Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s04e05 Episode Script

You need, like, is this seven hands to do this.
Ow! Uh-oh, men, has this ever happened to you? You're a good guy, but you're frustrated with your life, Your family, or a piece of cheap swedish furniture.
Of course it has! You're constantly seething with impotent rage.
Hi, i'm martin daniels, of martin daniels products, And i'm introducing new punchables! It's the first product ever invented that allows you To fruitlessly punch a wall while doing limited damage To both the wall and the skeleture of your hand! Using our unpatented "dish sponge" technology, Punchables absorb and distribute impact.
That's salt, marco.
Now, that didn't hurt so much, did it? I mean, it hurt a little.
And get a load of these other satisfied customer.
My dad never told me that he was proud of me, Which makes me a moderate anger case.
But i'm also a renter.
With punchables, i can vent my endless frustration And still get my security deposit back.
You mean the security deposit i loaned you.
Why don't you ever tell me you love me?! This is why your mother left.
Thanks, punchables.
And now for the man on the go, there's new portable punchables! I'm a sales rep, and i travel a lot.
Despite constant temptation, I can't help but be loyal to my dumb wife, And it infuriates me.
With portable punchables, I'm able to take out my useless bullshit on any wall anywhere.
Hey.
Hey.
I was wondering if you wanna come have a drink in my room? I can't, but Um, maybe some other time? Yeah, thanks.
Ahh! Thanks, punchables! I think you could have banged her Without getting caught, but you're welcome! Punchables! Puncha Good day to you, sir.
How may i help you? The barber said i have "delirium of the bowels," But the bloodletting's just made it worse.
Well, you've come to the right place, sir.
No need for any more barbaric or outdated procedures.
Our chief of surgery and his team, They are the best in the nation.
If you come right this way.
Dr.
Thackery, i have your next patient here.
Then the game is on.
junior! The patient is a 38-year-old man With an acute infection in his lower bowel.
Untreated, his condition will quickly deteriorate.
I'll make an incision thusly.
Ahh.
And then operate using a revolutionary method Of my own design.
Nurse elkins, scalpel.
Pulse increasing.
Scissors.
Pulse stability dropping! We're losing him, thackery.
Let's hope to god this works.
we've lost his pulse! thackery, it's over.
No! He just needs more glue! We've lost him.
Damn it! You're not supposed to have those before dinner.
Shut up! I want more pixy stix! Oh, dear.
Right this way.
Dr.
Thackery, in light of today's Events The board of directors saw fit To hire an additional chief of surgery.
Like hell! The knick is mine! Dr.
Thackery, please.
Mine! No, it is mine.
Mine! Mine! Doctors, doctors, doctors! In this hospital, we share.
We share.
is this a bad time? Hello, john.
Amy? Who got your nose? After we parted ways, It was ravaged by cooties.
We can sew your face to your arm.
Sew my face to my arm? That's the cure? Yeah.
Are you looking at my nose? right this way, amy, Already looking good.
Awesome.
That is so cool.
Cool.
how did you do that? Great job.
So that's that's it? I just Stay like this with my face attached to my arm? You guys are here 'cause you're, you're walking me out or Yup.
Yup.
Oh, and don't pull your Arm out.
It'll, like, rip it off.
Any sort of home care, i should Worry about or Nope.
Just go.
All right.
All right, bye.
We're gonna keep in touch, all right, or Yeah.
Okay.
oh, you guys, it does not look weird? no, no, no.
'cause it feels weird, I mean, it honestly Ow! Ooh Ooh.
Be careful! Bye! Thanks, girls, for doing this with me.
Ohh Stop.
You know, my sponsor said in order for me to be sober, I have to avoid temptation.
Good.
it's totally our pleasure.
I mean, we don't have to always meet up at a bar.
Yeah, and we went to one before we came here anyway.
Yeah, and we're gonna go to one after, so Yeah, definitely.
It's not a big deal.
Oh Ooh, who's that? Yeah, are you gettin' some? Ooh I wish, it's my dog walker Telling me i need more baggies.
My phone is dry as [BLEEP.]
Are you guys getting any? Uh Oh, my god.
Nothing.
Nada.
No, i don't even remember what a dick looks like.
Are they round? Are there spikes coming out of them? Seriously, i haven't gotten laid in forever.
You have no idea, it's like i'm a virgin again.
My hymen has basically grown back.
Same.
It's been so long, It's like i have vaginal atrophy.
Like, check this out.
Ow Oh, my god.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
No, i feel nothing.
Oh.
Well, you know what, gymnasts use my pussy To, like, clap their hands on Before they go on the uneven bars.
I can't even talk about this.
My lady parts look like a wasteland.
You know, they shot "mad max" down there.
Oh.
The original one.
Oh.
My pussy's, like, at risk of, like, a forest fire right now.
You can't smoke within 500 yards of it.
am i, like, even a woman at this point? It's like a "frasier" marathon between my legs.
Oh, stop, seriously? Like, if my pussy had a voice, It would sound like terry gross With just a mouthful of crackers.
It'd just be, like My pussy is so angry, it's trolling me on twitter.
Oh.
Some of that stuff's really hurtful.
My pubes left, they just up and left.
Like, they just moved to california To start a better life.
They didn't even leave a note, they just, like They just bounced.
I'm so sorry.
Well, i'm having the opposite experience.
My pubes are so overgrown, my pussy Is a "beast of no nation.
" I just love child soldiers.
So cute.
My asshole's on fire, though.
Oh, my god, so stretched out.
Can't even sit down.
My taint looks like a chew toy.
Do you think this needs more blue? Hmm What was your favorite episode of "sex and the city"? I don't have a favorite episode of that.
They're all your favorite? None of 'em.
Why? No, because they're just broads, like, running around Being promiscuous.
You're gonna say that to me and bridget? Hello? You're not like them.
You mean, we dress better and we're thinner.
No.
And you have personality.
Yeah, we got personality for weeks! Oh, that's right, cheers.
We're gonna have the best time of our lives today.
Yes.
Okay? Didn't i tell you, okay? Yeah.
You are such a good friend, and i You know, this annulment is really taking a toll on me.
And i'm, i'm just I am so glad that you got the tickets! Oh, no, look, this is why we're in new york, right? Right.
We are going on this tour.
And i am so glad that i bought you these tickets With my money that i worked for.
All right, ladies! Are you ready to see the places From your favorite scenes from your favorite show, "sex and The city"! "sex and the city," that's right! I can't, i can't, i can't, i can't, i can't.
who's with me? we went for a walk, but we are first.
We were here, but we went for a walk.
Are you excited for your "sex and the city" tour today? All right, when i say sex, you say and the city.
Sex.
And the city! Sex! And the city! You guys get it.
Okay, does anyone recognize where we are? Is this where carrie decided That she didn't want to marry aiden? Definitely! Good guess.
Actually, this is where steve and miranda Finally tied the knot in a small, but tasteful ceremony.
Ohh Oh, okay.
Oh, i want that for me someday again.
This is a really good tour i bought you.
oh, oh, my gosh, is that where carrie Put on those hoop earrings and that doo rag, And then she made everybody feel racially uncomfortable? Yes! With the hoops, yeah, definitely.
no, these are the courts where steve played basketball.
That's one of the many great things about steve.
He played basketball, cool.
He also owns a bar, that's cool.
So cute, i love that.
Oh, okay.
And let's not forget, he is reliable.
All right, he's short, i'll give you that.
The glasses? Yeah.
But always reliable.
Is that magnolia bakery where carrie told miranda About a huge crush while scarfing down One of that bakery's signature cupcakes? definitely.
Are we gonna get cupcakes? No, we're not, and nobody look over Do not look over there! That is not part of our tour, okay? Actually, if you look right over there, That's the area where steve Was once carrying groceries in the rain And the bottom fell out of the bag.
Stuff went everywhere, It led to a lot of shenanigans.
That sucks.
I don't remember that.
I remember that.
It was actually it was deleted From the deleted scenes.
Ooh, deleted scenes.
Is this tour just gonna be all about steve? Yeah, um, it was this tour was $6 cheaper, So, altogether $12 cheaper, so But it won't be all about steve, you know, right? Come on.
Okay.
oh, the doctor's office! This is where charlotte found out that she couldn't have kids.
Definitely! Wrong, that was wrong.
This is actually where miranda's housekeeper magda Got her bone medicine.
Ooh, magda! And then every tuesday, steve would pick her up.
Super solid, classic steve behavior.
Big would never do that.
Big would never do that! Big! See, this is still really heavily about steve.
Next stop, ladies, grab your panties Because we're gonna see where charlotte and her gay friend Go shopping for blouses! But before that, We're gonna see where samantha got in the ass! Yeah! I say cosmos, you say anal.
Cosmos! Anal! Cosmos! Anal! Cosmos! Anal! Cosmos! Anal! This sucks.
We want to see where samantha got in the ass, too! Yeah Yeah, we do.
Guys! Samantha was a one-note character! All she did was get all the time! Steve is the only character on the show with any layers.
You turn to steve when you need some laughs.
You turn to steve when you need some pathos, okay? He owned a bar! He was a good dad, all right? He even had cancer! Samantha got cancer, too.
She knew what she was paying for! Happy annulment.
Six more dollars.
So, who's ready to visit the home of janet miller.
She's the mother of one of the four sets of twins Who portrayed steve's son, brady hobbes? Oh, we are! this is fun, and i don't regret it! Have you ever changed the way you act around certain guys.
Like, you sort of have to flirt with them To get what you want out of them? Look, i never know when someone's attracted to me.
Like, it's really bad.
Like, when do you realize they're attracted to you? Uh, when they're me out, but Should we have sex? It's up to you.
I definitely want to.
Okay, i can Oh, wow, you've got condoms.
Oh, yeah, they're left over from my ex.
Is that weird? No, it's not like i think you're a virgin or anything.
No, definitely not.
It's kind of nice not to have to jump through a bunch of hoops To get you into it.
Kinda.
Will you excuse me one moment? Sure.
Where you going? I'm just gonna go make sure there's no, like, Stray toilet paper in my pussy.
Oh, cool.
Greta I'm about to sleep with this guy and i, like, really like him.
What do i do? First of all, get the toilet paper out of your pussy.
I know, no, i, i mean, I'm getting mixed signals in, like, what he wants.
Anal, he wants anal.
No, i mean like the madonna or the whore thing.
Just read his vibe.
He'll communicate to you.
Okay.
Oh, okay, so, should i not put on this bag? Um, well, i mean, I definitely don't have anything.
So, you don't want me to wear this? Look, okay, this is so embarrassing.
I've never not used a condom.
It might be neat to Try without it once.
Okay, cool.
All right.
Are you nervous? About what? That it'll hurt, dummy.
So nervous.
Oh, well, i'll take it easy on you.
Please, just How long has it been? Oh A month? Uh, uh, a month and six months, Seven months.
Wow, that's a long time.
It's so long.
How many guys have you been with? Two doz Does that count, two guys? Two? Like, is that a lot? Oh, man, i love girls like you.
You're like a diamond in the rug.
When i met you at that after-hours party For that bartending class, I kind of thought you were, like, a dirty girl.
But you're like a little baby sheep.
Basically.
What do you want, dirty girl? I don't know Well, i want you to me so h Softly.
So softly, bunny slopes.
Okay, yeah.
Bunny, okay.
Oh, nice and easy.
Yeah, okay.
Wait, wait.
I wanna look at you.
Will you strip for me? Yeah i'm pretty naked already.
You want me to put my clothes back on? Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Put on the coat, too.
You want me to put the coat on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you put the hood up? Oh, yeah.
How are you so good at this? I'm not, i just I mean, i took, like, A pole dancing class once at crunch.
I'm, like, awkward.
Erm.
Erm, i don't know what i'm doing.
Oh-ho.
Bla.
Oh, come here, you filthy angel.
Get ready for this, you sweet, innocent whore bag.
Okay, i'm sorry.
I don't understand what you want.
Do you want the madonna or the whore? Yeah.
Which one? Both.
Look, it's not hard to understand.
I need you to be like a sexual "good will hunting.
" You've no formal education, But then you see my dick and you just get it.
Now, i need you to be, like, a combination of, like, Hermione from the third movie and nicki minaj.
You're, like, dora the explorer, But your passport's filled to the brim.
Right, you're, like, maria from "the sound of music," But also the sex nazi from "indiana jones.
" Also, would it kill you to do a boston accent? i'm gonna get you wicked hard.
Perfect.
Did i cum? Did you what? So, mary alice, you are a nun.
yes, i am.
Let's talk about it.
Okay.
So, uh, do you know "how do you solve a problem like maria?" In a way, people could say i am like a maria.
You are totally like a maria.
yeah.
You don't seem, like, how we picture a nun.
Like, you don't you're not wearing a habit.
Where's your habit? Here's my pin.
Oh, you got a pin? Yeah, i got a pin.
Okay, that checks out.
That checks out.
That checks out.
You can come behind the rope.
Um, what called you to This journey, this life? Um You know, i entered the convent in 1958.
And, um How old were you? to be a do-gooder.
In those days, you became a nurse, you got married Or you were a secretary.
Yeah.
Or you became a nun.
And i became the nun.
That actually sounds good of that list.
Yeah, that's right.
Did you ever date anyone? Yes, i was engaged to be married prior to entering.
When you were 17 or 18? And i entered the convent 'cause i knew i could get out of that And i couldn't get out of the marriage.
I'm catholic, you know.
That's right, that's why you went Uh, you're great.
I'm gonna take a vow of celibacy, peace.
Did i understand what it was? No.
-Yeah.
But did i take it? Yes.
Yeah.
So, your last relationship with someone other than god was Now, have i had male friends in between? Yes.
Have you made out? No.
You're not even allowed to make out? No.
Well, i guess you could but you might get in trouble After you do that, yeah.
You could get in trouble, right.
Are nuns allowed to have orgasms? Oh, to masturbate, you mean, uh If you're gonna follow the letter of the law -Yeah.
And the church guideline, it would be a no-no.
It would be a no-no.
I'm not gonna go and ask anybody if they're having one Or not having them I hear ya.
Or if they're doing it or why.
That's on them.
Yeah.
That's in them.
If it works.
Um, did you ever have doubts? Have you ever thought about leaving? Yes, often.
How often? When i was in my 30s, it was very hard.
-Why? You know, you didn't know if you wanted to jump into bed With the next person that came along or, uh You're singing my song, sister.
Coming or going or being a parent.
But i don't know a lot of people That can follow their dreams.
I don't know a lot of people That aren't worried about their 401k.
Yeah.
And they're the gifts that i have.
Hearing you explain that does make a lot of sense.
And i would've never thought of it that way.
Yeah.
-Um, you seem like you'd be really hard to shock, And i'm definitely not gonna try, but do you When you're around, like, we're in a bar.
When you're around family or friends, And they're drinking or maybe smoking pot or something, How do you feel being near that? Well, fine.
It's a party, i'm irish.
Oh.
We have family members that own bars.
-Right.
But you're not gonna be on anyone's shoulders At the st.
Patty's day parade in times square.
No, right, yeah.
Right.
What is something you would want people to know About nuns that they don't? That we're real.
Yeah.
I don't think we're any different than anybody else.
-Yeah.
We have warts like everybody else.
Right, but not the kind that i got in college.
no.
You missed out, girl.
and could you do one more when you say, "my taint looks like a chew toy"? Right? solid.
Ugh.
My Amy, wait.
so easy.