Footballers' Wives (2002) s04e05 Episode Script

Ricky, Troy.
Amber was right.
You swapped them.
And all the time you were trying to tell me it was her that was crazy.
No, Conrad.
- Did you rape her? - I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
I thought it was just part of it.
I swear I'm not like that.
Pig.
I'll see you in hell.
You wish.
Well, I'm better than good and you know that.
But sod your ego, Dad.
I'll just wait for some other team to snap me up.
And I look forward to kicking the shit out of Earls Park.
You need to be in our home.
Yes, I do.
And you need to piss off.
Welcome to our new home.
- And it's your home now, too.
Right, Rog? - Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Shannon! Don't panic.
Erika's promised to cut out any dangly bits.
I just wanted them to see us doing normal stuff.
I mean, everyone's got to wash, right? Even footballers.
Oh, especially footballers I would've thought.
So, Harley, is this a standard day for you? - Yeah - Yeah.
It's totally bog standard.
This is Harley getting ready for training.
Morning routine.
Shannon, what's the point if you're going to always speak for me? I'm just trying to help.
You know how shy you are.
Is that why you brought a cameraman? I could have had me knob out.
Sorry, love, just a tick.
(Music box playing) Good morning, baby.
You're a good boy.
You are.
(Doorbell ringing) Like clockwork.
- Can you sign here? - Pink.
He must be going off me.
Come on, son.
Yes! Yes.
Nerves.
But he's holding his own, I'll give him that.
When he gets a chance.
Yeah.
Well, I've got other slightly more pressing problems at the moment.
Oi! Fry! Take your nappy off and put some bloody effort in, will you? MAN: That's good.
Go, go! - Cheers.
- You stink of booze, man.
- You'll get your arse kicked if you're not careful.
- Hey, listen Not too close, or I get a bollocking.
Right.
This is where it all happens for the lads.
- And do you often come to watch him? - When I can.
I like to show my support.
It looks like you're not the only one.
Yeah, well, us wives are usually too busy just to stand around looking desperate.
Bless.
Sorry.
Where was I? Oi! - Get that effing camera out of here.
- Oops.
Shit.
You wanna watch where you're going, Sebastian.
Daddy didn't teach you any manners? Cut.
Who are you? I don't need singing lessons, right? And I've done more musicals than you've had free lunches.
Yes, kitten, but that was some time ago.
The Bollywood tra-la-la maketh not a hit single.
If you want a transition, you'll have to work for it.
Or we can talk movies.
I am not dragging my baby across New Delhi for six months.
I'm not interested in doing a biopic about me and Tanya-bleeding-Turner.
You'd only have to advise, sweetheart.
I mean, they'd cast someone else for you.
Easier to age up than down, n'est-ce pas? I've got lots to offer that doesn't revolve around who I married.
And you know I've always been interested in the music industry.
Yes, angel, but the music industry isn't interested in you.
I've made some calls, Amber, but you have to face facts.
You're just not hip.
I think you'll find the 21 st century word is "street", Tristan.
- Maybe I should find someone who is.
- By all means.
But someone who is will also know who isn't.
If you want to play to your strengths, love, milk your contacts.
Conrad Gates and the life you had with him.
But you better make your mind up soon because this, like you, has a shelf life.
We've got to work on your stamina.
I mean, fine, you're fast, but you run out of steam, you'll be stretchered off with stud marks all over your arse.
- I've been working on that in Manchester.
- Well, not hard enough.
I've seen more muscle on a fruit fly.
I beg your pardon.
I've been looking at his diet.
High protein, carb loading.
- We're getting there, aren't we, love? - Diet's one thing, Jacks.
This kid's got to put in the hours training.
- I reckon I'm up for it.
- Oh, up for it? Listen, Seb, I'm a busy man.
I didn't get this kind of special attention when I started.
And nor does anyone else.
Up for it? You better be.
I want these timings in two weeks.
- Right, Dad.
- Right "boss".
Hey, I'll make a footballer of him yet.
Did you take Phoenix out? No.
But, look, I wanted to talk to you about this mega-security stuff.
Don't you think you're being a bit over-protective? What, after what we've been through? Conrad, I thought you'd want me to be more careful.
Look, me and Phoenix, we're on our own.
I can't risk You don't have to be on your own if you just trust me.
What do I have to do to prove I love you? Anyone with a few quid can place an order at a florist, Conrad.
A million poxy flowers can't undo the damage you've done to me.
I've got this much self-esteem and I'm looking after it.
Bad day? Apparently I need singing lessons.
And even then I'm too old.
Christ, I'm only 30.
Why don't I ring up my agent? See if we can come up with something.
Are you listening to me? Even you don't believe I can make it on my own.
Of course I do.
I just don't see why you should.
I want us to make it together.
There can't be an "us", Conrad, until there's a me.
Until? So you're saying there's a chance.
I'm saying I think you should leave.
I've got calls to make.
Because unlike my agent, I actually believe in the product.
And like anyone, after a hard day's work, me and Harley like to meet up for a bite and a bevvie.
Of course, it helps if your mates own the place.
Always get a good table, you know what I mean? All right, Shannon.
Harley not here yet? I see you're still doing your programme.
Bruno Milligan.
Welcome to Nabokov's Cocoon.
ERIKA: I was at the launch actually.
- Interesting name.
- Yeah, it's a literary reference.
See, that's what this place is about.
Privacy and sophistication in an exclusive setting.
Do they ever knock off? You can't take that camera everywhere, Shan.
I got in some serious shit today.
Lighten up.
We've had a great day.
Erika wants to concentrate on us wives anyway.
- You're just in the background, love.
- Yeah, you won't hear me complaining.
- WAITRESS: Usual, sir? - Yes, please.
Peter, darling.
How you doing? You must be Amber.
How you going? - Good.
- I was a little confused though, 'cause my agent said something about Conrad and you, had a business proposition for me or something.
Conrad? Typical agents, eh? No, it's just me, sweetheart.
But why don't we talk shop over dinner? - Right.
- Champagne? Yeah, all right.
You see, the thing about a collaboration is, there's got to be some sort of connection, you know.
Spiritual.
Well, that's why I think we could do it because, well, I'm very spiritual internally.
And I think our looks are complementary.
I could be your mysterious girl.
Yeah, you could.
Look, no offence, but it's taken me a while to get my solo career back.
And, no disrespect, but I just want to concentrate on that for a while, that's all.
Well, look.
Here's a demo of some of the songs I've done, just to give you an idea of my voice.
Great.
I'll be listening to that.
- You're nice.
- And you're a workaholic.
You should see a bit more of Seb, you know.
Make up for lost time.
The best thing I can do for that boy right now is to give him what I've got, which is experience.
He wants to be a footballer and, well, football's what I know.
- He needs to know you love him, Rog.
- Oh, for Christ's sake, Jackie.
I'm not running round gushing all over him, all that "I love you" malarkey.
I mean, that's for the flicks.
And Seb's got to prove himself.
'Cause to be honest, right now, I'm just worried he's going to humiliate me.
- Are you sure Bethany doesn't mind? - It's cool, man.
Good to get out now and then.
Bit unhealthy being in each other's pockets.
- Look, do you fancy a drink? - Yeah.
I'll - Conrad.
- What are you doing with my wife? - Oh, here we go.
- Ex-wife.
- What are you trying to do? Humiliate me? - What exactly is your problem, mate? - My problem is you, you Aussie twat.
- Aussie what? All right, mate.
Listen, she called me.
She had some stupid idea about a duet together.
So why don't you talk to your ex-wife, mate? All right? Are you happy now? I was just getting somewhere with him and you had to ruin it.
- Amber, I'm so - Oh, just drop it, Conrad.
I'm a has-been.
And if it's got anything to do with you, I always will be.
Get out of my way.
Sorry, I didn't know anyone else was up yet.
- You, me and Paddy.
Here, let me do that.
- Oh, no, no.
I'll You gave me the recipe, but the least I can do is make it.
Well, looks like it's working.
Full of beans? Off for a run before training? You'll be getting brownie points if you're not careful.
Yeah, well, I've got a lot to prove, haven't I? I got to earn some respect.
I don't want to humiliate my dad.
At least he ain't pressing charges, eh? Oh, come on, mate.
You chucked her.
- All right, cobber.
- Shut up, Darius.
- Here comes daddy's boy.
- All right, Seb.
- All right.
- Don't worry, Boss.
We'll look after him.
Don't cut him any slack, all right? Just make sure you work him.
- Ignore him.
- Listen, Big Balls, you want to get past the surname, you got to do it on the pitch.
Watch and learn, eh? Yeah, cheers, I'll bear that in mind.
- Is it just me or has he got an attitude problem? - What do you expect? How's he supposed to get past his surname if you keep banging on about it? Do you fancy him or what? Okay, Olga, I'm off.
Here's my number.
His father will be here this afternoon.
Feel free to give him a hard time.
(Mobile ringing) Hello? Oh, Tristan.
I'm off to lunch, why? You bagged me another walk-on part in an advert? You're joking.
Well, of course I'm excited.
I mean, I can't wait to shoot the video.
It's going to be wild and colourful and Whoo! The director specifically asked for me.
He loves my films and he thinks that, well, this song is just right for my range.
He's a big cheese on the whole bhangra scene.
So what Surjit wants, Surjit gets.
Well done, babe.
I can't wait to see you on Top of the Pops.
- You told Conrad yet? - Well, I did leave a message.
He's just going to have to stay later with Phoenix so I can meet the director.
For God's sake, Amber, when are you going to give in and take him back? Don't encourage her, nothing wrong with being single.
- And plenty wrong with blokes.
Work it out.
- I don't know.
If Bruno baby-sat half as much as Conrad, so I could go out, never mind all the flowers and jewellery, I would not risk losing him.
Yeah, but Bruno hasn't got quite so much to make up for, has he? Look, I'm just biding my time, ladies.
Let him sweat.
Or give a girl a go? - Hazel.
- Why not? Look at what you've both been through with your men.
Bulls in china shops.
Can't keep their pants on.
And they always manage to get caught.
So not only do you look like a twat, but you got to give them shit for the next however long or they'll think they've been clever.
- She's not all wrong, you know.
- Now, a woman, see, knows how to balance things without dropping them.
If it goes right, fantastic.
If not at least there ain't an audience.
- You don't know what you're missing, ladies.
- So why are you still single, then? I have my moments.
And that's my point, darling.
You wouldn't know.
'Cause women don't make a song and dance of it.
They're elegant, mature, discreet.
And here comes the exception.
- SHANNON: Hiya.
- Turn that bloody camera off, you daft bint! What? I just wanted to say well done for getting the gig.
- Conrad.
- And I'm sorry about the Peter Andre thing.
I was jealous.
Pure and simple.
Peter Andre can spin.
I don't need him anymore.
You never did.
Madam.
- Thank you.
- Dinner will be served at 8:00, sir.
I got a little team together for a celebration meal.
They can do it for one if you don't want me to stay.
You're good.
I'll give you that.
- Cheers.
- Yeah.
Well, thanks for coming out.
It gets a bit full on at my dad's.
I'll bet.
No, like I said, I know what it's like to be the new kid.
I said a few of us might be here.
- Please tell me it's a vodka in that.
- Oh, no.
I'm playing it safe.
It's all right for you lot.
You've made it.
- I'm not taking any chances.
- Well, I am.
- Beer, please, love.
- Looks like it's not the first.
- You want to calm down, Darius? - Yeah, what's your problem, gaylord? Three's a crowd.
- Pack it in.
- You know he used to be bent? But, apparently, he's bent the other way.
So you're safe now.
- I got a girlfriend, all right? - So, like, what did they do? Give you electric shocks and stuff like that when you saw a naked bloke.
That's so prehistoric, man.
It's up here.
I'm just thinking different.
Anyway, can we move on? Too right.
Well, Webbsie wanted us to look after his boy.
Perk of the job, that's assuming you're not bent and all.
As if.
And you like the song? Well, I've heard the demo.
Yeah.
I mean, the lyrics are a bit ropey in some places, but I can change that when we lay it down.
So, do you want to come to the studio on shoot day? - lf you want me to.
- It's up to you.
I just thought, you know, maybe you could bring Phoenix along.
And there's me thinking it was my company that was required.
- Don't rush me, Conrad.
- See? That's the second time you've suggested there's something to rush.
Tell me I'm not wrong and I'll take it as slowly as you want.
Does that answer your question? But why would I lie? Look who I'm with.
You know them, right? Well, look at this face 'cause a year from now, - you'll be telling all your mates about tonight.
- I'm going.
See you at training.
- Boss.
- Where is he? You, get your jacket, you're leaving.
Excuse me, love.
I said get your jacket.
Jesus wept, I knew it was only a matter of time.
- You all right, Boss? - And you.
You're benched and all.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Two flaming minutes you're here and you're out on the piss like the big man, like you got it all.
- What the hell are - Don't lip me.
You show me up in public, I'll come down on you like a ton of bricks.
Show you up? Holy shit, you're off your rocker! Here, smell my breath.
Orange juice that is.
And I'm up every morning, training and working, but you don't see bollocks, do you? Except that I might let you down.
In fact, you're expecting it.
I don't know why you even bothered.
Don't worry about a lift, I'll walk.
You've probably had a drink or two and I'd hate to get stopped.
It might damage my reputation, Boss.
- I've probably drank too much.
- Give me two minutes, Mr Fry.
It hasn't got a watch, sweetheart.
It don't work like that.
We'll just lie here then, till you decide.
Do what you want with me, whatever you want.
- Yeah, well, I want you to go.
- Eh? Go on, piss off.
I'm knackered.
You're out of order, you.
I didn't ask to come back here, you know.
- You invited me.
- Yeah, now I've changed my mind.
Here.
Go on, get a cab.
Get lost.
Limp dick bastard! So I'll see you next week, then.
You set the pace.
I just need to find my feet, Conrad.
But I'm getting there.
Hi.
It's me.
Yeah, cheers.
Look, just make it look good.
And remember, it's got nothing to do with me.
(Bhangra music playing) - Look, it's better than "gonna survive".
- Darling, it's been done.
- Ages ago.
- "I will survive" doesn't date.
I'm not ripping it off.
What about "I will endure"? Look, I like the "I will".
It's more me.
Yeah.
It doesn't work, darling.
So let's just do it the way it's written.
- What do you think? - Beautiful.
Oh, you got to see the western outfit when we do the England bit.
It's a scorcher.
- I can't wait.
- This is Conrad.
Surjit's my director.
We're doing our very best with your With Amber.
- She's very talented.
- Of course she is.
Which is why I don't wanna waste another second.
Okay! Positions! I'll let you get on.
I'm going to check on Phoenix.
- I'll pop back later, yeah? - Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
No, it's good that we're talking about this, Noah, but I don't think you're telling us the whole truth.
Are you trying to say you're having urges again? No.
No, I'm saying it's hard when everyone keeps harking back to, like, what you were.
It makes you think about it, you know? Well, it wouldn't be unusual to have a setback, but you have to confront it, Noah.
No, it's not that.
I just hate it when everyone reckons you're some sort of freak if you're gay.
But even worse, for wanting to change.
They reckon we're all sat here with electrodes on, brainwashing ourselves.
I mean, that wouldn't, like, work, would it? You know our manifesto.
Homosexuality is not a natural genetic state that can't be unlearned.
We don't need to use so-called aversion therapy to brainwash because we know that the natural state is to be heterosexual.
Any brainwashing that went on happened before you were aware of it.
Positive psychology.
Understanding the reasons why you act out, it's the only helpful way forward.
- Okay? - Yeah.
Of course, that's what I thought.
(Bhangra music playing) - Cut! - What? You said I didn't have to be in sync this time! It's your Bharat Natyam, darling.
You really have to do it properly.
- I am doing it bloody properly.
- Show her again.
We can always simplify it, or we can just cut it.
No.
Look, I do it in an East-meets-West kind of way.
- Like, that's the whole point of the song.
- Okay, reset.
Let's go again! If she mucks it up again, we'll skip it.
Easy! You just seem less certain of yourself.
I mean, if you're having doubts about what you want, then we can solve it together.
I'm certain, I definitely don't want to be gay.
- It's just - Just what, Noah? I mean, if you're having homosexual thoughts then I think I need to know.
Not just as your mentor, but as Bethany's father.
Oh, you don't need to worry, Tim.
I really respect Bethany.
I'd never do anything to her.
I know you wouldn't but if there are problems, things you want to sort out, I strongly urge you to do it before you get married.
- Married? - She told me.
Sorry, we're a close family.
I don't know why it's a secret anyway.
Girls.
Girls, come here.
I've told Noah I know about the engagement.
Dad! Well, it was more of when.
You know, one day.
Sorry, I don't understand.
Are you engaged or not? Well, yeah.
Technically, yeah.
Congratulations, kids.
Well, we haven't set a date yet but we really love each other, don't we? I think this calls for a celebration.
Let's get some champagne on the way home.
Come on.
AMBER: Look, I know what I'm talking about.
I've been doing this for years.
Well, the producer agrees with me, okay? So let's just do it the way I said for now, before we run into overtime.
We can always look at it again in the dub.
No, Surjit, if I mime it like that, then we're stuck with it.
I'm not stupid.
If you had a problem with it, you should have said so when we recorded it.
- I did say and you said it was a guide track.
- That's what we want.
- It doesn't rhyme! - It's fine! Who thinks "lady" rhymes with "maybe", eh? Or am I the only one who's going effing ears here? You're the only one who hasn't.
- Amber, maybe you should - Conrad, you just back off! Okay? It's got nothing to do with you.
You don't know what side your bread's buttered on, sweetheart.
I beg your pardon.
I have had enough of you.
You're sacked! I want another director.
You can't sack me, you spoilt bitch.
I'm doing you a favour.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - This isn't worth it.
I don't care how much you're paying me.
I feel like I'm pissing in the wind.
Amber, I - I told you to make her happy.
- You told me to make her look good.
If we do it her way, she'll look like a bloody idiot and so will I! Oh, you tosser.
Amber! It's like a club in some ways.
We give each other tips.
Hold each other's hands when things are a bit scary with the press, you know.
And we have a laugh 'cause it's only really the other wives and girlfriends that know what it's like to be like dead normal people but living in totally abnormal world.
Take Lucy Milligan for example, she's Bruno's wife.
She's a mum.
She works in their club.
And she's still got time to be a cracking mate.
I think she's in tonight.
Come on.
Hiya, is Lucy around? Excuse me, love.
What's your name? (Speaking foreign language) Don't be shy.
It's only a little camera.
So how long have you been working for the Milligans? What's your name? What's your name? Hussain.
Where are you from? France? - Where you from? - Azerbaijan.
Azerbe where? Continental cuisine or what? You'd think someone would have phoned or texted by now.
They're all bloody in it.
It's pretty late, Shan.
They're probably all just taping it.
(Mobile ringing) See? Someone knows we're on.
You got to help me, man.
You're the only one.
What's he doing here? Come to rape me, have you, wanker? Pack it in, Shan.
Sit down! I can't sleep, Harley.
It's like I'm hearing summat and I've got all these conversations in my head.
I can't say sorry to anyone because no one knows.
You're just pissed, Darius.
Pissed, man.
It's the only thing I'm doing well at the moment.
Please, just say you know that I would never do it again! It's yourself you got to convince, mate.
Not me.
Just get over it, yeah? It's history.
- History? - Yeah.
So will you be if you don't get a grip.
Hey! Hey! We've got a match on Saturday.
So go home, sober up and calm it.
- Yeah, mate.
Yeah.
- Go on.
CONRAD: It's networking.
The mother company's got connections with my management.
You bunging them a wad to keep their shitty label afloat is not networking.
Conrad, it's a bribe.
All so you can make a fool of me.
You'd have the opportunity to shine and you still can.
One thing.
Just one thing that didn't have you involved.
How much is that to ask? I know that's what you wanted and that's why I didn't tell you.
What's wrong with accepting a bit of help? We're linked, you and I, like it or not and I tell you, I like it.
In fact, I owe you.
'Cause if it hadn't been for you in the beginning, backing me up, encouraging me, I never would have made it.
And now it's payback time and I want to encourage you and that's all I want to do.
A bit of a hand setting you up and nobody needs know about it.
The rest is down to you.
I could really be something if people would just let me.
If you'd let yourself.
I'll have a word with Surjit.
He's a shit but he knows what he's talking about.
You should listen to him.
Don't blow it 'cause you're pissed off with me.
I'm not some charity case, Conrad.
No.
You're my girl.
And I love you.
Why else would I be doing this? Don't you get it? Come on.
It's show time.
Hey, you look fitter every time I see you.
Come on, Seb.
You're pissed off with me and fair dos, but enough's enough.
I'm just minding my business.
Getting on with it, right? I keep out of your way, you keep out of mine.
- I'll see you in training.
- Look I was never much of a father, I admit that.
But I'm a good coach and you got something special, I can see it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Which is why I reckon it's time to see what you're made of.
I'm just doing the line-up for Saturday.
And I'm sticking you on the bench.
If I get the opportunity, I will play you.
You got to be kidding.
No silver spoon there, then.
- Congratulations.
- Cheers.
- Welcome to the team.
- Cheers, Conrad.
Right.
Listen up, lads.
As an overall view, I want to try and get an early goal.
Put these lads on the back foot psychologically and then keep attacking.
Keep going forward.
If we can unsettle these lads, they will raise their game.
Where's Fry? I saw him come in.
(Water running) (Darius sobbing) I'm history.
The thing is, I haven't got a sari.
Well, it's not compulsory, sweetheart.
I just thought it would be a bit fun, that's all.
It's just like a bhangra theme for the screening.
Oh, well, might get one anyway.
Shame you didn't screen my documentary at Cocoon.
Someone might have actually seen it then.
I'm gutted I forgot.
It's just I don't normally bother with cable.
You've got it taped, though, haven't you? You can pass it round.
Yeah, but you have to watch it before you watch the next episode.
- You look nice, Jacks.
- Oh, thanks.
Lovely to see you here, Amber.
- Does this mean you and Conrad are - Early days.
We'll see.
I love the honeymoon period when you get back together.
It's almost worth splitting up for.
Hey, Jackie, did you catch my documentary? No, I'm sorry, love.
It was on a bit too late for me.
You got it taped? Oh, look.
Come on, girls.
Ten minutes to kick-off.
COMMENTATOR: And at the end of a distinctly uneventful first half, we're still awaiting a goal.
It's evenly matched so far but there's not a lot of excitement, it has to be said.
No, there isn't, is there? It's a shame Darius Fry's not in the picture.
I can't help feeling we're missing his left foot.
Well, if I was Roger Webb, I'd be thinking of making a few changes.
I mean, he's got the young Seb Webb there, sitting on the bench, biding his time, waiting for his dad to give him the nod but Don't make a fool of yourself, Webbsie.
He's keen.
I'll give him that.
Look at the communication with Gates.
He's a natural.
COMMENTATOR 2: Well, he's certainly not shy.
And for the second time, he's up there in the danger zone.
And Lawson's hit it for the cross.
He's clear! Oh, it's a goal! Yes! It's unbelievable! Two and a half minutes on the pitch and young Sebastian Webb has scored.
Roger, you must be very proud.
Yeah, I'm proud of all the lads.
They defended well, kept their calm and at the end of the day, Seb performed.
I knew he was on form otherwise I wouldn't have played him.
I don't care what any of you lot say.
And he's proved me right.
It's just important to take the confidence this has given us into the next game and capitalise on that.
- Thanks.
- Okay, thank you.
Hi.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Hey, well played, Milligan.
I just don't want to burn you out, all right? No, no, it's cool.
Nice one from your kid, yeah? Well played, Boss.
BRUNO: Just a shame about Fry.
He just needs some time.
Don't worry about him, eh? Get changed, I'll get you a drink up in the lounge.
- Yeah.
I got a piss test first.
I'll see you up there.
- All right.
Hi, how are you doing? Who's on the list? Okay.
All right, listen up, lads.
Result! Well played, well played, all of you.
We got the drugs tests in today so those of you on the list, make it snappy.
'Cause the first round's on me.
(All cheering) Conrad Gates.
Right, and when is this supposed to be? Dave Swift.
Okay, that's it.
See you all in the physio suite.
It was horrible, Shan.
You should've seen him, just crying like a baby.
I mean, he's broken up.
- He never said why, did he? - No, and don't you say anything, neither.
Them lot just think he were a pisshead.
I reckon he's got enough to worry about.
- Really, yeah? - I just had to tell him.
Hiya, Noah.
- You were brilliant, babe.
Well done.
- I was okay.
- Seb was brilliant.
- Yeah.
Well, I hope you guys are coming to my screening tonight.
Cocoons.
And there's a special menu on for after.
- Yeah, maybe.
- I'll see you later, then.
I'll see you there later, yeah? We can announce our engagement.
You know, like Tanya and Conrad did.
Well, we ain't Tanya and Conrad.
I don't really like all that.
- Besides, I haven't had time to get you a ring yet.
- Well, that's true.
Listen, Bethany, I'm going to give it a miss tonight.
I'm feeling pretty tired.
That's all right.
I'll come to yours and cook you something.
I just need a bit of time on my own.
Don't take it personally.
Well played.
- Seb, well done.
- Cheers, Dad.
- Next time, make it two, will you? - Yeah.
No fear of getting a big head while you're around, eh? Man of the match, or what, eh? Not that I had any doubts.
- Yeah, well played.
- Hey, where's Conrad? Piss test.
They always turn up when you least expect it.
That's the point, sweetheart.
- I don't know.
I've never had one before.
- They're a pain in the arse.
Anyway, beer's not an illegal substance so I'll get them in.
Yeah, go on.
You've earned it.
MAN 1: (On TV) Door's open.
MAN 2: Sorry I'm late, mate.
The traffic is murder.
- You're not the builder.
- No, I'm the builder's mate.
There's dust all over you.
- That's not dust.
- What is it, then? You better give me your overalls.
Let me give them a good scrub down.
(Breathing heavily) (Clicking) (Groans) As I ran down the wing, I was looking for a space.
I chipped the ball past the last defender, looked up, booted it and soon as I kicked it, I knew it was going in.
Oh, it was the most amazing moment in all my life.
# Western lady # Western lady # Never say maybe to a Western lady # Boy, are you man enough? # Boy, are you glam enough? # Boy, are you bhangra enough? # Boy, boy, boy, boy # Western lady # Western lady # Never say maybe to a Western lady # I like sleeping in the fields of the Punjab # In the sun, I see the neon lights of Soho # Just a flicker, just a moment # A moment of love # The sun shines down in Bombay # I was so proud of her.
I couldn't believe it.
I popped down while they were filming, it blew me away.
Give me a football any day.
I couldn't do it.
Well, of course, I've done countless films, but a music video was a new experience to me.
It all happened so quickly.
One day.
But, thank God for Surjit.
He is such a pro.
Darling, you are an absolute angel to work with.
You know, whenever it got intense, there was Amber, always ready with a quick joke or an encouraging word.
Making everyone feel relaxed.
(On TV) Fine weather made for excellent conditions and many in the know were hopeful that records would tumble.
They were right.
Night, boys.
I'm off to bed.
- Listen, well done again, love.
- Oh, cheers.
I know your dad's hard on you but, well, he's right, isn't he? It's paid off.
- We're very proud of you, aren't we, Rog? - Of course we are.
- Good night.
- Good night, love.
Night.
Tell you what, Dad, I couldn't sleep now if you paid me.
Take a pill, then.
Don't be daft.
Just wound up.
I can't stop thinking about today.
Do you ever do that, though, son? Take pills.
You know, vitamins, stuff like that.
What are you on about? Well I take a supplement if I'm feeling run down.
Who doesn't? Well, it's just when the FA drug testing lot come in earlier, well, you looked like you was gonna have a heart attack.
Well I don't know, I've never seen them before.
- I was just thinking about the match.
- Right.
So, well, you won't mind giving me a sample, then.
Just so I can be sure.
You want to give me a piss test? Come on, call me a bastard later.
But just put my mind at rest, eh? For Christ's sakes! It's only a video.
Three minutes, tops.
It's not even in the flipping charts.
Well, be fair.
They haven't released it yet.
Our doco's six parts.
No one's even bothered to turn on the telly, let alone have a party.
Have you got a passport, sir? Of course I've got a shitting passport.
Will you get out of my kitchen? What the hell's going on? We have reason to believe you have illegal immigrants in your employ at Cocoons.
Cocoon.
Singular.
What's your national insurance number, sir? This is ridiculous.
I was assured they had paperwork.
I don't understand.
I mean, who said they didn't? A certain documentary featuring your establishment has raised a few suspicions, sir.
If you'll just cooperate while we question these gentlemen, you can get back to your evening.
What docum What does it take to get some service around here, eh? There's Hussain.
Hiya, remember me? Oh, my God.
Got handcuffs on.
Just do it.
- This is crazy.
- Then prove it.
- Well, I can't just go like that.
- Just piss.
Get in there and piss! Just piss, God damn it! They They said it would help the stamina.
I didn't want to let you down, Dad.
- At least you're different.
- Eh? I can see why he married you.
If you ever spout any of that shit again, then that will be your face.