doing? - I've just seen Alistair.
- Oh! Lionel, we're grown-ups.
- We can't just hide behind a tree.
- Yes, we can.
I just wanted a nice quiet Saturday to myself, with you.
Well, where was Alistair? - Back there somewhere.
- I know he's there somewhere.
Otherwise we wouldn't be on this side.
Can't you be more precise? - What do you want, a map reference? - Look, I'm just trying to be helpful.
Did he see you? If he'd seen us, there'd be no point in us hiding.
Oh.
No.
- Shall I have a peep? - No! Oh! Don't pull me about! I'm sorry but just stay put.
Well, what happens if he walks past? Do we just hope he doesn't turn round, or do we edge round to the back of the tree? - You're making very light of this.
- Well, it's hard to take seriously, isn't it? He could have turned round.
- I'm going to have a peep.
- No! - Boo! - Oh! Now, why should you two be hiding from me? - We weren't hiding at all.
- No.
- No, just erm leaning against the tree.
- Tree, yes.
Canoodling.
Canoodling! What a great old expression that was.
Is.
What a great old expression that is.
Now, you may be surprised that we bumped into each other in a park.
We wouldn't be surprised if we bumped into you in the Kalahari Desert.
I'll take that as a compliment.
I belled Judy and she told me where you were.
And do I have news! I assume that's a rhetorical question.
- Li, you're scowling.
- I feel like scowling.
Well, let's go and find somewhere to sit, I'll tell you my news, and your face will be wreathed in smiles.
Let's go! Yes, I'll say this for Alistair: he's an optimist.
You're still scowling, Li.
- It's my face.
- It's not medieval, you know.
- I never said it was.
- No, not Lionel's face, - I mean the verb, canoodle.
- I didn't mean to imply it was.
I have to say to you both that this is not one of your more receptive days.
- You haven't given us anything to receive yet.
- Then try this.
Mike Barbosa stepped off a plane this morning.
Is it too much to hope that it was in midair at the time? From Los Angeles.
And he wants a little meet.
- Shall we do the joke, or not? - Let's just hear the rest.
- Why? - To bring you some great news! - Can't you tell me? - I don't know what it is.
- Then how do you know it's great? - Because Mike flew in especially to see you.
Well, that's a step forward, Lionel.
Last time, he fitted you in between buying socks.
I've had a whiz round.
- Is there anything else? - No, thanks, I'm in good order.
It's damn cheek, Mike Barbosa inviting himself to tea.
Oh, now, be fair, he invited us to tea at The Savoy, but you made it sound like an expedition to the South Pole.
I see he gets the best cups and saucers, as well.
Now, what is it about Americans that brings out the worst in you? I've nothing against Americans as such.
It's Americans who are in television.
They're all hoo-hah.
- Hoo-hah? - Yes.
Don't forget that this particular American has a lot to do with your miniseries being seen on the screen.
I hope he doesn't ask how the Queen is again.
That wasn't Mike, it was Cy.
Who's now in a loony bin.
That bodes well, doesn't it? - Who replaced Cy? - Sol.
- A model of mental stability, I might add.
- You've never met the man.
I'm taking a leaf out of Alistair's book, being optimistic.
Ooh! That's probably them.
Now, big smile, now.
That won't do.
Think of canoodling.
Go on! This is really nice.
English tea in an English home.
Lionel, you have a beautiful place here.
It isn't mine, it's Jean's.
Another cucumber sandwich? No, thank you, Jean.
I'm watching my starch intake.
Aren't we all? So Mike, you were saying how much Sol liked the first episode.
He described himself as "enraptured".
- He's not in therapy, is he? - Sol? Ha! Sol is one of the best-balanced guys I know.
I mean, this is a man who finds time to play with the kids from his first three marriages.
Does "enraptured" mean he wants the whole thing rewritten? There goes Lionel with the jokes again.
Lionel, you have my word.
But the script just needs a little fine-tuning, which Manny can handle in LA.
- Who's Manny? - Sol's brother-in-law, but a distinguished writer in his own right.
This fine-tuning, it's not a major service, is it? Tiny, tiny alterations.
We just have to make your England a little more acceptable to Middle America.
Which brings us to the real reason for Mike's visit.
It is socks again? Locations.
Mike is already looking for locations, and does he have a great idea! Yes, do I have a great idea? Well, we shall never know if you don't tell us.
Lionel, do you remember your dad's house? Of course I remember my dad's house.
I would just love to see that house.
It sounds perfect to serve as your birthplace.
It was my birthplace! - Great! - I'm not sure Lionel's father and his wife would like a film crew trampling all over the house.
They lead very quiet lives down there.
Almost monastic.
- Rocky and Madge? - Yes.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves, I just want to see the place.
Well, you could write, Lionel.
Or we could get really modern.
Oh, all right.
By the way, Jean, I thought that love scene was just beautiful.
Oh, good.
I helped Lionel write that, in bed.
Hello, Father, it's Lionel.
Who? Your son.
What is that din? Madge is on the drums.
Hold it a minute, dear, will you? I'm trying to get my lick right.
She's trying to get her lick right.
Ah! Now, what were you saying? Look, I have a Mr Barbosa here, he'd like to see the house sometime.
- We're not open to the public.
- I know that.
He may want to use it in the miniseries.
- What as? - A house, of course.
He may want to do some filming there.
- Somebody wants us to be in a film! - Oh, how exciting! When does he want to come down? Well, that's the thing, you see.
I mean, it's probably inconvenient, and if you don't fancy the idea at all Don't fancy it? We'd love it! Bring him down for lunch tomorrow, eh? Oh.
Oh, jolly good.
Right.
Erm, bye, Father.
Cheerio, and give your cutie a kiss from me.
Erm, would tomorrow be too soon? - Perfect! - Terrif! Oh, and he sent my cutie a kiss.
Cutie? Oh! So much for a quiet weekend.
It's rather exciting, though, isn't it? I mean, we shall see it being filmed.
- Surprised Mike didn't ask Buckingham Palace.
- Oh, he did, but they turned him down.
Oh, no.
No, no, those mustn't go in there.
- Well, they do in the commercials.
- Yes, but this is real life.
Just give them here.
There you are.
No, don't do this.
- Just go and sit down.
- I don't want to, I want to be alone with you.
Huh! That's an odd thing to say over the sink, but I like the thought.
- This fine-tuning that Mike mentioned - I asked him about that.
- Tiny, tiny alterations is what he said.
- Written by somebody's brother-in-law.
Being a brother-in-law doesn't disqualify you from writing.
Just so long as they don't make us do ridiculous things.
Like hiding behind trees? That was an act of desperation.
Your heart has never really been in this, has it? I'd never have considered it if it hadn't been for the money.
Spoken like a true artist.
And when it's all over, what do I do then? - Then you write your Oscar acceptance speech.
- This is for television.
Oh, OK, if you want to nit-pick.
Look on the bright side.
If this is a smash, you'll be picked up.
- By whom? - Not young starlets, if that's what you hope.
Film companies, television companies.
You could be hot property.
- Or a condemned building.
- Oh What was that for? Well, for being, as Rocky says, such a dismal Jimmy.
Why all this talk about afterwards? You don't have to do anything afterwards.
- Just lounge about? - If that's what you want to do.
We're all right financially.
Oh, yes, as long as I send you out to work.
You don't send me out to work, I enjoy it.
You make it sound as if I scrub doorsteps for a living.
- You don't see things the way I do.
- Well, just as well, the mood you're in.
I'm not in a mood, I'm just concerned, that's all.
Well, you don't need to be.
That's the point.
I do, because Because what? Oh, nothing.
Nothing at all, really.
Driver! Hold it there! Alistair, it's magnificent! - Not bad, is it? - I love it! I love it, Lionel! - Good.
- Let's drive on up there.
This isn't Los Angeles.
We could walk the full 20 yards.
Hey, that's a great idea! Let's walk! - Did you fall asleep in there? - No, it's this chair.
I kind of slumped into it.
You look about three feet tall! Well, would you mind just giving me a hand? - Sorry, yes.
- Oh! Oh! Dignity.
Always dignity.
Oh! Hello, Mrs Bale.
How are things in the English Channel? Calm as a millpond.
How nice to see you again, Miss Pargetter.
- Hello, Mrs Bale.
You've met Alistair? - Still on the tequila sunrises, Mrs Bale? I've moved on to Black Russians.
And this is Mr Barbosa, an associate of mine.
Mike, this is Mrs Bale, my father's housekeeper.
Mike? That face! That face! - What's wrong with my face? - Wrong? Wrong! It's It's incredible! It's Plantagenet! Alistair would you look at this hall! It's going to be a long day.
Are Madge and Rocky at home? I expect them back shortly.
They went to the leisure centre.
I shouldn't have asked.
What are we going to drink to? What are we going to drink to, Madge? - The future, what else? - The future! You You've hit the spot again, Mrs Bale.
One tries.
- Where have the boys gone? - Boys? Alistair was showing Mike round.
Mike was running upstairs shouting, "Perfect! Perfect!" Oh, I like Mike.
He's exuberant.
I wonder if he'd like a crack on my drums? This business of filming in the house, if Mike decides to, have you really thought it through? I can't be doing, thinking things through.
It takes forever! Quite right.
Go with the flow! Lunch will be served at 1:24.
Is that relevant, Mrs Bale? Unless you all want to go hungry, yes.
Now, what do you think, Jean Pargetter? It is Plantagenet.
No, I mean about this filming lark.
Oh.
You understand that Mike wants to film the house? I don't think he'd offer you parts.
Perhaps that's just as well.
We'd probably crack his lens.
- And then there's the lolly! - What lolly? Oh, come on, my boy, we wouldn't say yes just to cement Anglo-American relations.
We're talking bucks.
- Yes, greenbacks.
- You're not silly, you two, are you? Only when we're having fun! Are you all right, Mrs Bale? I'm afraid lunch will be postponed until 1:47.
I have been unnerved.
- A change of weather in the Channel? - No.
Mr Barbosa.
He wants to use me.
In what sense? He wants me to be in the film.
He wants me to play Mr Lionel's nanny.
- I didn't have a nanny! - So I told him, but he kept saying, "I must use that face.
" Oh, rock on, I say.
Yes, fame beckons, Mrs Bale.
Just a minute, what's a nanny doing in it? There's no nanny in my script.
There is, according to Mr Barbosa, in your childhood scenes.
What childhood scenes? - Sounds like the brother-in-law's fine-tuning.
- Yes.
Well, we'll see about that! He always did fly off the handle, that boy.
I'm sorry I mentioned it now.
I must get on with lunch, or it will drag on till 1:57.
I'd better find Lionel before blood is spilt.
I don't see what all the fuss is about.
I mean, nobody takes television seriously.
It's only pretend.
If Lionel punches Mike on the nose, it won't be.
Of all the crackbrained, half-witted ideas.
Just Two People, it's called.
Just two grown-up people.
My childhood is an irrelevance.
Li, cool it, please.
We were all children once.
That's a profound statement, if ever I heard one.
I want to talk to Mike.
Where is he? He's He's wandering about somewhere.
Look, Li, we do not need alienation.
I don't care what we need, I want to talk to him.
- Hey Lovely lady.
- Will you stop calling her that? Jean, could you please keep at least one of Lionel's feet on the ground? Not if he's hopping mad.
- Very funny.
- Mind you, he has a right to be.
Somebody's brother-in-law sticking in extra scenes, it's not fair.
I suppose he's also got a scene of me taking part in Trooping The Colour.
- He has, hasn't he? - Look, Li, these things are open to debate.
Then find Mike, and let's debate.
After lunch, though.
It's never wise to debate on an empty stomach.
Who told you that? Benjamin Disraeli? Hey, you guys! - Mike? - Up here! Look, there he is, there he is.
I'm in the attic.
It's unbelievable! - Pardon? - The attic, it's unbelievable! I can't hear you.
Could you lean out a bit more? Don't you see, Lionel? This bit of back story, it adds colour.
- It adds, um - Poignancy.
Poignancy, poignancy.
We get to see the little boy who became the man.
What about the little girl who became the woman? What a great idea! We could get to meet the young Jean, in an orphanage.
- Orphanage? - That just came to me, out of left-field.
Pity you didn't leave it there.
I'm still bothered about the fox-hunting.
Rocky, it's so British, it's so colourful.
- It's so cruel.
- What about a paper chase? - No, thanks, I'm full up.
- What I meant is instead of the fox-hunting.
- With the boy Lionel as the hare, you mean? - Could be, could be.
- I never liked running.
- Oh, go on.
I could watch from the orphanage window! Jean, that was only an idea.
And as soppy as the rest of them.
- I did think the Christmas party sounded fun.
- Madge, it would tear at the heartstrings.
Especially interspersed with my scene at the orphanage with my pathetic rag doll.
- I don't understand all this servant business.
- Tradition.
All the servants line up to present the young Lionel with their touching Christmas gifts.
But we didn't have servants.
All we had was old Mrs Twillet.
She came in to do, twice a week.
- Let's remember poetic licence.
- Poetic claptrap! - I'd like to say something.
- Shoot, Mrs Bale.
Mr Barbosa, I have considered your offer, but have decided not to play Nanny.
It wasn't actually an offer.
You see, I lead a quiet life, and I rather like it that way.
Having your handprints in cement outside Grauman's Chinese Theater may be some people's idea of enjoyment, but I'm far happier with a good book and the Shipping Forecast.
Alistair? Probably a wise decision on the whole, Mrs Bale.
I think so.
But I am rather pleased to learn that I have a Plantagenet face.
- OK, where were we? - Lionel had just said, "Claptrap!" The most restrained expression I could use, in mixed company.
Oh, I don't mind a good swear! She's been known to turn the air blue herself, has Madge.
Who's going to start the swearing off? People, please! I'm beginning to feel outnumbered here.
I do stress, these are only tentative suggestions.
If they stay that way, fine.
But I won't agree to scenes that depict me as Little Lord Fauntleroy and Jean as Little Orphan Annie.
Would you excuse us? Does Lionel have final script approval? - Of course not.
- Excellent! Believe me, Lionel, I've taken your criticisms on board and I shall straighten out Manny as soon as I get to LA.
- Thank you.
- And not a nose punched.
I've got a bit lost.
Now, does this mean that you are going to be filming the old place or not? Sir, I think this house is a dream location.
We shall be talking to you.
- We don't come cheap.
- We don't pay cheap.
Well, that sounds jolly good! - Now, come on, who's for a game of pool? - Oh, I'm on.
I'd love to, but Alistair and I have to go to Edinburgh, Scotland.
Yes, we have to see a man who knows a man, you know - Can we give you a lift to town? - That's very kind, but Lionel and I are going to make love this afternoon.
Good.
Um How very Well, we'll catch you later.
We'll see you out.
Yes.
Tell me, Mike, this limo of yours, is it a souped-up job? Hey, hey! You two.
Woof! Now, why one earth did you say that? I didn't want to get stuck in the car seat again.
I said the first thing that came into my head.
Well, you really must stop saying things like that.
- Well, "a snooze in the garden" sounds dull.
- Yes, true.
- Well, shall we? - Shall we what? Well, have a snooze in the garden.
Yes, OK.
- It's lovely here.
- Yes, it is.
We should be making a move soon.
We're welcome to stay.
Madge and Rocky said so.
I know.
But they're having some friends round, and that'll degenerate into a country and western evening.
We'll make a move soon.
Ah, here they are.
You know, you amaze me, you young people.
You seem to do nothing but sprawl about.
- What have you two been doing? - Playing croquet.
The vicious variety.
Yes, but I'm glad we caught you.
We wanted a word.
- Rocky, what are you doing? - Ordering a round of drinks.
Oh, don't worry, it's only a starter's pistol.
It's much more civil than shouting, don't you think? Well, come on, Mrs Bale, let's be hearing from you.
She enjoys it too, you know.
- Now, where was I? - Having a word.
Ah, yes.
Yes, of course.
Where shall I start, Madge? No shilly-shallying, plunge straight in.
Quite right, of course.
Lionel, my boy, we want you to have the house.
Oh, don't gawp dear.
It doesn't suit you.
I simply Why do you want to give me the house? Well, we haven't gone peculiar, if that's what you're implying.
No Lionel's just shocked.
People don't give away houses every day, do they? No, I suppose not, but, anyway, it makes very good sense.
You see, Madge and I are mostly globe-trotting at the moment.
We're hardly ever here.
As a matter of fact, we're off to Lithuania on Wednesday.
- I didn't know anyone went to Lithuania.
- That's why we're going.
Look here, you can't just give me a house! I can do anything I damn well like! It would have come to you eventually, anyhow.
- What about Madge? - Oh, don't worry about me.
I've got the cottage.
Rocky and I will use that as a base.
- I just don't know what to say.
- I do.
- What happens to Mrs Bale? - We shan't have her put down! She can look after the cottage for us, and if you needed help out here, just fire a starter's pistol.
We'll have to refine this signalling system.
One shot doesn't signify which drink you require.
I'm quite good at archery.
What about arrows with messages on? - Well, we shall see.
- We've told the young 'uns the good news.
And have our thank yous been said? I'm still recovering.
I'm very grateful, Dad.
Oh, stuff and nonsense! You're a bit on the serious side for my liking, but I'm really quite fond of you.
I think you're dear people.
Both of you.
Just give us a few weeks to clear out our junk, and it's all yours.
We don't expect you to live in it all the time, of course, but it'll do for weekends and so on, won't it? - Do? - Do? I always said he'd find the right girl.
- Took him long enough.
- Hark who's talking! Now, you will be kind to your vassals and serfs, won't you? - What? - Vassals and serfs.
- What vassals and serfs? - Ha! It doesn't matter.
Drink your drink.
Thanks.
Do you think Mike will tell Manny to forget all that Merry England stuff? - Do you know something? I don't care.
- Oh, I wish you meant that.
I do, I really do.
I'll write the second episode, they'll mangle it, and I don't care.
They can turn it into a musical as far as I'm concerned.
Oh! #Just two people #Just two people # I'm writing the opening number.
Are we alone? Er Unless there's somebody under the sofa, yes.
- I meant Judith or Sandy.
- Yes, I know you did.
Yes, they left a note on the fridge: "Painting the town.
" - I'm glad.
- You're getting very liberal.
- I mean, I'm glad they're out.
- Mm.
So am I.
At last we've got a bit of weekend to ourselves.
- That was very well timed.
- I didn't know you were going to lean on me.
- I wasn't going to lean, just snuggle up.
- No, that would get in the way at the moment.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- The way of what? - Well All this should have happened all those years ago.
Your letter would have reached me in Korea and I would have come home, and Well, actually, I'd have done this.
Ooh! But my knee wouldn't have clicked then.
- Yes.
- No, it wouldn't.
Yes, I will marry you.
- Well, I haven't asked you yet.
- But you were going to, weren't you? Yes, but I'd sooner actually say it, if it's all the same to you.
Sorry.
- Are you all right down there? - Yes, I'm fine.
Now, you may Thank you.
You may think that I've taken a long while getting around to this.
- Yes! - What? No.
- There is a reason.
- Cold feet? - May I finish, or not? - Sorry, sorry.
I didn't really have anything to offer you.
I mean, dribs and drabs of money from the book, the odd lecture.
I mean, the television money, that's fine, but it won't last forever.
But now, with a house, I can offer you something proper, something real.
That's why you were going on about the money.
It probably sounds stupid, but that's the way I am.
No, it's not stupid.
And there's something else.
- Oh, is there? - Yes.
I fell in love with you the first day I met you.
And I don't think I've ever stopped loving you.
Well, that's it, really.
- I love you, too.
- Well, that's good.
- Can I say yes now? - Yes, please.
Yes.
There's always something, isn't there? - What is it? - My knee's locked! It doesn't matter.
# You must remember this # A kiss is still a kiss # A sigh is just a sigh # The fundamental things apply # As time goes by # And when two lovers woo # They still say I love you # On that you can rely # The world will always welcome lovers # As time goes by #