Eastbound & Down s04e05 Episode Script
Chapter 26
This is the elite.
We have to make sure they realize we are one of them.
And fart! *** *** Guy is the sorest loser there is.
*** Wanna go into battle with me, KP? Come on, let's go! You're dead weight! Get him out of the boat! We're gonna change your lives.
Get ready for victory! You're with the champion now.
Are the kids in bed? Water.
Mother nature's piss.
And it's what brings us here today, together.
The unveiling of my luxurious, brand new swimming pool.
That's right.
I did this.
My own brother, so full of envy over my success, that son of a bitch didn't even show up here today.
But his wife showed up.
Cassie, big ups to you for being supportive.
You've got much bigger balls than your husband does.
Much better man than him.
Mere months ago, I was in the darkest, dirtiest, shittiest hole of my life.
Standing in a crowded room while my wife was being honored.
And I was miserable.
But finally, all the struggles and sleepless nights Dixie.
Dixie? Dixie! Get out of here, Gene.
Security, get him - the fuck out of here.
- I need to talk to you, baby.
I love you! What the fuck are you doing? - Get off me! - Gene - No adulterers allowed.
- Put me the fuck down, asshole! - Loser.
- Anyway, what I was saying was even though things were that dark, I persevered.
And I never stopped going for what I wanted.
And now look what's happened.
Oops.
Somebody got a salt water motherfucking pool.
That's right.
So let the deep sparkly waters serve as a symbol to each of you, that if you work hard enough, you dream big enough, anything is possible.
Pool's open, y'all! Woo-hoo! Whoo! Wooo! $5,000 suit, y'all.
$5,000 suit and I don't even care! Wooo! My pool party was the shit.
Now bring them big old titties over here.
- Come on.
- Listen to me.
What were you meaning when you were talking about my award today.
You said that you were miserable.
Mmm.
I think maybe you need to stop paying attention to that shit and you need to come over here and suck on that dick.
Not happening.
- I'm about to buy that pussy then.
- Don't buy it.
- Whoo.
Look at this.
- Hm-mm.
- I think I'm about to pay for this shit.
- Don't get close to me.
- You can not do that.
- I can do it.
- It's happening right now.
- Not gonna accept it.
I'm bout to fucking make it rain on your head.
Come on.
- Rick Ross.
Rick Ross.
- Take it back.
- Shake it, girl.
Shake it.
- Look at you.
No.
- Shake it.
- Look at you being so obnoxious with money.
Why you trying to cause class warfare on my ass here? Insult a man 'cause I'm trying to share my wealth.
I think that you're losing touch.
- Speaking of losing touch.
- What? - Honk.
- No.
No.
You know, I've been talking to Tel and Viv about their therapist that they're seeing.
- A therapist? - Yep.
Some motherfucker with a little flute? No.
Makes a fucking cobra come out of a basket.
Listen, Viv said that they're therapist has helped them communicate better.
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
Therapists, all they do is they try to fucking smooth everybody out, keep everybody even, walking in a straight line.
I got no interest in that.
The only kind of therapy you need is that ding-a-ling therapy.
Not in the mood tonight.
You playing? Well, too bad, baby doll.
You're on the clock.
I done just bought that pussy.
This shit's paid for.
We in Thailand.
Come on, le boy.
Dance for me.
- Good night.
Good night.
- Make dance for me.
- Thai boy, dance for me.
- Nobody is Good night.
Come here, let me spit on you.
Good night.
Yeah, yeah.
Stop, drop, open up shop.
Look up here, y'all.
I return to you victorious.
Just like I promised I would.
I won that motherfucking Dragon Boat race, and with the winnings, I've turned this disgusting field into a state-of-the-art little league facility.
I got rid of the sofa.
God rid of the hypodermics, the tampons.
Got rid of the goddamn thrown up sizzurp that was everywhere.
- The orange drank.
- All that drank-drank is gone.
And on top of it, I also hooked y'all up with some new gear.
Whoomp.
There it all is.
Come.
Enjoy, my childrens.
Yeah, yeah.
Go on in there.
Break you off some.
Enjoy new things for the very first time in your lives.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck? Is that kid stealing the shit? - I think so.
- Go get his ass.
Hey! Off the bike! Get your poor ass off the bike! Come on, man.
He's getting half way down the fucking street.
Punch it! Hey, man.
That's my bike! That motherfucker's an assassin.
So let that be a lesson to you guys, all right? Question.
Yes.
Ja Rule.
- Who are you? - Who am I? I'm your handsome white Jesus, motherfucker.
Yeah.
Yes, yes, y'all.
It's time for the Sports Sesh.
What's happening? What's happening? All right, all right, all right.
Well, welcome back to another sesh of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and, uh Let's address the elephant in the room, we lost another co-host.
Unfortunately, Jed Forney, a very dear friend, he left the show.
And he won't be coming back.
He left for personal reasons, and, um Well, I don't know what they are.
And, quite frankly, I don't care.
Let's move on to our first hot topic and she is hot.
Cat Cora, "Iron Chef" from the Food Network.
Are you kidding me? Ha-ha.
How you doing, darling? Good to see you.
- You too.
- Aw.
You look great.
Good to be here.
Thank you.
All right.
Well, it's playoff time.
Let's get into it.
- Well, I'm making Gameday Nachos.
- Mmm.
- First, you start with a bean and cheese base.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we add aromatics.
- Aroma you got - Things like onions.
- I love onions.
Just don't kiss your girlfriend right afterwards.
That's right.
- And jalapeño peppers.
- Wow.
Jalapeño peppers? Kenny's cutting in.
Uh-oh.
- Ha-ha! - Uh-oh.
Kenny, get back over there with the co-hosts, OK? Behave yourself.
Get over there.
Get back Get back over there.
Cat, you know why I love jalapeño peppers so goddamn much? - Why's that, Kenny? - Oh, because they're so spicy! Goddamn, they're spicy.
We making something.
Maybe it's nachos, maybe it's a kid.
Who knows.
I gotta ask you a question here, Cat.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever seen a human motherfucker eat a shitload of peppers before? - Oh - Uh, I don't know, Kenny.
Those peppers are pretty hot.
Oh.
Who wants to see me eat Oh I don't think we have time for that.
You do.
You at home do.
Ready? One.
Count 'em off, everybody.
- One! - Those are pretty hot.
- Yeah.
Go, Kenny.
Go.
- Here he goes.
- Three! - Three.
So hot! - Four! - I can't believe it.
Just - Gluttonous.
- Kenny! Kenny! So hot! Come on, Kenny.
- Ahh.
- Oh God! Mas cervezas! Goddamn.
Look at your kids.
Little Mexican jumping beans.
Here you go, more beers.
Yeah.
There you go, Graciosas, Marias.
De nada, de nada, Kenny.
Guess I should make some food? Nah, baby.
Just business right now.
- OK.
- Come here.
Come here.
- Oh yeah.
- I want you so badly.
Uh, hey.
OK.
Hey.
What the fuck.
- Oh yeah.
- Come on.
You wait for me in the bedroom, bitch.
- OK.
- Put that pussy on ice.
Me and Maria been fucking like cave people since I've been getting paid, man.
My dick's all pruny from being up in that sweet punany.
Sounds like 50 Shades of Gross to me, motherfucker.
- Ha-ha.
- Now it's time for you to take out that notepad software.
I want to talk a little bidness.
Mm-hmm.
What do you have in mind to talk about today? Well, there's no doubt my stock is soaring.
I'm more recognizable than I have ever been.
- True.
- I think it's high time we finally cash in on these lucrative opportunities that my fame has brought upon us.
Yeah, OK.
I like this.
Tell me more.
I think it's time Kenny Powers opens up a motherfucking restaurant chain.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
Oh Yes.
The concept Well, it's simply brilliant.
It's TNT.
You know what it stands for? It's like a code or something.
Oh yeah.
The "T" is for taters.
"N" is for and.
And the final "T" Tits.
'Cause all the waitresses at TNT - have huge tits.
Taters 'N' Tits.
- Oh my God.
How on earth did you even think of this? How does any genius figure out his inventions? I mean, how did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity? 'Cause the bitch was sleeping underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head.
This is amazing.
I'm all over this.
Whew.
Look at the men we've become, huh.
And on a personal side note, those contacts are doing wonders for your look.
- Oh Oh, thank you.
- You got those Paul Walker eyes.
I'm thinking about fixing my other weak zones too.
Oh, like your chin? Wha My ch What's wrong with my chin? See, it's almost just like a high neck fold.
From your profile here, it's just face down to tits.
It's just nothing.
It's like a fucking little nub at the bottom of your face.
Yeah, my chin is shitty.
Goddamn it.
OK.
Look, Kenny is here.
Don't freak out, OK? He brought gifts for the boys.
Honey, he wants forgiveness.
All right? Maybe just hear him out.
Oh! Fuck yeah! Huh? Love that shit.
Doesn't it feel good? Man, you just take that deep breath.
Bow! Shoot a man right in his heart.
Ha-ha.
Meatloaf, how you liking that guitar? - It's the shit, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey! Yo, Dustin.
What's up? - I came to buy back your forgiveness.
- The fuck are you doing - giving my kid an assault rifle.
- Hey, man.
Dustin Jr is a well adjusted kid.
He's responsible enough to own an assault rifle.
Notice I didn't get Wayne one.
I'm thinking this thing through.
Take it back.
Return it.
You should hold on to that, man.
They're about to ban that shit.
I'm trying to protect your household.
How much? - What are you doing? - Come on.
How much is your forgiveness worth? Put your money away.
Take the damn rifle.
Say a number.
I'll break you a piece off.
No.
Not a chance.
Take it.
Take the guitar.
Get the fuck off my property.
God, Dustin.
Can't you just grow up for a second? I'm trying to reach out to you and be the bigger man, all right? I love you, brother.
And I just wanna discuss our issues.
I'm just trying to make good here, all right? I don't know how to fucking make up with people, all right? It's not something I usually do.
But for whatever reason, it's important to me that you and I are just not enemies.
It just doesn't feel right.
I feel like things are all fucked up and gross just because you and I aren't friends.
I don't like it.
Dustin, he is clearly hurting.
I mean, look at him.
Ow.
Owie.
- OK.
Come on.
Be the bigger man.
- I'm hurting.
Help me.
OK.
Just tell him how you feel.
You wanna get into this right here? I'd love to, brother.
For one thing, you really hurt me.
- When you when you faked your own death.
- I know.
And we were all really worried, Kenny.
Hold on for one second.
Just, my shit's blowing up real quick.
- Kenny, I'm talking to you.
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
- I thought we were gonna - Guy Young just text me.
Kenny, you just said you wanted to talk about this.
No, I do but, yeah.
It's Guy Young.
He's my boss.
It's work, so This motherfucker sends the funniest emoticons.
Put the phone away.
Oh, he wants me to come out to the lake.
OK, look.
You're obviously upset.
I can see that.
Why don't you just gather your thoughts.
Really think about what's hurting you and then figure out a good way to like, formulay it - that everyone can understand.
- Formulate it.
That's what I said, all right? Love you guys.
Really nice to see everyone.
Before I go Love you guys.
What the fuck is that? Whoa.
There he is, Kenny Powers.
Guy! - What's up, KP? - You look cool as fuck out there, dude! - Woo! - It's fucking priceless.
- Woo! - Holy shit! - Goddamn.
- Pretty impressive little unit, huh? Dude, that's it.
I'm fucking getting one of those.
- That's the shit.
- Yeah, well, they're about a quarter million a pop, so I think they might be a little bit out of your range there, KP.
I might have to check with the wife.
I still think it might be a little out of your range.
Well, we'll see.
I'll check with my wife.
Speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about the show for a minute.
- OK, yeah.
What's up? - Look.
Kenny, I don't wanna I don't wanna hurt your feelings, you know what I mean? But I feel like you need to take your performance down a little bit on the show.
- Just take it down a notch.
- Oh yeah? I'm just doing what you told me to do.
Just being myself, man.
Wild card's gonna be wild, right? Sure, sure.
But If I'm being honest, I'm starting to see shades of Dontel here.
- Ew, yuck.
Are you serious? - Little bit.
I mean, case in point.
You know how nobody came over for the nacho bit? But you came over for the nacho bit.
You don't have to come over for every bit.
You know what I mean? - You don't have to do that.
- Well, I mean, I just was kinda feeling the vibe of the audience.
You know, I thought I had 'em in stitches.
Right, right.
But if you come over and you eat the peppers and then I can't eat the peppers then I'm left with no options.
I'm painted into a corner, right? I look like a fucking boob.
Well, dude, I'm not trying to make you look like boobs.
I just I didn't think eating peppers was like your thing.
It's not about the goddamn peppers, Kenny! OK? It's about your place on the show.
I mean, like this fucking jet pack.
I spent my whole life working my ass off to afford something like this and then you walk up and you're like, "Hey, I'm gonna get me one of those.
" No, you're not, motherfucker.
No.
One, because you can't afford it and, two, because you haven't fucking earned it.
- Got it? - I wasn't talking about getting one right now.
I just meant like, eventually it would be cool to like, go buy one.
No, but you shouldn't even be thinking about jet packs, Kenny.
OK? You're not there yet.
And this Kenny cutting in shit, that's gotta go, OK? Those one-on-ones, that's my shit.
That's my domain, got it? People seem to like the "Kenny's cutting in.
" Oh, God.
Kenny, fucking A, man.
Listen to what I'm saying.
All right? Everything we do, we do for the best of the show.
- And for you.
- Yeah, and for me.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, that's right.
Because I'm the star of the show.
Not you, me.
I'm the fucking star.
OK? - Yeah, OK.
I got it.
- You cool with that? Yeah, you're the main star of the show.
OK.
Just remember, Kenny not everybody can fly, buddy.
Not everybody can fly.
See ya.
Don't stay out too late, dude.
Now, Kenny.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
You know how you said we don't wanna be fucking Pinkberry? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, what do you think about starting with something along the lines of Boom! That kiosk right there.
Check it out.
This is how it's gonna work.
First, we'll get people's attention with how hot and how banging our waitresses are, right? And then, when they walk over, they're gonna smell those baked potatoes cooking in the microwave and ka-ching! We're making money, money, money, money, money.
No diggity, no doubt.
I like to bag it up.
This is fucking wonderful, homes.
I'm loving how you sexualized the food.
This is perfect for a shopping mall.
It's very sexy.
The only thing I'm seeing I'd like to put an amend on, perhaps a little more room here for the fixins.
You know what I'm talking about? Ooh.
We're gonna have a lot of fixins? Dude, we're gonna have so many fucking fixins up in this motherfucker.
We call the sauce station the sauce rack.
- Ooh! - Get it? Goes with the tit theme.
- Oh yeah.
- So every single sauce needs to have a double entendre sexual name.
- Do you understand? - Instead of bacon bits, bacon tits.
- Ooh.
That's fucking good.
Hell yeah.
- Yeah.
This shit's gonna go through the roof, man.
Goddamn, I'm shitting gold these days.
Kinda makes me wonder why the hell so many people are trying to tell me to slow down.
Seems like motherfuckers should be shutting the hell up and enjoying the show.
Who the fuck is trying to tell you to fucking slow down?! - Guy Young, for one.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Telling me I'm becoming too popular too quick.
I need to lower my energy.
I mean, goddamn, dude.
I'm reaching my potential.
The audience loves me and now he wants me to adhere to his leadership? I ain't trying to hear that, see? Well, Kenny, we got a good thing going here, right? I finally got the respect of my wife and kids.
You have a fucking pool.
Guy Young, he's been in this business a long time.
So maybe you should just, you know, follow his lead and listen to him.
Nah.
He ain't trying to think about what the audiences want.
Homeboy's scared.
He senses my dangerous potential.
Trying to confine me to the Scottie Pippen role.
I don't know about that.
I mean, I've been Scottie Pippen for a while now and it's pretty awesome.
I mean, plenty of pussy and cash for nasty old Scottie Pippen.
Well, that might be all right for you but I was born to fly, dog.
Michael Jordan.
Air Jordan's.
Air Max's.
Number 24.
Woo! We are infinite! You looking for that mallet but this ain't Red Lobster, sweetheart.
They don't give you mallets in the fucking expensive restaurants.
I bet you love sucking on them crab legs as opposed to sucking on some goddamn therapy too, huh? Spending money.
Drinking expensive cognac.
Mmm.
Go on, girl.
Get that white meat.
Yeah.
Keep it down.
Yeah, yeah.
Swallow that load of gold, baby.
- Kenny, stop it.
- No, but seriously.
You charmed? No? Not yet? Well then.
Maybe you ought to take a look underneath your seat.
Go on.
What? $3,000 Chanel purse.
Wa-pow.
- Take a look inside.
- Oh my God.
Kindle Paperwhite.
Pre-loaded with over 500 e-books.
Including all of Dean R.
Koontz's novels.
Take a look at that side pocket.
What's in there? $500.
Ha-ha-ha.
Whoa, hold on.
I think I gotta take a shit.
Oh.
There's a hundred bucks.
Hey, what's that? - What? - Something's behind your ear over here.
Hundred dollar bill.
Damn, all this giving's making me thirsty.
Whoop! Look out.
Chump change.
This is what I was afraid of.
This is right now what's happening is my biggest fear.
I feel like you're not taking me seriously.
I feel like you are getting caught up in the bullshit.
- You're not listening to me.
- OK, I'm listening.
What the fuck do you want me to do? I want to go to therapy.
Oh.
Jesus Christ.
Please, can we go? We need it.
OK, fine.
You know what? - You wanna go to therapy? - Yes.
Let's waste our money on therapy.
That's fine.
Not because we can't afford it.
'Cause trust me, sweetheart, we can afford it.
It's just, my motto's always been, "Just 'cause you have money you don't need to be wasting it on frivolous nonsense.
" But if my wife wants fucking therapy, then, looks like we're going to see a therapist.
Thank you.
Now then, can we please enjoy this luxurious dinner? - Yeah, we can.
- Garçon.
Finest bottle of white zinfandel, please.
No.
I'm OK.
Bellissima.
Bravo! Fuck yeah.
Bellissima.
Bellissimas.
Isn't this the picture of tranquility? Billy.
Trent.
You guys can take the children upstairs.
You're relieved of your duties for this evening.
Thank you for your services.
Good night.
Pleasant dreams.
You know, I'm kinda tired too.
So I'm gonna go to bed.
But, um I just wanna thank you for tonight.
Yeah.
Good night.
Oh, stop everything, ladies.
You can't improve on perfection.
- Look at you.
- Hell yeah, that's right.
- Good looking.
- Ah, man.
Champion.
You ready to rock today's show? You know me, Guy.
Always ready to bust a nut on this television audience.
OK.
But remember what we talked about? Right? Oh yeah.
That's what I mean, like, bust a nut, but, at the same time, remember my place.
That's right.
So you're usually about an eleven, we're gonna bring it down to a five or a six, OK? All right.
That's what you ask for, that's what you're gonna get.
Hey.
You're my favorite co-host.
- Thank you.
- Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Good to see you again.
Some good advice, Kenny.
Five or a six.
Welcome back to another session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and I don't know how I got talked into this segment.
We're here with Jeff, the animal expert.
And we have a What do we have with us? It's called a black and white ruffed lemur.
You know those eyes remind me of Rodney's ex-wife.
Not cool.
Oh, we got another one coming in.
Great.
And what is this? This isn't a lemur.
This is called an anteater.
A tamandua.
They smell like weed in an Italian restaurant.
- I see that.
- Get in there.
Get right in there.
- Get right - Ahh, I don't want it to bite me.
I'm seeing so many missed joke opportunities here.
All right.
Hey, keep an eye on this thing.
- I don't want it - I will.
You're safe.
- Oh, now who's this? - I promise you.
This is Bella.
She's a white belly or black handed spider monkey.
- Is that right? - Look, I bet he won't even say anything - about spanking the monkey.
- Mischievous, these monkeys? Oh yeah.
You gotta keep your eye on these guys.
They'll steal your jewelry.
And when they do that do you ever spank the monkey? All right.
Well, OK.
That was kind of obvious.
- He got that one.
- Would you let me feed Bella? Is that OK? No.
She doesn't take food from strangers.
No.
We do we teach her the whole "stranger danger" I see, I see.
Well, that's probably safer - for both parties.
- Sure.
Fuck this.
I think it's time to stop monkeying around.
Kenny's cutting in.
No, that's all right, Ken.
We're good over here.
We're cool.
- We're good.
Sit back down.
- Cutting in.
Guy, let me take this.
If there's one thing I know, it's monkey business.
Oh yeah.
Is that right? Do you have a special relationship - with monkeys, do you? - Well, you know I got people in Atlanta.
And they all love Skittles, red Kool-Aid and some of them even like Froot Loops.
That's right.
Bella, you like Froot Loops? Oooh.
There we go.
Huh.
- Oh.
Wonderful.
- Aww.
Wonderful.
I think Bella and me are making a little connection here, huh? Ooh, I found me a date to the prom.
Oh yeah.
Put on some Jodeci.
Let's slow dance, Bella.
What you say? What you say? They say greatness comes at a cost.
If you want to achieve legendary status, you must make certain sacrifices.
The demands of others often times conflict with the demands of living an exceptional life.
It takes a goddamn superman to meet all the expectations put upon a celebrity figure nowadays.
Could Schwarzenegger have ascended to the top of both film and politics if he had actually given a fuck about his family? Huh.
I doubt it.
Would Alexander the Great have conquered the world if he had dialed it back? Is it even possible to reconcile the needs of others with the need to win, when winning often means defeating your rivals at any cost? Any word from your husband? He must be running late.
I suppose it remains to be seen.
But there is one simple truth that you can always rely on in this fucked up world.
Victory is it's own reward.
We have to make sure they realize we are one of them.
And fart! *** *** Guy is the sorest loser there is.
*** Wanna go into battle with me, KP? Come on, let's go! You're dead weight! Get him out of the boat! We're gonna change your lives.
Get ready for victory! You're with the champion now.
Are the kids in bed? Water.
Mother nature's piss.
And it's what brings us here today, together.
The unveiling of my luxurious, brand new swimming pool.
That's right.
I did this.
My own brother, so full of envy over my success, that son of a bitch didn't even show up here today.
But his wife showed up.
Cassie, big ups to you for being supportive.
You've got much bigger balls than your husband does.
Much better man than him.
Mere months ago, I was in the darkest, dirtiest, shittiest hole of my life.
Standing in a crowded room while my wife was being honored.
And I was miserable.
But finally, all the struggles and sleepless nights Dixie.
Dixie? Dixie! Get out of here, Gene.
Security, get him - the fuck out of here.
- I need to talk to you, baby.
I love you! What the fuck are you doing? - Get off me! - Gene - No adulterers allowed.
- Put me the fuck down, asshole! - Loser.
- Anyway, what I was saying was even though things were that dark, I persevered.
And I never stopped going for what I wanted.
And now look what's happened.
Oops.
Somebody got a salt water motherfucking pool.
That's right.
So let the deep sparkly waters serve as a symbol to each of you, that if you work hard enough, you dream big enough, anything is possible.
Pool's open, y'all! Woo-hoo! Whoo! Wooo! $5,000 suit, y'all.
$5,000 suit and I don't even care! Wooo! My pool party was the shit.
Now bring them big old titties over here.
- Come on.
- Listen to me.
What were you meaning when you were talking about my award today.
You said that you were miserable.
Mmm.
I think maybe you need to stop paying attention to that shit and you need to come over here and suck on that dick.
Not happening.
- I'm about to buy that pussy then.
- Don't buy it.
- Whoo.
Look at this.
- Hm-mm.
- I think I'm about to pay for this shit.
- Don't get close to me.
- You can not do that.
- I can do it.
- It's happening right now.
- Not gonna accept it.
I'm bout to fucking make it rain on your head.
Come on.
- Rick Ross.
Rick Ross.
- Take it back.
- Shake it, girl.
Shake it.
- Look at you.
No.
- Shake it.
- Look at you being so obnoxious with money.
Why you trying to cause class warfare on my ass here? Insult a man 'cause I'm trying to share my wealth.
I think that you're losing touch.
- Speaking of losing touch.
- What? - Honk.
- No.
No.
You know, I've been talking to Tel and Viv about their therapist that they're seeing.
- A therapist? - Yep.
Some motherfucker with a little flute? No.
Makes a fucking cobra come out of a basket.
Listen, Viv said that they're therapist has helped them communicate better.
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
Therapists, all they do is they try to fucking smooth everybody out, keep everybody even, walking in a straight line.
I got no interest in that.
The only kind of therapy you need is that ding-a-ling therapy.
Not in the mood tonight.
You playing? Well, too bad, baby doll.
You're on the clock.
I done just bought that pussy.
This shit's paid for.
We in Thailand.
Come on, le boy.
Dance for me.
- Good night.
Good night.
- Make dance for me.
- Thai boy, dance for me.
- Nobody is Good night.
Come here, let me spit on you.
Good night.
Yeah, yeah.
Stop, drop, open up shop.
Look up here, y'all.
I return to you victorious.
Just like I promised I would.
I won that motherfucking Dragon Boat race, and with the winnings, I've turned this disgusting field into a state-of-the-art little league facility.
I got rid of the sofa.
God rid of the hypodermics, the tampons.
Got rid of the goddamn thrown up sizzurp that was everywhere.
- The orange drank.
- All that drank-drank is gone.
And on top of it, I also hooked y'all up with some new gear.
Whoomp.
There it all is.
Come.
Enjoy, my childrens.
Yeah, yeah.
Go on in there.
Break you off some.
Enjoy new things for the very first time in your lives.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck? Is that kid stealing the shit? - I think so.
- Go get his ass.
Hey! Off the bike! Get your poor ass off the bike! Come on, man.
He's getting half way down the fucking street.
Punch it! Hey, man.
That's my bike! That motherfucker's an assassin.
So let that be a lesson to you guys, all right? Question.
Yes.
Ja Rule.
- Who are you? - Who am I? I'm your handsome white Jesus, motherfucker.
Yeah.
Yes, yes, y'all.
It's time for the Sports Sesh.
What's happening? What's happening? All right, all right, all right.
Well, welcome back to another sesh of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and, uh Let's address the elephant in the room, we lost another co-host.
Unfortunately, Jed Forney, a very dear friend, he left the show.
And he won't be coming back.
He left for personal reasons, and, um Well, I don't know what they are.
And, quite frankly, I don't care.
Let's move on to our first hot topic and she is hot.
Cat Cora, "Iron Chef" from the Food Network.
Are you kidding me? Ha-ha.
How you doing, darling? Good to see you.
- You too.
- Aw.
You look great.
Good to be here.
Thank you.
All right.
Well, it's playoff time.
Let's get into it.
- Well, I'm making Gameday Nachos.
- Mmm.
- First, you start with a bean and cheese base.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then we add aromatics.
- Aroma you got - Things like onions.
- I love onions.
Just don't kiss your girlfriend right afterwards.
That's right.
- And jalapeño peppers.
- Wow.
Jalapeño peppers? Kenny's cutting in.
Uh-oh.
- Ha-ha! - Uh-oh.
Kenny, get back over there with the co-hosts, OK? Behave yourself.
Get over there.
Get back Get back over there.
Cat, you know why I love jalapeño peppers so goddamn much? - Why's that, Kenny? - Oh, because they're so spicy! Goddamn, they're spicy.
We making something.
Maybe it's nachos, maybe it's a kid.
Who knows.
I gotta ask you a question here, Cat.
- Yeah.
- Have you ever seen a human motherfucker eat a shitload of peppers before? - Oh - Uh, I don't know, Kenny.
Those peppers are pretty hot.
Oh.
Who wants to see me eat Oh I don't think we have time for that.
You do.
You at home do.
Ready? One.
Count 'em off, everybody.
- One! - Those are pretty hot.
- Yeah.
Go, Kenny.
Go.
- Here he goes.
- Three! - Three.
So hot! - Four! - I can't believe it.
Just - Gluttonous.
- Kenny! Kenny! So hot! Come on, Kenny.
- Ahh.
- Oh God! Mas cervezas! Goddamn.
Look at your kids.
Little Mexican jumping beans.
Here you go, more beers.
Yeah.
There you go, Graciosas, Marias.
De nada, de nada, Kenny.
Guess I should make some food? Nah, baby.
Just business right now.
- OK.
- Come here.
Come here.
- Oh yeah.
- I want you so badly.
Uh, hey.
OK.
Hey.
What the fuck.
- Oh yeah.
- Come on.
You wait for me in the bedroom, bitch.
- OK.
- Put that pussy on ice.
Me and Maria been fucking like cave people since I've been getting paid, man.
My dick's all pruny from being up in that sweet punany.
Sounds like 50 Shades of Gross to me, motherfucker.
- Ha-ha.
- Now it's time for you to take out that notepad software.
I want to talk a little bidness.
Mm-hmm.
What do you have in mind to talk about today? Well, there's no doubt my stock is soaring.
I'm more recognizable than I have ever been.
- True.
- I think it's high time we finally cash in on these lucrative opportunities that my fame has brought upon us.
Yeah, OK.
I like this.
Tell me more.
I think it's time Kenny Powers opens up a motherfucking restaurant chain.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
Oh Yes.
The concept Well, it's simply brilliant.
It's TNT.
You know what it stands for? It's like a code or something.
Oh yeah.
The "T" is for taters.
"N" is for and.
And the final "T" Tits.
'Cause all the waitresses at TNT - have huge tits.
Taters 'N' Tits.
- Oh my God.
How on earth did you even think of this? How does any genius figure out his inventions? I mean, how did Leonardo DiCaprio figure out about gravity? 'Cause the bitch was sleeping underneath a tree and an apple hit him on his head.
This is amazing.
I'm all over this.
Whew.
Look at the men we've become, huh.
And on a personal side note, those contacts are doing wonders for your look.
- Oh Oh, thank you.
- You got those Paul Walker eyes.
I'm thinking about fixing my other weak zones too.
Oh, like your chin? Wha My ch What's wrong with my chin? See, it's almost just like a high neck fold.
From your profile here, it's just face down to tits.
It's just nothing.
It's like a fucking little nub at the bottom of your face.
Yeah, my chin is shitty.
Goddamn it.
OK.
Look, Kenny is here.
Don't freak out, OK? He brought gifts for the boys.
Honey, he wants forgiveness.
All right? Maybe just hear him out.
Oh! Fuck yeah! Huh? Love that shit.
Doesn't it feel good? Man, you just take that deep breath.
Bow! Shoot a man right in his heart.
Ha-ha.
Meatloaf, how you liking that guitar? - It's the shit, huh? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey! Yo, Dustin.
What's up? - I came to buy back your forgiveness.
- The fuck are you doing - giving my kid an assault rifle.
- Hey, man.
Dustin Jr is a well adjusted kid.
He's responsible enough to own an assault rifle.
Notice I didn't get Wayne one.
I'm thinking this thing through.
Take it back.
Return it.
You should hold on to that, man.
They're about to ban that shit.
I'm trying to protect your household.
How much? - What are you doing? - Come on.
How much is your forgiveness worth? Put your money away.
Take the damn rifle.
Say a number.
I'll break you a piece off.
No.
Not a chance.
Take it.
Take the guitar.
Get the fuck off my property.
God, Dustin.
Can't you just grow up for a second? I'm trying to reach out to you and be the bigger man, all right? I love you, brother.
And I just wanna discuss our issues.
I'm just trying to make good here, all right? I don't know how to fucking make up with people, all right? It's not something I usually do.
But for whatever reason, it's important to me that you and I are just not enemies.
It just doesn't feel right.
I feel like things are all fucked up and gross just because you and I aren't friends.
I don't like it.
Dustin, he is clearly hurting.
I mean, look at him.
Ow.
Owie.
- OK.
Come on.
Be the bigger man.
- I'm hurting.
Help me.
OK.
Just tell him how you feel.
You wanna get into this right here? I'd love to, brother.
For one thing, you really hurt me.
- When you when you faked your own death.
- I know.
And we were all really worried, Kenny.
Hold on for one second.
Just, my shit's blowing up real quick.
- Kenny, I'm talking to you.
- Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
- I thought we were gonna - Guy Young just text me.
Kenny, you just said you wanted to talk about this.
No, I do but, yeah.
It's Guy Young.
He's my boss.
It's work, so This motherfucker sends the funniest emoticons.
Put the phone away.
Oh, he wants me to come out to the lake.
OK, look.
You're obviously upset.
I can see that.
Why don't you just gather your thoughts.
Really think about what's hurting you and then figure out a good way to like, formulay it - that everyone can understand.
- Formulate it.
That's what I said, all right? Love you guys.
Really nice to see everyone.
Before I go Love you guys.
What the fuck is that? Whoa.
There he is, Kenny Powers.
Guy! - What's up, KP? - You look cool as fuck out there, dude! - Woo! - It's fucking priceless.
- Woo! - Holy shit! - Goddamn.
- Pretty impressive little unit, huh? Dude, that's it.
I'm fucking getting one of those.
- That's the shit.
- Yeah, well, they're about a quarter million a pop, so I think they might be a little bit out of your range there, KP.
I might have to check with the wife.
I still think it might be a little out of your range.
Well, we'll see.
I'll check with my wife.
Speaking of which, I wanted to talk to you about the show for a minute.
- OK, yeah.
What's up? - Look.
Kenny, I don't wanna I don't wanna hurt your feelings, you know what I mean? But I feel like you need to take your performance down a little bit on the show.
- Just take it down a notch.
- Oh yeah? I'm just doing what you told me to do.
Just being myself, man.
Wild card's gonna be wild, right? Sure, sure.
But If I'm being honest, I'm starting to see shades of Dontel here.
- Ew, yuck.
Are you serious? - Little bit.
I mean, case in point.
You know how nobody came over for the nacho bit? But you came over for the nacho bit.
You don't have to come over for every bit.
You know what I mean? - You don't have to do that.
- Well, I mean, I just was kinda feeling the vibe of the audience.
You know, I thought I had 'em in stitches.
Right, right.
But if you come over and you eat the peppers and then I can't eat the peppers then I'm left with no options.
I'm painted into a corner, right? I look like a fucking boob.
Well, dude, I'm not trying to make you look like boobs.
I just I didn't think eating peppers was like your thing.
It's not about the goddamn peppers, Kenny! OK? It's about your place on the show.
I mean, like this fucking jet pack.
I spent my whole life working my ass off to afford something like this and then you walk up and you're like, "Hey, I'm gonna get me one of those.
" No, you're not, motherfucker.
No.
One, because you can't afford it and, two, because you haven't fucking earned it.
- Got it? - I wasn't talking about getting one right now.
I just meant like, eventually it would be cool to like, go buy one.
No, but you shouldn't even be thinking about jet packs, Kenny.
OK? You're not there yet.
And this Kenny cutting in shit, that's gotta go, OK? Those one-on-ones, that's my shit.
That's my domain, got it? People seem to like the "Kenny's cutting in.
" Oh, God.
Kenny, fucking A, man.
Listen to what I'm saying.
All right? Everything we do, we do for the best of the show.
- And for you.
- Yeah, and for me.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, that's right.
Because I'm the star of the show.
Not you, me.
I'm the fucking star.
OK? - Yeah, OK.
I got it.
- You cool with that? Yeah, you're the main star of the show.
OK.
Just remember, Kenny not everybody can fly, buddy.
Not everybody can fly.
See ya.
Don't stay out too late, dude.
Now, Kenny.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
You know how you said we don't wanna be fucking Pinkberry? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, what do you think about starting with something along the lines of Boom! That kiosk right there.
Check it out.
This is how it's gonna work.
First, we'll get people's attention with how hot and how banging our waitresses are, right? And then, when they walk over, they're gonna smell those baked potatoes cooking in the microwave and ka-ching! We're making money, money, money, money, money.
No diggity, no doubt.
I like to bag it up.
This is fucking wonderful, homes.
I'm loving how you sexualized the food.
This is perfect for a shopping mall.
It's very sexy.
The only thing I'm seeing I'd like to put an amend on, perhaps a little more room here for the fixins.
You know what I'm talking about? Ooh.
We're gonna have a lot of fixins? Dude, we're gonna have so many fucking fixins up in this motherfucker.
We call the sauce station the sauce rack.
- Ooh! - Get it? Goes with the tit theme.
- Oh yeah.
- So every single sauce needs to have a double entendre sexual name.
- Do you understand? - Instead of bacon bits, bacon tits.
- Ooh.
That's fucking good.
Hell yeah.
- Yeah.
This shit's gonna go through the roof, man.
Goddamn, I'm shitting gold these days.
Kinda makes me wonder why the hell so many people are trying to tell me to slow down.
Seems like motherfuckers should be shutting the hell up and enjoying the show.
Who the fuck is trying to tell you to fucking slow down?! - Guy Young, for one.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Telling me I'm becoming too popular too quick.
I need to lower my energy.
I mean, goddamn, dude.
I'm reaching my potential.
The audience loves me and now he wants me to adhere to his leadership? I ain't trying to hear that, see? Well, Kenny, we got a good thing going here, right? I finally got the respect of my wife and kids.
You have a fucking pool.
Guy Young, he's been in this business a long time.
So maybe you should just, you know, follow his lead and listen to him.
Nah.
He ain't trying to think about what the audiences want.
Homeboy's scared.
He senses my dangerous potential.
Trying to confine me to the Scottie Pippen role.
I don't know about that.
I mean, I've been Scottie Pippen for a while now and it's pretty awesome.
I mean, plenty of pussy and cash for nasty old Scottie Pippen.
Well, that might be all right for you but I was born to fly, dog.
Michael Jordan.
Air Jordan's.
Air Max's.
Number 24.
Woo! We are infinite! You looking for that mallet but this ain't Red Lobster, sweetheart.
They don't give you mallets in the fucking expensive restaurants.
I bet you love sucking on them crab legs as opposed to sucking on some goddamn therapy too, huh? Spending money.
Drinking expensive cognac.
Mmm.
Go on, girl.
Get that white meat.
Yeah.
Keep it down.
Yeah, yeah.
Swallow that load of gold, baby.
- Kenny, stop it.
- No, but seriously.
You charmed? No? Not yet? Well then.
Maybe you ought to take a look underneath your seat.
Go on.
What? $3,000 Chanel purse.
Wa-pow.
- Take a look inside.
- Oh my God.
Kindle Paperwhite.
Pre-loaded with over 500 e-books.
Including all of Dean R.
Koontz's novels.
Take a look at that side pocket.
What's in there? $500.
Ha-ha-ha.
Whoa, hold on.
I think I gotta take a shit.
Oh.
There's a hundred bucks.
Hey, what's that? - What? - Something's behind your ear over here.
Hundred dollar bill.
Damn, all this giving's making me thirsty.
Whoop! Look out.
Chump change.
This is what I was afraid of.
This is right now what's happening is my biggest fear.
I feel like you're not taking me seriously.
I feel like you are getting caught up in the bullshit.
- You're not listening to me.
- OK, I'm listening.
What the fuck do you want me to do? I want to go to therapy.
Oh.
Jesus Christ.
Please, can we go? We need it.
OK, fine.
You know what? - You wanna go to therapy? - Yes.
Let's waste our money on therapy.
That's fine.
Not because we can't afford it.
'Cause trust me, sweetheart, we can afford it.
It's just, my motto's always been, "Just 'cause you have money you don't need to be wasting it on frivolous nonsense.
" But if my wife wants fucking therapy, then, looks like we're going to see a therapist.
Thank you.
Now then, can we please enjoy this luxurious dinner? - Yeah, we can.
- Garçon.
Finest bottle of white zinfandel, please.
No.
I'm OK.
Bellissima.
Bravo! Fuck yeah.
Bellissima.
Bellissimas.
Isn't this the picture of tranquility? Billy.
Trent.
You guys can take the children upstairs.
You're relieved of your duties for this evening.
Thank you for your services.
Good night.
Pleasant dreams.
You know, I'm kinda tired too.
So I'm gonna go to bed.
But, um I just wanna thank you for tonight.
Yeah.
Good night.
Oh, stop everything, ladies.
You can't improve on perfection.
- Look at you.
- Hell yeah, that's right.
- Good looking.
- Ah, man.
Champion.
You ready to rock today's show? You know me, Guy.
Always ready to bust a nut on this television audience.
OK.
But remember what we talked about? Right? Oh yeah.
That's what I mean, like, bust a nut, but, at the same time, remember my place.
That's right.
So you're usually about an eleven, we're gonna bring it down to a five or a six, OK? All right.
That's what you ask for, that's what you're gonna get.
Hey.
You're my favorite co-host.
- Thank you.
- Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
Good to see you again.
Some good advice, Kenny.
Five or a six.
Welcome back to another session of Sports Sesh.
I'm Guy Young and I don't know how I got talked into this segment.
We're here with Jeff, the animal expert.
And we have a What do we have with us? It's called a black and white ruffed lemur.
You know those eyes remind me of Rodney's ex-wife.
Not cool.
Oh, we got another one coming in.
Great.
And what is this? This isn't a lemur.
This is called an anteater.
A tamandua.
They smell like weed in an Italian restaurant.
- I see that.
- Get in there.
Get right in there.
- Get right - Ahh, I don't want it to bite me.
I'm seeing so many missed joke opportunities here.
All right.
Hey, keep an eye on this thing.
- I don't want it - I will.
You're safe.
- Oh, now who's this? - I promise you.
This is Bella.
She's a white belly or black handed spider monkey.
- Is that right? - Look, I bet he won't even say anything - about spanking the monkey.
- Mischievous, these monkeys? Oh yeah.
You gotta keep your eye on these guys.
They'll steal your jewelry.
And when they do that do you ever spank the monkey? All right.
Well, OK.
That was kind of obvious.
- He got that one.
- Would you let me feed Bella? Is that OK? No.
She doesn't take food from strangers.
No.
We do we teach her the whole "stranger danger" I see, I see.
Well, that's probably safer - for both parties.
- Sure.
Fuck this.
I think it's time to stop monkeying around.
Kenny's cutting in.
No, that's all right, Ken.
We're good over here.
We're cool.
- We're good.
Sit back down.
- Cutting in.
Guy, let me take this.
If there's one thing I know, it's monkey business.
Oh yeah.
Is that right? Do you have a special relationship - with monkeys, do you? - Well, you know I got people in Atlanta.
And they all love Skittles, red Kool-Aid and some of them even like Froot Loops.
That's right.
Bella, you like Froot Loops? Oooh.
There we go.
Huh.
- Oh.
Wonderful.
- Aww.
Wonderful.
I think Bella and me are making a little connection here, huh? Ooh, I found me a date to the prom.
Oh yeah.
Put on some Jodeci.
Let's slow dance, Bella.
What you say? What you say? They say greatness comes at a cost.
If you want to achieve legendary status, you must make certain sacrifices.
The demands of others often times conflict with the demands of living an exceptional life.
It takes a goddamn superman to meet all the expectations put upon a celebrity figure nowadays.
Could Schwarzenegger have ascended to the top of both film and politics if he had actually given a fuck about his family? Huh.
I doubt it.
Would Alexander the Great have conquered the world if he had dialed it back? Is it even possible to reconcile the needs of others with the need to win, when winning often means defeating your rivals at any cost? Any word from your husband? He must be running late.
I suppose it remains to be seen.
But there is one simple truth that you can always rely on in this fucked up world.
Victory is it's own reward.