Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e05 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold!
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
SIMMONS:
And the fourth place prize
in our fight for
peace charity raffle
goes to Marcy Cornbloom.
(CHEERING)
Free dry cleaning for a month
from Dirty-no-more
dry cleaners.
Wow, Lila, you have
so many hobbies.
I'm learning
oh-so much about opera,
and also fine art,
but I must confess,
I'm especially fond of ballet.
Ballet?
Why, yes, Arnold.
I've been taking lessons
for two years now.
I enjoy it so much that, well,
I suppose you could say I've
practically fallen in love.
That's great, Lila.
I hope one day, if I
practice hard enough,
perhaps I'll become
a famous ballerina.
Wow, Lila. Ballet and opera,
you're so sophisticated.
I'm really impressed.
(SCOFFS) What does he
see in her? All she is,
is pretty, smart,
funny and the nicest girl
in school. Big deal.
And now he's all impressed
because she's sophisticated.
Anybody can be sophisticated.
I can be sophisticated.
If Arnold wants sophisticated,
then I'll show
him sophisticated.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
All I gotta do is
come up with a plan.
Hi, Helga. Want to see
my cockroach collection?
I have 27 classifications.
No, I do not want to see
your cockroaches, Nadine.
Now, beat it!
And the third prize winner
is Helga Pataki.
It's a coupon
for a free dinner
for four at Chez Peirre.
Congratulations, Helga.
Thanks.
Dinner for four
in some fancy-shmancy
French joint.
Just what I need. (SCOFFS)
Wait a minute.
This is just what I need.
It's the perfect way
to impress Arnold,
and make him think
I'm sophisticated.
I'll get him and a couple of
carefully picked stooges
to come with me.
I'll order all the right food,
make witty chit-chat
with the waiter,
and then, I'll pick up
the check and look like
a real sport.
Arnold will think I'm the most
sophisticated person
he's ever met.
Even more sophisticated
than Lila.
(SLIGHT CHUCKLE) Yeah,
what a great plan.
Now, all I have to do is
find a way to invite Arnold
without actually having to
invite him myself.
Phoebe, you're coming
to dinner with me
on Saturday night.
Five o'clock at a fancy
French restaurant.
I am?
And you're gonna
invite Gerald,
and then, ask Gerald
to invite a friend, see?
So, just you, me, Helga,
and whoever you'd like
to invite to come along,
like, say your best friend?
I'm gonna order some of that
old moldy runny cheese
those French people
like so much.
Why would you want to eat
old moldy runny cheese?
Man, I'm not gonna eat it,
I just want to look at it.
All right, I'll go.
But it's weird.
I just can't see Helga
in a fancy restaurant.
I mean, she's just never
seemed that sophisticated.
Now Lila is
really sophisticated.
Oh, yeah? I'll show you
sophisticated, bucko!
(GROANS)
FRENCH MAN: Do not be
intimidated by cutlery.
Forks on the left,
knives on the right.
Spoons on the right
to the right of the knives.
Uh, salad fork, dinner fork,
butter knife, steak knife.
FRENCH MAN:
And remember to
laugh engagingly.
(SNOBBISH LAUGH)
(MIMICS SNOBBISH LAUGH)
Snap your linen napkin
before placing it in your lap.
Then, turn casually
to your dining companions
and say
"Lovely little bistro,
n'est-ce pas?"
Lovely little bistro,
n'est-ce pas?
FRENCH MAN:
Very good. Now you are
becoming sophisticated.
(CHUCKLES) This fancy stuff's
a piece of cake.
Just wait until
Saturday night.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, that's droll.
That's just ever so droll.
(CHUCKLES)
Henry, merci.
The pate de foie gras
was excellent as usual.
Merci, mademoiselle.
And, of course, dinner's
on me tonight, naturellement.
Helga, I dare say,
you're so witty
and sophisticated.
I must say I
Well, frankly, I've fallen
madly in love with you.
And I, you.
(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
It's gonna be perfect.
JACQUES: Ah,
oui, mademoiselle,
your table is ready.
Merci.
Um, the whole menu's
in French. Do you think
they have an English version?
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Oh, Arnold, you're so droll.
Just ever so droll.
I am?
I guess you're not used to
sophisticated dining
like I am.
Why don't I order
for all of us?
Garcon!
Ah, oui, mademoiselle.
Oh, there you are.
I am Jacques, your waiter.
How may I serve you tonight?
Jacques, we'll start
with the Escargot
and pate de foie gras.
Vichyssoise, of course.
Of course.
Two orders of Coq au vin,
Bouef Bourguignon,
Duck a l'orange.
And some of that old
smelly runny cheese
all you French people
seem to like so much.
Yes.
And, of course,
Pyrenees spring water
for the table.
Excellent, mademoiselle.
Lovely little bistro,
n'est-ce pas?
(SNIFFS) Ah! Smell it, Arnold.
I don't want to.
Come on, Arnold. Smell it.
Smell the cheese.
(SIGHS AND SNIFFS) Ugh!
And you just smelled it.
These French people
actually eat the stuff.
(SNIFFS)
Oh, Phoebe,
what are you doing?
You've confused
your butter knife
for your steak knife.
Here, this is
the proper knife to use.
(CHUCKLES) Arnold,
you're staring.
What's the matter?
Nothing. It's just that I've
never seen you like this.
Like what?
Like so So different. So
Sophisticated?
Well, yeah.
(CHUCKLES) I've always
been sophisticated.
You probably
just never noticed.
I go to fancy restaurants,
and the ballet,
and opera, and junk
like that all the time.
Well, I guess maybe
I didn't notice.
But now that I know
how sophisticated
you are, I
Yes, Arnold?
I'd have to say
that, well, that
Well, that I'm impressed.
You're impressed?
(CHUCKLES)
And, of course,
dinner's on me
tonight, naturellement.
Chez Peirre.
Chez Paris? (GASPS)
Helga, is something wrong?
Phoebe, can I see you
for a moment
in the powder room?
The wrong restaurant?
Well, Helga, I suppose
the best thing to do
would be to
tell the management
the truth.
That is the stupidest idea
I have ever heard
in my entire life!
No, Phoebe. We've got to
come up with a plan
to get out of paying.
But, Helga
I just need some
time to think.
I know. We'll stall.
We'll order more food,
lots more food.
But isn't that just
exacerbating the problem?
A couple of orders
of Cervelle braisee a brule,
four chocolate mousses,
and bring some more
pate de foie grais.
Of course, mademoiselle.
You have big appetite tonight.
You got it, Jacques.
Helga, I'm really full.
I don't think I could
eat another bite.
You'll eat it
and like it, Arnold.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Nadine, it's Helga.
I need a favor.
I want you to bring
one of your cockroaches
to Chez Paris
and him loose
in the restaurant.
I don't care
what classification
of cockroach.
Just the biggest, hairiest,
ugliest one you've got
and let him loose.
(CHUCKLES) Excellent.
Our problems are over.
Madamoiselle, I am
beginning to suspect
that you don't have
any money to pay the bill,
and that you are
attempting to get out
of paying for your meal.
Don't have any money?
That is ridiculous!
How dare you?
Don't you know who I am?
I'm Helga Van Buuren,
granddaughter of
Helmet Van Buuren,
the richest man in the city.
I am terribly sorry.
I did not know.
Oh, well,
now you know,
don't you?
Please, allow me
to bring a beautiful
chocolate mousse cake
as a token
of my sincerest apology.
What was that about?
Yeah, and who's
Helga Van Buuren?
Oh, just a name I use
so I could get
the very best table.
When you're as
sophisticated as I am,
that's the kind of
thing you do.
If I eat one more bite,
I swear I'm blowing chunks.
Where in the heck is Nadine?
Mademoiselle , I just
had an interesting
phone conversation.
Mr. Helmet Van Buuren called
to make a reservation
for tomorrow night,
and when I mentioned
that we had the pleasure
of serving his granddaughter
here tonight,
he informed me
that was impossible.
Apparently, Mr. Van Buuren's
only granddaughter
is in Switzerland on holiday.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Oh, well, what do you
know about that.
Helga, what's going on?
I'm afraid,
under the circumstances,
I had no choice
but to call the authorities.
(NERVOUSLY) Oh. Authorities?
Well, there's clearly
no need for that.
Too late.
What's the problem here?
JACQUES: This young lady
has ordered a very large
dinner for four
and she refuses
to pay the bill.
(YELPS)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING IN PANIC)
This place is
full of cockroaches,
I'm gonna have to
shut you down.
Miss, if I were you,
I'd refuse to pay the bill.
Whatever you say, Officer.
Sorry, I was late, Helga.
I didn't know
which classification
of cockroach
you wanted me to bring.
Wait a minute, Helga.
Did you get Nadine
to let her cockroaches
loose in the restaurant,
so you wouldn't have to pay?
Okay, yeah, I did.
So what's the big deal?
The big deal is you snuck out
of paying for dinner
and you got the restaurant
closed down for no reason.
What's your point?
Helga,
I think we should go
back in there
and you should tell
him the truth.
Arnold's right, Helga.
Ugh, look,
I am not gonna go in there
and tell them the truth
and wind up washing dishes.
I can't believe
I told them the truth
and I wound up washing dishes.
Come on. Don't you feel better
that you did the right thing?
No. Not really.
I think you do.
No, I don't, Arnold.
No, Helga,
I think what you did
is pretty sophisticated.
Really?
Yeah.
(GASPS)
Oh, just shut up and rinse.
(HELGA EXCLAIMING
EXCITEDLY INTERNALLY)
Class, please join me
in congratulating Phoebe
for her outstanding commentary
on genetic engineering
entitled "Cloning:
Why two heads
are better than one."
An A plus.
Thoroughly researched
piece of work, Phoebe.
Thank you.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Come on, Pheebs,
get the lead out.
Oh, hurrying.
Actually, Pheobe,
if you have a moment
I'd like to have
a private word with you.
(SIGHS) All right.
But make it snappy.
We've got
important stuff to do.
Right, Helga. I'll meet you
at the video arcade
in ten minutes.
Make it five.
And don't forget the quarters.
You see, Phoebe, a review
of your scholastic records
has revealed
that you are no longer being
academically challenged
by the current
fourth grade curriculum.
I'm not?
No,
Pheobe, in fact,
because of your
exceptionally high grades
it has been recommended
that you consider a promotion
to the sixth grade.
The sixth grade?
Yeah. I realize that skipping
two grades is highly unusual,
but it would be
on a trial basis only.
And, of course, you'll need
your parents' permission.
It sounds like
a very interesting
proposition, Mr. Simmons.
Of course, I'll need
some time to think it over.
I get to go
to the sixth grade!
I get to go
to the sixth grade!
(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)
I get to be surrounded
by the greatest minds
of PS 118.
Oh, I can't wait
to tell Helga.
The sixth grade?
You're leaving?
Not leaving. Just moving on
to a new classroom.
Where I'll face fresh
academic challenges.
Just think about it, Phoebe.
You in the sixth grade?
Get real.
You wouldn't last a day.
You'd be eaten alive,
chewed up and spit back out.
(SCOFFS) Man,
talk about a stupid idea.
Now, let's go. I need you
to distract Rhonda
while I cut the designer tags
out of her new sweater.
I think that perhaps
you're just jealous, Helga.
(LAUGHS) Me? Jealous? Of what?
Of all the new
and exciting friends
I'm going to make.
You've got to be kidding.
No, Helga, I'm quite serious.
In fact, I'd go
so far as to say that
you're afraid.
Afraid that once I'm gone,
you won't be able to find
someone else to kick around.
Oh, really?
Is that what you think?
Well, I've got a newsflash
for you, smartypants.
These halls are crawling
with pathetic saps
who'd jump at the chance
to be my new sidekick.
Take a look around.
If I wanted to replace you,
I can do it like that!
And one more thing, Phoebe.
As far as your new
and exciting friends
are concerned,
I wouldn't hold my breath.
Okay then, fine.
Yeah, fine! Go then!
Okay. Time to find
a new patsy.
(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, Lila.
Why don't you have a seat
in this empty chair over here?
Why, Helga,
that's ever so sweet.
Helga seems to be
adjusting well.
I wonder how
Phoebe is making out.
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Hello, I'm Phoebe Heyerdahl,
and I've just been promoted
from the fourth grade.
I suppose you think that makes
you special or somethin'.
Grab a seat.
Well, well, girls,
looks like we got
ourselves a new fish.
Yeah, I heard about her.
She's supposed to be
some kind of
genius or somethin'.
Well, she better
not be too smart,
or we won't be able to
take advantage of her.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hi, Phoebe. I'm Maria.
This here is Connie.
Hi.
That's Cookie.
And over there's Simone.
Hi.
Fourth grade, huh?
Sheesh, you must be
real smart.
Yeah. And stylish.
I mean, monochromatic?
That is way cool.
Gum, Phoebe?
Only two and a half
calories a stick.
Oh, that would be delightful.
Uh, I mean, cool.
Now, remember, Lila,
all you have to do
is snip the tags
when she's not looking.
Gosh, I don't know, Helga.
It seems, well, ever so mean.
Are you kidding?
Rhonda's got a great
sense of humor.
Trust me, it'll be a scream.
Now, which one of
you special people
is gonna grace me
with your presence
up here at the black board?
How about you, Maria?
Gosh, I'd love to, sir.
I really would.
Only, I think Phoebe
had her hand up first.
Whoever. I just need a body.
She asked you to do what,
to my caprini cardigans?
Snip the tags out.
Lila, what are you doing?
You're not supposed
to ask her.
I just didn't feel right about
destroying Rhonda's
personal property
without getting
her permission first.
It seemed, well,
ever so wrong.
Yeah, well, guess what?
You're ever so fired!
Hey, Phoebe,
I was wondering if you could
do me a little favor.
A favor?
Yeah. You see, my mother
wrote me this excuse
to get me out of gym class
on account of
how I ain't gonna be
feeling so hot this week.
Only she was in a rush
and forgot to sign it.
Gee, how unfortunate.
Yeah.
But what can I do?
Well, I was thinkin' you could
just sign her name for me.
I mean, you did win
the fourth grade
penmanship award, didn't you?
Well, yes, I guess I did.
Well?
(STUTTERS) Okay. I suppose
there's no harm in it.
Okay, Nadine. If you want to
be my sidekick
there's one simple rule
you're gonna have to follow.
I talk, you write.
Think you can handle that?
RHONDA: No way, Helga!
Uh-uh. Nadine belongs to me.
(HAROLD GROANS)
She's my sidekick,
so, hands off.
Criminy, I'm running out
of stooges.
Oh, no. Tell me
this isn't happening.
You girls are gonna kill me.
What's the matter, Simone?
Well, today's my day
to buy lunch for the girls.
Only I forgot
my money at home.
Now what are we gonna do?
Well, I guess
I could pay today.
I had more,
but I already lent
$5 to cookie,
so she could pay her
overdue library fine.
Thanks, Phoebe.
You're a real life-saver.
Yeah, we'll have to
make it up to you.
Hey, I know.
How about you join us tonight
for a study party, Phoebe?
Study party?
Yeah, it's when we all
get together at my place
and, uh, do our homework.
What do you say?
Oh, gosh, I'd love to.
Sheena, what is this junk?
Where's my burger?
Where's my
double chocolate milk
with the two bendy straws?
But the health food plate
is much more binding.
I don't need binding, Sheena.
It's okay, Helga.
I know all about your
gastrointestinal disorder.
What with your constant trips
to the bathroom and all.
That's it, Granola girl!
You're dismissed!
And take this
health crap with you!
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey, girls.
Ready to hit the books?
Actually, Phoebe,
we had a better idea.
Yeah, we were thinking
it just seems really silly
for all five of us to work
on separate assignments.
And since you're the smartest,
well, we figured that
you could just as easily
do the homework for all of us.
We totally trust you.
Oh, you mean, you want me
to do your homework?
Come on, Pheebs,
what's the problem?
You want to be
one of us, don't you?
Sure, of course.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
All for one
and one for all, right?
CHARLIE: That's it, Bailey,
I've had enough of this stuff.
I don't want you see
Shannon no more.
Charlie, you can't
do this to me.
I love her.
Besides, I know
what you did last summer.
Who do you guys think
is cuter, Bailey or Charlie?
Definitely Bailey.
Charlie's got
that doofy beard.
Hey, Phoebe,
how's it going over there?
Fine.
Hey, and don't forget
to use the pink pen
on Cookie's homework.
And not too many adjectives,
she hates adjectives.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Phoebe,
the girls and I
were just sayin'
what a great time we had
at the study party last night.
Weren't we, ladies?
In fact, we'd love to
do it again real soon.
How about tonight?
Tonight?
Uh, tonight
might be difficult.
I, uh, have a hair
appointment. Sorry.
Hi. I'm Siobhan Truce.
And I've just been promoted
from the third grade.
New fish.
Third grade, huh?
She must the smartest girl
in the whole freakin' school.
Hey, girls, room for one more?
Actually, Phoebe,
this table's full.
Full?
Sorry, Phoebe.
It's just we're no longer
in need of your services.
My services?
But I thought we were friends.
Yeah, right.
So, anyway, Siobhan,
the girls and I
were wondering
if you wanted to come
to our study party
after school.
Study party?
(SOBBING)
Hi, Helga. How's
the sidekick search going?
Arnold. Ooh! I mean, uh,
the sidekick search,
it's going great.
As a matter of fact, I've got
a couple of candidates
waiting for me
in my office right now.
Not that it's
any of your business,
football head.
(PHOEBE SOBBING)
(DOOR OPENS)
(GASPS)
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'll never be able to
replace her.
Oh, if only I had
supported her in her
moment of distinction
instead of selfishly
assailing her
with cruel words.
If only I had regarded her
more as an equal
instead of treating her
like some kind of
pathetic subordinate.
If only my humble repents
could somehow reach
her tiny ears.
Helga.
Phoebe!
I couldn't help but overhear
what you were saying.
(STUTTERING) Oh. That.
I was just, uh,
practicing for this, uh, play.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I'm sorry, too, Helga.
I suppose I should've
considered your feelings
before abandoning you.
(SOBBING) Oh, Helga,
it was awful.
They took complete
advantage of me.
I feel so used.
You were right.
Going to the sixth grade
was a stupid idea.
I made a total fool
out of myself.
So, I've decided to
go back to the fourth grade.
Come on, Pheebs,
just because
it didn't work out
doesn't mean
it was stupid.
It was smart.
You're smart.
I was the stupid one
for thinking I could
ever replace you.
You mean it, Helga?
Of course, Phoebe.
I mean, you're more
than just my sidekick,
you're my best friend.
I guess I forgot that.
Thanks, Helga.
You're my best friend, too.
And so I gave them
all my money.
Then they
coerced me into doing
their homework for them.
Criminy. All right, Pheebs.
Looks like I'm gonna be
needing a few things.
Box of thumbtacks,
a ball of string
and a watermelon.
How about a pack of trick gum?
Good idea, Phoebe.
Write that one down.
Writing.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)