I Love Lucy (1951) s04e05 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Hi! Hi, girl.
What are you doing tonight? Can you come over to dinner? Well, Ricky isn't coming home for dinner, but I can come.
Good.
What's the occasion? Fred's old vaudeville partner is in town.
Not the other half of "Laugh Till It Hurts with Mertz and Kurtz"! Barney Kurtz.
Oh, for heaven's sake! We didn't even know he was in this country.
He's been entertaining royalty all over Europe.
I saw the postcards.
Oh, that's right.
Listen, can I borrow your big silver tray? Sure.
Oh, I'm afraid it's going to need a little cleaning.
Oh, that's all right.
Thanks.
We have to put on a little dog so Barney will think Fred has done all right, too.
What do you mean? Fred has nothing to be ashamed of.
Oh, I know, but he's so jealous of Barney 'cause Barney stayed in show business and got to be a big star.
Yeah.
Fred got out all of his press notices this morning and put them all around the room in discreet places.
Oh, no! (chuckling): Oh, my God! And if he soft-shoes through the living room one more time singing "Red, Red Robin," I'm going to have to let him have it right in the beak.
(guffawing): Oh, no.
Say, can I borrow your cruet set, too? Sure.
And let's see your damask tablecloth and, uh And let me see and the napkins and and your silver carving set.
Why don't you just leave everything here and borrow the apartment? I'm surprised you haven't asked me to dress up and go over and serve for you.
Well, for heaven's sake! I didn't think you'd mind my asking you to Oh, honey, you know I don't! Oh, I know you don't mind.
Of course not.
Let's see now, what else can I borrow that looks better than what I've got? How about Ricky? That's a thought.
Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea you had.
You can't have him.
No, no, I don't mean that.
I mean you dressing up like a maid and coming over and help me serve.
Oh, well, I'll see you later, dear.
You run along now.
You got a lot to do Oh, come on, now, Lucy, won't you do it for me? No! Why not? I never asked you to do anything like this before.
Oh, honey, I can't do that! What would Ricky say? Ricky's not home.
Oh, come on now, you just got to do it for me! I don't got to do it.
Well, think of all the hundreds of things I've done for you! Oh, honey, I don't (talking over each other) (laughing) Oh, funny.
Oh, weren't they wonderful folks? That was a wonderful show, wonderful show.
Honey, what was the name of that mind reader? Alexander the Great.
That's right.
Alexander the Great.
What a mind reader.
He could tell you anything about yourself.
Yeah, he could.
Barney, what ever happened to him? Oh, he's working for the income tax department.
(laughing) Barney, would you care for more beef? Please, yes, please.
(jingling) Bessy! Madame rang? Yes, madame did.
Mr.
Kurtz cares for more beef.
Yes, ma'am.
Barney, tell us all about Europe.
Well, when I was making all those command performances before the crown heads of Europe, I thought of you both.
Oh! Really? Imagine playing before royalty! Well, they're just like ordinary people.
They are? Do they laugh and applaud? I never will forget the first command performance in the London Palladium.
The London Palladium! Gosh! Yes, you know, I was, uh, oh, I was very hot that night.
You know, I kept it topical.
Yeah.
I said, uh.
"A funny thing happened to me tonight on my way to Buckingham Palace.
" Buckingham Palace! (guffawing) Buckingham Palace! (laughing) Bessy, you may bring the beef.
Yes, ma'am, I'll hustle it right up, ma'am.
Bring some more potatoes, Bessy.
Yes, sir.
And some green beans.
Yes, ma'am.
And some rolls.
Yes, sir.
And could I have a spot of gravy, please? Yes, ma'am sir! Well, Fred, you seem to be doing all right with a maid and everything.
Well, Barney, if I do say so myself, we're doing pretty well.
Good.
We own two a couple of other apartment houses besides this one.
And we have a part-time cleaning woman.
Yeah, and it's too bad our two cars are laid up or you could use the chauffeur.
Well, it couldn't happen to two nicer people and I'm happy for you both.
Oh, thank you, Barney.
It's so good to have you with us again.
You know what we ought to do, Fred, while Barney's here? No.
We ought to get the old gang together and have a party.
Oh, that's Good idea.
Yeah.
very nice of you, but it can't be done.
I just about had enough time to visit you.
Oh You know I only have a few days, what with the booking agents, Mm.
the newspaper reporters, Mm.
and then I'm mapping out a new tour.
Yeah, Barney, I can see you're pretty busy all right.
Yes, indeed.
But it would be nice to see the old gang again.
Wouldn't it? Flying Fly You know that Sliding Jim Crane? Oh, Sliding Jim Crane.
Remember Kravetz and Lane? Yes! And the Shardi Sisters! BARNEY: The Flying Harrisons! ETHEL: Oh, how did you happen to remember the Flying Harrisions? He remembers everybody! And you know ETHEL: Oh, wait a minute.
I just want to ask you one thing.
What? Do you know what happened to Venus Jones? Venus Jones?! Yeah.
The last time I've heard Barney, What? Mr.
And Mrs.
Carl Guppy-- remember the Oh, Junior Carl Guppy! Yeah.
And, uh Th-the Costellos! Oh, the Costellos! The Costellos.
And Frank Parise, Frank Parise and Adolph Gonzalez.
And what about, what about that phrenologist? John Fugle, the fire-eater! Why, he'd spit hot lead right in your hand! Spit hot lead! Lucy! Ducy! Desi! Bessy! I'm sorry, ma'am.
I'll, I'll get a cloth and wipe it up.
Oh, my! LUCY: Spit hot lead.
You know it's impossible to get good servants today.
I know how it is, yes, yes.
Oh, say, Barney, Hmm? that's too bad, but, uh, are you going to be able to make Indianapolis on this trip? I'm afraid not, no.
Oh, you're not going to Indianapolis? No, no.
You're not gonna to see your daughter and your grandson! Have you ever seen him? Well, not since he was about a year old.
I told them that I couldn't make it this time, but I said, "The next trip, I'll come out there and I'll spend a lot of time.
" That's good.
Oh, fine.
Barney, and speaking of Indianapolis, Yeah? do you remember the night we broke our new act in there? Do I? Ho, ho.
Yeah.
With that big hit song we reduced? (chuckling) "By Jingo.
" "By Jingo"! I bet I still remember it.
And so do I! In the land of San Domingo Lived a gal called Oh By Jingo Ta-da, da-da-da-da Ompa, ompa, ompa, ompa From the fields and from the marshes Came the old and young by goshes Mm, da, ya, da, da, da Ompa, ompa, ompa, ompa, ompa They all spoke in a different lingo But they all knew Oh By Jingo And every night they sang in the pale moonlight Oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by gum Ta, da, ya, ta, da, da, da Oh By Jingo, can't you hear I love thee Ya, ta, ti, da, la, ta, ta We will build for you a hut You will be our favorite nut We will, la, la, la, oh, by golly And we'll put them in the follies By Jingo said by gosh, by gee Ti, da, ya, da, di, da, da She said, "Don't you bother me.
" Ti, da, ya, da, di, da, di So they all went away Singing oh, by gee, by gosh, by gum, by gee, By Jingo By gee, you're the only girl for By gee, you're the only girl for By gee, you're the only girl for Bump, tiddly-ump, bump, bump, tiddly-ump, bump Bump, tiddly-ump, bump For me! (all laughing heartily) Oh, that's very funny! (chuckling) Oh, boy.
And you remembered most of the lyrics.
Yeah, all of it.
Wonderful.
And wait till you see what I've got for dessert! Oh (laughing) I tell you, they don't write lyrics like that.
I'll bet they don't.
Boy, I'll say they don't! That is a real sensational number! Boy, oh, boy.
Do you remember the night the fella fell into the orchestra pit? Oh, no! (laughing hysterically) LUCY: No! (laughing uncontrollably) (laughing harder) Bessy! Bessy! Huh? Oh.
You may serve the dessert.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Sorry, ma'am.
Oh, Ethel, have you seen Lucy? Ricky, come on in and meet an old friend of ours.
Sure.
Ricky, this is Barney Kurtz.
Barney, this is Ricky Ricardo.
How do you do? Glad to know you, Ricky.
Glad to know you, Barney.
Hi, honey.
Oh, hi.
Rather friendly, isn't she? Uh, uh, uh, you may serve the dessert, Bessy.
Yes, ma'am.
Bessy! Lucy, what are you doing in that getup? Why, uh, she's kind of, uh, uh Oh, dear! Oh, what's the use? Barney, I might as well confess.
We really haven't got all the money I said we had.
This is the only apartment house we own and the bank owns most of it.
We can't afford a maid.
That's Lucy Ricardo, Ricky's wife.
They live right across the hall from us, our neighbors.
How do you do, sir.
I mean, glad to know you, Barney.
Glad to know you.
Oh, Fred, you didn't have to pretend with me.
Well, you being the big shot, I don't know Oh, nonsense.
Imagine you putting up a front for your old partner, Barney.
I guess it was kind of silly.
What do you say we all sit down and have some cake? Oh, thank goodness! My feet are killing me! (laughing) RICKY: Hey, that cake looks good, huh? Doesn't that look good? Hey, Ricky, you should have heard the number Barney and Fred did.
It was so great! Yeah? Barney, would you and Fred do another one ? Would you mind? Would they mind? Would a small boy mind going to the circus? Well, we might be talked into it.
Remember the song we closed the act with? Do I? I want a girl just like the girl That married dear old Dad She was a pearl And the only girl that Daddy ever had A good old-fashioned girl with heart so true One who'll love nobody else but you, ooh I want a gal just like the gal That married dear old Dad.
(cheering) I told you, Fred.
You can't fix that thing by just tightening it up.
You got to take that whole handle off to fix it.
All right, all right.
Now, you know all about it, you fix it.
Well, you're the landlord, aren't you? You fix it.
Besides, I don't want to get my hands dirty.
Well, that's swell.
That's swell.
There now! If anybody can open that door from the outside without a key, I'll eat it.
Oh! oh, Fred.
Oh, hi, Fred.
We got a surprise for you.
Wait till you hear what happened.
What? Wait till you hear.
We just had a letter from Barney's daughter.
Yeah, what is it all about? Well, we had this idea We? I had the idea.
Well, okay, Lucy had this idea to wire Barney's daughter and ask if the little grandson could come to New York and stay with us.
And surprise Barney! Gee, that's a great idea! Yeah.
When is he coming? Oh, we got so excited, we didn't finish the letter.
"Thank you so much for your kind invitation "for little Barney to visit New York and see his granddad.
"He is all excited about seeing his famous grandfather perform during his New York engagement.
" New York engagement? Oh, she must have misunderstood.
"I'm putting him on the midnight train tonight "and he will arrive in New York Thursday afternoon at the Pennsylvania station at" That's today! Why, sure it is! Gee, won't Barney get a kick out of this? I bet he will.
(doorbell buzzing) Somebody's here.
LUCY: We'll have to pick him up.
Oh, eh, eh, B-B-Barney! Hello! Come on in.
Glad to see you.
Hi, Barney.
Glad to see you.
Oh, uh, Fred, I knocked on your door.
There wasn't any answer, so I came over here.
Well, sit down, Barney.
Sit down.
I've got something to tell you.
I should have told you before.
I, uh I'm an awful phony.
What do you mean? Well, I haven't been in Europe all these years starring in vaudeville.
I've been living in New York.
I'm a cook in a restaurant up in the Bronx.
Oh, no! Oh, my goodness.
This is terrible.
Now, I'm sorry I upset you.
Now, please don't be mad.
No, no, Barney.
We're not mad at you.
We'd never get mad at you.
It's just that when we found out you couldn't go to Indiana, we wired your daughter to send your grandson on to New York to stay with us.
Oh, no! Oh, I have to wire them not to come.
It's too late.
He's on his way.
Oh Oh, this is a fine mess.
Yeah, Ethel, some lousy idea you had.
I had? Okay, okay, doesn't matter whose idea it was.
Now, the point is that you've gotten Barney into a jam.
Now, we've got to figure a way to get him out of it.
Yeah.
Listen, Barney, could you get Huh? a couple of days off from the restaurant? Well yes.
Now, listen, now you take a room at a hotel, show the little fellow around New York city and he'll never know the difference.
RICKY: Yeah! Sure! No, no, no, it won't work.
Why not? Because I haven't got a dime.
I've been sending all my money home for the little fellow.
I've been wanting to educate him.
Besides, I I told him I was performing in New York and I couldn't come to visit him.
That's what she must have meant in the letter.
Yeah.
I can explain to my daughter.
She'd understand.
But how am I going to tell little Barney that his grandfather, his famous grandfather isn't famous after all? Just a has-been.
I had a friend of mine send him a lot of postcards from all over Europe.
The same ones they sent to you.
Mm-mm.
He wants to grow up and be like his granddaddy.
He thinks I'm kind of special.
Barney Hmm? you're going to be performing when that little fella gets to New York.
What do you mean? Where? Ricky, tell him where.
Yeah! Where? At the Tropicana! Yeah, at the Tropicana! Sure! Wait, wait a minute.
I haven't been on the stage in years.
I can't do anything.
Oh, honey, sure you can! We'll all help you.
Yeah.
What do you mean? Oh, we'll do that old bathing bit that you did on the quayside.
That's a good idea.
There's a part in it for all of us! Can I be in it, too? Sure! Sure! Oh, boy! (talking excitedly) (upbeat music playing) Well, Barney, old boy, are you ready? Is the show going to start now? Right now! Oh, boy! Sit right there.
All right! (band playing fanfare) (cymbals clashing) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're wondering why the Tropicana looks kind of different tonight, with a curtain and everything, it's because we're putting a very special kind of a show, featuring a very special kind of a gentleman.
He's an internationally famous entertainer, Mr.
Barney Kurtz.
That's my grandpa! (Ricky and others laugh) That's right! And here's our guest of honor, Barney's grandson, little Barney.
Let's give him a nice, big hand, everybody.
Yeah.
Take a bow.
RICKY: Come on, take a bow! Attaboy! (applause) Well, you're really going to enjoy the show because his grandfather is going to do an act that he used to do with Fred Mertz about 30 years ago.
And in this act, they're going to be assisted by Lucy Ricardo, Ethel Mertz and yours truly.
So, here we go now to Atlantic City on the boardwalk! (band playing lilting introduction) (both whistling) Well, hello! Hello, stranger! Are you here for the convention? For the dairymen's convention.
Good for you! I'm from, uh, Wisconsin.
And I am from Illinois, sir.
That's a mighty nice part of the country.
What hotel are you stopping at? Hotel? I'm only going to be here three days! (guffawing) (wolf whistle) Hey, you see what I see? A couple of good-lookers.
Well, aren't they! (music begins) We came to this convention We didn't know a soul Headed for the boardwalk, going for a stroll Just a couple of visiting dairymen We were feeling lonesome when I found a peach on the beach at Atlantic City And there's a peach for each, and they are pretty Mother told us she would scold us If we spoke to a masher If you don't stop, sir, we'll call a cop, sir And he'll come on the run and settle your hash, sir.
MEN: Now have no fear, little dear, I've the best intention you'll hear no bum steer at the dairymen's convention It may seem bold, but it must be told You've got me dilly-dallied Give me a kiss, you'll never miss.
Sure! Sure! Saltwater taffy?! Taffy?! Ha, ha! MEN: I found a peach upon the beach, the apple of my eye I'll cling to the peach I found on the beach Until the day I die I'd give up my money Oh? Oh? I'd give up my life! Oh? Oh? MEN: For you, I'd even give up my wife! Your wife? Your wife? If I had one.
If I had one.
Oh! Oh! ALL: Oh, we'd make a pair, a wonderful pair We'd make a peach of a pair MEN: Don't mean a lemon ALL: We'd make a wonderful pair! (song ends, applause) Well my little cutie, would you enjoy a mint smash? Not on your tin type.
(giggling) If you'll excuse us, we're going in bathing.
Well, do you mind if we join ya? It's a free ocean! (guffawing) (wolf whistle) This is the best convention I ever was to! Me, too! Ha, ha! (upbeat intro playing) By the sea, by the sea By the beautiful sea You and I, you and I Oh, how happy we'll be When each wave comes a-rolling in We will duck or swim And we'll both have full a mouth of water! Over and under and then up for air Pa is rich, Ma is rich, so what do we care? I'd love to be beside her side by the sea Beside the seaside, by the beautiful sea.
I'd love to be beside Beside the sea, the seaside, by the beautiful sea! I'd love to be beside Beside the sea, beside the sea Beside the seaside, by the beautiful sea! (band playing finale) (song ends) (applause) (audience laughing) (audience laughing harder) (women shrieking with delight) Oh, look at his muscles! Hey, hey, what's the idea?! We saw these cuties first! Yeah.
Why don't you get a dolly of your own? It isn't my fault.
What do you mean it isn't your fault? (piano playing) I hate to talk about myself, but here's one time I must Your confidence I'll trust I have to speak or bust It's funny how I get the girls, I never try at all I seem to hypnotize them I'm bound to make them fall They go wild, simply wild over me (drumbeats) They go mad, just as mad as they can be (drumbeats) No matter where I'm at, all the ladies thin or fat The tall ones, the small ones, I grab them up like that Every night how they fight over me I don't know what it is that they can see The ladies look at me and sigh (sighing) (sighing) In my arms, they want to die They go wild, simply wild, and they're hopelessly helplessly Frantic romantically, wild, simply wild over me! (sprightly music playing) (applause) (song ends) On the boardwalk in Atlantic City I found what I waited for In romantic, enchanting Atlantic City Down by the old New Jersey shore.
(applause) (music) (applause continuing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.