Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s04e05 Episode Script

Don't worry, Princess! We're coming! - lolaus, you all right? - Yeah.
- I got a couple of moves I can show him.
- I want blood.
Ooh.
Wow.
What did you do to him? I don't know, but it was really good.
- He's dead.
- Then he died of fright, 'cause I didn't touch him.
Ares, did you do this? Me, kill one of my most devoted disciples? I had serious plans for Gravus.
And now, his murderer is gonna join him in the Underworld! What is happening? Well, Hercules is fighting Ares.
Over me? No, over me.
You see, that's why I can see him and you can't.
You see, what happened- Look out! Uh-oh.
I thought you said this was over! What is it? I think I was better off before you two rescued me.
Good-bye.
Stop! Wait! There he is! Get him! Get him! Hercules! Hercules! Did you lose your little buddy? Well, I found someone to take his place.
Wait! Would ya- Come on! Wait! What are ya- What is this? Come on! Is that you? Hercules? Uh, nice disguise.
It almost allowed you to escape from me.
Huh? Too bad it didn't work.
Yeah.
This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Ares, let him go.
He's all yours, brother.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
You're all right.
Oh, thanks.
It's like somebody had me by the scruff of the neck, and then I turn around, there's nobody there! You! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
Uh, uh- you hear the one about the two Egyptians and the drunken mummy? What? No jokes today.
Okay.
Gimme some room.
Gimme some room.
Hah! Look, I don't know who you are or what you're doing, but we have to talk.
- Where did you come from? - Uh, I got my start at the Comedy Cave in Hellespont.
I know, it's a dive, but, uh, you gotta start somewhere, right? He starts to mime, he's a dead man.
Ares- Hey! You guys in the clown suits! Let me out of here! I wanna talk to Hercules! Quiet! When the sovereign wants to see you, he'll call your numeral.
What is this place? What's happening? I am not a numeral! I'm a free man! Ares, do you have any idea what's going on here? I hate to admit it, but I'm as much in the dark as you are.
Annoying, isn't he? Oh, yeah.
Yoo-hoo! Geronimo! Woo-hoo! You gotta hand it to sis.
She really knows how to make an entrance.
Now, that's a rush and a half! I was hoping it'd cheer me up, but no such luck.
There's a big problem.
Zeus is dying.
Hey, knuckleheads.
Want to hear a good one? That's right.
Yeah.
Come closer.
This is really gonna knock you out.
And the tooth shall set me free.
Zeus is dying, the lightning bolts, and this gateway opening up.
That's no coincidence.
He barely had the strength to break it up between you two.
You go tell Zeus, if I'm gonna help him, he's gotta help me find lolaus.
I'll go too.
I wanna get to the bottom of this.
If something where- he came from is killing the old man, I might be next.
Herc, I know things have never been exactly copacetic between you two, but maybe you oughta think about paying him a visit.
Well, we have had our problems, but I always thought there'd be time to work things out.
Tell Zeus that I'll do what I can.
Hi.
Oh, please, please, make it fast and painless! I mean, I know I got a little pain coming, but please, make it fast! Come on, come on.
Get up, get up.
Don't you understand? This is not where you came from.
I'm not who you think I am.
Oh, I get it! I should be happy because I've escaped from that monster! What monster? Who were you running from? You.
Me? Oh, you! Just the guy I was looking for! Hercules, what is going on? You, uh, said that name before.
Hercules.
My mother called me that.
You see, this is good! Go with this! Think of Alcmene.
Alcmene? She abandoned me! Okay.
Uh, you know, something tells me you're not the guy I was looking for.
Oh, my goodness.
Where has the day gone? I better be going.
Yaah! Getting cold feet, are we? Uh - Well, think how I must feel on my wedding day! Ah, I'm lucky to have you as a best man! Come on! Oh, come on.
Me, a tyrant? You're joking, right? No, no.
You're-You're a heartless psycho that'd kill at the drop of a mood swing! Really? Mmm.
Look! Need I say more? Oh, uh, nobody killed him.
He just keeled over.
You're just in time for the unveiling of my newest exhibition.
That's sick.
Inspired, isn't it? The leader of the rebels who are plotting against me, gutted and stuffed for all to see.
- Wait a minute.
- I know this guy! You do? Yeah.
Only, the last time I saw him, the sovereign had him- Did this happen before you came through the gateway? Mmm.
Then that explains how Gravus died.
There must be one of everybody on both worlds, and when one dies- The other one dies at the same time.
That has to be it.
Ah, we could stay here and admire this all day.
But we've got a wedding to get to.
Let's go.
But I keep telling you, I switched places with your lolaus.
I'm not the guy that's supposed to be here.
You always make me laugh.
There'll be a place for you in Olympus after I'm hitched to the queen of the gods.
You're marrying Hera? The Goddess of Music? Don't be ridiculous.
You know very well I'm marrying Aphrodite.
Aphrodite's queen.
Okay.
But wait! But doesn't that mean Aphrodite's married already? I mean, Zeus is still king of the gods, isn't he? Of course, Zeus is king! Why are you asking these idiotic questions? Start acting like yourself and start amusing me, or I swear- Sovereign! The queen wishes an audience.
Aah! Very well! Show her in.
She could just pop in, but she likes to make an entrance.
Great.
Aphrodite's my buddy.
She'll help me get out of this nuthouse.
Aphrodite? You're all covered up! Ooh! Watch your mouth.
That's my blushing bride.
He has a point.
It wouldn't kill you to let it all hang out.
Please, no.
It's not ladylike.
Aphrodite's shy.
Wow.
My dear, it gets so empty with you gone to Olympus.
How is Father? I'm afraid you know all too well! Zeus is dying.
Zeus is dying? Unbelievable.
I've come to ask that you call off this farce of a wedding before it's too late.
You mean, too late for your precious Zeus.
Have you forgotten our pact? Marry me, and I'll provide the cure for the poison that's killing him.
Then I'll get to work slaughtering every last puny mortal who opposes me and leave the world to my worshippers, while we reign as King and Queen of Olympus for eternity.
You're a goddess! Why don't you stand up to him? Because she knows better! As should you.
I may be a cur, but I'm the cur with the cure.
I like that.
Now, go.
You have a wedding to prepare for.
And then we're off to Olympus to launch my plan.
I have waited long enough.
And by the way, I'm looking forward to the honeymoon.
You are insane! Oh, thank you.
Imagine, a bastard like me reigning supreme as king of the gods.
It's not gonna be as long as you think.
You're not gonna punish me, are you? You wish.
Xena? You're with him? When I want a eunuch, I'll ask for you.
I see you brought a new love toy.
Oh, Sov, you're so- you're so good when you're bad.
Ow! Oh, I could play like this all day.
Unfortunately, I gotta get married.
Oh, that's all right.
We'll have plenty of time to play after the honeymoon.
Whoo! Don't ever let her change you.
If she has her way, you'll be wearing a maid's outfit and a collar.
Sounds more like your style, not Aphrodite's.
Their foreplay's gonna get me killed! Okay.
Enough for now.
Ah! Oh, I almost forgot.
I need a token of my undying love to present Aphrodite at the wedding.
Not that one.
It's my favorite.
This will do.
Here! Sit on it till the wedding! You're not gonna forget me when you're married to her, are you? Don't worry.
You'll be riding my coattails straight into Olympus, like you planned all along, right? Little old me? Ahh! She's quite a doll, isn't she? There's a world of scheming going on behind those baby blues.
If you mean, where would your plan be without my secret stash of hind blood, then- I guess you do kinda need me.
Oh, but - Wait! Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight! Go make yourself useful! Throw me a bachelor party or something.
Whoa, baby.
You are gonna scream now.
Hey.
Not so fast.
Ares.
Ares, this is, uh, a new look for you.
What did you expect? I am the God of Love.
That's better.
Now it's a love thing.
I got a favor to ask.
Poor sis is being bullied into marrying the sovereign.
All of Olympus is helpless as long as Xena keeps him supplied with hind's blood.
Now, if you could keep close tabs, maybe find out where she's hiding it- Look, I'll do what I can.
But you have to understand, I'm not the lolaus you think I am.
We switched places.
I'm from another world.
And you know? It'd really help if you stood up to the sovereign yourself sometime.
Oh, it is times like this I regret the fact that I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Okay.
Look, if the Hercules here is the same as the Hercules back there, then he can't be all bad.
I'll just have to appeal to that part of him that's hidden deep inside.
I'll be forever grateful.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Who's the God of War around here? Shh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't even think about him.
The last thing we need around here is that maniac Cupid showing up.
Cupid, God of War.
Weird.
Then I was looking behind me, and I could see these horses, and they were catching up, and then I felt like someone grabbed me by the neck, and then I was here.
- Well? - He's worse.
I tried feeding him ambrosia broth.
He could barely keep it down.
Ares, you and I are gonna have to give Zeus a good, swift kick.
- Meaning? - Talking to Ares, huh? Saying a little prayer to the God of Love? Me, the God of Love? Hi, there.
Name's Aphrodite, and the, uh, walking bad attitude is Ares.
Ares! Ugh.
What's with the basic black? Last time I saw you, you were convening the summer of love.
- Insolent toad! That's enough, Ares.
You want a fight, I'm your man.
You wanna have at it again? Why? What are you up to? Well, a little divine intervention.
Like getting Zeus to throw another lightning fit and reopen the gateway.
Yep.
Ordinarily, I'd jump at a chance like this, but, uh, the prospect of Zeus dying is not something I'd considered.
Maybe it's time for the old man to step aside for some new blood, huh? - And I wonder who that would be.
- Who better? Ares, he's your father.
He always liked you two better than me! I'm outta here.
Ares, the God of Love.
Weird.
Where's my food taster? Um, Sovereign? I'd really like to have a word.
Later.
I have to make an announcement first.
Today is my wedding day.
To celebrate, I've decided to reduce the prison population by clearing a few cells.
- Praise you, Sovereign.
- You're setting them free! Way to go! This is good.
Who said anything about "free"? Move along! Let's go! Move along! Come on! Release the executioner.
Stand back! Give him room! Wait! You can't do this! There's gotta be a better way to get your kicks.
Today, of all days.
You are supposed to amuse me.
You haven't been doing a very good job.
Ah.
Well, hey.
Give me half a chance.
I'm a million laughs! You ain't seen nothin' yet! Oh, very well.
Make me laugh, and I'll spare their miserable lives.
dd The sovereign is his name His game is fear and pain dd dd He'll watch 'em die Won't even cry He really is insane dd Pitiful, pitiful.
He's really very funny! Oh, come on, Sovereign, give it up! The poor guy's pouring his heart out here.
I've seen funnier.
This really ain't magic.
They call me Herc's sidekick.
dd If this don't work I'll be a wreck, and dd - And we'll all lose our necks? - Hey, that's great! Amazing.
Shecansmile without cracking that frigid little face.
- One of these days, I'd like to crack something of yours.
- Ooh.
dd His girlfriend Xena's crass A heartless witch, no class dd dd If Zeus were well, he'd cast spell and knock her on her ddd Oh, boy.
Tough crowd.
Tough crowd.
Enough! You have failed.
Let their deaths be on your head.
Stop! Please! Think about it.
The Hercules I know, he's not a monster.
He's a hero.
Come on.
Listen to your heart.
My-My heart.
Now,thatis funny.
- You did it.
You really did it.
What is this? You promised me an execution.
I did, didn't I? You said you'd spare them! Oops.
You could use an attitude adjustment.
Lock him up.
No! Come on, Herc! You can't do this to me! Go ahead.
Make him laugh.
You? What are you doing- Shut up, scum.
Joxer.
You pack a heck of a punch in this world.
Yeah, get him and rip his face off.
I'm gonna enjoy tearing the sovereign's bootlicker apart limb by limb.
When you're ready to apologize to the sovereign, give a yell.
Till then, enjoy your new friends.
Yeah, they're gone.
All clear.
Sorry, lolaus.
I had to make it look real.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
That was very good.
If they thought you were with us, you'd be dead now.
You know, uh, when Gravus got killed and you ran away? We were afraid you'd never come back again.
You're the rebels the sovereign was talking about.
That's right.
Here.
You can use this.
What for? To cut the cake? Quit joking.
If you're gonna assassinate the sovereign, you better start taking this seriously.
Me? An assassin? Forget it! It all depends on you.
You're the only he trusts.
You're the only one he can get close enough to.
Now, look.
He's gonna be at his most vulnerable when he says his wedding vows.
And that's gonna be your best and last chance.
Joxer, there's gotta be another way.
I mean, you're talking about killing a man in cold blood.
It's not a man.
It's the sovereign.
It's the most bloodthirsty monster in this world or on Olympus.
lolaus, you're our only hope.
It's gotta be done.
Maybe if I got a second chance, I could be more like your friend.
More man than mouse.
Whatever destiny you were fated for, it looks like lolaus has stepped into your shoes.
The shoes of an assassin.
Oh, I'm such a spineless coward.
I ran away from the only brave thing anybody's ever asked me to do.
He's killing Zeus! And then after that, it'll be the rest of the world- all except his followers, who go together to make his great master race.
Oh, it just hit me.
When the sovereign killed Gravus, he died here, which means- If the sovereign is killed, I may die at the same time.
Yeah, I know.
I've thought of that already.
Come on.
Zeus isn't the only one who needs a good, swift kick.
Herc, is this the time for a temper tantrum? It is if it gets Ares' attention.
Ares, you fake! You're a coward! Yeah! Yeah! Come on, Ares! Get down here! I'm calling you out, Ares! Yeah! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Ares, this whole basic black thing is like, so five minutes ago.
Well, have you made up your mind? This won't mean anything to you, but where I come from, your sovereign is- is the best man I know.
And don't tell me the stakes.
I know what they are- genocide, the end of the world as we know it- both our worlds.
And it's not as if I haven't taken a life before.
It's just, it's always been in self-defense.
Never in- Never in cold blood.
Whatever we've become, it's what the sovereign made us.
But if we've become as cold-blooded as him, then so be it.
Yeah, it's really simple, isn't it? Yeah.
In order to save the world, I've got to kill my best friend and all the future good he would have done.
In your heart, you know it's the only way.
What would Hercules say if he was here? He'd tell me to- to do what's best for the greater good.
Okay.
I'll do it.
Guards! I'm ready to apologize.
Take me to the sovereign.
All right! That's enough! Ah! I'm just gettin' started! He's really mad! Look! He's got smoke coming out of his ears.
Ares, don't wig out on us.
That's it, pretty boy! Let's step outside! Glad you could make it.
I'd hate to disappoint you.
Mmm.
dddd You look lovely in virginal black.
About old Zeus - is it true that he throws those thunderbolts 'cause they're the only thing about him big and stiff? Well, is it? It is my sad duty to join this man and this woman in unholy matrimony.
If anyone present objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Please, someone.
Speak.
Nope.
Nobody objects.
- Get on with it.
- Do you have the necklace? - You're on, fool.
- Oh.
Thank you.
My bride.
We are going to rule supreme, you and I, with all Olympus at our feet, all mankind at our mercy.
It's so beautiful.
I now regretfully pronounce you king and queen.
Ugh! Oh, go ahead.
Fight me.
I'll enjoy it.
Forgive me, Hercules.
I didn't think you had it in you, old friend.
Fun's over.
Thanks! It worked! I helped him? I'm sorry.
Did that hurt? No, but that did.
Get up there! That crowd's in an ugly mood! Yes, sir! Hurry! - What's happening? - Somebody was foolish enough to try and kill the sovereign.
Now he's paying the price.
It's a diversion.
Look, make me a deal, and I'll- I'll finger the real assassin.
If you know something, you'll spill it, or I'll- Okay, okay.
It's, um- It's- Let's go! Come on! Aah! I am very disappointed in you.
Hey.
Aah! Get off of me, you witch! Get out of here! I noticed before - you're awfully fond of that pendant.
Well, a girl's nothing without her baubles.
The Xena I know is a lot smarter than that.
My guess - you are too! Gimme, gimme.
Yeah.
Like I thought.
This is the hind's blood you're using to poison Zeus with.
He's got the hind's blood! Get him! Quick! They've lost their secret weapon! Show them your stuff! With pleasure.
I'll get you, little goddess! Eat cake, baby! Why, I oughta- Empty calories are no calories! Release the executioner! Yeah! Chill out.
Where's that Trojan elephant that stopped me? Good-bye.
Hercules did it.
I gotta go.
We'll take it from here.
Go with the gods.
Guys, I think we should talk.
Guess I had more skills than I thought.
I don't know if I can be a hero when I get back! But I'm gonna try! That's all any of us can do! Good luck, my friend! Thanks! No! Ha-ha! Run, lolaus! No.
No-o-o! Hercules, you have no idea how close it was.
He has a pendant full of hind blood.
Hind blood? Well, hopefully he's trapped between both worlds now.
Guess we better go see how Dad's doing.
Good to have you back, curly.
How I hate happy endings.
You know, I almost did a terrible thing over there.
You did what you had to do, lolaus.
I'm just glad it didn't work out like you planned.
So, do you think I look better with a beard or without a beard? Ah.