F is For Family (2015) s04e05 Episode Script

1
[beeping]
[Sue] Oh, God. Oh, God.
What was wrong with me?
A couple hours ago,
I couldn't even say the word "baby,"
but now
Please tell me everything's
gonna be all right.
Well, you're in luck.
The sack isn't ruptured.
The heartbeat is normal. Your baby is fi--
[wheezes]
Thank God.
God. Huh!
He gets all the praise,
yet I do all the work.
[coughing]
And there won't be any problems
with the delivery?
Don't you worry your pretty little head.
This delivery will go
just as easy as all your others,
thanks to the miracle of twilight sleep.
[coughs]
I'll inject you with a delicate cocktail
of morphine and scopolamine
so you'll experience
all the unbearable pain of childbirth,
but you won't remember a moment of it.
[coughing]
And you'll be strapped to the bed
so you won't harm yourself
while thrashing about due to
the psychotic side effects of the drugs.
Um
I know this is how I did it before,
but strapped down?
A sock in my mouth?
Isn't there maybe some other way
that isn't so I don't know, barbaric?
Ha! Barbaric was bleeding out
in the back of a covered wagon
while your prospector husband
tried to keep the savages at bay
with a Smith & Wesson
and a diseased blanket.
What we're doing here is compassionate!
Barbaric?!
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!
[laughs]
[coughs]
That's so funny
it's making my arm go numb! [laughs]
[coughs]
Gah!
[coughs]
[wheezes]
Oh, my God!
Is he?
He's with half of his patients now.
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
So X-ray machine, huh?
Yeah.
Government made us put it in.
Because of all the hijackings.
Hell of a way to spend
your Saturday night.
At least Sue's having fun
at her baby shower.
Maybe she'll come back sane.
Listen, uh son
Yeah?
[turn signal clicking]
You're taking a left on Jack Ruby Parkway?
Oh, yeah. Otherwise,
we'd be backed up to Ferndale.
What the hell is Ferndale?
-Ah, they renamed Chinaman's Ferry.
-They did not!
And they built a senior center
on top of the old dump.
Aw, you kids loved that dump.
[chuckles] I know!
Oh, that's where we found the
[both] fridge with the arm in it!
[Big Bill] Oh, yeah,
with the ring on the fing--
[both laughing]
[male announcer] Tonight, Chipsy White
stars in There's a Fairy on My Shoulder.
And then America's favorite wacky neighbor
saves a baby ocelot on Bruce Again!
Bruce again!
[snarling]
Out! Out! Out!
[announcer]
That's a very special Bruce Again!
right after an extremely predictable
There's a Fairy on My Shoulder.
[Sue] Poor Dr. McCallister.
He delivered all of my children. And me.
And my grandmother.
What am I supposed to do now?
You're better off without him, deary.
I shouldn't speak ill of the dead,
but the man was no saint.
He once left a pack of Lucky Strikes
in a ten-year-old's abdomen.
Now, let's get your husband to sign
your discharge papers and take you home.
I'm assuming he's in the bar downstairs.
No, he's supposed to be drinking
at home today, but I can't reach him.
I called and called,
but he's not answering.
Oh, that's a different story.
Come with me.
Unfortunately, we can't release any woman
until her husband or closest male relative
signs the papers.
What? That can't be right.
Oh, I'm afraid it is.
It's been hospital policy since we started
using malaria to cure syphilis. [chuckles]
-Wait in here.
-Unclaimed?
[indistinct chatter on TV]
[women crying]
[harmonica playing]
I'm sure you'll reach your husband soon.
-Mrs. Delvecchio, your husband called.
-Yes?
He's playing 36 holes, not 18.
Oh, God! [sobs]
[line ringing]
Jesus. Come on, Frank. Where are you?
[ringing]
[growling]
[Marie] Anthony!
[Babe] Where are you, little buddy?
I put you in charge of the kids
for a couple of hours,
and this is what happens?
Why wasn't my precious baby in his crib
with that old door on top of it?
Are you gonna let her
talk to you like that,
or are you gonna take off your shirt
and beat her like a man?
I'll deal with you after we find Anthony.
-He's out in the wild!
-Ah!
Huh?
I can't get to hockey now.
Whoever will tend the pipes?
Let Nana Rose take you.
This'll be fun.
I haven't driven
since your grandfather hurt his back
throwing rocks at Mussolini's corpse.
[Nana Rose scatting]
Uh
They call me Mr. Happy Guy ♪
That's such a great song.
Oh, thanks, yeah.
Vic, he's my neighbor. He's really cool.
He's gonna put us on his radio station,
and he has fish in his couch.
Anyway, he says I wrote it about you.
Well, did you?
Well, I wrote it about how good I feel
when I'm around you, so
[scoffs] yeah.
Well, since I'm your muse,
I get ten percent of the profits.
Ten percent? That's like half!
[chuckles] I'm joking.
Girls can make jokes too, you know.
Uh, doy! I understand jokes. And girls.
[chuckles] You're such a dork.
You're such a dork.
Would you mind
if I told everyone about this?
[Bill sighs] Thank God for hockey.
My whole day sucked.
My dad's an asshole, and it turns out
my grandpa's just an older asshole.
Well, at least you have a grandfather.
Mine suffocated in the chimney of a house
he was robbing when they lit the fire.
All right, listen up, boys!
I got some action on this game.
So all you got to do is lose
by four-and-a-half goals or less,
and Fitzy gets a payday.
We will make you money, sir!
All right, let's bring it in.
One, two, three.
[all] Cover the spread! Yeah!
-Anthony!
-Anthony!
[Babe] Anthony!
Come to Mama, and I'll let you play
with Daddy's lighter!
Here, kitty, kitty.
Ow. [grunts]
[humming]
[muttering]
[laughs]
Fairy on my shoulder!
He loves wings!
[giggling]
[both grunt]
[both laughing]
[grunts]
It's so cool. You can do whatever you want
with no parents around.
Yeah, being a latchkey kid is the tits.
[grunts]
-[gasps]
-Eh, it's okay. There's nothing in there.
My dad traded all our family photos
for a set of used snow tires.
Hey, let's eat.
I stole a can of Vienna sausages
from the men's shelter.
And some boots for when I get bigger.
That fucking Jimmy! He probably shoved
those sausages up his shit chute.
Aw. That's okay.
Don't worry. I know how to get
all the food we want
for free.
My dad's keys to the school.
-Oh, come on!
-How long is this going to take?
I don't have time for this.
I have to get to Plattsburgh to pick out
a goose for my new down jacket.
When is that thing going to be fixed?
Don't get your panties in your dick-hole.
Professionals are at work.
[Carl] I think I fixed the belt.
Turn it on.
[sizzling, clanking]
Is it supposed to sizzle?
Hey, hey, hey!
What the fuck are you doing?
You can't be inside that thing
when it's on. You might break it. Get out!
Anyone else smell burnt memories?
-This is unacceptable!
-We've been waiting for hours!
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Frank Murphy,
and I am the chief of ground services
for Mohican.
Now, the government has mandated
that your safety is our top priority,
so we can't let you on the flights
until the machine is fixed
and we can scan your luggage.
But I have the situation under control.
-[all gasp]
-That could've killed me!
-[crowd clamoring]
-God damn it.
You can do it, son. There are
no more parts that can fall off! [laughs]
[all laughing]
-Dad, what are you doing?
-Don't worry, folks,
at least the idiot's not flying the plane.
[all laughing]
-You're embarrassing me.
-I'm lightening the mood.
Yeah, by shitting all over me!
Aw, Christ, Francis,
I'm just trying to help.
Well, you're not helping!
You're tearing me down like you always do!
You're too sensitive!
-Your whole generation!
-Every time, you smack me down!
No wonder we couldn't do better
than a tie in Korea!
Fine, fine.
You don't want my help? You won't get it.
Good luck, Francine.
-This generation is so delicate.
-Always undermining me.
Sorry to hear about your accident, Sue,
but, uh, Frank's not around.
I haven't seen him in hours,
and there's no lights on in your house.
Thank you, Goomer.
But why are you answering the phone
at Mr. Holtenwasser's house?
I was here, uh
feeding his, uh
wife's ashes.
Oh, boy. Better hide in the attic.
Scheisse. Scheisse. Scheisse.
Where the hell can he be?
-Hello.
-Jesus Christ!
There is a different way.
Listen to Mother Nature.
Nature has no place in a hospital.
Go peddle your hippie voodoo
somewhere else.
[door slams]
Sorry about that nutjob.
We try to make our hospital
a pleasant environment.
He hit a gypsy with his car
When he swerved to miss a boulder ♪
Now he's cursed both day and night
With a fairy on his shoulder ♪
That's me!
Where are you, Frank?!
[singing]
[man] The Reparations Room
in Kansas City, Ohio,
proudly presents Mr. Chipsy White!
Fairy on my shoulder.
[Chipsy] Hello, beautiful people.
This goes out to all the gentlemen
escorting their ladies.
If you truly love your woman,
forget about the diamonds,
forget the pearls.
-Just eat that pussy!
-[audience laughs]
I don't care if they call me
bean flicker or brownie king.
I like to eat that pussy!
[audience laughs]
So get a mouthful of pussy
like a stray dog
trying to get a worm
out a spoiled peach, hear me?
Puppy dog!
[Chipsy] Eat that nasty
Nasty pussy.
Na-- na-- nasty pussy.
-Nasty!
-[Chipsy] Na-- nasty p-- pussy.
All right, get out there
and make your families fucking proud!
My family isn't here.
I don't want them here.
Not everyone has a stellar relationship
with their loved ones.
Ah! Hi, Nana! I'm wearing a cup
over my weenus!
[groans]
Sometimes God, he make-a the cow
when he trying to make-a the bull.
[rock music playing]
[grunts]
Remember to keep your head up,
you redheaded fag!
That's my boy!
Pretty soon we'll have
all the meat sauce we can drink.
[lock clicking]
[door opens]
Humph.
Nowadays they give you a plaque
just for dying.
Hey, you can't be back here.
According to my son, Frank,
I can't be anywhere.
Oh, you're Frank's dad?
[chuckles] Lucky for you, you just met
the master of killing time.
[bullet ricochets]
Sorry, if I take it out, I got to use it.
Union rules.
You want to drink with me
and complain about young people?
[line ringing]
Come on. Come on. Be at work.
-This is Frank Murphy.
-[groans] Come to the hospital! I had a--
Mohican Airways. We leave
the competition in a trail of tears.
-I'm not here right now, so please--
-Goddamn it!
Look, I cannot reach my husband,
but I should not have to.
I am a grown woman
with almost a college degree.
I demand that you let me--
Take a seat ma'am.
Goddamn it!
Walk another block, skinny bones.
This seat's taken.
[groans]
This old man, he played nine
I was born with a fucked-up spine ♪
Ha! Tonight we feast like kings.
I hope you like Mexican sauerkraut.
[crying]
Aw, hey, don't be sad.
I got a can of lettuce too.
Amy screwed up my audition,
and now she got the starring role
in the play.
I'm death row convict number four.
And I only have one line. It's "Ow."
Aw, stupid drama club.
Bunch of lesbians. Let's fuck them over!
[grunting]
Come on, Maureen. It's fun.
The meat sauce looks like shit water.
[grunts]
-Go to hell, Amy!
-[laughs]
[both laughing]
[Maureen] Uh, ah!
Ow!
Hey, you already know your line!
All flights are going to be held
until the machine is fixed.
Please wait patiently.
I swear to God, if I have to settle
for a public golf-course goose,
I will strangle a child.
Oh, Rosie! Can you give me a hand?
Oh, absolutely, Frank. I'll help you
the same way you helped me with my speech.
Fuck you, fuck off, go fuck yourself.
Ah, I guess I deserved that.
[all clamoring]
Anthony! Come to Mama
so she can smell the back of your neck!
I can't believe you lost our son.
I didn't lose him, Jelly Belly.
He ran away.
Under your supervision,
you rat-faced little wop.
I wish I could run away.
How could you say such a thing?
Because you treat me like a baby!
You pick out my clothes.
You won't let me cut my own steak.
That's why I wanted to be Vic! He's free!
He doesn't have a wife to tell him
that his shorts are too short
and he can't grow a mustache! [crying]
Oh, Nunzio! I had no idea
I made you feel this way.
It's just sometimes! [crying]
I'm so sorry, my little huggle bun.
Mommy loves you so much.
I love you too.
[both moaning]
Marie, I found something!
That's not it, but you're closer
than you've ever been. [growls]
No, look! There's a child-size footprint
in that pile of bear shit.
And the prints go that way!
We're coming for you,
my little can of SpaghettiOs!
Mr. Happy Guy ♪
So? This is the new sound.
Do you love it, or do you fucking love it?
Vic, my man.
This song is a perfect example
of what I like to call
"old and out of touch."
Come on, Sandy.
These guys are young, and they rock.
I'm not even sure
the lead guitar kid has eyes.
-That's something, isn't it?
-Aw, stick with the oldies, Grandpa.
I already found the new sound.
This track has just started
burning up the charts in LA.
Open your ears and listen to the future.
[soft music playing]
Sailing away, feeling the breeze ♪
Sunny day, love in the eve ♪
Aw, this is making my 'nads
pull into my body.
Well, it makes my 'nads
want to sway in the breeze
while fucking an island woman
up against an indigenous tree.
Come on, Vic.
Vietnam's over. Tricky Dick is gone.
Racism, solved.
People want to escape
and listen to the sounds
of sailing a catamaran
off the coast of Escondido.
The Kwock is dead.
This is the sound of WKWEEZ,
The Kweeze.
So ride the wave, old man,
or get dragged out with the tide
and then fucked by a dolphin
while a turtle watches.
-[grunts]
-[screams]
[both grunting]
Ow!
-[moans]
-[boys laughing]
Murphy, you've been useless
this whole fucking game!
If you don't get with it
and help me cover the spread,
I will drown you in the toilet!
All right, have fun.
You can't beat me, you little pussy.
Shut up.
I don't give a shit about you.
-That's why I let you stand in the rain.
-[Bill] Huh?
What, did your mother forget
to breastfeed you this morning?
Stop it!
[all] Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!
Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!
Fuck you, Dad! Fuck you, Grandpa!
[grunts]
Ah!
Jesus, my neck!
Holy shit, he's a natural.
Teach that kid to fuck with you, Billy!
I'm proud of you!
Uh thanks, coach.
-[grunts]
-[Bill] Ah!
My best friend! [grunts]
[all grunting]
That's quite a treasure chest
you got there.
Ah, perks of the job, eh?
After every flight,
we clean out the cockpit.
I got it easy in here. [laughs]
Eh, glad I'm not Frank right now.
[Big Bill] Nah.
He's getting all flustered.
He's the angriest person I've ever seen.
And he blames me because I gave him
a grass skirt 30 years ago.
At least you get to see your son.
My boy Pete in Cleveland
hasn't spoken to me in years.
I never even met my grandkids.
Don't know if I even have grandkids.
That's terrible. You're his father.
Yeah, I don't blame him.
I always put my needs first. All about me.
I missed his wedding
to go to a Chubby Checker concert.
In my defense, that was
when "The Twist" was really big.
How was I supposed to know he was
gonna twist again the very next summer?
You're a night watchman, not Nostradamus.
Yeah, but still, I regret it.
Dance fads are forever,
but family love is fleeting.
This is no way to treat rich white men.
This is just the beginning.
First it's the waiting in line.
Next thing you know,
you got a finger inside you.
Please bear with me.
I'm doing the best I can! All right?
Hey, who wants some free booze
to help the waiting go better?
[upbeat chatter]
Everyone get blasted,
courtesy of Mohican Airways
and my son, Frank Murphy.
That should give you some time
to fix that thing.
Jesus, Dad, you're-- You're helping me?
You're my son.
Name your poison. I got hooch.
This is ridiculous.
Can't leave this room,
don't have a say
in how to deliver my own baby?
I've never felt so degraded and powerless
in all my life.
I hear you.
I should be out there right now
getting pissed on for money.
You can't pick your neighbors
You can't pick your friends ♪
But when the going gets tough, it's ♪
Bruce again!
Can we at least please turn
this garbage down?
-[all] No!
-Fine!
Huh?
"It's your body. It's your baby.
Choose Lamaze."
Out! Out! Out!
I'll go.
But first I have something to say.
I'm a human being, and I deserve respect.
Yes, you do.
[Bruce] I won't let you
push me around anymore.
It's my life, and you don't get to decide
how I live it.
You tell him, Bruce Again.
Ma'am, you can't leave here.
You can't keep me here.
-[women clamoring]
-Good for you, sister!
And that's why I'm gonna name my ocelot
after you!
-Come back here!
-Go to hell!
-Tell me about this.
-Ooh, you're strong, I like that.
-I'm Samantha.
-Just tell me, Samantha.
The Lamaze method is a revolutionary,
holistic, and empowering natural option
for childbirth.
-With Lamaze, you take the power back.
-Go on.
No longer will you be rendered unconscious
by a doctor's drugs. Ugh.
You will experience the miracle of birth,
awake and in control.
And no longer will you have to listen
to what others say is best for you.
You know what feels right.
You know that song I said I loved?
It sucks now.
But we can fix it.
The good news is all we have to do
is change the melody, lyrics,
and instruments.
-I'm cool with it.
-Whatever sells.
I don't even know y'all's names.
I guess so.
That's exactly what
I was hoping you'd say.
[Samantha] Giving birth is about being
surrounded by the ones you love the most.
Embrace their energy and hold them close.
Oh, my sweet Anthony!
I love you so much!
I love you. And you know what?
I love you, and I-- You know what?
I want to eat. I want to eat.
Oh, he's hungry.
What do you want, baby?
I want to eat that nasty pussy!
[both gasp]
[Anthony] Ow, my pussy!
[Samantha] Your husband will be
an active partner in the birthing process.
[all cheering]
[Samantha] No longer will he get drunk
in the waiting room
while you do all the work.
-[laughs]
-Yeah. [chuckles]
And you will be able
to emotionally connect
with your baby
in its first moments of life.
This is what I've been searching for.
I can't wait to learn from you.
Give me a call when you get out of here.
I will.
Catamarans?
What the fuck's an "Escondido"?
Hello?
Do you have any idea
what time it is, young man?
Hey, Mr. Goomer.
Uh it's quarter to ten.
Oh, thanks!
Oh, yeah, your mom's in the hospital,
and a bear broke in
and clogged your toilet.
[Frank and Big Bill laughing]
Dad, you saved my ass.
And you fixed that fucking machine!
There's no problem on God's green Earth
that can't be solved
by a roll of duct tape.
That's how you set my broken arm
when I fell out of that chestnut tree.
-It still clicks!
-[clicking]
[both laughing]
I love it! Adds character!
Oh! Some poor bastard
doesn't know how to drunk drive.
He's ruining it for the rest of us!
[both laughing]
That looks like Sue's car.
[tires squealing]
Sue, I came here as fast as I could.
Are you okay? Is the baby okay?
We're fine. We're fine.
They wouldn't let me leave without you.
-You again!
-Yes, me!
Just because you live under a bridge
and eat goats
doesn't mean you can lock up my wife,
you skin tag with eyes!
Frank! Frank, it's okay. Really.
This was a crazy day,
but it led me to exactly what I needed.
I want to have the baby
with the Lamaze method.
-Sure, honey. Whatever you want.
-It's this thing where you--
Whatever it is, I love it. And I love you.
Aw, I love you, honey.
[all] Aw!
Mind your own business,
you fucking sick people!
[inspirational music playing]
[whirring]
[gunshot]