Greek s04e05 Episode Script

Previously on Greek They pulled me off the project.
I lost my wire.
I can't apologize for being confident in my abilities.
Being confident is one thing.
But disparaging my work? It's like you have no respect for me.
We broke up.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, Ash? Yeah? Tonight's all about pledge presents.
If it's ok with you, I might skip tonight.
- Do you mind? - Totally get it.
Will you be my date for pledge presents? And what about your boyfriend? He can't be bothered with a sorority party.
Not when there's a law school study group to go to.
Why are you wearing an Omega chi pledge pin? Because I'm pledging Omega chi.
I know this is a 180 for me, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing, right? Isn't that why you joined kappa tau? To change? I'd kill to be a kt.
Even if I wasn't a legacy.
Homecoming is an epic kt tradition, steeped in the ancient lore of the mighty, beer-raining, and yet, dearly departed, vesuvius.
A moment of silence, please.
Last year, we mourned vesuvius instead of throwing a party, and guess what happened? A&m knocked CRU out of the top ten best party schools, according to collegepartymonster.
org.
And dot-org's never lie.
But all is not lost.
Because this year, we will reclaim our throne with a party so epic, it'll defy belief.
A party so elevated, it'll defy gravity.
A little party I like to call Everest! We will transform our house into the biggest series of ice luges Luges? Lugi? Lugie? Ever constructed! And by "we," I mean our pledges.
- Pledges! - Yeah, cap? Oh, right.
Uh Sole pledge, spidey.
Tools are in the shed, good luck! Go on! Meeting adjourned! I am so glad to have my happy-go-lucky spitter back.
I missed him.
Losing Dana and the wire at once sucked, but no wallowing.
And I'm pretty excited for spidey.
It's his first homecoming.
I'll bet the alumnis are gonna be super impressed when they see their old house covered in ice, huh, cap? Our alums possess neither the will nor wherewithal to find their way back here.
Which is for the best, since no one wants a bunch of old guys hanging out, reliving their lost kt glory days.
- Looks like kt never changes.
- Can we help you, sir? - Guys, I've got this.
- No, you get back to work, pledge! Everest isn't gonna build itself.
And this what I'm spending seven grand a month on dues for, huh, kiddo? - Kiddo? - Guys, this is my dad, Lasker Parkes.
Take a break, pledge! Welcome back to kt! Thank you.
That's my boy! - You having fun? - Yeah! Everybody good to you? - Oh, gosh! - Oh, sorry! The only outlet's next to your desk.
It's fine.
I'm just looking for my cell phone.
Hey! So, I can't believe it's homecoming already.
- Crazy, right? - I can't believe we're alumni.
It feels like we just graduated.
I mean, I've been back for five weeks, - but it feels like five days.
- More like five seconds.
You sure it's ok, right? Me staying here so long? - Oh, it's fine.
- I know it's an imposition.
You are my best friend.
You can't be an imposition.
Ok.
Who knew looking for a job would take so long? It happens so fast in movie montages.
What happened with the office temp job? Uh, nothing.
I can't even get hired temporarily.
But I do have a second interview for a marketing firm today.
I'm trying not to get too excited.
Oh, no, you should be excited.
Who cares about a temp job that was below you, anyway? - Oh! Well, thank you, case.
- Yeah.
Hey, at least if I never get hired for any job, like, ever, - I'll always have you by my side.
- Oh! Um, so Flat irons in the bathroom only.
New rule! It's fine.
Sorry, sorry.
As I'm sure you remember, this is the game room, where we Play games, as the name might suggest.
You know, I think I was here when we got this video game.
Is this where you came up with Joshua whopper? I we all love him.
We're big fans.
Is that what made you wanna be an inventor? You know, I wouldn't call what my company does "inventing," per se.
- It's more tech development.
- Oh, um Well, have you "tech developed" anything lately? Ooh, have you figured out how to make a robot that can fall in love and also experience fear? No, not yet.
I work at a more macro level: Business strategy, boardroom politics.
That sort of thing.
Well.
That sounds neat.
We also have bathrooms, where we bathe.
- Peter, wanna show your papa? - Sure, yeah.
Come on, dad.
I'll show you the downstairs one first.
Wow, the Lasker Parkes, our most prestigious alum, in the flesh.
Depressing, huh? He's just another corporate drone.
It's like finding out Santa claus left the north pole to sit in a cubicle and listen to npr.
He's the ceo of a fortune 500 company, using his corporate drone money to pay enough dues to cover a full pledge class.
Exactly.
Which means, as dull as he may be, we gotta keep him happy, and make sure he knows we're making his son happy, too.
Hey, that one was taken.
You want me to show you the upstairs one? No, not really, I want to know what it's like for you as a kt.
- Who's your big brother? - My big what? Really you haven't had your big/little weekend yet? - No we're gonna - We we're gonna We're sorting through data and we were gonna We wanted it to be a surprise.
Surprise! We're gonna do the bigúbro ceremony tomorrow at the party.
The party.
We are.
Absolutely.
That is and was always our plan.
- Uh-huh.
- Well, I can't wait to see that.
No, I can't wait for you to see that! You totally shot me down in front of the entire class before I was finished making my point.
You can't just claim negligence, all right? Listen - If you can't take the heat - Speak in clichés? - You are extra irritable today.
- I haven't been sleeping well.
- Ashleigh has started snoring.
- She's still staying with you? I love Ash.
And yes, it is the most depressing time to find a job since the actual depression.
But we're in this room that can barely hold all of our appendages.
Look, case, you just gotta be honest with her.
- Tell her to find her own place.
- I can't.
She's my best friend.
Well, she won't be for long, if you let things continue this way.
- Just give her a little push.
- Maybe you're right.
Wow, this is not going to be an easy conversation to have.
Huh? Right.
Yeah, just You know, do it.
It's like ripping off a band-aid.
Save the friendship.
It's great.
Oh, hell, no.
- Hi, Professor Segal! - Professor Segal, hi! - Miss Cartwright.
Mr.
chambers.
- Great class today.
- The discussion of transferred intent was - Incredibly stimulating.
Stimulating.
Well, I'm late for lunch but you're both more than welcome to continue sucking up to me tomorrow at the alumni reception.
You're both CRU alums, right? - Yeah.
- Absolutely.
- Great job in class today.
- Thanks! Thank you so much.
Bye.
Kappa tau! I'm so excited for this weekend I can barely eat! Good, you'll avoid bloating.
I want my favorite pledge to have a memorable weekend.
And by "memorable", you mean? Helping Heather seduce the entire CRU Greek system.
- Ah, yes.
- Rebecca, you know hee-ther's my little sister, right? Well, you can help Heather, too, but that's kinda creepy.
Just make sure you show up to the kt homecoming party tomorrow night after the pep rally.
- It's gonna be awesome.
- You know, the last kt homecoming that I went to - was when your brother and I first started dating.
- [Heather.]
Cute! - Can we go? - It wouldn't be a homecoming without a wild, out-of-control kt party.
Well, don't stay too long Whatever your name is.
'Cause you'll literally feel your brain cells start to die.
Whatever, bing.
We're building a complex Mountain of luges.
It's an everwood theme party, because of the Mountain and the snow, you know? Everest, heath.
You know, like the Mountain? Yeah, that makes a lot more sense.
Oh, by the way, I can't make the pep rally tomorrow night.
I've got this alumni event, and my torts Professor is gonna be there, so I gotta kinda That's cool, right? Why wouldn't it be? I'll focus my energy on Heather and the pledges.
- Yikes, I'm late for class.
- Oh, I'll walk you.
I have to get to my "history of soap operas" seminar.
- See you around.
- Bye.
- Everwood? - Oh, come on.
He just misunderstood.
- He must be really good in bed.
- Yeah, he is.
But he's also kind and he's funny, he's incredibly sweet You don't have to justify your relationship to us, Cal.
He's a good dancer.
The woman was just so uptight.
I mean, "hi, can you smile?" Then she just stopped abruptly and was like, "thanks for coming in.
We'll call you.
" She said she'll call you.
That's good news.
They all say that.
It's not my first time to the job interview rodeo.
Maybe she liked you.
Some people just don't smile! Well, you're smiling a lot.
What's up, case? Nothing's up, it's just I was thinking about what we discussed this morning How you've been living with me for five weeks.
Yeah, and how awesome you've been about it.
Right.
I was just thinking that maybe it is time for you to start looking for your own place.
You know, to live.
Like an apartment.
Or something.
Uh-huh.
Absolutely.
An apartment would be Uh-huh.
I just have to figure out the whole paying rent to a landlord thing.
- Yeah, that - Yeah.
Maybe you could live with rusty for a while.
No, I can't live with rusty.
No.
He's so Yeah, right, that was a stupid idea, I know.
You know I love living with you, right? - Yeah, of course.
- Ok.
So So, I will get an apartment.
As soon as I get a job.
Great.
So, we have to stop partying at the party to have a big bro ceremony? Just to impress some old guy? An old guy whose old guy money is financing many of our young guy activities.
Do we really have to do that whole boring process where the pledge writes down three names? Well, I think we all know who Peter's big brother should be.
- Me, I'm talking about me.
- Oh I'm happy for you, Rus.
We both know what it's like to Lose a little brother.
Me with Scooby and you with Andylicious.
Now you're getting the second chance that I never had.
Will you guys excuse me? I've got something in my eye.
I'm gonna do it right this time.
I'm gonna Bond, have long talks Scooby! Well, you're both big-brained, yet spindly in stature.
You both speak fluent nerd.
Spidey & spitter Well, that's fun to say.
Looks like you've got yourself a new little brother! There you go, spidey.
I'll help you unload the rest of that ice.
- Oh, thanks.
- So, is papa parkes having fun? Oh, loads! Yeah.
Um I had a question about the big brother ceremony.
You don't have to do it naked.
Heath was just messing with you.
No, actually, I was wondering Would you be my big brother? Me? Don't you think rusty would be a better match? Rusty's great, but you're Cappie! I mean You're just so awesome, and cool, and funny and Cappie! - Yes, that is my name.
- Look, I know you can't tell me until the ceremony, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping it was you.
You're not holding out for someone else, are you? You get it? 'Cause I'm the only pledge Oh, I got it.
See, you don't even need me.
You're funny already! Now get that ice out of here.
All right.
You're so lucky to have Evan.
He's like one of those shirtless greeters at the Abercrombie stores, but like, romantic and smart.
You'll have your own Evan some day.
Some day might be sooner than you think.
Heath promised to find me a boyfriend at the kt party.
Heather, you're my number one pledge.
You can't be bogged down by a boyfriend right now.
Hey, becks.
I have a tiny favor Could you possibly, maybe Consider Giving Ash and me our old room back? Heather, the help made a funny.
Fine.
What if she stayed here with you? - Just for a little bit.
- But where would I put my exercise center? I'm sure she'll find something soon.
Experts say the economy should be back on its feet any year now.
Would you excuse us? We're talking about homecoming.
And all the hot guys I'm gonna meet at the kt party tomorrow night.
Oh, Rebecca, you know the rules from nationals.
Only university-sponsored events during homecoming.
- But everyone goes to the kt party.
- Not us, not this year.
Nationals is cracking down.
You can't go to that party.
Ok? - Ok.
- Really mean it.
- Ok.
- You can't just say "ok" and then do it, anyway.
- Rebecca? - Ok.
Ok.
- We're still going, right? - Obviously.
Hey! Check it out! Ah, George Orwell's classic dystopian novel, nineteen eighty-four.
Isn't it supposed to be "watching you?" Well, it's for Peter.
We're having our big bro ceremony at the party tomorrow night.
I'm gonna give it to him after.
You haven't matched up yet? Me and my big, trip, are already besties.
Trip's your big brother? Yeah, you know, I never thought I could be friends with a red-top, either.
But, he's the Prez.
Only the best for me.
- Hey, what are you watching? - Thomas crown affair, the sub-par remake with that pretty boy Pierce Brosnan.
If you don't like it, why are you watching it? I don't know.
Because I am.
What's with the third degree? I don't I didn't mean You don't have to be so - Hi! - Hey, what's up, cap? Daley, you coming to our already legendary Everest party? I wouldn't be caught dead there.
I'm the enemy now, remember? Oh, of course.
I guess that means I hate you.
So, what's Omega chi doing for homecoming? - A Jack Johnson sing-a-long? - No.
Why? Who's asking? - Hey, what's up? - Hey, so listen I was, uh I was talking to spidey earlier and Yeah? He may have asked me to be his big brother.
Oh.
Wow.
Ok.
Pledges are an impressionable bunch, if you recall.
No, I get it.
Hey, it's not like I can blame him.
You're a pretty great big brother.
And I guess the big bro thing isn't meant for me.
Isn't this supposed to be "watching you?" Oh, this was for spidey.
You know what? Why are we letting Peter decide? He's a pledge.
We're actives.
- We decide stuff.
- I don't wanna force him.
The ceremony isn't until tomorrow.
Nothing's final yet.
That's true.
Maybe I can make Peter want me as his big brother.
Seduce him with your big-ness.
You know what I mean.
Knock, knock! Can I come in? As long as you're not here to say more mean things about hfath.
I said he must be good in bed.
What's up, Rebecca? I was wondering if you could ask your sex-machine boyfriend if he could not set Heather up with a guy tomorrow.
Oh, so, you're worried that heath is too dumb to pick a guy that's up to your standards.
Don't go all oversensitive gay on me.
I just think you and heath have an interesting dynamic.
You're smart, ambitious, and heath's the hottie on your arm.
I see.
Because you and Evan are so perfect, right? Despite the fact that last week, you told hee-ther to tell heath to tell me that you were taking cappie to pledge presents? No one's perfect, but we are equals.
Heath clearly needs you more than you need him.
You're the mount Everest to his bunny slope.
I've been going through some stuff lately.
Some personal and academic dilemmas.
- You name it, I got it.
- Wow, I'm surprised he hasn't dumped you by now.
What? No.
He doesn't even know about it.
Because you don't talk about that serious, deep stuff, right? We talk about deep stuff.
All the time.
Great, so during these profound explorations of self, could you ask him to ease up on the matchmaker business? Oh, I am so glad that we decided to do this.
Titan spirit is in the air! And I'm buying you a drink tonight as a thank you for being so great.
- No, you don't need to - No, it's fine.
We just have to order before the end of three-dollar happy hour.
- Um, can we have two beers please? - You got it.
Uh-oh.
Look who's here.
- Happy homecoming.
- Good to see you.
Hi.
Cappie.
Just putting up a poster for our big Everest party tomorrow.
- You gals should stop by.
- Oh, I have an alumni barbeque that night.
- But thanks.
- Yeah, 'cause we're alums, so How's the post-college job hunt treating you, ashleigh? Oh, it's treating me well.
I've got some jobs in my sights.
Following the scent on a few.
You know, I heard they're hiring a barback position here, if you're in need for some extra cash.
- She does need that.
- No, I'm focusing on a career right now.
Well, good luck.
I'm off to tend to my blowtorch.
You know, that barback thing didn't sound completely awful.
Ah, it's not really what I'm looking for.
And you're really gonna need that at some point.
Soon.
Like, now.
For an apartment.
You know what I need right now, case, is just some time.
But, hey, maybe I could go with you to that barbeque thing tomorrow? - There could be some alums there hiring.
- Yeah.
Sure.
Great.
Cheers! So, we're running down the street and then I hear this Omega chi start screaming, "hey! Who day-glowed that onto my swatch?!" Hey, isn't it a weird coincidence that 80s Omega chi sucked, too? Maybe the house is evil and turns them all into Brody Jenners.
Ooh, maybe there's a preppy ghost and he forces them to pop their collars and wear ugly ties.
Preppy ghost.
That's a good one, cap.
Yeah, and then the ghost tells them to vote republican.
Uh, ok, no more story time.
We don't wanna wear out poor Mr.
parkes.
No! Tell us a homecoming story.
Oh, well, I wouldn't even know where to begin.
There are very few pranks we left unexplored.
If you could go back to school, like Rodney dangerfield in that movie What was it called? I forget.
Anyway, what would you do? Uh the biggest thing nobody ever pulled off? Stealing the a&m goat before homecoming.
Every farmhand with an ounce of school pride guards that thing in shifts.
- It's impossible.
- Why haven't we ever tried to steal the goat, cap? You heard the man.
It's impossible.
Nothing's impossible.
So I'm thinking we start by casing the a&m agricultural building.
Then, we come back here and formulate the perfect goat-stealing plan.
- And then we steal the goat? - You learn fast, young padawan.
I forgot to put sunscreen on my face.
I'll be right back.
Hey, where you going with that backpack, spitter? One of your nerd classes meeting during homecoming again? Sure, if it's a class on goat stealing! Spidey and I are gonna go steal the a&m goat tonight.
- The impossible to steal a&m goat? - Not after we're done with it.
This is my chance to show Peter I can be a cool big brother.
Why can't you just buy him some porn and a lap dance and call it a day? Peter has brittle bones.
An aggressive lap dance could paralyze him for life.
Good point, but what if your plan fails and Peter is disappointed? Cap, you've given me the best two years of my life as big brother.
You made me who I am, someone I'm proud to be.
And I want to be that person for someone, and I think it could be Peter.
Fine.
Go.
I'll stay here and keep our benefactor happy.
- Good luck.
- You think we can pull it off, right? I hope that goat packed his bags.
Can we talk about something a little bit more serious? Yeah.
You know how sometimes people have another side to themselves, that they keep secret? Yeah, like super heroes.
Or Yeah, so the thing is, they don't want to really reveal the truth about themselves, because, well, because they kind of like how people view them in a certain way.
Beaver told you about me stripping at the Rio nightclub, didn't he? Stripping? As in, a stripper? - You? For money? - You didn't know? Then what were you talking about? Oh God, did Casey tell you about the whole test-paper selling thing? - What? - What the hell do you want to talk to me about? Stop talking.
I was gonna tell you that I don't have a major.
Really? Why'd you never tell me? Does it really matter now? Welcome, fellow titan alums! I'm just moseying around this little shindig, taking some donations.
So, can I get you to give back to CRU? - Oh, uh go titans.
- Go titans! Oh, I can smell the free buffet.
- Oh, there's Segal.
- He's handsome.
Ew.
And he's with Evan.
I have got to get over there.
Go network! You're gonna be great.
Hi, fellow titan alums.
I'm ashleigh Howard.
We were just talking about the big game tomorrow.
Ready to watch the titans whoop some a&m ass? Yeah! Hell, yeah! I love watching them throw around that lambskin.
So, what do you do Joe Lysacek? - I'm a dental surgeon.
- Oh, teeth.
Fun.
Well, I'm looking for work in marketing and trend forecasting.
Trend forecasting? In this economy? - Ouch.
- It's hard out there right now, huh? Uh, yeah, but I'm hanging in there.
I read that average starting salaries are down from last year.
- Uh-huh.
- The jobless rate amongst college graduates hanging just over 18 percent.
So many kids are just going to grad school.
Uh-huh, I heard that, too.
- I'm actually looking to hire someone.
- Really? Yeah.
I need a part-time nanny for my two boys.
Oh, wait.
Do you know cpr? That is one heavily-guarded goat.
I bet you and cappie pulled off cool pranks like this - when you were a freshman, huh? - A few, I guess.
So if cappie becomes my big bro, that'll make us - Half little bros, right? - Yeah, something like that.
I don't know.
You seem pretty set on cappie becoming your big bro.
Yeah, it'd be awesome.
We'll see.
What is it about that cappie guy that you want him so bad? - As opposed to the other brothers.
- He's just confident.
And he takes risks without worrying.
Pretty much the opposite of me in about a million ways.
- Rusty? - Dale? Go, go! Is this why you were acting all paranoid yesterday? No such thing as paranoia when you sleep with the enemy.
I knew you were trying to suss out my plan.
I was not trying to suss out anything.
We decided to steal the goat this morning.
Besides, I don't think the Bible would approve of you stealing thy neighbor's goat.
The Bible doesn't say zip about kidnapping thy neighbor's goat to psych out thy neighbor before a big game.
And I've had this planned for weeks.
My pledge bros jumped at the chance to help me make history.
- Do I look like Michelle Obama? - Well, you and your pledge bros - won't be making any history tonight, bro.
- Says who? - You and tiny Tim here? - Whoa! I once ran an eight-and-a-half minute mile! - In jeans! - So did my alcoholic aunt Trudy.
- And she didn't even remember it.
- Back off, Dale, all right? This goat has kt written all over it.
Just go home.
Sorry, Rus.
I got a plan so sweet, it'll give you a toothache.
We're going in there.
Now, if I were you, I'd leave now before you embarrass yourself.
- Seriously? Dude, seriously - All right? Oh, great.
I guess it was a long shot for us anyways, huh? - We're going in too.
- Without a plan? Shouldn't we call for reinforcements, like cappie? Pledge, there's no time! Are you in or out? I'm in.
And so I went! It was a cool summer experience.
- Dc is fun.
So much energy.
- It must've been inspiring - to see Paula Baker in action on the house floor.
- Hm.
- Talk about tenacious.
- Oh, it was.
And, she is.
I can't wait to get back to dc after law school.
You know, Professor, I was planning on going to DC, too, but after taking classes, I don't know, I think I might want to practice.
Well, I've been studying law half my life, and I still learn something new every day.
Although, the dead lawyer jokes do start to grate after a while.
I love the law, too.
I love the law so much I wanna make new laws.
I think politicians are more famous for breaking laws than making new ones.
Touché, Mr.
chambers.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, I'm all schmoozed-out, so it's time to raid the buffet.
Would you like me to get you anything? Oh, no, I'm good.
Professor, this is ashleigh Howard.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Ashleigh, this is Professor Segal.
I'm sorry you're not having any fun.
Yeah, that's ok.
Any chance you're looking to hire a trend forecaster? - Ah, I am a law Professor.
- The law has its trends, doesn't it? It certainly does.
Hi, titan alums! Would any of you like to donate to your Alma mater? No, not right now.
Thank you, though.
Oh, come on! Don't you want to give something to the school that gave you four great years? Well, I already gave four years of my life.
And what good did that do me? I might as well have gone to the Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
So, you know what? You can just give me that clipboard, because I should be the one asking you to donate money to me.
Go titans! Professor, wanna join me at the bar? - Yeah.
- Ok.
We should go hit up that buffet, huh? I don't get it.
What have I done wrong? - Why can't I find a job? - Well, you could've gotten one job.
Don't say dobler's.
It's a job that pays real money.
You were the one that made me want more for myself.
Why are you asking me to give it all up now? I'm not asking you to give anything up, I'm just asking you to be practical.
I don't know why I ever thought you'd understand how hard it is out there.
That is so not fair.
You know how hard I've had to fight to survive in law school.
Not to mention I'm the house mother to 50 girls.
I get it.
You're busy! Your life is full.
And my life is empty and pathetic.
- I never said that! - The minute you told me to wash dishes at dobler's, it was pretty clear what you thought.
Taking a job doesn't mean you have to stop pursuing a career.
I've been in school for 16 years and now I have nothing to show for it except maybe a chance to wash dishes in a bar? You have a path.
Three years of school, then you move to Washington.
I don't have one road with easy turns.
- All I have are forks! - Ok, well, that's just the way it is! Thousands of people graduated in may, and none of us are owed anything.
You have to think short-term as well as long.
Oh, I think about it, trust me.
Every time I get rejected from yet another job, I think about it.
Really? Because it seems more like you're wasting your time, stuck on some post-grad fairy tale that's not happening right now! Oh, yes, please teach me about fairy tales and reality.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Cappie.
I'm not even with cappie! I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.
How much more time are you gonna waste on that stupid fairy tale? I can't believe I wasted my time trying to help you.
Well, I'm freeing you of your obligation.
Go! Everest! I'm impressed.
We never could've pulled off a party like this in my day.
Darn.
I was hoping for another one of your wild stories from your lost youth.
When I was your age, I would've thought a guy like me - was a total douchebag.
- Never crossed my mind.
You probably think every office is like a dilbert cartoon.
I have a recurring nightmare where I'm at a computer typing really fast, with drool running down my face.
I've had the same nightmare.
So, when I graduated, I promised myself that I would make the campus of Lasker Parkes incorporated - a lot like kt.
- You have a campus? Yeah.
It's on our own lake, amongst the evergreens.
Baseball diamond, basketball courts, foosball, ping pong, video games.
Wait, wait, wait.
They let you call that work? Creative people need to relax, recharge throughout the day.
So no drooling.
Unless of course you're getting a massage.
- That sounds like a fairy tale.
- But it works.
We create technology to fuel scientific progress, we're hired by biotech firms, we're constantly challenging ourselves.
- Last year, I climbed Everest.
- The actual Mountain? Yeah.
But, hey, you did a really good job replicating this.
I saw the imax movie.
But, if you could be off climbing real mountains, what are you doing here staring at a fake one? I just wanna make sure my son is having a good time.
- And he is.
- Well, he's a good kid.
Thanks.
He's got kt in his blood.
Here, here.
Something classy for the luge? You should probably head to the party without us.
We're still waiting on a few girls.
I was hoping to get some scantily-clad ZBZ cover so I wouldn't have to run into heath right away.
Things have been a little bit awkward since he told me - he takes his clothes off for money.
- Heath's a stripper? Hot! I don't know.
Maybe you're right about us.
I'm just not sure I wanna give up on another relationship.
I'm sorry, Cal.
I can't help but feel partly responsible.
- You're completely responsible.
- Vodka? Case! What happened to your alumni thing? Stupid ashleigh happened.
Why do you have a bottle of vodka? I confiscated it.
Just helping out my house mom.
Want some? You look like you need a drink.
Now, what happened with ashleigh? I go out of my way to be a good friend, and she has the gall to attack me about my life! That's awful! She said that I think her life is pathetic, which wasn't true, but it is now! And that my life is so easy, and I'm living this fairy tale ugh! She wasn't even making any sense! She rarely does.
More? I am supposed to be the house mother.
I'm supposed to be taking care of you.
We're fine, case.
Relax.
Let me help you for a change.
More? Maybe Ash is right.
Maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
Life was so much easier when all your decisions were made for you.
I know what you mean.
Sometimes I wish I was still a pledge.
I was young.
Carefree.
I'd go out and use my hot body as a weapon.
Yeah, because so much has changed.
Hey, it's homecoming, and I'm having fun.
Don't you deserve to have fun, too? Yeah.
I do deserve to have fun! But right now, I deserve to Go to the bathroom.
I have to pee.
House mom's been neutralized.
Let's roll.
We're surrounded by a bunch of farmhands who can bench press each other.
- What are we doing? - You're going right through that door where the goat is.
- No, what? - Yes.
Go stand over there.
All right.
Uh, can I get everyone's attention, please? Yeah.
Cyprus-rhodes football rules! Get him! This way! Let's go! - No! - Shh! Shush! - Hey, how did you get in? - I lost 'em.
Now let's do this before they realize we're here.
Oh, no.
Omega chi got here first.
We took the goat.
Good luck at the game.
CRU.
Settle, bitch.
Save some for the rest of us.
- Heather's the belle of the ball.
- You must be so proud.
Cal.
Ooh, right.
See ya! Look, I know you're still probably freaking out about the whole stripper, - test-seller thing.
- A little bit.
I'm sorry, I just didn't know how to react.
I get it.
I should've told you.
I was just afraid you'd break up with me if you found out about it.
Are you gonna break up with me? - I don't want to, heath.
- Then, don't.
Look, I know you're this smart, amazing, together guy, and I'm me, the guy who likes twilight and the berenstain bear books.
But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy being together, right? You know, I'm not as together as you think I am.
The reason I didn't tell you I didn't have a major was because I was embarrassed.
I didn't want you to think I was a loser.
I could never think that about you.
And for the record, I think you're a great guy.
Then let's both be honest, about it all.
The good, the bad I love you.
I love you, too.
Wow, this honesty thing is awesome! Yeah, I love my big, gay, test-selling, ex-stripper boyfriend.
And I love my boyfriend with no major.
Yeah, mine's much worse.
- How the hell did Dale do it? - Have I ever told you about my irrational fear of baby cows? You mean calves? Dale must've had help.
You think he had an inside man? Rusty, they're gone.
Let's just leave before we get caught.
You're right.
And you're right to want cappie as a big brother.
When I was a freshman, cappie gave men amazing college experience.
You deserve that, too.
You deserve the original, not the second-rate The remake.
The Thomas crown affair.
The one with Pierce Brosnan? I kinda like that movie.
Yeah, Dale was watching that earlier.
Pierce Brosnan got the painting out of the museum By hiding it in plain sight.
Jackpot.
Ok, it's ok! It's ok.
Come on.
Come on! Out of the way, out of the way.
- Right out this door.
- Hey! - Hey, that's our goat! - Hey, that's our goat! Get the goat! Get 'em! If you add up all my CRU tuition money, you actually owe me, like, thousands of gin and tonics.
All right.
- Whoa! Sorry.
- Oh! Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
That was my totally my fault.
- It's all right.
- Oh, you're Casey's scary Professor.
- Scary? - I mean scary smart.
Ok.
Um Well Whatever happened to miss Cartwright? Um, well, we kind of got in a fight.
She wants me to take this crappy job and face my reality, or whatever.
You know, when I left college back in 1990, - I was in construction.
- Oh, really? - I was two.
- You work construction, too? No.
I was two years old.
Right.
Anyway, it was a tough time for me.
I'd invested in this big education, so why was I shoveling cement? - So, why were you? - Survival.
People who can survive are ready when obstacles come their way.
Like my father said, "never look down into the chasm.
Keep your eyes on the horizon.
" He also said, "never leave a party before the bartender.
" Can I buy you a drink? Yeah, I would love one.
- Professor.
- Call me Simon.
Ok.
Simon.
Thanks.
Hey, you seen cappie? Where's cappie? - Oh, cap! - Yo! Well? Really? Oh! - Oh, my - Wow.
Can I have everyone's attention, please? I am proud to announce that our very own spitter and pledge spidey have successfully stolen the a&m goat! - So? What do you think? - Not bad, kiddo.
So now that we have our pledge back, it's time for the kt big brother ceremony! For his big brother, pledge spidey has chosen Rusty Cartwright.
- Was this because of the goat? - No.
Cappie's cool, but you're cool, and a nerd.
You're the - The amalgam? - Yes! - Like I hope to be some day.
- Ah, man, that's cool.
I won't let you down.
You're well on your way, pledge.
- All right.
- Let's go find that ice luge.
Let's get belligerent.
Hey, Casey.
Looking for cappie? No, I'm looking for this.
Ooh - Hey, someone turn the music back on! - Wow.
Gettinthis, man? They're gonna be so mad.
What's up? Suck on this, a&m! I'm sending this to collegepartymonster.
org.
Oh, that's a good one.
I love your mouth right now! I really need a boyfriend, asap.
I already have one, so why am I here? I'm not this person anymore.
I'm gonna go see my awesome boyfriend.
I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep.
Wow! That doesn't go down like it used to.
Oh, you're doing fine.
Wow - How do you do it, anyway? - What? How does a middle-aged man drink really cheap Tequila without dying? No, how do you exist in the real world without Yes, dying, inside.
Metaphorically speaking.
Cappie, the real world is just a place with people in it.
It's not out to get you.
You're smart, you know who you are.
So have a little faith in yourself, ok? Here is my card.
Whenever you do leave this backyard, it'd be good to have a friend.
Think of me as your real world big brother.
Casey? - What are you doing here? - I'm having fun.
What's it look like, slappy? - Maybe you're having too much fun.
- I deserve this.
Even Rebecca agrees.
Now, where's the keg? Ok, no more kegs.
Let me take you home.
Come on.
- Oh, come on.
- No, no.
Come on.
Oh, fine.
Wow, I cannot believe you wasted that outfit on a kt party.
How was it? - Heather did not disappoint.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I missed my boyfriend.
- I missed my girlfriend.
- How was your night? - It was incredible.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
Segal and I bro'd out like crazy.
He even introduced me to an Ohio state supreme court judge.
I felt like a real lawyer the whole night.
Hm.
Maybe we can play a little lawyer interrogating his witness.
Uh, not tonight, babe.
I'm just so exhausted.
You mind if we just go to bed? Ash? I thought of another thing! - Ok, whoa, whoa.
Come on.
- Whoa.
She's not here.
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
There we go.
Wait.
Wh? - We can't.
We're drunk.
- Shh What are we doing? What is this? It's a fairy tale.