Citizen Khan (2012) s04e05 Episode Script
Mystic Mo
1 Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
They all know me! You like my suit? Number one, Citizen Khan.
I don't see why we have to look after him! No.
Stop it.
He won't be any trouble.
He'll need feeding, and we'll have to take him for walks in the park.
And I hope he's not making a mess in my Mercedes.
He won't be any trouble.
Will you, sweetu? No, Aunty.
There, see? Why couldn't your cousins take him with them on holiday? I hope your parents are having a nice time.
I was thinking of going away somewhere, too.
Good idea.
Oh, you mean together! Of course, together! Maybe we could go cruising.
- Cruising? - Why not? I'm not sure cruising is legal in Sparkhill any more, sweetie.
Oh, tuhadi.
Where are we? This isn't a way back to Birmingham.
What does the map say? I don't know.
This map's no good.
Why? What's wrong with it? It's from 1974.
Everything's changed since then.
No, it hasn't.
Just a few more mosques, that's all.
I'll just go and ask someone.
Ah.
Assalam-alaikum.
Excuse me.
What? I hope you're wearing two pairs of socks.
In case you get a hole-in-one.
Right.
I wonder if you can help me.
We're a bit lost.
Can you point us in the right direction? - Where're you from? - Birmingham.
No, I mean, where are you really from? Sparkhill.
Yeah, well, you need the A45.
Birmingham is that way.
That way? Are you sure? That way? Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, hole-in-one, huh? - What are you doing? - Ah, dear.
You can't drive on a golf course.
Are you mad Just enjoy the view.
Look at that.
- Perfect.
We'll be home any minute.
- Yes.
So much land here.
They could build a few apartments.
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) - Hi, Papaji.
I'm just going out.
- Where are you going? I've got my Islamic tutor today, remember? Such a good girl.
Well, you can see him later, huh? First, you're going to help me get my new business off the ground.
I've got a revolutionary idea to transform the high street.
- What is it? - A chicken shop.
A new franchise has opened up.
I'm going to be a restaurant entrepreneur.
I'll be Birmingham's very own Marco Pierre Brown.
You mean, I've got to do work? Work is fun, sweetie.
The whole family is going to chip in.
Chip in! You see? We're having fun already, aren't we? Yeah.
But let's check the staff rota, huh? Now, you'll help behind the counter, and Naani is going to be the waitress.
A waitress? What? What's the problem? She's got bunions.
She can't stand up all day.
I've already thought of that.
Look at this.
A remote control wheelchair, you see? I've created the first-ever robo-waitress.
Thank you.
Now, squash for Faraz.
Oh, not that way.
Obviously, it's a prototype.
There's bound to be a few teething troubles, huh? - Stop! - It's okay.
Uncle! Ah, not the TV.
Oh my! It's okay, beti.
I'll fix it later.
You need to get ready.
Go and get changed into something more practical.
Something more what? You know, some rough old work clothes, like your mother wears.
Eh, no, thanks.
Has anyone seen my bag? Are you going out somewhere? I've got tango class today.
That dress is very bright and very red.
Maybe try to avoid the bull ring.
Hello, sir.
Hello, Mrs Khan.
Wow, Mom! You look fantastic.
Oh, thanks, beti.
Aren't you worried she'll run off with her dashing tango partner? Mrs Siddiqui? Why does she have to dance with Mrs Siddiqui? She can't dance with other men.
- Because you get jealous? - Because she's too short.
Look, Shazia, it's women-only tango.
I'm not letting some argy-bargy, greasy gaucho get his filthy hands on her.
You know, you can't have a healthy relationship if you're jealous, Dad.
Me and Amjad trust each other implicitly.
Don't we, buddhu? Implicitly means a lot.
Right.
Yes, we do.
Of course, yes.
All right.
It's enough of that.
Why don't you surprise her by doing something romantic? Me and Amjad surprise each other all the time.
Take her to that French restaurant in town.
French restaurant? No, thank you.
We've got plenty of French food at home.
- Have you? - Yes, of course.
Or as we Muslims like to call it, "Ã la carte.
" You know, I was thinking.
Maybe, instead of going on a cruise, we could cash in some of our pension money and go on a trip to Argentina.
It's the home of the tango.
Sweetie, we don't need to go to Argentina for Tango.
They've got loads of it down at cash and carry.
But you should try it.
You might like it and then that would be something we could do together.
We already got something we do together, huh? I mean, something exciting.
Come to one of our special showcases.
You might like it.
Okay, fine.
I'll come to the next one.
Really? You promise? - Haan.
- Fantastic.
- It's today.
- What? At the community centre.
I'll see you there later.
I'm so excited! Thank you.
Anything for you, my darling.
Oh, tuhadi! Well done, Dad.
You and Mum will have a great time.
Yes, yes.
But, first, I've got a little business to attend to.
Remember to spray the air freshener.
I always get told off for that.
Not that kind of business, Amjad! I'm going to be running a chicken shop.
Great.
What will you be selling? Are you sure about this, Dad? I mean, have you thought about Mum at all? Not yet.
I want it to be a surprise.
It'll be surprise, all right.
I'm going to work.
See you later, buddhu.
See you later, laddoo.
Right.
Go on.
Let's get going.
I've got to meet some guy called Mr Williams.
He is the boss of the chicken shop.
The big cock-a-doodle-doo.
Where are you getting the money for the franchise, sir? - Have you got a lot of investors? - Yes, two.
Me and Mrs Khan.
I've used our pension fund.
I'd like to welcome you to the Khan family business.
Now, remember, if I can make this work, I'll be hanging out with Sir Richard Branstons, nibbling his cheese and sipping on his sharab.
And what if we can't make it work? Then Mrs Khan's going to be doing the pasodoble on my cha-cha-chas.
All right.
Let's get to work, huh? Now, Alia, you're behind the counter.
Naani, you're waiting on the tables.
And Amjad, you're head of marketing and communications.
Wow! What does that mean? It means you have to go and pick up the t-shirts and flyers from the printers next door.
Okay.
Right.
Where is this Mr Williams chappie? - Hi, there.
- Assalam-alaikum.
Welcome to Chick 'N' Chips.
- You work here, do you? - Yes.
Excellent.
Another member of Team Khan.
No, you don't understand.
Oh, why don't you just run along and fetch me a cup of tea.
I don't think Mr Williams is going to be here in a minute, and you don't want him to catch you slacking, do you? What? Mr Williams, the big cheese, the top man.
You'll need to look lively.
- It's me.
- I know it's you, sweetheart.
But I'm here to see the boss, Mr Williams, and don't forget the tea.
I'm Mr Williams.
- What? - I'm Mr Williams.
I mean, Ms Williams.
Sandra Williams.
- But you're a - Woman? That's it.
I'm Mr Khan, community leader, and all-round woman lover.
What? I mean, I'm a big fan of working girls.
Women's business.
Businesswomen! Right.
Where shall we start? Oh, why don't you show us your equipment? The, the fryers.
Right.
Well, this is the main work area over here.
I'm sure you'll be familiar with most of it already if you have experience working in the fast food industry? Oh, of course.
I spent six months working in a branch of KFC.
- Oh, which one? - The one in Pakistan.
Karachi Fried Chicken.
- So, you know how to fry? - Oh, yes.
We Muslims have got a special religious day for it.
Oh, what's that called? Fry-day prayers.
Well, these are the fryers.
Now, it's very important you always keep this full of oil.
- Do you know why? - For good luck? No.
Otherwise, it will explode.
Hmm.
You keep the fryers full up via this control system.
- Everything is operated from this panel.
- Hmm.
The fryers, - the cellar hatch, the lights.
- Mmm.
Do you think you'll be able to manage that? Of course.
I'm very techno-savvy.
I've even got a robo-waitress.
Watch this.
Oh, tuhadi! Oh.
Oh, God.
Switch it off! Switch it off! Where are you? Ah, there you are.
They must be connected, huh? Mr Khan, I think we have to reassess your application.
But wait.
I've got lots of brilliant ideas to get business booming.
Like what? Well, uh, I've got a very clever name for the place.
What are you gonna call it? Mr Khan's Chicken Shop.
Can I hear any others? That's it so far.
Who's this? That's just our communications director.
- Hello, sir.
I got the t-shirts.
- Good.
Hi.
I'm Sandra Williams, but, uh, you can call me Sandy.
Hello, Mrs Sandy.
My name's Amjad.
But you can call me Amjad.
Have they got you carrying these big, heavy boxes round all by yourself? They're not too heavy.
There's a stockroom around the back.
I can show you if you like.
Maybe you can show him the stockroom later, huh? Yes, maybe later.
On reflection, Mr Khan, I've decided to give you another chance.
Thank you.
You won't regret it.
Obviously, this will be a trial run today.
You have until 5 p.
m.
To get in some customers.
Don't worry.
I'll fill it, chicken fillet.
I see.
Now, you heard the lady.
Mr Khan's Chicken Shop is open for business.
Hey, Naani, are you ready for Meals On Wheels? Idiot.
Just checking on potatoes.
Yep.
They're all fine.
I need to do my homework, Uncle.
Chup.
Did you not hear what that woman said? We need to keep this place busy.
By selling one-legged chickens? Oh, tuhadi! Don't worry, Uncle.
You've still got Amjad.
Sir, I don't feel right.
Maybe he's got bird flu.
What? Or chicken pox.
I've already had them.
It's Mrs Sandy, sir.
She just accosted me in the back room.
Chillax, Amjad.
She's just being friendly.
This how business works, isn't it? All the schmoozing and the floozing.
I only wanna schmooze with Shazia.
- See you later, gentlemen.
- Right-o.
Save a piece for me, my little chicken.
Oh, no.
- Assalam-alaikum, Mr Khan.
- Walaikum-salaam, Riaz.
- What's going on? - Have a guess.
- You're buying some chicken.
- Aye, the whole shop.
Wow, you fatty.
No! This is the start of my business empire.
What about you? Just passing through? He's part of my crack promotions and marketing team.
Where's the rest of them? Why are you selling one-legged chickens? Just try and find me some customers, huh? Okay.
But it will cost you.
- How much? - A bucket of hot wings.
- Deal.
Just get some chicken lovers.
- Okay.
Chicken.
Fried chicken.
Yum! Yum! Chicken.
Fried chicken.
Yum! Huh.
Look at that, huh? A shop full of hungry, young lads.
I told you it would work.
- Mrs Sandy will be pleased.
- Yes, she will.
Now, go and open up another till.
Speed up the service, huh? Oh, I tried that.
They weren't interested.
They'll get their chicken quicker.
- They're not after chicken.
- What are they after? - Alia's number.
- What? Oh, tuhadi! Get out of here you dirty, filthy rascals, and you! Get out! Get out of here.
Papaji, I was just telling them what's on offer! Go on.
You're working in the back room now.
Go on, jaldi.
Go and get some oil for the fryers.
- But why? - Health and safety.
My health and your safety.
Oh! Ah, Riaz.
Just in time.
Good news.
I've got you some customers.
Brilliant.
You see, Amjad? - Who have we got coming? - The Mosque Committee.
- What? - Lucky they were passing by.
Everyone else I asked just told me to shove off.
Right.
So where are they? They'll be here any minute.
They're coming back from a protest.
Another protest? That's the problem with our lot.
Always marching and moaning about something or other.
What trumped-up travesty a thousand blooming miles away are they whining about now? Closure of the wildlife sanctuary in Kings Heath.
It's a bird sanctuary.
Well, at least they'll be in the mood for chicken.
You remember our deal? - My free food.
- Oh, yes.
I'll have 25 free hot wings.
That's free.
No charge, on the house.
I'll tell you what.
You can have 24 free, and the last one's £5.
99.
Fair enough.
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
Oh, hello, sweetie.
You haven't forgotten, have you? You will be here? Of course I haven't forgotten.
Have I ever let you down? Apart from then.
And then.
Look, sweetie, that was a long time ago, and I had no idea the sidecar wasn't attached.
Yes, of course, I'm coming.
You know how I love Fanta Tango.
Okay, good.
I'm so excited! See you later.
Don't be late.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Yes? - Hi.
I'm looking for Alia.
She's not here.
Can I help you? Oh, it's okay.
Honestly, I need Alia.
- Oh, you do.
Do you? - Yeah.
And what exactly do you need her for? Oh, I'm here to give her a bit of one-to-one.
One-to-what? She's very keen.
Let me tell you.
The best I've ever had.
How dare you! - Here.
- What are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry.
Perhaps you'd prefer some ketchup? - What are you doing to the tutor? - What? This is brother Majid from the mosque.
He's a scholar and an expert on Islamic culture.
- You're Alia's tutor? - Yes.
Oh, tuhadi! What happened to your trousers? I squirted mayonnaise on them.
- And ketchup.
- What a waste.
I don't think you're supposed to squirt any kind of sauce on Islamic scholars.
The Mosque Committee won't be happy.
- What's it got to do with them? - They're by the door.
What? Wait! They can't see him like this.
Assalam-alaikum.
Riaz will be out here any minute with some free chicken for you, huh? - Ooh, free chicken.
- Uh-huh.
I thought you'd like that.
- What's that? - Oh, that was just a call to prayer.
Allahu Akbar! Now, come on, get down to the mosque.
You don't want to miss the front row.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
- Papaji? - Hmm? Have you seen my tutor? No, definitely not.
And you're supposed to be getting oil for the fryers.
They're fine.
He should be here by now.
We had an appointment.
Maybe he's fallen through.
It's nearly 5:00.
Sir, Mrs Sandy will be here soon.
Oh, tuhadi.
How much have we taken? Including the £2.
50 you made me put in for my lunch? Uh-huh.
£2.
50.
I don't understand.
Why haven't we had more customers? We have the t-shirts and the flyers.
The group of Muslims protesting outside.
What? Oh, tuhadi! I don't think Sandra's going to be very impressed, Papaji.
What's going on outside? Looks like some kind of protest.
It's the Mosque Committee.
Mr Khan arranged it.
That's not entirely I thought you were gonna get this place full of customers.
- Yes, but - How much money have you taken? - Two-fifty.
- £250.
Is that all? Not exactly.
He means £2.
50.
What? That's pathetic.
You haven't even covered the cost of your staff.
Ah, I thought of that.
I'm not paying them.
Eh? Well, you can forget the franchise.
I knew this was a bad idea.
No, wait.
I'm going to check my stockroom.
Make sure you haven't cleaned me out.
And when I get back, I want you out of here.
Oh, God.
We're in trouble.
What are we going to do, sir? We have to prove to Mrs Sandy that we're serious business contenders.
We have to show her that we can turn this place around.
Right.
- Not the jingle, Amjad.
- Oh, what then? I don't know.
I'm gonna have to go in the back room and schmooze her.
That's how business works.
Ah, Uncle, I don't think she likes you.
You're right.
We'll need someone else.
Who? Oh, no.
Amjad, she likes you.
- Why? - It beats me.
But I've got our pension riding on it.
Now, come on.
Don't be chicken.
Get in there and show her that we're Team Khan and not Team Khan't! I'll do it.
Yes? Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Was there something you wanted? Um, Mr Khan said That is, I was wondering if you needed any help? What sort of help? Um, I could rearrange your condiments.
Well, I like the sound of that.
Do you? Perhaps you could check out my assets as well.
Okay.
I might even let you massage my figures! Oh! Or I could do a full inventory of your perishables and free up some shelf space.
Right.
I'm not sure that one really works.
But never mind.
Right.
You lot finish cleaning up.
I'm off to see Mrs Khan do the last tango in Sparkhill.
Alia's not helping, Uncle.
I'm in charge of the fryers.
Papaji said.
That's right, Faraz.
We've all got our jobs to do.
Just be grateful you haven't got Amjad's.
- Shazia! - Hi.
Shouldn't you be at Mum's show? - I was just going.
- Where's Amjad? He had to go out to buy some ketchup.
- You've got loads of ketchup.
- Oh, yes.
Silly Amjad.
Now, you run along.
What was that? - What? - That noise.
I didn't hear anything.
There it was again.
Oh, that's just the fridges, or the air conditioning - Shazia! - Or Amjad.
Where is he? He's in that stock cupboard with another woman.
What? Laddoo! Do you mind? We're in the middle of a stock take.
Oh, my God! - I can't believe this! - Laddoo, wait! - It's not what it looks like.
- Really? 'Cause it looks like you were canoodling with some floozy in a stockroom whilst wearing a chicken suit.
Okay, it is what it looks like.
Oh, my God! Who is this exactly? This is other daughter, Shazia.
Alia's sister.
- And Amjad's wife.
- What? Get out! - His wife? - That's right.
At least I was.
- Oh, no, laddoo, please! - Get your wings off me! Look, Shazia, Amjad was just schmoozing with the lady - purely for professional reasons.
- What? I definitely thought there was something between us.
No, that was my pickled gherkins.
Did you put him up to this? Maybe.
Laddoo, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Oh, for goodness sake, Amjad.
Be a man.
You can't live your whole life worrying about what your wife thinks.
Sweetie! Everything okay? Where were you? You promised me you'd come.
You promised! Yes, but I can explain.
Don't bother.
I've heard it all before.
Trust me.
You've not heard this one before.
Go on, then.
I was trying to win a franchise for a chicken shop.
- He made me wait on tables.
- What? And he used Amjad as some kind of kinky chicken escort service.
Unbelievable! - Please, my darling.
- Don't say another word.
We're all going to leave here now.
Come on.
We're all going home.
I'm not.
I'm going to wait for my tutor outside.
- Why? - 'Cause he's fit.
So, what do you think? Do I still get the franchise? Out! Out of my shop! Oh, come on.
I can explain.
You set me up with your son-in-law! - That was an accident.
- To set me up? No, that he married my daughter.
And you organised a protest in front of the shop! It's okay.
They're not protesting.
Mmm.
We like it.
Free halal chicken.
Oh, no, it's not halal.
What? Now, they're protesting.
So, is there anything else you'd like to confess? He fell down the cellar of his own accord! What have you done, Papaji? Look, Sandra, I'm sorry about all this.
How about a second chance? Okay.
Maybe not.
Here we are.
So, Shazia and Amjad have made up.
Everything's okay.
Forgive and forget.
That's the important thing, hai na? - Sweetie, where are you going? - I'm going to my sister's.
What? I thought we could spend some time together.
If you wanted to spend time with me, you wouldn't have spent our time-together money on some stupid chicken shop.
You are right.
I just wanted to turn back the clock.
But it was a stupid idea.
What do you mean, "Turn back the clock"? Remember when we first got married? And we lived in that flat, and we worked in a chip shop downstairs.
Burt & Tina's.
Yes.
So? We worked so hard, didn't we? I worked hard.
You spent your entire time watching cricket.
That's not true, sweetie.
We didn't have a telly then.
I used to listen to it on the radio.
I just wanted to go back to the time before children, before community leader, before everything.
Just me and you together.
Mmm.
We were so happy.
Well I was.
So was I.
I'm sorry we couldn't go to Argentina to do the fandango.
But we could still have a dance.
You know, like we used to, after closing time.
Mmm.
Remember this? Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)
They all know me! You like my suit? Number one, Citizen Khan.
I don't see why we have to look after him! No.
Stop it.
He won't be any trouble.
He'll need feeding, and we'll have to take him for walks in the park.
And I hope he's not making a mess in my Mercedes.
He won't be any trouble.
Will you, sweetu? No, Aunty.
There, see? Why couldn't your cousins take him with them on holiday? I hope your parents are having a nice time.
I was thinking of going away somewhere, too.
Good idea.
Oh, you mean together! Of course, together! Maybe we could go cruising.
- Cruising? - Why not? I'm not sure cruising is legal in Sparkhill any more, sweetie.
Oh, tuhadi.
Where are we? This isn't a way back to Birmingham.
What does the map say? I don't know.
This map's no good.
Why? What's wrong with it? It's from 1974.
Everything's changed since then.
No, it hasn't.
Just a few more mosques, that's all.
I'll just go and ask someone.
Ah.
Assalam-alaikum.
Excuse me.
What? I hope you're wearing two pairs of socks.
In case you get a hole-in-one.
Right.
I wonder if you can help me.
We're a bit lost.
Can you point us in the right direction? - Where're you from? - Birmingham.
No, I mean, where are you really from? Sparkhill.
Yeah, well, you need the A45.
Birmingham is that way.
That way? Are you sure? That way? Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, hole-in-one, huh? - What are you doing? - Ah, dear.
You can't drive on a golf course.
Are you mad Just enjoy the view.
Look at that.
- Perfect.
We'll be home any minute.
- Yes.
So much land here.
They could build a few apartments.
Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-) - Hi, Papaji.
I'm just going out.
- Where are you going? I've got my Islamic tutor today, remember? Such a good girl.
Well, you can see him later, huh? First, you're going to help me get my new business off the ground.
I've got a revolutionary idea to transform the high street.
- What is it? - A chicken shop.
A new franchise has opened up.
I'm going to be a restaurant entrepreneur.
I'll be Birmingham's very own Marco Pierre Brown.
You mean, I've got to do work? Work is fun, sweetie.
The whole family is going to chip in.
Chip in! You see? We're having fun already, aren't we? Yeah.
But let's check the staff rota, huh? Now, you'll help behind the counter, and Naani is going to be the waitress.
A waitress? What? What's the problem? She's got bunions.
She can't stand up all day.
I've already thought of that.
Look at this.
A remote control wheelchair, you see? I've created the first-ever robo-waitress.
Thank you.
Now, squash for Faraz.
Oh, not that way.
Obviously, it's a prototype.
There's bound to be a few teething troubles, huh? - Stop! - It's okay.
Uncle! Ah, not the TV.
Oh my! It's okay, beti.
I'll fix it later.
You need to get ready.
Go and get changed into something more practical.
Something more what? You know, some rough old work clothes, like your mother wears.
Eh, no, thanks.
Has anyone seen my bag? Are you going out somewhere? I've got tango class today.
That dress is very bright and very red.
Maybe try to avoid the bull ring.
Hello, sir.
Hello, Mrs Khan.
Wow, Mom! You look fantastic.
Oh, thanks, beti.
Aren't you worried she'll run off with her dashing tango partner? Mrs Siddiqui? Why does she have to dance with Mrs Siddiqui? She can't dance with other men.
- Because you get jealous? - Because she's too short.
Look, Shazia, it's women-only tango.
I'm not letting some argy-bargy, greasy gaucho get his filthy hands on her.
You know, you can't have a healthy relationship if you're jealous, Dad.
Me and Amjad trust each other implicitly.
Don't we, buddhu? Implicitly means a lot.
Right.
Yes, we do.
Of course, yes.
All right.
It's enough of that.
Why don't you surprise her by doing something romantic? Me and Amjad surprise each other all the time.
Take her to that French restaurant in town.
French restaurant? No, thank you.
We've got plenty of French food at home.
- Have you? - Yes, of course.
Or as we Muslims like to call it, "Ã la carte.
" You know, I was thinking.
Maybe, instead of going on a cruise, we could cash in some of our pension money and go on a trip to Argentina.
It's the home of the tango.
Sweetie, we don't need to go to Argentina for Tango.
They've got loads of it down at cash and carry.
But you should try it.
You might like it and then that would be something we could do together.
We already got something we do together, huh? I mean, something exciting.
Come to one of our special showcases.
You might like it.
Okay, fine.
I'll come to the next one.
Really? You promise? - Haan.
- Fantastic.
- It's today.
- What? At the community centre.
I'll see you there later.
I'm so excited! Thank you.
Anything for you, my darling.
Oh, tuhadi! Well done, Dad.
You and Mum will have a great time.
Yes, yes.
But, first, I've got a little business to attend to.
Remember to spray the air freshener.
I always get told off for that.
Not that kind of business, Amjad! I'm going to be running a chicken shop.
Great.
What will you be selling? Are you sure about this, Dad? I mean, have you thought about Mum at all? Not yet.
I want it to be a surprise.
It'll be surprise, all right.
I'm going to work.
See you later, buddhu.
See you later, laddoo.
Right.
Go on.
Let's get going.
I've got to meet some guy called Mr Williams.
He is the boss of the chicken shop.
The big cock-a-doodle-doo.
Where are you getting the money for the franchise, sir? - Have you got a lot of investors? - Yes, two.
Me and Mrs Khan.
I've used our pension fund.
I'd like to welcome you to the Khan family business.
Now, remember, if I can make this work, I'll be hanging out with Sir Richard Branstons, nibbling his cheese and sipping on his sharab.
And what if we can't make it work? Then Mrs Khan's going to be doing the pasodoble on my cha-cha-chas.
All right.
Let's get to work, huh? Now, Alia, you're behind the counter.
Naani, you're waiting on the tables.
And Amjad, you're head of marketing and communications.
Wow! What does that mean? It means you have to go and pick up the t-shirts and flyers from the printers next door.
Okay.
Right.
Where is this Mr Williams chappie? - Hi, there.
- Assalam-alaikum.
Welcome to Chick 'N' Chips.
- You work here, do you? - Yes.
Excellent.
Another member of Team Khan.
No, you don't understand.
Oh, why don't you just run along and fetch me a cup of tea.
I don't think Mr Williams is going to be here in a minute, and you don't want him to catch you slacking, do you? What? Mr Williams, the big cheese, the top man.
You'll need to look lively.
- It's me.
- I know it's you, sweetheart.
But I'm here to see the boss, Mr Williams, and don't forget the tea.
I'm Mr Williams.
- What? - I'm Mr Williams.
I mean, Ms Williams.
Sandra Williams.
- But you're a - Woman? That's it.
I'm Mr Khan, community leader, and all-round woman lover.
What? I mean, I'm a big fan of working girls.
Women's business.
Businesswomen! Right.
Where shall we start? Oh, why don't you show us your equipment? The, the fryers.
Right.
Well, this is the main work area over here.
I'm sure you'll be familiar with most of it already if you have experience working in the fast food industry? Oh, of course.
I spent six months working in a branch of KFC.
- Oh, which one? - The one in Pakistan.
Karachi Fried Chicken.
- So, you know how to fry? - Oh, yes.
We Muslims have got a special religious day for it.
Oh, what's that called? Fry-day prayers.
Well, these are the fryers.
Now, it's very important you always keep this full of oil.
- Do you know why? - For good luck? No.
Otherwise, it will explode.
Hmm.
You keep the fryers full up via this control system.
- Everything is operated from this panel.
- Hmm.
The fryers, - the cellar hatch, the lights.
- Mmm.
Do you think you'll be able to manage that? Of course.
I'm very techno-savvy.
I've even got a robo-waitress.
Watch this.
Oh, tuhadi! Oh.
Oh, God.
Switch it off! Switch it off! Where are you? Ah, there you are.
They must be connected, huh? Mr Khan, I think we have to reassess your application.
But wait.
I've got lots of brilliant ideas to get business booming.
Like what? Well, uh, I've got a very clever name for the place.
What are you gonna call it? Mr Khan's Chicken Shop.
Can I hear any others? That's it so far.
Who's this? That's just our communications director.
- Hello, sir.
I got the t-shirts.
- Good.
Hi.
I'm Sandra Williams, but, uh, you can call me Sandy.
Hello, Mrs Sandy.
My name's Amjad.
But you can call me Amjad.
Have they got you carrying these big, heavy boxes round all by yourself? They're not too heavy.
There's a stockroom around the back.
I can show you if you like.
Maybe you can show him the stockroom later, huh? Yes, maybe later.
On reflection, Mr Khan, I've decided to give you another chance.
Thank you.
You won't regret it.
Obviously, this will be a trial run today.
You have until 5 p.
m.
To get in some customers.
Don't worry.
I'll fill it, chicken fillet.
I see.
Now, you heard the lady.
Mr Khan's Chicken Shop is open for business.
Hey, Naani, are you ready for Meals On Wheels? Idiot.
Just checking on potatoes.
Yep.
They're all fine.
I need to do my homework, Uncle.
Chup.
Did you not hear what that woman said? We need to keep this place busy.
By selling one-legged chickens? Oh, tuhadi! Don't worry, Uncle.
You've still got Amjad.
Sir, I don't feel right.
Maybe he's got bird flu.
What? Or chicken pox.
I've already had them.
It's Mrs Sandy, sir.
She just accosted me in the back room.
Chillax, Amjad.
She's just being friendly.
This how business works, isn't it? All the schmoozing and the floozing.
I only wanna schmooze with Shazia.
- See you later, gentlemen.
- Right-o.
Save a piece for me, my little chicken.
Oh, no.
- Assalam-alaikum, Mr Khan.
- Walaikum-salaam, Riaz.
- What's going on? - Have a guess.
- You're buying some chicken.
- Aye, the whole shop.
Wow, you fatty.
No! This is the start of my business empire.
What about you? Just passing through? He's part of my crack promotions and marketing team.
Where's the rest of them? Why are you selling one-legged chickens? Just try and find me some customers, huh? Okay.
But it will cost you.
- How much? - A bucket of hot wings.
- Deal.
Just get some chicken lovers.
- Okay.
Chicken.
Fried chicken.
Yum! Yum! Chicken.
Fried chicken.
Yum! Huh.
Look at that, huh? A shop full of hungry, young lads.
I told you it would work.
- Mrs Sandy will be pleased.
- Yes, she will.
Now, go and open up another till.
Speed up the service, huh? Oh, I tried that.
They weren't interested.
They'll get their chicken quicker.
- They're not after chicken.
- What are they after? - Alia's number.
- What? Oh, tuhadi! Get out of here you dirty, filthy rascals, and you! Get out! Get out of here.
Papaji, I was just telling them what's on offer! Go on.
You're working in the back room now.
Go on, jaldi.
Go and get some oil for the fryers.
- But why? - Health and safety.
My health and your safety.
Oh! Ah, Riaz.
Just in time.
Good news.
I've got you some customers.
Brilliant.
You see, Amjad? - Who have we got coming? - The Mosque Committee.
- What? - Lucky they were passing by.
Everyone else I asked just told me to shove off.
Right.
So where are they? They'll be here any minute.
They're coming back from a protest.
Another protest? That's the problem with our lot.
Always marching and moaning about something or other.
What trumped-up travesty a thousand blooming miles away are they whining about now? Closure of the wildlife sanctuary in Kings Heath.
It's a bird sanctuary.
Well, at least they'll be in the mood for chicken.
You remember our deal? - My free food.
- Oh, yes.
I'll have 25 free hot wings.
That's free.
No charge, on the house.
I'll tell you what.
You can have 24 free, and the last one's £5.
99.
Fair enough.
Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
Oh, hello, sweetie.
You haven't forgotten, have you? You will be here? Of course I haven't forgotten.
Have I ever let you down? Apart from then.
And then.
Look, sweetie, that was a long time ago, and I had no idea the sidecar wasn't attached.
Yes, of course, I'm coming.
You know how I love Fanta Tango.
Okay, good.
I'm so excited! See you later.
Don't be late.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Yes? - Hi.
I'm looking for Alia.
She's not here.
Can I help you? Oh, it's okay.
Honestly, I need Alia.
- Oh, you do.
Do you? - Yeah.
And what exactly do you need her for? Oh, I'm here to give her a bit of one-to-one.
One-to-what? She's very keen.
Let me tell you.
The best I've ever had.
How dare you! - Here.
- What are you doing? Oh, I'm sorry.
Perhaps you'd prefer some ketchup? - What are you doing to the tutor? - What? This is brother Majid from the mosque.
He's a scholar and an expert on Islamic culture.
- You're Alia's tutor? - Yes.
Oh, tuhadi! What happened to your trousers? I squirted mayonnaise on them.
- And ketchup.
- What a waste.
I don't think you're supposed to squirt any kind of sauce on Islamic scholars.
The Mosque Committee won't be happy.
- What's it got to do with them? - They're by the door.
What? Wait! They can't see him like this.
Assalam-alaikum.
Riaz will be out here any minute with some free chicken for you, huh? - Ooh, free chicken.
- Uh-huh.
I thought you'd like that.
- What's that? - Oh, that was just a call to prayer.
Allahu Akbar! Now, come on, get down to the mosque.
You don't want to miss the front row.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
- Papaji? - Hmm? Have you seen my tutor? No, definitely not.
And you're supposed to be getting oil for the fryers.
They're fine.
He should be here by now.
We had an appointment.
Maybe he's fallen through.
It's nearly 5:00.
Sir, Mrs Sandy will be here soon.
Oh, tuhadi.
How much have we taken? Including the £2.
50 you made me put in for my lunch? Uh-huh.
£2.
50.
I don't understand.
Why haven't we had more customers? We have the t-shirts and the flyers.
The group of Muslims protesting outside.
What? Oh, tuhadi! I don't think Sandra's going to be very impressed, Papaji.
What's going on outside? Looks like some kind of protest.
It's the Mosque Committee.
Mr Khan arranged it.
That's not entirely I thought you were gonna get this place full of customers.
- Yes, but - How much money have you taken? - Two-fifty.
- £250.
Is that all? Not exactly.
He means £2.
50.
What? That's pathetic.
You haven't even covered the cost of your staff.
Ah, I thought of that.
I'm not paying them.
Eh? Well, you can forget the franchise.
I knew this was a bad idea.
No, wait.
I'm going to check my stockroom.
Make sure you haven't cleaned me out.
And when I get back, I want you out of here.
Oh, God.
We're in trouble.
What are we going to do, sir? We have to prove to Mrs Sandy that we're serious business contenders.
We have to show her that we can turn this place around.
Right.
- Not the jingle, Amjad.
- Oh, what then? I don't know.
I'm gonna have to go in the back room and schmooze her.
That's how business works.
Ah, Uncle, I don't think she likes you.
You're right.
We'll need someone else.
Who? Oh, no.
Amjad, she likes you.
- Why? - It beats me.
But I've got our pension riding on it.
Now, come on.
Don't be chicken.
Get in there and show her that we're Team Khan and not Team Khan't! I'll do it.
Yes? Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Was there something you wanted? Um, Mr Khan said That is, I was wondering if you needed any help? What sort of help? Um, I could rearrange your condiments.
Well, I like the sound of that.
Do you? Perhaps you could check out my assets as well.
Okay.
I might even let you massage my figures! Oh! Or I could do a full inventory of your perishables and free up some shelf space.
Right.
I'm not sure that one really works.
But never mind.
Right.
You lot finish cleaning up.
I'm off to see Mrs Khan do the last tango in Sparkhill.
Alia's not helping, Uncle.
I'm in charge of the fryers.
Papaji said.
That's right, Faraz.
We've all got our jobs to do.
Just be grateful you haven't got Amjad's.
- Shazia! - Hi.
Shouldn't you be at Mum's show? - I was just going.
- Where's Amjad? He had to go out to buy some ketchup.
- You've got loads of ketchup.
- Oh, yes.
Silly Amjad.
Now, you run along.
What was that? - What? - That noise.
I didn't hear anything.
There it was again.
Oh, that's just the fridges, or the air conditioning - Shazia! - Or Amjad.
Where is he? He's in that stock cupboard with another woman.
What? Laddoo! Do you mind? We're in the middle of a stock take.
Oh, my God! - I can't believe this! - Laddoo, wait! - It's not what it looks like.
- Really? 'Cause it looks like you were canoodling with some floozy in a stockroom whilst wearing a chicken suit.
Okay, it is what it looks like.
Oh, my God! Who is this exactly? This is other daughter, Shazia.
Alia's sister.
- And Amjad's wife.
- What? Get out! - His wife? - That's right.
At least I was.
- Oh, no, laddoo, please! - Get your wings off me! Look, Shazia, Amjad was just schmoozing with the lady - purely for professional reasons.
- What? I definitely thought there was something between us.
No, that was my pickled gherkins.
Did you put him up to this? Maybe.
Laddoo, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Oh, for goodness sake, Amjad.
Be a man.
You can't live your whole life worrying about what your wife thinks.
Sweetie! Everything okay? Where were you? You promised me you'd come.
You promised! Yes, but I can explain.
Don't bother.
I've heard it all before.
Trust me.
You've not heard this one before.
Go on, then.
I was trying to win a franchise for a chicken shop.
- He made me wait on tables.
- What? And he used Amjad as some kind of kinky chicken escort service.
Unbelievable! - Please, my darling.
- Don't say another word.
We're all going to leave here now.
Come on.
We're all going home.
I'm not.
I'm going to wait for my tutor outside.
- Why? - 'Cause he's fit.
So, what do you think? Do I still get the franchise? Out! Out of my shop! Oh, come on.
I can explain.
You set me up with your son-in-law! - That was an accident.
- To set me up? No, that he married my daughter.
And you organised a protest in front of the shop! It's okay.
They're not protesting.
Mmm.
We like it.
Free halal chicken.
Oh, no, it's not halal.
What? Now, they're protesting.
So, is there anything else you'd like to confess? He fell down the cellar of his own accord! What have you done, Papaji? Look, Sandra, I'm sorry about all this.
How about a second chance? Okay.
Maybe not.
Here we are.
So, Shazia and Amjad have made up.
Everything's okay.
Forgive and forget.
That's the important thing, hai na? - Sweetie, where are you going? - I'm going to my sister's.
What? I thought we could spend some time together.
If you wanted to spend time with me, you wouldn't have spent our time-together money on some stupid chicken shop.
You are right.
I just wanted to turn back the clock.
But it was a stupid idea.
What do you mean, "Turn back the clock"? Remember when we first got married? And we lived in that flat, and we worked in a chip shop downstairs.
Burt & Tina's.
Yes.
So? We worked so hard, didn't we? I worked hard.
You spent your entire time watching cricket.
That's not true, sweetie.
We didn't have a telly then.
I used to listen to it on the radio.
I just wanted to go back to the time before children, before community leader, before everything.
Just me and you together.
Mmm.
We were so happy.
Well I was.
So was I.
I'm sorry we couldn't go to Argentina to do the fandango.
But we could still have a dance.
You know, like we used to, after closing time.
Mmm.
Remember this? Happy New Year 2016 - New Year, New Color ;-)