Daria s04e05 Episode Script

So why then are we constantly urging our students to win at all costs? We should be teaching them that failure is not the end of the world.
In fact it's often a stepping stone to success.
After his first attempts at flight failed, Wilbur Wright said that "not within a thousand years would man ever fly.
" It took Thomas Edison more than two thousand experiments before he invented the light bulb.
Failure is the signpost that points the way to success! Oh! Professor Bentley was so inspiring.
I can't believe how much I'm getting out of this seminar.
More than the $20 a meal per diem THE REST OF US ARE GETTING?! No, no, no no.
We're all getting the same amount.
And I think the $50 uh $20 that I'm,.
.
uh, we're getting is pretty generous.
I was especially intrigued by his notion of planting the seeds of tomorrow in the students of today.
I will wake up refreshed and ready to meet life's challenges.
I will wake up What if there's a Thomas Edison in my class just waiting to be nurtured and encouraged? Ahh! Well, good night, Anthony.
Umm, okay.
So class, your assignment is to pick something you know you'll fail at.
To prove that failing isn't the end of the world.
There goes my motivation.
Relax.
At least he's not making us guess people's identities by feeling their hands.
Again? Brittany, what is something you're sure you'd fail at? Umm, I don't think I could ever be unpopular.
Excellent! I'm right? It gets easier after the first time.
Brittany, you will fail at becoming unpopular.
Then I've already passed.
We'll talk later.
Who else wants to pick what they are going to fail at? Kevin, what about you? Me? I'm the QB So you're saying you'd fail at being a bad athlete? Good.
Very good.
Jodie? My parents make me spend my entire summer doing volunteer work that'll look good on my college application.
I'd never be able to get the summer off.
Perfect.
Mack? I could try teaching Kevin the three branches of American government.
Aw, come on.
I know that one.
Republican, umm Dominican and Aristocat! That's very good, Mack.
Hey! I'm the one who gave the answer! Now the rest of you, please.
Pick something to fail at; so you can put it to the test.
We're having a test, too? So, what are you going to fail at? Giving a damn? I could fail to see the merit of this assignment.
Or succeed in finding it a waste of time.
Maybe you should try failing at not being sarcastic.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Sandi, how long till the Teen Fashion Extravaganza opens at the mall? Five days, two hours, and twenty-three minutes.
God, Stacy.
Why don't you get a new watch -- one without a little cartoon loser pointing at the time? I can't wait for the extravaganza.
The come-buy-me smell of new clothes, the flashing lights of the fashion show, the crisp sound of tissue paper as it's wrapped around an Alpaca sweater with a matching silk tee.
Stop it, Quinn.
You're making my head spin.
My mouth it's watering.
I just picked what I'm gonna fail at -- getting Quinn grounded so she can't go to that thing.
Excellent.
This way, if I blow the assignment and Quinn is grounded, I still win.
Okay.
Now you've got to help me pick something to fail at.
Something really impressive that doesn't require any effort of any kind.
How about performing brain surgery on Kevin? I said, no effort.
Finding that brain could take weeks.
Then, umm how about being conventional? Looking and acting like everybody else.
It'll take you no time to fail at that.
What are you saying; I'm some kind of freak of nature? Define, "of nature.
" How much longer now, Sandi? Five days, two hours, and twenty-two minutes.
Um, you forgot to say the seconds.
Staa-cy! Next, we have reason number 17; Endangering a minor.
The Teen Fashion Extravaganza reinforces the false notion that all you need to survive is a credit card and a pair of ankle boots.
This misapprehension could prove fatal should Quinn ever find herself stranded in the wild.
Although, not if she's stranded in the Wild Pair.
You know I'm gonna fail at this.
They'll say Quinn has to learn by making her own mistakes outside the house.
Freeing up the phone for my mother's cavalcade of obsessive business calls.
I'm gonna head home.
I wanna see if they delivered my hydrocephalic skull replica.
Wait.
It's time for the moment of truth.
So, like do I look conventional, or whatever? Ahhh! Hey, Daria, you know that assignment for Mr.
O'Neill's class where I'm supposed to be unpopular? Well, I though you'd be the perfect person to ask for help, since you're so, umm smart.
Uh-huh.
So do you have any suggestions, since you know so much about, you know, stuff? Hmm.
Try talking about global concerns.
Mom, Dad, could I talk to you for a minute? Mmm.
Uh, huh.
I've worked hard this year, and I really need a break.
So I was thinking that instead of taking college prep classes, volunteering at the hospice, and being a camp counselor for special needs kids, I could take it easy.
Maybe even go to the beach.
Hmm.
That workload doesn't sound very realistic.
She forgot the 20-hour-a-week internship at the congressman's office.
Oh yeah.
Nope.
Out of the question.
Assignment completed What's that you're really stirring in your tea? Honey, or bee vomit? Animal secretions that make us say yum! Tonight, on Sick, Sad World.
Hey, Janey.
Listen to this.
"Since I've left your womb, I've spent life in a tomb.
" Does that work? I guess as uterine testimonials go, it's not bad.
Whoa.
What happened to you? Like don't you know fashion when you see it? Umm ? There's this assignment for school where we had to pick something we know we'd fail at, so I picked being conventional.
Oh.
What? I'm succeeding at failing.
"Succeeding to fail.
I'm on the third rail.
" Nope.
I still don't get it.
Yo.
Hey Tom.
Um don't abandon her now, man.
She needs you.
Why would I abandon .
She needs you.
Hey, fly boy.
Is that a teddy-bear backpack? Uh, huh.
Do you wanna test out my new lip-gloss? It's kiwi flavored.
Well I guess if I kissed you, at least my eyes would be closed.
Now having three branches of government allows for a system of checks and balances My dad had the wheels balanced on his El Camino yesterday.
He wrote a check.
Hey, when are we gonna get to the good stuff? I wanna know how they taught those Aristocats to play the piano.
Isn't it really, really great when our teachers come out like this to support the team? God, I hope they don't talk to us.
Oh my gosh! That reminds me.
Hey, um, did you know that, umm, there are more bio-rhythmical weapons than ever in the rain forests of Afghanistan and they blow up if you wear the wrong clothes? Eww.
Gross! Gee, Brit.
You're really acting icky today.
Gosh, Anthony, this is marvelous.
It's nice to see our students so enthusiastic and excited.
You mean, instead of the way we usually see them, wishing FERVENTLY for our DEATHS! Oh, look, Kevin.
Hello, Kevin.
Uh-oh.
He came to make sure I was doing my homework.
Ahh.
Okay.
Hike! Here you go.
What the hell did you do that for? He's checking up on me, bro.
Brittany, your boyfriend just threw an interception on purpose.
Well, um, that nothing compared to the working conditions for the laborers in the unexploded diamond mines.
What? You know what I think's wrong with Kevin? I think all you're yucky stories got to him.
I feel bad about Brittany.
It's like she's lost her way.
She does that all the time.
No, I mean like she's forgotten who she is.
Like I said This is a bad time for her to be acting weird.
I mean with Kevin playing so sucky and everything.
Oh, no.
Lisa.
Yes Angie.
Let's be honest -- Maybe it's time for some new faces on the cheerleading squad.
But I don't wanna get a new face.
Fresh new faces, fresh new attitude.
Hi, are you new in school? I'm Lisa.
This is Angie and Nikki.
We were just wondering.
Have you ever done any cheerleading? Cheerleading? Eric, I wonder if we could finish this at the office tomorrow.
My daughter just came home from school and I want to catch up with her.
Thanks.
Daria, perfect timing.
I think I can still catch our broker.
I enjoyed our time together.
What's this $230 at Cici's Boutique? And $50 at the Doo-Dad Store?! That reminds me -- If you see Quinn, tell her Cashman's called.
They said it's Cashman's Cashmereacle week and they have all kinds of creative new financing options they want to tell her about.
Cashmereacle?!! Did you hear that, Helen?! Look on the bright side -- she can't possibly get to Cashman's before Monday, since she'll be at the Teen Fashion Extravaganza this weekend.
Extravaganza? What extravaganza? Oh, it's nothing.
Just the spending event of the season for the under-twenty set.
Good God! Helen! Jake, calm down! Maybe she hasn't heard about it yet.
I could unplug the TV.
Black out the windows.
Where's Quinn right now? At the Teen Fashion Extravaganza Preferred Customer Preview.
Why do you ask? Gahhhh! That's it, Daria! Quinn's grounded! Jake, we can't punish Quinn when she hasn't done anything wrong.
Why not? I'll tell you what, Daria.
Since you're so concerned about Quinn's spending, why don't you go with her Saturday to help her keep it under control? But now I'm being punished when I haven't done anything wrong.
Nonsense.
Consider it a way to pay off this bill from the Anatomical Abnormalities Catalog.
Damn hydrocephalic skull replicas.
Eww! Let me guess.
A teen movie star choked on his gum.
That, or the cafeteria ran out of bendy straws again.
Good morning everyone.
I'm excited to hear how your assignments turned out.
Who'd like to start? Brittany? No.
Okay, then, uh Jodie? I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have the summer off.
Excellent.
And see, you learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it? No.
Um, How about you, Kevin? I'm a crappy athlete.
They threw me off the team.
So you succeeded at your assignment.
Succeeded? I lost the game! Good thing he has that physics scholarship to fall back on.
Oh dear.
Well I think you're all winners.
Those of you who failed, succeeded in completing the assignment.
And because those of you who unexpectedly succeeded, failed the assignment, you also succeeded in failing.
Isn't that great? Hey, I'm not just a loser, I'm dating a loser.
Now class, Remember; life's made up of peaks and valleys.
And just because you're temporarily caught in a valley um Class? You must be glad the assignment's over.
Now you can wash off the body glitter.
Nah.
I think I'm gonna stay conventional.
What? Why kid myself? It was easy to fit in, too easy.
Maybe I really am one of them.
Don't be ridiculous.
They want me for the squad.
I hope you mean the kind where you get a blindfold.
No, the kind that leads cheers.
And I'm gonna try out.
Have you lost your mind? I have to face my demons, Daria.
Maybe I'm not really an artist.
Maybe those insipid pom-pom wavers know me better than I know myself.
If I'm really meant to cheer, then so be it.
I'll hang up my easel, and devote my life to providing pep.
What's happened to you? Complete loss of confidence.
Oh and by the way, since this was your idea, I blame you.
Sorry about that.
But at least you know I'm being amply punished, spending my weekend researching faux-fur sweaters.
It's a small consultation, but I'll take it.
Oh, Kevie, my life is over.
Mine too, babe.
I'm the QB, no more.
That's right.
Oh no! I have to break up with you, because you're not popular enough to go out with anymore.
Uh, babe you're not popular either.
You mean, we can keep going out? Yeah.
Babe! Babe! Oh, Kevie be together popular.
Look man.
I know you were just doing your assignment.
I can't make any promises, but I'll try to set things straight with the team.
Thanks, Bro.
Brittany, I'm heading to the pep rally after school today.
I'll try to explain things to the cheerleaders before it starts.
You're welcome.
Kevin, the guys and I think you should have your uniform back.
Thanks.
I'll wear it at home when I watch the game on TV.
No, we mean you're back on the team.
I am? Cool! Just don't mess up again Don't mess it up, Man.
Thanks, Mack-Daddy.
Why do I think I just succeeded at failing? Rah, rah, rah! Go-o-o, team! Okay, now it's your turn.
Give it everything you've got.
Rah, rah, rah!! We're gonna beat YA!! Way to go, babe.
Thanks, babe.
Why is she just standing there? She must have stage fright.
Cheer, cheer, cheer.
Yell, yell, yell.
Who cares who wins? If my peppy doesn't work for you, I can always try my perky.
No, no.
That's okay.
No.
Woo-woo-woo! Yeah! Great.
Now what're we gonna do? You could let Brittany back on the squad.
But she's always talking about the starving referees, and stuff.
That was only for a class assignment.
Come on, look at her.
Is that the face of a thinker? Go, Cheerleaders! Okay, where's your evil twin? The aliens finished their experiments and let me return in her place.
How was the probe? Less intrusive, this time.
Babe, you wouldn't believe the cheerleader who auditioned yesterday.
She got scared and lost all her bouncity-bounce.
You had bouncity-bounce? Drop it.
Hello, class.
Um today we're going to do not do anything.
Why bother? Who knows what damage I might do this time? I just want to say that I'm a failure as a teacher, as a mentor, nay, as a human being.
Don't waste another minute listening to my misguided drivel, for I realize now, that my only talent lies in leading youth astray.
Please, go.
Alright! And when I went to get my notebook, Mr.
O'Neill was slumped over his desk, sobbing uncontrollably into his sweater-belt.
Wow.
If we were a different sort of young people, we might feel obligated to do something about this.
Fortunately, we don't have any motivation.
You do.
Huh? I can't believe we're doing this.
And aren't teacher's addresses confidential? Not when you've got the web.
Actually I just looked in the phone book, but "the web" sounds so cool.
Um, hi, Mr.
O'Neill.
Daria? Jane? Would you girls like some Saint John's Wart tea? A gem tincture? I can't.
I'm driving.
Um, we came by because we were a little concerned.
Very concerned.
We know you feel responsible because some of your students, or more specifically all of your students, got depressed over the assignment.
I'm a failure! But, your intentions were good, and no one got hurt.
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
That's what Ms.
Li's for.
Oh, girls, I appreciate your concern.
But the fact that you had to come here at all makes me feel like even more of a failure.
Look, you set yourself a task and you failed at it.
That's what you asked us to do, remember? Now finish the assignment.
Accept that failing is okay.
Yeah, by failing, you've succeeded.
What kind of psycho-babbly mumbo-jumbo is that? Oh, my gosh.
Jane, I'm so sorry.
For what? You mean, you girl's self-esteem isn't permanently scarred by my horrible assignment? No, not by that.
The students teach the teacher.
Daria, Jane, you should consider careers in motivational speaking.
Only if I don't have to do anything.
You've brought the sun back into my life.
How can I ever repay you? Well, now that you've mentioned it.
Do you have to walk so close to me? And in those shoes? Now, Quinn, you know it's my job to monitor your spending today.
Let's make it an adventure in moderation.
Ugh.
I can't believe Quinn tried to pass Mr.
O'Neill off as a professional fashion consultant.
Yeah.
What was she thinking? Poor Quinn.
It must be so humiliating to be seen in a mall with your teacher in front of all of your friends.
I know.
Come on.
We don't want to lose them.