Hogan's Heroes (1965) s04e05 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( wire cutters splash in river ) How much longer, Kinch? What's taking so long, Kinch? I'm finished.
Come on, let's go.
Where's Newkirk and Carter? Should have mined the other bridge by now.
If anybody can foul up a mission, it's Newkirk and Carter.
And when they come here, I bet you they'll have some flimsy excuse.
We were getting worried.
We would have been here sooner, but just as Carter was placing the explosives under the bridge, this German patrol came by.
They had a machine gun unit, field artillery squad with two 75-millimeters canons and a Mark IV tank.
I told you they'd have a flimsy excuse.
But undaunted and completely surrounded by the enemy, I steadfastly stuck to my assignment and calmly and coolly placed the explosives under the bridge.
Thank you, Nathan Hale.
Good job.
Colonel, we'd better blow up our bridge and get back to camp.
All right.
Kinch, you want to do the honors? Thanks, Colonel.
Oh, you really are a clod.
Now, come on! You know, blowing up two bridges in one day seems a bit greedy.
The second one puts the icing on the cake.
When they reroute those Panzer divisions from the first bridge, it'll look like the freeway at rush hour.
They'll be immobilized for weeks.
KINCH: Light.
to blow up Rutherford B.
Hayes Polytechnic.
Well, I always wanted to blow up my old high school.
I never did, of course.
Well, I did blow up the chemistry lab and the cafeteria.
And the balcony in the auditorium went, too.
NEWKIRK: All right, stand by, gentlemen, we are about to hear the blast.
Three, two, one-- boom.
Carter? LeBEAU: I knew if anybody could foul up the assignment it would be you two.
One thing you've got to say about my mate, Carter, he's a man who knows his explosives.
When he sets a timer, mate, you know it's got to go off.
I thought you set the timer.
You thought I set the timer?! You're the man who blew up Rutherford B.
Hayes Poly-bloody-technic! Undaunted and completely surrounded by the enemy, you steadfastly clung to your post until you coolly and calmly blew the whole assignment.
All right, hold it, hold it.
A thing like this could happen to anyone.
Why does it always happen to him? You two guys are fast becoming the Laurel and Hardy of demolition teams.
Colonel Hogan, I volunteer to go out and set that timer.
Well, Laurel, do you volunteer to go with Hardy? Nobody's going out.
By now the woods are full of German patrols.
But, Colonel, London says those Panzers have to be stopped.
I know, I know.
We can't just rush into it; we've got to pick exactly the right time.
There's an old saying that says, "Patience is a virtue.
" There's another old saying that says, "Feed a cold and starve a fever.
" Well, what's that got to do with this?! Nothing but if the situation ever comes up, it's just nice to know we have a good, old saying to fall back on.
Get in your bunk.
Yes, sir, that's very nice of you.
But I'm just doing a simple job in a simple camp simply being the best commandant in the German army.
And a Heil Hitler to you, sir.
Ah, Major Hochstetter.
That was General Burkhalter with a commendation for me.
Oh, I'm sure that his constant praise would turn the head of a lesser man.
Did you tell him about the bombing last night? There was a bombing last night? You didn't hear them blow up the Dorfmann bridge?! I happen to be a very sound sleeper.
Tell that to General Burkhalter.
Sir, may I remind you that some of the finest military men were sound sleepers-- Napoleon, for one.
Oh? He must have had a wonderful nap at Waterloo.
What about the air raid last night? It was not an air raid; the bridge was sabotaged.
Major Hochstetter, the underground is your responsibility.
If your Gestapo men were as efficient as my men, you wouldn't have these problems.
We have reason to believe that the damage was done by one of your prisoners.
My prisoners?! Impossible! There has never been an escape from Stalag 13.
Nevertheless, we know absolutely there are no American soldiers in this area and yet this was found the Dorfmann bridge.
You know what that is, Colonel? Mm-hmm, it's a button.
I know it's a button! What does it say on the button? "Us.
" Not "us," U-S Oh Yes, U-S.
Unterseeboot.
No.
Untersee "United States," Dummkopf! Oh, right, sir.
Klink, this button if off the uniform of an American soldier.
And I say he is in this camp.
Impossible.
Every man was confined to quarters last night with the exception of Barracks Two.
Barracks Two would not be Colonel Hogan's barracks, by any chance, huh? How did you know that? Always with this Hogan there is some funny business.
I assure you there was no funny business last night.
Barracks Two was under the direct observation of one of my oldest, most trusted, most dependable guards.
Good, I'm glad it wasn't Schultz.
But it was.
Schultz?! You called me, sir? Why would anybody call you?! Schultz, were you keeping a close watch on Barracks Two, as I ordered you last night? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
No prisoner in this barracks was out of my sight.
I didn't take my eyes off them, not for a moment.
I watched them like a hawk.
Read this.
How can he watch the prisoners like a hawk when he's as blind as a bat? Oh, it's a button and it says "us.
" ( bellows ) I should have known better than to come here in the first place.
Now, I assure you, Major Hochstetter, no prisoner in this camp took part in last night's sabotage.
But as a courtesy to the Gestapo, I will personally make a search for an American prisoner with a button missing.
Klink, you have something missing.
Most of your prisoners are in rags and old uniforms-- naturally they'd have buttons off.
Then I will question them one by one.
Bah! The Gestapo will find out for themselves with our new interrogation team.
New team? Yes, commandant, and I can tell you they've been very successful.
Every man they've questioned has cracked within an hour.
I don't like to tell you this, but all of you are going to be questioned by the Gestapo.
So what else is new? They've questioned us before.
Yeah, you'd think those chaps would give up by now.
There is a new interrogation team coming which makes any prisoner crack within an hour.
I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
That's all right, Schultz-- better you than from the lips of a stranger.
That's a jolly bit of news.
What can they do to us? Bamboo under the fingernails? Chinese water torture? The rack? Would you mind keeping your voice down? Maybe they haven't thought of those yet.
Maybe Schultz is just trying to scare us.
I don't think so.
They want information about the blowing up of that bridge.
They won't get any information from me.
They won't get anything out of me, either.
I don't blame you; it's a little embarrassing to confess you forgot to set the timer.
LeBeau, I warned you Look, fellows, if the Gestapo's sending a new team, they're probably going to have some new methods.
I don't want to sound like Knute Rockne at half time-- "Let's win one for the Gipper" and all that jazz-- but we can't give them any information.
Too many lives are at stake.
I know it's asking a lot of you, but this is probably the biggest thing we've ever faced.
So, no matter what this new interrogation team may do, don't give them any information.
All they'd get out of me, sir, is the exact strength of the RAF.
I'll tell them exactly how to blow up the Eiffel Tower.
I'll give them the complete diagram of the Norden bomb site.
Have you guys gone crazy?! Buddies it's going to be tougher than I thought.
They're beautiful! Absolutely lovely.
What do you think, Colonel? It's obvious, a violation of the Geneva Convention-- this has got to come under "cruel and inhuman punishment.
" ( knock at door ) Come in.
Begging your pardon, sir.
Newkirk, I want to talk to you about these plans.
Right, sir.
I think I've got a new route we can take to get to that bridge.
Very good, sir, good.
It may be a little bit longer, but we don't have to cut through the woods.
Sounds marvelous, sir, marvelous.
And since we have a moonless night coming up tomorrow, it would be perfect Newkirk? Yes, sir, yes? Go on; I'm listening, sir.
As soon as you finish with my after-shave lotion, I'll be glad to give you a manicure.
Oh, I was just sprucing myself up a bit, sir.
You don't seem to understand.
These girls are going to do their best to try to get information out of you.
You don't have to worry about me, sir.
My lips are sealed.
Oh, yeah.
What if one of the girls walks up, puts her arms around you and plants a big kiss on those sealed lips? She'd be falling right into my trap, sir.
The Gestapo's plan is beginning to work already.
I hope the rest of these guys aren't acting like it's Saturday night at the USO.
KINCH: Come on, how long you going to stand in front of that mirror, LeBeau? Give somebody else a chance.
My hair still isn't brushed.
Are you kidding? You've done everything but put it up on curlers.
Come on.
May I cut in? Oh, Colonel.
I hope your card isn't filled.
I'd like you to save a waltz for me.
I was just practicing.
You know, I thought my dancing might be getting a little rusty.
It's nice to know the feet still have that old rhythm.
Mm-hmm.
Fellows? Yes, Colonel? Fellows, these girls are working for the Gestapo.
This is psychological warfare.
I'm ready, Schultz! It's me he's after, LeBeau! It's alphabetical and "Carter" is before "Newkirk," "Kinchloe" and "LeBeau.
" Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Who is wearing that Bay Rum? I would like to have some of that.
I have some right here, Schultzy.
Wait a minute, no, try mine, it's called "Sinsation.
" Hey, you can put it on on the way, come on.
Mine's a lot more sexy.
Hold it, hold it a minute, fellows.
Who's he want to see first? They are starting with LeBeau.
Hey-hey! We'll see you all later.
Don't wait up for me.
LeBeau? Yes, sir? Just a last word of advice: All you're required to give the girl that questions you is your name, rank and serial number.
Right.
My name, rank, serial number.
Phone number.
Office number.
My concierge number-- she takes my messages.
Mother's number, in case the concierge is out.
Schultz, get him out of here.
Come on.
I know now why the Gestapo's new method of interrogation is so effective.
I certainly could never keep a secret from three such beautiful women.
For instance, if one of you ladies were to ask me for my home phone number, it would be impossible for me to keep from telling you that it is "Bismarck 9-2-7-1," and if there is no answer, it's "Rhinelander 4-8-2-7.
" It's amazing how you never write down those facts.
Of course, you ladies were chosen for your fantastic memories.
( knock at door ) Busy.
LeBEAU: It's me, Herr Kommandant-- LeBeau.
Come back later.
I think we should let the prisoner come in, Colonel Klink.
Oh, yes, of course, of course.
Those flowers are from my garden.
My compliments.
Klink, what are you doing with those flowers? Well, I thought it would Get out of here and let them get on with the interrogation.
Ladies.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Inge Wagner.
This is Heidi Baum.
And this is Anna Mannheim.
( clears throat ) LeBeau.
Louis.
Corporal.
I see that you are aware of the Geneva Convention, Corporal LeBeau.
However, there is nothing in the rules that says you cannot join us for a glass of champagne.
No.
Won't you sit down, please, Corporal LeBeau? Over here, please.
Oh.
A toast.
To Corporal LeBeau.
Call me Louie.
More champagne, Louie? No, no, merci beaucoup, no.
Is there something wrong with the wine? I thought the best champagne came from Reims.
Oh, it does.
And also from Eperany.
I never heard of Eperany.
The most beautiful part in France.
My father's family comes from there.
Ah Is he also in the wine business? No.
He worked in the railroad yards.
That must be fascinating.
I remember as a boy I used to play in a secret tunnel under the tracks where they used to store the old equipment.
My father never knew I discovered it.
Oh, that's a darling story, isn't it? Yes, it is.
How is the paté? Mmm, fantastic.
We had it sent direct from Strasbourg.
The only place for paté.
Have you ever been there? I used to go to visit my friend, Claude Lenoir.
Claude Lenoir.
Isn't he the famous French violinist? Claude has no musical talent at all.
His only talent was for making radios.
Ah.
My brother used to make radios, too.
He used to talk to people as far away as England.
Oh, Claude spoke to people in England all the time.
He even spoke to a man in Australia.
I find you very fascinating, Louie.
I find you interesting, too, Inge.
I've been with you for an hour and you haven't asked me a question yet.
Oh, that is because I know I could never get any information out of you.
All I gave her was my name, rank and serial number.
Well just hear what she has to report to Hochstetter.
Don't think that she didn't try-- with champagne, paté de fois gras, little squeezes on my hand.
But I was like a clam.
Well, Fraulein, did you get any information from LeBeau? Yes, Major.
She's faking it.
We now know where there is a secret tunnel that has replacement parts for the trains at the railroad yards of Éperany.
HOCHSTETTER ( on radio ): Good.
Anything else? INGE ( on radio ): We have located an underground short-wave radio station in Strasbourg operated by a man named Claude Lenoir.
Amazing, how did you manage HOCHSTETTER: Anything else? INGE: No.
But after my next interrogation, I am sure that I will have more information.
Well, for a clam, you've certainly got a big mouth.
I don't know how she got that information.
I told you to be careful.
They can trick you into giving all sorts of information.
Message from the underground, Colonel.
What is it? They say we got to blow up that bridge by tonight.
All right.
Contact them and tell them the mission will be accomplished.
Right.
Oh, and Kinch? Ask the underground to get us all the information they can on Inge Wagner, Heidi Baum and Anna Mannheim.
I can tell you all about them, Colonel.
You may have missed something, LeBeau.
Mannheim Oh, Kinch, also tell them to blow up that secret tunnel in the railroad yard at Éperany.
And tell Claude Lenoir to get out of Strasbourg as quick as possible.
Will do.
NEWKIRK: Colonel? When are we going to go out to that bridge? Only I'm going out.
You can't go out alone, Colonel.
I won't be alone.
Taking a date.
Is this where you wanted to park? Yeah, they say there's a pretty view from this bridge.
You know, I'm really surprised at Hochstetter letting us take this drive.
You made an excellent suggestion.
We try to keep these interrogations as informal as possible.
I'll go along with that.
( sighs ) I think I like this view better than the one from the Dorfmann Bridge, don't you? Hogan, Robert E.
Colonel, U.
S.
Air Corps.
Touché, Colonel.
I really did not expect you to answer any questions.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
If you'd like my phone number, I'll be glad to give you that.
I would like that very much.
If you're planning a trip to Cleveland, Ohio, after the war, you can look me up.
If you are there, I will look you up.
Mission accomplished.
I can see that from here, sir.
You should wipe the lipstick off your face, Colonel.
( banging ) Kinch, just the man I want to see.
Did you get all the dope on the girls? It's all here, Colonel-- everything including their baby formulas.
Why did you want that information? LeBeau, two can play this psychological warfare game.
All I really know about you is that you're from Cleveland.
It wouldn't be violating any military secrets if you told me a little more about yourself, would it? I guess not.
What do you want to know? Oh, what your first impressions were when you arrived in London.
Did you like the people? Oh, I think people are the same the world over.
London's a wonderful town.
Something like Berlin, your hometown.
Oh, I don't think it's at all like How did you know I was from Berlin? Heidi told me.
What else did she tell you about me? Oh, the usual things you say about friends-- that you went through two bad marriages, your brother was a Communist, your father was thrown out of the Nazi Party for embezzling.
Heidi! Heidi! Did you call, Inge? How dare you tell this man about my father and brother?! I didn't tell him anything.
Well, then, how did he know about my two bad marriages? Just a minute, don't go jumping on Heidi.
After all, you told me about her mother's schnapps problem.
What? You told him that? Now, just a minute, Heidi.
Oh, you're nothing but a vicious gossip! Hold it! Hold it! Come on! What is all the yelling about? Well, the girls have been telling tales out of school.
She was the one, she.
Oh, you were the one! You told this person everything you knew about me.
And what about you, you ( women shouting ) Stop the fighting! Stop the fighting! What is the meaning of this? Inge and Heidi have accused each other of giving intimate details about their lives to Colonel Hogan.
She was the one, she did it! How dare All right, hold it.
Hold it, girls! It's not really as bad as all that, Major.
They didn't tell me anything more intimate than the fact that Anna here has a mole.
Which one of you told him that? Actually, I heard it from Captain Braunschweiger.
Braunschweiger Now, Major That's why you missed our appointment the other night.
You said you were working.
Really, Major Don't be too hard on her, Major.
Heidi's dating Braunschweiger, too.
Hold it, girls! Please, hold it! HOCHSTETTER: Take your things and get out of here, all of you! Schnell, schnell! Oh, for heaven's sake ( arguing ) Major Hochstetter, isn't Braunschweiger that homely little fellow with the funny-looking Hitler mustache? I mean the very attractive young man who looks like Emil Jannings? This is the end of the new interrogation team.
From now, on we go back to the old Gestapo methods.
I don't blame you, Major.
Those girls were all blabbermouths.
I don't think you'll be so enthusiastic, Colonel Hogan, when they get through with you at Gestapo Headquarters.
Oh, I don't think I can give them any information, Major.
Colonel Hogan is my prisoner, Major Hochstetter.
I can assure you he has nothing to do with that bridge blowing up.
Klink I will be the judge of that.
And I suppose if another bridge blows up, I'll be blamed for that, too.
It would be impossible for another bridge to blow up.
You have been under surveillance for 24 hours.
( explosion ) Another bridge blowing up.
You were, uh saying, Major? I hope all of you learned a lesson in interrogation.
I should have known better, Colonel.
It's not your fault, LeBeau.
Inge's a beautiful girl.
What a shame they threw the ladies out before it was my turn to be interrogated.
You? You'd have given them the complete plans to Westminster Abbey.
Yeah, and a diagram of Buckingham Palace for good measure.
I guess we don't need this information on the girls any longer.
You can rest easy, men.
From now on, all we have is the old men in the Gestapo to worry about.
Uh, fellows? If you're looking for the girls' home phone numbers, they're on this paper right here.