Doug (1991) s04e05 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL--
SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY
INTO CLOTHES AND FASHION.
GREAT PANTS.
TOO BAGGY.
BUT I JUST WEAR
THE SAME OLD STUFF.
HEY, GUYS.
WHAT YOU
READING?
TEEN FAD
MAGAZINE.
NOTHING
YOU'D LIKE.
I WISH I WAS A TRENDSETTER
LIKE DYLAN FARNHAM
STAR OF THE HOTTES
NEW SHOW ON TV.
HEY! TEENHEART STREE
IS COMING ON.
( all gasp )
( squealing )
( "Teenheart" theme music )
EVERYBODY WATCHES
TEENHEART STREET.
OH, YOU'RE NOT WATCHING
THAT TRASHY SHOW?
Shut up, Trudi.
I'm never speaking
to you again.
Oh, like
I really care.
( crying )
DON'T YOU
REALIZE
YOU'RE FILLING
YOUR HEAD
WITH JUNK?
IT'S JUST A TOOL
FOR ENFORCING JUVENILE
CONFORMITY.
DON'T YOU REALIZE
THAT DYLAN FARNHAM
HAS ABSOLUTELY
NO TASTE?
Candy,
are you okay?
Do you want
to talk?
I REST MY CASE.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
( barks )
DYLAN FARNHAM
WEARING THE SAME CLOTHES AS ME!
I MUST BE A TRENDSETTER.
( rock music )
FASHION FLASH.
A NEW LOOK HAS HIT THE STREETS.
EVERYONE'S WEARING IT.
( camera shutters clicking )
( applause )
FROM THE CHICEST FASHION SHOWS
TO THE HOTTEST DOWNTOWN CLUB.
THIS SASSY NEW LOOK
IS SWEEPING THE NATION.
AND WHO'S THE SAVVY TRENDSETTER
BEHIND THE NEW LOOK?
LET'S GO MEET HIM.
UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO,
DOUG FUNNIE
WAS JUST AN AVERAGE STUDEN
AT THE BLUFFINGTON SCHOOL
BUT NOW FAME
HAS CHANGED THAT FOREVER.
HEY, DOUG.
MMM LOOKING GOOD.
Hostess:
DOUG FUNNIE, KING OF STYLE.
I DECIDED I WOULDN'
SAY ANYTHING.
I'D JUST WAIT AND SEE.
HEY, DOUG.
LOOKING GOOD.
THANKS, BEEBE.
THIS IS WEIRD.
SO YOU SAW THIS
WEEK'S EPISODE
OF TEENHEART STREET?
I LOVE THAT SHOW.
IT SPEAKS FOR THE CONCERNS
OF MY GENERATION.
YOU'VE GO
THE DYLAN
FARNHAM LOOK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
THE DYLAN FARNHAM LOOK?
THE DYLAN FARNHAM LOOK:
PUCE VEST, WHITE T-SHIR
AND FLOPPY BEIGE SHORTS.
BUT THIS
IS THE WAY I
ALWAYS DRESS.
OF COURSE.
YEAH,
RIGHT.
A REAL
FASHION
ANIMAL.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
Patti:
OH, DOUG, I THINK IT'S
A GREAT LOOK FOR YOU.
IT'S NOT A LOOK--
IT'S THE WAY I'VE
ALWAYS DRESSED.
IF YOU SAY SO, DOUG.
WATCH THE BASE LINE.
TWO POINTS.
YES!
( sighs )
I COULDN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT IT ALL DAY.
HEY, DOUG.
WHAT'S SHAKING?
SKEETER.
EVERYONE THINKS
I'M WEARING
THESE CLOTHES
TO COPY THIS
DYLAN FARNHAM GUY.
YOU MEAN
YOU AREN'T?
WHAT?
NO, I'VE ALWAYS WORN
THESE CLOTHES.
YOU'VE SEEN ME.
OH, I GUESS I NEVER NOTICED.
I DIDN'T PAY ANY ATTENTION.
BUT SKEETER, I
WHAT?
NEVER MIND.
WHAT?
I AM NOT COPYING
DYLAN FARNHAM.
I CAN PROVE IT.
WHAT IS
THIS ABOUT?
IT BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
I WANT TO GO SHOP.
I HEARD THERE ARE
GOING TO BE SNACKS.
AHEM
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING
WHY I'VE ASKED
YOU ALL HERE TODAY.
CERTAIN ACCUSATIONS
HAVE BEEN MADE.
ALL RIGHT,
I DID IT.
BIG DEAL.
DID WHAT, ROGER?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
NOTHING.
NEVER MIND.
GET TO THE POINT, DOUG.
I WANT TO PROVE TO YOU GUYS
THAT I AM NOT COPYING
DYLAN FARNHAM.
I HAVE ALWAYS DRESSED LIKE THIS
AND HERE'S THE PROOF.
( fanfare )
TA-DA!
YOU DRAGGED
US OVER HERE
JUST TO SHOW OFF
YOUR DYLAN FARNHAM
COLLECTION?
HEY, DOUG
I THINK
YOU'RE
LETTING
THIS DYLAN
FARNHAM THING
GET OU
OF HAND.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DRESS LIKE HIM
EVERY DAY.
( whimpering )
IT WAS CRAZY.
EVERYONE THOUGHT I WAS JUS
TRYING TO BE DYLAN FARNHAM.
OOPS.
OH, SHOOT.
CONNIE.
ARE YOU OKAY?
DO YOU WAN
TO TALK ABOUT IT?
( crying: )
PATTI, HELP!
WHAT IS IT,
CONNIE?
DOUG'S ACTING
WEIRD AGAIN.
OH, YEAH,
JUST IGNORE HIM.
HE THINKS HE'S
DYLAN FARNHAM.
( both laughing )
LOOK, CONNIE, SOMETIMES
WHEN WE'RE HUR
IT CAN BE HARD TO TALK ABOUT I
BUT I'LL ALWAYS
BE THERE FOR YOU.
Dylan:
I'M THERE FOR YOU.
DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
( ghoulish laughter )
IF I DIDN'T WANT TO BE CALLED
A DYLAN FARNHAM COPYCAT
I'D HAVE TO START WEARING
SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
WOW!
THERE WERE SO MANY STYLES,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
MAY I HELP YOU?
I'M LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING ORIGINAL.
( laughing )
OH, PARDON ME.
SOMETHING ORIGINAL?
I KNOW JUST THE THING.
HEY!
THE HIPPIE LOOK.
LIKE, GROOVY, MAN.
MY DAD WORE THIS STUFF
WHEN HE WAS IN COLLEGE.
AH, YOU WANT SOMETHING
MORE "NOW."
HEY! OUCH!
THE RAP LOOK.
WORD UP, BOY-EE.
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK
LIKE A RAP STAR.
YES, OF COURSE, SIR.
MAY I SUGGEST
( disco music )
DISCO MANIA, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY.
I DON'T WANT TO
SHAKE MY BOOTY.
WHAT IS GOING
ON HERE, MAN?
HE WANTS
SOMETHING
ORIGINAL.
SHOW HIM THE HIPPIE LOOK.
WHAT ABOU
LEATHER
JACKETS?
THE KIDS LOVE
LEATHER
JACKETS.
A NICE BOY
LIKE THIS.
HE NEEDS
A LEATHER
JACKET.
I SHOWED
HIM
CASHMERE--
THE PREPPIE
LOOK.
( all talking at once )
I THINK I CAN
SOLVE YOUR
PROBLEM.
IF YOU'LL
JUST ANSWER
A FEW QUESTIONS.
DO YOU LIKE THE MOUNTAINS
OR THE BEACH?
BOTH.
DO YOU JAYWALK?
I GUESS SO.
ARE YOU EASY TO LOVE?
WHAT?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO
WITH $1 MILLION?
BUT I HAVEN'T ANSWERED
YOUR LAS
QUESTION YET.
YES, I KNOW JUS
THE THING FOR YOU--
THE DYLAN
FARNHAM LOOK.
NO.
I KNOW WHAT I LIKE
AND I DON'T WANT WHAT I LIKE.
I WANT
OH, FORGET IT.
I'LL TAKE IT.
I'LL TAKE IT.
TAKE THAT, DYLAN FARNHAM.
YOU AND YOUR STUPID LOOK.
MOM SENT ME TO TELL
YOU DINNER'S READY.
WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
LIKE THAT?
I JUST WANTED TO WEAR SOMETHING
NOBODY EVER WORE BEFORE.
WELL, I HATE TO DISAPPOINT YOU
BUT THEY CALL I
THE "SCHIZO" LOOK.
NO!
I GIVE UP.
DOUG, PARDON
MY INSOUCIANCE
BUT WHY DO YOU CARE
IF YOU'RE
COPYING SOMEONE?
BECAUSE
I DIDN'T COPY
DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE THE ONLY
PERSON IN THE WORLD
WHO EVER WORE
A GREEN VEST?
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST STOP
WORRYING ABOUT IT?
WE'RE ALL
COPYING SOMEONE.
IF WE DIDN'T IMITATE OTHERS,
WE'D BE RUNNING AROUND
GRUNTING
AT EACH OTHER.
OH!
OH, I'VE JUS
HAD AN IDEA
FOR A PERFORMANCE PIECE.
OH, THIS'LL BE WOW!
THIS'LL BE EXTRAORDINARY.
WHY DO I CARE
IF I'M COPYING SOMEONE OR NOT?
YEAH, WHY DO I CARE?
I HAD HAD ENOUGH.
IT WAS TIME FOR ME
TO START ACTING LIKE ME.
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I'M WEARING THE
SO-CALLED DYLAN FARNHAM LOOK.
I LIKE TO
DRESS THIS WAY.
IF THAT MEANS
I'M TRENDY
THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
DIDN'T YOU SEE TEENHEAR
LAST NIGHT?
YOU'RE WEARING
LAST WEEK'S LOOK.
I AM?
I'M NOT TRENDY?
( whooping )
I'M NOT TRENDY.
I'M OUT OF DATE.
I'M UNHIP, I'M NOT COOL.
I'M SQUARE.
I'M BEAT, I'M LAME.
I'M OLD.
THE KEY TO CLOTHES
IS TO WEAR WHAT YOU LIKE
AND NOT WORRY ABOU
WHAT PEOPLE THINK--
AND I DON'T CARE WHAT'S
ON TEENHEART STREET.
Girl:
HEY, TEENHEAR
STREET IS COMING ON.
PORKCHOP, IT'S COMING ON.
( disco music )
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL--
I WAS WORKING ON MY SCULPTURE
FOR THE ART FESTIVAL
WHEN THE MAIL CAME.
THANKS, GEORGE.
ALL RIGHT.
ANYTHING
FOR ME, MOM?
WELL, YOU CAN OPEN
THIS IF YOU WANT.
IT'S JUS
JUNK MAIL.
"DEAR OCCUPANT--
YOU ARE A SEMIFINALIS
"IN THE PONZI
PUBLISHING SWEEPSTAKES
MAKING YOU ELIGIBLE TO WIN"
WHOO! THAT'S A LOT OF ZEROS.
THIS ISN'T JUNK.
OH, I COULD BE A ZILLIONAIRE.
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( yelps )
( barking )
I JUST GOT TO FINISH
THIS PUZZLE
SEND IT IN
I HOPE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOUR CHANCES ARE.
UH-HUH.
BUT LOOK-- WE'VE ALREADY
UNSCRAMBLED
ALL THE WORDS.
THIS PUZZLE
WAS REALLY TOUGH.
HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU THINK
CAN FIGURE THIS STUFF OUT?
42 YEARS, BERNARD.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S BEEN 42 YEARS
SINCE WE STARTED
THIS CONTES
AND NOBODY'S EVER WON.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUS
CALL IT QUITS.
NUTS!
I'LL NEVER CALL IT QUITS.
THERE MUST BE SOMEBODY
WHO CAN
( gasps )
WHAT IS IT, BERNARD?
GLORY BE, JASPER.
SOMEBODY'S DONE IT.
DOUG FUNNIE'S
WON THE CONTEST.
LET IN THE SUNSHINE.
OUR SEARCH
IS OVER.
( laughing wildly )
I MAILED IN THE PUZZLE
AND SPENT THE REST OF THE WEEK
ON MY SCULPTURE.
THE MAIL'S HERE!
THANKS,
MR. WILLIKERS.
"CONGRATULATIONS, DOUG FUNNIE!
"YOU HAVE MADE I
"TO THE SUPER SEMIFINALS.
JUST SEND THE ENCLOSED PUZZLE
AND A NOMINAL $25 FEE."
25 DOLLARS?
WHERE AM I GOING TO GET $25?
HEY, MOM.
25 DOLLARS?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A LOT OF MONEY.
I'D REALLY THINK TWICE
ABOUT IT, HONEY.
THOSE CONTESTS
ARE QUESTIONABLE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE
MY LATEST DESIGN?
NEAT, MOM.
MAYBE I'LL JUST SEE
IF I CAN DO THE PUZZLE
ANYWAY-- JUST FOR FUN.
THE SECOND PUZZLE TURNED OUT TO
BE EVEN HARDER THAN THE FIRST.
HMM
"PONZI PUBLISHING IS PROUD
TO PAY PLENTIFUL PRIZES."
ALL RIGHT!
I DID IT, PORKCHOP.
I DID IT.
TOO BAD I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.
OH, WELL
NO BIG DEAL.
IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED
I GUESS.
( ship horn blowing )
AHOY, THERE.
THIS IS YOUR SHIP,
DOUG FUNNIE.
AFTER 11½ YEARS,
SHE'S FINALLY COME IN.
YOU DID REMEMBER
TO SEND IN YOUR 25 BUCKS?
UH, NO I
IT COULD HAVE
BEEN YOURS, DOUG.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN YOURS
RATS.
I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH.
PORKCHOP?
CAN YOU LEND ME $9.74?
MM-HMM.
Doug:
JUST 9.74, SKEET.
FOR THIS FEE, YOU'LL
BE MADE A FULL PARTNER
ELIGIBLE TO RECEIVE
HALF OF A ZILLION
DOLLARS.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
I DON'T KNOW, DOUG.
YOU HAVE A BETTER CHANCE
OF BEING KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS
THAN YOU HAVE
OF WINNING ONE
OF THOSE CONTESTS.
A ZILLION DOLLARS, SKEET.
SKEET, A ZILLION.
ALL THOSE ZEROS
TWENTY-FIVE,
TWENTY-SIX
OH-OH.
OH, MAN.
WE'RE STILL $2.87
SHORT.
SORRY, DOUG.
ALL RIGHT!
COME ON.
YES!
PENNIES.
I NEVER WEAR THESE ANYWAY.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO ENTER THAT
IN THE ART FESTIVAL
TODAY?
I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
I GOT MONEY TO WIN.
OH, OH, OH
ONLY 5¢ TO GO.
Metal detector:
Beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep
AHA! GIVE IT UP.
( ants screaming )
SKEETER AND I WAITED FOR THE
MAILMAN EVERY DAY AFTER THAT.
HEY, DOUG-- SKEETER.
WE'RE GOING OVER
TO THE HONKERBURGER.
UH, WE'RE KIND
OF SHORT ON CASH.
YEAH, MAN,
WE'RE BROKE.
BROKE?
WHAT IS BROKE?
WE'LL EXPLAIN
IT TO YOU
ON THE WAY.
All:
SEE YOU, GUYS.
THIS IS IT, SKEET.
COME ON, OPEN IT!
"CONGRATULATIONS, DOUG FUNNIE.
YOU'VE REACHED THE GRAND
SUPER BONUS FINALS."
ANOTHER ROUND?
ALL RIGHT.
WE'RE FINALISTS.
YEAH, BUT THIS TIME
THEY WANT $50.
WE SPENT ALL WEEK
TRYING TO RAISE THE MONEY.
GET YOUR
LEMONADE.
ONLY $50 A GLASS.
( Skeeter
gulping )
FIVE
TEN
FIFTEEN
TWENTY
COME ON, HURRY UP, SKEET.
( gulping )
ON THE DAY OF THE DEADLINE
WE'D WHITTLED DOWN
THE POSSIBILITIES.
WE'VE GOT UNTIL
THE POST OFFICE
CLOSES AT 5:00.
I CAN CASH MY SAVINGS BOND
OR ASK JUDY.
THE SAVINGS BOND.
BUT MY GRANDMA
GAVE ME THAT.
IT'S FOR MY
COLLEGE EDUCATION.
THEN YOU'RE
SAYING
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
OH, YOU'VE GOT GUTS, MAN.
( giggling )
ME?
LEND YOU $50?
YOU ARE A RIOT.
( giggling uncontrollably )
OH!
YOU CAN HAVE HALF
OF THE WINNINGS.
BUT I NEED THE
MONEY BEFORE 5:00.
YOU'RE NOT GETTING A DIME.
BUT
FORGET THIS
STUPID CONTEST.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER
BE AN ARTIST?
IT'S SO MUCH
MORE ARTISTIC.
AN ARTIST, RIGHT.
A STARVING ARTIST.
( dramatic piano music )
( hissing )
OOH.
NO, NO, MY FRIEND.
IT'S MY TURN TO BURN
A MASTERPIECE--
ONE I VALUE MORE THAN LIFE.
CURSED BE THE DAY I EVER STARTED
ON THIS MISERABLE PATH.
( sizzling )
( cancan music )
FIFTY-- TO WIN.
OOH.
OOH.
OUR WINNER.
( applause )
DOUG,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT IS YOUR SAVINGS BOND.
THANKS, DAD.
BUT THINK HARD.
YOU'VE HAD THIS BOND
SINCE YOU
WERE BORN.
OKAY,
THANKS, DAD.
THAT'S 11½ YEARS
ACCRUING INTERES
TOWARD YOUR FUTURE.
MY FUTURE
AS A ZILLIONAIRE.
YOU'LL BE
THROWING AWAY
THOSE 11½ YEARS
ON A GAMBLE.
BUT IT'S NOT A GAMBLE.
I'M A GRAND SUPER
BONUS FINALIST.
WITH HOW MANY OTHERS?
I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY.
A COUPLE?
I'M GLAD YOU SEE
MY POINT, SON.
I KNOW YOU'LL DO
THE RIGHT THING.
YEAH, DAD, I WILL.
OH, NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HELLO IN THERE.
PLEASE, SOMEBODY.
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
SORRY, SON,
WE'RE CLOSED.
BUT I GOT TO HAVE THIS
POSTMARKED TODAY.
OH, ONE OF THESE.
SURE, KID.
OH, THANK YOU.
YO, HIRAM, GO
ANOTHER PONZI PUZZLE.
ARE ALL THOSE
YOU BET.
BUT I'M A GRAND
SUPER BONUS FINALIST.
YEAH, KID--
YOU AND A
ZILLION OTHERS.
MAN, I GUESS
EVERYBODY WAS RIGH
HUH, PORKCHOP?
GUESS I NEVER REALLY
HAD A CHANCE.
YOU GOT A LETTER,
DOUGLAS.
THANKS, MOM.
WON'T YOU OPEN IT?
I'M SICK OF MAIL.
WOULD YOU JUS
OPEN IT, DWEEZOID.
I WON THIRD PRIZE
AT THE ART FESTIVAL.
FOR "DOG CROSSING THE DELAWARE."
BUT HOW?-- I DIDN'T EVEN ENTER.
I ENTERED FOR YOU.
YOU CAN BOW DOWN
AND PRAISE ME LATER.
WOW THANKS, JUDY.
I GUESS I LEARNED A LESSON.
GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES
ARE TEMPTING
BUT YOU CAN'T COUNT ON THEM.
BETTER TO STICK WITH
WHAT YOU'RE GOOD AT.
TV announcer:
Congratulations!
You're the
winner of the
Canine Sweepstakes
and here's
your grand prize--
a zillion bones!
( camera shutters clicking )