Corner Gas (2004) s04e05 Episode Script

So you wanna get rid of her, uh? She's almost 60 years old.
Wow.
Hard to believe she's still standin'.
Yep.
Done me proud, though.
How long do you think it'll take to get rid of her? Oh, uh, I'll have her gone by tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Demolish a barn in a day? A barn? What? Oh, yeah, right, the barn.
Sure, yeah, I can, uh, do that in day.
You didn't think I was talkin' about the, uh The cow? Ah, course not.
Doesn't even look 60.
Early forties maybe.
You want me to get rid of the cow? * You can tell me that your dog ran away * * Then tell me that it took three days * * I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say * * You think there's not a lot goin' on * * Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong * * And that's why you can stay so long * * Where there's not a lot goin' on * Ooo, pictures.
Oh.
They're just some landscapes I took.
Nothing really.
Oh, come, let's see your work, Anson Williams.
I think you mean Ansel Adams.
No, I meant the guy who played Potsie.
Ah, a grain elevator.
Another grain elevator.
Nice.
Grain elevator.
Ooo, I like this one.
What's that? It's a better picture of a grain elevator.
Wow, when you said they were nothin', you weren't kiddin'.
At least I know who Potsie is.
That's a good thing? Sit on it.
The flowers are dead.
Oh, yeah.
I should water those.
Oh, this is technical, but they're dead, so, no, you shouldn't.
Flowers, flowers, flowers.
Is that all you can talk about? Oh, I like your nails, though.
Oh, thanks.
I do them myself.
I find it relaxes me.
Oh, I hate fiddly things like that.
You know, I could do yours, if you like.
Oh, no, I couldn't impose.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Plus it'll give us a chance to have a little one-on-one girl time.
Mmm, girl time.
It's like you're reading my mind.
Great.
Why don't I come by after lunch, then? I, uh I gotta go.
I'll see ya then.
Girl time.
Yippee.
I shouldn't be saying this because it isn't official yet, but I was just talkin' with Gus, down at the Howler and it looks like I'm gonna be newsmaker of the year.
You're newsmaker of the year? For what? You remember that guy who stole that grain truck? That guy? Puh! He was barely a thief.
He was a barley thief.
That was a typo.
He stole some grain.
I don't think it was a typo.
This is a sham.
What about me? What about my story? That's not the whole story.
Mad dog! Mad dog! Run, run! You'll be torn to shreds! Run, run! Those kids'll know what to do if they're chased by a rabid dog.
Yeah, because it would never occur to them scatter.
This ain't over.
I'm talkin' to Gus.
It wasn't just barley.
He stole the truck too.
And here I'm playing with the depth of field.
Well, there's depth, and that's certainly a field.
You know, it's my fault for asking.
Hey, you guys carry dynamite? That's funny, we were just talking about getting more impulse items.
I said we should have nut bars at the counter, and here you are.
So it's over there by the milk or We don't have dynamite.
Oh.
Well.
I told Cecil I'd demolish his barn by tomorrow, but if do it by hand, it'll take me at least, you know, longer than that.
So I'm thinking, sstt, boom.
You know? Geez, I don't know if you and dynamite should be together in the same room.
Unless there's a short fuse and a locked door.
I'm just trying to give you guys my business.
I guess I'll have to call my dynamite guy.
Okay, when there's mention of a dynamite guy, it's time to step in.
Hank, I'll help you.
Really? That's weirdly decent of you.
You realize it involves work? The lives I save may be more than just his.
Besides, what red-blooded Canadian wouldn't want to tear down a barn? Excuse me.
Aren't you Former Governor General Adrienne Clarkson? Yes, I am.
Wanna help wreck a barn? Of course I would.
How come you're so down on me being newsmaker of the year? I don't think a stolen grain truck is an award winning story.
This is Dog River.
We don't have murders and robberies like the big cities.
Maybe someone will get trampled by cattle or something.
I wish.
Why? You worried Oscar's gonna take it from you? Nah.
You should be.
Maybe a good action photo for the Howler would help.
Oh! Of you.
Well, Wanda takes pictures.
Nah, I don't want any grain elevators in the shot.
She takes other kinds of pictures.
She does? And this is a grain silo.
It doesn't quite have the same dramatic form as a grain elevator, but stunning, none the less.
I don't know.
You got anything else? Oh.
Here's one you might like.
What's that? A picture of all the other photographers willing to help you.
You know, I have to be honest.
I wasn't too keen on this girl time thing.
But I'm really enjoying getting my nails done.
Oh, I'm glad.
Oh, they are in really rough shape, though.
If you can make them look half as good as yours, they'll turn out great.
But, you know, try to shoot for better than half.
You're gonna get the full treatment.
You know what I've always Hm?liked the look of? Acrylic nails.
Oh.
Do you want acrylic nails? Sure, if it's not too much trouble.
Oh, no.
It's no trouble.
I mean I have to file them down, and then glue on the tips, and then file them down, and apply the acrylic, and then file them down, and apply the polish.
But it's girl time.
Yeah.
Do we really need the visual aid? Oh, this requires meticulous planning.
Okay, I want to be the army man.
No, I'm the army man.
You're the thimble.
Fine.
We tie your truck up to the support beam inside the barn, and pull the whole thing down in one shot.
Mm-hmm, right.
And the dynamite's attached to the beam? There's no dynamite.
You sure that'll work? My friend, Mr.
Isaac Newton, thinks it will work.
Do I know him? Yeah.
He's got an apple orchard outside town, big bump on his head.
When you're finished playing with your animal dollies, I could use some gas.
We're tearin' down Cecil's barn.
This is a scale replica of our plan.
Except for the giant goat.
That would be terrifying.
Tearing it down? I was a little kid when Cecil's dad built that barn.
Do you remember seein' a brown and white cow out front? That's a big scoop.
Human interest.
Could put me over the edge for newsmaker of the year.
You mean like "Crazy guy crushed by barn" sorta thing? It does have all the elements of a good story.
Action, history, crushing.
Come on.
I'm more than qualified.
How do you blow up a salad? It happens more than you think.
He always leaves his grass clippings piled up here, so they blow over onto my lawn.
Well, at least I mow my lawn.
What's that supposed to mean? You don't know what "at least I mow my lawn" means? All right, let's settle down.
Why don't we discuss this someplace where there's better light.
Better light?Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll step outta the shot.
Good thinkin'.
Now face this way.
I don't think you're grasping the concept of photo journalism.
It's supposed to be realistic.
I could draw my gun.
Go for it.
Over grass clippings? Maybe I should comb my hair.
Okay, people, let's focus.
Come on, now.
Who's my angry neighbour? Why'd you bring so many gloves? Yeah.
Did you think there was gonna be an octopus helping out? You can never have too many gloves.
Well, I think you've proved that you can.
You see, they got a lotta arms, so they'd need a lotta gloves, if-if they wore gloves or had hands.
Oh, how the mighty will fall.
This kinda reminds me of David and Goliath.
How does tearin' down a barn remind you of two guys in a fist fight? And he used to teach Sunday School.
They live under water, so it doesn't make sense.
But they do have a lotta arms.
Stop talkin' about octopuses.
Octopi.
Well, we're off to a good start.
Coffee break.
What about this one? Karen's not bad, but your ears look funny.
This one? It looks like you just swallowed a mosquito.
It was an aphid.
Can we go back to the first one? My ears, remember? I know.
Can I keep that one? Sure.
It's actually a good shot of you.
You'll see how I used the depth of field to separate you from the background.
Like you say, it looks forced.
I didn't say that.
The camera loves Karen.
Thank you.
Well, what about me? The camera likes you as a friend.
Okay, she's good.
Give her snoose.
What does that mean? It could be anything.
I think he means drive.
Why ain't she comin' down? Wait a minute.
The rope's not even taut.
Well, don't just stand there.
Get me outta here, ya jackasses.
The cow woulda been dead by now.
You don't usually wear makeup on duty, do you? Oh, it's nothin'.
You know, Davis is all over me about wanting his stupid pictures to look good.
So.
And you've done something with your hair.
Hey, look, it's Emma.
Hey, girlfriend.
Lacey, that's how rumours get started.
Oh.
Sorry.
Karen, check it out.
I did Emma's nails.
They don't look great.
Well, your hair sucks.
No, look.
Emma, what happened? I put a lot of work into those.
I'm sorry.
I- I was trying to surprise you with new flowers for your planters, but Oscar took all the work gloves.
Anyway, these are for you.
Oh! I guess I was a little outta line, there? And how's my hair? Sorry.
Emma, that was very sweet.
Irresponsible, but sweet.
Well, if I could just do something with these nails.
Maybe I should file them off.
Oh, all right.
Come on.
Have fun, girlfriends.
Are you wearing makeup? Maybe I should drive the tractor? You never let me take responsibility for my own actions.
I've always blamed you for that.
Fine.
Is there any mud in front of the tractor? Oh, very funny.
Come on, let's go.
Walk the juice to it.
Again, I think he means drive.
At least he's not talkin' about octopuses.
Hey, she's really stuck.
Hey, is your truck burning oil, like more than usual? No, that's not oil.
That's a burning clutch, a 300 horsepower 2000 series tractor clutch.
Could you be less specific? That thing's toast.
Coffee break.
Next time slow down.
Or better yet, speed up and don't pull over and we'll chase ya.
That's a joke, right? Yeah.
But I'd understand if you thought I was serious and you took off and we did chase ya.
Okay, that's geez, what is with those ears? Okay, uh, let's do another one.
Karen, you step out in front of Davis, there.
What's with the camera? Why? You got somethin' to hide? Karen, hold it.
Ah, it's great.
It is so nice to finally have a subject I can work with.
What about me? What about you? I mean, how about you slip in behind Karen, there, a little bit.
A little bit more.
A little bit more.
And tuck down a titch.
Are my ears covered? Can't see them at all.
Great.
It's great that you enjoy doing this so much.
Mm, yep, love it.
Hey, how about red polish today? Sure.
What the heck.
Ooo, I love girl time.
Yeah, girl time.
Yippee.
Okay.
Now let's get an action shot of Davis by the cruiser.
All right! Karen, you stand by the car.
Davis, you run through frame like you're chasin' someone.
Okay, go.
Great.
What's goin' on? Tractor's broke.
You know how irresponsible the boys can be.
I don't know why they're wasting their time with a tractor.
Should blow the darn thing up and get it over with.
I like the way you think.
Cecil says not to bother with the tractor.
He says we should just blow it up.
Really? Awesome.
I'm gonna call the Howler.
Well, coffee break.
Photography's not exactly her thing, is it? I don't know.
I like that one.
I'm not even in it.
Isn't that your foot? Oh, yeah.
And it does look good.
Still, I was hopin' for better shots, though.
DRPD.
Uh-huh? They're blowing up what? I'll-I'll be right there.
We'll be right there.
So, she ruined her manicure potting these flowers to thank you for giving her a manicure? Don't get me wrong, it was a nice thing to do.
But a slap in the face, don't ya think? So, what did you do? I redid her nails.
But I wasn't happy doing them.
Wow.
Remind me never to get on your bad side.
Wanda, grab your camera! Brent and Hank are blowin' up a barn.
Oh, I'm on it.
They're blowing up a barn? Why? I dunno.
Fun I guess? Who wouldn't want to wreck a barn? Take that, ya stupid barn.
You comin', Lacey? Oh, you know, I should really re-pot these flowers.
Really? Can I ask you something? Are they gonna blow up? 'Cause the barn's gonna.
Oh, what the heck.
That sounds fun.
That's the spirit.
Hey, like your nails.
Don't get her started.
Okay, you set the charge? Yeah, with no help from you.
I had lot to do up here, like set up a perimeter and not get blown up.
You weren't gonna get blown up.
All I did was read the instructions.
I helped you make a can of soup because you couldn't follow the instructions on the label.
And did we blow up then? A little bit, yeah.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Mr.
Second Place, come to cry in his coffee.
We'll see who's cryin'.
The only way you could win is if you had a story on a two-headed donkey, an exploding two-headed donkey.
Oh, I don't know.
An exploding barn is a good story.
But a picture of a cop in front of an exploding barn is probably better.
That's right.
Thank you, Wanda.
Oh, you want to be in it too? Where'd ya get a picture of cops in front of an exploding barn? They're cops, in front of an exploding barn.
Where'd ya find another exploding barn? Where is everyone? Oh, they all went to watch them blow up Cecil's barn.
They're blowing it up? I don't want to miss that.
Here, these are for Lacey.
My flowers.
They're kinda droopy.
You should replant them as soon as you take them out of the ground.
Do I tell ya how to burn toast? Now go get me a pitcher of water.
You try to do something nice for someone.
Maybe somebody should say something.
Huh? Oh, yeah, okay.
Uh, thank you all for coming.
I'd say more, but we got a lotta work to do.
I mean we still have a barn to tear down.
What do ya mean we still got a barn to tear down? Fire in the ground! Whooo! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! Mission accomplished.
Ha-ha.
Why did my tractor just blow up? Perfect.
But I was tyin' my shoe.
Aw, now the other one's loose.
Oh? Oh.
Perfect.
Hey.
Why did ya blow up the tractor? Oscar told me to.
He said-he said, don't bother tryin' to fix the tractor.
Cecil told him to just blow it up.
Gilligan.
All right, listen up, everybody.
Due to unforeseen Hank, we're not gonna be blowin' up a barn.
But if anybody would like to volunteer to help tear down the barn, that would be great.
Whoo hoo! Who doesn't love to tear down a barn? There are plenty of gloves in the truck, like a ridiculous amount of gloves.
Whoo hoo! You've got to be kidding.
Now, you couldn't have done that baking cookies.
I didn't.
They do look nice.
So I guess this means Damn straight.
Oh, man, these are in bad shape.
How did you enjoy the cookies? I'll get the new acrylics.
Ha! Guess who made newsmaker of the year? Ouch.
Glad I wasn't in the shot.
Thank you, Wanda.
I think you look very natural.
Oh, and you can just see a grain elevator.
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* I don't know the same things you don't know * * I don't know I just don't know * * It's a great big place * full of nothin' but space * and it's my happy place * I don't know Yes you do * * You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com * I don't know * I just don't know *