Him and Her (2010) s04e05 Episode Script
The Disco
I was planning a surprise for Steve in the flat.
This is Lee, he used to go out with Becky.
We were together four and a half years.
Laura's just told me.
She said you were pregnant.
I just want you to know I'm here for you, babe.
What did he want? Nothing.
You have both made the declarations required by law and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses and guests.
It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife.
And I'm going to tell everyone what you've done with that faggot.
Well, what's everyone going to think about you for marrying me? Sorry about all this, I'm not actually very used to public speaking.
Could've fooled me! I am the bride! I know you are, Laura.
I'm so sorry.
You do not You do not tell me I've had too much to drink Come on, Laura, darling No! Laura! You're such a virgin.
She didn't mean it.
She gets like this I think my dress has got a little bit dirty.
Here.
Come on.
Why don't you have a little dance? No! I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant and there's nothing you can do about it.
Laura! Right, I got something I want to tell you.
Laura! Come and have a dance, yeah? You all right? Not really.
You? No.
Would you mind not eating that in my ear? Sorry.
Thanks.
Oi, Steve.
In here.
Now.
Bloody hell, Paul.
Oh, my God.
It smelt like this before I came in here.
It smelt like this before I came in here.
What do you want? Laura's fucked.
She's said I've got to choose between her and Graham.
Hello.
Ooh.
Smelly! Excuse me.
Shall we do the rest of this outside? Yeah.
Here he is! I'm just going to find my lady wife You've got your honeymoon for that! Oh, thanks.
Come with me.
I want to tell you something! I'm all right, thanks, Laura.
Oi! Go in there and get your cock out.
Hi.
Hi.
Laura, what did you just say to him? Go on.
Thanks, Steve.
I really, really respect Muslims.
I'm not a Muslim.
Laura.
Please don't tell Steve Shut it.
I've actually got quite a lot in common with Muslims, because I'm nice and I'm kind and I believe in God, but then if you annoy me I go ape-shit.
I'm not a Muslim.
Laura! Oh, go shove it up your smelly arse.
Laura! All right? Yep.
Yes.
Ugh! Do you know where Laura went? Where do you want to put it? Sorry? Where do you want to put it? If you do it from behind, you won't have to look at me.
Laura? Come on.
You know you want it.
I really don't.
I'll suck you off.
You can come in my face.
Steve? Hurry up.
Laura! Your dad likes Shelly, doesn't he? Yeah.
Oh, come on.
He's fine.
He's just having a laugh.
Laura? Everyone's saying how bad Steve's speech was.
Steve? Suck on my tits.
No.
Yes.
No.
Why are you laughing? Because you're telling me to suck on your tits.
Just do it so I can tell Paul.
Let's go and have a dance, eh? This is your last chance.
Are you going to suck on my tits or not? No! Don't laugh at me! I was thinking of popping outside for a bit, get some fresh air.
OK.
You should come with me.
I'm worried about you.
You need to be careful in your condition.
I'm fine.
I'm going to wait for Laura.
Becky.
Come on.
Don't fuck me about.
Pardon? Becky's keeping a secret from you.
And she's told Lee because she loves him.
OK, Laura.
She dreams about him at night.
Course she does.
She carries a lock of his hair.
Nice.
She sniffs it when you're asleep.
And she's got a secret.
She's told him and I know what it is.
What? What is it? Laura Oh, my God! Hi, Mum.
This is Ian! Paul's brother! Half-brother! I want to go home! No, he doesn't! Janet! Please! No! Please take your hands off me.
You all right? Yeah! You? Yeah! Wah-hey! Calm down, mate.
Come on.
She said if I choose Graham I'll never see Bernadette again.
Oh, what a pickle.
Dan.
Argh! Calm down.
You're Bernadette's dad.
She can't stop you seeing her.
Oh, yes, she can.
Ugh! Paul! I am a man and I have feelings! You all right? Yeah.
Fine.
It's me own fault.
Shall I get you another drink? Nah.
You're all right.
You having that? Yeah.
Fucking, stupid, fucking moron.
Ugly, fucking piggy little bitch Is he all right in there? Thick bitch! Yeah.
He's fine.
Stupid, stinking moron By the way Pathetic.
.
.
your speech was diabolical.
Fucking pathetic.
Thanks.
Just get in the cubicle and do it.
Don't be silly, Laura.
Becks? Just get it out.
OK! Careful, Laur'! Come on.
Just get it out.
Careful, sweetheart.
Becks, let's pop outside.
Come on.
Just a hand job.
Oh, my God.
You can close your eyes and imagine I'm her.
Come on.
No! It's just me and you, Paul.
You can come out.
Leave me alone, Steve.
I'm going to kill myself.
OK.
How are you going to do that? Dunno yet.
Shall I get you a knife? Pills? Bit of rope? I'm actually all right.
Thanks.
Right.
Have you said anything to Steve about the baby? Don't do that, Laura! Shut the door, Shell.
Sorry.
Sorry, Lee.
I think you probably need a bit of time alone, Laura, darling.
I've been planning this day since I was three so I don't really care about what you and your ugly little lesbian embryo are doing about anything.
You know I love you, don't you? I think me and Becky should leave you alone for a bit, darling.
You need a bit of me time.
Do you know how much this wedding cost? Yeah, but it's been a lovely day, though, hasn't it? Everyone said lovely things about you.
You did your lovely song.
Everyone was saying how amazing you looked, weren't they? I think you look absolutely beautiful, Laura.
See? Don't touch what you can't afford.
I like being with Graham.
I know.
He's got this dressing gown I wear when I stay over.
It's really soft.
Ooh, it sounds lovely.
And he's got this massive bath.
It's massive, Steve.
We got three of us in it.
But Bernadette needs me.
She needs her biological parents.
Come on, Paul.
I think you've got to call Graham.
He's just so gentle, Steve.
OK.
He reads me like a map.
He knows every contour of my body All right, all right.
Becky.
Sweetheart.
Come outside with me.
It's a lovely evening.
I need to look after Laura.
What's so good about Steve? I'm sorry, but someone's got to say it.
This is a man who asked you to marry him in his flat.
The most important question of your life and does he hire out a limo? No.
Does he take you up the London Eye? I think you'll have a dance.
As soon as he finds out you're pregnant he's going to leave you.
I've seen it a million times.
So, you've got to tell him and tell him now and you'll see for yourself what kind of man he is.
If you don't tell him, babe, I will.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Tell me what? Hey! Come on! Join in! Don't be boring! Shelly! Go on, mate.
Go on, mate.
Come on, mate, don't be boring.
Come on.
Shit, shit, shit, shit! Shit! Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Please! Don't be like that! Leave me alone! For heaven's sakes! Don't be like that.
Um, sorry, Daniel.
All right? Come on, Shelly.
What room are you in? Yes, OK, we could've legged it to your car, yes, but my point is, we didn't do any of those things and now I'm married to her, Graham.
I need to do what's right for our baby.
This isn't about you and me, Graham.
She needs her biological parents.
Oh, don't cry.
Please don't cry.
I just want to know what room you're in, Shelly.
It's quite simple.
OK, Nigel.
Have you seen Steve? Um No, love.
Sorry.
The wife's in bed.
Get rid of that thing and you and me can have some fun.
Come on, Shelly.
Don't be a bitch.
I can't find Steve anywhere.
Oh, no.
You give it all that with your high voice and your fake tan, but you're just as rotten as the rest of them.
OK, Nigel.
Goodbye now.
You can't look like that and not expect men to take an interest.
OK, Nigel.
You look like a whore you get treated like a whore - it's just a fact of life.
Don't get all fucking female about it What the fuck was that? What's Becky going to tell me? Just tell me, please, Lee because this is actually really not very nice.
What's wrong with me, Dan? I can do it myself.
Get off.
I'm a monster.
No, you're not, you're lovely.
I'm fine.
It's just a nosebleed.
What happened? I killed him.
I'm fine.
It's just a nosebleed.
I killed him.
I've killed him, Dan! You haven't killed him.
It's all right, Shell.
Come on, let's sit you down.
It's over.
Me and Graham are over.
I'm going to do the right thing for once.
I'm going to change.
Steve, I'm going to be a good father.
That's great, Paul, yeah.
I've told him it's over.
I'm going to delete his number.
I'm going to take all his pictures of me off the internet.
What was I thinking?! When I say it out loud it doesn't even make sense! He's 58! It'd never work! And he's a man.
I do love Laura.
I know I do.
We have something special.
It's taken all this to prove it to me, but sometimes that's what love's like.
She's an amazing woman and I love her and I'm going to be true to her and we're going to be the most loving biological parents Bernadette could ever need.
I feel like a cloud's lifted.
It's a happy ending, Steve.
Everything's going to be OK.
I'm pleased for you mate.
I really am.
I'm going to go find Laura, tell her the good news.
All right? This is going to break Paul's heart.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, the fireworks are starting so if you'd like to make your way outside and then back in here for some more top tunes.
This way.
I think you need to tell me what's going on, Becks.
Has Laura said anything to you? What about? You OK? It was just a nosebleed.
I don't know what all the fuss was about.
Hey! You going to come and see the fireworks? Absolutely.
We'll be there in a minute.
Great.
See you out there! That's my son.
Never.
I thought he was your brother.
Yeah, we get that a lot.
Becky, you coming outside for the fireworks? Yeah.
Definitely.
We'll see you out there.
Great.
What's happening, Becks? Come on.
Lee.
You coming outside? Yeah.
Just try and stop me! Right.
This is it.
Come on.
Let's go into the room.
No.
I'm not coming in till you've told me.
Come on.
Don't be silly.
No, I'm not coming in till you've told me, Becks.
Come inside, Steve.
I'm not coming in there.
I'm not.
Right.
This is it.
I'm hot.
And I've got a sweaty back.
OK.
What's that? Soap.
Right.
So, I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to count down from 20 Just start at ten.
I'm going to count down from 20 and you're going to tell me what's going on.
OK? Steve 20, 19, 18, 17 I didn't want to tell you like this.
16, 15, 14, 13 Steve12, 11, 10 OK, OK.
Nine, eight, seven, six, five I'm pregnant.
Sorry, I think I misheard you.
Can you say that again? I'm I'm pregnant.
Is this what you've been wanting to tell me? I, er Lee So, you're not going to dump me? No, of course not.
Why would I dump you? There's about a million reasons.
I didn't want to tell you like this.
I wanted to do a nice pregnancy thing.
No, I'm sorry I don't know anything.
I don't You can't be pregnant This is silly I don't know how to do anything.
Have you done a test? Yeah, of course.
What did it say? It said I'm pregnant.
Fuck.
I'll join the library.
Get a book on it.
We can go to classes.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Good.
Fuck that, actually - we'll have to talk to people.
I'll get a book on it.
There'll be an app.
I'll need a smartphone.
I can't afford one.
I'll get a job.
I'll get a smartphone.
And then I'll get myself an app all about how to be a dad.
Fuck Fucking hell.
How am I going to be someone else's dad? Is this going to be OK? Oh, my God, did I hurt you? Oh, don't be silly.
Is he easy to squash? He? God, I threw you off the bed this morning! It's a boy, is it? I fucking hope so.
Come on.
Sit down.
Are you OK? Do you feel sick? Are you going to be sick? Do you want me to get you a bowl? Is that OK? Wow, that looks really comfy.
Sit on it.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
This is Lee, he used to go out with Becky.
We were together four and a half years.
Laura's just told me.
She said you were pregnant.
I just want you to know I'm here for you, babe.
What did he want? Nothing.
You have both made the declarations required by law and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses and guests.
It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husband and wife.
And I'm going to tell everyone what you've done with that faggot.
Well, what's everyone going to think about you for marrying me? Sorry about all this, I'm not actually very used to public speaking.
Could've fooled me! I am the bride! I know you are, Laura.
I'm so sorry.
You do not You do not tell me I've had too much to drink Come on, Laura, darling No! Laura! You're such a virgin.
She didn't mean it.
She gets like this I think my dress has got a little bit dirty.
Here.
Come on.
Why don't you have a little dance? No! I'm going to tell Steve you're pregnant and there's nothing you can do about it.
Laura! Right, I got something I want to tell you.
Laura! Come and have a dance, yeah? You all right? Not really.
You? No.
Would you mind not eating that in my ear? Sorry.
Thanks.
Oi, Steve.
In here.
Now.
Bloody hell, Paul.
Oh, my God.
It smelt like this before I came in here.
It smelt like this before I came in here.
What do you want? Laura's fucked.
She's said I've got to choose between her and Graham.
Hello.
Ooh.
Smelly! Excuse me.
Shall we do the rest of this outside? Yeah.
Here he is! I'm just going to find my lady wife You've got your honeymoon for that! Oh, thanks.
Come with me.
I want to tell you something! I'm all right, thanks, Laura.
Oi! Go in there and get your cock out.
Hi.
Hi.
Laura, what did you just say to him? Go on.
Thanks, Steve.
I really, really respect Muslims.
I'm not a Muslim.
Laura.
Please don't tell Steve Shut it.
I've actually got quite a lot in common with Muslims, because I'm nice and I'm kind and I believe in God, but then if you annoy me I go ape-shit.
I'm not a Muslim.
Laura! Oh, go shove it up your smelly arse.
Laura! All right? Yep.
Yes.
Ugh! Do you know where Laura went? Where do you want to put it? Sorry? Where do you want to put it? If you do it from behind, you won't have to look at me.
Laura? Come on.
You know you want it.
I really don't.
I'll suck you off.
You can come in my face.
Steve? Hurry up.
Laura! Your dad likes Shelly, doesn't he? Yeah.
Oh, come on.
He's fine.
He's just having a laugh.
Laura? Everyone's saying how bad Steve's speech was.
Steve? Suck on my tits.
No.
Yes.
No.
Why are you laughing? Because you're telling me to suck on your tits.
Just do it so I can tell Paul.
Let's go and have a dance, eh? This is your last chance.
Are you going to suck on my tits or not? No! Don't laugh at me! I was thinking of popping outside for a bit, get some fresh air.
OK.
You should come with me.
I'm worried about you.
You need to be careful in your condition.
I'm fine.
I'm going to wait for Laura.
Becky.
Come on.
Don't fuck me about.
Pardon? Becky's keeping a secret from you.
And she's told Lee because she loves him.
OK, Laura.
She dreams about him at night.
Course she does.
She carries a lock of his hair.
Nice.
She sniffs it when you're asleep.
And she's got a secret.
She's told him and I know what it is.
What? What is it? Laura Oh, my God! Hi, Mum.
This is Ian! Paul's brother! Half-brother! I want to go home! No, he doesn't! Janet! Please! No! Please take your hands off me.
You all right? Yeah! You? Yeah! Wah-hey! Calm down, mate.
Come on.
She said if I choose Graham I'll never see Bernadette again.
Oh, what a pickle.
Dan.
Argh! Calm down.
You're Bernadette's dad.
She can't stop you seeing her.
Oh, yes, she can.
Ugh! Paul! I am a man and I have feelings! You all right? Yeah.
Fine.
It's me own fault.
Shall I get you another drink? Nah.
You're all right.
You having that? Yeah.
Fucking, stupid, fucking moron.
Ugly, fucking piggy little bitch Is he all right in there? Thick bitch! Yeah.
He's fine.
Stupid, stinking moron By the way Pathetic.
.
.
your speech was diabolical.
Fucking pathetic.
Thanks.
Just get in the cubicle and do it.
Don't be silly, Laura.
Becks? Just get it out.
OK! Careful, Laur'! Come on.
Just get it out.
Careful, sweetheart.
Becks, let's pop outside.
Come on.
Just a hand job.
Oh, my God.
You can close your eyes and imagine I'm her.
Come on.
No! It's just me and you, Paul.
You can come out.
Leave me alone, Steve.
I'm going to kill myself.
OK.
How are you going to do that? Dunno yet.
Shall I get you a knife? Pills? Bit of rope? I'm actually all right.
Thanks.
Right.
Have you said anything to Steve about the baby? Don't do that, Laura! Shut the door, Shell.
Sorry.
Sorry, Lee.
I think you probably need a bit of time alone, Laura, darling.
I've been planning this day since I was three so I don't really care about what you and your ugly little lesbian embryo are doing about anything.
You know I love you, don't you? I think me and Becky should leave you alone for a bit, darling.
You need a bit of me time.
Do you know how much this wedding cost? Yeah, but it's been a lovely day, though, hasn't it? Everyone said lovely things about you.
You did your lovely song.
Everyone was saying how amazing you looked, weren't they? I think you look absolutely beautiful, Laura.
See? Don't touch what you can't afford.
I like being with Graham.
I know.
He's got this dressing gown I wear when I stay over.
It's really soft.
Ooh, it sounds lovely.
And he's got this massive bath.
It's massive, Steve.
We got three of us in it.
But Bernadette needs me.
She needs her biological parents.
Come on, Paul.
I think you've got to call Graham.
He's just so gentle, Steve.
OK.
He reads me like a map.
He knows every contour of my body All right, all right.
Becky.
Sweetheart.
Come outside with me.
It's a lovely evening.
I need to look after Laura.
What's so good about Steve? I'm sorry, but someone's got to say it.
This is a man who asked you to marry him in his flat.
The most important question of your life and does he hire out a limo? No.
Does he take you up the London Eye? I think you'll have a dance.
As soon as he finds out you're pregnant he's going to leave you.
I've seen it a million times.
So, you've got to tell him and tell him now and you'll see for yourself what kind of man he is.
If you don't tell him, babe, I will.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Tell me what? Hey! Come on! Join in! Don't be boring! Shelly! Go on, mate.
Go on, mate.
Come on, mate, don't be boring.
Come on.
Shit, shit, shit, shit! Shit! Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
Please! Don't be like that! Leave me alone! For heaven's sakes! Don't be like that.
Um, sorry, Daniel.
All right? Come on, Shelly.
What room are you in? Yes, OK, we could've legged it to your car, yes, but my point is, we didn't do any of those things and now I'm married to her, Graham.
I need to do what's right for our baby.
This isn't about you and me, Graham.
She needs her biological parents.
Oh, don't cry.
Please don't cry.
I just want to know what room you're in, Shelly.
It's quite simple.
OK, Nigel.
Have you seen Steve? Um No, love.
Sorry.
The wife's in bed.
Get rid of that thing and you and me can have some fun.
Come on, Shelly.
Don't be a bitch.
I can't find Steve anywhere.
Oh, no.
You give it all that with your high voice and your fake tan, but you're just as rotten as the rest of them.
OK, Nigel.
Goodbye now.
You can't look like that and not expect men to take an interest.
OK, Nigel.
You look like a whore you get treated like a whore - it's just a fact of life.
Don't get all fucking female about it What the fuck was that? What's Becky going to tell me? Just tell me, please, Lee because this is actually really not very nice.
What's wrong with me, Dan? I can do it myself.
Get off.
I'm a monster.
No, you're not, you're lovely.
I'm fine.
It's just a nosebleed.
What happened? I killed him.
I'm fine.
It's just a nosebleed.
I killed him.
I've killed him, Dan! You haven't killed him.
It's all right, Shell.
Come on, let's sit you down.
It's over.
Me and Graham are over.
I'm going to do the right thing for once.
I'm going to change.
Steve, I'm going to be a good father.
That's great, Paul, yeah.
I've told him it's over.
I'm going to delete his number.
I'm going to take all his pictures of me off the internet.
What was I thinking?! When I say it out loud it doesn't even make sense! He's 58! It'd never work! And he's a man.
I do love Laura.
I know I do.
We have something special.
It's taken all this to prove it to me, but sometimes that's what love's like.
She's an amazing woman and I love her and I'm going to be true to her and we're going to be the most loving biological parents Bernadette could ever need.
I feel like a cloud's lifted.
It's a happy ending, Steve.
Everything's going to be OK.
I'm pleased for you mate.
I really am.
I'm going to go find Laura, tell her the good news.
All right? This is going to break Paul's heart.
Right, ladies and gentlemen, the fireworks are starting so if you'd like to make your way outside and then back in here for some more top tunes.
This way.
I think you need to tell me what's going on, Becks.
Has Laura said anything to you? What about? You OK? It was just a nosebleed.
I don't know what all the fuss was about.
Hey! You going to come and see the fireworks? Absolutely.
We'll be there in a minute.
Great.
See you out there! That's my son.
Never.
I thought he was your brother.
Yeah, we get that a lot.
Becky, you coming outside for the fireworks? Yeah.
Definitely.
We'll see you out there.
Great.
What's happening, Becks? Come on.
Lee.
You coming outside? Yeah.
Just try and stop me! Right.
This is it.
Come on.
Let's go into the room.
No.
I'm not coming in till you've told me.
Come on.
Don't be silly.
No, I'm not coming in till you've told me, Becks.
Come inside, Steve.
I'm not coming in there.
I'm not.
Right.
This is it.
I'm hot.
And I've got a sweaty back.
OK.
What's that? Soap.
Right.
So, I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to count down from 20 Just start at ten.
I'm going to count down from 20 and you're going to tell me what's going on.
OK? Steve 20, 19, 18, 17 I didn't want to tell you like this.
16, 15, 14, 13 Steve12, 11, 10 OK, OK.
Nine, eight, seven, six, five I'm pregnant.
Sorry, I think I misheard you.
Can you say that again? I'm I'm pregnant.
Is this what you've been wanting to tell me? I, er Lee So, you're not going to dump me? No, of course not.
Why would I dump you? There's about a million reasons.
I didn't want to tell you like this.
I wanted to do a nice pregnancy thing.
No, I'm sorry I don't know anything.
I don't You can't be pregnant This is silly I don't know how to do anything.
Have you done a test? Yeah, of course.
What did it say? It said I'm pregnant.
Fuck.
I'll join the library.
Get a book on it.
We can go to classes.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Good.
Fuck that, actually - we'll have to talk to people.
I'll get a book on it.
There'll be an app.
I'll need a smartphone.
I can't afford one.
I'll get a job.
I'll get a smartphone.
And then I'll get myself an app all about how to be a dad.
Fuck Fucking hell.
How am I going to be someone else's dad? Is this going to be OK? Oh, my God, did I hurt you? Oh, don't be silly.
Is he easy to squash? He? God, I threw you off the bed this morning! It's a boy, is it? I fucking hope so.
Come on.
Sit down.
Are you OK? Do you feel sick? Are you going to be sick? Do you want me to get you a bowl? Is that OK? Wow, that looks really comfy.
Sit on it.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!