Ghosts (2021) s04e05 Episode Script

1
- (SIGHING)
- Incredible.
Last night he dreamed about making eggs.
And now he's making eggs.
I hang out with Jay in
his dreams sometimes.
And I flew to Geneva last week.
We all have our powers.
Oh, gosh. Didn't see you there, Hetty.
- Sorry.
- (GRUMBLES)
Jay, guess what.
Somebody wants to rent out
the ballroom, and this time
it's not people who
want to shoot a porno.
I still think you should
have let that play out.
The script was good.
That's incredible. Who
wants to rent it out?
The Hudson Valley Players.
They're the premier
community theater organization
in all of Ulster County.
Recently nominated for a Toby.
- You mean a Tony?
- Oh, similar,
but these are just
for the Hudson Valley,
and the winners are
chosen by a guy named Toby.
Sounds prestigious.
Anyway, they needed a venue
for their fall musical,
and all of the good ones
were taken, so they chose us.
They're doing Cole Porter's
Anything Goes.
Oh, I knew Cole.
Had a big thing for me.
Practically obsessed.
Wasn't he, like, famously gay?
You couldn't just let
me have that, Trev?
Wait, Sam, wasn't Anything
Goes the musical
you were almost in in high school?
Some people say listening
is my real ghost power.
I was tech crew. Should
have been the lead,
but, you know, politics.
Oh, yeah, you got robbed, babe.
Okay, that felt obligatory.
JAY: And I heard the lighting
was the best part of the show that year.
Ugh. So patronizing.
This is getting sad.
♪
♪
Is that your contractor?
SAMANTHA: Yeah. He's one of
the Hudson Valley Players.
People are still buzzing
about his performance in Rent last year.
There's Toby talk.
Oh, this takes me back. (LAUGHS)
I miss being around show business.
Or, you know, whatever this is.
Hey, Mark. Looking good.
Uh, listen, when you're done,
I think there's an issue
with the walk-in freezer.
Jay, if I could just stop
you. When I'm in this space,
I'm not your contractor. I'm an artist.
Yeah. For sure. It's
just that the restaurant
opens in a few weeks
Shh.
This is a sacred space.
Okay.
Are you guys seeing that talent?
Wouldn't mind if a stage
light fell on her, am I right?
Who is she?
("IF YOU WERE HERE" BY
THOMPSON TWINS PLAYING)
If you were here. ♪
Oh, yeah. In the cult,
she would have been
a top five wife for Bruce, for sure.
Which means she would have
gotten carrots with dinner.
Carrots should be for everybody.
Oh, Pete.
Bruce warned us about people like you.
Wow. This is a pretty nice spread.
You think this is impressive?
This is nothing compared to what we had
on the set of L&O.
Law and Order.
You were on Law and Order?
SCOTT: Not in the final cut, but
yeah, I was there.
They called it craft services.
And it offered every culinary
creation under the sun.
Hot foods,
cold foods,
gum.
Oh, uh, this is my husband Jay.
Jay, this is Scott Morgan.
Two-time Toby-nominated director.
And assistant sales manager
at Davenport Chevrolet.
Oh, I'm not really in the market.
That's what everyone says
until they feel the smooth
ride of the new Malibu.
I'm so sorry, Scott.
I have something you need to see.
ISAAC: Hamilton used to
wear a lot of scarves.
Turns out he was covering
up adulterous hickeys.
(CHUCKLES) That man frequented whores.
My friends. Attention, please.
It is with a heavy
heart I must inform you
that our beloved leading
lady Brenda Hanover
is no longer with us.
(ALL GASPING)
She was unable to secure
time off from her job at Lowe's
and is stepping down from
her role as Reno Sweeney.
He did not need to deliver
that information like that.
That is how you milk a moment.
I could take the part.
Ooh, immediately
trying to take advantage
of someone else's misfortune.
(CHUCKLES) I like her.
Thank you, Marisa.
But it will be an open competition.
We shall hold auditions
for the role of Reno
Sweeney Monday. Jay.
- Huh?
- I need to print a sign-up sheet. Please,
take me to the business center.
I got a laptop in the kitchen.
Then to the kitchen.
So, tell me, what are
you currently driving?
Sam, isn't Reno Sweeney the
role you wanted in high school?
You should audition.
Me? No. This isn't some
rinky-dink production.
This is the Hudson Valley Players.
They performed at the mall.
Come on, Sam. Do you
know what I would give
for just one more minute
back in the spotlight?
This is your dream.
How are you just gonna stand
there and let it pass you by?
Look, I appreciate the support,
but I'm really not interested.
- But, Sam
- I said no.
Okay? Just leave it alone.
I'm just saying, bring
that drama to the stage.
- Mm.
- (SIGHS)
ERNIE JOHNSON: And now, this year's
winner of the James Beard Award
- for Best New Chef, Northeast
- Stop.
Jay Arondeker!
Here you go, Chef.
I just want to thank
everyone who believed in me.
And to my mom, Champa
I owe everything to you.
- AUDIENCE: Aw.
- (ORCHESTRAL BEGINS PLAYING)
Seriously? Walk-off music?
This is my dream.
Right this way, Mr. Arondekar.
Hold up. Isn't that the lady
from the community theater group?
Interesting, Jay.
She just popped into my head. (CHUCKLES)
You can't control a pop. People pop!
Hey, I'm Marisa.
Oh, uh hi.
Sasappis.
- You look good in a tux.
- (WEAK CHUCKLE)
- What is happening?
- You heard the music. Walk off, son.
(GASPS) Unless you want me to
tell Sam that you didn't thank her.
This is so lame.
Again, my dream.
Your hair is amazing.
Never once used conditioner.
Yeah. 'Cause I died 500 years ago.
(LAUGHS)
- You're funny.
- Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi. (CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Hi.
ALBERTA: Sam, what happened yesterday
with you storming off like that?
I just didn't want to audition.
That's all. I have a
lot going on right now.
Yeah, it's true. There
was that guest last month.
And there's the weekly sorting
of the mail on Wednesdays.
And I'm trying to support you, Sam,
but you have the calendar of a retiree.
ALBERTA: You know this role
and you're dying to play it.
Hell, you would've
played it in high school
if it wasn't for politics.
Well, that's not completely true.
I will be singing the song
"I Get A Kick Out of You."
- (RETCHES)
- MAN: My pants!
- So it wasn't politics.
- I mean,
some of the puke splashed on
the student council president.
So that was sort of political.
I once vomited in James
Madison's carriage.
In fairness, we were
traversing a bumpy road
and I had just had a pheasant pie.
It was humiliating.
After that, I moved to tech crew and
I've been terrified to
get on stage ever since.
Oh, Sam. You can't
let one bad performance
get in the way of your dreams.
Girl, I fell into the music
pit once at the Red Cat.
Got my head stuck in a tuba.
But was I back on stage the next day?
Damn right I was.
Nursing a concussion and
drowning in bathtub gin.
They said I gave one hell of a show,
but I don't really remember.
But what if I audition and things go
just as badly as they did the last time?
ALBERTA: You just need confidence.
And confidence is all
about feeling prepared.
Let me take you under my wing.
Alberta Haynes knows
just how to get you there.
You'd really do that for me?
I mean, I'm pretty busy, but
I think I can make some time.
Okay, what the heck?
Thanks, Alberta. You're a good friend.
Hey. We're gonna have a lot of fun.
(IMITATES ALARM BLARING)
W-what time is it?
It's time to get your ass out of bed.
Your training starts now.
But it's 4:00 a.m.
That'll be ten more laps.
- There's gonna be laps?
- SASAPPIS: Hey.
Can you keep it down?
I'm trying to enter
your husband's dreams.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
We all have to live here.
(SIGHS)
Hey, can I ask you guys for advice?
Absolutely. Stay away
from the brown acid.
Thank you. But, uh,
it's more dating-related.
Okay.
Don't date any members of Fleetwood Mac.
TREVOR: Sass. What's going on?
Who are you dating?
Well, you actually know her.
Remember that hot stretching lady
from the theater troupe, Marisa?
Wait, did a light actually fall on her?
Was there any damage to the punim?
She's not dead. Okay,
this is gonna sound a little nuts,
but we hung out in Jay's dream.
So you're dating someone in
another person's subconscious?
I don't think I've even gone there.
Yeah, this is a little unorthodox.
Well, hey, he the
guy's got limited options.
- We're ghosts, we can't even leave the property.
- Well
- Pete, no.
- SASAPPIS: There's only one problem.
So, I went into Jay's dream
last night to see her again,
but she wasn't there.
It was just Jay trapped in a
walk-in freezer with the '86 Mets.
Oh, well, that makes sense,
'cause he was talking to Mark
about the freezer and then he watched
that baseball documentary
before bed. Yes.
You just need to get
him to think about Marisa
before he goes to sleep.
Yeah, just tell Sam to ask her husband
to think about that hot,
bendy lady right before bed.
I might not use those exact words.
- Probably a good strategy.
- Eh.
ALBERTA: Sam, this is gonna be
the hardest day of your life.
I'm here to break you down
and build you back up again.
And why are they here?
We're bored. And we
believe in you and stuff.
So, what exactly does this entail?
I'm gonna train your mind,
your body and your soul.
There will be moments when
you won't want to go on,
but go on you will.
By the time I'm through with you,
you'll be so prepared,
you won't know how to fail.
Get her, Berty.
I mean, let's go, Sam!
Dancers need perfect posture.
Again.
And any actor worth
her salt can cry on cue.
Mm I don't see any tears.
Mm, this might help.
Your mother's dead and
your business is a failure!
- Still no tears.
- It was a good thought.
Yeah.
La, la, la, la ♪
La, la, la, la ♪
Singing is about endurance
and breath control!
Let's expand those lungs!
- Can I have a water?
- Of course you can,
- in 80 more laps.
- Ugh!
Ooh, gave her a little hope
and then snatched it away.
Well done.
(GRUNTING)
How's it going with Alberta, babe?
Well, I cried twice, but
not when I was supposed to.
Sam, I need you to get Jay to
dream about that Marisa girl
from the community theater
group again tonight.
Jay, did you have a dream
about that girl Marisa?
You can't control a pop-in, okay?
Damn it, Sass.
Okay, a couple nights ago,
I was hanging out in Jay's dream,
and Marisa popped in.
It was very innocent on Jay's part,
but Marisa and I
uh, we kind of hit it off.
Aw. Weird, but aw.
The problem is
and you'll like this
Jay hasn't dreamed about her since,
but I need him to if I'm
gonna hang out with her again.
Larry Bird popped in last week. (SCOFFS)
Don't have a thing for him.
Okay. So, what's the
action item here, Sass?
Okay, I need you to encourage Jay
to think about Marisa
before he goes to sleep.
Obviously, that doesn't
guarantee an appearance,
but it's worth a shot.
Okay. Jay, before you go to bed tonight,
I want you to think about Marisa,
so Sass can hang out with her again.
We're in weird territory here.
Yeah.
Let's get back to it, Sam!
We got 24 hours till our big audition.
Alberta, I don't know
if this is going so well.
Sam, as bad as you're feeling right now,
and as much as you're hurting,
it'll all be worth it when
you're up on that stage.
There's nothing in the
world like that feeling.
We can get there, Sam,
but I need you to believe in yourself,
- because I believe in you.
- JAY: Sam,
where are all our plates?
("YOU'RE THE BEST" BY
JOE ESPOSITO PLAYING)
(WHOOPS) Go, Sam!
Yes, girl!
Around ♪
Nothing's gonna
ever keep you down ♪
That's it. You're doing it.
Around ♪
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪
You're the best around ♪
(CHEERING)
She climbed three stairs.
And she's celebrating
like she's Ben Franklin
after he climbed three stairs.
(LAUGHS) He was portly.
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down. ♪
Alberta's been so amazing, Jay.
I actually think I could get this part.
Wouldn't that be incredible?
Huh? Oh, yeah. That'd be awesome, babe.
Okay, I know I asked you to
look at Marisa's Instagram,
- but spring break 2018?
- It's for Sass.
Why are you all zoomed in?
Well, I-I wanted to avoid
any of her sorority
sisters popping in. (SCOFFS)
For Sass.
ALBERTA: Guys, we have a big problem.
I just came from the ballroom,
I saw Marisa warming up.
- Sam's competition for that role.
- Ooh-wee!
She got a voice of an angel.
Well, I guess Sam will just
have to give it her best.
That's all you can do.
No, it's not all we can
do, you peace-loving freak.
We've come too far and we're too close.
I ain't gonna let this part get away.
It's time for Berty to play dirty.
Guess who saw his dream girl last night?
- All right!
- Awesome, man. Give us some deets.
Aw, we just hung out and talked.
She's got a lot of fun interests.
- Very into superheroes.
- PETE: Huh.
- That's unexpected.
- Yeah.
And big Star Wars girl, too.
And sneakers. She loves sneakers.
And the New York Knicks.
- Oh, boy.
- What?
Is her favorite restaurant Sonic
and does she love D&D?
Yes on both counts.
Those are all Jay's interests.
You're not dating Marisa, Sass.
You're dating Jay.
(LAUGHING): No, no, no.
It does make a lot of
sense. I mean, she exists
entirely in Jay's subconscious.
Okay, you guys are just
jealous because I found someone.
If anything, I'm jealous
that you're dating Jay.
D-did he mention me? I mean, did
Sorry, did she mention me?
I'm not dating Jay, okay?
Marisa is her own person who
has her own cool interests.
How many times did she reference
The Shawshank Redemption?
Oh, my God, I'm dating Jay.
Red leather, yellow
leather, lavender leather.
Red leather, yellow
leather, lavender leather.
What animal makes
lavender leather, I wonder?
Hm. Hippopotamus dries
to a purplish hue.
We had an ottoman.
- Oh, a "hippopottoman." That's fun.
- (CHUCKLES)
Ten minutes, Samantha. I'll
see you in the ballroom.
You have one chance to
wow me and one chance only,
because I have Chevrolets to sell.
- You're gonna get that promotion.
- I need less from you, Jeff.
(SIGHS) Great note.
How you feeling, Sam? Like a star?
I'm ready. (CHUCKLES)
I know my tap routine,
my song. I got this.
Awesome. Now, Alberta, when
do I walk through Marisa?
What?
Oh, Alberta told me to walk
through your competition
- so she'd get super high and mess up.
- (WEAK CHUCKLE)
There goes our girl again.
What else did she say?
Oh, yeah, don't tell Sam.
- But you said you believed in me.
- ALBERTA: I do.
It's just a little insurance policy.
Yeah, because you didn't
think I could do it on my own.
I can't believe this. I
thought you were my friend.
- (BOTH GASP)
- HETTY: In retrospect,
perhaps not the best
idea to entrust Flower
with your secret mission.
Yeah, you really messed up.
Can we talk?
Well, I'm pretty busy setting
up snacks for the cast right now.
Though I'm probably not
even qualified to do that.
That's not true.
Although I do think the chips
should go closer to the dip.
Is this what you wanted to talk about?
No. I owe you an apology.
I went too far. And what I realized is
I wasn't just trying to help you.
I was also doing this for me.
What does that mean?
I miss the limelight, Sam.
When I was alive and I was
up there singing? (CHUCKLES)
Well, that's the most
alive I've ever felt.
And you getting that part,
I think, in some small way,
was gonna make me feel
like I was on stage.
And I know I got a little carried away
because (CLICKS TONGUE)
I just wanted it so bad. For both of us.
But that wasn't the way that
I wanted to win the part.
I know, Sam,
and I'm sorry. I wasn't
thinking straight.
And what would make all this even worse
is if my actions prevented you
from getting to live your dream.
Oh, there you are.
Scott's looking for you.
We don't make Scott wait.
ALBERTA: Sam,
whatever you do, I think
you're a star either way.
(SIGHS) It's just so pathetic.
I was so desperate to be with someone,
to have a connection, that I got excited
about a figment of Jay's imagination.
You're being too hard on yourself.
This one time, I ate too many shrooms
and dated a saguaro
cactus for, like, a week.
He was sweet. Great listener.
It's nice of you guys to
try to cheer me up, but
let's face it: I'm alone.
And I'm never gonna meet anyone new.
You may not be able to find someone,
but maybe I can.
Maybe it's time I start to
use my power to help others.
For the less fortunate, the housebounds.
Even when he's being
nice, it's just so smug.
Sass, I will search far and wide,
and I will find someone
who's not bound to a property.
I mean, there's got to be
others out there like me,
and I'll bring one back to you.
Like some kind of spectral pimp.
Matchmaker, maybe, is
more what I was thinking.
Wait, really, Pete?
You'd do that for me?
It would be my honor.
Hey, if you come across
any non-housebound
dead Dallas Cowboy
cheerleaders, could you
Hey, he's looking for me, man.
I can't put an order in?
I'm just saying, if he sees one.
You don't even know
what those are. Selfish.
Last call for Samantha?
Samantha?
- Sorry I'm late, I was
- I don't need excuses.
I need excellence.
ALBERTA: Yes!
Give 'em hell, Sam!
(PLAYS "ANYTHING GOES")
Oh, dear. She's gonna blow.
And she stress-ate all
those Twizzlers earlier.
It's gonna look like
a crime scene in here.
Listen to me, Sam.
Forget about all these people watching.
You're just singing to a friend.
In olden days ♪
A glimpse of stocking ♪
Was looked on as something shocking ♪
But now, God knows ♪
Anything goes ♪
Good authors, too ♪
Who once knew better
words, now only use ♪
Four-letter words, writing prose ♪
Anything goes ♪
(BAND PLAYING "ANYTHING GOES")
The world has gone mad today ♪
And good's bad today
and black's white today ♪
And day's night today ♪
When most guys today ♪
That women prize today ♪
Are silly gigolos ♪
That's my wife.
How you doing, bud?
Ah, I'm fine.
Although it's a little weird being here,
in the same room with my ex.
Talking about Marisa or Jay?
I don't know.
And though I'm not a great romancer ♪
I know that you're bound to answer ♪
When I propose ♪
Anything goes ♪
ISAAC: So, this is Alberta
not making it about herself?
Baby steps.
(LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Sam, you really knocked their socks off.
Oh, could you sing it again for us?
(WHISPERING): Oh, I'd love to, Flower,
but I'm on vocal rest.
We're only halfway through our season.
Of two performances.
Babe, you were incredible.
Sweetie, would you fetch me
another hot water with lemon?
I need to soothe my instrument.
Alberta, I fear you've
created a monster.
She's insufferable.
I'm so proud.