Catastrophe (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

1 I think it's great that they let a guy with a head injury have his own show, but it's not really fair on his guests.
(SHE CHUCKLES) Why are you working on a Sunday? 'Cause if I finish this today, then I can be home for dinner tomorrow night.
(SHE SIGHS) God! Seriously, when's it all gonna stop being such a slog? (SHE DRIBBLES AND SLURPS) Shit! Oh, I forgot to say, - Mrs Hammond's retiring next week.
- Really? She wants to spend more time with her grandchildren poor fuckers! Got this new bloke taking over from her he's making me anxious.
Why? I thought you hated Hammond.
Yeah, but at least I knew where I was with her.
What if the new guy doesn't get me my teaching style, you know? I'm pretty maverick.
- Okay, Captain, My Captain.
- (THEY CHUCKLE) I've gotta get her a leaving gift, as well, for God's sake! What about, like, a tasteful sex toy? Oh, right.
So, like a like a Waterford-crystal dildo? Well, don't go crazy, but maybe antique nipple clamps? (BOTH LAUGH) Frankie just heard that.
Great! Now we don't have to have the nipple-clamp talk.
- - (KNOCKING) - Can we interrupt you? Oh, yeah.
I was just checking the pricing on Rob, this is James Cohen.
He's just taken over from Antony Tillman as global chief operating officer.
- Good to meet you in person, Rob.
- Good to meet you, too.
James is just here on a whirlwind visit on his way to the Geneva office.
Ah, not such a whirlwind.
I'll be here for a week or two.
I've been hearing really good things about you, Rob, or rather I haven't heard anything bad, - and that's good.
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Once they took the vending machine out of the employee kitchen, - I became a lot more productive.
- (HE LAUGHS) - Ah - Oh, yes, we have to get down to research.
- Shall we catch up later? - Okay.
Ah, hey, make sure you close the double doors when you enter.
- Those guys are afraid of sunlight.
- (HE LAUGHS) Oh, and, er, keep an eye on your wallet, there's been some incidences of theft down there.
Really? No.
That was also a joke.
- Oh.
- (HE CHUCKLES) I know the world has changed a great deal even since I first entered the school.
We didn't have hand sanitisers or blogs.
We had powdered soap and diaries! Caleb, maybe one day you'll invent the next way to clean your hands, with, perhaps, a vapour, or even a microchip! Wouldn't that be something! I think that Oh, my God, she's lost her mind! Now, would you please give a warm Kingscote Primary welcome to your new headmaster, my esteemed successor, Mr Maxwell! (APPLAUSE) Thank you, Mrs Hammond, and thank you to the choir for that touching rendition of "Umbrella".
When the sun shines, we do all shine together.
(ALL CHATTER) Shush! - What do you think? - I think we can break him.
Did you see he was wearing a braided leather belt? - Yeah.
(SHE LAUGHS) - Tells you all you need to know.
I see we have another case of the giggles.
Mr Maxwell, this is Ms Norris and Ms Niles.
They're always - Hello.
- laughing at something or other.
(CHUCKLES WRYLY) I gave up trying to find out what a long time ago.
And as it's my last week, I don't mind saying I've always found it extremely annoying.
Oh, well, I'm a terminally unfunny man, so I'm always grateful to have someone lighten the mood.
(SHARON CHUCKLES) - Shall we go to my office? - Let's! (SHARON CHUCKLES) They're off to do the head-teacher handover ritual now.
- What's that? - She squirts the milk of knowledge out of her tits, and then he rubs it all over his face and chest.
(THEY LAUGH HEARTILY) Now, when I look at a map of Europe, I think of Napoleon, and all he was able to achieve.
I can't help but wonder, why aren't we making more inroads into certain territories? Now, I know you guys can get people from the Baltics, for example, to start gobbling up more duloxetine! Anybody ever been there? Well, the chicks are high - but otherwise it fucking sucks.
- (LAUGHTER) You've got people committing suicide for lunch up there.
We should be moving truckloads of the stuff.
Truckloads! Just to follow up on the Baltic idea, - this is something Rob and I have - Ah, Harita, I've gotta bounce.
So, yeah.
You take over.
- (HE WHISPERS) - (ROB LAUGHS) - So - (ROB AND JAMES CHATTER AND LAUGH) Can I give you my BMW? Sure.
Can I sell it? Fucking drive it off a cliff.
I don't care.
Then, yeah.
Why are you getting rid of your car? Well, I just need to start downsizing in case we wind up pulling the trigger on New Zealand.
What are Catherine's thoughts on all this? Uh, mixed bag.
- I think she'll come around, though.
- (PHONE BEEPS) Oh, I gotta go.
I just got a DM from Eric Trump.
- Ugh! - (KNOCKING) - Oh, hey, James.
What can I do for you? - Rob, my wife flies in tomorrow for some reason.
Would you and your wife or husband - I don't wanna make assumptions.
- I I have a female wife.
Would you like to bring your female wife to dinner with us? There's one of those hoof-to-snout restaurants in Knightsbridge.
- Do you eat that stuff? - Oh, sure.
I'll eat a face.
(BOTH LAUGH) What are you two conspiring about? Oh, dinner tomorrow night.
- My wife's in town.
(TSKS AND SNIFFS) - Oh! Well, let me know the details of where and when, and I'll see if my boyfriend can come along too.
(SMACKS LIPS) I'm gonna bet you 500 bucks that her boyfriend has pierced nipples.
- How will we find out? - Leave that to me.
Hey good news about syphilis in the Netherlands.
I know! I'm psyched! - How's it going, there? - Yeah! Good.
Good.
And what is this? Uh, well, that's just some shit um stuff that I - bring in to show them I was a person once.
(CHUCKLES) - Oh.
That's me in a school, uh, disco thing.
Grade-one guitar certificate.
That's me and Nick Rhodes, from Duran Duran.
- Girls on film Oh! - Oh! First album I ever bought.
Yeah, I remember the first teacher of mine I thought of as a human being.
I saw her crying on the top deck of a bus on her way home one day, and for the first time I saw her not as a teacher but as a woman, with feelings.
Oh, well, that's But then we found out that she'd been having an affair with a 17-year-old boy in sixth form.
Can you call it an affair? Is it "relationship"? I mean, couldn't she have waited one more year? Yeah! Yeah, or she could've looked into dating a man from her own generation.
Yes.
I feel the same way.
(HE CHUCKLES) - Right! I'll leave you to your work.
- Okay.
What the fuck is that? - What'd it smell like? - I didn't stick my nose in it.
Well, I mean I doubt it's anything.
It it would've had to penetrate trousers and then cotton underwear, unless he wears silk ones, in which case he's a real pervert.
- Oh, okay.
So I imagined it.
- No, but you know, if you didn't, then, he made a multiple fabric blast-through, which is unlikely, unless he's Superman Look! A man a man in a powerful position left a moisture patch on my desk.
I don't feel comfortable with that.
Okay.
Uh, what are you gonna do about it? I dunno.
Be angry.
Nothing.
I think those are both great choices.
Oh, uh, we've been invited to a dinner with the big Braeband boss and his wife.
We've been invited? - Me too? - Yes.
Oh, God.
Really? Oh when? I hate work dinners.
You've never been to one! I've literally never once asked you to come to a work dinner.
- What will they want from me? - I don't know! Your - wife-like presence? - Yeah, but should I be chatty, like Michelle Obama, or should I be more like Jackie Kennedy, you know, like, don't say much, but when I do say something, really make it count, like slag off the Queen? I think I'm gonna say you can't make it.
Oh! (KNOCK AT DOOR) I wrote you a text saying I missed you, and then I saw the three dots, then nothing.
What were you gonna say? Don't three-dots me.
Well, I was texting you back "I miss you too", and then I realised I didn't, so I stopped.
Come on, Fran, we were having fun.
Yes, but that's all we were having.
What's wrong with that? I dunno.
I was looking at Chris and his girlfriend the other night.
They were smiling and they were laughing, and I realised that you don't make me laugh.
You make me grunt sometimes, and you made me miaow that one time.
But I'm sorry.
I don't want the Poundland version of what they have.
Not what I expected to hear, but it's your prerogative.
Other women your age would be happy to have a man make them come their tits off on a Wednesday night instead of watching Countryfile, but such la vie.
Enjoy being alone.
And, uh, I didn't make you miaow.
I made you oink, like a pig.
(SHE SIGHS) - (SHE KNOCKS AT DOOR) - It's just the attendance files for Year 5.
Ah, thank you! That's tonight's entertainment sorted.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
That's a lovely blouse.
Oh! Thanks.
Yeah, Not everyone could get away with a blouse like that.
Kate Winslet, maybe.
- Laura Linney.
- Right.
Thank you.
Um, can I talk to you for a minute? Of course.
Grab a pew.
(SHE CHUCKLES AND INHALES) Um this is a bit uncomfortable, but I'm I'm just gonna say it.
Uh, it-it's good to say what you think, right, instead of, yeah, bottling it up I used to do that, but then, um, I developed alopecia.
I mean, it all grew back, apart from one of my arm - Anyway, it doesn't matter.
- Okay.
Well, now I'm intrigued.
(SHE LAUGHS) Mm-hm.
So, when you were in my classroom the other day, I dunno if you remember, you sat on my desk.
And, uh, when you got up, there was this substance When you got up from my desk, you left a wet patch behind, and, uh I mean, I'm not implying anything, but I'm just did you notice it, or Well, I'm glad you asked, because I was wondering what was on my trousers - when I came back from your classroom.
- Oh! - Really? - Yes! Oh! So, you you don't (INHALES) Um Okay.
Well, um I think I mean, that's I'd better, erm There's a big tray of of Rice Krispie cakes in in the staffroom for Tess Smith's birthday, if you you know, if you wanted if that's your jam.
Jamsters! Well, I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, you know, you have to be in my job, and something about him just says to me, "I made the stain.
" And of course, I-I can handle it, you know, but what if I let it lie and he I dunno, you know, kidnaps a student? I mean, if you see something, say something, right? What d'you think? What do I think about what? It doesn't matter.
What what do you think? - I think that's Reese Witherspoon.
- What? At the table by the stairs.
Is that Reese Witherspoon? (TSKS) No.
(CHUCKLES) I think it is.
Excuse me.
You know, Rob, I can see that you have a vision of how to run Braeband.
(SMACKS LIPS) But you need room to do it.
Am I right? Well, uh, yeah.
I mean, I, uh And I have a vision of you unshackled and free to excel.
Is that crazy? I've heard crazier things.
(SMACKS LIPS) But you catch my drift, right? James, I wonder if you heard, we got the results from the azithromycin trials through - quite interesting.
- Well, you know what's more interesting? They have two different types of chocolate mousse here.
Well, one's more of a cake, but I'm gonna get 'em both.
What do you say, guys, shall we get a few for the table? Huh, Mr Harita?! (JAMES AND ROB LAUGH) (THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH) Jeffrey?! (HE SHOUTS) Jeffrey?! Jeffrey? (SIGHS AND CHUCKLES QUIETLY) - (PHONE RINGS) - Hey.
Um, Jeffrey's asleep.
Listen, are you around tomorrow? I think he's ready to come home.
Ah Oh, is the coast clear? - Sorry? Oh, yeah, no, she's gone.
- Harita.
Well, I guess she had to get her Tinder date back to the orphanage before midnight.
(THEY LAUGHS) - Sharon, great to meet you.
Ah! - Mm-hm.
Home slice, I'm gonna see you - at the office.
All right.
- All righty.
(JAMES'S WIFE LAUGHS) What? - What was all that about? - All what? You were like a human laugh track for every mean thing he said about Harita.
Uh look, he's my boss.
I mean, actually he's my boss's boss.
- And it was a joke, and it was funny! - It wasn't funny.
It's bullying.
Look, you don't have to worry about Harita.
- She could eat the two of us for breakfast.
- No, fuck that! Seriously, I'm fed up with this shit.
I'm fed up with men just rubbing their old balls on our desks, and you know, ordering chocolate mousse for everyone.
You know, you didn't even try the second one, and it was delicious.
Oh, who cares?! Honestly, I've seen you be shitty before, but I've never seen you be so small.
Jesus.
It doesn't suit you.
What are you doing? - Well, I thought you were - I just felt like slamming the door! Get in! - Hey! - Hi.
Where's Daphne? Oh, she's with my mum.
Come here.
Sit down.
Do you want some peach smoothie? - I made extra.
- Sure.
(HE CHUCKLES) Oh, wow! (HE CHUCKLES) Did-did you get these peaches from our tree? We don't have a peach tree.
- We - So, listen.
Um if you find yourself getting upset over the next few minutes, just take a deep breath, okay? - W why would I - We're leaving.
Is this because of New Zealand? No.
New Zealand is a symptom.
You're the problem.
You're not God.
You can't make us safer.
We could still get meningitis or hit by a car in New Zealand! You (SIGHS) you need to sort yourself out, Dave.
Okay.
I-I-I'm gonna I'm gonna take a breath now.
(HE BREATHES DEEPLY) (SCOFFS) I am doing this for us.
Okay? For our futures.
- I am trying to be a good father.
- That's not how you parent.
You parent by reading Daphne a book about fucking ducklings, not by stocking a bunker with two tons of rice.
Yeah, well, maybe I love differently than you do.
(SIGHING) Okay, Dave.
(HE SIGHS DEEPLY) (TSKS) Can just you go, and let Daphne stay? - I didn't mean that.
- I-I'm sorry.
Catherine?! (SIGHS SHARPLY) Fuck! (HE GRUNTS) Arrgh! Ah! (SIGHING) Oh, God I've explained to Mrs Tucker what you came in to talk about the other day, and I've also informed her about the report back from maintenance regarding the leakage from the ceiling, which thankfully, explains the moisture patch on your desk, and indeed my trousers.
- Yeah.
- So I just wanted to check that everything made sense to you, and that you felt we had closure.
Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT) I yeah.
I feel, um I'm sorry about (SHE CHUCKLES) But, um Yeah.
(SHE CHUCKLES) Uh, well No.
(SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Um, I mean that's fine about, you know, the patch, the the moisture patch.
That's all I mean, that's that's clear but I-I just think there was a shortcut to avoiding all of this, and that's don't sit on my desk, (SHE CHUCKLES) because, uh, I mean, I'm not crazy.
If you hadn't of sat on my desk, and I saw the moisture patch, I I never would've thought it had anything to do with you, because, um Well, my desk is a desk, you know? It's not a chair.
So, uh, all good now.
Oh! And, um don't feel like you need to tell me my blouse is nice, because I mean, thank you, but I know it's nice, you know? I got it at Whistles.
And the whole, you know, "Not many people could pull that off" thing comment, it just made me feel a little bit That's all.
But, uh, I'm glad you summoned me.
So, yeah! I think now we do have closure on the matter.
- - Yeah.
- - (DOOR CLOSES FIRMLY) I make my own career decisions, okay? I just want you to be my mum, not my manager.
Of course! (SHE EXHALES) Thank you.
Uh, shall I take that? Well, I, um dunno.
That's my bag.
You can say no, um, and I was thinking that maybe maybe me and Jeffrey come as a package.
- And I know you're still with Douglas - I broke up with Douglas.
Me, too.
Uh, I mean with Tanya.
We might not have been Romeo and Juliet, Fran, but at least we were Bull Durham and you know, whoever Susan Sarandon played.
(HE SIGHS) When I saw you at the party, you looked so beautiful.
Then, when I made you laugh, it made me wanna be your husband again so fucking badly that I had no choice but to beat the shit out of my dick when I got home.
I thought I'd have to go to hospital.
I practically yanked it off.
And how is it now? Is it better? Oh, it's still very messed up.
Mm? (TSKS) Well, you better come in, then.
(SMACKS LIPS) Rob, we'd like to offer you SVP of European sales.
We think you've got the goods.
And you know what? You're not a foot soldier.
You're a general.
Or a colonel! I'm the general.
(ROB LAUGHS) Oh, wow! Well I dunno what to say, other than, number one, thank you.
Uh, but, then, one-A, that's Harita's job.
Mm.
Well, as far as I can see, there's nothing she can do that you can't do.
And besides, I like you.
I like you, too.
Um, but where does that leave Harita? She's out.
She's gone.
Does she know she's gone? Not yet.
(CHILDREN CHATTER AND LAUGH) (MOUTHS) - Is that Johnny Squirty-Pants? - Don't look at him.
Just keep walking.
(EXHALES DEEPLY) I think this is gonna be my last year at Kingscote.
I'll find another school.
I might go to bed for six months, maybe, you know, do a bit of embroidery.
Is that okay? I'm really tired.
Well, before you climb under the duvet, I have some news.
James offered me a promotion today.
- Really? - Yeah.
Harita's job.
Oh, my God! Fucking hell! Those bastards! What did you say to him? Well, I told him I'd have to think about it, but then on the way over here I was thinking about what you said the other night, about Harita, and men sitting on women's desks, and I thought "I don't wanna be that person.
" So I called him back and I told him I wasn't gonna do Harita like that, and I turned it down.
Right! Right.
Well, I'm proud of you.
(SHE CHUCKLES) That's great.
You should be proud of you, too.
You know, you let them know they wronged Harita, and and you have a problem with that.
That's great.
You said your piece.
- I guess I did.
- And tomorrow you know, maybe tonight if you can get them on the phone, you you tell them you've had a think, and, you know, you're ready for this.
You're you're ready to lead the company in a bold new just, blah-blah-blah.
I mean, I'm not gonna put words in your mouth.
You'll figure it out.
What? I turned it down because of you, because of what you said.
I thought you'd be proud of me.
I am proud of you.
I just said I was proud of you.
I just don't think we can afford to be idealistic, with our mortgage and credit-card debt, and, you know, you said you wanted your you teeth whitened.
Okay Oh, don't be all Come on.
You're the best.
We'll be grand.
(BEEP) (MUSIC: CATASTROPHE THEME BY OLI JULIAN) (BOTH SIGH QUIETLY)