Benidorm (2007) s04e05 Episode Script

Troy, how are you? I'm fine No, it's bright sunshine this morning.
Yes, it was some kind of freak storm.
Speaking of freaks, one second.
I'm sorry, someone's sitting there.
Hello? You're sitting in someone's chair.
I have a number of friends who are homosexual.
And both my parents were chronic alcoholics, it doesn't mean I wish to sit with one at breakfast.
Sorry, Troy, go on.
How is your father today? Yes? Oh, my goodness.
I'm so sorry.
You wouldn't suit a hat.
Your head is too big.
Look, will you go away! -I'm sorry, love, you can't sit here.
-Who says I can't? Look, I tell you what, if you move I'll open the bar now.
-Thank you.
-No problem.
Um I'll get on the first plane this morning.
Are you absolutely sure? Okay.
Okay.
Call me later.
Troy, I love you.
I can see clearly now The rain has gone Aye, what about this then, eh? Oh, come on misery chops.
Even you can't put a downer on the fact that the sun's come out! -That was Troy.
-Oh, aye? How's his dad? Oh, God.
I'll get us a coffee.
Oh, that's better! Feel that sun! Looks like your theory of yesterday's storm being a terrorist attack has hit a dead end, Madge.
Don't you believe it, it's all part of the cover up.
Oh, I've got something for you.
I forgot to give you it last night.
I'll bring it over in a minute.
-What's all that about? -Search me.
''You have won second prize in a beauty contest.
''Donald and Jacqueline came joint first.
'' Oh, shut up.
You should eat something.
You'll fade away.
-Well, you know what I mean.
-Morning, boys! Space at your table? Oh, God, that's all I need.
I'm going for a lie down.
All right, see you in a bit.
-Oh, was it something I said? -Troy just called.
-His dad passed away last night.
-Oh, I am sorry.
Yeah, it's a weird one.
Troy didn't really know him.
His dad got in touch with him when he knew he didn't have long to go.
Oh, we've just been looking at coffins on the Internet for Donald.
Shall I pop these up to him? No, he's being buried tonight, so they're probably sorted, to be honest.
Died yesterday and buried tonight? Did they get a last minute cancellation? No, Troy's dad was a Muslim.
It's part of his religion to get buried within 24 hours.
Oh, I quite like the sound of that.
No messing around, no hassle.
Plus you're not that fussed on pork and you'd look lovely in a turban.
-Thanks, Mum.
-You're all right love.
Bloody hell, Michael, what have you done? -Well, you said put plenty on.
-I know I did but Well, make sure you rub it in.
Hey, go steady with that in future.
It's about three quid a bottle.
Three quid a bottle? When was the last time you bought sun cream? -Michael, you could have saved me a bit.
-Sorry.
-Here you go.
-Thanks, Mum.
-Mother, this is cooking oil.
-Does the job for me.
Here's the note I was telling you about, off the fella who sang on the karaoke last night, -Johnny Neptune.
-Thank you.
Oh, I doubt it's for us, she's probably made a mistake.
-What's it say? -''I hope you don't think me rude ''but I overheard you having a conversation ''about possibly looking for a business in Spain.
''A friend of mine has run into trouble with his bar.
''He just needs someone to take over the lease.
''3,000 euros.
Address below.
'' Nosey bleeder, fancy listening into other people's conversations.
It's a scam.
It's obvious, isn't it? I'm surprised he didn't ask for our bank details so his uncle, the ex-Prime Minister of Nigeria can clear a cheque for $1 0 million.
I don't think it would be a scam.
What makes you say that? You don't know him, do you? No.
No, I don't.
-How much did you say they wanted? -Three grand.
They're taking the piss.
That's what we got from the go-kart bet.
It's a sign.
It's a sign from Mel.
You think this note is a sign from Mel from beyond the grave to tell you to open a bar in Benidorm on your own? Absolutely.
(SCOFFS) I've heard everything now.
In saying that, I don't think he knew anybody in Nigeria.
Although, he did once see Johnny Mathis in concert, so maybe there's a connection there.
Right, I'll have a couple of hours in the sun, then I'll go over and check this bar out.
Mother, this whole rubbish about you staying here is just upsetting me.
Why are you doing it? It was Mel's dream to have a successful business here in Benidorm.
And I'm going to make sure that dream comes true.
Oh, for God's sake.
Where are you going now? I'm off for a piss, or is that going to upset you and all? (SIGHS) Listen, son, all good things come to an end.
And if I'm absolutely honest, I didn't think she was right for you.
She's beautiful.
Beauty's only skin deep.
It's like the fellow I've got a date with tonight.
Now, if I found out he was only meeting up with me because of me looks, I'd drop him like a hot potato.
Are you all right there, pet? Look, you're going back with your mum tomorrow, it's all good timing.
No, I'm going to give it one last go.
She's like a mythical creature, I don't think I'll ever see anything like her again.
(CHUCKLES) If I had a euro every time somebody's said that about me.
-DONALD: Ah, I'm going to miss all this.
-Oh, yes, me, too.
Well, you're not going anywhere yet, it's me that's going first.
Well, that's true, but you can be certain I won't be far behind you.
Hello, I don't mean to bother you both, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about you Well, that you're not going to be Um, well, I mean, the fact that you've got Three months to live? Oh, it sounds awful when you put it like that.
Wouldn't it be better to put it into weeks? If our Geoff were here, he'd be able to work that out for you.
It all amounts to the same thing, whichever way you say it, Actually it doesn't sound so bad when you say that.
Didn't Phileas Frog go round the world in 80 days? You could have four days to recover.
Well, we're not moping around.
We're planning a lovely service, we've got Jimmy Cricket giving the eulogy.
Oh, how do you know him? I was a theatrical agent for a brief spell many years ago, I still have quite a few connections.
Donald used to handle Frankie Howerd in the '70s, didn't you? Frequently.
How's your daughter? We saw her slumped over the bar earlier.
We didn't like to bother her.
Well, she's not too bad, thank you.
She's on some medication that doesn't agree with her.
Well, I'd better be off.
I'll see you later.
-Another glass of medication? -Oh, yes! I'm not sure this is a good idea.
We should stay at the Solana.
What if Troy can't get me on my mobile? Well, don't panic, he's got my number as well.
It'll do us good to get out of that place for a bit.
No, I'm sorry, unless you tell me where we're going I'm turning back.
Oh, you are such a spoilsport.
Okay, here we are.
Look! Benidorm Museum of Culture.
Is this a joke? No, I thought you were into museums and stuff.
Look, it's open 1 0 am to 6 pm, I thought we could spend the day there.
I'm not sure the history of the full English breakfast -will fill the next eight hours.
-Oh, well, let's just forget it then.
I tell you what, let's go back, sit on our arses and listen to Donald talk about catering packs of embalming fluid.
No, Kenneth.
Kenneth! I'm sorry, I was being ungrateful.
It's not exactly the Guggenheim, but, no, let's go.
It'll be fun.
The thing about the Googleheim, if it's crap, it hasn't got a beach next to it! Guggenheim.
JANEY: Mateo.
My slightly greasy but very accommodating colleague will be with you shortly.
Mateo! Hola.
Welcome to the Solana.
My name is Mateo.
How can I help you? Hi, we're Bananarama.
-Bananny who? -(SLOWLY) Bananarama.
Nice names.
We're the group booked for your '80s night.
We're called Bananarama.
Bananarama? This is a joke name, yes? -Hello, are you tribute act? -We're Bananarama.
Isn't there supposed to be three of you? Where's the other one? She left in 1 988.
How can you be a Bananarama tribute band if there's only two of you? We're not a tribute band, we are Bananarama.
Yeah, I'm sure you are.
We had a Queen tribute act here last week, lead singer was the same.
Changed his name by Deed Poll, wears all the gear all the time.
Big black tache, lives his life exactly like Freddie Mercury.
His wife wasn't too thrilled about it, but that's showbusiness, I suppose.
We're not a tribute act, I'm Sara Dallin, this is Keren Woodward, and we are Bananarama.
Here we are.
So you're telling me we've booked the real Bananarama for 400 euros? We've been a bit quiet lately.
Well, if you are the real thing, I suppose you probably don't need the money.
Isn't one of you married to George Michael? -No.
-JANEY: Right.
Well, Mateo will show you to your room when you're ready.
Good luck with that.
And just so you know, real Bananarama or not, if there's not three of you on the stage tonight, you won't get paid.
So, which one of you is Banana? What are you doing? -Seeing if I can cut through this.
-You've got a broken leg.
I know, and I've also got absolutely no chance of getting a shag with this plaster on it.
You won't be able to walk.
It's not walking I'm interested in doing.
No, you won't be able to walk for the rest of your life.
Don't exaggerate.
-Natalie, can I have a word? -No.
Sam, I'm warning you, you'll regret this.
Why is it you're always fighting men off and I can't get a look in? Better to have quality than quantity.
I haven't got either! I mean, what's wrong with me? Seriously.
Plaster on me leg or not, I'm fit.
You tell me what self-respecting man wouldn't want a slice of this? Maybe you're just trying a bit too hard.
Just lie back and let them to come to you.
Works for me.
Yeah, I can see that.
''Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? ''Thou art more lovely and more temperate: ''Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, ''And summer's lease hath all too short a date: ''Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines, ''And often is his gold complexion dimmed, ''And every fair from fair sometime declines, ''By chance or nature's changing course ''untrimmed.
'' I'm getting another drink, do you want one? Yeah, go on, then.
You ain't got an 'acksaw, have you? Hola.
Oh.
Hello.
Erm, can I have a mixed fruit juice and a vodka and Diet Coke, please.
-Double? -Um, better make it a single.
I think it's going to be a long day.
-You are coming to '80s night tonight? -Not sure.
I'll see how my friend feels.
We have Bananey Rama.
Very good.
-Mateo.
-Mmm? Can we have a chat tonight? I don't mean two minutes.
I mean a proper chat.
Sure.
It is my night off tonight.
I meet you in Neptune's, then maybe we go somewhere else? -Okay, see you later.
-See you later.
Yeah! -Hey, amigo.
I need your help.
-Hey.
What can I do for you, my little tranny friend? Look, I'm not one to go pulling in favours but, well, you know how I kind of saved your job? Lesley, you did not save my job, I lost my job and you -You made it happen again, how you say? -Aye, I got your job back.
You got me my job back, this is what I am saying.
And for this I will help you in any way I can.
I owe you, brother.
I mean, sister.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Well, the thing is I've got a date tonight Really? No problem, I will work for you, you go out, you have fun, meet the man of your dreams, marry, have little tranny babies, all is good.
No, I've got someone to cover me shift, -but I need somebody to go with me.
-Go with you? Yeah, it's kind of a double date.
What is double date? Well, I need to take a friend for his friend.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I am not a homosexual gay.
Uh-uh.
No, no, you wouldn't have to do anything.
Just sit there.
-I'll even pay for the meal.
-No.
This is not going to happen.
Right.
Okay.
So me getting you your job back wasn't such a big deal after all.
-Yes, pet? -Orange juice, please.
Orange juice.
Yes, pet.
Coming up.
You all right, son? How's it going? Not great.
Oh, um, I brought you this.
Thought you could wear it for your date tonight.
Ah, thanks, son, but I'm not going now.
But you were really looking forward to it.
Well, never mind, hey? Looks like neither of us are having much luck lately.
(SIGHS) -I would just have to sit at the table? -That's all.
No going to dodgy clubs in the old town after? All you got to do is eat.
Okay, Cinderella, you will have your balls.
Oh, hey, man! I could kiss you! -Hey, easy! -Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'd love to move to Spain, Nana, swimming on the beach in me lunch hour at school, cool.
Nobody's asking you to move to Spain.
You can't just start running a business in a foreign country, all on your own.
Me and Mel did it before.
And look what a roaring success that was.
Exactly, you and Mel did it before, you're on your own now.
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
For your information, I am staying in Benidorm, I am going to run a successful business and I'm going to do it for Mel.
MICK: Here we are, the Batley Arms.
-Hang on, wasn't this -Mel's mobility shop! I told you! It's a sign! -Excuse me, we're looking for the owner.
-I'm sorry, love, he's Oh, hello, Madge! How you doing? Oh, Christ, not you.
This isn't your bar, is it? No, no, it's Freddie Coleman's bar.
You know Freddie, used to do a drag act at the Queens in the old town.
Wife left him earlier in the year, he was gutted.
She took all his best frocks.
Anyway, listen to me banging on, have a seat, what can I get you? We're here on business, not pleasure.
When's he back? What, Freddie? He's in the UK, touring with The Grumbleweeds.
-I thought this place was for sale? -Oh, it is.
Well, not for sale as such, but he needs someone to take over the place.
I've heard he wants three grand.
I'll give him a grand, not a penny more.
LUCKY KIEV: Oh, I think you've missed the point.
It's a five-year lease, he pays you three grand to take it over.
Freddie's sweating his bollocks off doing eight shows a week in a nylon wig -just to keep this place afloat.
-You what? It's happening all over Benidorm.
Too many bars and not enough tourists.
Well, that's not true, there are enough tourists, they just aren't spending the money.
Right, come on, we've heard enough.
Madge? All right.
Thanks, son.
Come on, Mum.
Have a drink before you go, Sorry, love, it's all inclusive at the Solana.
Aye, that's the problem.
Never mind, Mum.
I suppose it's a lucky escape in some ways.
You don't want to go limping from one disaster to another.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I tried.
I tried.
Well, I'd say I was surprised, but it would, of course, be a filthy lie.
I can't understand it, it's in the guidebook.
Benidorm on a Budget, 1 999.
Well, we're not far from the beach and I brought a couple of towels just in case.
Not far from the beach, it's taken two buses and a 1 5-minute walk to get here.
Well, no, according to the guidebook there's a lovely little cove beach two minutes down this road.
Well, I hope they've not moved it since 1 999.
(GASPS) It's gorgeous.
Good thing about using an out-of-date guidebook, you sometimes come across a lost treasure.
GAVIN: Absolutely.
Well, I think 40 winks may be in order.
I hope the sound of the waves lapping against the shore isn't too intrusive.
I think I'll cope! You really should eat something, you know.
-I'm not hungry.
-Did you get any sleep last night? -What day is it today? -Look, Pauline, I think we need to talk.
-Hola.
-Two more cocktails.
-Sorry, no more cocktails.
-What do you mean no more cocktails? It's 2:00 in the afternoon.
No more cocktails for you.
I beg our pardon? My boss, she say, ''Do not serve the angry alcoholic lesbian, she drink too much.
'' Say that again.
My boss, she say, ''Do not serve the angry alcoholic lesbian, she drink too much.
'' So, apart from your own narrow-minded prejudices, on what evidence are you basing your wild assumption that I am an alcoholic? Um, you drink all day and all night, you do not eat, you stagger round smelling of alcohol, you cannot remember which room you are staying, you find it difficult to stand without swaying from side to side and you spend every night sitting on your balcony singing and crying until the early hours of the morning.
And just because of that, you assume I'm an alcoholic? I have to get on with my work.
Fine, if you won't get me a drink, I'll get one myself.
Hey, where are you going? No, Pauline, come back, I'll get you some mouthwash from upstairs, there's alcohol in that.
Large gin and tonic please.
I'm sorry, pet, I can't serve you with alcohol.
Why don't you have a nice soft drink and a bite to eat? And on what grounds are you not serving me? If it's because you think I am drunk, I can assure you I am stone-cold sober.
What's going on here? If it is your policy to no longer serve holidaymakers once they are pissed, then I suggest after 1 1 am you turn this into a fucking juice bar.
This is Benidorm! are arseholed 24 hours a day.
If you can't get pissed on holiday, when in the name of Paul Gascoigne can you? It was me.
I asked them to not serve you, I'm sorry, Pauline, it was me.
And so, finally, Judas Iscariot shows himself.
At least Jesus was betrayed with a kiss.
-I was only thinking of your health.
-We can review the situation tomorrow.
I don't need you to ''think of my health'', and I don't need you to ''review the situation'', and I certainly don't need a drink.
There you go, Jacqueline, one large vodka and orange.
(SCREAMING) -MATEO: No, come away.
-Give No! No! No! (SCREAMING) Oh, Pauline! (GROANING) Morning! I slept slightly longer than I intended.
One of the perks of being on holiday.
Here you are.
I got you a drink, it's still cold.
Thank you.
I'm afraid it's not quite as exclusive as it was an hour ago.
It's still practically paradise compared to the main beach.
You can say that again.
GAVIN: I think this is the hottest it's been since we got here, wouldn't you say? Absolutely.
Right, I think it's time to cool off.
(GASPS) Ooh.
-Are you not coming in? -Oh, hello.
No, just a paddle for me, I think.
It's quite cold.
Can you not swim? I swim very well, thank you, I just don't want to go in.
Ok, well, let me know if you need a hand, I came top of my class in breast stroke.
Yes, I'm sure you did.
(GAVIN SCREAMS) (COUGHING) My book, my book! -Don't worry, I got your book.
-Thank you.
It should dry out if you leave it in the sun for a little bit.
(SCREAMING) You! You! -Everything all right? -No! Everything's not all right! Benidorm Museum of Culture? -You knew very well it wasn't open.
-I didn't, I didn't know that.
-Ha! -All right, I knew there was a gay nudist beach nearby, but I didn't know the museum was shut.
-You said you liked it here.
-I liked it as an empty (GASPS) beach.
-Not full of degenerates! -Full of what? They're not degenerates, they're men stripping off to get a tan.
You know what your problem is, don't you? No, do enlighten me.
You are a dry, narrow-minded, petty, tight-arsed, vicious, self-loathing homosexual.
You hate these people because they're living their lives exactly like you'd like to live yours, but you just haven't got the balls.
You're sacked! Do you hear me? You're sacked! -You can't sack me.
We're not at work.
-You are sacked! Yeah? Well, I tell you what, you can't sack me, 'cause I resign.
Do you hear me? I resign! You can't resign after you've been sacked.
-Did you want your book or not? -Jesus Christ! You'll have to excuse my friend, he's never seen a penis before.
Not even his own.
I want your things out of the apartment by sundown.
''By sundown''? Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood? Thanks.
Sorry about that.
I think I'll go for a dip while this dries off.
Be careful, it's a bit cold.
You could have fooled me.
Melvin Churchill Harvey.
Bloody ridiculous name.
Mind you, not as ridiculous as some of your outfits.
I remember the first time you bent over in that leopard-skin thong, I thought Mick was going to pass out.
Your singing weren't up to much, either.
And what with all that, plus your snoring, sweating, constant complaining about your bad back I don't think there's ever been anyone on earth who loved someone as much as I loved you.
So what do you think about this bar, then? Looks tired and run-down, it's miles away from the main drag, looks like it's not taken a euro in weeks and they literally can't give the lease away.
But something tells me that's not how Mel Harvey would look at it.
What do you say? Should I go for it? I need you to tell me.
Just 'cause you're not here any more doesn't mean I've stopped relying on you.
Are you ready, Mum? Are you all right? Front door was open.
I could hear voices.
-I was just having a chat.
-A chat? -Who with? There's nobody here.
-With Mel.
Oh, Mother.
Do you want to stay in tonight? I could sit with you, if you want? What would I want to stay indoors for? Sitting in a miserable, pokey room watching Carry On films in German? No, thank you.
Come on, let's be off.
(MOTOR SPLUTTERING) -Are you all right? Do you need a push? -No, it's not that, it just won't budge.
Hang on, there's something stuck round your back wheel.
Wait there.
Right, move forward a bit.
Go on, that's it.
Bloody hell! It's no wonder you couldn't go anywhere.
It must have fallen off somebody's balcony.
Right, do you know what you're doing now? Oh, yes, I know exactly what I'm doing.
(SINGING ROCK ME AMADEUS IN GERMAN) Keep an eye on that one, will you.
-Sorry, Janey, tonight is my night off.
-What you doing here, then? I am here to meet Lesley.
Oh, yeah.
You two got a hot date, have you? -You all set? -Okay.
No problem.
Listen, Mateo, you know you're doing this because without me you wouldn't have a job.
-Yes, I know this.
-And I'm asking a big favour, but without my help you wouldn't be working.
Okay.
And the way things are in Benidorm at the moment, there's no guarantee you would have got another job.
I know, I know I owe you big time, Lesley, this is why I am coming with you.
Okay, it's just that there's one aspect of the date I forgot to tell you.
Touch me, touch me I want to feel your body - Your heart beat next to mine - (This is the night) 'Cause I want your body All the time Liam, I'm sorry, there's nothing else to say.
You're a really nice guy, but I'm not interested.
-I think you are interested.
-What am I supposed to say to that? You're a nice guy, but it would never work.
I think it could work.
I don't mean to be cruel, but you're not my type.
-I think I am your type.
-Liam, for God's sake! And the next person we're calling on is Mick Garvey.
Come on, Mick, let's hear it for you.
Okay,join in if you know the words.
(SINGING WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO) You to me are everything.
The sweetest song that I could Liam! I'm getting back with Mateo.
Mateo? But he treated you so badly.
Yeah? Well, people change.
Move it, sad boy, I think you're up next.
They just said something about Simple Minds.
Goodbye! I'm putting us down for Islands In The Stream, but you'll have to be Kenny Rogers.
Sorry but you ain't got the tits to be Dolly.
Plus the beard helps.
(BOTH LAUGH) (MICK CONTINUES SINGING) Come on,join in! (SINGING OFF-KEY) I know you don't believe me when I say you're sacked.
Oh, just chill out, will you? I'm not bothered, I'm on holiday.
You're on holiday for another 24 hours.
When Troy gets here tomorrow, you're going back home.
That was always the agreement.
Well, no, that was the agreement if I was going back to work.
But as I'm not, I thought I'd check into another room and stay one more week.
I don't think there's any rush to start the tribunal do you? -Tribunal? -Unfair dismissal.
Oh, here you go, I've found a great song for you, Elton John, Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.
I think you're doing really well tonight.
''Doing really well''? What on earth do you mean? Well, you know, you're laying off the drink a bit, you've had a wash, run a comb through your hair.
You make it sound as though I can't function without alcohol.
(MICK CONTINUES SINGING) MICK: Come on, everybody! Come on! -People are looking at me.
-Because you look nice.
-I look okay? -You look great.
This skirt is not too short? I don't want to look, how you say, easy.
You're joking, a man can never be too rich and a skirt can never be too short.
-You know I am not enjoying this.
-Oh, absolutely.
(CONTINUES SINGING WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO) Let's go somewhere else tonight.
I can't, I'm seeing Mateo.
We're just having a chat.
-Anyway, it's Bananarama tonight.
-Bananarama tribute act.
It'll be three blokes in drag miming.
We can still have a dance, plus the drinks in here are free and we've not got any money.
Yeah, I really can't wait to have a dance.
Thank you very much! Good night, Benidorm! All right! The last of the karaoke is Liam, with another great 80s number from The Communards.
Let's hear it for Liam.
Don't leave me this way I can't survive I can't stay alive Without your love, oh, baby Don't leave me this way Oh, my God.
Let's go.
You can see Mateo tomorrow.
Excuse me, do you know where Mateo is? He left ages ago.
It's his night off tonight.
I think he's got some sort of date.
My heart is full of love and desire for you -Come on, we're going out.
-Where are we going? -Anywhere.
-But I thought we didn't have any money.
Like that's ever stopped us.
out of control Come on, now, satisfy the need in me 'Cause only your good lovin' can set me free -Here we go, this is us.
-Wait, wait, we cannot go here.
What are you talking about, man? Best restaurant in Benidorm this.
No, you don't understand, I used to work here, I know all the staff.
And Lorenzo, the owner.
I have known since I was a little boy.
Don't you mean, since you were a little girl? (LAUGHING) They cannot see me like this.
Go inside and tell your friends we go somewhere else.
You're joking, man, Saturday night? We'll never get a table anywhere decent.
Anyway, nobody's going to recognise you dressed like that.
-Okay, then I go.
-No, look! Hang on, for God's sake, man.
-Stay there.
Two minutes.
-Hurry! What you looking at? Don't leave me this way Ahhh Baby, my heart is full of love Thank you.
Oh, it's the Spanish menu tonight! What do you recommend? Well, I usually tend to go for something fishy, but Jacqueline prefers the chorizo sausage in cider.
-I beg your pardon? -Chorizo.
They also do it in red wine, but Jacqueline prefers the sausage in cider.
Don't we all! Talking of your lovely wife, Donald, where is she? Oh, she met two very attractive ladies this afternoon and, well, let's just say they made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
Right, ladies and gents, I hope you're enjoying our '80s night here at Neptune's.
Well, it's only going to get better as I introduce to you, the fabulous Bananarama! Oh, my God, it's Jacqueline! Last night I was dreaming I was locked in a prison cell When I woke up I was screaming Calling out your name -Excuse me, you have a light? -Of course.
-(SIGHS) Gracias.
-De nada.
-You are waiting for somebody? -Yeah.
-Been waiting long? -Mmm.
Too long.
Slow night, is it? I cannot go inside the restaurant because they know me in there.
Oh, I see.
Yes.
And I do not want to cause a scene.
No, you wouldn't want to do that.
-You got anywhere to go? -No.
The problem is, I have worked all over town.
-Really? -Yes.
I suppose we could go to a hotel, but over the years, I have worked in most of those, too.
Bloody hell.
So you have, um, ''worked'' all your life, then? -Of course.
What else can I do? -Yeah, I see your point.
-You could always come to my place.
-You have a place? -Yeah.
-Where is it? I need somewhere close by, I don't want this to take all night.
I really need to get out of these knickers.
Oh, whoa, easy, tiger.
-It's only a couple of streets away.
-Good.
But first I need to know, what kind of price we're looking at.
-Not too expensive.
-No, I didn't think so.
Twenty euros per head.
(SPEAKING SPANISH) I'm arresting you for soliciting in a public place.
What? What are you talking about? I thought you had a restaurant.
I am waiting for my friend! I am not a whore, I am a barman! RAY: Don't struggle, don't struggle.
(ARGUING) I told you before, I am not a whore! I work in a hotel.
Please I believed that you I thought you had a restaurant.
You cheated me! You lied to me! Hey, leave her alone, she's just trying to earn a living.
Yeah, fascists! (GASPS) Mateo! Natalie! This is not how it looks.
(LAUGHING) I can't understand it.
She was here a minute ago.
Robert De Niro's waiting Talking Italian Robert De Niro's waiting I love Bananarama.
The one in the middle's let herself go a bit.
-Don't be daft, that's Jacqueline.
-Is it? I never knew she was in Bananarama.
I don't need a boy I've got a man of steel Don't come any closer I don't want to feel Ooh Your breathing, your touching But nothing's for free -Hey, you, what's in that drink? -Just fruit juice.
Yeah, it had better be.
So are you still coming to live with us for a bit, then, Nana? Yeah, just until the council rehouses her.
I can talk for meself, thank you, Janice.
No, son, I've got a lovely two-bedroom flat sorted.
Hey, nice one, Madge.
No point hanging about, is there? When did you sort this out? I haven't yet, but I will do first thing in the morning.
That's what I like about you, Madge, you don't let the grass grow under your wheels.
Where is it, Nana? Are you still going to be near us? Oh, very close.
Well, close to where you are right now.
-It's above that bar we looked at.
-What? -I'm taking on that bar.
-Oh, Mother, not again.
-What do you mean not again? -You don't know what you're doing.
It was different when you were with Mel, but you're on your own now.
-Thanks for reminding me.
-You know what I mean.
-No, she's not.
-What? She's not on her own.
-How do you fancy a business partner? -You what? What, so we're going to live in Spain! Whoa, hang on a minute.
When did you change your tune? You know what a stubborn old get she is.
You're not going to talk her out of it.
And if you can't beat them, you may as well join them.
Right, just everyone hang on a minute.
I think we've all had a bit too much to drink.
If you want something to do, what's wrong with coming home and working in one of the sunbed shops? Why have artificial sun when I can stay here and have the real thing? Hey! I'll drink to that.
We'll talk about this in the morning.
I'm off for a dance, Nana.
Do you want to come? No, she doesn't, Michael.
Yeah.
Yeah, I will have a dance with you, son.
-Come on.
-What? As I said, if you can't beat them, join them.