Inside No. 9 (2014) s04e05 Episode Script

I'm not late, am I? No, no, we're still waiting on a few people.
Help yourself to a beverage.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
I'll just have a black coffee, please.
- OK.
- Oh, no, no.
Jackie doesn't work here.
She's our member of the public.
She's actually on the jury.
Gosh, sorry.
I didn't mean to Oh, that's all right, I don't mind! I'm Clive Carol.
Pleased to meet you.
Clive's one of our finest writers, aren't you? He won the Breakthrough Talent Award for television drama.
When was this? - Oh, a couple of years ago.
- 2003, wasn't it? Was it that long ago? Yeah, I suppose it was, actually.
Now, obviously you'll know Rupert.
Have you two worked together? No, I'd love to.
Huge fan.
Hello.
And this is Gordon Norris.
We know each other.
Hi, Gordon.
It's all a bit bloody pointless, if you ask me.
We already know who's going to win, don't we? What's she called, the girl who's in everything? Shona Andrews.
Let's not prejudge.
There's a long way to go yet.
Gordon, I don't know if you've had a chance to have a quick read of that script I sent through? No, I haven't, Clive.
I'm in post on Doctor Who and I'm prepping the new Jimmy Nesbitt vehicle, so I'm a little tied up at the moment.
Yeah, it's just that Sky are really, really interested.
And, you know, script by me, directed by you, that's a really good package.
Yes, Clive.
It's on the list, but it's, er It's not for now.
Absolutely.
I agree.
Whatever you say.
Oh, it's here, April! We're in here! Hello, everybody.
Oh, and I'm Paula and I'm the couch.
Rupert? God, you're here? Oh, you got old! Oh, have you met? What was your name, sweetheart? Yes, I know Rupert.
I've interviewed him on several occasions.
- Hello, again.
- Hello.
- Who is this? - Got no idea.
Right well, we are all met, so shall we make a start as there's a huge amount to get through? Can I suggest we begin in time-honoured fashion by just going around the room and saying who we are and what we do? So, I'm Giles Grindlay-Orme, and I am Associate Chair of the Television Committee here at the Academy.
I'm June Bright and I'm an alcoholic.
No! I'm a journalist and TV critic for the Sunday Mirror.
Rupert Dennis, actor, treader of boards, now old, apparently.
Oh, is it me? I'm Jackie.
I'm a dentist's receptionist.
I've never done anything like this before.
I won a competition.
Yes, I should point out the Academy thought it was very important to hear the voice of the viewer.
So, this year each jury has a member of the public giving us the benefit of their unique insight.
Gordon? Oh, yes.
Gordon Norris.
Film and TV director.
Clive Carol, scribbler, dreamer.
Also a member of the public.
I did win the Breakthrough Talent Award.
Yada, yada, yada! I'm Paula, you all know me.
And I'm here doing a West End show.
And I've got a costume fitting at four, so we'd better, you know Oh, absolutely, thank you, Paula.
So, we are here to judge the Best Actress category.
I have to ask that you have all watched the performances up for consideration this year and that there are no conflicts of interest that may colour your judgment.
Right, well, let's begin.
As you know, we have a long list of eight names, which we need to whittle down to four nominees.
I'm sure we can get rid of a few of these pretty quickly.
Zoe Chappell? No.
No.
No.
She's off the list.
Tina Waddingham, anyone? - She was good.
- Not for me.
No, me neither.
Yeah, I don't think it's her year.
As I thought.
What about Brenda Dobbie? No! Ok.
That's pretty clear.
Poor Brenda.
- Kelly Marsden? - Absolutely not.
I don't understand how she even got on the list.
I've interviewed Kelly.
She's a very clever girl, believe me.
Very ambitious.
Can we keep the discussion just to her acting ability, please? Well, in that case, I thought she was pretty good.
- I liked her.
- Well, that's good enough for me.
Samira Denham? Terrible.
Too young.
Well, you know, Samira can be good.
She just needs a good director.
I don't know what was going on with her acting.
She was supposed to be doing Cockney.
She sounded like she was Australian.
Yeah, she's shit.
It was like, you know, "Go down the apples and pears and get me some jellied eels!" I'm just agreeing with you, Gordon.
Yeah, that is so true.
Well, she's gone.
So, by my reckoning that leaves us with a shortlist of Shona Andrews, Dame Dorothy Sutton, Kelly Marsden and Anna Adeyemi.
Is everyone happy with these four as our nominees? Yes.
Good.
Well, that was painless.
So, what we'll do now is discuss each one in turn, then you'll all get a chance to vote anonymously to determine the winner.
I myself will remain impartial.
OK, let's kick off with Shona.
Who wants to start? Jackie! Just brilliant.
She's always brilliant, isn't she? You could watch her in anything.
She did that thing a couple of years ago when she was a nurse.
- What was that called? - Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Look, I mean, I've never worked with her.
But the camera loves her.
She's got that 360 range and she's always, always committed.
- I think she nailed it.
- Paula, would you agree? Shona Andrews stole my heart.
Moving, truthful, devastating.
This was a different kind of role for her, wasn't it? Just talk a little bit about that.
Well, this was a different kind of role for her, totally different.
She played, er Madam Curry.
Marie Curie.
Yes, the woman who invented the radio.
And I totally bought it, the whole package.
Yeah, she is what I call one of the anointed.
She can do no wrong.
And even though she was 30 years too young for the part, I have to admit she was really very good.
Well, what does it matter how old she is? She brought Marie Curie to life for me.
I mean, it was a very dry and boring subject, but my ex-partner and I sat there transfixed.
I never even knew Marie Curie was a real person.
I thought it was a magazine.
And that made it even more .
.
Better, if that's not a stupid thing to say.
No.
No, no, it isn't, not at all.
It's exactly that kind of observation we were hoping to get from you, Jackie.
Well done.
I have a problem with this actress.
She mumbles.
I couldn't make out half of what she said.
Having said that, I was a blubbering wreck by the end.
A remarkable performance.
- I agree.
- Oh, great.
- Can we go now? - No, no, no.
We have to discuss all the nominees, but let's just put a big tick for now and move on to Dame Dorothy.
Rupert? I'm guessing you had no problems with her diction? Absolutely not.
Clear as a bell.
I've got a lot of time for Dotty.
We came up through the RSC together.
Isn't that a conflict of interest? No, we were on nodding terms, that's all.
She did a lot of nodding, from what I heard.
- Let's just - What's that supposed to mean? Come on, Rupert.
You and Dame Dotty do have a history.
You can't deny it.
I don't think a handjob in the car park of the Dirty Duck in 1976 is going to cloud my judgment.
Well, it does colour things slightly.
Oh, come off it, she did it for everybody! Well, let's not Robin Nedwell, Brian Glover I think we're going a little bit off-piste there.
But for the sake of complete impartiality, why don't you sit out on this one, Rupert, if you don't mind? Fine.
Mumbling girl's going to win it anyway.
Paula? Dorothy Sutton stole my heart.
She was perfectly cast in the role, which saw her transform from waspish librarian to warm-hearted widow with all the skill of a seasoned pro.
Hang on, that's my review! I wrote that for the Sunday Mirror.
Great minds think alike.
Paula, you have watched all these performances, haven't you? Sure, sure, my agent set me up with all the links.
OK.
Gordon, what did you think? Yeah, I mean, yeah, she's a national treasure and she's given a lot of people a lot of pleasure over the years.
Some more than others, apparently.
But I feel in this case she was let down by the script, which just didn't seem to go anywhere original.
Yeah, I agree.
I agree, because the script should take you on a journey, shouldn't it? So if you read episode one, you really want to know what happens in episode two, and there are many more ideas that can be explored there.
I will read it, Clive.
Brilliant, no worries.
Let's just remember what this award is for, Best Actress, and we should be focusing on just the elements of performance.
Jackie, let's get the view from the sofa, as it were.
Are you a Dame Dotty fan? I love her.
She really reminds me of my grandma.
Apart from the wanking men off in car parks bit.
But she's always so funny and so .
.
Twinkly, if that's a word? It is.
It is a word.
But it's interesting, because the character she's played here, Mrs Crabbe, is actually quite cantankerous and sour to begin with, isn't she? Yeah.
And that's what makes her a good actress, because she's not like that in real life, is she? She doesn't suffer fools, put it that way.
Yeah, she knows what she wants.
In terms of performance, though, another tick.
Right, next up is Kelly Marsden.
Who wants to talk about Kelly? Kelly Marsden stole my heart.
- What, again? - Yes.
All these girls are real, moving.
I don't want to choose between them, but we have to, right? Yes, but based on the performances that we have all definitely seen.
Absolutely.
But let me just say one thing here.
You cannot judge between this cup of coffee or this cup of coffee or this cup of coffee.
This is tea.
Whatever.
All I mean is all these girls are real, moving.
They're all uniquely brilliant and you cannot sit in judgment of these performances.
Of course we bloody can - that's what we're here for.
Well, there speaks a man who's never been up for an award, - because if you had - Excuse me! Because if you had, you would know to be entered into a race you did not choose to enter, and then to lose to Jessica Lange Well, that hurts.
Period.
And I know, because when I won Breakthrough Talent in 2003 Yeah, Clive, OK Sorry, can I just bring this back to the acting bit? Yes, thank you, Jackie, please do.
This Kelly girl, she made me and my mum cry.
Good.
Not good, but Carry on.
She was just so moving and believable, I totally cared what happened to her.
She is definitely talented.
I mean, you know, she's auditioned for me a couple of times, not got them, obviously, but, I think, I think this has just come a little bit too soon for her.
Is this the flat-chested one? - Didn't like it.
- Rupert! Am I not allowed an opinion on this one either? Look, Kelly's come up through the soaps, and I think they learn a lot of bad habits.
But, getting back to what Gordon said, I think he's right.
I think in a couple of years, we could be looking at a Suranne Jones or a Sarah Lancashire.
But not yet.
I'm with Gordon on this one, I'm afraid.
I wasn't convinced.
If you're going to be addicted to gambling, live on a council estate, you've got to do more than scrape your hair back, paint a love bite on, I'm sorry.
OK, OK, so not the most glowing comments we've had.
I'm just going to put a question mark next to Kelly for now.
Finally, Anna Adeyemi, who played Trish in Channel 4's Clickbait.
Who wants to talk about her? Gordon.
What are you all looking at me for? Just because you are a director and you may well have some thoughts on - The black actress.
- No, no, no, not at all.
She is AN actress nominated for this award.
Oh, so it's not the coloured girl? - What did you - It's The nominee we are discussing is Anna Adeyemi.
Anna Adeyemi stole my heart.
I see what this is.
I see what this I now understand why I'm on the panel.
It's my unique insight into all things black.
Not at all.
You are here because you are a valued industry professional, same as everybody else.
Except Jackie.
Well, we have to have one, don't we? I read it somewhere.
- Isn't that right, Giles? - No, no, no.
- That's not - I just can't believe this.
No, what I meant is, it's a good thing.
We ought to have one.
Bloody hell.
They damn you if you do, damn you if you don't.
Rupert, stop it now.
Look, it is not my fault that Idris Elba didn't make a TV show this year, so you can all tick your little diversity box and have at it.
- Oh, come on! - You know what? This is bullshit.
- I'm leaving.
- No, no, no.
I am leaving! I'm leaving! We need you on this panel.
Hear, hear.
Fine.
Fine, Giles.
But let it be known that I do not want to go first in this discussion.
Understood.
Thank you.
Clive.
What did you think of Anna's performance? I think she .
.
Was .
.
Brilliant.
Actually.
It's a very contemporary story, very well told.
She brought great authenticity to that world, it was fantastic.
- Jackie.
- Again, really, really good.
I actually couldn't see her acting.
And that really added to the storyline, in my eyes.
Well, we already know what Paula thinks.
June.
I've always loved her.
I've given her two thumbs up in the past.
Isn't that a conflict-of-interest? I'd be very happy if she got this award.
Rupert, what did you make of Anna? Truthfully, I wasn't that impressed, I'm afraid to say.
Another mumbler.
I found her very wooden, unsympathetic, woefully miscast.
I'm sorry, but there it is.
All right.
And, er .
.
Finally, Gordon.
I Well, I have to say that I agree with, erm .
.
With Rupert.
I thought she was out of her depth.
She didn't quite have the emotional range and I felt that she fell far short of what was required.
Yep, I agree.
Can see that.
Wait a minute, you said you thought she was brilliant, like, a second ago.
Well, I'm allowed to change my mind.
Gordon's made some really interesting points.
And how could you say she lacked the emotional range? She went through the mill in this.
I don't know, June.
How could you say my direction of Hotel Babylon gave you a headache? I never said that.
"Gordon Morris directs like a toddler with ADHD and his showy camera moves 'had me reaching for the paracetamol - in the first ten minutes.
" - I think that's Like I said, Gordon, it's water under the bridge.
It doesn't matter.
Yeah it doesn't matter, cos nothing that you do matters, June.
What's that supposed to mean? - You don't have to answer that, Gordon.
- No, I want to answer it.
- Let him speak.
- You, you are a parasite.
Jackie has more to contribute than you.
Leave it, honey.
You only ever remember your bad reviews.
You must have a bloody good memory.
Fuck you, you withered asshole.
All right, everybody, please, let's just, er Let's just calm down.
I suggest we take a five-minute break, come back.
And, if we can, choose a winner.
Just going for a pee and a ciggy.
I'm sorry about that, old chap.
Crossed wires, I think.
- No offence.
- It's fine.
Jesus.
Bit awkward, wasn't it? Yeah, he's apologised, it's fine.
Just so you know, there's going to be lots of diversity in Blood Oranges.
- Blood Oranges? - My script.
- I know you haven't read it.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, I haven't.
Well, when you do, just bear in mind that any of the characters could be .
.
diversified.
What do you mean? Just that if there's anything you don't like or you don't agree with, I don't mind changing it.
Clive, you're not supposed to feel that about your own script.
You're supposed to be protective of it.
I want a writer that totally believes in their work.
But I am, I do.
But, equally, I don't mind completely changing it if it means it'll get made.
You all right? Yes.
Just having a little think.
So, how did you win this competition, Jackie? I had to write a pretend review of a programme.
what did you choose? - Bake Off.
- Oh, yeah, I reviewed that once.
I did the whole thing as if it were a recipe.
Take two ripe presenters, that sort of thing.
Sounds good.
I'd love to have your job.
Do you enjoy it? Well, I'm invited to every premiere.
I'm at every awards ceremony.
I get to walk the red carpet alongside the stars.
I get to visit the sets of all my favourite TV shows, sitting in the corner.
Watching these .
.
amazing things.
And I've got nothing to do with any of it.
He's right.
I'm the loneliest woman in the world.
So, Paula, how's the play going? It's a piece of shit, honey.
What theatre are you in? the Trafalgar Studios, that's West End, right? Yes, technically.
- Who's directing it? - Nobody, that's the problem.
But we'll get through it.
That's what we do.
So, um, I've just been speaking to your agent.
She said she did send through a link to the viewing portal.
That's right.
She also gave you some notes about each of the nominees.
What are you getting at, Giles? Shit, or get off the pot.
Just that it is a requirement, as per the declaration you signed, that you have actually watched the performances we're discussing.
Don't worry about that.
I know all these bitches.
I don't know who they are, but they're types.
The star, the dame, the girl next door, and the ingenue.
- I don't think - Honey, I vote in the Academy Awards.
I picked the best film nine times in the past ten years, and I've never seen a motherfucking one of those movies.
So trust me, hmm? I got this.
I've just bumped into Wayne Sleep.
He's on the panel for Reality and Constructed Factual, whatever that is.
I'll tell you what that is.
That is a continuing drama without the need of a scriptwriter, apparently.
It's like improv, with real people.
What, you mean they give you an award for eavesdropping? I'm afraid so, yeah.
Right, well, shall we all reconvene? I just want to remind everybody of the categories.
This is Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role.
Now, do we feel like we are perhaps in a position to eliminate a couple of the candidates, turn it into a two-horse race? Absolutely.
Ditch the two younger ones, it's too soon for them.
It'll only screw up their careers.
That's the spirit, Paula.
You were never one for sending the lift back down, were you? Fuck that, they can use the stairs, like I did.
Anyone else agree that we should lose Kelly and Anna? Anna, yes.
Kelly, no.
I dunno, I like them all.
It's so hard, isn't it? Well, can we all at least agree on keeping Shona? Everyone seemed to like her.
Er, yes, just looking at some of the comments, she was "truthful", it was "a remarkable performance", someone said she stole their heart.
I think we all know who that was.
Jackie said she's always brilliant in every part she plays.
Yep, again, anointed.
She's brilliant in everything, she also wins awards for everything.
She won for Best Actress last year, didn't she? She did, but that must not affect our decision.
Wait a minute, she won last year? I didn't know that.
Well, that changes everything.
Yeah, and if I remember rightly, she was hardly in it.
She won it because she's Shona Andrews and it is completely unacceptable to not give her an award if she's been in a programme that year.
Oh come on, that's not fair, she wins because she's an exceptional talent.
I'm not denying that, but equally my heart would sink a little bit if I was watching this on telly and she gets up again.
- He's got a point.
- I agree, it's too much.
Oh, guys, this is rubbish.
All I am saying is can we be the jury that doesn't just hand the award to Shona Andrews simply for existing? Well, let's take a vote.
All those in favour of removing Shona from the list.
Well, that's a majority.
Shona is off the list.
Though still a very great honour to be nominated.
Right, if we could lose one more, that would be great.
let's recap what was said about Anna.
Rupert wasn't impressed, thought she was another mumbler.
Clive said she was fantastic, great authenticity.
Gordon thought she was out of her depth.
Clive then changed his mind and agreed with Gordon.
- I'm allowed.
- Yeah, she's gone, let's wrap this up.
You can't hurry this, these are such important decisions.
Yeah, cos I can't wait to find out who won Constructed Reality Right, well, let's put it this way, then.
Does anybody think Anna gave the best performance? In that case, she's another worthy nominee, but not our winner.
So, it comes down to these two.
Dame Dorothy, "A national treasure", "Twinkly", stole Paula's heart, and Kelly also stole Paula's heart.
- They all did.
- "Very moving", "Flat-chested" - not sure that's really relevant.
A bit soapy, perhaps, but - and this is very important, I think - she did make Jackie and her mum cry.
Well, that just about nails it, then.
So, can we take a quick show of hands, just to get the temperature of the room? All those for Kelly.
And for Dame Dorothy? So, both ladies have three votes each.
Oh, Jesus Christ, I just requested my Uber.
Can we not call them ladies, please? It's really patronising.
- What are they then, kangaroos? - They're actors.
- Well, actresses.
- I don't like that either.
OK, you know what? I switch.
- Sorry? - Who did I vote for? Just change it to the other one.
All right, so now it's four to Kelly and two to Dorothy.
You can't do that, Paula, that's unfair.
Watch me.
Well, hold on, if she's changing to Kelly, I'm changing to Dame Dotty.
- Oh, for goodness' sake.
- So, it's back to three-all.
Yes, I switch to Dorothy as well.
Now that's four to Dorothy and two to Kelly.
For God's sake, Clive, will you stand on your own two feet? - But I'm agreeing with you.
- Well, don't.
I'm not going to do your script, OK? - What? - Blood Oranges, I read it last night.
It's just a rehash of Spooks, it's shit.
Well, which bit? I'll change it.
- All of it.
- Well, I switch to Kelly, then.
You have to respect the process.
And it's three-all again.
Can we just do the final vote, please? Khalid is two minutes away.
Why don't you just give it to Dotty? I thought you already had.
Exactly, his vote shouldn't be counted.
Oh, yes, so that's two to Dorothy and three to Kelly.
What a load of bollocks.
If you don't want the professional opinion, 50 years' experience, you may as well ask some witless couch potato who they want to win.
Well, we do have Jackie with us.
Jackie, is there anything you'd like to add to the debate? No, it's all right.
Every opinion is valid.
Even yours.
I'm not clever like all of you.
I didn't realise you had to think about all these other outside things, like how old they are, or how many other awards they've won .
.
Or who's popular in the industry.
It's not fair on the ladies - sorry, the actors - to have someone like me passing judgment.
I think I'm just going to go and leave you all to it, if you don't mind.
I've made a fool of myself.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that's what happens when you invite the public.
Right, erm, shall we dish out the electronic devices? Remember, these will lock in your final vote.
As there are only five of you left, there's no chance of a tie.
Well, I've got to go.
It's been a pleasure.
If you want a lousy night at the theatre, come to the Trafalgar Studios next month and help me drown my sorrows in the bar afterwards.
Yes, I'd love to do that.
We should swap numbers.
Well, I've got a screening to get to, so, er Keep up the good work, everyone.
Can't wait to see what you all do next.
Anyone fancy a swift debriefing session down at the Coach and Horses? Gordon? No, thanks.
If Shona Andrews passes, let's try Kelly Marsden.
I'll come.
Er, I've not got much cash on me at the moment.
Typical bloody writer, I'll treat you.
There's actually a part in Blood Oranges you would be perfect for, if you wouldn't mind reading it.
- Oh, yes? - It's a 30-year-old Japanese woman at the moment, but I don't mind changing it Sorry, forgot my phone.
Oh, Jackie.
I hope that wasn't too bruising for you.
These artistic types can be fairly temperamental, as I'm sure you're aware.
So, do you know who won? Yes, and I think you'll be satisfied.
Let's just say they voted with their hearts rather than their heads, and part of that is down to you, so well done.
Cheerio.
No, Giles.
It's because I'm the best actress.