Bunk'd (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

1 Good morning, campers.
I'm happy to announce that our grasshopper problem at Snake Cabin has been resolved with ironically, a snake.
In other news, we have a mild, yet somewhat concerning snake problem in Just let me know if you see any snakes.
This is great.
How so? I've always wanted a pet snake and now, one can just fall from the ceiling.
This is what they call, living the dream.
These snakes are not pets, Gwen.
They're an infestation, like rats or bugs.
Mosquito, mos-quato.
No one worry, I've ordered a mongoose online and our problem should be alleviated in three to five business days.
What's a mongoose? A snake's arch enemy.
It's basically a big ferret with an attitude problem.
I can respect that.
I am also pleased to announce that we have two newly-certified life guards.
Ava, come on up.
Congratulations, Ava.
You should be so proud.
Best day of my life.
Guess we'll skip photo-op then.
And our other new lifeguard is Noah.
What? Me? I'm so surprised.
I totally wasn't expecting this.
I don't know what to say.
I knew I should've hidden those note cards.
My love of swimming started the day I was born.
It was a water birth.
Let me take you through it.
If only there was a lifeguard to save us from this speech.
Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka Once there was a school house deep in the woods, and in that school there was a classroom pet, a bunny named Fred.
Bad idea.
It's always harder to eat 'em when you name 'em.
But it can be done.
You are never dog-sitting for me.
Then one night, Fred got out of his cage and wandered into the chemistry lab.
He got into a bottle of magnesium phosphate, causing him to double in size and morph into a terrifying mutant bunny, still named Fred.
A small note.
Magnesium phosphate wouldn't cause that kind of reaction.
It's inert at room temperature.
You're inert.
The students finally managed to capture the mutant bunny.
They chained it in the basement but the shackles were no match for its giant fangs.
It shredded the door with its razor-sharp claws and escaped into the woods, these woods.
You're reading that.
How does the book know we're in these woods? Has the book been watching us? Can it see us now? I knew books were dangerous.
How does it end? Sometimes at night, you can still hear Fred's chains dragging, rattling, looking to feast on the kids who made it a prisoner.
- (SHRIEKS) - (KIDS SHRIEKING) Still got it.
Hi, where are you coming from? Ah, nowhere.
I was just On a hike.
At night, in your bathrobe and flip-flops? You know what, I don't judge the way you hike with your hiking shorts and appropriate footwear.
Hey, maybe next time you go I'll strap on the old hiking flip-flops and join you.
Yeah, sure.
I'll look forward to that.
Cool.
And I'll pretend you meant it.
Guys, our snake problem is about to be solved.
Overnight shipping.
Mongoose Express has my business for life.
Oh, Gwen.
I have your parents on the phone for you.
They're on the phone? I guess they're not worried about the Man spying on our calls anymore.
Hi, Mommy.
Lou, how long until the mongoose takes out all the snakes? I am seeing them everywhere.
I'm afraid of my belt drawer.
They'll be gone ASAP.
Snake-ageddon will begin the moment I let this mongoose out of this box.
Snake-ageddon began the moment the mongoose let himself out of this box.
Is everything okay, Gwen? (SIGHS) My parents just told me I am going to be starting school next year.
Nice.
You've never been to school? No, I've been home-schooled.
It's great.
Every year, I'm top of my class.
Although the dances are kinda sad.
You're gonna love school.
Yeah, I loved kindergarten and first grade so much, I did them twice.
My dad says at this rate, I am gonna be able to drive in seventh grade.
Is everything okay? I'm fine.
I just need to go be fine by myself for a while.
What was that all about? I bet your story last night really scared her.
She probably thinks every classroom has a mutant bunny locked in the basement.
And now that she's going to school Oh, I feel so bad.
I am gonna fix this.
Right after I find that mongoose and make sure he's kicking some snake butt.
Are you trying to figure out if snakes have butts? You get me.
A certified hero.
Never fear.
I'll save you.
(IN A MANLY VOICE) Never fear, I'll save you.
Wait, Ava's going flip-flop hiking without me? But she promised I could come.
Now she's changing her mind.
I see why she wears flip-flops, because you know, flip-flop is like flip-flopping, changing your mind.
Why am I explaining this to myself? You're not by yourself.
How long have you been here? Don't worry.
I definitely didn't hear "Never fear, I'll save you.
" Oh.
(SIGHS) Good.
How does she do this in flip-flops? She found a hot spring and didn't tell me? For someone in a warm bath, that's real cold.
Hey Ava, got a minute? I'm late to lead Beginning Whittling.
If I don't get there soon someone's gonna lose a pinky.
Actually, even if I get there on time, someone will probably still lose a pinky.
I don't know what whittling is.
What's up? I just had something I wanted to tell you.
It's kind of a secret.
Oh, no thanks.
Get this.
Last year, I tried piercing my own ears.
So we're just gonna go for it.
Anyway, several infections later, I now have earlobe implants.
Why would you tell me that? Why would you tell anyone that? So you will feel comfortable sharing a secret with me.
Now, your turn.
Spill some tea.
Some hot bubbly tea.
I would, but I can't beat fake lobes.
Come on, you can tell me any of your secrets.
Even your most recent ones.
- We're friends.
- Are we? You don't think we're friends? Look, I like you.
This isn't personal.
I just don't have a lot of friends.
Partly because I value my privacy.
So Are we good? Yeah, we're good.
Great.
See you around.
But you know, not too often.
Hello, helpdesk.
Yes, hi.
I just had a quick question.
What happens if the mongoose I ordered falls in love with the snake? Yes, I'll hold.
Yay, hotdogs again.
Finn, I thought you were vegetarian.
Wait, hotdogs are meat? Bummer.
I'll make a list for you later.
Things that are meat.
I thought it would be unnecessary given I made you the things that are not meat list.
But (CLICKS TONGUE) Here we are.
I guess I can give up hotdogs.
They didn't put out any sprinkles, anyway.
You put sprinkles on your hotdogs? Aww, don't tell me those are meat, too.
(SIGHS) What's wrong? Nothing.
Well, if you're gonna keep bugging me about it.
Ava hurt my feelings.
First she doesn't tell me about her secret hot spring, then she says we're not friends.
I even told her my lobe thing.
What's your lobe thing? Okay.
Moving on.
Did you say there's a hot spring around here? Yeah, you just walk past the water tower for a few miles, take a left at the big rock.
I probably shouldn't be telling you this because Ava was keeping it a secret.
But as her not friend, I feel not obligated to keep it.
These pores could use a steam.
Well, knock yourself out.
If anybody needs me, I'll be in my cabin playing sad trombone.
Although, there really isn't any other kind of trombone.
Finn, you're vegetarian.
Oh come on, Matteo hasn't made me the list yet.
Hey Gwen, why aren't you inside eating hotdogs? No pressure, but the expiration date is tomorrow ish.
I'm sorry for scaring you with all that evil bunny stuff last night.
As it turns out, there is such a thing as being too gifted a storyteller.
It's a real burden.
No, I liked your story.
I just don't want to go to school.
But school's fun.
Why don't you wanna go? Well, what if I don't know how to do certain stuff? That's what school's for.
Teaching you important things like science and how to play "Hot Cross Buns" on the recorder.
Hey, Stan.
How many hotdogs d'you eat? Only two? Then get back in there.
I said, all mouths on deck.
Hey, um, can I talk to you? I don't know.
I'm kinda enjoying my privacy right now.
Look, I just came here to apologize.
No.
You should apologize to me.
Wait, what? I was a little prickly earlier and I just wanted to explain myself.
The reason I'm so funny about my alone time is because I've never had any.
I grew up in a big family.
But then last week, I found and you're not gonna believe this A hot spring.
A hot spring? Here.
Now.
What? No.
Finally, for the first time I have a place that's just mine.
So, why are you telling me this? Well, you told me your big secret, which I can't un-hear.
But I am trying to open up more at camp, and I know you won't tell anyone.
I trust you.
That's me.
The guy you can trust with information like that.
I was actually about to go there now.
Do you wanna come with? Yes.
Can you just give me 10 minutes? For what? Is it an earlobe thing? Yeah, that.
Say no more, take 15.
Hey.
Um, what's going on? I thought you said I was gonna get to try a sprinkle dog.
Welcome to class Kikiwaka.
I know you're scared about starting school so we're all here to help you see that there is nothing to be afraid of in a real classroom.
This is all I've ever wanted at camp.
Reading, math, science, and more math? Matteo really loves school.
I don't know if you picked up on that.
Okay everyone, please take a seat.
I don't think I wanna do this.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Yeah Gwen, Miss Hockhauser is the best teacher ever.
Do you kiss up this much at real school? Don't hate the player, hate the game, unless you want to, Miss Hockhauser.
You know best.
Yes, Finn? Do we really have to learn or are we just pretending to learn? Just do what you normally do.
Nap time.
Oh, not now Noah.
Kitchen's closed.
Oh, did the health board finally shut us down? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) What an untrue possibility, Noah.
Class is in session so unless you have a hall pass, please skedaddle.
I just need to talk to Destiny, Finn and Matteo for one second.
You guys know the hot spring I told you about? Can you promise not to go there, please? - Fine.
- Sure.
Sounded too much like a bath, anyhow.
Should we have said that we told a bunch of other kids about the hot spring? Seems irrelevant.
Today, we're gonna start with reading.
Lucky for you guys, I brought my favorite book of short stories.
Has anyone here ever read, Ready Farmer One? That's my favorite farmified dystopian allegory.
There are so many good ones.
Gwen, would you like to read us the first page? It looks like Matteo really loves the book.
- He can do it.
- (GIGGLES) I read it twice already.
You go.
See, school is fun and supportive.
Here.
I have a stomach ache.
Oh no, how many hot dogs did you eat? I told people, no more than seven.
But no less than seven.
It's not the hot dogs, okay? I just don't wanna be here.
Gwen.
Nice robe.
Thanks, it's Matteo's.
And thank you so much for inviting me to the hot spring.
The best part is, it will just be you and me (KIDS CHATTERING) And these people? Oh, you're gonna have to wait.
We're at capacity.
Also, I am gonna have to ask you to put on a longer robe.
How did everyone find out about my secret hot spring? Okay, hear me out.
I did tell three people but then I untold them and I only told people before you told me not to tell people.
Okay, word salad.
Just tell me one thing, how did you know about my hot spring? I followed you, so that's on you.
No, wait.
It's also on me.
You know what, just forget it.
Ava, wait.
I have never had a place that has been just mine before and now thanks to you, I still don't.
- I'm sorry, please don't be mad.
- I'm not mad, I'm just (SIGHS) Disappointed.
Please be mad then.
I'll take mad.
Forget it.
This is why I don't have friends.
Gwen? Oh well, I guess we'll just have to wait to talk to her.
To pass the time, should we discuss wilderness survival? You know, if you encounter a black bear in the woods, you should make yourself small.
No! Make yourself big.
Are you trying to get eaten? Oh, I see what you did there.
Do you wanna talk about what happened? I'm sorry I threw your book.
I hope it's okay.
I'm more worried about if you're okay.
(SIGHS) I just got scared people are going to laugh at me.
Why would people laugh at you? Maybe because I'm not good at some things.
We all have things we're not good at.
Well, the one I'm thinking of is a pretty big thing.
Gwen, why don't you tell us what's really bothering you? It's just I can't read very well, especially aloud.
Is that what this is all about? Why didn't you just tell me? It's embarrassing.
It's not embarrassing.
Lots of people can't read very well.
It just means they need a little extra help.
And we're your friends.
We would never laugh at you.
But what about people who aren't my friends? Like at my new school? So what if they laugh, don't worry about it.
They're gonna be lots of kids at your new school and you're gonna find the ones that are worth listening to.
And they'll be the ones who care about you, and want you to do better, like us.
I do want to get better.
Well, if you want, I'd be happy to help you with your reading this summer so you're ready when your school starts.
I'd like that.
Thanks, guys.
(MONGOOSE CHITTERS) Is someone else hiding in here? No, that's the mongoose.
He and the snake broke up.
But he's taking it out on the whole family.
(SCREECHING) Oh, you discovered my music spot.
Guess you better go tell everyone.
Okay, you're right to be mad, but I think I found a way to make things up to you.
How? Can you please just meet me at the hot spring in half an hour? Oh, you mean the new public pool? Yeah, no thanks.
Come on.
Give me a chance.
Give me one good reason why I should.
I was hoping you'd say that.
I can give you 103.
Fine, I'll go.
Just put that away.
Great, I'm excited.
Are you excited? You're not excited.
You'll be excited.
Noah, where are you? - (METAL CLANKING) - (RUMBLING) What's that sound coming from the woods? I don't know but it sounds scary.
- Roar! - (BOTH SCREAM) - It's Fred.
- The mutant bunny from the story we all heard.
We should all get out of here and never come back.
Roar? The mutant bunny was Noah the whole time? Still scary.
Never fear.
I'll save you.
Back off, Reggie.
I'm a lifeguard too.
Although, your "I'll save you" was spot on.
Dang it.
- Sorry, Noah.
- We tried.
It's okay.
What was that? I was trying to scare everyone away so you can have your hot spring back.
Well, your heart was in the right place but your head landed over there.
(SCREAMING) Save your pity scream, guys.
It's over.
Snakes.
Right there.
(KIDS SCREAM CHAOTICALLY) Oh, you're on your own.
Some hero.
(KIDS YELLING) (SNAKES HISSING) Mommy! Everyone re Break up the word, like we practiced.
Everyone re Mem Bers Where they were the day of the har Vest.
- Harvest.
- Really good.
I was sitting in the barn with the dogs and sheep As the pigs looked on and all was well on the farm.
The end.
You did it.
You read all of Ready Farmer One.
I did, and nobody laughed.
- I mean, except at the funny parts.
- (LOU LAUGHS) You were great.
You're gonna kick school's butt.
Are you trying to figure out if schools have butts? No, I was thinking about the story.
I think the pigs represent mankind's foolish pride.
- Really? - No.
I was totally thinking about school butts.
Well, the campers are staying away from the hot spring now.
They all think the snakes are nesting there.
But the snakes are gone.
How did everyone get that idea? Oh, I don't know, maybe 'cause I told them.
I figured I'd use my blabbermouth powers for good.
Wow First the bunny costume and now this? No one's ever gone through so much trouble for me before.
Well, I really messed up and then I messed up again.
Maybe that's why I don't have many friends either.
But the good news is you have your hot spring back, and I won't bother you there anymore.
You know You could bother me there sometimes, if you wanted.
Really? But What about having a private place all to yourself? (TITTERS) Privacy can get a little lonely.
Also, it would be kinda nice sometimes to share it with a friend.
- Did you say "friend"? - I also said, sometimes.
Twice.
- I'll take it, bring it in.
- Walk it out.
Okie doke.
Hello, helpdesk.
Yes, I'd like to return a slightly heartbroken mongoose who's haunted by the memory of devouring his girlfriend's family.
What can I get with store credit? Okay.
Sprinkle dogs on three.
One, two, three.
- Actually, this is pretty good.
- Really good.
Finn might just be a genius.
Check it out, if I smell the hot dog while I'm eating not meat, it's like I'm eating meat.
Hmm.
Needs sprinkles.
You know, on second thought, genius is a strong word.