Brooklyn Nine-Nine s04e05 Episode Script

1 [triangle dinging.]
Attention, squad.
Mm, pretty dainty way to make an announcement.
It's a workplace.
I wanted to be respectful.
Well, as someone at a high risk for a spook-related death, thank you.
As I was saying, it's time for round four of the Halloween Heist [air horns blaring.]
[yelling.]
If I don't make it, tell Gina I love her.
What's up, Nine-Nine? Jake Peralta here to tell you that tonight is the night for the Halloween Heist.
Amy already went over this.
What? Ames, what are you doing? I always announce the heist.
Yeah, Amy, what the hell are you doing? Exercising my right to announce the heist as the defending champion.
Defending champion.
The only reason you won is 'cause no one knew you were even playing.
It was a pathetic act of pure cowardice.
Whoa, she's your girlfriend, Peralta.
Not tonight, she isn't.
Although don't kiss anyone else.
I love you so much.
Now, then, this one's for all [marching band playing "Ride of the Valkyries".]
- Such a dork.
- So cool.
Attention, squad.
- Tonight - Nope.
Y'all three really should have coordinated.
What? I really should be the one to introduce the heist, as the last legitimate champion.
Peralta hasn't won since the first year.
He's a has-been.
Yeah, well, this has-been has been with yo' mama all week.
Sorry, I feel like I crossed a line; I apologize.
- [siren wails.]
- Attention, everyone.
Enough.
We know.
The heist is happening.
No! My ex-wife just died.
No more alimony, baby! This year's Halloween Heist is a three-way tiebreaker to determine the champion of champions.
We'll be playing for this: a plaque that reads, "The Ultimate Detective/Genius.
" You and Santiago should quit now.
I'm going to stomp on your dreams.
It's fun to see you so passionate.
I will slit you both open from mouth to anus and wear you like jackets.
Wow.
Is it weird that that turned me on a little bit? Doesn't matter.
But let's move on.
The plaque will be held in this.
Is that my childhood caboodle? It most certainly is, but don't worry.
I removed the scrunchies, old report cards, and photos of young Al Gore.
I'm better-looking than him anyway.
We're talking a young Al Gore? [both laugh.]
Peralta, you do make me laugh.
Okay, stings a little bit.
It will be secured with this brand-new lock.
Hitchcock, if you would do the honors.
There you are.
You can have that back in three Nope, don't ever need it back.
Now, then, locking the caboodle.
The "ca-boo-dale" will be placed in the center of the bullpen.
Right, and what is the name of the store at the mall that sells the sticky pastries? You mean the "See-nay-bone"? Yeah, that was it.
Thanks.
Continue.
Whoever possesses the plaque at sunup wins.
Now let's pick teams.
I've got a ton of work.
You can just leave me out this year.
- Interesting.
Interesting.
- Oh, Terry, Terry, Terry.
What? How naive do you think we are? You're "not participating" so you can sneak under our noses and steal a victory, like Santiago did last year.
I'm going to my desk.
Heists are dumb.
If you have nothing to hide, then I'm sure you won't mind me asking Hitchcock and Scully to keep an eye on you.
Whatever.
My eyes will be glued to that ass.
Great! It's now time to choose from the remaining players.
Amy, since you're last year's champion, you go first.
- I choose Rosa.
- Dope.
I select Charles Boyle.
What? What's the matter, Peralta? Were you expecting to have Detective Boyle on your team? Have I thrown a wrench into your plans? Absolutely not.
I'm just surprised, because you have such a strong connection with Gina.
But I'm glad she's on my team.
I had absolutely nothing planned for Charles.
I totally planned everything for Charles.
- This is a nightmare! - Ew! What can Charles Boyle do that I can't? Roller-skate like an angel.
Whore, I'm great on skates.
Or are you forgetting Jenn Sutton's fourth grade birthday party? I have definitely forgotten that.
Well, I skated like a pro, and then I spent seven minutes in heaven with the Todd Cohen.
It was dope.
My point is, I can do anything Charles can.
Except look exactly like the body double I got for him.
Bill, you can come out now.
Hi.
Okay, yeah, this pasty white guy is gonna be a problem.
So I believe the key to good teamwork is an equal exchange of ideas Stop.
I know you already have a plan.
And I want to win, so for the next eight hours, I'm down with all your nerdy crap.
Come on, Amy.
Show me the binder.
Okay, but it's not a binder.
It's a virtual binder, and it's encrypted on this flash drive.
That's my girl.
Now, where's the 3-D model of the precinct? Inside the key chain.
It's a frickin' hologram.
Yes.
I'm so excited, Captain.
So how are we gonna do it? Here's everything you need to know.
- It's blank.
- It's a metaphor.
You get nothing.
You lose.
Good day, sir.
But we're teammates.
You chose me.
You're too close with Peralta.
I don't trust you.
I only chose you to disrupt his plans.
And now that you've served your purpose, you're no longer needed.
[scoffs.]
I feel so used.
Am I just a piece of meat to you? Yes.
Now, put on a smile, Pork Chop.
So what are you planning for the heist? The only thing I'm planning is getting my work done.
Sure, you are.
Come clean, or we'll tell everybody about your mistress.
I don't have a mistress.
You don't? But you're so good-looking.
What's the point? As expected, all eyes are on the caboodle.
It's go time.
Now, Gina.
Whoopsie! Bill, but you got to stand like me.
I'm kind of like a young Brando, so give it that energy.
Okay, yeah.
You're doing the best you can with the tools that you have.
Looks like nobody's onto us.
Go, Gina! So, Bill, do you have a real job or I'm the third in a lot of marriages.
I got a nice soft face, so I don't intimidate the husbands.
Hmm, strange, the random person I hired off the streets of Brooklyn is a weirdo.
- What? - Hmm? Nothing.
There she goes.
Now, Bill, the key here is that I came in before work and replaced the door handles with ones that lock from the outside.
[chuckling.]
Pretty smart.
All right, Bill.
The time is now.
Show your face.
Show your face to the world! What the hell? Amy! [gasps.]
Pick your jaws up off the floor, ladies.
Where did Gina come from? And here comes Jake! Whoo! Welcome to the big show.
I was gonna sneak the plaque out without anybody knowing, but then I thought so much more fun to make you watch.
Now enjoy as I steal the plaque of destiny.
Ah, trying to pick the lock, El Capitán? That'll take at least three minutes, by which time I will have hidden this plaque somewhere you will never find it.
Voilà.
Of course, you could break the window, but you would never knowingly destroy government property, would you? Whoop! Well, misread that one.
Gina, skate! Skate like the wind! - Aah! - So long, suckers! [groans.]
[gasps.]
Oh! Gina, are you okay? [lisping.]
It's cool.
I'm fine.
Ain't no thang.
Totally, girl! You look good! [lisping.]
Oh, it hurts so bad.
I hope to God I'm not humbled by this.
I'm so sorry, Gina.
It should have been Charles on those skates.
This is why you should always roller-skate with a helmet and a mouth guard.
Hey, don't blame the victim.
I'm just so sick of roller skating's dangerous image.
We're not all bad boys.
Yeah, none.
All right, Gina, get your stuff.
I'm taking you to the dentist.
No, no, no, no.
I'll go alone.
I don't need anyone's help.
Just order me an UberSELEC or better.
And despite our natural desire to stop everything, you'd like us to soldier on in your absence and keep the heist going? Yeah, that's fine.
Well, you heard the lady.
She insists we continue.
Let's mop up this blood and get back at it.
With all due respect, sir, I don't think that's the best idea.
The blood is dry.
We can just clean it up after.
Oh, agreed.
Ah, I love tonight.
However, there is the small issue of me losing my partner.
Now, Terry, I know that you were upset that no one picked you earlier.
Not what happened.
Regardless, please be my partner, please, please, please, please, please, please.
No! Heists are dumb, and I have work to do.
You're dumb, and I have heist to do.
[yells.]
Overreacted.
Damn it! You know what? Forget Terry.
At the time of the accident, my team had the plaque, so I will just grab it and give myself a four-minute head start.
Not so fast, Peralta.
I say we reset the plaque and start over.
What? But my team had it.
Charles, tell him.
No, Jake.
We're resetting.
Charles, what are you saying? The plaque goes Back! [groans.]
Yes, Pork Chop.
Yes.
I have eyes on Kristy, Stacey, and Claudia.
You used their code names.
You read the plans, addenda and all! Damn right, I did.
I told you, I'm all in.
And you didn't make fun of me for basing it all on "The Baby-Sitters Club.
" And I even did your suggested reading of "Kristy's Big Day.
" You did? Calm down.
You're such a Mary Anne.
I am! It's true! So, Boyle, I was impressed with how you stood up to Peralta and demanded a reset.
Ha! I'm Team Holt all the way, baby.
Also, I'm pretty upset with him for letting Gina sweat up my skates.
Well, perhaps I can use a teammate after all.
Do you swear I can trust you? Yes.
I swear.
Let's unleash hell.
Thanks for coming back, Bill.
I really needed a teammate.
Hey, man, you're paying.
Yeah.
You can take the wig off if you want.
Whatever you want, man.
You're paying.
Could you stop saying that, Bill? It's making me a little uncomfortable.
All right, man.
It's your money.
That's the same thing.
What is this? It's a jack-o'-lantern.
Don't touch it.
Why not? Because you're hiding something in there? Because my daughters made it and your palms are all black.
What have you been touching? Huh! Well, this has got me stumped.
I got a pizza here for Raymond Holt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Holt hates pizza.
He's trying to distract us.
Oh, if I were trying to distract you, I would have sent you the pizza.
This is your doing, you and your male prostitute.
Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.
I have a pizza here for Raymond Holt.
What's going on? Both: I have a pizza here for Raymond Holt.
Which one of you bozos did this? Us? You know how much planning it takes to get this many pizza guys here at the same time? A binder full of planning.
This has Amy written all over it.
If I had done this, it would say "Captain Raymond Holt.
" I'm not going to disrespect you, sir, even for the sake of the heist.
I'll guard the plaque! You're not leaving my sight.
Bill, can you see what's going on? Do you have eyes on Charles and Rosa? I don't know who anybody is.
There's too much pizza! I see Holt.
I see Charles.
Where's Terry? Terry's leaving, because Terry's got work to do.
Hitchcock! Scully! Follow Terry! Both: On it! Aah! I'm getting bounced around like a pinball! - This is madness! - Who hired you? Who do you work for, pizza man? [air horn blares.]
Everyone with a pizza, get out of here! - [gasps.]
The caboodle! - The caboodle! The "ca-boo-dale"! I know one of you took the plaque.
And I swear on my living mother's future grave, I'm not gonna let you get away with it.
Or it was you, Jake.
You love pizza.
It's true.
You had it for breakfast this morning.
When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime! Well, it certainly wasn't Boyle and me.
We were out here the whole time.
Plus, we already ate.
Autumn salads with farm-fresh squash.
That's right, I'm catering for our team.
Look who I found hiding in the interrogation room: this guilty son of a bitch.
Still your sergeant.
Look, I wasn't hiding.
I was doing my work.
Hitchcock and Scully were with me.
Were they, or perhaps were they distracted by your brilliant pizza ruse? Totally distracted.
I ate two whole pies.
Folded 'em up like tacos.
You're suspect number one, Jeffords.
- Whatever.
- "Whatever.
" Spoken like a common criminal.
Still a long time till sunup.
All I have to say is, whoever took that plaque, you better watch out.
Come on, Rosa.
- Come on, Boyle.
- Yes, sir.
Come on Bill.
Okay, was the operation a success? - You tell me.
- [squeals.]
Blended right in with the pizza guys.
Got out my bolt cutters.
Lock snapped on the first try.
No one saw me leave.
Got to hand it to you beautiful plan.
Beautiful execution.
It's kind of like we're our own baby-sitters club.
Oh, my God, I don't want tonight to ever end.
Did you by chance read the excerpt from "The Truth About Stacey"? The one about the rival baby-sitters That get caught smoking cigarettes? Well, let's just say that these two baby-sitters aren't getting caught with squat.
This is where I stash a few cigarettes on the rare occasion that I need a puff.
Dope.
The hiding place, not the smoking.
Mary Anne is better than that.
She's a work in progress.
This is so frustrating.
There's no way of knowing who has the plaque.
- Amy and Rosa have it.
- What? How do you know? Diaz usually favors her left leg, but after "zero dark pizza," she was suddenly favoring her right.
Yes, yes, which means that she was You trailed off and didn't finish speaking.
Continue.
I don't want to.
Her gait was thrown off because she was carrying the plaque.
And I know exactly where it's hidden: in Santiago's secret cigarette stash.
How did you find that? Whenever she gets stressed out, she smokes.
And it's almost too easy to stress her out.
Oh, Santiago, I Never mind.
What is it? What? I got to go.
Bing-pot.
And now it's time to send in our cute little secret weapon.
I'm ready, Captain.
I love the nickname.
No, Charles, not you.
I was talking about Cheddar.
Oh, right, obviously.
Over the past month, I've had him trained to retrieve plaques.
And now, boy, it's time to make Daddy proud.
Yes, sir.
I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.
Time is running out.
We got to stop playing by the rules and start playing dirty.
Follow my lead, Bill.
Okay, but first I should tell you my safe word is "cabbage.
" Why? You know what? Never mind.
It doesn't matter.
Hey, Charles! Charles, get in here.
Come on.
What is Holt up to? Does he have the plaque? Does he know who does? I'm not telling you that, Jake.
I'm Team Holt, and there's nothing you could say that will change that.
Okay, fine, then I guess I have a new best friend, and his name is Bill.
[scoffs.]
You're not serious.
He's just a prop for the heist.
Sure, it started out that way, but you know how these things go, spending time together, sharing intimate secrets, laughing about nothing in particular.
- [laughs.]
- Cabbage.
Holt has the plaque.
It's hidden in the evidence room in a box marked "Cold Cases 1972.
" Thanks, bud.
We will always be best friends.
[sighs.]
You hear that, Bill? Nobody likes you! Ain't she a beaut? Sexy.
Immediately ruined it, Bill.
Immediately.
Here you go.
Chht, chht, chht, chh What is happening right now? The last sands are running through the hourglass chh, chh, chh because your time is running out, and you are never going to get the plaque.
Oh, Captain, stop.
I just can't let you embarrass yourself.
I told Jake everything.
He threatened to replace me, and I freaked out hard.
- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
I knew you would betray me.
That's why I fed you fake Intel.
Both: What? The plaque was never in "Cold Cases 1972.
" As if I'd just put it in a box, unattended.
Uh, but you did.
No, I didn't.
Then how do you explain this? I have no idea.
I put the plaque in my office.
Cheddar? Come here.
Come here.
Come here, baby.
- What the hell? - Yeah, thank you.
Return to my office, please.
What's up, you little turds? Wait, what is going on? We have the plaque.
Yeah, I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.
"I Just Got It Out of the Vent to Rub It in Your Faces.
" Name of your sex tape.
What? Something strange is afoot.
Which of these is real? Black lights.
What the hell? Oh, my God.
Our precinct is disgusting.
Dear God.
Hitchcock and Scully's desk.
- All: Ugh! - Wait.
Look at the plaques.
- "Are.
" - "Heists.
" "Dumb.
" Are heists dumb? Of course not.
That was a stupid question.
No, Jake, it's says, "Heists are dumb.
" [gasps.]
all: Terry! The Oscar for best liar goes to you! That's not an Oscars category.
What's going on? Not to be harsh, Sarge, but you're setting a terrible example for your daughters, and they're gonna grow up to be total failures.
You take that back.
No, she's right, Jeffords.
Your children are doomed.
Where's the plaque? For the last time, I don't know.
I've been working here the whole time.
Ask them.
Well, actually, we both fell asleep.
And Jeffords never woke us up.
Coincidence? I don't need this.
You're not going anywhere.
- Damn, Rosa! - [shrieks.]
He's trying to get away! Everyone start panicking! He had someone lock the door.
'Sup, losers? I have the real plaque! Unh, unh! Gina! Of course! It all makes sense, except for the parts I don't understand and the fact that I still kind of think Terry did this.
Nope, it was all me.
Three weeks ago, Captain Holt asked me to order a plaque that read, "The Ultimate Detective/Genius.
" I did it, and I ordered three copies and a statue of Tyrese riding a dolphin.
- Is that relevant? - To my life, yes.
Once I had the plaques, I manipulated Captain Holt into choosing Boyle as his partner.
All it took was six bottles of dish soap.
See, this is what happens when Jake tries to wash dishes by himself.
It's like he's helpless without Boyle.
Yes.
He is helpless without Boyle.
And you fell for my trap like a greedy little rat.
Easy.
Yes, it was easy.
And the next phase of my plan: a "skating accident.
" But you knocked out your two front teeth.
False teeth.
Fake blood.
I lost my real teeth at Jenn Sutton's birthday party in fourth grade.
Oh, you made sure I didn't remember that! It was minute five of seven minutes in heaven with Todd Cohen when he bumped the wall and a bowling ball fell on my face.
Maybe I just wasn't at that party.
Once I had faked the skating mishap, I swapped out a dummy plaque for the real one.
Then I left to go to the dentist.
And you convinced your dentist to help you carry out the rest of the heist.
- No.
- Of course not.
Go ahead.
I came back, wearing the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone.
Something so drab and uninspiring This feels like it's gonna be a dig on me.
- I wore Amy's clothes.
- There it is.
This is your doing, you and your male prostitute.
Bill is not a male prostitute, I don't think.
That suit is not drab.
It has a fun salmon lining.
No, Amy, it made me invisible.
And now that I had that power, every time one of you stole a plaque, I replaced it with a fake.
And no one had any idea until the lights went out, revealing a secret message: "Heists are dumb.
" Then we raced in here to blame Terry, and you trapped us.
But how did you know he was gonna say "heists are dumb"? Terry says that about everything.
Everyone should wear suspenders.
Belts are dumb.
People should swim forward.
The backstroke is dumb.
30 grams of fat? Hummus is dumb.
And now here you all are, locked up behind the glass like a bunch of loser fish.
I bet you're wondering why I did it.
Because you wanted to win? No! I had a loftier goal in mind.
Can you do me a favor and tell me what that says right there? "The Ultimate Detective/Genius.
" Detective.
Can you imagine what that word sounds like to someone who's not a detective? Discriminatory.
It's worse than segregation.
- Both: Uh-uh.
- Too far? I'm sorry.
But I think I've proved a point, and that's why we're changing the name of the plaque forever! To what? All: Gina Linetti is the ultimate human/genius.
Thank you.
And now I'd like to say a few words.
You talked for, like, an hour when you had us locked in that interrogation room.
I'm a fair ruler.
Your comment has been heard.
But seriously, you guys, I just want to say, I freaking love you losers.
Happy Halloween.
All: Happy Halloween! Take out your teeth.
- Yeah! - Yeah! All: Take out your teeth! Take out your teeth! Take out your teeth! Oh! I'm invincible!