Duck Dynasty (2012) s04e05 Episode Script

1 - Si: One, two, three - ( basketball bouncing ) seven, eight, nine, ten, - 12, 13, 14, 15-- - Jase: Si! - Martin: Come on, man! - This shot is called the crane.
Oh, good Lord.
Good-- - Oh.
- Jase: There'the titter.
- ( coughs ) - Si: Man down.
Party foul.
Scrambled eggs.
- South of the border.
- Below the belt.
- Yup, below the belt.
- I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
( mimics vomiting ) - You playing a little basketball? - ( laughing ) Look who's here, boys.
Mr.
Fancy Shoes himself.
Jep: Are these things awesome or what? - Martin: Still wearing them, huh? - Three and half days.
I'm going strong, Jack.
Jase: Every once in a while, Jep gets all fired up about some weird product that he's bought off the Internet.
I'm fixin' to jump out this building.
Windmillin' dunking.
Slammin'-jammin' on that son of a gun.
But here's the thing about that - You're short! - I'm 5'9 1/2".
And you can't jump.
- I'm 5'9 1/4".
- Deal with it.
If you can dunk with them shoes, I'm gonna go buy me a pair.
Hey, if he can dunk it, I'll buy me a pair.
Put it above the rim and I'll snatch it.
Pfft.
Martin: Three, two, one.
I wasn't ready.
- He wasn't ready.
- Jep: You ready? Martin: Here we go.
Three, two, one.
Go for it.
( grunting ) Si: Rejected! Don't quit your day job, short stuff.
Jep: Okay, these shoes are for training, not for actual dunking in.
Go get the ball.
I'll get that sorry excuse for a lob.
That's pitiful.
Do you want me to tell you what the key to dunking is, boys? What, did you learn that, in 'Nam? Well, among other things, yeah.
Wait a second.
We got a problem over here.
Jase, see all that? - Termites.
- Si: Termites? - Look at this.
- Termites and an arm.
- Si: You better tell Willie.
- Jep: Jase.
If you touch me with that again, I'm gonna take your little shoes-- Don't be scared of my baby arm.
Give me that ball.
I'll tell Willie right after this game.
( gasps ) Don't tell Willie.
( laughing ) Jase: Jep, I'm gonna slap you with that baby arm.
( music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S04E05 Termite Be a Problem == Si: Hey, I don't think they're gonna be able to get the elephants in there without the poles holding it up higher.
- ( laughs ) - Martin: Si, this isn't a circus.
( Si singing circus theme ) Ha, ha, ha.
You're funny.
Si: Look here, the circus is coming to town.
They bringing the lions and the tigers? - Willie: Si.
- Where's the 14 clowns that pile in the car? - Si! - What? For the 50th time, it's not funny.
- Willie: All right, look.
- ( Si vocalizes ) - ( laughing ) - All this for some little termites.
I ain't taking no chances.
Here's the thing about termites, they don't turn nothing down.
- No joke.
- 2x4s, 2x6s, trash cans, poop, humans, nothing slows them down.
Anything living or crawling in there, I want killed.
- Kill 'em all.
- Kill 'em all.
Si: If he don't nip this in the bud, the only thing that's gonna be left is a bunch of fat, overweight termites.
Fog the whole mess.
You hear them burping and all that comes out is sawdust.
( belches ) Excuse me.
Hey, couldn't help it.
That was good spaghetti I had for dinner.
( belches ) Hey, Si, why don't you just work inside today? Hey, ain't nobody got no time for that.
All right, are y'all packed up? Willie, we ain't got nowhere to work.
We got it all worked out.
You're going to Phil's-- We can go to my house.
Phil's is your best option.
- It is a place that-- - I got snacks.
Martin: I love snacks.
All right, look, I don't care where you go.
I'm in a dealin' mood.
Y'all get this knocked out, you can take the rest of the day off.
- Did you hear that?! - Korie: Fine with me.
You gotta get to the Golden 60's meeting.
Golden 60's? Eh, you know.
Got a little gig today.
When you're the CEO, people look up to you and they want to know your secrets to success.
We're gonna talk about goals and life and makin' money.
So naturally, my mom wants to show off her successful, good-looking, charming son to all her friends.
I spoke there a couple months ago.
Oh, I wasn't aware they had an amateur hour up there.
- Hey, I've done that.
- You both spoke there? - Yeah.
- I played dominoes with them.
- I did, too.
- Hey, all that matters is it's my turn now.
- All right, I'm gonna give them a little bit more-- - I spoke there.
- Really? - I got a casserole.
Come on, man.
All right, I'm working from home so I don't die in there.
- All right.
Get 'er done.
- ( Si singing circus theme ) - Bring on the clowns.
- Si! Step right up.
See the elephants, see the tigers, see the lions, see the bearded fat man.
- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.
Little sparse crowd here, huh? - Am I early? - Hey, y'all, this is Willie.
All: Hi, Willie.
You know, he has dimples under that beard.
He shouldn't hide 'em.
Are you doing the introduction here? Am I speaking right now? No, we've got to go get the luncheon.
Go get the what? When Miss Kay asks you to do a favor, you always gotta read the fine print I'm not going to get the lunch, I'm speaking.
When you have a luncheon speaker, - you go get the lunch.
- Mom.
because she always throws a couple of surprise clauses in there.
I told Carla that you and her could go get the lunch.
And although none of her reasons make any sense, here I am.
( whispers ) Mom, I can't go pick up food.
I just want to yank your hair when you act like that.
- Hello, Willie.
- Hey.
How are you? - Nice to meet you.
- Hey, nice to meet you.
- You gonna help me? - Yeah.
- I am.
I'm gonna help you.
- That's so nice.
Oh, hey, that's me.
You know, Willie has a tough time making friends at work.
- I'll drive.
- But I'll probably need room in the truck for all the food.
- Oh, nuh-uh.
No.
- She can't get in that truck.
Lucky for Willie, I'm a really good matchmaker.
I will pick her up and put her in the truck.
You know, getting picked up by Willie-- a handsome man as he is-- - that sounds good.
- Great.
I know Willie and Carla are gonna be best buddies.
But I still wanna drive.
Just like Simon and Garfunkel.
I have some candy down here I wanna give you.
- No.
No, that's good.
I don't need candy.
- Here it is.
He loves candy.
- Ohh.
- Ohh, out of the package even.
That's awesome.
Thank you.
Mom's always been pretty bad at setting me up with buddies.
I'm gonna save this for later.
- After lunch? - Yeah.
In grade school one time, she set me up with a kid that ate his boogers.
Okay, well, are we ready to go? Just about.
All I have to do is go get my keys out of my handbag.
I'll be right back.
Mom, she's got her handbag in her hand.
Shh.
Be nice.
Right now, I'm wondering what ol' Billy Boogers is up to.
( whispers ) Why didn't you eat that candy? - What? - That was rude.
Maybe he could drive Carla to get the food for the luncheon.
I'm not putting it in my mouth.
Oh, you've put worse things in your mouth.
It was in the bottom of her purse.
Shh.
She's gonna hear you.
I'm confident she's not hearing me.
- Carla: What? - Willie: Are we ready? Well, I don't know.
I can't find my handbag-- Maybe you can just use that one? ( laughs ) That's it.
All right.
We found it.
Good deal.
- Do you remember where your car is? - I hope so.
Are you sure you don't want me just to drive us on in? Oh, no.
I want to do the driving.
You know when I'm in my own car, I like to do the driving.
Watch the curb right here.
- Dang.
- There you go.
Uh, Carla? I wanna tell you about my cats.
The only thing I can think of that's worse than taking a trip through West Monroe with Carla Carla: I had polio as a child.
I have post-polio syndrome.
- I had pneumonia 11 times.
- Wow.
is taking a trip down memory lane with Carla.
- You probably shouldn't be driving.
- ( laughs ) Nah.
( both laugh ) - ( exhales sharply ) - Willie, did I tell you I have two cats? Carla's memory lane is more like a memory circle.
Yup.
You actually already told me about the cats, Carla.
It just keeps going around and around I did? I told you about both of them? I told you about both my cats? and around and around - I'm such a cat lover.
- and around.
- And my other cat-- - Oh, boy.
Martin: Now this is duck call building here.
And I don't even gotta go home when I get through.
We oughta move the shop.
Let me tell you about my crew.
We will work anywhere, anytime.
- Productivity has gone up here.
- Mm-hmm.
At Godwin's lair.
But we're at our best when we have snacks and air conditioning.
Si: You know the best part? Willie ain't running in here talking about, - "Y'all got that order done yet?" - And no Willie.
You're getting the duck calls sticky.
- Get rid of the popsicles.
- ( laughs ) These things are like crack.
Godwin's house perfect.
Now we're selling flavored duck calls.
Yeah, they'd probably like it.
This one's gonna be strawberry here.
He goes, "Oh, that was "purnurple" flavor.
What flavor? - Purnurple.
- Purnurple? Hey, it's purnurple.
Si: Hey, look, once when I was a kid, I bought myself 100 double-stick popsicles.
- Can you spell that? - Yeah.
That's when I learned the hard way you do not want to eat 100 double-stick popsicles.
- Are there any alternate pronunciations? - No.
The colors were beautiful on the box.
Red, green, blue, and, hey, of course But trust me, after you eat them, You're fixin' to upchuck.
Purnurple-flavored duck call.
And the rainbow don't taste as good comin' up as it did when it went down.
I'm figurin' to go get me another one.
Hey, I want grape.
Get me one of them grape.
No, you don't get the grape.
Popsicle gravy.
What's in this box here, Godwin? That come in last week.
- You ain't gonna open it? - No.
Read it and you'll see why.
"The law offices of VanBeat.
" Lawyers are after him.
- Jep: Uh-oh.
- Yup.
Look here, I'm fixin' to open this puppy up.
No! What are you doing? Look here, Christmastime.
There may be a treasure in here, boy.
Maybe some thongs in there.
Here's a letter addressed to John Godwin.
- Well, give it to me, then.
- Well, hold it.
Godwin, you got a great-uncle named Reuben Godwin? Yeah.
Not anymore, you don't.
He's died.
Old Si's got a way of breaking it easy, don't he? I'm sorry, Godwin.
Was he close to you? I only met him one time.
"Enclosed in this box is your inheritance.
" - At least you get a present.
- What's in there? Hey! It's a jackalope, boys.
- Part rabbit, part deer.
- Now that's a present.
I shot at one of these one time and missed the sucker.
- No, you did neither, Si.
- Yeah, I did, too.
When Si gets on a roll, he's unstoppable.
Rabbits don't have horns, Si.
What do you mean he don't have horns? I'm holding one right here.
It really makes no difference what you say.
That's a swamp rabbit - and they put some deer horns on him.
- No.
He's like a runaway freight train of misinformation.
He's got thick fur, and when it's wet, he is might near bulletproof.
- You can't kill him.
- Toot-toot.
Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Next stop, Fantasyland.
Y'all got me excited now.
Godwin, I'm telling you, that's worth some money.
Si, it's not worth anything.
What? It's gotta be worth something.
- At least five bucks.
- We can get some more popsicles.
Yes.
Where would you even get it appraised at? Taxidermist? We got a bunch of them around here.
All right, let's go find us a taxidermist.
Jep: That sounds good.
I wanna know how much that thing's worth.
- Godwin: Me, too.
- Jep, are you still wearing those shoes? - Yeah.
- That's just embarrassing to be travelin' with you.
- Willie: Finally made it.
- Carla: Here we are.
- Hello.
I'm here to pick up an order.
- Woman: How are you doing? Okay.
What's the name? The Golden 60's Club.
Okay.
We've got it right here for you.
- How much is it? - It's 77.
54.
- I'll pay for it.
- No, no.
It's my club and I'm gonna pay for it.
- How much was that again? - 77.
54.
Willie: Good grief.
If Carla starts moving any slower, she's gonna move backwards in time.
77.
54.
- 54? - 54.
Oh, that's the year I finished college.
- Oh, really? Good.
- Uh-huh.
Carla, I don't mind paying.
Which would actually be beneficial to her.
- There's 20.
- Okay.
Three, four, five.
How much is that? - Oh, boy.
- Woman: Okay.
She'd be like Benjamin Button.
- I got some ones.
- Benjamin Carla.
- Carla Button? - I have four pennies, I think.
You don't have to do it exact, Carla.
Is that a nickel or a quarter? Oh, for the love of humanity.
Benji Arla.
Whatever.
She is old.
- Okay, is that it? - I think that's it.
All right, thank you.
Appreciate it.
- Have a good day.
- Okay, but let me tell her about this.
Why we're getting this food.
The ladies are meeting-- Carla, we're good.
You ready to roll? Okay.
Y'all have a good day.
Carla: Did I tell you I have two cats? Willie: Oh, good grief.
Martin: Man, this place is awesome! It smells like roses.
Jase: This place smells like something died.
Jase: Who gets excited about a building full of stuffed animals? I certainly don't.
- Martin: Awesome.
- Godwin: Wow.
- ( Godwin barks ) - Animals should be eaten - Jase: Oh, my goodness! - Martin: That's cool.
What a waste of a good frog.
That's sacrilegious.
not stuffed.
I stuff frogs in my body.
Oh, heaven.
The only animal I stuff is a turkey on Thanksgiving.
Sometimes Christmas.
Godwin: Look at the size of that nut in that squirrel's mouth.
He got an acorn.
You think that's impressive, look at that.
- Godwin: Whoa.
- Si: Good grief.
I don't know that much about taxidermy That is one proud sheep right there.
but I know good work when I see it.
Goodness.
That set right there is pretty darn lifelike.
I wanna look away, but I can't.
I can't either.
And it's healthy, too.
- That's impressive.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How you doing? - Are you the man in charge? I am.
What can I help y'all with? - Yeah, I got a buddy of mine-- - ( growling ) Hey, knock it off in there.
We got the guy who's gonna help us right here.
What's wrong with y'all? Come on.
Y'all bring that creepy specimen in here.
- Don't mess up my hare.
- That is a jackalope.
I haven't seen too many of these.
Godwin, hey, money.
- What is it worth? - Gonna get paid.
I'ma make a few calls and find out.
I'll be right back.
- Martin: Rare means money.
- Si: Cha-ching! Si: It's a jackalope.
Hey, I've learned one thing from this.
- What? - I ain't gonna be buried.
I want a taxidermist to stuff me.
- ( all groan ) - No, no, look, hey! - You can keep me a week-- - I ain't keepin' you a minute.
Hey, and the whole family can share in it.
They'll keep me for a month What better way to honor a man, okay, than to immortalize him as a redneck statue? Just think of it.
Jase has got a fireplace-- look, and I'll be like this.
Grabbing your rear end? Hey, from the heat from the fireplace.
That's what you want to be immortalized by? Wake up every morning to this.
You know? Hey.
Look, I'll be around forever.
Hey, kind of sweet.
Sentimental.
All right, I got some news for y'all.
- All right.
What's it worth? - Let's hear it.
- It's worth about $50.
- What? I haven't seen another one like this in here.
- The thing's rare.
- If he had testicles, I could give you another $100 for him, but he doesn't.
Hey, look here, $500 and I'll bring you a pair of testicles for it.
Si: Hey, look, if it's testes you want, hey, why didn't you say so? I'll give you some of those lickety-split.
Pow.
Snip.
Pop.
Oh, nice fit.
Make it $1,000 and I'll bring you a pair of testicles to put on it.
Si: Hey, them things are worth so much, I'm thinking about starting my own business.
I can see it now, "Si's Gonad Emporium.
" Now what kind of testes will you be needing today, sir? Oh, I think I have a couple of those in the back.
Let me get you a sack to put those in, sir, and I'll ring you up.
Pow.
Snip.
Pop.
Cha-ching.
I'm talking about a gonad monopoly here, boys.
I mean, that's all I can do.
I'll just keep him.
- It's sentimental anyway.
- Y'all take care.
Jase: Y'all know we still gotta finish up that duck call order.
Si: No.
Willie: I enjoyed it.
That was fun today.
Kay: Look who's here.
Come put this down with the rest of the casseroles right here.
Good grief.
How much food do you have? You can't have too many casseroles.
- This'll feed 100.
- Son.
Mom, that was the most miserable thing I've ever done in my life.
- Shh! - Have you ever driven with her? ( whispers ) She might hear you.
- She can't hear me, believe me.
- What? All right, whatever, Mom.
Let me just do my speech and get out of here.
I'm always proud to show off my children.
And Willie, he is a great speaker.
Grace, do you want to come up and introduce him? I'd love to.
He's been making wonderful speeches all his life.
Except for one time in the fourth grade.
Hopefully, he won't pee in his pants this time.
Good luck to you, son.
We have a very special guest today.
Kay's CEO son, the brother of Jason and Jep, let's give him a big round of applause.
( applause ) Hey, I'm Willie.
I'm a Duck Commander.
Nice to see you.
Most people are afraid of public speaking, but most people aren't Willie Robertson.
The key in any business is to have vision.
The trick is to imagine the audience naked.
Um um ( laughs ) All right, everybody's got on clothes.
Everybody's got on clothes.
Okay, I think it's important to have a five-year goal, a 10-year goal, and a we'll just stick with short-term goals.
You know you make and sell crochet stuff.
Maybe there's a business in there.
I'm not sure, but we can just eat the casserole and move on.
That's it.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Woman: I thought Jep was gonna be here.
Willie: I'm sorry.
Just me.
Woman: Okay.
Are you sure it's safe to be in here? It still stinks, man.
- I ate my sandwich and I'm all right.
- That's your opinion.
Yeah, he's sitting there talking to an animal that doesn't exist.
- He's fine.
- That's Benjamin to you.
- Benjamin? - Yeah, Benjamin Bunny.
Hey, I don't care what his name is.
- That's Benjamin.
- Martin: Here we go.
- Benjamin Bunny.
- Jep: Give me that.
I'm fixin' to show y'all something right here.
- Hey.
- I've been wearing these shoes a few days now and I can feel a deep burn in my calves.
- Y'all ready? - The guys are laughing now, but they won't be laughing when I tomahawk dunk in their face.
This is what happens when you use the duck shoes right here.
- Goosh! - Si: What do you got? A man called Michael Jordan.
Tongue out and I just sprained my ankle.
Si: He just sprained his ankle.
Ballin', y'all.
Ballin'.
Jase: You think we wouldn't notice that you lower the rim about, what, two feet? - Si: Two foot.
- Y'all saw that, huh? How can you not see it? I mean - Yeah, you only five-foot tall.
- Si! I'm 5'9 and 1/4".
No.
If you want to dunk, hey, do what the pros do.
I don't have time to practice like-- No, no.
Hey, look, get on steroids.
( laughing ) Hey, 'cause, look, come into the real world, okay.
You're five-foot tall and you'll never dunk it unless you get the ol' shot in the buttocks.
Si, I say no to drugs.
Si: Well, hey, say "no" to dunkin' then, buddy.
( all laugh ) Willie: All right.
Lasagna from the Golden 60's Miss Carla.
Phil: Please bow.
Father, bless my friends, my family, my country for His sake, Jesus Christ our Lord.
- Amen.
- All: Amen.
Martin: Get on Carla's casserole.
Willie: It's easy to get caught up in the fast-paced lifestyle of a CEO.
The problem is you can't always live on the go.
Especially when Carla's driving.
Whether it's an obnoxious amount of casserole or an unusual inheritance, it's better to appreciate what you have than worry about what you don't.
Si: Hey, Willie, I'm thinking about getting in the gonad business.