Empty Nest (1988) s04e05 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one - one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something i will never be I'm always here for anything you need anything you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on Oh.
dolphins' greatest game ever, and we have to leave.
We beat the traffic.
Carol, there was no traffic.
Everybody was still in the stadium, glued to their seats! I was nearly killed by that field goal.
You would've seen the ball, if you hadn't turned around and told the crowd to be quiet.
Then everybody started that stupid wave.
That wasn't the wave.
That was a show of hands from all the people who wanted to throw you out.
You okay, Charley? - Oh, me, I'm fine.
- You sure? Yeah, I didn't see you smile all night, even when the ball hit Carol.
That's right.
Come on, something's got to be the matter.
Well, you know, I was furloughed from the ship, while I scraped the barnacles off the thing-a-ma-gig.
I believe that's called a hull, Charley.
Whatever.
Anyway, the last four weeks, I've been rattling around that big house of mine just thinking.
Do you know what I realized? That you can't decorate an entire house in aluminum patio furniture? No, that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
I mean, other than chasing women, and going to work, and chasing women, what does life mean? Why was I put on this earth? To remind us that there is a hell.
Charley, maybe you've been having this free time to give you a chance to look around at some other things.
I mean, if you're unhappy, maybe you should think about a career change.
I thought about that.
I even went to the junior college and took one of those aptitude tests.
They said I had incredibly high scores in east Asian history.
Well, that's great.
Charley, I didn't know that you had that kind of ability.
I don't.
I copied off the Japanese guy next to me.
Maybe he can teach you hara-kiri.
Now, how can you be so insensitive? Can't you see that Charley is reaching out? He's our friend.
We should be here for him.
You're right.
I'm here for you, Charley.
Good, I'm going to bed.
You know, Charley, if you really want to help yourself, there are some excellent books i could recommend.
You mean, like, read? Daddy, Carol, come quick! What is it? We've been burglarized.
Daddy, the stereo's gone! They took the TV! Oh, my god, they took the vcr.
I was taping designing women.
And it was supposed to be an especially bitter one.
Wait here.
What are you put What are you doing? Put that thing away.
This is awful.
I don't believe it.
They could still be upstairs.
That's right, somebody should call the police! Daddy, I am the police! I know, I forgot, I forgot.
My daughter with the gun is the police.
Charley, we've been robbed.
Oh, so I gather we're through discussing my problem.
Yes, for the time being, Charley.
- Well, how much time? - I don't know! Charley, we've been robbed! It's so horrible.
It's like we've been violated.
So probably not until tomorrow is what you're saying? - All clear.
- Thank god.
They took a lot of stuff.
What kind of weirdo steals a silk kimono? Emperor kamahito, the third century, used to do it all the time.
Oh, this guy next to me was really smart, Harry.
Charley, maybe you should go now.
Yeah, I've got to think about my life, my future, my purpose on this planet, or I could rent a video.
Dreyfuss, where's dreyf? Dreyfuss? Ah.
Sure, now you're ready to kill.
It's okay.
They're gone.
Daddy, I think I'm going to be sick.
It's okay, it's okay, sweetheart.
It's all over.
I checked upstairs.
Nobody's there.
It's perfectly safe.
- How can you be so sure? - I just told you I checked.
I'm never going upstairs again.
Oh, grow up! What if he robs us again? What if he comes back? What are we going to do? Why don't you just date him, and he'll never come back.
Barbara, you may see this every day, but we don't, and Carol's not the only one who's scared here.
So am I.
And put that gun away.
That really scares the hell out of me.
Yeah, put it away.
I hate those things.
Daddy, if someone broke in while we were home, I think you'd want me around.
Well, yeah, sure- what are you implying? - Nothing.
No, you meant something by that.
I felt she meant something by that, daddy.
What, are you saying i should get a gun? Oh, daddy would never own a gun.
He even signed my handgun petition.
I was the first.
It's not the new leave it to beaver out there.
We have to protect ourselves.
No gun, no way, period.
All right, all right, maybe a gun is not a good idea, but I know this guy.
He's an ex-cop.
He runs a security business.
He can help us.
Barbara, we don't need to get involved with guns and ex-cops.
I mean, couldn't we just train dreyfuss to be a watch dog? And we could put the control pad right here.
This is a wise move, folks.
The chances are, you could be hit again by the very same guys.
But this is not just a security system.
This is the danger alert 2000.
Let me ask you something.
As a doctor, do you keep drugs on the premises? Well, yeah, some for emergencies.
Do you have any Prozac? No, why? I'm feeling a little depressed.
I'm kidding! You're right, Weston.
The old man's a little uptight.
Slocum, stick to the presentation.
Right.
How many panic buttons do you think you'll need? You hit one of these babies, the cops will come running.
- I need one for my bedroom.
- And I'll take one.
And I'll take one in my room, so give us three.
What if someone wants a midnight snack? Right, we've got to get one for Charley.
That's - Four.
- Oh, and we also need one in the garage.
You buy six, you get a free NFL bloopers tape.
Why don't you just give us 12.
That way, we'll have one in every room.
How much are they? $99.
99 each.
We'll take three.
We also offer karate lessons, sidearm, sidearm training.
What do you think, daddy? Maybe we do need more protection.
No, no, no, no, let's just keep it simple.
You want simple? I've got a guy named cletus.
He'll sleep in your backyard for 12 bucks a night.
Cut the jokes.
No wonder your partner tried to shoot you.
Now, look, no, the alarm system is good enough for now.
Okey dokey.
You give me a check, and we'll get started.
Okay.
It's cheaper to get robbed.
So how's that new security system workin' out? Well, Carol's hit the panic button five times in two days.
I have my own security system.
Smith Wesson and their six hollow pointed little young'uns.
Laverne, you own a gun? Does possum taste better the second day? I hope so.
Daddy.
Hey, Carol, what are you doing here? When I got home, i saw someone lurking inside, pounding on the code pad.
I didn't want be accused of once more crying wolf, - so I came here.
- Not again.
Maybe it was Charley you saw.
No, daddy, I saw Charley.
He was in his backyard, hosing down his living room set.
He just made fun of me.
All right, all right, Carol.
Come on, we'll go check.
Laverne, I'm sorry to leave you here alone.
Can, can, can, can you lock up by yourself? What do you mean? Turn the key all by my lonesome? I don't know.
I've never done that before.
You'd better leave a number where I can reach you.
No, don't leave, don't leave! How do I turn the lights off? Is it up, or is it down? Well, I guess I went too far.
I'm really sorry for the trouble, guys.
No problem.
What's going on? I don't get it.
Something must have set the alarm off.
I punched in the code.
It was Barbara you saw.
And then, when they called, they told me i gave the wrong password.
Oh, I changed the password.
What did you do that for, Carol? It took you two days to come up with "Freud.
" "Freud" just seemed too obvious, so I changed it to "rosenstern.
" - Who's rosenstern? - My therapist.
I thought you were going to Grossman.
Grossman's for my eating disorder.
All right.
Carol, that's it.
No more, no, I can't take it anymore.
No more false alarms, no more passwords, no more changes.
- Got it? - I'm sorry, daddy, but I'm just not feeling very secure.
Barbara, would you come upstairs with me? I have to go to the bathroom.
Gross! Let me know when you have to go.
Daddy? Carol, I'm not going in the bathroom with you, again! - I keep hearing noises.
- Honey, come on.
You have to quit being so jumpy.
Come here, baby.
Come on, come over here.
Sit down.
Come on, we'll watch a little TV.
- Huh? - You're right, daddy.
I'm just probably being foolish.
Right.
A young Miami beach woman was found dead this morning In what police say was a burglary gone awry.
Well, let's watch a movie instead.
Wait.
The victim's home had an elaborate security system, which was apparently foiled by the intruders.
Most of the body was discovered in the bathroom last night.
That's the typical media.
They're trying to make a big story out of anything.
Boy, I think I'd like to have a bite to eat.
Can I get you something, Carol? Yes, get me a gun.
I want a gun.
Hello, I just want you to know that I believe in the control of handguns and a waiting period of at least Barbara! Carol, if you are going to get a gun, this is the way you do it.
You buy a gun, and you take lessons from a trained professional.
Who wants a bang, bang? Oh, hello, Mr.
slocum.
I just want you to know that I do believe in the control of handguns, and an appropriate waiting period, and I take the idea of owning a firearm very seriously oh, my god.
Is that real Pearl? Pearl handle.
Oh, look, Barbara! Isn't that the cutest thing? It's a gun, Carol, not a puppy.
I think you'll be quite satisfied.
It's a .
32 caliber automatic, and it's quite popular with the palm beach set.
Oh no, no, no, no.
What am I doing? You know, statistics say the chances of killing someone in your own household, are greater than killing an intruder.
In untrained hands.
You should know how to protect yourself.
You can't be too careful.
There's a lot of creeps out there, and you're a very attractive young lady.
Oh well, be that as it may, and it is a point well taken, I just don't like those things.
Hold it, feel it, touch it.
It won't bite.
She's heard that before.
It does feel pretty good.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe you should wait.
It's a shame, though.
Studies show that all great sharpshooters possess grace, elegance, and exceptional intelligence.
I shot the paper man! I shot the paper man! Charley told me you were here.
I don't believe this, Carol, you of all people.
I know.
It goes against everything she whines about.
Now, I have thought this through very carefully, daddy.
Believe me, this is not something I want to do.
I mean, I am not a violent person.
You're getting there.
One to the heart, three to the crotchal area.
You shot off his Wally! Very nice! I have never seen this much precision, coupled with such venom.
You must be very proud.
Yeah, well, yes, I am.
But come on, let's get out of here.
Why don't you give it a try? Why? Why would I want to fire a gun? Think about it.
You have two wonderful, beautiful daughters.
Picture them dead.
Go with me on this one, Harry.
Now, imagine what you could've done to prevent it.
Look, look I know what you are going to say.
You're going to say, if you were ever confronted with this situation, you would talk your way out of it.
It doesn't work that way.
Why do you thing most people die with their mouths open? Go on, try it, daddy.
Do you want to use pearly? Okay, all right, I'll try it.
I really hate this.
Daddy, if you and Carol are alone in the house, do you want her to be the only one who knows how to use a gun? You talking to me? Are you talking to me? Well, you were looking at me.
Hasta la vista, bagel! Carol, put, put that down right away.
I will, daddy, just as soon as I'm finished cleaning pearly.
Have you named your gun yet, daddy? No, I have not named my gun.
Where is it? Locked up, like you should be.
- Hey.
- Hi, Laverne.
Would you like some breakfast? Oh, just coffee, thanks.
Laverne, what are you doing here, it's Saturday? You forgot to sign these insurance forms, per usual, and I want them off my books.
Oh, you got your gun permit.
Let me see, let me see.
Ooh, that's a pretty one.
Wait 'til you see the shoes i got for it.
Where's your gun, doctor? I'm not gonna show you my gun.
D'you get you one of them girly boy derringers? It's a 9-millimeter automatic.
Woo! So, Mr.
macho, they show you how to handle it at that fancy shootin' range? Yes, if I'm attacked by a paper man, I'm in good shape.
Did they tell you what to do if they is a perpetrator in the house? I know what to do.
I call 911.
Let's say the lines are cut.
Let's say i have a cellular phone.
Let's say the batteries are dead.
Let's say they're rechargeable.
Let's say they're a-comin' in the door now! Let's say I'm out the window! Let's say the window is stuck! Let's say I fire your ass! I guess this means you don't wanna huntin' with me this weekend.
All right, Laverne, I did it.
I got a gun, and I hope i never have to use it.
Well, so do I.
Let's get to signin' these forms.
All right.
Hi, Harry, Laverne.
Guns, big cities, violence in America.
I see you've been thinking.
Yeah, my friend has a place in the woods.
I'm going up there to do some heavy thinking.
Well, Charley, we'll miss you, and I hope you find yourself.
Big trip, Charley? Yeah, I'm heading up north for a couple of weeks.
Drivin'? Yeah, taking i-95 all the way.
Let's say i-95 is closed.
I'm starting to hate this thing.
It's all I think about, and I think about it all the time, because it's, it's not me.
I'm just not a gun person, dreyf.
Hello.
Hi, Barbara.
How late? Aw, that's a shame.
What? Anybody hurt? Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yeah, well, you be careful, dear.
I love you too, sweetheart.
Bye.
Liquor store holdup over on biscayne boulevard.
God, boy, what's, what's going on in the world here, dreyf? I miss the old days when people weren't afraid to leave their front doors unlocked, and their windows open.
Carol! Carol! - What is it, daddy? - I want your gun.
My gun, why? I know what you think.
You think I clean it too much.
The guns go back to slocum first thing in the morning.
Go.
Come on, get your gun.
You think it's some sort of sick penis envy.
What was that? What was what? I heard a noise.
- Maybe it's just Barbara.
- Shhh.
No, no, Barbara just called two minutes ago from downtown.
Oh, god, they're back! I'm getting my gun! No, Carol, don't! God! This is a big mistake Big mistake Big mistake Big mistake Big, big, big mistake, big mistake.
- They're still down there.
- I know, I know, I know.
Didn't you set the alarm? No, I thought you did.
Oh, god, help us.
Don't worry, daddy, I've got my gun.
God, help us! I forgot my bullets.
God did help us.
Just forget the bullets.
Just go, just call the police, call.
All right, the police.
- Daddy? - What? No matter what happens, i want you to know that I still believe in gun control.
All right! All right! All right! Maybe the guy downstairs will sign your petition! Go, call the police.
Stop, Dreyfus, stop! Kill, Dreyfus, kill! Shh.
Stay back, stay back.
Charley! Oh, my god! Charley, what the hell are you doing? At the moment, everything possible to keep from wetting myself.
Thanks for coming by.
They're going to be okay, sarge? Yeah, my dad will be fine.
They'll be studying my sister for years.
I feel like this whole thing is my fault.
I should've never introduced you to slocum.
I should've gone with my instincts.
I've lived 50 years without a gun.
I'm a doctor.
I save lives; I don't take them.
The statistics were right.
You have a gun in the house, you're going to wind up shooting someone you know.
Well, the guns go back to slocum in the morning.
Well, you'll get no argument from me, daddy.
I'd rather be scared once in a while than have those things around.
Charley, what the hell are you doing here? I thought you were up in the woods! Well, I was, but I hate the woods, so I came back.
By the way, i-95 is closed.
So the whole trip was a loss.
That's what I thought, too.
But tonight, I had this incredible insight.
When that bullet whizzed by, i saw the emptiness, the shallowness of my life, the womanizing, the mooching.
I've been nothing but a taker; but from now on, I'm going to be a giver.
And to think i almost took that life.
Oh, Charley, I'm so sorry.
Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? - Daddy? - What, baby? He's licking my ear.
Charley! Let go!