Dad's Army (1968) s04e05 Episode Script
Don't Fence Me In
Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think we're on the run? We are the boys who will stop your little game We are the boys who will make you think again 'Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Yes.
Yes, I realise that, sir.
But I can't ask my men to do that.
They're front-line fighting troops.
They're fighting fit.
Can't wait to have a go at Jerry.
I Just a moment.
Wilson, do you mind not rustling that paper when I'm on the telephone? So sorry, sir.
Sorry about that, sir.
Yes, I'll ask them, but I warn you, they're not going to like it.
Very well.
- Everything all right, sir? - No, it's not.
We've been taken off active duty for two weekends.
Good.
We'll have a little free time.
No time off.
We're going to be guarding a prisoner of war camp.
The guards have had no leave for months.
We're going to relieve them for two weekends.
That means at last we'll come face-to-face with real Nazis.
They're not Nazis, Wilson.
They're Italians.
The point is, if Hitler kicks off over the next two weekends we shan't be here to stop him.
We'll be playing nursemaid to comic-opera soldiers.
Give me land, lots of land Under starry skies above - Have them halt here, Sergeant.
- Right, sir.
Platoon, halt! Left turn.
Stand at ease.
Stand easy.
Now, pay attention, men.
The prisoner of war camp is round the corner.
There are 60 Italian prisoners of war in there.
It goes without saying, they'll be a sloppy bunch.
And when we march through those gates, I want them to see what really smart British soldiers look like.
- You all got that? - (ALL) Yes, sir.
Right.
Now, don't forget .
.
chests out, chins in, marching smartly to attention.
Squad, attention.
Slope arms.
Right turn.
By the left, quick march.
Left, left, left, right, left.
Left, left.
Platoon, halt! - Do you think this is the place, Wilson? - Mm? Well, I suppose it's quitepossible.
- Better fall the men out.
- Right, sir.
Would you Would you mind falling out, please? This is absurd.
Whoever heard of a prisoner of war camp without a guard? - Nobody up there? - Not unless he's kneeling down.
- Watch it, Wilson.
- Try ringing the doorbell, sir - Oh, don't talk nonsense.
- .
.
see if anybody comes.
POW camps don't have doorbells.
Hit that tin thing.
See if anybody hears us.
Ah.
That's good thinking.
This is ridiculous, I Anyone there? Is anybody there? (MAINWARING) I say! I don't like the look of this, Mr Mainwaring.
It's just like ''Beau Geste''.
When the relief column got to the fort, they looked up at the walls and they were lined with legionnaires.
They were all dead.
Then the captain shouted, ''Anybody there?'', just like you.
Next minute, he was flat on his face in the sand with a bullet in his brain.
Stupid boy.
That wasn't ''Beau Geste''.
That was Bow Legs.
Look, sir.
There's somebody coming out of that hut.
Hey, you! He's ignoring us.
Hey! Hey, you! Yes, you.
Come here.
Now, what's going on here? This all looks very fishy to me.
Who is in charge here? Whoisinch? - Anybody here speak Italian? - I do a little, sir.
Che gelida manina.
Se la lasci riscaldar.
What did you say to him? Your tiny hand is frozen.
(DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - Why did you say that? - It's all the Italian I know, sir.
I'm very keen on opera.
This is ridiculous.
Open.
Open.
Open.
Ah.
Si.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this, Wilson.
(MAINWARING) Make sure that man doesn't escape.
(MUSIC: ''O SOLE MIO'' BY EDUARDO DI CAPUA) What are you doing? - Buongiorno.
- Who on earth are you? Io? Mi chiamo Franco Bruno Otello Monteverdi.
Never mind all that stuff You should stand when an officer comes into the room.
Perche? You are only a capitano.
You should stand up for me, because I am a generale.
- General? - Si, Generale Franco Bruno Otello Montever Don't start all that stuff again.
Where are the guards who are supposed to be in charge of this camp? - They go.
- Go? Yes, for a little holiday.
Si.
The police capitano left for you un piccolo biglietto.
- See what it says.
- Right, sir.
''Forgive, please.
We go.
''We catch 1.
30 train to London, otherwise we miss our endweek leave.
'' - That's nice, isn't it, ''endweek leave''? - Get on with it.
''Don't worry at the Italian prisoners.
They're quite tame and they work on farms in the week.
''See you Sunday night at 20.
00 hours.
'' - That's eight o'clock, sir.
- Yes, yes.
I know what time it is.
- Who signed it? - Captain Shodski, the Free Polish Forces, sir.
I've never heard anything like this.
If you set one lot of foreigners to look after another lot, this is what happens.
It's outrageous.
I'll report this Captain Shodski to GHQ.
- Have you got a telephone? Telephone? - Si, telefono.
Is in the guard room.
But non vi preoccupate, Capitano.
Everything is been I've looked after everything very good until you have arrived.
That's not the point.
You're a prisoner of war.
We're enemies.
No, no, is not true.
Siamo amici.
We are friends, Capitano.
I have refused to fight against the inglesi.
Let me tell you something.
When I was in Africa, in the deserto, I put up my hands and surrendered.
All right.
But personal feelings don't enter into this.
You're a POW.
I represent His Majesty's Government.
From now on I'm going to see that this camp is run properly.
And without any familiarity.
Oh.
Get the men to fall out, sir? - Yes, carry on, Corporal.
- Sir.
Hey, Joe! How are you, Joe? - Knock it off.
You don't know me.
- No, you are my big friend.
- What's going on here? - That's the continental method, sir.
- Walker, do you know this man? - Which one? Oh, him.
No, I've never seen him before in all my life.
No, I have never seen him before in his life.
It all looks very queer to me.
Yes.
Now, look here.
I've had about enough of this foreign nonsense.
From now on, this place is going to be run according to my likes.
According to the book.
Right.
What are these men doing in bed? - They are in a bed for the siesta.
- Sie.
.
? We'll soon see about that.
Come on, on your feet, all of you.
- Come on.
- (WILSON) Quick as you can, please.
Get Pike, Godfrey and Walker in here.
At once.
- Everybody up, come on.
- Capitano, please! Don't wake them up, because they have worked very hard all the week on the farms.
Well, I've been working very hard all the week in my bank.
You don't catch me spending my leisure hours in bed.
I'm up and about, defending my country.
Si, capito.
And they would be defending their country, only it's too far away.
Oh, poppycock.
Come on, get up.
(MONTEVERDI) Can you not stop him? (WILSON) Let me go.
(MAINWARING) Take your hands off him.
(WILSON) What are you doing?! This place is a shambles.
Why aren't these men wearing POW uniforms? Because they are very proud men.
They like to wear their own uniform.
Molto elegante.
Look how much more smart.
(JONES) Left, right, left, right.
Squad, halt.
Right turn.
All present men are correct, sir.
Thank you, Corporal.
You see, General.
That's what real soldiers look like.
Ah, Capitano.
I keep telling you.
We don't wanna look like real soldier.
We are not enemies.
Until I receive orders to the contrary, we are enemies.
You'd better do something about it.
You're not even trying.
- You could at least make some effort.
- Capitano, you are very hard man.
I have to be, otherwise we'd all be under the Nazi jackboot by now.
Frazer, Pike, Godfrey, Walker? Get the rest of the men.
Get them on the parade ground at the double.
Right turn.
At the double, quick march.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
- Signore? - No, grazie.
- Capitano, vi piace un pomodoro? - Don't be disgusting.
Get out of it.
- Now.
Corporal? - Sir? Get these men onto the parade ground and count them.
- There should be 60 altogether.
- Sir.
Right, come on, then.
On the move, now.
Come on.
On the move.
Right On the Oh, it's like that, is it? Right, we'll see about that.
Come on, on the move.
Hup! Hup! Come on, now.
Come on, boys.
You see, sir.
That's the only language they understand.
They don't like it up 'em.
They do not like it up 'em.
- That's the stuff, Corporal.
Jolly good.
- Hup! Hup! Come on, now, boys.
- Excellent, don't you think? - Yes, I do, sir.
Capitano, you are very cruel man.
You don't think I'm enjoying this, do you? - Corporal? - Sir? - Line 'em up and start counting them.
- Very good, sir.
Come on.
Line up, you lot.
- Corporal Jones will tell us if any are missing.
- It'll be difficult.
They all look alike to me.
No, it's the Chinese that look all alike.
Like Chinese.
- These look alike, like, uh, likeItalians.
- Yes.
(JONES) 22, 23, 24, 25 (FRAZER) 46, 47, 48, 49, 50 (JONES) Why don't you shut up? I can't do it properly.
(FRAZER) Can I help it if you're utterly illiterate? Anyway, I've counted them all.
They're all there.
(JONES) Well, I can't help that.
I've got to start again.
- .
.
two, three, four.
- Corporal? I've only got as far as four, sir.
- Never mind.
Stop counting.
Give 'em some drill.
- Very good, sir.
Some drill, sir.
Now's your chance to see a really first-class British NCO in action.
He'll soon lick some shape into your chaps.
(JONES) Squad, attentionI Quick march.
Quick march.
Qui Oh.
Soldati avanti.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Squad, haltI Squad, halt.
(SOLDIERS CONTINUE MARCHING) Mr Mainwaring, what's the Italian for ''halt''? (CRASH) Oh, never mind.
It's too late now.
.
.
at the Ritz And a nightingale sang (TUTS) I've never heard anything so stupid in all my life.
Squeezing us all in here like this.
Captain Mainwaring's orders, innit? He told us we'd got to stay here so he can lay his hands upon me in signs of trouble.
Anyway, the rest of the platoon, they're patrolling the wire.
I've had enough of this.
I'm going down.
Wait a minute.
We've gotta stay here until we're relieved.
Well, I've gotta be relieved now.
I can't wait.
All right, then, but don't be long.
Move round.
Excuse me, Mr Jones.
Could I be excused as well? Oh, all right.
Help him down the stairs, somebody.
(WALKER) I'll give you a hand.
(JONES) Move round.
All right.
I've been looking for you.
Where you been? Listen, I gotta get your blokes out tonight, as arranged.
No, Joe, is not all right.
Is too dangerous.
And this capitano, Mainwaring, is watching all the time.
Don't worry.
We'll get 'em out through the escape tunnel.
No, no, no.
Is too dangerous.
I get shot.
What about me? If I don't fulfil my orders, it's the end of me.
Si, possibly you are right, Joe.
Without you our cause would be lost.
You remember that.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go into Walmington, pick up the van, bring it back.
I'll park it in the road outside the wire.
You get your blokes out through the escape tunnel into the van.
I don't like it.
All you've got to do is get those radio sets working by morning.
Right.
TTFN.
Come TT? - Ciao.
- Oh, si, ciao.
Eh! I don't like it.
(SIGHS) Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
- What time is it, Wilson? - Five to twelve, sir.
We've been here for two hours.
Nothing's happened.
I don't think he's going to try it tonight, after all.
Believe me, Wilson, I know the criminal mind.
- Walker will reveal himself sooner or later.
- (WILSON) Mm.
- Godfrey? - Yes.
You sure it was tonight he was helping the prisoners escape? Yes.
He said he had to fulfil his orders, get them out through the tunnel, and in a van.
And they had to get the radios working by morning.
I still find it hard to believe that Walker's a fifth columnist.
Oh, I can believe it.
I've always said that spiv fellow was no good.
No doubt about it.
No doubt at all.
He's been a friend of mine for years.
And to think all this time I've been harbouring a viper between my bosoms.
I should have suspected something as soon as that general flung his arms around his neck.
A true-blue Britisher would've repelled him instantly.
If only we knew where that escape tunnel was.
Permission to speak, sir.
I got an idea, sir.
Why don't I dress myself up as an Italian prisoner of war? I can mingle among them.
And when they go down the tunnel, I can go alongside with them.
And then, all of a sudden, at a certain point, I can stick my bayonet up through the ground.
You can come walking nonchalantly along, perhaps, and you'll espy it.
And, therefore, you'll know the whereabouts of where the tunnel is.
Didn't you hear what I said, sir? Yeah.
Look, sir.
What's that there? That's Walker.
Get down in case he sees us.
Right.
Now we go down, and we'll follow him.
Right, Wilson.
When I give the word, we rush in and catch him red-handed.
All right, sir.
Now, stand by.
Now.
Right, Walker.
The game's up.
Come on Nobody here, Wilson.
They must've gone down through the tunnel.
We'd better find it.
It's under these floorboards somewhere.
- Sorry.
- I beg your pardon, sir.
There it is.
Good heavens, Pike.
How on earth did you know it was there? We saw it in that film ''Escape From Stalag Nine'', didn't we, Uncle Arthur? That's right, we did.
It wasn't one of my favourites.
There was What was his name? That Konrad, German actor.
All the women went potty Oh, never mind all that stuff.
- Wilson? - Yes, sir.
You take Godfrey and Frazer and guard the other end of the tunnel.
If it comes in a straight line, then it should come up about 100 yards left of the main gate.
Oh, yes.
Right, come on, then.
We've got to be careful The rest of you, come with me.
Follow me.
- What are doing? - Helping you down, sir.
Hurry up.
We haven't got all night.
I'll soon have you away.
(FRAZER YELLS) (WALKER) You wouldn't (FRAZER) Traitor! What you talking about? Don't shoot, don't shoot! No, I'm not going to shoot.
Shooting's too good for you.
We're gonna string you up on the hanging tree, the hanging tree! Walker, really, this is Isn't it? It really is too bad.
You all gone barmy or something? Don't try and wriggle out of it, you worm! - Mr Walker, why ever did you do it? - Eh? Do what? It's no use, Walker.
We know you're trying to help these prisoners escape.
Escape? What are you talking about? I'm only putting them on the night shift.
- On the night shift? - Yeah.
Down in one of my sheds.
I pick 'em up at night and take 'em back early in the morning.
They're helping me assemble radio parts.
- Well, how long has this been going on? - For months.
It's hard to get labour these days.
I'm gonna go broke if I don't fulfil the orders.
Oh, those orders.
I better tell Captain Mainwaring.
I think he's still in that tunnel.
- Push harder, Jones.
- Sir, I am pushing.
Put your back into it, Pikey.
- I can't.
I'm in the wrong position.
- (THEY GRUNT) (JONES) What's that? (PIKE) Me head.
I can only use that.
- Who's that? - Me, sir.
Ah, you, Wilson.
Did you catch Walker? Yes, sir.
He's not a fifth columnist.
He was just taking the prisoners of war out to make radio sets.
- To what? - Yes, radio sets, sir.
I'll have him court-martialled for this.
- Look here.
Wilson, I'm stuck.
- Right, sir.
- Lend a hand, will you? - All right, sir.
I've got you, sir.
- Right.
Now, when I say ''pull'', pull.
- Right.
- Pull! - (THEY GRUNT) Jones! Jones, what are you doing? I'm pulling, sir.
You said ''pull'', didn't you? - You don't pull, you push.
- Oh, right, sir.
Right, push.
(THEY GRUNT) - Wilson! You don't push, you pull.
- I'm sorry.
You pull, Jones pushes.
Understand? - Yes, I do, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Yes.
- All right.
Now push.
Pull.
Push.
Pull.
Lookrest.
Rest, rest.
I've got an idea, sir.
Why don't we do it like as if we're unblocking a drain? Listen, would youuh, would you like us to do that? Do anything you like, but get on with it.
Now, listen here, men.
Mr Mainwaring is the obstruction.
We're gonna work him up and down until it's unblocked.
Right? - Right, Pike, are you ready? - Yeah.
- Mr Wilson, you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.
(JONES) Forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards Stop! Let's have a rest.
(WILSON CHUCKLES) Oh, dear.
What are you laughing at, Wilson? I just remembered, sir.
WinnieWinnie-the-Pooh.
- Winnie-the-Pooh? - Don't you remember? Winnie, you know, he had so much honey he got fat, and got stuck in a hole.
They had to wait a week for him to get a bit thinner, so that he could free himself.
Do you understand? Very amusing, Wilson.
- Now get on with it.
- Right, sir.
Right.
- (JONES) Permission to do something to you, sir.
- Yes, what is it? This.
I'm sorry, sir, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
You all right? There we are, sir.
You all right now? Take your hands off me, Walker.
I'll deal with you later.
- Just a minute, sir.
- (CAR APPROACHING) There's a car drawing up at the gates.
- (MAN) Halt.
Who goes there? - Captain Bailey from GHQ.
- You hear that, sir? It's Captain Bailey.
- What does he want? Perhaps he came about the call you made to GHQ earlier on.
Good Lord, I'd forgotten all about that.
Wilson, get the prisoners out of that van, back through the tunnel and into the hut.
I'll keep Captain Bailey away from the hut as long as possible.
Right.
Frazer, Jones and Pike, you come with me.
Sir.
Look, open the gate.
I want to speak to Captain Mainwaring.
Good evening, sir.
Look here, Mainwaring.
What's all this about Captain Shodski clearing off and leaving no one on guard? A storm in a teacup, sir.
I've sorted it all out.
I see.
Have you checked all the prisoners? Yes, I counted them.
There were exactly 60.
And I counted 60, too.
Well, not 62.
60, also.
And I counted 'em as well, sir.
60.
- I wanted to count 'em.
- Be quiet, Pike.
Right.
Now I'm going to count them.
Come on.
- I shouldn't go in that hut, sir.
- Why not? Well, sir, it's not a very nice hut, sir.
It's not a Why don't you go in one of these more highly pleasant huts, sir? I don't want to go into one of those huts.
Come on.
Oh, right, sir.
Where is everybody? I told you, sir.
They're in other huts.
Th-they're in more highly pleasant huts, sir.
- This isn't a very nice hut.
- What's the matter with it? Well, it's You know, it's got the minge.
The snow The roof leaks.
The snow comes through.
What? In July?! Well, if it was December it'd probably come through.
Oh! Do forgive me sitting down in the presence of officers, - but I'm not as young as I was.
- I quite understand.
Yes, yes, quite.
(IN RAISED VOICE) Ah, Mr Bailey.
Nice to have Mr Bailey here, isn't it, Mr Mainwaring? Very nice to have him here.
And Mr Bailey has got two military policemen with him.
Why are you shouting? I have to do a lot of that, you see.
Keeps the men on their toes.
- I see.
- Yes, sir.
I want you to get hold of all the POWs and send them through.
- I want to count them.
- Yes, right you are.
Captain Mainwaring, you look tired.
Why don't you sit down on the, uh? Thank you very much.
Now, I'm going to bring the prisoners through.
I'm going to bring them right through here.
Yes, sir.
Bring them through here, sir.
And there's going to be exactly 60, sir.
(JONES) Come along, Pike.
Come along, Frazer.
Now, that was a right daft thing to say.
How can we send 60 prisoners through? - 20 are missing.
- Didn't you ever go to the pantomime? - I get you.
''Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves''.
- Shh.
What are you talking about? ''Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves'', they sent the prisoners round and round.
- It'll never work.
It'll never work! - Course it will.
Shut up and get 'em lined up.
It's no good, Sergeant.
I can't shift it.
Let's have a rest.
We'll try again later on.
I want to get this over with.
I don't like being called out in the middle of the night.
If it hadn't been for you, we wouldn't be here.
Don't worry.
We'll try it again later when we feel more fresh.
Here, have a fag.
It won't be long now, sir.
(IN RAISED VOICE) No smoking, if you don't mind, sir.
No smoking! - What are you talking about? I'm not smoking.
- No, sir, but if you were, we'd sooner you didn't.
- Please don't shout, Corporal.
- Sorry, sir.
- Sir, prisoners are ready for counting.
- Thank God.
Send them through.
Right, send 'em through, Pikey.
Send the prisoners through.
(JONES) Here they come, sir.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, All right.
Send the next lot through.
Right, Pikey.
You send the next troop through.
Right.
Chop, chop! (PIKE) Come on.
Chop, chop! Chop, chop! (JONES) .
.
26, 28, 30, - There you are, sir.
40 through now.
- Only 20 more to come.
Yes.
Right, there's only 20 more, mind you, Pikey.
Mainwaring, all these Italians seem to me to be alike.
I know.
It's the same with the Chinese.
There we are, sir.
There's 60, sir.
60 prisoners.
Correct.
So, they're all accounted for.
Oh, ooh, oh! .
.
62, 63 .
.
64, 65
21 But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun So who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler If you think old England's done? Yes.
Yes, I realise that, sir.
But I can't ask my men to do that.
They're front-line fighting troops.
They're fighting fit.
Can't wait to have a go at Jerry.
I Just a moment.
Wilson, do you mind not rustling that paper when I'm on the telephone? So sorry, sir.
Sorry about that, sir.
Yes, I'll ask them, but I warn you, they're not going to like it.
Very well.
- Everything all right, sir? - No, it's not.
We've been taken off active duty for two weekends.
Good.
We'll have a little free time.
No time off.
We're going to be guarding a prisoner of war camp.
The guards have had no leave for months.
We're going to relieve them for two weekends.
That means at last we'll come face-to-face with real Nazis.
They're not Nazis, Wilson.
They're Italians.
The point is, if Hitler kicks off over the next two weekends we shan't be here to stop him.
We'll be playing nursemaid to comic-opera soldiers.
Give me land, lots of land Under starry skies above - Have them halt here, Sergeant.
- Right, sir.
Platoon, halt! Left turn.
Stand at ease.
Stand easy.
Now, pay attention, men.
The prisoner of war camp is round the corner.
There are 60 Italian prisoners of war in there.
It goes without saying, they'll be a sloppy bunch.
And when we march through those gates, I want them to see what really smart British soldiers look like.
- You all got that? - (ALL) Yes, sir.
Right.
Now, don't forget .
.
chests out, chins in, marching smartly to attention.
Squad, attention.
Slope arms.
Right turn.
By the left, quick march.
Left, left, left, right, left.
Left, left.
Platoon, halt! - Do you think this is the place, Wilson? - Mm? Well, I suppose it's quitepossible.
- Better fall the men out.
- Right, sir.
Would you Would you mind falling out, please? This is absurd.
Whoever heard of a prisoner of war camp without a guard? - Nobody up there? - Not unless he's kneeling down.
- Watch it, Wilson.
- Try ringing the doorbell, sir - Oh, don't talk nonsense.
- .
.
see if anybody comes.
POW camps don't have doorbells.
Hit that tin thing.
See if anybody hears us.
Ah.
That's good thinking.
This is ridiculous, I Anyone there? Is anybody there? (MAINWARING) I say! I don't like the look of this, Mr Mainwaring.
It's just like ''Beau Geste''.
When the relief column got to the fort, they looked up at the walls and they were lined with legionnaires.
They were all dead.
Then the captain shouted, ''Anybody there?'', just like you.
Next minute, he was flat on his face in the sand with a bullet in his brain.
Stupid boy.
That wasn't ''Beau Geste''.
That was Bow Legs.
Look, sir.
There's somebody coming out of that hut.
Hey, you! He's ignoring us.
Hey! Hey, you! Yes, you.
Come here.
Now, what's going on here? This all looks very fishy to me.
Who is in charge here? Whoisinch? - Anybody here speak Italian? - I do a little, sir.
Che gelida manina.
Se la lasci riscaldar.
What did you say to him? Your tiny hand is frozen.
(DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - Why did you say that? - It's all the Italian I know, sir.
I'm very keen on opera.
This is ridiculous.
Open.
Open.
Open.
Ah.
Si.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this, Wilson.
(MAINWARING) Make sure that man doesn't escape.
(MUSIC: ''O SOLE MIO'' BY EDUARDO DI CAPUA) What are you doing? - Buongiorno.
- Who on earth are you? Io? Mi chiamo Franco Bruno Otello Monteverdi.
Never mind all that stuff You should stand when an officer comes into the room.
Perche? You are only a capitano.
You should stand up for me, because I am a generale.
- General? - Si, Generale Franco Bruno Otello Montever Don't start all that stuff again.
Where are the guards who are supposed to be in charge of this camp? - They go.
- Go? Yes, for a little holiday.
Si.
The police capitano left for you un piccolo biglietto.
- See what it says.
- Right, sir.
''Forgive, please.
We go.
''We catch 1.
30 train to London, otherwise we miss our endweek leave.
'' - That's nice, isn't it, ''endweek leave''? - Get on with it.
''Don't worry at the Italian prisoners.
They're quite tame and they work on farms in the week.
''See you Sunday night at 20.
00 hours.
'' - That's eight o'clock, sir.
- Yes, yes.
I know what time it is.
- Who signed it? - Captain Shodski, the Free Polish Forces, sir.
I've never heard anything like this.
If you set one lot of foreigners to look after another lot, this is what happens.
It's outrageous.
I'll report this Captain Shodski to GHQ.
- Have you got a telephone? Telephone? - Si, telefono.
Is in the guard room.
But non vi preoccupate, Capitano.
Everything is been I've looked after everything very good until you have arrived.
That's not the point.
You're a prisoner of war.
We're enemies.
No, no, is not true.
Siamo amici.
We are friends, Capitano.
I have refused to fight against the inglesi.
Let me tell you something.
When I was in Africa, in the deserto, I put up my hands and surrendered.
All right.
But personal feelings don't enter into this.
You're a POW.
I represent His Majesty's Government.
From now on I'm going to see that this camp is run properly.
And without any familiarity.
Oh.
Get the men to fall out, sir? - Yes, carry on, Corporal.
- Sir.
Hey, Joe! How are you, Joe? - Knock it off.
You don't know me.
- No, you are my big friend.
- What's going on here? - That's the continental method, sir.
- Walker, do you know this man? - Which one? Oh, him.
No, I've never seen him before in all my life.
No, I have never seen him before in his life.
It all looks very queer to me.
Yes.
Now, look here.
I've had about enough of this foreign nonsense.
From now on, this place is going to be run according to my likes.
According to the book.
Right.
What are these men doing in bed? - They are in a bed for the siesta.
- Sie.
.
? We'll soon see about that.
Come on, on your feet, all of you.
- Come on.
- (WILSON) Quick as you can, please.
Get Pike, Godfrey and Walker in here.
At once.
- Everybody up, come on.
- Capitano, please! Don't wake them up, because they have worked very hard all the week on the farms.
Well, I've been working very hard all the week in my bank.
You don't catch me spending my leisure hours in bed.
I'm up and about, defending my country.
Si, capito.
And they would be defending their country, only it's too far away.
Oh, poppycock.
Come on, get up.
(MONTEVERDI) Can you not stop him? (WILSON) Let me go.
(MAINWARING) Take your hands off him.
(WILSON) What are you doing?! This place is a shambles.
Why aren't these men wearing POW uniforms? Because they are very proud men.
They like to wear their own uniform.
Molto elegante.
Look how much more smart.
(JONES) Left, right, left, right.
Squad, halt.
Right turn.
All present men are correct, sir.
Thank you, Corporal.
You see, General.
That's what real soldiers look like.
Ah, Capitano.
I keep telling you.
We don't wanna look like real soldier.
We are not enemies.
Until I receive orders to the contrary, we are enemies.
You'd better do something about it.
You're not even trying.
- You could at least make some effort.
- Capitano, you are very hard man.
I have to be, otherwise we'd all be under the Nazi jackboot by now.
Frazer, Pike, Godfrey, Walker? Get the rest of the men.
Get them on the parade ground at the double.
Right turn.
At the double, quick march.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
- Signore? - No, grazie.
- Capitano, vi piace un pomodoro? - Don't be disgusting.
Get out of it.
- Now.
Corporal? - Sir? Get these men onto the parade ground and count them.
- There should be 60 altogether.
- Sir.
Right, come on, then.
On the move, now.
Come on.
On the move.
Right On the Oh, it's like that, is it? Right, we'll see about that.
Come on, on the move.
Hup! Hup! Come on, now.
Come on, boys.
You see, sir.
That's the only language they understand.
They don't like it up 'em.
They do not like it up 'em.
- That's the stuff, Corporal.
Jolly good.
- Hup! Hup! Come on, now, boys.
- Excellent, don't you think? - Yes, I do, sir.
Capitano, you are very cruel man.
You don't think I'm enjoying this, do you? - Corporal? - Sir? - Line 'em up and start counting them.
- Very good, sir.
Come on.
Line up, you lot.
- Corporal Jones will tell us if any are missing.
- It'll be difficult.
They all look alike to me.
No, it's the Chinese that look all alike.
Like Chinese.
- These look alike, like, uh, likeItalians.
- Yes.
(JONES) 22, 23, 24, 25 (FRAZER) 46, 47, 48, 49, 50 (JONES) Why don't you shut up? I can't do it properly.
(FRAZER) Can I help it if you're utterly illiterate? Anyway, I've counted them all.
They're all there.
(JONES) Well, I can't help that.
I've got to start again.
- .
.
two, three, four.
- Corporal? I've only got as far as four, sir.
- Never mind.
Stop counting.
Give 'em some drill.
- Very good, sir.
Some drill, sir.
Now's your chance to see a really first-class British NCO in action.
He'll soon lick some shape into your chaps.
(JONES) Squad, attentionI Quick march.
Quick march.
Qui Oh.
Soldati avanti.
Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Squad, haltI Squad, halt.
(SOLDIERS CONTINUE MARCHING) Mr Mainwaring, what's the Italian for ''halt''? (CRASH) Oh, never mind.
It's too late now.
.
.
at the Ritz And a nightingale sang (TUTS) I've never heard anything so stupid in all my life.
Squeezing us all in here like this.
Captain Mainwaring's orders, innit? He told us we'd got to stay here so he can lay his hands upon me in signs of trouble.
Anyway, the rest of the platoon, they're patrolling the wire.
I've had enough of this.
I'm going down.
Wait a minute.
We've gotta stay here until we're relieved.
Well, I've gotta be relieved now.
I can't wait.
All right, then, but don't be long.
Move round.
Excuse me, Mr Jones.
Could I be excused as well? Oh, all right.
Help him down the stairs, somebody.
(WALKER) I'll give you a hand.
(JONES) Move round.
All right.
I've been looking for you.
Where you been? Listen, I gotta get your blokes out tonight, as arranged.
No, Joe, is not all right.
Is too dangerous.
And this capitano, Mainwaring, is watching all the time.
Don't worry.
We'll get 'em out through the escape tunnel.
No, no, no.
Is too dangerous.
I get shot.
What about me? If I don't fulfil my orders, it's the end of me.
Si, possibly you are right, Joe.
Without you our cause would be lost.
You remember that.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna go into Walmington, pick up the van, bring it back.
I'll park it in the road outside the wire.
You get your blokes out through the escape tunnel into the van.
I don't like it.
All you've got to do is get those radio sets working by morning.
Right.
TTFN.
Come TT? - Ciao.
- Oh, si, ciao.
Eh! I don't like it.
(SIGHS) Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
- What time is it, Wilson? - Five to twelve, sir.
We've been here for two hours.
Nothing's happened.
I don't think he's going to try it tonight, after all.
Believe me, Wilson, I know the criminal mind.
- Walker will reveal himself sooner or later.
- (WILSON) Mm.
- Godfrey? - Yes.
You sure it was tonight he was helping the prisoners escape? Yes.
He said he had to fulfil his orders, get them out through the tunnel, and in a van.
And they had to get the radios working by morning.
I still find it hard to believe that Walker's a fifth columnist.
Oh, I can believe it.
I've always said that spiv fellow was no good.
No doubt about it.
No doubt at all.
He's been a friend of mine for years.
And to think all this time I've been harbouring a viper between my bosoms.
I should have suspected something as soon as that general flung his arms around his neck.
A true-blue Britisher would've repelled him instantly.
If only we knew where that escape tunnel was.
Permission to speak, sir.
I got an idea, sir.
Why don't I dress myself up as an Italian prisoner of war? I can mingle among them.
And when they go down the tunnel, I can go alongside with them.
And then, all of a sudden, at a certain point, I can stick my bayonet up through the ground.
You can come walking nonchalantly along, perhaps, and you'll espy it.
And, therefore, you'll know the whereabouts of where the tunnel is.
Didn't you hear what I said, sir? Yeah.
Look, sir.
What's that there? That's Walker.
Get down in case he sees us.
Right.
Now we go down, and we'll follow him.
Right, Wilson.
When I give the word, we rush in and catch him red-handed.
All right, sir.
Now, stand by.
Now.
Right, Walker.
The game's up.
Come on Nobody here, Wilson.
They must've gone down through the tunnel.
We'd better find it.
It's under these floorboards somewhere.
- Sorry.
- I beg your pardon, sir.
There it is.
Good heavens, Pike.
How on earth did you know it was there? We saw it in that film ''Escape From Stalag Nine'', didn't we, Uncle Arthur? That's right, we did.
It wasn't one of my favourites.
There was What was his name? That Konrad, German actor.
All the women went potty Oh, never mind all that stuff.
- Wilson? - Yes, sir.
You take Godfrey and Frazer and guard the other end of the tunnel.
If it comes in a straight line, then it should come up about 100 yards left of the main gate.
Oh, yes.
Right, come on, then.
We've got to be careful The rest of you, come with me.
Follow me.
- What are doing? - Helping you down, sir.
Hurry up.
We haven't got all night.
I'll soon have you away.
(FRAZER YELLS) (WALKER) You wouldn't (FRAZER) Traitor! What you talking about? Don't shoot, don't shoot! No, I'm not going to shoot.
Shooting's too good for you.
We're gonna string you up on the hanging tree, the hanging tree! Walker, really, this is Isn't it? It really is too bad.
You all gone barmy or something? Don't try and wriggle out of it, you worm! - Mr Walker, why ever did you do it? - Eh? Do what? It's no use, Walker.
We know you're trying to help these prisoners escape.
Escape? What are you talking about? I'm only putting them on the night shift.
- On the night shift? - Yeah.
Down in one of my sheds.
I pick 'em up at night and take 'em back early in the morning.
They're helping me assemble radio parts.
- Well, how long has this been going on? - For months.
It's hard to get labour these days.
I'm gonna go broke if I don't fulfil the orders.
Oh, those orders.
I better tell Captain Mainwaring.
I think he's still in that tunnel.
- Push harder, Jones.
- Sir, I am pushing.
Put your back into it, Pikey.
- I can't.
I'm in the wrong position.
- (THEY GRUNT) (JONES) What's that? (PIKE) Me head.
I can only use that.
- Who's that? - Me, sir.
Ah, you, Wilson.
Did you catch Walker? Yes, sir.
He's not a fifth columnist.
He was just taking the prisoners of war out to make radio sets.
- To what? - Yes, radio sets, sir.
I'll have him court-martialled for this.
- Look here.
Wilson, I'm stuck.
- Right, sir.
- Lend a hand, will you? - All right, sir.
I've got you, sir.
- Right.
Now, when I say ''pull'', pull.
- Right.
- Pull! - (THEY GRUNT) Jones! Jones, what are you doing? I'm pulling, sir.
You said ''pull'', didn't you? - You don't pull, you push.
- Oh, right, sir.
Right, push.
(THEY GRUNT) - Wilson! You don't push, you pull.
- I'm sorry.
You pull, Jones pushes.
Understand? - Yes, I do, sir.
I'm sorry, sir.
Yes.
- All right.
Now push.
Pull.
Push.
Pull.
Lookrest.
Rest, rest.
I've got an idea, sir.
Why don't we do it like as if we're unblocking a drain? Listen, would youuh, would you like us to do that? Do anything you like, but get on with it.
Now, listen here, men.
Mr Mainwaring is the obstruction.
We're gonna work him up and down until it's unblocked.
Right? - Right, Pike, are you ready? - Yeah.
- Mr Wilson, you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.
(JONES) Forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards Stop! Let's have a rest.
(WILSON CHUCKLES) Oh, dear.
What are you laughing at, Wilson? I just remembered, sir.
WinnieWinnie-the-Pooh.
- Winnie-the-Pooh? - Don't you remember? Winnie, you know, he had so much honey he got fat, and got stuck in a hole.
They had to wait a week for him to get a bit thinner, so that he could free himself.
Do you understand? Very amusing, Wilson.
- Now get on with it.
- Right, sir.
Right.
- (JONES) Permission to do something to you, sir.
- Yes, what is it? This.
I'm sorry, sir, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
You all right? There we are, sir.
You all right now? Take your hands off me, Walker.
I'll deal with you later.
- Just a minute, sir.
- (CAR APPROACHING) There's a car drawing up at the gates.
- (MAN) Halt.
Who goes there? - Captain Bailey from GHQ.
- You hear that, sir? It's Captain Bailey.
- What does he want? Perhaps he came about the call you made to GHQ earlier on.
Good Lord, I'd forgotten all about that.
Wilson, get the prisoners out of that van, back through the tunnel and into the hut.
I'll keep Captain Bailey away from the hut as long as possible.
Right.
Frazer, Jones and Pike, you come with me.
Sir.
Look, open the gate.
I want to speak to Captain Mainwaring.
Good evening, sir.
Look here, Mainwaring.
What's all this about Captain Shodski clearing off and leaving no one on guard? A storm in a teacup, sir.
I've sorted it all out.
I see.
Have you checked all the prisoners? Yes, I counted them.
There were exactly 60.
And I counted 60, too.
Well, not 62.
60, also.
And I counted 'em as well, sir.
60.
- I wanted to count 'em.
- Be quiet, Pike.
Right.
Now I'm going to count them.
Come on.
- I shouldn't go in that hut, sir.
- Why not? Well, sir, it's not a very nice hut, sir.
It's not a Why don't you go in one of these more highly pleasant huts, sir? I don't want to go into one of those huts.
Come on.
Oh, right, sir.
Where is everybody? I told you, sir.
They're in other huts.
Th-they're in more highly pleasant huts, sir.
- This isn't a very nice hut.
- What's the matter with it? Well, it's You know, it's got the minge.
The snow The roof leaks.
The snow comes through.
What? In July?! Well, if it was December it'd probably come through.
Oh! Do forgive me sitting down in the presence of officers, - but I'm not as young as I was.
- I quite understand.
Yes, yes, quite.
(IN RAISED VOICE) Ah, Mr Bailey.
Nice to have Mr Bailey here, isn't it, Mr Mainwaring? Very nice to have him here.
And Mr Bailey has got two military policemen with him.
Why are you shouting? I have to do a lot of that, you see.
Keeps the men on their toes.
- I see.
- Yes, sir.
I want you to get hold of all the POWs and send them through.
- I want to count them.
- Yes, right you are.
Captain Mainwaring, you look tired.
Why don't you sit down on the, uh? Thank you very much.
Now, I'm going to bring the prisoners through.
I'm going to bring them right through here.
Yes, sir.
Bring them through here, sir.
And there's going to be exactly 60, sir.
(JONES) Come along, Pike.
Come along, Frazer.
Now, that was a right daft thing to say.
How can we send 60 prisoners through? - 20 are missing.
- Didn't you ever go to the pantomime? - I get you.
''Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves''.
- Shh.
What are you talking about? ''Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves'', they sent the prisoners round and round.
- It'll never work.
It'll never work! - Course it will.
Shut up and get 'em lined up.
It's no good, Sergeant.
I can't shift it.
Let's have a rest.
We'll try again later on.
I want to get this over with.
I don't like being called out in the middle of the night.
If it hadn't been for you, we wouldn't be here.
Don't worry.
We'll try it again later when we feel more fresh.
Here, have a fag.
It won't be long now, sir.
(IN RAISED VOICE) No smoking, if you don't mind, sir.
No smoking! - What are you talking about? I'm not smoking.
- No, sir, but if you were, we'd sooner you didn't.
- Please don't shout, Corporal.
- Sorry, sir.
- Sir, prisoners are ready for counting.
- Thank God.
Send them through.
Right, send 'em through, Pikey.
Send the prisoners through.
(JONES) Here they come, sir.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, All right.
Send the next lot through.
Right, Pikey.
You send the next troop through.
Right.
Chop, chop! (PIKE) Come on.
Chop, chop! Chop, chop! (JONES) .
.
26, 28, 30, - There you are, sir.
40 through now.
- Only 20 more to come.
Yes.
Right, there's only 20 more, mind you, Pikey.
Mainwaring, all these Italians seem to me to be alike.
I know.
It's the same with the Chinese.
There we are, sir.
There's 60, sir.
60 prisoners.
Correct.
So, they're all accounted for.
Oh, ooh, oh! .
.
62, 63 .
.
64, 65