Felicity s04e05 Episode Script
Boooz
Previously on Felicity.
If you're going to complete the next lab, figure this out.
You were right.
This guy sucks.
If you have a problem, no one's forcing you to stay.
The next few days are gonna be crazy because I'm in a beauty pageant.
- What was that? - All the other scholarships were taken.
Best evening wear goes to Felicity Porter.
I have a solution to your tuition problem.
It's a T.
A.
Position.
Professor May, I just wanted to say that although I have hardly any experience as a teaching assistant um, actually, zero experience um, I'm incredibly enthusiastic and hard-working, and, for what it's worth, I think I'd do a great job.
What do you think of this scarf? I saw it at Bloomingdale's and just had to have it.
It's great.
Here.
Take it.
- Oh, no.
- Go on.
I have hundreds just like it.
Thank you.
How do you think you'd be at running critiques? - Critiques? - Give this one a shot.
Okay.
Well, first of all, there's an obvious tenderness that the artist has for the subject.
But? But, uh, I think it's a little derivative of the post-lmpressionists, and I'd probably tell the artist to try - to find his or her own style.
- Hers.
Is it yours? It's also my litmus test for future T.
A.
's, and you passed.
- I did? - Congratulations.
- You got the job.
- Thank you.
And thank you for the scarf.
Was she hitting on you? - No.
She's, like, 70 years old.
- So? Maybe that's what we could go as.
Old ladies.
This party will be full of men.
I don't want to look old.
I want to look hot.
Hey.
Where do you want me to put this puppy? Hey, Richard.
Just in the kitchen.
Thanks.
I invited all my friends to the party tomorrow night.
- All three of 'em.
- I heard that.
Richard, what are you coming dressed as? Can't tell you.
All I can say is be prepared to be majorly wowed.
- Hello.
Anyone home? - We're back here.
Yeah, it's completely homemade and totally sweet.
- What is it? A pie? - No, it's not.
- The door was wide open.
- I'm on my way out.
- Pay me back for the kegger? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye! Hope you two Halloween hostesses don't mind, but I need a secret hideaway.
- Why? What's going on? - I'm teaching Samuel a lesson.
Samuel takes me for granted.
We'll see how well he does without me over the holiday.
- What happened? - What did he do? Well, I tried on my costume as Carmen Miranda.
I had the dress, the turban, most of the fruit, - and you know what he said to me? - What? "Didn't you wear that last year?" As if anyone could forget my costume last year.
Okay.
Well, you can forget, but not my husband.
So I left.
He's not gonna make it two hours.
I keep his life together.
- I'm sure he'll call and apologize.
- And if he doesn't, I'll kick his butt.
You two are the best.
Come on.
Group hug.
Come on, come on.
I need one, please.
Okay, all right.
Okay, you're not really hugging, though.
* Can you become * * Can you become * * A new version of you * * New wallpaper * * New shoe leather * * A new way home * * I don't remember * * New version of you * * I need a new version of me * * New version of you * * I need a new version of me * - Hi.
I'm Ben.
- Hi, Ben.
So, I made a pretty big decision this year.
I'm premed.
Which has been kind of tough, 'cause I've really never been that strong a student.
Most people didn't think I could do it.
Maybe I didn't think I could do it.
Then last week this whole thing happened in chemistry class.
And it made me realize that, I don't know, maybe I was wrong.
- That sucked.
- Yeah, didn't he say - Totally.
- What a dick.
He specifically told us not to worry about benzene compounds.
It's like he wants us to fail.
You didn't fail.
I mean, if anything, you just missed a few questions.
I missed more than a few questions I missed a whole section.
- Maybe you misunderstood him.
- I didn't misunderstand him.
- I'm not a complete idiot.
- That's not what I meant.
You were in premed.
You know as well as I do, O-chem is where they weed people out.
What can I do to help? Nothing.
Why do we have to return these? They're just bath towels.
- They're not just bath towels.
- They're Egyptian cotton.
You have any idea how much Uncle Eliot paid for these? Uncle Eliot should have gotten the initials right.
I am Meghan Rotundi not Blumberg.
"M.
R.
" I'm gonna choose not to be offended by that.
Seriously, feel these.
They're so snuggly and soft.
- What the hell? - Hi there.
Barb Jones, trend-spotter for Teeny-Bop magazine.
- Teeny what? - My job is to spot the next big thing before it becomes the next big thing, and that shirt, huge.
- Trust me.
- Really? She actually made this shirt.
And these are actually tube socks for sleeves.
It is great.
If I could get you to sign this release form, we can publish those pictures.
- Thanks.
- I don't think so.
- Are you serious? - Are you annoying? Let's go.
- When you say big thing, how big? - Sean! Wait, you guys.
I'm sure Professor May's gonna be here any minute.
- Who are you? - Felicity Porter.
I'm the T.
A.
Oh, we have a T.
A.
Now? What for? Um, to assist with teaching.
I've seen you before.
I've gone to school here for four years, so it's definitely possible.
Nah, it wasn't here.
It was at the Sunrise Beauty Pageant.
I worked the sets.
You won Miss Evening Gown, right? Um No, I mean, I don't No, that wasn't me.
Oh, excuse me.
Who's in charge in here? - Oh, Miss Evening Gown over there.
- I'm the T.
A.
Kathy Lindstrom from Administration.
- Do you think you and I could talk? - Sure.
I have bad news.
I got a call from the police.
Professor May has been arrested for shoplifting.
- Are you kidding? - They caught her at Bloomingdale's stuffing a hat and a scarf into her purse.
- Really? - Apparently she has a real sickness.
I know this is last-minute, but if you could run her next few classes I don't know if that's a good idea.
I'm not qualified.
Until I find a replacement.
The thing is, I mean, I can already tell that these students aren't gonna listen to me.
Just keep them busy.
I promise.
I will find you somebody as soon as I possibly can.
Ring, you stupid thing.
What's he waiting for? It's been like a day already.
I need a distraction.
Otherwise, I'm going to call him.
- How about a movie? - No.
Movies remind me of Samuel.
Okay, um, how about a bar? - I met Samuel in a bar.
- Right.
Lionel Richie! In Atlantic City.
That would do it.
We're not going.
It's a two-hour drive.
- You got someplace better to be? - Yes.
Here.
There's a Halloween party here tonight.
Nobody loves Halloween more than me, but this is Lionel.
And your point is? I saw his concert in Central Park my first summer in America.
And I was young well, younger and full of hope and it was a party all night long.
I want to feel that way again.
Hey.
If you haven't seen Lionel live, you haven't lived.
No offense, but you could use a trip, too.
- What does that mean? - I know all about you and Felicity.
Don't worry.
Your secret is safe with me.
But what are you gonna do at this party? Stare at Felicity and Benjamin looking thin in their costumes? Yes.
- I'm fine with that.
- And I'm fine staring at this phone.
- We can make the late show.
- I don't want to go.
- Yes, you do! - Lionel Richie.
I'm not a fan.
You will be.
Everyone's a fan of Lionel.
How'd you do? Me, too.
- What are you doing? - Sir, can I talk to you? Office hours are Monday and Friday, 3 to 5.
Yeah, I know.
It's about the midterm.
- We think it was unfair.
- Unfair? There were questions on benzene That's the beauty of science.
There's a right and a wrong answer.
- Fairness has nothing to do with it.
- But you specifically said Sir, we were hoping that we could retake the test.
Not everyone failed.
Most of your colleagues passed.
Some even got A's.
You said benzenes would not be on the test.
You're both premed.
What will you do when a dying patient comes to you? Say "It wasn't on the syllabus.
Can I do over"? - Look, we can't fail this class.
- That's too bad.
You're both well on your way.
- Sir, give us a chance to retake the test.
- This conversation's over.
- You're being unfair - Did you hear me? This conversation is over.
Why do you have to be such a dick about it? I want you both out of this class now.
I'm failing you both.
- No, we need this class.
- You should have thought of that before you opened your mouths.
My dad's gonna murder me.
Maybe I just won't tell him.
Your dad a doctor? No, my dad's not a doctor.
Mine's a vascular surgeon.
Only time he talks to me is to tell me how H.
M.
O.
's are ruining medicine, or how stupid the nurses are.
Not so stupid he won't sleep with them, though.
He thinks I should be a pathologist.
Stick to the autopsies.
That way I can't kill anybody.
Man, I'm really sorry for getting you kicked out.
What are you talking about? You didn't do this.
Hodges did.
I'm still sorry.
- You wanna get another? - Oh, yeah.
Can we get two more, please? Jackie, oh, do you look good! Yeah, whatever.
What about me? Ready? Ari, Ari, Ari.
The only thing to fear, Ari, is fear itself, Ari.
That's F.
D.
R.
, not J.
F.
K.
- Really? - Really.
You sure? I talked to a friend who runs a factory specializing in low-end textiles.
- You mean a sweatshop? - No.
Sort of.
He's a nice guy, though.
He could make the sock shirts for $3.
50 apiece.
- Excuse me? - $3.
50.
I'm thinking we could wholesale those out for a tenner.
- This is like printing money.
- You're not selling my look.
- It's not your look.
It's your shirt.
- It's who I am.
You heard the trend-spotter.
This could be huge.
Huge, Ari.
Come on.
- Your dad will be asking me for money.
- First, no, he's not.
Second of all, you're not selling 'em.
- I don't understand what the problem is.
- Then you don't understand me.
I'll see you at the party.
Jackie treated Jack with a lot more respect than that.
- That was the worst bus ride ever.
- Are you gonna complain the whole time? I'm not the one calling my voicemail every five minutes.
We're out of range.
How would I know if someone called if I don't check? What? - Oh, no, no.
This can't be happening.
- Lionel Richie sold out? I told you.
The American people love Lionel.
What am I gonna do? I am seconds from calling Samuel.
I need Lionel! - You guys looking for tickets? - Oh, yes, thank you.
- Two for $400 apiece.
- No, that's 800 bucks.
Oh, excuse us one second.
How much do you have? - Javier, I do not have 800 bucks.
- Okay, neither do I.
We're gonna have to earn it like everyone else does.
- At the slot machines.
- Everyone loses money at the slot machines.
We're not doing it.
I'm not kidding around, Noel.
Lionel is my only hope.
So hold the phone.
No matter what, do not let me call Samuel.
Mr.
Scalper, we'll be right back, please.
'Kay.
He kept telling the class that I was Miss Evening Gown.
Tell them all to mind their own business.
Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers.
I want them alive! Is this a shoe-in for the cash prize or what? - It's me, Richard.
- Can you breathe in that? I'm serious about the cash prize.
How much you guys doling out? - Amateurs.
- You look so great! Bet she appreciates a good costume.
- Go get her.
- Ladies.
You mind? I gotta talk to my wife.
I am his wife.
It's true.
For now.
Sell any more of my stuff yet? Uh, I'm sorry.
I am.
I know how important your individuality is.
I do.
I just This whole thing with your parents hating me, it's throwing me off my game.
I need a hit, clearly.
But it's not gonna be your sock shirt.
I don't think the sock shirt was the key to my dad's heart.
- You know what the key to my heart is? - What? Those little '60s hats.
- They really turn me on.
- Really? - You're getting kind of into your role there, Jack.
- Oh, really? - You look great.
- Thank you.
- Have you guys been drinking? - Yeah, a little bit.
This is Trevor.
This is my girlfriend, Felicity.
Hi.
- Where's the keg? - It's in the kitchen.
What? - What's going on? - Oh, we got kicked out of o-chem.
- What? - I don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, don't really want to talk about it, so, uh, where's the keg? - I think it's still in the kitchen.
- Right.
Let's go get lit, bro.
- See ya.
- All right.
I'll talk to you about that later.
- A kiss for you.
- That's your gambling ritual? It works.
Watch.
The idea is to get three of a kind.
You have to put in three dollars, not one.
Why three? Then I lose three times as much.
Put in one and hit a jackpot, you barely win anything.
You gotta maximize your chances.
That lady knows how to play.
Five dollars a pull.
Smart woman.
Do it again.
You're gonna win this time.
This is like love.
You put your heart on the line, and it comes up snake eyes.
That's what's so great about Lionel.
For him, love is dancing on the ceiling.
There's always hope.
Okay.
All right, this time I put in three.
- Put in three.
- One, two, three.
This kissing reminds me of Samuel.
Give me the phone.
- You're not calling him.
- I can't take it.
- Give me the phone! - I'm not giving you the phone.
- I want to see if he called.
- Hey, come on! Look, I got 21.
That's not 21.
That's a jackpot! Here.
Hold the phone.
Oh, my God! Okay.
Hold the phone.
Don't touch my money! Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base.
" - So, Darth - Call me Richard.
So, Richard, you must be thirsty.
Do you want a drink? Yeah, that'd be great.
Um, can you hold on a minute? Yeah, sure.
- It's stuck! - What? - My mask! I can't get it off! - It's stuck? That's what I said.
Cheers, gentlemen.
Come on, come on, come on.
No tequila shots? No.
No.
You wanna talk about it? I don't know.
Just felt like I was ten years old.
Like I knew I was right, but it just didn't matter.
He just would not admit he was wrong.
Reminded me of the same old crap my father used to pull.
- Ow! Ow! Take it easy! - How did you get this thing on? I got a chick out there who's hot for me.
She's practically a sure thing.
I have to have my lips accessible if I'm going to make this happen.
- Maybe we can cut it off.
- What, are you nuts? This isn't some Wal-Mart special.
This baby's Coad-made.
It's worth a lot of money.
No cutting.
Now, try again.
Come on.
Bring it.
- I'm okay! - Oh, shoot! I'm starving.
You wanna get something to eat? Let's get something to eat.
Okay.
- What are you doing? - He's out, man.
- Trevor! - I was building that! Shut up, man! Wake up, Trevor.
Call 911 right now.
- You came in with Trevor O'Donnell? - Yes.
How's he doing? - He's in a coma.
- My God.
His blood alcohol level was.
38.
The legal limit is.
08.
It's good you called when you did.
Otherwise, he'd be dead.
- Is he gonna make it? - We won't know for a while.
You two should go home.
Get some sleep.
All we can do now is wait.
- What are you doing? - Freezing my head.
- Cold causes shrinkage.
- That is never gonna work.
You kidding me? This baby's gonna slide right off.
Hi.
Ah.
Oh, hey there.
Just chilling out.
It was nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah.
It was nice to meet you, too.
It's so weird.
I did a tequila shot with that guy, Trevor.
He seemed wasted, but I had no idea how bad.
Kinda makes Halloween seem stupid, doesn't it? Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
Well, see ya.
Yeah.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! It's okay.
It's not like we lost everything.
I got a few pennies left.
I guess my lips aren't as lucky as I thought.
Now I have no money, no love, no Lionel, no nothing.
Except a lot of blackheads.
Javier, I'm sure Samuel's gonna call you.
It doesn't matter.
The one thing this extravaganza has taught me, don't gamble with the heart.
That's the whole point.
If you don't play, you can't win.
But it's rigged! The house always wins.
- What? - That's him.
- Who? - That's him.
Lionel Richie.
Okay, just be cool.
Act like we're equals.
Okay.
Excuse me.
I hate to bother you, Mr.
Richie, while you're about to take care of business, but I am your biggest fan.
Um Thank you so much.
We came from the Big Apple to see your concert, but it was sold out.
Noel couldn't believe it was sold out, but I said, "Of course it's sold out.
It's Lionel Richie.
Everyone knows Lionel, because Lionel loves love.
" Can you autograph my chest? Could we do that on a piece of paper? Oh! Get me some paper! Yeah, so, um Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- I mean, you're so smart and know so much about the ways of love and dancing on the ceiling, and so I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice.
Like when Lionel and his lady fight, what does Lionel do? - Well, my theory is that - Should I be writing this down? - Yeah? Do you have a pen? - No.
- Give me a pen.
- I don't have a pen.
- Give me your pen! - Guys, guys.
You have a pen! No matter what it is, no matter how angry you get, you just tell her, "Honey, you're right.
" - That works? - Every time.
Um, did you want me to Oh, yes.
To Javier.
Um, with a "J.
" - Javier with a "J.
" - Yes.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you.
- Hi.
What'd you get? - Uh, nothing.
Sean? They're They're sock shirts.
Okay? But I ordered them before last night.
And I think they're great.
Okay, clearly, you're not hearing me.
It's clothin.
It's nothing personal.
It is personal.
To me.
It's part of my look.
If you sell it to everyone else, I'll look like everyone else.
- Let's be honest.
You already do.
- What? The sock shirt's great, but your whole look? Come on.
It's not like you're breaking new ground.
What do you know about fashion? You wear tube socks.
- So do you! - As sleeves.
- That's what I think is fantastic.
Come on! Don't you want to see the shirts? All right.
Let's start with Let's start with this one.
I'll go ahead and start.
What I like about this drawing is how the artist uses black and white to explore light.
Like, right here.
It really looks like light reflecting off glass.
Whose is this? - It's really good, Max.
- I was inspired by you.
It's a tiara.
Why don't we come back to this one? Don't you want to know what about you inspired me? The packaging and objectification of the feminine form.
- Do you get a scholarship for that? - No, I personally did not.
Well, you got a T.
A.
position.
I am here because I'm an art major, not because I won a prize.
- Miss Porter? - Yes.
Felicity.
Not to judge you for entering a beauty pageant, but I have to say that we, as artists, will be fighting the pressures of commercial and material concerns at every turn, and you traded on your looks.
You already sold out.
It's not a lesson I want to pay to learn in this or any class.
Thank you.
I already kicked you out of this class.
Don't make me do it again.
I just thought you should know what happened.
Trevor O'Donnell is in a coma.
He got alcohol poisoning.
After you kicked us out, we went drinking.
We came to you for help.
That's your job, isn't it? To help your students? No, my job is to teach chemistry.
All we asked was that you be fair, let us retake the test.
If coming is your attempt to get back I don't care about this stupid class.
He's in a coma.
Would it have been that big of a deal for you to admit that you were wrong? A paper towel autographed by Lionel Richie.
That's not bad.
Whatever.
Look, why don't you just call Samuel? You'll feel a lot better.
Maybe you're right.
Why am I holding out? I love the guy.
- I don't know how you do it.
- What? Live without being with the one you love.
Hello? It's him! He says he's sorry.
Oh, I miss you so much, too! Oh, the last two days have been terrible! Oh, we went to Atlantic City, and we met Lionel Richie.
Yes, of course I'm serious.
Yeah, I got his autograph and everything.
Why would I lie about that? I met Lionel Richie.
In the men's room at the casino.
Here we go again.
Javier, Javier.
Remember Lionel's theory.
Okay? Okay, you know what? You know what? Honey, you are right.
Oh, I love you, too.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Oh, you're so bad.
Oh! No, I No.
- I'm allergic to leather.
- Javier, come on.
Let me call you back.
Okay, I'll rush - Latex is okay, but - Come on.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
Are you still in bed? It's noon.
I don't wanna be a T.
A.
They sing the theme to Miss America every time I walk in the room.
You see? That makes me mad.
- You don't have to take that.
- Yeah, but they're right.
I was in a beauty pageant, and I'm not a good T.
A.
- I'm sorry, but can I say something? - What? You have to stop apologizing for who you are and what you've done.
You're not the first to screw up on their way to figuring out who they are.
You gotta own your mistakes and get some strength from them.
You know what I'm saying? Yes, I was in a beauty pageant, and this is the dress I wore.
Any questions? Good.
Let's get started.
Who wants to go first? Professor Cavallo.
Miss Porter.
What are you doing? I'm I'm the T.
A.
I'm the new professor.
Do you come to class like that, or is this in celebration of my first day? * Living on the 13th floor * * Only makes me love you more * * Caught in a revolving door * * Spinnin' round * * Looking through a telescope * * Counting every star I know * * Not that you're my only hope * - Meghan? - Upstairs.
- What are you doing? - It's yours.
Hey, you know, Halloween's over.
It's not a costume.
- Uh, I don't understand.
- It's my new look.
Get used to it.
Really? - Mm-hm.
- I like it.
I know.
Just don't steal it.
Uh, they're not admitting visitors yet.
- But he's awake.
- He is? I hear you handled the situation pretty well.
Yeah.
You may have been right.
Maybe I could have been more helpful.
And I might have said that benzenes weren't going to be on the test.
My mistake.
I'd better go.
See you in class.
Thank you, sir.
You know, I have a son your age.
See, when I was a kid, my dad would get drunk, and he'd just kind of disappear for days.
And then when he finally did show up, he'd just kinda pretend that we didn't exist.
I think when you're a kid, you wanna fix things.
You wanna help.
That's why I do want to become a doctor, so I can help.
It's just funny how something good comes out of something so bad.
How's the nature show? - Oh, it's good.
- It looks good.
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe I could get a job as a zookeeper.
Well, Hodges let us back in.
- Really? - Yeah.
And, uh, I still need a lab partner.
I'll think about it.
I don't think so.
I'm very busy.
I don't know.
I guess I'm thinking that I can do this now.
That maybe it's not about the person who's the best student.
That maybe That maybe it's about the person who cares the most.
If you're going to complete the next lab, figure this out.
You were right.
This guy sucks.
If you have a problem, no one's forcing you to stay.
The next few days are gonna be crazy because I'm in a beauty pageant.
- What was that? - All the other scholarships were taken.
Best evening wear goes to Felicity Porter.
I have a solution to your tuition problem.
It's a T.
A.
Position.
Professor May, I just wanted to say that although I have hardly any experience as a teaching assistant um, actually, zero experience um, I'm incredibly enthusiastic and hard-working, and, for what it's worth, I think I'd do a great job.
What do you think of this scarf? I saw it at Bloomingdale's and just had to have it.
It's great.
Here.
Take it.
- Oh, no.
- Go on.
I have hundreds just like it.
Thank you.
How do you think you'd be at running critiques? - Critiques? - Give this one a shot.
Okay.
Well, first of all, there's an obvious tenderness that the artist has for the subject.
But? But, uh, I think it's a little derivative of the post-lmpressionists, and I'd probably tell the artist to try - to find his or her own style.
- Hers.
Is it yours? It's also my litmus test for future T.
A.
's, and you passed.
- I did? - Congratulations.
- You got the job.
- Thank you.
And thank you for the scarf.
Was she hitting on you? - No.
She's, like, 70 years old.
- So? Maybe that's what we could go as.
Old ladies.
This party will be full of men.
I don't want to look old.
I want to look hot.
Hey.
Where do you want me to put this puppy? Hey, Richard.
Just in the kitchen.
Thanks.
I invited all my friends to the party tomorrow night.
- All three of 'em.
- I heard that.
Richard, what are you coming dressed as? Can't tell you.
All I can say is be prepared to be majorly wowed.
- Hello.
Anyone home? - We're back here.
Yeah, it's completely homemade and totally sweet.
- What is it? A pie? - No, it's not.
- The door was wide open.
- I'm on my way out.
- Pay me back for the kegger? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- Bye.
- Bye! Hope you two Halloween hostesses don't mind, but I need a secret hideaway.
- Why? What's going on? - I'm teaching Samuel a lesson.
Samuel takes me for granted.
We'll see how well he does without me over the holiday.
- What happened? - What did he do? Well, I tried on my costume as Carmen Miranda.
I had the dress, the turban, most of the fruit, - and you know what he said to me? - What? "Didn't you wear that last year?" As if anyone could forget my costume last year.
Okay.
Well, you can forget, but not my husband.
So I left.
He's not gonna make it two hours.
I keep his life together.
- I'm sure he'll call and apologize.
- And if he doesn't, I'll kick his butt.
You two are the best.
Come on.
Group hug.
Come on, come on.
I need one, please.
Okay, all right.
Okay, you're not really hugging, though.
* Can you become * * Can you become * * A new version of you * * New wallpaper * * New shoe leather * * A new way home * * I don't remember * * New version of you * * I need a new version of me * * New version of you * * I need a new version of me * - Hi.
I'm Ben.
- Hi, Ben.
So, I made a pretty big decision this year.
I'm premed.
Which has been kind of tough, 'cause I've really never been that strong a student.
Most people didn't think I could do it.
Maybe I didn't think I could do it.
Then last week this whole thing happened in chemistry class.
And it made me realize that, I don't know, maybe I was wrong.
- That sucked.
- Yeah, didn't he say - Totally.
- What a dick.
He specifically told us not to worry about benzene compounds.
It's like he wants us to fail.
You didn't fail.
I mean, if anything, you just missed a few questions.
I missed more than a few questions I missed a whole section.
- Maybe you misunderstood him.
- I didn't misunderstand him.
- I'm not a complete idiot.
- That's not what I meant.
You were in premed.
You know as well as I do, O-chem is where they weed people out.
What can I do to help? Nothing.
Why do we have to return these? They're just bath towels.
- They're not just bath towels.
- They're Egyptian cotton.
You have any idea how much Uncle Eliot paid for these? Uncle Eliot should have gotten the initials right.
I am Meghan Rotundi not Blumberg.
"M.
R.
" I'm gonna choose not to be offended by that.
Seriously, feel these.
They're so snuggly and soft.
- What the hell? - Hi there.
Barb Jones, trend-spotter for Teeny-Bop magazine.
- Teeny what? - My job is to spot the next big thing before it becomes the next big thing, and that shirt, huge.
- Trust me.
- Really? She actually made this shirt.
And these are actually tube socks for sleeves.
It is great.
If I could get you to sign this release form, we can publish those pictures.
- Thanks.
- I don't think so.
- Are you serious? - Are you annoying? Let's go.
- When you say big thing, how big? - Sean! Wait, you guys.
I'm sure Professor May's gonna be here any minute.
- Who are you? - Felicity Porter.
I'm the T.
A.
Oh, we have a T.
A.
Now? What for? Um, to assist with teaching.
I've seen you before.
I've gone to school here for four years, so it's definitely possible.
Nah, it wasn't here.
It was at the Sunrise Beauty Pageant.
I worked the sets.
You won Miss Evening Gown, right? Um No, I mean, I don't No, that wasn't me.
Oh, excuse me.
Who's in charge in here? - Oh, Miss Evening Gown over there.
- I'm the T.
A.
Kathy Lindstrom from Administration.
- Do you think you and I could talk? - Sure.
I have bad news.
I got a call from the police.
Professor May has been arrested for shoplifting.
- Are you kidding? - They caught her at Bloomingdale's stuffing a hat and a scarf into her purse.
- Really? - Apparently she has a real sickness.
I know this is last-minute, but if you could run her next few classes I don't know if that's a good idea.
I'm not qualified.
Until I find a replacement.
The thing is, I mean, I can already tell that these students aren't gonna listen to me.
Just keep them busy.
I promise.
I will find you somebody as soon as I possibly can.
Ring, you stupid thing.
What's he waiting for? It's been like a day already.
I need a distraction.
Otherwise, I'm going to call him.
- How about a movie? - No.
Movies remind me of Samuel.
Okay, um, how about a bar? - I met Samuel in a bar.
- Right.
Lionel Richie! In Atlantic City.
That would do it.
We're not going.
It's a two-hour drive.
- You got someplace better to be? - Yes.
Here.
There's a Halloween party here tonight.
Nobody loves Halloween more than me, but this is Lionel.
And your point is? I saw his concert in Central Park my first summer in America.
And I was young well, younger and full of hope and it was a party all night long.
I want to feel that way again.
Hey.
If you haven't seen Lionel live, you haven't lived.
No offense, but you could use a trip, too.
- What does that mean? - I know all about you and Felicity.
Don't worry.
Your secret is safe with me.
But what are you gonna do at this party? Stare at Felicity and Benjamin looking thin in their costumes? Yes.
- I'm fine with that.
- And I'm fine staring at this phone.
- We can make the late show.
- I don't want to go.
- Yes, you do! - Lionel Richie.
I'm not a fan.
You will be.
Everyone's a fan of Lionel.
How'd you do? Me, too.
- What are you doing? - Sir, can I talk to you? Office hours are Monday and Friday, 3 to 5.
Yeah, I know.
It's about the midterm.
- We think it was unfair.
- Unfair? There were questions on benzene That's the beauty of science.
There's a right and a wrong answer.
- Fairness has nothing to do with it.
- But you specifically said Sir, we were hoping that we could retake the test.
Not everyone failed.
Most of your colleagues passed.
Some even got A's.
You said benzenes would not be on the test.
You're both premed.
What will you do when a dying patient comes to you? Say "It wasn't on the syllabus.
Can I do over"? - Look, we can't fail this class.
- That's too bad.
You're both well on your way.
- Sir, give us a chance to retake the test.
- This conversation's over.
- You're being unfair - Did you hear me? This conversation is over.
Why do you have to be such a dick about it? I want you both out of this class now.
I'm failing you both.
- No, we need this class.
- You should have thought of that before you opened your mouths.
My dad's gonna murder me.
Maybe I just won't tell him.
Your dad a doctor? No, my dad's not a doctor.
Mine's a vascular surgeon.
Only time he talks to me is to tell me how H.
M.
O.
's are ruining medicine, or how stupid the nurses are.
Not so stupid he won't sleep with them, though.
He thinks I should be a pathologist.
Stick to the autopsies.
That way I can't kill anybody.
Man, I'm really sorry for getting you kicked out.
What are you talking about? You didn't do this.
Hodges did.
I'm still sorry.
- You wanna get another? - Oh, yeah.
Can we get two more, please? Jackie, oh, do you look good! Yeah, whatever.
What about me? Ready? Ari, Ari, Ari.
The only thing to fear, Ari, is fear itself, Ari.
That's F.
D.
R.
, not J.
F.
K.
- Really? - Really.
You sure? I talked to a friend who runs a factory specializing in low-end textiles.
- You mean a sweatshop? - No.
Sort of.
He's a nice guy, though.
He could make the sock shirts for $3.
50 apiece.
- Excuse me? - $3.
50.
I'm thinking we could wholesale those out for a tenner.
- This is like printing money.
- You're not selling my look.
- It's not your look.
It's your shirt.
- It's who I am.
You heard the trend-spotter.
This could be huge.
Huge, Ari.
Come on.
- Your dad will be asking me for money.
- First, no, he's not.
Second of all, you're not selling 'em.
- I don't understand what the problem is.
- Then you don't understand me.
I'll see you at the party.
Jackie treated Jack with a lot more respect than that.
- That was the worst bus ride ever.
- Are you gonna complain the whole time? I'm not the one calling my voicemail every five minutes.
We're out of range.
How would I know if someone called if I don't check? What? - Oh, no, no.
This can't be happening.
- Lionel Richie sold out? I told you.
The American people love Lionel.
What am I gonna do? I am seconds from calling Samuel.
I need Lionel! - You guys looking for tickets? - Oh, yes, thank you.
- Two for $400 apiece.
- No, that's 800 bucks.
Oh, excuse us one second.
How much do you have? - Javier, I do not have 800 bucks.
- Okay, neither do I.
We're gonna have to earn it like everyone else does.
- At the slot machines.
- Everyone loses money at the slot machines.
We're not doing it.
I'm not kidding around, Noel.
Lionel is my only hope.
So hold the phone.
No matter what, do not let me call Samuel.
Mr.
Scalper, we'll be right back, please.
'Kay.
He kept telling the class that I was Miss Evening Gown.
Tell them all to mind their own business.
Tear this ship apart until you've found those plans, and bring me the passengers.
I want them alive! Is this a shoe-in for the cash prize or what? - It's me, Richard.
- Can you breathe in that? I'm serious about the cash prize.
How much you guys doling out? - Amateurs.
- You look so great! Bet she appreciates a good costume.
- Go get her.
- Ladies.
You mind? I gotta talk to my wife.
I am his wife.
It's true.
For now.
Sell any more of my stuff yet? Uh, I'm sorry.
I am.
I know how important your individuality is.
I do.
I just This whole thing with your parents hating me, it's throwing me off my game.
I need a hit, clearly.
But it's not gonna be your sock shirt.
I don't think the sock shirt was the key to my dad's heart.
- You know what the key to my heart is? - What? Those little '60s hats.
- They really turn me on.
- Really? - You're getting kind of into your role there, Jack.
- Oh, really? - You look great.
- Thank you.
- Have you guys been drinking? - Yeah, a little bit.
This is Trevor.
This is my girlfriend, Felicity.
Hi.
- Where's the keg? - It's in the kitchen.
What? - What's going on? - Oh, we got kicked out of o-chem.
- What? - I don't want to talk about it.
Yeah, don't really want to talk about it, so, uh, where's the keg? - I think it's still in the kitchen.
- Right.
Let's go get lit, bro.
- See ya.
- All right.
I'll talk to you about that later.
- A kiss for you.
- That's your gambling ritual? It works.
Watch.
The idea is to get three of a kind.
You have to put in three dollars, not one.
Why three? Then I lose three times as much.
Put in one and hit a jackpot, you barely win anything.
You gotta maximize your chances.
That lady knows how to play.
Five dollars a pull.
Smart woman.
Do it again.
You're gonna win this time.
This is like love.
You put your heart on the line, and it comes up snake eyes.
That's what's so great about Lionel.
For him, love is dancing on the ceiling.
There's always hope.
Okay.
All right, this time I put in three.
- Put in three.
- One, two, three.
This kissing reminds me of Samuel.
Give me the phone.
- You're not calling him.
- I can't take it.
- Give me the phone! - I'm not giving you the phone.
- I want to see if he called.
- Hey, come on! Look, I got 21.
That's not 21.
That's a jackpot! Here.
Hold the phone.
Oh, my God! Okay.
Hold the phone.
Don't touch my money! Your Highness, we will discuss the location of your hidden rebel base.
" - So, Darth - Call me Richard.
So, Richard, you must be thirsty.
Do you want a drink? Yeah, that'd be great.
Um, can you hold on a minute? Yeah, sure.
- It's stuck! - What? - My mask! I can't get it off! - It's stuck? That's what I said.
Cheers, gentlemen.
Come on, come on, come on.
No tequila shots? No.
No.
You wanna talk about it? I don't know.
Just felt like I was ten years old.
Like I knew I was right, but it just didn't matter.
He just would not admit he was wrong.
Reminded me of the same old crap my father used to pull.
- Ow! Ow! Take it easy! - How did you get this thing on? I got a chick out there who's hot for me.
She's practically a sure thing.
I have to have my lips accessible if I'm going to make this happen.
- Maybe we can cut it off.
- What, are you nuts? This isn't some Wal-Mart special.
This baby's Coad-made.
It's worth a lot of money.
No cutting.
Now, try again.
Come on.
Bring it.
- I'm okay! - Oh, shoot! I'm starving.
You wanna get something to eat? Let's get something to eat.
Okay.
- What are you doing? - He's out, man.
- Trevor! - I was building that! Shut up, man! Wake up, Trevor.
Call 911 right now.
- You came in with Trevor O'Donnell? - Yes.
How's he doing? - He's in a coma.
- My God.
His blood alcohol level was.
38.
The legal limit is.
08.
It's good you called when you did.
Otherwise, he'd be dead.
- Is he gonna make it? - We won't know for a while.
You two should go home.
Get some sleep.
All we can do now is wait.
- What are you doing? - Freezing my head.
- Cold causes shrinkage.
- That is never gonna work.
You kidding me? This baby's gonna slide right off.
Hi.
Ah.
Oh, hey there.
Just chilling out.
It was nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah.
It was nice to meet you, too.
It's so weird.
I did a tequila shot with that guy, Trevor.
He seemed wasted, but I had no idea how bad.
Kinda makes Halloween seem stupid, doesn't it? Yeah, definitely.
Okay.
Well, see ya.
Yeah.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! It's okay.
It's not like we lost everything.
I got a few pennies left.
I guess my lips aren't as lucky as I thought.
Now I have no money, no love, no Lionel, no nothing.
Except a lot of blackheads.
Javier, I'm sure Samuel's gonna call you.
It doesn't matter.
The one thing this extravaganza has taught me, don't gamble with the heart.
That's the whole point.
If you don't play, you can't win.
But it's rigged! The house always wins.
- What? - That's him.
- Who? - That's him.
Lionel Richie.
Okay, just be cool.
Act like we're equals.
Okay.
Excuse me.
I hate to bother you, Mr.
Richie, while you're about to take care of business, but I am your biggest fan.
Um Thank you so much.
We came from the Big Apple to see your concert, but it was sold out.
Noel couldn't believe it was sold out, but I said, "Of course it's sold out.
It's Lionel Richie.
Everyone knows Lionel, because Lionel loves love.
" Can you autograph my chest? Could we do that on a piece of paper? Oh! Get me some paper! Yeah, so, um Can I ask you something? - Sure.
- I mean, you're so smart and know so much about the ways of love and dancing on the ceiling, and so I was wondering if I could ask you for some advice.
Like when Lionel and his lady fight, what does Lionel do? - Well, my theory is that - Should I be writing this down? - Yeah? Do you have a pen? - No.
- Give me a pen.
- I don't have a pen.
- Give me your pen! - Guys, guys.
You have a pen! No matter what it is, no matter how angry you get, you just tell her, "Honey, you're right.
" - That works? - Every time.
Um, did you want me to Oh, yes.
To Javier.
Um, with a "J.
" - Javier with a "J.
" - Yes.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you.
- Hi.
What'd you get? - Uh, nothing.
Sean? They're They're sock shirts.
Okay? But I ordered them before last night.
And I think they're great.
Okay, clearly, you're not hearing me.
It's clothin.
It's nothing personal.
It is personal.
To me.
It's part of my look.
If you sell it to everyone else, I'll look like everyone else.
- Let's be honest.
You already do.
- What? The sock shirt's great, but your whole look? Come on.
It's not like you're breaking new ground.
What do you know about fashion? You wear tube socks.
- So do you! - As sleeves.
- That's what I think is fantastic.
Come on! Don't you want to see the shirts? All right.
Let's start with Let's start with this one.
I'll go ahead and start.
What I like about this drawing is how the artist uses black and white to explore light.
Like, right here.
It really looks like light reflecting off glass.
Whose is this? - It's really good, Max.
- I was inspired by you.
It's a tiara.
Why don't we come back to this one? Don't you want to know what about you inspired me? The packaging and objectification of the feminine form.
- Do you get a scholarship for that? - No, I personally did not.
Well, you got a T.
A.
position.
I am here because I'm an art major, not because I won a prize.
- Miss Porter? - Yes.
Felicity.
Not to judge you for entering a beauty pageant, but I have to say that we, as artists, will be fighting the pressures of commercial and material concerns at every turn, and you traded on your looks.
You already sold out.
It's not a lesson I want to pay to learn in this or any class.
Thank you.
I already kicked you out of this class.
Don't make me do it again.
I just thought you should know what happened.
Trevor O'Donnell is in a coma.
He got alcohol poisoning.
After you kicked us out, we went drinking.
We came to you for help.
That's your job, isn't it? To help your students? No, my job is to teach chemistry.
All we asked was that you be fair, let us retake the test.
If coming is your attempt to get back I don't care about this stupid class.
He's in a coma.
Would it have been that big of a deal for you to admit that you were wrong? A paper towel autographed by Lionel Richie.
That's not bad.
Whatever.
Look, why don't you just call Samuel? You'll feel a lot better.
Maybe you're right.
Why am I holding out? I love the guy.
- I don't know how you do it.
- What? Live without being with the one you love.
Hello? It's him! He says he's sorry.
Oh, I miss you so much, too! Oh, the last two days have been terrible! Oh, we went to Atlantic City, and we met Lionel Richie.
Yes, of course I'm serious.
Yeah, I got his autograph and everything.
Why would I lie about that? I met Lionel Richie.
In the men's room at the casino.
Here we go again.
Javier, Javier.
Remember Lionel's theory.
Okay? Okay, you know what? You know what? Honey, you are right.
Oh, I love you, too.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Oh, you're so bad.
Oh! No, I No.
- I'm allergic to leather.
- Javier, come on.
Let me call you back.
Okay, I'll rush - Latex is okay, but - Come on.
Okay, I gotta go.
Okay, bye.
Are you still in bed? It's noon.
I don't wanna be a T.
A.
They sing the theme to Miss America every time I walk in the room.
You see? That makes me mad.
- You don't have to take that.
- Yeah, but they're right.
I was in a beauty pageant, and I'm not a good T.
A.
- I'm sorry, but can I say something? - What? You have to stop apologizing for who you are and what you've done.
You're not the first to screw up on their way to figuring out who they are.
You gotta own your mistakes and get some strength from them.
You know what I'm saying? Yes, I was in a beauty pageant, and this is the dress I wore.
Any questions? Good.
Let's get started.
Who wants to go first? Professor Cavallo.
Miss Porter.
What are you doing? I'm I'm the T.
A.
I'm the new professor.
Do you come to class like that, or is this in celebration of my first day? * Living on the 13th floor * * Only makes me love you more * * Caught in a revolving door * * Spinnin' round * * Looking through a telescope * * Counting every star I know * * Not that you're my only hope * - Meghan? - Upstairs.
- What are you doing? - It's yours.
Hey, you know, Halloween's over.
It's not a costume.
- Uh, I don't understand.
- It's my new look.
Get used to it.
Really? - Mm-hm.
- I like it.
I know.
Just don't steal it.
Uh, they're not admitting visitors yet.
- But he's awake.
- He is? I hear you handled the situation pretty well.
Yeah.
You may have been right.
Maybe I could have been more helpful.
And I might have said that benzenes weren't going to be on the test.
My mistake.
I'd better go.
See you in class.
Thank you, sir.
You know, I have a son your age.
See, when I was a kid, my dad would get drunk, and he'd just kind of disappear for days.
And then when he finally did show up, he'd just kinda pretend that we didn't exist.
I think when you're a kid, you wanna fix things.
You wanna help.
That's why I do want to become a doctor, so I can help.
It's just funny how something good comes out of something so bad.
How's the nature show? - Oh, it's good.
- It looks good.
Yeah, I'm thinking maybe I could get a job as a zookeeper.
Well, Hodges let us back in.
- Really? - Yeah.
And, uh, I still need a lab partner.
I'll think about it.
I don't think so.
I'm very busy.
I don't know.
I guess I'm thinking that I can do this now.
That maybe it's not about the person who's the best student.
That maybe That maybe it's about the person who cares the most.