Drifters (2013) s04e05 Episode Script

(SPLASH) Oh, shit.
Oh! Oh, no, no, no! Is my phone covered on your insurance? No.
Why would it be? Are you drunk? You look drunk.
- No.
- We've got some family news.
Are you with Bunny? No.
I don't know where Bunny is.
Ouch! OK, we're going to have to try something else.
So, I've got some news, Meg.
OK.
Sara's pregnant.
Oh, dude, I'm sorry.
How far along is she? It wasn't a mistake, Meg.
We're very happy about it.
Oh! Shit, right.
Yeah, so, what do you think, then, Meg? You'll be an auntie.
You'll be Auntie Meg.
Yeah.
Oh, shit! Bollocks! - Aren't you pleased? - No! Thanks a bunch, Meg.
Screw you, world.
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Well, this is just, frankly, just baffling.
I've never had to do this before, but I'm going to have to ask - that we stop having sex.
- Erm That's OK, er I'll tell you what, I'm in town for a couple of weeks.
Why don't we, er, swap numbers? Here you go.
Give me a call when you're feeling better, Bunny.
Oh, I will do, erm handsome.
Bye.
- Who was that? - Just some incredibly hot guy I couldn't have sex with because it was too painful.
- Emotionally? - Physically.
Probably down to the fact that I haven't had a shit in a week.
Prunes? All-Bran? A doctor? But I'll see needy people, and they make me sad.
Bunny, something terrible's happened.
You've broken your laptop and your phone.
Yeah.
But something even more devastating.
Sara's pregnant.
- Is she keeping it? - That's what I said! Yes.
"Auntie Meg"! Now there's a boner-killer if ever I heard one.
I know! My little brother is married and procreating and all I have to show for myself is a mostly fictitious CV and a sponsored dolphin who, frankly, I don't think exists.
But your troll collection is incomparable.
Cheers, mate.
Have you seen Laura? No.
Call her.
I'll call her.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah, both of them just stopped working on the same day.
Let's start with the laptop.
Did you spill something in this? - Doubt it.
- Someone definitely did.
Oh, well, erm, I did lend it to a friend.
Does your friend like drinking red wine? What?! She is an absolute cunny, mate.
Right.
Let's take a look at the phone.
Oh I think we both know that's piss.
Well, it could be anything.
- No, it's - Yeah.
No, that's piss, yeah.
"Lazy bowels"? Take these laxatives, and when you have a movement you'll need to retain a stool sample and bring that back.
So you want me to put my turd in this pot and then give it back to you? - Yes.
- Oh, how awful! And you'll need to avoid everything on this list.
Sugar Caffeine Alcoh But this is a list of everything that's nice! Yes.
Just avoid eating or drinking anything nice.
That should do it.
Oh Morning.
We thought you'd been kidnapped.
Well, I did.
Meg thought you'd fallen asleep on the night bus again.
Toilet cubicle.
Saw Gary on Instagram with some slag, went on the rampage.
Who were you even out with? Me mum.
She's still going.
I've just got a text from her calling me boring.
Am I boring? I just don't feel like drinking any more.
I'm going to detox for a bit.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH) What, seriously? - Yeah.
- Oh, yay! Well, this is just perfect, because I'm off the sauce, too.
Let's all detox together! We can go to hot yoga.
We can meditate.
We can make recipes from Gwyneth Paltrow's blog! That sounds shite, but, yeah, I will save money.
And look amazing in skinny jeans.
I will not let Gary win this break-up.
Yeah, and if I'm not constantly drunk, then I'll stop breaking - all my things.
- It's time to binge on being sober.
Sober binge! Stretch! Stretch, Meg.
And lengthen.
- (FART) Whoopsy.
- Oh, for fuck's sake! Done.
We're signed up.
Wahey! Well, we've got through one whole day of detox, and we've signed up to the Mud Marathon with the intention of actually doing it.
- It's a marathon.
- We're smashing it, guys.
So, what shall we do to distract ourselves tonight, team? Ooh! I know.
We could make healthy soups for the week and freeze it in batches.
- I'm off out.
- BUNNY: Yeah, me too.
I've got a hot sex date with Corner Shop Guy.
- You better, then? - No, still bunged up, but I've got some painkillers, so I'm going to power through.
Not a phrase to be used in relation to sex, surely.
Look, I just need some Penny-P, mate.
You know when you just need the pen and nothing else will do? - Yeah.
- It's too fucking painful because my bowels are backed up.
Ahhh! I mean, that is some extraordinary detail, isn't it? Even for family.
He'll just have to eat me out if the worst comes to the worst.
If the worst comes to the worst, yeah.
What about you, Laura? Turns out when I were lashed, I went on Tinder.
Now I've got a fistful of killer offers from fit blokes.
Feel like it'll take my mind off not boozing.
So you're going on a sober Tinder date? Yikes.
I'm gonna pick a really healthy-looking one who probably doesn't drink.
- What are you going to do, Meg? - Not sure.
I'll think of something cool to do.
It's lovely to have you with us on a Saturday night.
Oh, no, thank you, I'm not drinking.
You're not pregnant, are you, Meg? No.
Just you.
Thank God! Not sure the world's quite ready for that yet.
So, why are you really here, Meg? What was cancelled? Oh, you didn't get stood up, did you, love? Oh, internet dating, it's very harsh, isn't it? They come in, take one look at you and leave if you're not "conventionally attractive".
Nobody stood me up, thank you, nothing was cancelled, except my invitation to this family dinner, clearly.
No, Meg, we just didn't want to rub it in.
- Rub what in? - The news.
What would you be rubbing in, exactly? Because I'm doing fine.
We just didn't want you to feel erm, not inferior - Inadequate.
- No.
- Lonely.
- No.
Oh! Er, aimless.
- Yes! Yes, that's it.
- That's the one.
Would an aimless person be doing a mara-thon in two weeks? - It's "marathon".
- You're doing a marathon? Well, it's not actually a mara-thon, but it's like a mara-thon, except it's actually harder.
(EVERYONE LAUGHS) (HE LAUGHS LOUDLY) (SHE WINCES) - Are you OK? - Yep.
- Do you want me to stop? - No.
- Keep going.
- OK.
Ah, ah, oh just Ow, I'm really not that comfortable with this.
It just doesn't sound very consensual.
No, no, no, it's fine, I'm just really sensitive down there.
Maybe it's because I'm so small and you're so big.
Well, what if I just kept to the outside area, played in the garden, as it were? Oh, by all means, you can play in the garden as much as you like, just don't bring the.
.
.
ball into the house? OK.
Well, I suppose that'll do.
I'm not being funny, but it's great to meet a fellow fitness fanatic.
We don't need booze to have a great time.
What people don't realise is that alcohol is just empty calories anyways.
I'll tell you what is funny I could hardly lift a 20-pound dumbbell, so I had to work on my strength without hitting the weights, but now I can bench three by ten sets of 110 pounds.
That is funny.
So, what's your favourite weight? (WATERY FART) (FART) Oh, God! (SPLASH) Oh, thank you, yoga.
Oh, no.
My poo.
I forgot my poo.
I haven't lost my room key.
I never had one in the first place.
It's his room.
I was his guest.
What room number? I don't know.
OK.
What name? - Yeah, I don't know.
- I can't help you if you don't know the name of the person you shared a room with.
Look, I really need to get back into that room quite urgently.
It's a medical matter.
Can't your agency just call him on his mobile? Agency? God, how rude! It's not like that, thanks.
I just need to take something from his room without him noticing.
Then I definitely can't help you.
BUNNY: I left him a poo in a cup, guys.
A poo.
In a cup.
Yeah, there's no way of styling that out.
- Detoxing is a nightmare.
- I know what you mean.
Have you seen how shit Leeds is in the sober light of day? I'm not being dramatic.
I am starting to think, without booze what's the point in life? Not a successful date then? Oh, no, I shagged him.
He's a personal trainer, Meg, so I'm not gonna to pass up an opportunity like that.
What did you do last night, Meg? I stayed in with my parents.
- You cracked then? - MEG: No, actually.
I told my parents we're doing the Mud Marathon - in two weeks.
- It's Marathon.
We actually signed up for that, didn't we? Yeah, I mean, they didn't believe me, obviously.
They said we were, "Lazy millenials who couldn't commit to anything.
" Well, they're right, of course.
Yes, but wouldn't it be nice to prove them wrong? Think of the Instagram followers.
I do keep imagining how jealous Gary would be if I got even fitter.
And we could do it for charity.
And then boast about it afterwards.
Shall we do it? I know who can help us.
Urgh! (SHE SCREAMS) Let's go.
Ah! Urgh! Ah! Ow! Ahhhhh! OI! Bloody hell, Meg.
Are you all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Vomiting is just a completely natural side effect of exercise, apparently.
Hey, I've got to tell you, Meg, people have been asking after ya and for once, I've been able to tell them the truth.
Ha! Right.
Well, that's, good, isn't it? This is Terry from the Yorkshire Business Board.
We want to sponsor you ladies ten grand, if you'd be willing to run for the children's charity we're affiliated with.
- Sounds a bit Savile.
- Yes, thank you, Terry, we would love to do that.
My secretary will be in touch.
Hey, Meg, this might work out all right for me an' all, you know? It might be my way onto the board.
I owe you one.
Did he just say children's charity? Oh, God, that sounds like a lot of presh, Meg.
I might bail.
Am I? - Yeah, I'm bailing.
- Oh, no! You can't bail! I have a very painful medical condition, actually.
What, selfishness? Sorry, Meg, but FYI, having sluggish bowels is no laughing matter.
Look, Bunny, whenever I think of not doing something hard, I think of the profile pic.
This is a belter.
Oh, it's gonna look totally apocalypto-chic.
Mud's sexy.
It reminds men of when women just crawled around on the ground.
Yes.
Come on.
Cheers.
You've made us really proud for a change.
Stop saying "for a change.
" We're not actually staying for pudding, but you three can have whatever you want and we'll see you bright and early at the start line, all right? - Bye.
- See you later.
Night.
Oh, that's nice MEG: Oh, shit.
Laura, don't look now.
- Gary's just walked in.
- Shit.
Shit! Distract me.
Three of those.
Er Pretend I've said something funny.
(MEG LAUGHS) Louder! Both of ya.
(THEY LAUGH) H-He's coming, he's coming, he's coming He's here.
He's here.
Hello, Laura.
- Girls.
- Hi, Gary.
Hi! You look nice, Laura.
Yeah, I know I do.
Why are you dressed so smart? - Been in court? - I'm on a date.
Pff! Ha! Where is this minger? No, serious.
Have you been working out? Cos I saw on Facebook you're doing a marathon or something? It's harder than a marathon actually and, yeah, I work out every day now.
I've got a personal trainer.
Very personal, if you know what I mean.
I'm boning him.
And I've stopped drinking, it's just empty calories.
- This is just the coffee.
- Well, lovely to see you all.
Excuse me.
"Excuse me.
" Urgh! Who the fuck does he think he is? Lord fuckin' Downton Abbey or summat? I thought you handled that really well.
- Did I? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were so cool.
So cool.
Cheers.
I'm nailing this break-up.
- Oh, you're nailing it.
- She's nailing it.
Shall we get another round of these cold coffee things? Mm.
(LAUGHTER) Well, let's just drink these quickly, then we have to go to bed.
Although I don't feel tired.
I actually feel amazing.
Yeah, me too.
Must be all the exercise, and the caffeine.
- Or the booze.
- The what now? The booze.
It's vodka.
You said they were coffees! Yeah, coffee and vodka.
What do you think an espresso Martini is? Booze, mate.
Fucking rocket fuel.
- No, you're joking! - Shit! I thought you knew.
One more for the road? (CLUB MUSIC PLAYS) What are we doing? This is our youth, Meg! This is our youth! Oh, no.
[Music: Theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey.]
I can't do this.
I'm bailing.
No, you can't.
Everybody's here.
Look.
(THEY CHEER) Even the kids from the charity.
We've got to do this.
Fucking Gaz has showed up.
I've gotta to do it now.
Here.
Is that vodka?! We can't run it drunk! Can we? It's the only way.
Power through.
[Music: Theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey.]
ALL: Oooh! You little fucker! Go on, Meg! Go on! Go on, Meg! Yeah! Look at her go, yeah! (ELECTRICAL BUZZING) (THEY SCREAM) Ahh! You all right there, Meg? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Come on! (BUNNY FARTS REPEATEDLY) Bunny! I'm sorry.
It's really loosening things up.
(BUNNY FARTS REPEATEDLY) (FARTING CONTINUES) Make it stop.
- Oh, look! - Come on, Meg! (CHEERING) Come on, Meg! Ha! Serves you right, dickhead! Ouch! You hurt my knee.
- Oh! - Ooh! Where are the loos? Where are the loos? - That way.
That way.
- Thank you.
(SHE FARTS) She started it.
You still look fit though.
- Eugh! - Laura.
Laura! - Bunny! - Hey! You What are you doing here? Er, I came seventh.
I saw you at the start line and thought I'd wait.
You didn't give me a chance to say goodbye last time.
I know, I'm so, so, so sorry about the What? The thing that I left.
Did you leave something? I had to run off to work, maybe the cleaners have got it.
Do you want me to call the hotel and ask? No! God, thank God, thank God.
I'm so sorry, I just need to just Hey, I've got the hotel room for one more night.
We could get some champagne I'd love to.
I just have to - Can you just give me two minutes? - Wait.
(REPEATED FARTING) That's not mud, is it? Oh! Eww! Champagne (RUMBLING) (FARTING) (SPLATTERING) (FLUSHING) Let us never speak of this again.
None of it.
- Apart from this bit.
- You got there in the end.
Well done.
[MUSIC: This Is The Time by Unloved.]