Blackadder s04e05 Episode Script

Ready, march! Eyes right! Eyes, right! Tweaks by XhmikosR I spy with my little eye something beginning with "M".
- Mmm - Mmm Mmmm Mmm - Mmmm - Mmm - Mmmuh - Mmmuuu - Ya, ya! - Mmuu Mmuu Mug!!! Oh, I say, well done, Sir.
Your turn.
I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T".
- Breakfast! - What? My breakfast always begins with tea, then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers.
Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter.
Nah, it never begins with a letter.
The postman don't come 'til 10:30.
I can't go on with this.
- George, take over.
- All right, Sir.
Um I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R".
Army! For God's sake, Baldrick! "Army" starts with an "A".
He's looking for something that starts with an "R".
Rrrrrrrr! Motorbike! What? A motorbike starts with a "rrrrrrrrrrrrrrm"! All right, right, right, right.
My turn again.
What begins with "come here" and ends with "ow"? - I don't know.
- Come here.
Ow! Well done.
No, I don't think you've quite got the hang of this game, to be honest, Sir.
I tell you what, let's try another one.
Um I hear with my little ear, um, something beginning with "B".
What? Bomb.
I can't hear a bomb.
Listen very carefully.
Ah, yes.
Finished.
Come on, then.
All right, and then you can tell me what you think, but be honest now.
- I will! - All right, then.
Dear uncle H.
, how are you? Yeah, it's good, isn't it? It's beastly rotten luck being laid up here, but everyone's very nice, and at least now I can write to you every day.
Oh, then I put in a silly bit about, um - What? What? - No, it's, um Oh, come on, you can tell me.
And the nurse is an absolute peach.
Anyway, After the explosion, Captain Blackadder was marvellous.
He joked and joked.
"You lucky, lucky, lucky bastard!" he cried, then he lay on his back, stuck his foot over the top of the trench and shouted, 'Over here, Fritz! What about me?' Well, Captain Blackie does indeed sound a most witty and courageous chap.
Yes, and he's very amusing and brave, as well, not to mention being as clever as a chap with three heads! Thanks ever so much.
You really are terribly kind, as well as being dash pretty, to boot.
A fluffy pillow and a big cheery smile is the least my lovely boysies deserve.
Now, you take a little trip to dozeyland.
You've got visitors coming and we don't want to be all tired and cross, do we? Absolutely not, no.
It'll be so jolly to see Baldrick and the Cap' again.
They'll have been worried sick about me, you know.
All right, where is the malingering git? Hello, Cap! Pip pip, Balders! Here I lie.
Nice to see the lieutenant looking so well, Sir.
Of course he's looking well.
There's nothing wrong with him.
Pff! Didn't I tell you the Captain was a super cove! You did! Well, Captain, you are indeed fortunate to have a loyal friend like darling Georgie.
Mm, I think you might be under a slight misapprehension here, Nurse.
I lost closer friends than "darling Georgie" the last time I was deloused.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got better things to do than exchange pleasantries with a wet blanket.
Would you get out? We've got some important military business.
Well, 10 minutes only, then.
Right, porkface, where's the grub? Pardon? Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Westminster Abbey.
My family is not inbred! Come on, somewhere outside Saffron-Waldon there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that makes him look as though he's constantly trying to swallow a ballcock.
I have not got any uncles like that! Anyway, he lives in Walton-on-the-Naze.
Well, exactly.
Now, where's the tuck? Well, there were one or two things, yes.
There was, uh, a potted turkey, a cow in jelly, three tinned sheep, and, uh, 1,200 chocolates.
- But, in my weakened state - Yes? - I, uh, I ate them.
- What?! Well, Nurse Mary nibbled a trotter or two, but oh, Cap, she's such wonderful girl.
She helps me with all my letters.
She can do all the German spelling, and she's terribly good at punctuation.
I don't care if she can sing I May Be A Tiny Chimney Sweep But I've Got An Enormous Brush.
Come on, Baldrick.
The only thing we're going to get for free around here is dysentery.
But, Sir, I haven't given Lieutenant George my bunch of flowers yet.
All right, hurry up, hurry up.
Here you are, Sir, I got you these.
Unfortunately, they've had their heads shot off.
Where others choose to say it with flowers, Baldrick says it with stalks.
Well, Captain, I'm afraid you'll have to leave us now.
Oh, really? Yes, you must report to General Melchett immediately.
Oh, great.
Yet another tempting opportunity for suicide beckons.
Gosh, I wish I could come with you, you know, Sir.
Oh, no.
You must take care, my brave hero.
Brave hero, Nurse? I was more wounded the last time I clipped my toenails.
Take no notice of him.
Yes, pay no attention to the nasty man.
Look, if I can't give my brave boys a kind word and a big smile, what can I give them? Well, one or two ideas do suggest themselves but you'd probably think they were unhygienic.
Come on, Baldrick.
Hello, what's your name? My name is Mr.
Smith.
I'm sorry that you've been landed opposite such a total git, Smith.
It's bad enough to be wounded without having to share a ward with Banana-Brain.
Danke schà n, danke schà n.
"Ich bin ganz" comfortable, old fruit.
Yes.
Enter.
Hello? Hello? Ahhh! Right, spread 'em! Right, he's clean, Sir.
Baahh! Can anyone tell me what's going on? - Security, Blackadder.
- Security? "Security" isn't a dirty word, Blackadder.
"Crevice" is a dirty word, but "security" isn't.
So, in the name of security, Sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert.
Only doing my job, Blackadder.
Oh, well, how lucky you are, then, that your job is also your hobby.
Now there's another dirty word "job".
Sir, is there something the matter? You're damn right there is something the matter something sinister and something grotesque.
And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.
Sir, your moustache is lovely.
What the general means, Blackadder, is there's a leak.
Now "leak" is a positively disgusting word.
The Germans seem to be able to anticipate our every move.
We send up an aeroplane, there's a Jerry squadron parked behind the nearest cloud.
We move troops to Boulogne, the Germans have bought the entire town's supply of lavatory paper.
In short, a German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
You look surprised, Blackadder.
I certainly am, Sir.
I didn't realize we "had" any battle plans.
Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed? Our battles are directed, Sir? Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the grand plan.
Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig, and their tortoise, Alan? Great Scott! Even "you" know it! Guard! Guard! Bolt all the doors! Hammer large pieces of crooked wood against all the the windows! This security leak is far worse than we'd imagined! So you see, Blackadder, Field Marshal Haig is most anxious to eliminate all these German spies.
Filthy Hun weasels fighting their dirty underhand war! And, fortunately, one of our spies Splendid fellows, brave heroes, risking life and limb for Blighty has discovered that the leak is coming from the field hospital.
You think there's a German spy in the field hospital? I think you might be right, there.
Your job, Blackadder, is to root this spy out.
- How long do you think you'll need? - Uh You'll have to be away from the trenches for some time.
Six months? Too bad, Blackadder.
You've got three weeks.
Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out! Use any method you see fit.
Personally, I'd recommend you get hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect down on a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two flowery baps and shout, "Dinner time, Fido"! However, if you are successful, I shall need you back here permanently to head up my new security network, Operation Winkle.
- Winkle? - Yes, to winkle out the spies.
You never mentioned this to me, Sir! Well, we have to have some secrets, don't we, Darling? Right, well, I'll be back in three weeks.
Excellent.
And if you come back with the information, Captain Darling will pump you thoroughly in the debriefing room.
Not while I have my strength, he won't.
Damnation, Sir! His insolence makes my blood boil! What's more, I don't trust him, Sir.
I think it would be best if I went to the hospital myself to keep an eye on him.
What, spy on our own spy as he searches for their spy? Yes, why not? Sounds rather fun.
- You'll have to go undercover.
- Oh, definitely, Sir.
You'll need some kind of wound, a convincing wound.
- Naturally, Sir.
- Yes.
Aah!! Yes that looks quite convincing.
Right, pack me a toothbrush, Baldrick, we're going on holiday.
- Hurray! Where to? - Hospital.
Oh, no, I hate "hostipals".
My grandfather went into one, and when he come out, he was dead.
He was also dead when he went in, Baldrick.
He'd been run over by a traction engine.
I don't like them doctors.
If they start poking around inside me Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you? They might find me interesting.
Baldrick, I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan sewage system interesting, but that doesn't mean that I want to put on some rubber gloves and pull things out of it with a pair of tweezers.
Still, I tell you what, Sir, you might have a chance to get to know that pretty nurse.
No, thank you, Baldrick.
She's as wet as a fish's wet bits.
I'd rather get to know you.
I'm not available, Sir.
I'm waiting for Miss Right to come along and gather me up in her arms.
Yes, I wouldn't be too hopeful.
We'd have to get her arms out of a straitjacket first.
Now get packing! So very interesting! Please do continue, old bean.
Right, then I go on to say, The orders came through for us to advance at 0800 hours in a pincer movement.
Gosh, how exciting! Yes, well, hmm - Afternoon, George.
- Ah, hello, Cap! Ah, Captain.
I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time.
No, I am going to conduct myself with "no" decorum.
- Shove off! - Oh! Ah, jawohl, Herr Kapitän, jawohl! So, Cap, what's going on? Well, there's a German spy in the hospital, and it's my job to find him.
A Ger? Well, snakes alive! Exciting stuff, eh? Wait a minute! I think I might have a plan already.
What is it? Have a look through the list of patients and see if there's anyone here whose name begins with "Von".
Well, it's almost bound to be your bloke! I think we may find that he's using a false name.
Oh, crikey.
Well, that's hardly fair, now, is it? I, too, have a cunning plan to catch the spy, Sir.
Do you, Baldrick, do you? You go round the hostipal and ask everyone, "Are you a German spy?" Yes, I must say, Baldrick, I appreciate your involvement on the creative side.
- If it was me, I'd own up.
- Of course you would.
But, sadly, the enemy have not added to the German Army entrance form the requirement, Must have intellectual capacity of a boiled potato.
Now, Baldrick, see that man over there? Yeah.
I want you to stick to him like a limpet.
Make sure he doesn't leave the hospital.
Yes, Sir.
Hello, Darling.
What are you doing here? Bullet in the foot.
Well, I can understand people at the front trying to shoot themselves in the foot, but when you're 35 miles behind the line I did not shoot myself.
The General did it.
Finally got fed up with you, did he? - No, it was a mistake.
- Oh, he was aiming for your head.
He wasn't aiming for anything.
Oh, so he was going for between your legs, then.
Very funny, Blackadder.
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face if you don't find this spy.
Don't you worry, Darling.
I intend to start interviewing suspects immediately.
This is completely ridiculous, Blackadder! You can't suspect me.
I've only just arrived.
The first rule of counterespionage, Darling, is to suspect everyone.
Believe me, I shall be asking myself some pretty searching questions later.
Now, tell me, what is the color of the Queen of England's favorite hat? - How the hell should I know? - I see.
Well, let me ask you another question.
What is the name of the German head of state? Well, Kaiser Wilhelm, obviously.
So, you're on first name terms with the Kaiser, are you? Well, what did you expect me to say? Darling, Darling, shhh Cigarette? Thank you.
All right you, stinking piece of crap! - I beg your pardon? - Shut your cakehole! Tell me, von Darling, what finally won you over, eh? Was it the pumpernickel, or was it the thought of hanging around with big men in leather shorts? I'll have you court-martialed for this, Blackadder! What, for obeying the general's orders? That may be what you do in Munich, or should I say München? But not here, Werner! You're a filthy Hun spy, aren't you? Baldrick, the cocker spaniel, please! No! No, no, wait! No, look, I'm English! I was born in Croydon! I was educated at Ipplethorpe Primary School! I've got a girlfriend called Doris! I know the words to all three verses of "God Save the King"! - Four verses.
- Four verses! I meant four verses! Look, I'm as British as Queen Victoria! So your father's German, you're half-German, and you married a German? No! No! Look, for God's sake, I'm not a German spy! Good.
Thanks very much.
Send in the next man, would you? What is all this noise about? Don't you realize this is a hospital? You'll regret this, Blackadder.
You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
Please, Darling, there are ladies present.
Well, well, Captain Blackadder, this is an unexpected pleasure.
- What? - Nice to have you back with us.
A spy-catcher, eh? Huh! That silly kid George was right.
You are a bally hero.
Wait a minute.
I thought you liked George.
That's just my bedside manner.
What I call my "fluffy bunny act".
- So you're not a drip after all.
- Oh, no.
So, Mr.
Spy-Catcher, how's it going? Well, not much luck so far.
I think he might be as difficult to find as a piece of hay in a massive stack full of needles.
So you're going to be around for quite a while, then.
Looks like it.
Good, because, uh it can get pretty lonely 'round here, you know.
God, it's nice to have someone healthy to talk to! - Cigarette? - No, thank you.
I only smoke cigarettes after making love.
So, back in England, I'm a 20-a-day man.
A man should smoke.
It acts as an expectorant and gives his voice a deep, gravely, masculine tone.
God, I love nurses.
They're so disgustingly clinical! Tell me, Captain Blackadder Edmund.
Edmund, when this war is over, do you think we might get to know each other a little better? Yes, why not? When this madness is finished, perhaps we could go cycling together, take a trip down to the Old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.
Yes, or we could just do it right now on the desk.
Yeah, okay.
Ah, Baldrick.
Have you seen Nurse Mary? I need someone to post this letter.
She's in her office with the Captain, Sir.
Ah, poor girl, tied to her desk, day and night.
Ah, Cap! I hear you've been seeing a lot of Nurse Mary.
Yes, almost all of her, in fact.
- How is she, Sir? - Unbelievable! What I really want to know is, are you any closer to finding the spy? Yes, I think I'm getting there, George.
Everything all right, Smith? Oh, ja, excellent, excellent.
Jolly good.
Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around, have you, who might be German spies? - Nein.
- Nine?! Well, the Cap's got his work cut out, then.
Tell me, Edmund, do you have someone special in your life? Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
- Who? - Me.
No, I mean someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all the horror and the hurt.
Um still me, really.
No, but back home, in England, there must be someone waiting, some sweetheart.
Oh, a girl.
Nah.
I've always been a soldier, married to the Army.
The Book of King's Regulations is my mistress, possibly with a Harrod's lingerie catalogue discreetly tucked between the pages.
- And no casual girlfriends? - Skirt? Hah! If only When I joined up, we were still fighting colonial wars.
If you saw someone in a skirt, you shot him and nicked his country.
What about you? Have you got a man? Some fine fellow in an English country village? A vicar, maybe? Quiet, gentle, hung like a baboon.
There was a man I cared for a little.
Wonderful chap strong, athletic - What happened to him? - He bought it.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't realize that that was the arrangement.
Um, so what's it been? Uh, 12 nights and, let's say, How much is I mean he died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He was test-driving one of those new tank contraptions, and the bloody thing blew up.
What a waste.
God, I hope they've scrapped the lot.
Ha! Fat chance.
They're going to use Sorry, I mustn't talk about that.
You never know who might be listening.
No, of course.
Oh, God, I miss him so much.
He was such a wonderful chap.
- Clever too, I expect.
- Brilliant.
Went to one of the great universities, I suppose Oxford Cambridge Hull Mmm.
But why are we making small talk when we could be making big love? Good point.
This could be our last chance.
My three weeks are up.
I'm going back to staff HQ tomorrow.
Look, why don't you come with me? It could be fun.
We could have supper or something.
How about something first, then supper? Good idea! - Ah, hello, Blackadder.
- Good morning, Sir.
Uh, may I introduce Nurse Fletcher-Brown.
She's been very supportive during my work at the hospital.
How do you do, young lady? Do sit down.
So, any news of the spy, Blackadder? - Yes, Sir.
- Excellent.
The Germans seem to know every move we make! I had a letter from Jerry yesterday.
It said, "Isn't it about time "you changed your shirts, Walrus-Face"? So, do you have any ideas who it might be, young lady? Well, Sir, I'm only a humble nurse, but I did at one point think it might be Captain Darling.
Well, bugger me with a fish fork! Old Darling, a Jerry Morse-tapper? What on earth made you suspect him? Well, he poo-pooed the Captain here and said that he'd never find the spy.
Is this true, Blackadder? Did captain Darling poo-poo you? Well, perhaps a little.
Damn it all, what more evidence do you need? The poo-pooing alone is a court-martial offence! I can assure you, Sir, that the poo-pooing was purely circumstantial.
Well, I hope so, Blackadder.
You know, if there's one thing I've learned from being in the Army, it's never ignore a poo-poo.
I knew a major, got poo-pooed made the mistake of ignoring the poo-poo.
He poo-pooed it.
Fatal error, because it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-pooed him had been poo-pooing a lot of other officers who poo-pooed their poo-poos.
In the end, we had to disband the regiment, morale totally destroyed by poo-poo! Yes, I think we may be drifting slightly from the point here, Sir, which is that, unfortunately, and to my lasting regret, Captain Darling is not the spy.
Oh? And then who the hell is? Well, Sir, there is a man in the hospital with a pronounced limp and a very strong German accent.
It must be him it's obvious.
Obvious, but wrong.
- It's not him.
- And why not? Because, Sir, not even the Germans would be stupid enough to field a spy with a strong German accent.
Well then, who is it? Well, it's perfectly simple.
It's you.
- Edmund! - Baldrick! Explain yourself, Blackadder, before I have you shot for being rude to a lady.
Well, Sir, the first seeds of suspicion were sown when Lieutenant George unwittingly revealed that she spoke German.
Do you deny, Nurse Fletcher-Brown or should I say Nurse Fleischer-Baum? that you helped Lieutenant George with the German words in his letters? No, I did, but my suspicions were confirmed when she probed me expertly about tank movements.
Oh, Edmund, how could you, after all we've been through? And then the final, irrefutable proof.
Remember you mentioned a clever boyfriend? Yes.
I then leapt on the opportunity to test you.
I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.
You failed to spot that only two of those are great universities.
You swine! That's right, Oxford's a complete dump! Well, quite.
No true Englishwoman could have fallen into that trap.
Oh, Edmund, I thought there was something beautiful between us.
I thought you loved me.
Nah.
Take her away, Baldrick.
Raus! Raus! Well, good work, Blackadder.
Now I'd better go assemble a firing squad.
Watch out, Sir! Darling, what on earth do you think you're doing? I'll tell you exactly what I am doing, Sir.
I'm doing what Blackadder should have done three weeks ago, Sir.
This is the guilty man! - Darling, you're hysterical.
- No, Sir! No, I'm not, Sir! I'll ask him outright, are you a spy? - Yes, I am a spy! - You see, Sir?! Well, of course he's a spy, Darling A British spy! This is Brigadier Sir Bernard Proudfoot-Smith, the finest spy in the British Army! B-but he can't be, Sir, He he doesn't even sound British.
Unfortunately, I have been working undercover in Germany for so long that I have picked up a teensy-weensy bit of an accent.
This, Darling, is the man who told us that there was a German spy in the hospital in the first place.
Ah.
Right, well, that's that, then.
- Blackadder.
- Yes, Sir? You are now head of Operation Winkle.
- Thank you, Sir.
- Darling.
Yes, Sir? - You are a complete arse.
- Thank you, Sir.
Right, Bernard, let's go and watch the firing squad.
Jawohl, mein General! Sir, what the devil is going on? I've just seen Nurse Mary being led away to a firing squad! Nurse Mary is the spy, George.
- What? Impossible! - Afraid so.
Well, cover me with eggs and flour and bake me for 14 minutes.
Who'd have thought it, eh? Nurse Mary, a Bosche nose-poker-inner! Oh well, lots of exciting stuff to put in my next letter to my Uncle Herman in Munich.
Sorry? Those letters I've been writing in hospital to my German uncle.
- New information, Blackadder? - George.
Oh, yes, well, I know there's a war on, but family is family and old Uncle Hermie does so love to be kept abreast of what's going on.
I even wrote and told him about old Walrus-Face Melchett and his smelly old shirts! Would you like me to tell this one to the General, or would you enjoy that very special moment? Tweaks by XhmikosR