Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend I've had the best time hanging out with the both of you.
I think it's official that we're a squad.
- Totally.
- REBECCA: When we stick together, I'm pretty convinced there's nothing we can't do.
I love you guys.
I really do.
You can talk to me, D-Money.
It's about me and White Josh, and you're so obsessed with us, and O M G What?! You guys are my #goals.
I literally cannot with you guys.
You give me all the feels.
What are you doing here? Heather texted me, and she asked me to come.
- I wanted to see my friend.
- Friends? - I thought you didn't want to be.
- I thought you didn't want to be.
- Do you think I'm a bad mom? - You're not the most attentive parent.
Brendan's my weed guy.
PAULA: I thought you guys were just dead weight slowing down the minivan.
- But I was wrong.
- (laughs) Meet Rebecca She's the coolest girl in the world, wait Wrong Rebecca It's this one over here She's spunky, she's sweet, a generous friend Oh, but there she looks kind of mean Hmm.
Okay, she's snarky Sarcastic and a What? You know, we're not really seeing a common theme Meet Rebecca She's too hard to summarize So let's go back to Other Rebecca.
Don't look.
I'm behind you.
Okay, behold, my newest stroke of genius, the reason I assembled you all here for this #GirlGroupHangout.
Pretzel pairings with wine! - (gasps) - Ooh! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh! Okay, so we have a Parmesan and Pinot.
- Ooh! - Ooh! A Roquefort and Riesling.
- Oh, wait.
No, that's for you.
That's for you.
- Uh-huh.
And my personal favorite Manchego and Merlot.
Ooh.
(chuckles) Oh, look at you, Miss Entrepreneur.
You are glowing.
Yeah, I'm really happy lately.
I really love this job, and Dr.
Akopian says I'm doing well, and volunteering at the jail is going great.
I just feel really grounded and centered, you know? Ladies, ladies, ladies, no, no, no, no.
It's sip and nibble, sip and nibble.
What's that look for? Oh, Heather, are you getting divorced? Oof, I'm sorry.
We all saw it coming.
What? No.
You did? No.
Um, I have news.
Is it that you're getting us a new vibrator? 'Cause the old one's on its last legs.
You don't still use my vibrator.
- No, I do not.
- Uh, I'm just gonna say it.
So, um, Hector and I bought a condo in El Segundo.
So, we're moving.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
He got this great job at a surf camp down there, and I've always wanted to live at the beach, so - Wow.
- (chuckles) Wow, wow, wow.
This is really big and an adult step.
I mean, you're married.
Now you're buying real estate.
It's huge.
Right, Paula? That's kind of crazy, right, Valencia? I'm moving to New York.
(chuckles) Yeah, okay.
That's funny.
Beth and I got an offer to work at a huge party planning company.
We rented a tiny apartment the size of my current closet, but it's the Big Apple.
Big Apple, small apartment.
Wait, both of you are moving? At the same time? Okay.
Wow.
Um, I, uh I don't know what to say.
Wow.
You guys have a lot of stuff figured out.
Valencia and Heather and Pa I mean, Paula, let's not forget you.
You're about to graduate from law school.
It's amazing for all of you.
Mazel, mazel! Mazel to all! We've been trying to decide how to break it to you, but, really, it's not such a big deal.
I mean, No.
Heather's basically just moving across town.
Yeah.
I'm still gonna be working for Home Base.
- Mm-hmm.
- The El Segundo Home Base was already one of my Home Bases.
Now it'll just be my home base Home Base, and the West Covina Home Base will be my second base.
Or Segundo base.
(chuckles): Segundo base.
Yeah, we can all text and talk on the phone and FaceTime.
Plus, I'm coming home for the holidays.
I already booked my ticket.
Oh, my God.
PAULA: Okay, Cookie, I can see this is difficult for you.
Scott and I lived in three other crappy suburbs before we lived in this crappy suburb.
And I've said good-bye to a lot of people.
And you get used to it.
You say hello, you say good-bye, and you just try to treasure the moments in between.
Yeah.
Yes, you're right.
That's what I'm doing right now.
I am treasuring and savoring.
I mean, you know, it's a little hard for me.
It kind of feels like I'm losing two friends at once.
But I will be cheering you all on very sincerely from my small, unprofitable pretzel store, with my no boyfriend, having not had sex since before the slammer, because oh, right I was also in jail.
(laughing) PAULA: You should've seen the look on Rebecca's face.
I felt so bad for her.
(clicks tongue) It was like when you dropped your cotton candy in the potty and you were so sad.
Right.
But then I-I picked it back up and I ate it.
- (laughs) - (chuckles, sighs) Um, speaking of big news, I have some.
You gonna stop calling Tommy "General Buttface Jackson"? Uh, he loves that.
No.
You are finally going to You ever heard of, uh, Peeps for Peace? Sure.
Yeah, they're-they're kind of like the Peace Corps.
What about 'em? Did you read an article about 'em or something? No, no, no.
I-I applied and got in.
I'm just waiting on my assignment.
I'm excited to see where I get to go.
Might be pretty far.
What, like Denver? No, no, like, uh like South America or Africa.
(stammers) I just, you know, thought we were in a phase of telling each other stuff (stammers) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know.
I just I thought I thought you might be upset, so Why would I be upset? Be-Because we just kind of got close, and now I'm-I'm leaving.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No.
I'm happy for you.
I'm happy for me.
- Yeah? - Yeah! I've got a kid who's-who's gonna go super far away and make a big-ass difference on this planet for how long? Uh, anywhere between five and ten years.
Good.
Good.
Good.
(chuckles) By the way, don't tell your dad about this pie, because he is an emotional eater.
- I can see you're upset.
- I'm not upset.
Not at all.
I am proud.
This is this is this is an achievement.
I mean, any mother would be proud.
Right.
Like I like I always say, you say hello, you say good-bye, and you just try to treasure the m (sighs) Just (exhales) I can't go back from paternity leave until I binge this show.
(chuckles) Everyone has seen it, and they've already said they're gonna spoil everything for me.
Hector loves this show.
What is it about again? It's a British cop thing - with a child murder in a fishing village.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- And it stars that Swedish actress and that Scottish guy.
- Okay.
- And some episodes are two hours - and some are 30 minutes.
- Wow.
All right.
Sounds good.
Let's binge it up.
All righty.
Hey, it's not weird we spend so much time together, - is it? - No.
Besides, that murder's not gonna solve itself.
(chuckles) You do realize we don't solve the murder, right? Oh, come on.
Have some fun.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
It's a normal reaction.
Your roommate's moving out, your friend's moving away.
Of course you're feeling low and sad.
No, it's not that.
- Can I tell you something? - Okay.
- What I'm about to say is-is horrible.
- It's all right.
(mumbling): I see life as a contest, and I'm now losing.
What? R-Rebecca, I-I didn't hear you.
(whispers): I feel less than when others are doing better than me.
Okay.
I'll come sit next to you.
(quietly): Okay.
I want to cryogenically freeze all my friends to buy me some time to find a better career and a life partner.
And then, when I'm ready, I'll wake them up, and I'll throw a party for all of our mutual milestones.
That is so messed up.
Aw! (chuckles) I'm kidding.
Feeling competitive is just human nature.
It's normal.
- Is it? - Yes.
- (exhales) - And it makes sense that you would feel behind.
You are, in a sense, a little behind.
(chuckles) Um, wait, what? You have overcome challenges other people haven't faced, and you have wisely taken the time to do the hard work.
It makes sense that some of your friends might hit some early adult milestones before you.
Oh.
(laughs) No, it's funny, 'cause I was saying I was behind so you would say, "No, no, no, you're not behind.
" But you said that I am.
It's fine.
No, it's just It's slightly jarring when a medical professional confirms your worst fears, but that makes sense.
My friends are, in some senses at a more advanced stage in their lives.
Exactly.
So maybe what I need to do is hang out with some different people - who are more where I'm at.
- Rebecca, I am not suggesting that you replace your friends.
No, no, no, no.
I wouldn't do that.
I mean, that's I'm not saying that I would do that.
That's not what I'm doing.
I'm just adding to my friend group with people who don't scare me.
REBECCA: So Maya, AJ, I've brought you both here to ask you a very important question.
Have either of you considered owning a condo? (gasps) Oh What's going on in here? What are you doing? Brendan doesn't sell drugs anymore.
Which is kind of a bummer, 'cause he was my weed guy.
Scott, we have an emergency.
Our son is going far away.
- Super far.
- And we're so proud of him.
Screw proud.
I just started liking that kid.
I need to find something to make him stay.
(gasps quietly) Oh.
Oh.
A yearbook page.
I think I may have just found the mother lode.
(gasps) Vanessa Rodriguez.
Oh, yeah.
I remember her.
He really liked her.
I remember her, too.
I used to think she was his OTP.
His over the pants? One true pairing.
Oh, God.
This is great.
This is just the ammunition I need.
Babe, I'm begging you, do not interfere in his life.
He's made a good decision for once.
Let him be.
You're right.
I I shouldn't interfere.
I-I learned that lesson a million times.
I'm just gonna let him fly away and be free.
Exactly.
- Glad you understand.
- I do.
(whispers): Fly free, my ass.
DARRYL: Ah, it's nice to be out on the first cool day of the year.
WHITE JOSH: Yep, only 85 degrees.
It's a very simple question.
Have you considered owning a condo? Oh, no way.
I'm not even sure what a condo is.
(chuckles) Is that Rebecca? (gasps) Wait.
Back it up.
Back the car up.
Hit a lamppost.
Call your mother.
You're getting towed.
(gasps) Are Darryl and White Josh back together? Yay! WhiteJoshfeather is my OTP.
- That means one true pairing.
- No, I know what it is 'cause I'm-I'm super young, as well.
Um, and no, I don't think they are back together.
Huh? But let's get back to me.
AJ: Rebecca, hold on.
Are you telling me that adorable family that I'm about to Pinterest all over my Life Goals board is not a couple? Yeah.
They're not back together.
(sighs) MAYA: It's so sad.
Look at them, they're so cute.
Aw.
Something like this? This? Like this? Darryl says they're just friends, but nobody spends that much time together if they're not hooking up.
(chuckles) Just look at those two.
Just get back together! Everyone wants you back together.
Come on! - What? - MAYA: Yeah! Stop pretending you guys aren't in love! - Why is everyone yelling at us? - I don't know.
Mm-mm.
Not okay.
- Let's go.
- All right.
Mm-mm.
Happy birthday, Connor.
Oh, boy.
They're on the move.
Why are they coming over here? Oh, my goodness.
- I don't know.
- MAYA: We've all had enough of this.
Okay, okay.
What's going on? Come on, you two.
Your relationship is important to us.
- Just give in, and get in the spirit! - Yeah.
(upbeat country intro plays) (cheering, whooping) - Yee-haw! - (whoops) Dear God, what's happening? (Southern accent): It's your wedding day! No, but we're broken up.
- Yep! - (Maya groans) You say you're broken up - That it's over - Yeah.
Yes, you've both been 'bout as stubborn as can be You tell 'em, Maya.
But we see from afar just how cute you are And the thought of it makes everyone all squee Squee, squee, squee We don't know why you're fighting the inevitable With ya, Timmy.
It's clear to us that you both are soul mates Plus, you're kind of the only two LGBTQ people I know, so to me it's clearly fate Fate, fate, fate You need to get out more, Tim.
- It's confirmed - It's confirmed - It's official - It's official The group mind has decided you're in love - Court adjourned - Court adjourned - Now kiss a little - Kiss a little The mass mob has declared that you're in love Love, love, love Rebecca, don't you have bigger problems going on right now? Yes, and this is a welcome distraction.
Now, you might say we just need a distraction You just said that.
Shh.
From the stress and drama of our lives But I go, "La, la, la, la, la" when you swear That there's nothing there Your love's the only reason I survive - I'm sorry, what was your name again? - Who is this guy? - It's confirm-ed - It's confirm-ed - It's official - It's official The group mind has decided you're in love - Say yes to long-term - Say yes Look what I whittled Hot dang The mass mob has declared That you're in love, love, love, love Everybody stretch, time to dance (whoops) Whoa.
- Ooh! Sorry.
- Sorry.
- I don't know where to go.
- I don't, either.
Hey, what are you guys doing here? We all want you back together, too! - Who's this guy? - I needed a dance partner, and I've had a really hard week, so please, let me have this.
Big fan.
Great to meet you.
Big fan.
Okay.
Now let's dance.
WHITE JOSH: Okay, we got the message.
DARRYL: Go on with your lives.
Guys come on.
Okay, so, this is just not about us at all anymore.
No.
So, now they're randomly doing ballet? I guess so.
It's hard to follow.
(hip-hop music plays) WHITE JOSH: That's not even the correct dance language for this piece.
Come on! Whoa ! Stop it.
Now, stop it.
Come on.
Leave these guys alone.
For the record, it is possible to be platonically friends with someone you've just broken up with.
Do you really believe that? No, I just wanted to be in the number.
Oh, wow! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss Dance, dance, dance, dance Kiss, dance, kiss, dance Kiss, dance, kiss, dance, kiss, dance - Okay.
All right.
- Yay It's confirmed Yee-haw It's official Yee-hoo - Let's get out of here.
- The group mind has decided You're in love - Hey, where'd they go? - Who cares? - Horse.
- (horse neighing) WHITE JOSH: What is wrong with people? I mean, why do they care if we're together or not? Yeah, well, that has nothing to do with us.
- Yeah.
- We know what we are to each other.
Yeah, that is their issue.
That is about them.
- (phone chimes) - Oh.
(laughs) Look, Vic dressed up for Hawaiian shirt day at the gym.
What a dork.
I like Vic.
(chuckles) He's the best trainer at the gym besides you.
He doesn't grunt.
Always puts the weights down lightly.
- Always lets me quit.
(laughs) - (laughs) I think if he was 20 years older, he'd be perfect for you.
Yeah, he might be perfect for me right now.
We've been texting a little bit.
- Yeah? You guys gonna go out? - Yeah.
Yeah, at some point I just got so much going on right now.
Speaking of which, can I drop by tonight and do my laundry? The, uh, machines at my building are a little less free than yours.
(chuckles) Sure.
While I'm there, maybe we can watch that new series about toxic waste and cancer.
Oh, yeah, the one that won Best Comedy.
Everybody dies.
Add to queue.
- Done.
- Mm.
REBECCA: So, what do you think of my wine pairing? You know, I'm not that into blue and Bordeaux, but that's just 'cause to me, blue smells like blarf.
(laughs) That's such a funny young person thing you just did.
Combining two words to make a new word.
It's so great.
- (chuckles) - (phone chimes) Hmm? One second.
Hmm.
Oh, my roommate Heather sent out an E-vite.
Heather and Valencia are having a farewell party at my house on Saturday night.
That's funny.
I wasn't consulted.
Mm.
They probably thought I'd be upset, but you know what? I don't care.
I don't care.
It's fine.
Hey, it says bring whomever.
- You guys want to come? - Saturday? (sighs) That's when I do my evening intention hikes with the friends from my intramural three-legged race team.
Maya, you in, girl? Girl, okay, normally I got you, but I have my ironic scrapbooking group Saturday.
Oh.
Yeah, this week we're collaging with sexist shampoo ads from the '70s.
- Feminism.
- Yes.
Why don't you bring all your friends to my house party? Are you sure? It's, like, ten people.
Mine would be, like, 12.
Bring whoever you want.
It is a party.
My therapist said Just bring-bring your friends.
The more the merrier.
- (chuckles): Okay.
- Cool.
WOMAN: Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Enjoy.
- Have a nice day.
- (gasps) Wow.
These are adorable.
(both laugh) This pair says "hell" and "no.
" That's great.
Oh, look at these.
"Boy" and "bye.
" - Mm-hmm.
- (laughs) Wait, Vanessa Rodriguez? Is that you? Yeah.
Can I help you? I'm Brendan Proctor's mom.
Oh, hi.
Hey, listen, do you have a second to talk about your OTP? - What are you guys doing? - HEATHER: Well, again, I'm moving, so I'm packing up my stuff.
I'm picking up some stuff I left here that I'm taking to New York.
Right, got it.
I mean, that is my skillet, though.
Okay, it's not a skillet.
It's a stock pot.
And it has my mother's name on it.
Okay, point taken.
Your mom puts her name on pots, which is what you'll probably be doing soon since you're basically mom age now.
You and I are the same age.
Yeah, and I'm younger.
Rebecca, you're being weird.
I'm being I'm sorry, what did you ? I don't even recognize that word anymore, 'cause the word is not "weird.
" It's actually "fizzy" now.
- I'm sorry, what? - That's what my young new friends say.
- What new friends? - Oh, you wouldn't know them.
They're these kids Maya and AJ.
- I know Maya and AJ.
- So do I.
Okay, well, that's cool.
So you know how, like, young and cool and fizzy they are.
Your new friends are weird? Oh, my God.
Centenarian.
Fizzy is a word that means multiple things.
It's like "sick" or "bad" or "aloha" or "shalom.
" Uh, look, girl, I know this is hard.
- Yeah, and kind of triggering.
- Okay.
(chuckles) I I appreciate you guys worrying about me, but, you know, to play armchair psychiatrist for a second, I think you're fixating a little bit too much on me rather than focus on your own sadness.
You guys are saying good-bye to the young and fizzy parts of your lives Good fizzy, not bad fizzy And you're thinking, "Okay, now that I'm old and boring, will life be as fun?" And the answer is likely no.
But the good news is you can live through your fun friend, Becks, and you can follow me on my Insta or my Finsta, if I let you.
It's a lot of secret pictures of me doing all of the drugs.
Anyway, I got to go to a pop-up candy museum and then a hookah bar and then a party inside a photo booth.
So got to dip.
Oh, I'm sorry.
"Dip" means "bounce," which means "peace out.
" Which means "leave.
" (door closes) She's being ridiculous.
We're not old.
Not at all.
Where is my back brace, though? 'Cause I have to lift this dish box.
- (knocking at door) - Oh.
Wonder who that is.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
Hi.
This is the girl that I bought - earrings from earlier today.
- Hi.
Oh, thank you so much for coming by to drop them off.
- I really appreciate it.
- Of course.
Hey, no, c-come in, come in.
Okay.
- Vanessa Rodriguez is here.
- Shh.
- Honey, don't be rude.
- Uh, yes, Paula, here are your custom earrings that say "lawyer" and "bitch.
" Ooh! Brendan? - Is this your mom? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's, uh, that's my mom, that's my dad, and Th-that's General Buttface Jackson.
At your service.
(chuckles): Well, what a funny coincidence that your mom, who I've never met before, bought earrings from my kiosk today.
That's so weird.
God, V, I-I haven't seen you in a while.
You look you look amazing.
Well, you look pretty good, yourself.
Thank you.
Listen, um, we have a lot of meat loaf left over because Tommy's weirdly vegetarian now.
- Will you join us? - Oh.
Well, I don't want to impose.
No, no, no, you're not imposing.
No.
Get up, buddy.
Tommy, take your plate.
- Get up.
Just find another chair.
Come on.
- Okay.
You're just gonna sit right here.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
PAULA: Just sit right next to Brendan.
(chuckles) - SCOTT: What the hell are you doing? - PAULA: Shh! Not so loud.
The boys will hear you.
What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to get Vanessa and Brendan back together so he won't leave.
Look, I did not offer her money or blackmail her.
I am just playing Cupid.
That's nothing.
Look, I understand this is hard for you.
This is hard for me, too.
Our guy is - He's moving on.
- Shh.
But we can't be messing with his life.
(chuckles) If you don't call this off, I will.
Oh, you are not calling off anything.
You don't understand.
You're not Mom.
He grew in my stomach.
His first sentence was, "Wuv you, Mama.
" For the first four years of his life, we were stapled together unless I was at work.
And then from the ages of four to 18, I lost him to his stupid friends and knives and girls he never told me about and masturbation and selling pot, and now he's back, and he likes me, and I wuv him more than ever.
And I just I don't want to lose him yet, Scott.
Please.
- Yeah, but I - Scott.
Please.
WHITE JOSH: (laughs) You're up, man.
Wow.
Okay, okay, attention, everybody at the bar? Vic here has another dart to throw, and he's not afraid to cause bodily harm, okay? Look out.
This is it.
This is the big one.
(quietly): Big money, big money (dart skittering) Where did that one even go? Um That is unbelievable.
Okay, buddy.
Wow, you are bad at that.
Actually, I just need a little bit of a warm-up.
(laughs) - Hey, I didn't get your RSVeep.
- Hey.
Are you coming by tomorrow night? Oh.
Right, going-away party.
Shoot, sorry.
Yeah.
Um, heads-up, actually.
Uh, Rebecca's kind of having a tough time with everyone leaving.
Yeah, that makes sense.
You guys are both moving.
That's hard.
So true.
So brutal.
- Trutal.
- Trutal.
(chuckles) You know, I don't know you, - but you can also come.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Who's Trutal? Who's Rebecca? - Ah.
Trutal is no one.
Uh, Rebecca is someone she lives with.
Heather, actually, Heather's moving away.
And, uh, she's married to a friend of mine, Hector.
And they have this other friend, Valencia, who's also moving away.
And, uh Yeah, this is boring, right? - This is all people you don't know.
- No, I'm interested.
It's your life.
We're getting to know each other.
So tell me about who is leaving.
Where do I start? Um Hmm.
Okay.
Sorry, that took forever.
- Oh, was it a bad date? - Uh, mm, no.
I like him.
He just wanted to know everything about my life.
So many questions.
Well, that-that sounds like a normal first date.
A good one.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know.
The whole time I was just thinking about coming back here and kicking off my shoes and hanging out with somebody who already knew all that stuff.
(sighs) Uh, what the hell was that? Get out.
- You have got to get out.
- What are you talking about? You're using our friendship like a cocoon.
I-It's like that sci-fi series that we watched where the alien lived in that waterproof chrysalis.
- I am not Gemini.
You take that back.
- Okay.
Mm-mm.
He destroyed an entire continent because he was so afraid of leaving his warm comfortable cocoon.
Okay, yeah, I'm hearing that.
I am hearing that now.
Look, Joshua, I love having you around, but people are right.
We spend an awful lot of time together, but we know it's not gonna be anything more than a friendship.
I mean, a really great friendship, but we don't want it to be the thing that keeps us from meeting someone new.
Either one of us.
What about all our shows? Well, I could give you the passwords.
But it's the golden age of television.
I understand what I'm doing.
All right.
Now, Netflix - is "hebbybebbynetflix.
" - Hebbybebbynetflix.
- HBO Go is "hebbybebbyhbo.
" - Mm-hmm.
Oh, okay.
Hulu is Hmm? No, I think I got it.
Oh, okay.
I mean, if you think you got it.
I think I got it.
Yeah, you established a pretty clear pattern there.
It's "hebbybebbyhulu.
" I knew you wanted to know.
PAULA: This is just so great.
It has been two days, and Vanessa and Brendan have been out three times already.
I know, it's been a minute since he went out with someone that often.
Yeah.
The only bummer is is if they get really serious, what will he do about Peeps for Peace? (sighs) Long-distance is so hard.
- Ask The Notebook.
- (door opens) Oh, hello, lovebirds.
How was your date? Pretty good.
Really? Yeah, she's pregnant.
Awesome date.
What? No.
You just started You can't but you can't know that quickly.
I know.
I ovulated yesterday, and I felt the implantation today.
- What? - BRENDAN: Yeah.
So, obviously, Peeps for Peace is out.
I'll have to go back to dealing drugs.
Now that weed's legal, guess I'll move on to oxy? No, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
You were you were so excited about Peeps for Peace.
And-and it was such a noble decision, and-and I was so happy for you.
And Oh, my God.
A spontaneous pregnancy? A-a baby? Okay.
You guys got me.
(all chuckle) You got me.
Who was in on this? Right.
The unprotected sex and drug storylines were my idea.
I see.
He got it from the series about the teenage death pact.
Eight episodes.
So sad.
They had to have counselors come to the middle school.
Vanessa called me after you went to see her.
So I, uh, roped Dad in and Buttface and hatched a plan.
You got me.
Mom, I know you love me.
I love you, too, but I got to go.
I know.
I was just trying to buy some time.
I know.
(sighs) I mean, come on, it was just, like, yesterday that you were an itty-bitty baby.
(voice breaking): And I could hold all of you in one arm.
Oh, Mom.
(crying): Oh, my God.
I'm crying again.
I-I'm good, I'm good.
I'm so sorry.
I just - Oh, God - Oh, Mama.
Don't No, it's all good.
(laughs) Oh.
They were all in on it.
Got me so good.
I guess the olive doesn't fall far from the tree.
I don't know.
Hey, this going-away party is top-notch.
It's classy.
I mean, I gotta talk to Hector's mom about doing a nice soiree like this at our place.
You've got to stop calling her "Hector's mom.
" You got to move out of her house.
Enough.
Se acabó.
Basta.
Well, you know what you need to do? Stop playing this old people's music.
It's fizzy.
Okay, now I'm freaking out, because I thought she made that up.
No, the kids do say fizzy.
Rebecca's almost 30.
She's not a kid.
- (scoffs) - REBECCA: Hey! Yo, yo, yo.
Where the party at? (mouths) - (doorbell rings) - Yeah.
Oh, that's my friends.
I told them to come ironically early.
- Hey.
- AJ: Hey.
- How's it going? - Hi.
Oh, my God.
- REBECCA: Welcome.
Oh, my God.
- AJ: Thank you.
You are young.
You are young.
You are a fetus.
Hello.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Hi.
Do you know these people? No, of course I don't know these people.
Yeah.
Anybody have a problem with this? No? Okay, great.
- So Rebecca carried the baby - No, no, no.
It was Heather who carried the baby, but it was Rebecca's egg.
- Uh, okay, I'll get it eventually.
- No, you're good.
- I mean, probably won't, so - Either way.
(laughs) I'm gonna get a drink.
You want something? - Yeah, sure.
Hey, Darryl.
- DARRYL: Hmm? Hey, listen, I heard what you did.
And thank you for throwing water in Josh's face.
- Oh.
- Lt really helped him get out of his kelp cocoon, you know? Oh, my God.
You're watching Gemini's Escape.
- Yes.
- What episode are you on? Have you gotten to the one with the (grunts, chuckles) Blink twice if you know what I'm saying.
Oh! I know.
- Let's get something to drink.
- Yeah.
- I think you need it.
- (dance music playing) - Should I turn it up? - Yeah.
Hey, uh, do you mind? I kind of, like, curated a playlist.
- Can you, like, turn it down at least? - REBECCA: Hey.
- Or, like - Heather, Heather, hey.
Um, oh, my God.
You're kind of embarrassing me right now.
These are my guests, and they can do whatever they want, right? So go pay your taxes or trim your ear hair or something, okrrr? Okay, um, it's your house now, so Okay.
Oh, my God, I love this song.
Is this Halsey? It's not? (dance music playing loudly) (indistinct chatter) Yeah, okay, I love this song! What's it called? "Endless Verses"? Huh? "Waiting for the Chorus"? "Only the Bad Parts of a Song"? (laughs) - (doorbell rings) - Mm! Okay.
(coughs) Cool, more people.
Oh, yeah! I'm cool with this.
Yeah! Come in.
I'm glad a fire marshal's not here, right? 'Cause otherwise we'd be in trouble.
Okay, you go have sex now.
It's fine, it's fine.
I got no responsibilities.
Spill red wine on my rug.
Clog my toilet.
Stick your dirty fingers in the ice machine in my new refrigerator, huh? Wait.
Wait.
No.
Someone dented my new refrigerator? Okay! Young people are the worst! - Attention! - (music stops playing) If you are too young to have watched the original Full House, get out! Oh, my God.
Nick at Nite doesn't count.
Get out.
Just go.
Go.
Get out.
That is mine.
Monsters.
- Go.
Go.
Get out! - (door shuts) Oh, my God, I can't believe I ruined your good-bye party.
I continue to be horrible.
Seriously, if I weren't me, I wouldn't talk to me.
Yeah, you were pretty terrible.
And a very unconvincing young person.
Like, were you born 40? (sighs) The thing is, when you told me your good news, I wanted to be happy for you, but instead I just felt self-hating and competitive, which I know is wrong.
But I feel behind.
You know, you guys have everything all set.
You got it all figured out.
VALENCIA: Set? (laughs) I'm nervous as hell.
I'm going to a new city and a new job with a new relationship.
- I'm hella scared.
- Yeah, me, too.
I hate a commute.
And also, randomly I'm married? Like, what? (laughter) God, I'm so sorry for being so selfish.
You were heinous, but everyone's frizzy sometimes.
Is it frizzy or fizzy? What? It doesn't matter.
I made it up, and it somehow took off.
God.
I really backslid this week.
I guess I got to up my therapy sessions and go back to group.
I haven't been to group in a long time.
Look, Rebecca, I get why you're down on yourself.
But I mean, honestly, I can't picture what my life would be like without you.
I never would have met Hector, a-and I wouldn't have gone for my supercool corporate job.
VALENCIA: Yeah, and if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have my cool job and awesome girlfriend if you hadn't broken up me and Josh.
PAULA: Yeah, and I wouldn't be anywhere near law school, so duh.
Because of me? Really? Mm-hmm.
So we forgive you.
- For a lot.
- A lot.
Actually, can I ask you a favor? Will you take temporary custody of Estrella? She and Hector don't get along, and she's so happy here.
(voice breaking): You would trust me with your starfish? Heather, I will guard her with my life.
(sighs) Oh, my God, I love you guys so much.
And we'll-we'll we'll keep in touch, right? PAULA: Oh, of course we will.
I mean, definitely we will.
Not like you guys are moving to Botswana.
- Wow, is that really where he's going? - Yeah.
Yeah.
I looked on a globe, - and it's, like, you know, here.
- VALENCIA: Oh, Paula.
I'm so s Excited for him and for you.
Paula, you know that we love you and we're here for you.
Yeah, I know.
We'll all be here for each other.
Yeah, girl group is "forevah.
" - And "evah.
" - And "evah.
" - And "evah.
" - Cheers.
(chuckles) Well I should go, because I only have a little time left with him.
So (groans) No, no, no.
Good night.
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
And now she's stuck with Tommy.
You gonna be okay? Oh, yeah.
It's just amazing that this is how everything turned out.
- Yeah.
- I mean, you're everything I ever hoped you would be, but nothing like I actually thought you would be.
What, Mom? (quiet keyboard intro plays) You stand before me A man fully grown Ready to take on the world Heading out on your own You're now so thoughtful Strong and wise I'm proud But I'm also surprised 'Cause I always never believed in you I never gave up giving up on you Deep inside I always knew That you'd eventually never come through Not for a second did I think You wouldn't end up dead or in the clink For possession or assault or worse It's true 'Cause I've always never believed in you The moment you were born They placed you in my arms And I looked into your eyes and thought "Well, that's a murderer" I thought at best You might barely manage And it would be my job To try to mitigate the damage 'Cause I've always never believed in you I never once doubted doubting you With every opportunity that you blew All my worst fears just kept coming true You never were a teacher's pet But you did kill a teacher's pet With every horrifying thing You'd say or do (laughs) I continued to never believe in you Some people are destined to fly high Others just get really, really high Some people reach for the stars Some just reach for the panel in the ceiling Where they keep their drugs I held out no hope For so long But now I admit I got you all wrong 'Cause now I actually believe in you No longer have a total lack of faith in you Apparently there are things you can do You're full of potential, and no one knew Allow me to tip my hat to you, sir 'Cause you're no longer a total loser It feels strange to say it But it's true I weirdly, shockingly Completely believe In you I believe, I believe, I believe In you Yes, I do Yes I do.
It'll be okay.
(both laugh) I love you, Mom.
I love you, too.