It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s04e05 Episode Script
Mac & Charlie Die (1)
Okay, so, just to clarify for the parole board once again, you are claiming that your father threatened to, quote, "eat the living shit out of you".
That is correct.
And Mr.
Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claim that the prisoner told you that if you didn't, and I quote, "jam a bunch of stuff into your butt," he was going to "rape you so hard the room would stink.
" Then, he was going to, quote, "eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink until his stomach was full of your butts.
" - Is this correct? - That is also correct.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Warden, they're lying.
I do not want to hurt them.
In fact, I want to get as far away from those two as I possibly can.
Objection! That's an objection, Your Honor.
Hey, he's lying to you! Move to strike! Move to strike! Quiet! Sit down.
Sit down! He's lying! He is lying! Sit down Get your hands off the microphone.
Just leave it in the middle of the two of you.
Leave it alone.
He said the middle, put it in the middle.
Take your hands off the mic! - Leave it alone.
- That's not the middle.
Leave it there.
Yes.
A few weeks ago, they came to apologize for getting me arrested.
I did not accept their apology.
That never happened! We were friends Shut up! Charlie, shut up! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet at the hearing! Oh, yeah, Dad? Not going to accept our apology? Okay, fine.
Plan B, bitch! We're going to bury you.
Yeah, Mr.
Mac, I'm going to tell those parole board dickheads that you said you were going to rape my butt until the room stinks, and then you're going to eat my butt until your stomach is full of butt.
Full of my butt, and full of Mac's butt.
You're not going to say it exactly like that I'm going to say something like that, yeah.
Sure? That's a lot of butts.
Yeah, I think all the butt madness is really going to sell it.
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia corrections : Sososeries Charlie, I'm telling you, running away is not the answer.
Mac, we're going to need supplies on the road, okay.
So just calm down, help me throw some stuff into the stinking bindle.
Dude, no matter where we go, my dad will find us, and while I admit it would be awesome to be hobos, drifting from town to town, solving mysteries, I think we need to find a real solution.
Oh, my God, how do hobos fit all this stuff into a bandana?! It doesn't make sense, man.
We're going to need, like, a towel or a tablecloth or something, but It's not going to look cool.
We're going to look like assholes Wait a second.
That's it! I got it! I got it! Forget the bindle.
The only way that my dad is not going to kill us, is if he thinks we're already dead.
Oh, great.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Great, let's kill ourselves.
Let's do it.
No.
No, you didn't let me finish.
I don't It's no problem, dude.
I'm totally on board.
Okay, I'm going to grab a knife, I'm going to jab it into your neck, I'll yank it out.
Then your blood's going to start going everywhere.
No, buddy, listen.
And you'll die in five to ten minutes, and then depending on how horrific that looks, I'll probably do it myself, too.
Okay, listen, I was going to say we fake our own death, and then he thinks we're dead, and he leaves us alone.
Yeah, right.
Either way works, dude.
Let's just pick one before he gets here.
Let's pick the second one where we don't actually die.
Calm down! We'll pick the second one.
All right now, let's think.
We got to do it in some way that's convincing, all right.
If we were going to kill ourselves, it'd be awesome, right ? Yeah, yeah.
If we were going to kill ourselves, it would be with class, right, I mean, because we're worth it.
Of course it would be with class! What do you think, I'm not going to die with class? Maybe some type of explosion? Of course there's going to be an explosion.
You think I'm not going to explode? I'm thinking, Charlie, it would be some kind of blaze of glory for you, yes Of course it's going to be a blaze of glory.
I'm going down right now.
No, no, no, okay, hold on a second, okay, all right, so Did I miss something? You're not getting this.
I'll walk you through the steps as we go.
First step: do not douse yourself with lighter fluid.
- What is that? - I don't know.
Do you think it's for watching somebody poop? You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make? What the hell are you guys doing in here? I got to go to the bathroom.
There's a hole in the wall.
We're just trying to figure out what it is.
Well, well, well, Deandra.
Would you look at that.
Frank, Dee, what you two have discovered today is what is most commonly referred to as a glory hole.
A glory hole? A secret portal created as a passage way for one to safely insert one's penis.
I'm sorry, a hole to stick your dick in? The partition acts as a physical barrier, thus ensuring anonymity throughout the spontaneous act of copulation, or fellatio, or at the very least, a hand job.
What? Why? Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see? Well, Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see? It's very European.
Europe leads the way in sexual exploration, and quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.
This sounds hot.
I'm going to go get some duct tape.
Now, hold on a second there, Frank.
Before you go sticking anything through that hole, you might want to consider that on the other side of this wall, more often than not, there's a dude.
But you can't see through the wall, so how do you know it's not a girl? I mean, I could just picture a girl, and then, it's good.
Right, well, some might find that method effective, but it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.
Supposing the other guy is picturing a girl, also.
How's he going to do that with a dick in his mouth? I don't know.
That's his problem.
We're filling it in.
Okay, buddy, you ready? Are you sure we have to do this? Charlie, yes, we have to do this.
Look, if the cops are going to identify the bodies, we need to leave dental records behind, right? So we leave a couple of teeth, bing, bam, boom.
I know.
I feel like it's going to hurt.
Yeah, it's going to hurt like a bitch.
Okay, ready? One, two Wait.
That just kind of came out on its own.
Yeah, that slipped right out, huh? I barely pulled that.
I barely pulled it.
What? Damn, dude! That's another Man, you should really brush your teeth more because that is not normal.
Oh, Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out like that, man.
It's freaking me out.
They're just coming right out.
They, like, slip right out.
It's really freaking me out! Oh, shit.
- You think it's my dad? - Of course it's your dad.
Charlie, open up.
We got a dick hole in the bar.
I need you to come fill it in.
Okay, I got to go fill her a dick hole, bro.
No, no, no, bro, come on.
We don't have time.
Okay, uh, audible.
Grab the camera.
Is Dee's car outside? Uh yes.
Okay, great.
We'll steal it.
We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.
Charlie, now you got to stop.
You really got to stop.
Just give it to me.
Give me all the teeth.
Okay, I got them in my pocket.
Huh? Hey! What the Okay, go, go, go! Why would you do that? Come on! Open the door! Huh? I don't know.
It's all happening so fast, man! You could've just opened it.
Oh, that's true.
I'll fire you through that window.
All right, grab the Just go! Just go! Go, go, go! The videotape is done.
My teeth are scattered throughout the car, and the will is in place.
Great.
Toss it out the window.
They'll think we did it at the last minute.
Okay, got it.
Okay.
What's next? All right, I'm going to gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.
Now, judging by the distance, I'm thinking I could get it up to about 60, 70 miles an hour.
Oh, definitely, definitely.
At the last possible second, I'm thinking maybe three feet from the wall We jump out to safety, the car explodes in a hot ball of fury and we're dead to the world.
Okey dokey.
Good luck with that.
Wait.
Where you going, dude? Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna watch you do it.
No, we need to do it together.
- But I'm not really doing anything.
- Yes, you are, Charlie.
You're here for moral support.
But if no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car Well, it's we're gonna kill ourselves together.
There's no real Get out, get out, get out.
I'll do it myself.
The whole thing's gonna be better without me anyway, Mac.
I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me.
All right, buddy, good luck! Pussy.
Holy shit, dude, are you all right? Why didn't you jump out? - I'm okay, I'm okay, Charlie.
- Holly shit! Dude, oh, my God! I guess I was just going too fast.
I was going too fast.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's get out of here.
We're gonna have to burn the car.
Let's do it.
We'll have to get some gasoline.
Holy shit! We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawnshop.
Are you kidding me? You can find amazing things in pawnshops.
This is the perfect Should've gone to a gas station, dude, and buy some gasoline to burn the car.
I know, but we've been talking about this the whole walk over.
You can't go to a gas station.
There's too many cameras.
Bro, like, I say something, and then you, like, forget it two seconds later, okay? Are you sure you're all right? Your ear's bleeding a ton.
I'm fine.
I feel like $1 million.
All right, well, you don't seem like Well, then, focus, Mr.
Million Dollars, and let's find something to blow up a car.
Oh, Charlie! Look at that wedding dress, dude.
That's sad.
Okay, that is not gonna blow a car up, okay? So, can you focus? Will you please find a way to focus? Oh, shit, look at this, dude! Now we're talking.
Damn, they sell guns here? They sell everything here.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Pawnshops are like international waters.
People come in, and they just trade stuff, you know what I mean ? Anything goes here.
We can get whatever we want, all right? Let's pick this bad boy up.
Shit, that's awesome.
All right, good.
So you're sure we'll have enough money for this and the wedding dress, right ? 'Cause that is a great gun.
We're not buying the wedding dress.
Yeah, we're buying the wedding dress.
Are you crazy? We can't just leave it here.
We absolutely can leave it here.
It's not gonna help us in any way, shape or form.
That's crazy.
Bro, okay, you know what? That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits, all right? You're losing your mind.
So, will you just let me handle it? I got Dee's purse.
We got her credit cards in here.
We have plenty of money.
I know what I'm doing.
And stop talking about the wedding dress.
All right.
Sir, excuse me, sir.
Hi, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy a car and, uh, annihilate any traces of a human being.
Let me see what I got.
All right, you see that? Your old buddy here knows what he's doing every now and then.
- Yeah ? - Yeah.
Well, this is an interesting turn.
I'm assuming this is a live grenade, yes? Oh, yeah.
Well, then, we'll take it.
Was the wedding in Philadelphia? I don't know.
I don't care about the wedding.
Sir, do you have anything that might get my buddy's head straight? He's losing his mind.
Got some poppers in the back.
All right.
There we go.
All right, Luther, today's the day.
You got any plans for the outside? Yeah, I got some plans.
I got some big plans.
I'm gonna throw this grenade into the car.
The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.
In the meantime, I need you to do a popper.
Okay, I understand the plan.
Except for when we find the bride.
Don't even start, man.
- That's a very important part - You've been talking crazy - of my plan.
- for way too long, so just take a deep breath of this.
Inhale.
There we go.
Grenade.
Gonna throw it in the car.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- You and me? I'm back.
Let's not talk about the dress anymore.
Okay, here we go.
No dress, grenade.
Go, move! Go, go, go, go! This is gonna be awesome, dude.
It's gonna be huge.
That's it? Weird.
- That was totally lame.
- That's what grenades do? - It was a very old grenade.
- What a gyp.
I thought it was gonna be so much more awesome than that.
The car's not even on fire.
All right, plan B.
Gun, gas tank.
I'm gonna fire directly into it.
- The car's gonna go up.
- Now you're thinking.
- Yeah? - Go, baby.
Ready? You're gonna waste all the bullets.
You got to get a lot closer.
Closer? No, you got to stay far away cause it's gonna blow up, dude.
Chickenshit, I'll walk right up to that thing and shoot.
No, you can't walk right up to it and shoot.
It'll blow you to safety.
All right, how about this? Popper put it to my nose.
- We'll walk up, and I'll just be - That will help you focus.
Okay, well, let's just That's at least the smart thing to do.
Okay, hold on, I'm stepping on this dress.
One, two Go.
- Ah, God damn it, dude! - No more bullets.
Grenades and bullets don't burn cars? All right, dude, new plan.
The teeth, the envelope, the crash.
I think it's enough, you know? You think that's enough? Maybe the cops will think we just, like, I don't know disintegrated? All right, fine.
Then, we'll get these credit cards, we'll buy some camping equipment.
We'll go up to the roof, and we'll lay low.
See, there's my boy.
He's making plans again.
- He's thinking.
- He's back! He's also wearing a wedding dress, though, and I'd like him to take it off.
Oh, yeah, this is outrageous.
That's completely crazy, man.
This is it.
Uh, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this sex party thing, Frank.
Dennis, what, are you having second thoughts about the glory hole? And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party? Don't You said you wanted to have anonymous sex.
This is the place.
I do want to have anonymous sex.
I want to have anonymous sex.
I want to have a sex party.
I want it all.
I want the glory hole.
I want all those things.
Here it is.
What I'm having a hard time believing, though, Frank, is that there is an elite secret sex society behind that door, in this building.
I used to run with this crew.
These people are the most powerful, influential, sexiest people in Philadelphia.
Well, then, why are they having a goddamn orgy in such a dump then? I thought this kind of thing went down in, like, somebody's elegant mansion.
I was looking forward to that.
No, nobody's gonna have an orgy in their mansion.
All over their nice furniture? I mean, that doesn't make sense.
Well, no, it doesn't.
That's a really good point.
All right, let's do it.
Yeah, all right, put your mask on, and don't embarrass me.
All right.
Don't embarrass yourself.
What is the password? Orgy You may enter.
Orgy? Seriously? What the hell is this place? What did you bring me to? This is a buffet.
Well, I can see that it's a buffet, but why is there a buffet at a goddamn orgy, Frank? You don't want to bang on an empty stomach, do you? I don't want to bang any of these people anyway.
They're all paunchy and weird and old.
You can't tell under the masks.
I can absolutely tell.
And why are our costumes so much more elaborate than everybody else's like they didn't put any effort into it? Ah, Jesus Christ, that guy's not even wearing a mask.
He's got the right idea.
This beak is interfering with my nosh.
What are you doing? Don't take it off.
Ah, Jesus, what are we doing here, man? How is this even an orgy? Nobody's having sex.
What did you bring me to? You brought me what is this, like It's like a half nude buffet party.
Oh, it's not exactly what I thought it was gonna be, either, but it's okay.
There's a lot of food.
Frank, I think we can both agree this is not the kind of anonymous sex that we're looking for, right? You want to go down by the bridge? What in God's name could possibly be down by the bridge? I don't know.
It could be cool.
It could be cool? No, Frank, I don't want to go down by the bridge.
You know what, I'm going back to the bar.
I'm gonna go back to the glory hole.
That's something that I feel like I could wrap my head around.
This is ridiculous.
You think these are fresh shrimp or frozen shrimp? I don't care! What is this place? These are not Who are these people? It's like a bad acid trip in here.
I'm coming.
I'm gonna come.
Now, what if I just slip my foot over like this, as if to say, "Hello, I'd like to have some anonymous sex please.
" All right, I'm into that.
Then, I wait for the signal back.
If it's a lady's foot, I'm in the clear! But, Frank, here's my problem with that.
A man can wear a woman's shoe.
You can't rule out trickery.
I mean that's why we need the viewing slot.
The slot defeats the purpose.
I could see your eyes.
We might as well get married! It's the safest way, Frank.
Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
You guys, get out here right now.
You need to take a look at this.
Good news, Dee, we made the bathroom unisex.
Glory hole's up and running, baby.
I don't care about that.
According to the Philadelphia Police Department, Mac and Charlie are dead.
You got the camera, man? - Yeah, is it ready? - Yeah I think so.
We good, are we on? Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead.
Our lives were horrible.
Horrible and sad, so we decided to end it all.
Not me actually, my life was pretty sweet.
But Charlie and I had a suicide pact, and I have to honor that because I am honorable man.
I will die an honorable man.
There's also a will enclosed and you totally have to do all of that because that's like a law.
Okay, wait a second.
My life was also very honorable.
Here we go! I can't believe they're dead.
I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.
What? Are you crazy? They're not dead, they're definitely doing something stupid, - but they're not dead.
- You saw the tape, Dee! My best friends went on a blaze of glory and they didn't even ask me to be part of it.
This is terrible! Are you buying this? That is ridiculous, Dennis, they left us a list of demands.
What are you talking about? That's their last will and testament.
That is not demands.
It says at the top : "List of demands.
" Well, whatever, it's their wishes and we have to honor them.
Oh, we do? Oh we do, we have to honor them? Okay, let's see, Frank.
Charlie's number one : my ashes are to be made into a tea and to be dranken by everyone in bar.
Done! Damn it, gross, fine, what else? Mac's number one.
In lieu of a body, which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable, I would like the duster to be burned and its ashes buried in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river.
Well, that's crazy.
I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster.
Yeah, we also both have to name our first born child Murphy because that was Robocop's name.
Goddamn it! Mac is dead and he's still bossing me around.
Mac is not dead, Dennis.
How could you be so cold? They blew up my car! Not burning the duster.
- You're still talking about a coat? - Absolutely! That is an automobile.
- It's a piece of clothing! - They're people! - They're all lying! - They're lying people! Jesus, man, they must be really broken up.
We can hear 'em from up here.
They're like crying and whing and I'm excited about the hot dogs.
- Oh, crap! - What? We should've got beans, dude.
Hobos are always eating beans.
Damn.
We'll be fine without the beans, all right, cause this is a perfect, perfect hiding spot.
This would be better with beans though.
Leave it alone with the beans.
No! Stop it! Don't do it.
Oh, my God.
How? How is that possible? I don't know.
Just put it down.
You think they're my baby teeth? Put it with the other ones.
You're not gonna be able to eat this hot dog.
I'll suck it down.
I asked you to leave me be.
I asked you to let me live my life.
But you wouldn't go away.
You kept pushing, and pushing, until you forced me to do something drastic Something I was hoping I would never have to do Well, I guess this is probably, this is probably gonna be it so we should, we should get started.
What to say about Mac.
He certainly was angry.
- Burn the duster! - I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster.
All right, that's crazy.
That's like, that's insane.
Why would I ever burn, I mean, come on.
I will continue to wear it, in his honor.
And I will burn some other things.
You know maybe like these, stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants retired and hung up in the bar.
I'll burn these.
But I am not burning the duster, okay? So forget it.
It probably won't even burn anyway.
It's not supposed to it's flame-retardant.
That's like the whole point.
It's like a shield of armor, so stop asking me to burn the duster.
I'm not gonna burn it! So, end of story, you know.
Let's just move on.
So Yeah, all right.
Well, uh, thank you.
Come on.
No.
- I'm not doing it.
- Come on.
Deandra, get on that stage.
Before, uh, Mac and Charlie died they made a slideshow.
And, uh, we're going to play a song that was a favorite of theirs.
Go ahead.
It's all the same Only the names have changed Every day, it seems we're wasting away Another place, where the faces are so cold I'd drive all night, just to get back home I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride I'm wanted, dead or alive I miss you, Charlie.
This is bullshit, dude.
No one's mourning me properly.
What are you talking about, man? Your mom's sitting right there.
She's mourning you.
Yeah, she watched an entire episode of Mama's Familyand fell asleep.
And now, I'm going to give them the one gun salute.
No, you're not! All right.
Oh, my God! Let go! Wow, that was great and very touching.
Thanks so much for coming, both of you.
Time to go.
See you at the next one.
Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, aww, it's going to be okay.
I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the bathroom, go into the center stall, I got a little surprise for you.
It's going to cheer you up.
That's okay, Frankie.
I don't need to go potty.
Oh, damn it.
Can you believe it, sis? They're actually gone.
- This changes everything.
- I need a ride home.
No, no, no.
Can't do that, sis.
I got to get back home ASAP and meet a couple potential new roommates.
Hot ones! You know what I'm saying? All right, hey, it's time to move on.
Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth? No thoughts on that? You're not going to say anything? You're just going to stare at me? That's what you're bringing to the table? That's great.
I'm gonna could you excuse me? Excuse me.
Sir Goddamn.
Thanks, I'm just gonna Excuse me.
No, of course, let me do it.
Thanks.
Hi.
Oh, my God, freak show back there.
Ma'am, I'm going to need for you to step behind the line.
Yeah, look, as you can probably tell, I'm not really a bus person.
It's just, a couple of dicks destroyed my car and then forced me to lower myself to this, so if you could just cut me some slack, because I don't know if you've been back there, but animals.
You're touching me.
That doesn't this isn't weird for you? Ma'am, either you get behind the line or your ride ends here.
- I'm behind the line.
- You're on the line.
On the line, behind the line, who cares?! That's it.
I'm pulling the bus over.
No, goddamn it, don't pull the bus over, all right? Really?! Okay, fine, you know what? I will go back behind the line with the rest of the filthy degenerates.
But I am not happy about it, lady.
Excuse me! Oh, my really? Oh, my God.
Oh, no, you stay put.
I'll get it.
On the floor of a bus On the floor of a filthy bus.
Excuse me for just a sec! Damn it, dude.
I can't believe Dee finally caught on and cancelled her credit cards.
This is really not good, dude.
Now we don't have any beans.
We don't have any beer, dude.
We're shit out of luck, bro.
All right, I'll tell you what.
We'll get back to the bar.
We'll get some beer there, at least we'll have that.
Not a bad idea.
In the meantime, I need a popper, all right.
I got to get my head straight.
I got a little bad news on the popper front.
- This is the last one, dude.
- Shit! Really? All right, well, I think I should get it.
- Not going to have it.
- Can I just have it? - Bro? - Can I just have it? - Will you let me do the poppers? - I just want it.
- I just need it, dude.
- The poppers person.
Give me the popper, dude! I need that popper, bro! I got to have the popper! Oh, you son of a bitches! Hey, look out.
Look out! Hey, you jerks! Goddamn it! Hey! No, stop the bus! Stop the bus! Shut up! You shut up, bitch! Stop the bus! Sir? Sir, I just I need to pull the cord to get off the bus.
This is my stop.
You're in my way.
Can you get out of the way so I can pull the cord? I'll get out of your way as soon as I get off Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? Goddamn it, you bitches! Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye come on, dude.
When were you ever going to use nunchakus? Are you kidding me? Yeah, hang on one second.
Yeah, it's perfect.
Hello.
Uh, hi.
Um, can I help you? You're looking for a roommate, right? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I was looking for two, actually.
Female.
I believe I was pretty clear in the ad here.
"Male, 30, looking for Three's Company type deal.
Did Odd Couplething for past decade, looking for something new.
" Yeah, I did the Three's Company thing once.
It was pretty cool for like a week, and then I banged one of them.
- Oh nice.
- Not nice.
Do you know what this is like? Banging the chicks that you live with? It's terrible, man.
Every day you have to deal with this.
Get out, lady.
Wow, yeah, I guess I never really thought about that before.
You know, you're you're much smarter than my old roommate.
Yeah, look, I'm going to be upfront with you.
I run with a pretty wild crew.
There's probably going to be chicks over here, like, all the time.
I'm into some pretty crazy shit.
Here's the best part: I don't even know most of their names.
Oh, yes! It's like You know, I've been trying to get into the anonymous sex thing lately.
- Oh, yeah? - Now, are you, uh, European? Oh, I'm sorry.
What gave it away? Nice.
Yeah, well, you know, I could probably consider, like, a, uh,Perfect Strangers type of deal.
Look, I like this by the way.
This is a sweet duster.
First, he doesn't burn the duster, and now he's looking for new roommates? Why did you want to burn that duster anyway? Because he always wears it with no shirt and a shitload of cologne.
It's totally ruined.
- Hello, bitches! - Jesus Christ, Dee! You scared the shit out of me.
I almost dropped all my beer.
I knew you two weren't dead.
What are you doing popping out of our tent? Not cool, Dee! Oh, not cool? Oh, I'll tell you what's not cool.
Crashing my car into a building, exploding a grenade inside of it and then convincing your friends your family that you're dead.
That's one of the cooler things you could ever do.
That's really unbelievably cool.
- I suggest you try it - Cooler than I thought it was.
I don't know why you're up here doing whatever it is that you're doing, and I don't care.
What I do care about, is my 1997 Dodge Neon.
So here's the deal.
You two monkeys are going to get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon, or I'm going to go and tell Frank and Dennis that you faked your own deaths and you're hiding up on the roof.
Well, now you're just talking crazy.
You can't buy a new 1997 Dodge Neon.
- You can buy an old one - Okay, new to me.
Dee, you got bigger problems, because my dad just got out of jail, and he's coming to kill you.
What?! Me? Are you sure? Kill you, kill us, kill everybody really.
He's going to kill everyone.
Why would you not tell me this news earlier? Oh, my God, get off our case, Dee, all right? What's done is done.
Look, Mac and I are hobo drifters now, okay? We don't dwell on the past.
No, hobo drifters live in the present.
So look, if you really want to get back at Frank and Dennis, you got to fake your own death.
I don't want to get back at Frank and Dennis.
I want to get at you two.
Really is that what? What? Is that what your plan was? I tuned out during the whole tirade.
She said the 1997 Dodge Neon thing and I totally lost her.
All right, Dee, I'll tell you what, here's the plan.
Why don't you fake your own death like us? It really is the only thing you can do now 'cause you're in this too deep.
Look, you want to die? Now what's your bean situation? You got some beans on you, or what's up? Good-bye, son.
Aw, man, I got to tell you, this is awesome.
It's making me forget that Mac ever even died.
Oh, yeah, just relax, roommate.
I'm going to relax.
I'm going to relax all over the place in a second.
Shit.
Jan? All right, I got to get this.
Hey, Dennis.
Really? What do you want? Hey, I just wanted to let you know I was going to go for a quick jog in Fairmont Park by myself.
Oh, yeah? Great.
Okay, have fun.
But, it's kind of dangerous.
Yeah, I got it, Dee.
- I don't know if you noticed - Go jogging! Ang go ! What's this have to do with me? Just me out there in the middle of the night in the dark by myself.
Really? Sorry about her, I She was a bag I hate her.
Which one do you want first? Huh, Greta or Sasha? Oh, no.
No, shit, bro.
Why'd you do that, bro? Come here, man.
- What did I do? - You said their names.
Come on, man, that kills it for me.
Look, bro, can I be honest with you? This is great and all, but I was really hoping for more of like a, you know, anything goes, crazy European sex party kind of a thing.
- Something a little kinkier.
- Kinky ? Oh, kinky.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I like this.
You like this, we like this.
Yeah, let me make some calls.
Do you think you could put something like that together? Of course I can, man.
I'm European.
Oh! That's It looks like he's got a lot of new friends.
Yes, I can see that, Charlie.
Some of them are really pretty girls.
Yes, they are very pretty.
Wow, that's tough, man.
That's a tough thing to see.
Shut up, dude.
I'll bet you Frank is throwing a party, too.
It's your turn to take the bedpan out tonight.
"Little freak! I did it last time!" No, Charlie, I got up in the middle of the night, and I walked down the hallway with the bedpan.
"All right, Frank, I'll do it, only because I like you so much".
I like you, too, Charlie.
I like you, too, New Charlie.
You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.
- We're haunting these bitches.
- Haunting's cool, man.
- Coming back from the grave, bitch.
- All right, that's cool.
What is this? What are you doing, like Poltergeistor something? - Awesome, right? - No, no.
Craig T.
Nelson.
Craig T.
Nelson is the best, dude, but Poltergeist? - What ? - It's not scary.
It's all about psychological damage.
Big deal, look at me.
Psychological damage up to here.
It doesn't do anything for me, you know? Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.
All right, what do you suggest? Well, I mean, if anything, maybe we tie some knives to our fingers and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.
- Haunting.
- Haunting! - We're gonna haunt them.
- I'm sorry, I was thinking Oh, my God, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, God, I had the weirdest night.
It was crazy.
As soon as I left Dennis's place, I realized I don't have a car, right, so I actually do have to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night.
So I'm on Spring Garden Street, and this big car full of gangbangers Okay, gangbangers.
That is an awesome story, Dee.
That's the end of it, right? That could be the end of the story? Charlie and I are right in the middle of something.
Check it out, we're gonna put some knives on our fingers and start murdering people.
- Haunting people.
- Haunting.
- We're gonna haunt people.
- Whatever.
You're gonna do like a Poltergeistthing? - That's Dennis.
- That's Dennis.
Hey, ladies, like I said, pop them off.
Start popping them off.
Oh, I love it, I love it.
Hey, feel free to be free.
No American judgments here.
The only rule is: don't tell me your names.
I don't want to know your names, okay? "Hi, I'm Charlie.
Frankie, I love these girls.
" Frank, what are you doing, man ? You're freaking the girls out with this mannequin.
Get rid of it.
Dennis, these girls are German.
German.
"We're gonna have demented sex, right, Frank?" That is the greatest party I've ever seen.
These sons of bitches! Is he gonna take that stupid little mannequin everywhere, man? - That is freaking me out.
- Move past the mannequin.
They're just hanging out with a bunch of half naked ladies, and I just ran and sweated for absolutely nothing? Yeah, I don't sound like that, all right.
- Goddamn it.
Get past it.
- Who cares about the mannequin? I care about the mannequin! I look like a jerk in front of those girls.
I'm putting an end to this right now.
Yeah, dude, screw your dad.
Let him eat our asses.
Let him eat my butt into smithereens.
I'm ending this.
Let's not be rash, right? I mean, come on.
Look, if we're not gonna haunt them, we should have a little fun, right? Let's scare the shit out of them.
- We got to make an entrance.
- Oh, let's scare the shit out of them.
Jan, this is what I want, man.
You've given me what I want.
Look, I have this very kinky surprise for you, my friend.
I've arranged for you to use the glory hole! I forgot about the glory hole.
- I just sent someone in there now.
- Yeah ? Totally anonymous.
There are no words, man.
That's right, I'm the boss.
But I'm a good boss, and I'm gonna allow you to watch.
"Okay, Frankie!" Somebody's coming.
Any minute now, the German broad is gonna knock on that wall, which is my signal to go in my pants, take out my penis and stick it through the hole.
Then, she can go to town.
Hey, honey, you want to take care of this monster for me or what ? There is no way I can picture that is a girl.
What the hell are you doing here, man? - Jan sent me.
- Jan sent me, too.
This is bad.
Everybody out! Okay, there has been a major miscommunication.
Get your European, sex-freaky asses out of the bar.
Let's go, come on.
Come on, move it.
Move it, that's right.
Go, go, go! Get out! Let's go, ladies.
Let's go, let's go.
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
- Hey, you too, Jan.
- Hey, beat it.
- What did I do? - What did you do? Jan, you were gonna have him "glory hole" me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, my ass.
Get out of here.
You sex freak, go! Americans are so uptight.
You ruined our glory hole.
Beat it and shut the door.
Sick freak.
You didn't know anything Weirdo.
What ? Surprise, bitches! We're alive, and it's blowing your minds right now.
No, it is not blowing our minds at all.
I knew you guys were alive.
Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
How? 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents.
You were speaking at full volume, okay? Did you think you were being, like, crafty? I could see you staring at me through the window.
You know I can see through my windows, right? - I wanted to piss you off.
- Well, what about me? Did you want to piss me off? You, I thought, might have actually been murdered.
That's what I thought.
That's what I thought, okay? Frank, you knew, too? Yeah I knew.
And some of the stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like to teach me a lesson or? Did I see you bang that thing? All right, you know what, let's just But why were you guys pretending that you were dead anyway? That's a really messed up thing to do.
My dad got out on parole.
He's coming to kill me and Charlie.
No, no, you got a letter the other day.
- He sent a letter.
- Who sent a letter? I got it, I got it.
It was sent to the bar.
"Dear son, I asked you to leave me be forced me to do something that I hoped I'd never have to do.
" Oh, yeah, here we go.
"I just got out of prison, and I'm heading to Tijuana.
I wanted to get as far away from you as I could, so that I could learn how to forgive you.
Please do not try to contact me ever.
I promise that I'm not gonna hurt you.
Love, Dad.
P.
S.
: I still love you.
" See, 'cause we - This whole thing was - We didn't have to do all the Sorry about your car, Dee.
That is correct.
And Mr.
Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you claim that the prisoner told you that if you didn't, and I quote, "jam a bunch of stuff into your butt," he was going to "rape you so hard the room would stink.
" Then, he was going to, quote, "eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink until his stomach was full of your butts.
" - Is this correct? - That is also correct.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Warden, they're lying.
I do not want to hurt them.
In fact, I want to get as far away from those two as I possibly can.
Objection! That's an objection, Your Honor.
Hey, he's lying to you! Move to strike! Move to strike! Quiet! Sit down.
Sit down! He's lying! He is lying! Sit down Get your hands off the microphone.
Just leave it in the middle of the two of you.
Leave it alone.
He said the middle, put it in the middle.
Take your hands off the mic! - Leave it alone.
- That's not the middle.
Leave it there.
Yes.
A few weeks ago, they came to apologize for getting me arrested.
I did not accept their apology.
That never happened! We were friends Shut up! Charlie, shut up! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet at the hearing! Oh, yeah, Dad? Not going to accept our apology? Okay, fine.
Plan B, bitch! We're going to bury you.
Yeah, Mr.
Mac, I'm going to tell those parole board dickheads that you said you were going to rape my butt until the room stinks, and then you're going to eat my butt until your stomach is full of butt.
Full of my butt, and full of Mac's butt.
You're not going to say it exactly like that I'm going to say something like that, yeah.
Sure? That's a lot of butts.
Yeah, I think all the butt madness is really going to sell it.
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia corrections : Sososeries Charlie, I'm telling you, running away is not the answer.
Mac, we're going to need supplies on the road, okay.
So just calm down, help me throw some stuff into the stinking bindle.
Dude, no matter where we go, my dad will find us, and while I admit it would be awesome to be hobos, drifting from town to town, solving mysteries, I think we need to find a real solution.
Oh, my God, how do hobos fit all this stuff into a bandana?! It doesn't make sense, man.
We're going to need, like, a towel or a tablecloth or something, but It's not going to look cool.
We're going to look like assholes Wait a second.
That's it! I got it! I got it! Forget the bindle.
The only way that my dad is not going to kill us, is if he thinks we're already dead.
Oh, great.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Great, let's kill ourselves.
Let's do it.
No.
No, you didn't let me finish.
I don't It's no problem, dude.
I'm totally on board.
Okay, I'm going to grab a knife, I'm going to jab it into your neck, I'll yank it out.
Then your blood's going to start going everywhere.
No, buddy, listen.
And you'll die in five to ten minutes, and then depending on how horrific that looks, I'll probably do it myself, too.
Okay, listen, I was going to say we fake our own death, and then he thinks we're dead, and he leaves us alone.
Yeah, right.
Either way works, dude.
Let's just pick one before he gets here.
Let's pick the second one where we don't actually die.
Calm down! We'll pick the second one.
All right now, let's think.
We got to do it in some way that's convincing, all right.
If we were going to kill ourselves, it'd be awesome, right ? Yeah, yeah.
If we were going to kill ourselves, it would be with class, right, I mean, because we're worth it.
Of course it would be with class! What do you think, I'm not going to die with class? Maybe some type of explosion? Of course there's going to be an explosion.
You think I'm not going to explode? I'm thinking, Charlie, it would be some kind of blaze of glory for you, yes Of course it's going to be a blaze of glory.
I'm going down right now.
No, no, no, okay, hold on a second, okay, all right, so Did I miss something? You're not getting this.
I'll walk you through the steps as we go.
First step: do not douse yourself with lighter fluid.
- What is that? - I don't know.
Do you think it's for watching somebody poop? You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make? What the hell are you guys doing in here? I got to go to the bathroom.
There's a hole in the wall.
We're just trying to figure out what it is.
Well, well, well, Deandra.
Would you look at that.
Frank, Dee, what you two have discovered today is what is most commonly referred to as a glory hole.
A glory hole? A secret portal created as a passage way for one to safely insert one's penis.
I'm sorry, a hole to stick your dick in? The partition acts as a physical barrier, thus ensuring anonymity throughout the spontaneous act of copulation, or fellatio, or at the very least, a hand job.
What? Why? Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see? Well, Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see? It's very European.
Europe leads the way in sexual exploration, and quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.
This sounds hot.
I'm going to go get some duct tape.
Now, hold on a second there, Frank.
Before you go sticking anything through that hole, you might want to consider that on the other side of this wall, more often than not, there's a dude.
But you can't see through the wall, so how do you know it's not a girl? I mean, I could just picture a girl, and then, it's good.
Right, well, some might find that method effective, but it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.
Supposing the other guy is picturing a girl, also.
How's he going to do that with a dick in his mouth? I don't know.
That's his problem.
We're filling it in.
Okay, buddy, you ready? Are you sure we have to do this? Charlie, yes, we have to do this.
Look, if the cops are going to identify the bodies, we need to leave dental records behind, right? So we leave a couple of teeth, bing, bam, boom.
I know.
I feel like it's going to hurt.
Yeah, it's going to hurt like a bitch.
Okay, ready? One, two Wait.
That just kind of came out on its own.
Yeah, that slipped right out, huh? I barely pulled that.
I barely pulled it.
What? Damn, dude! That's another Man, you should really brush your teeth more because that is not normal.
Oh, Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out like that, man.
It's freaking me out.
They're just coming right out.
They, like, slip right out.
It's really freaking me out! Oh, shit.
- You think it's my dad? - Of course it's your dad.
Charlie, open up.
We got a dick hole in the bar.
I need you to come fill it in.
Okay, I got to go fill her a dick hole, bro.
No, no, no, bro, come on.
We don't have time.
Okay, uh, audible.
Grab the camera.
Is Dee's car outside? Uh yes.
Okay, great.
We'll steal it.
We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.
Charlie, now you got to stop.
You really got to stop.
Just give it to me.
Give me all the teeth.
Okay, I got them in my pocket.
Huh? Hey! What the Okay, go, go, go! Why would you do that? Come on! Open the door! Huh? I don't know.
It's all happening so fast, man! You could've just opened it.
Oh, that's true.
I'll fire you through that window.
All right, grab the Just go! Just go! Go, go, go! The videotape is done.
My teeth are scattered throughout the car, and the will is in place.
Great.
Toss it out the window.
They'll think we did it at the last minute.
Okay, got it.
Okay.
What's next? All right, I'm going to gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.
Now, judging by the distance, I'm thinking I could get it up to about 60, 70 miles an hour.
Oh, definitely, definitely.
At the last possible second, I'm thinking maybe three feet from the wall We jump out to safety, the car explodes in a hot ball of fury and we're dead to the world.
Okey dokey.
Good luck with that.
Wait.
Where you going, dude? Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna watch you do it.
No, we need to do it together.
- But I'm not really doing anything.
- Yes, you are, Charlie.
You're here for moral support.
But if no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car Well, it's we're gonna kill ourselves together.
There's no real Get out, get out, get out.
I'll do it myself.
The whole thing's gonna be better without me anyway, Mac.
I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me.
All right, buddy, good luck! Pussy.
Holy shit, dude, are you all right? Why didn't you jump out? - I'm okay, I'm okay, Charlie.
- Holly shit! Dude, oh, my God! I guess I was just going too fast.
I was going too fast.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's get out of here.
We're gonna have to burn the car.
Let's do it.
We'll have to get some gasoline.
Holy shit! We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawnshop.
Are you kidding me? You can find amazing things in pawnshops.
This is the perfect Should've gone to a gas station, dude, and buy some gasoline to burn the car.
I know, but we've been talking about this the whole walk over.
You can't go to a gas station.
There's too many cameras.
Bro, like, I say something, and then you, like, forget it two seconds later, okay? Are you sure you're all right? Your ear's bleeding a ton.
I'm fine.
I feel like $1 million.
All right, well, you don't seem like Well, then, focus, Mr.
Million Dollars, and let's find something to blow up a car.
Oh, Charlie! Look at that wedding dress, dude.
That's sad.
Okay, that is not gonna blow a car up, okay? So, can you focus? Will you please find a way to focus? Oh, shit, look at this, dude! Now we're talking.
Damn, they sell guns here? They sell everything here.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Pawnshops are like international waters.
People come in, and they just trade stuff, you know what I mean ? Anything goes here.
We can get whatever we want, all right? Let's pick this bad boy up.
Shit, that's awesome.
All right, good.
So you're sure we'll have enough money for this and the wedding dress, right ? 'Cause that is a great gun.
We're not buying the wedding dress.
Yeah, we're buying the wedding dress.
Are you crazy? We can't just leave it here.
We absolutely can leave it here.
It's not gonna help us in any way, shape or form.
That's crazy.
Bro, okay, you know what? That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits, all right? You're losing your mind.
So, will you just let me handle it? I got Dee's purse.
We got her credit cards in here.
We have plenty of money.
I know what I'm doing.
And stop talking about the wedding dress.
All right.
Sir, excuse me, sir.
Hi, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy a car and, uh, annihilate any traces of a human being.
Let me see what I got.
All right, you see that? Your old buddy here knows what he's doing every now and then.
- Yeah ? - Yeah.
Well, this is an interesting turn.
I'm assuming this is a live grenade, yes? Oh, yeah.
Well, then, we'll take it.
Was the wedding in Philadelphia? I don't know.
I don't care about the wedding.
Sir, do you have anything that might get my buddy's head straight? He's losing his mind.
Got some poppers in the back.
All right.
There we go.
All right, Luther, today's the day.
You got any plans for the outside? Yeah, I got some plans.
I got some big plans.
I'm gonna throw this grenade into the car.
The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.
In the meantime, I need you to do a popper.
Okay, I understand the plan.
Except for when we find the bride.
Don't even start, man.
- That's a very important part - You've been talking crazy - of my plan.
- for way too long, so just take a deep breath of this.
Inhale.
There we go.
Grenade.
Gonna throw it in the car.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- You and me? I'm back.
Let's not talk about the dress anymore.
Okay, here we go.
No dress, grenade.
Go, move! Go, go, go, go! This is gonna be awesome, dude.
It's gonna be huge.
That's it? Weird.
- That was totally lame.
- That's what grenades do? - It was a very old grenade.
- What a gyp.
I thought it was gonna be so much more awesome than that.
The car's not even on fire.
All right, plan B.
Gun, gas tank.
I'm gonna fire directly into it.
- The car's gonna go up.
- Now you're thinking.
- Yeah? - Go, baby.
Ready? You're gonna waste all the bullets.
You got to get a lot closer.
Closer? No, you got to stay far away cause it's gonna blow up, dude.
Chickenshit, I'll walk right up to that thing and shoot.
No, you can't walk right up to it and shoot.
It'll blow you to safety.
All right, how about this? Popper put it to my nose.
- We'll walk up, and I'll just be - That will help you focus.
Okay, well, let's just That's at least the smart thing to do.
Okay, hold on, I'm stepping on this dress.
One, two Go.
- Ah, God damn it, dude! - No more bullets.
Grenades and bullets don't burn cars? All right, dude, new plan.
The teeth, the envelope, the crash.
I think it's enough, you know? You think that's enough? Maybe the cops will think we just, like, I don't know disintegrated? All right, fine.
Then, we'll get these credit cards, we'll buy some camping equipment.
We'll go up to the roof, and we'll lay low.
See, there's my boy.
He's making plans again.
- He's thinking.
- He's back! He's also wearing a wedding dress, though, and I'd like him to take it off.
Oh, yeah, this is outrageous.
That's completely crazy, man.
This is it.
Uh, I'm starting to have second thoughts about this sex party thing, Frank.
Dennis, what, are you having second thoughts about the glory hole? And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party? Don't You said you wanted to have anonymous sex.
This is the place.
I do want to have anonymous sex.
I want to have anonymous sex.
I want to have a sex party.
I want it all.
I want the glory hole.
I want all those things.
Here it is.
What I'm having a hard time believing, though, Frank, is that there is an elite secret sex society behind that door, in this building.
I used to run with this crew.
These people are the most powerful, influential, sexiest people in Philadelphia.
Well, then, why are they having a goddamn orgy in such a dump then? I thought this kind of thing went down in, like, somebody's elegant mansion.
I was looking forward to that.
No, nobody's gonna have an orgy in their mansion.
All over their nice furniture? I mean, that doesn't make sense.
Well, no, it doesn't.
That's a really good point.
All right, let's do it.
Yeah, all right, put your mask on, and don't embarrass me.
All right.
Don't embarrass yourself.
What is the password? Orgy You may enter.
Orgy? Seriously? What the hell is this place? What did you bring me to? This is a buffet.
Well, I can see that it's a buffet, but why is there a buffet at a goddamn orgy, Frank? You don't want to bang on an empty stomach, do you? I don't want to bang any of these people anyway.
They're all paunchy and weird and old.
You can't tell under the masks.
I can absolutely tell.
And why are our costumes so much more elaborate than everybody else's like they didn't put any effort into it? Ah, Jesus Christ, that guy's not even wearing a mask.
He's got the right idea.
This beak is interfering with my nosh.
What are you doing? Don't take it off.
Ah, Jesus, what are we doing here, man? How is this even an orgy? Nobody's having sex.
What did you bring me to? You brought me what is this, like It's like a half nude buffet party.
Oh, it's not exactly what I thought it was gonna be, either, but it's okay.
There's a lot of food.
Frank, I think we can both agree this is not the kind of anonymous sex that we're looking for, right? You want to go down by the bridge? What in God's name could possibly be down by the bridge? I don't know.
It could be cool.
It could be cool? No, Frank, I don't want to go down by the bridge.
You know what, I'm going back to the bar.
I'm gonna go back to the glory hole.
That's something that I feel like I could wrap my head around.
This is ridiculous.
You think these are fresh shrimp or frozen shrimp? I don't care! What is this place? These are not Who are these people? It's like a bad acid trip in here.
I'm coming.
I'm gonna come.
Now, what if I just slip my foot over like this, as if to say, "Hello, I'd like to have some anonymous sex please.
" All right, I'm into that.
Then, I wait for the signal back.
If it's a lady's foot, I'm in the clear! But, Frank, here's my problem with that.
A man can wear a woman's shoe.
You can't rule out trickery.
I mean that's why we need the viewing slot.
The slot defeats the purpose.
I could see your eyes.
We might as well get married! It's the safest way, Frank.
Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.
You guys, get out here right now.
You need to take a look at this.
Good news, Dee, we made the bathroom unisex.
Glory hole's up and running, baby.
I don't care about that.
According to the Philadelphia Police Department, Mac and Charlie are dead.
You got the camera, man? - Yeah, is it ready? - Yeah I think so.
We good, are we on? Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead.
Our lives were horrible.
Horrible and sad, so we decided to end it all.
Not me actually, my life was pretty sweet.
But Charlie and I had a suicide pact, and I have to honor that because I am honorable man.
I will die an honorable man.
There's also a will enclosed and you totally have to do all of that because that's like a law.
Okay, wait a second.
My life was also very honorable.
Here we go! I can't believe they're dead.
I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.
What? Are you crazy? They're not dead, they're definitely doing something stupid, - but they're not dead.
- You saw the tape, Dee! My best friends went on a blaze of glory and they didn't even ask me to be part of it.
This is terrible! Are you buying this? That is ridiculous, Dennis, they left us a list of demands.
What are you talking about? That's their last will and testament.
That is not demands.
It says at the top : "List of demands.
" Well, whatever, it's their wishes and we have to honor them.
Oh, we do? Oh we do, we have to honor them? Okay, let's see, Frank.
Charlie's number one : my ashes are to be made into a tea and to be dranken by everyone in bar.
Done! Damn it, gross, fine, what else? Mac's number one.
In lieu of a body, which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable, I would like the duster to be burned and its ashes buried in an unmarked grave somewhere by the river.
Well, that's crazy.
I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster.
Yeah, we also both have to name our first born child Murphy because that was Robocop's name.
Goddamn it! Mac is dead and he's still bossing me around.
Mac is not dead, Dennis.
How could you be so cold? They blew up my car! Not burning the duster.
- You're still talking about a coat? - Absolutely! That is an automobile.
- It's a piece of clothing! - They're people! - They're all lying! - They're lying people! Jesus, man, they must be really broken up.
We can hear 'em from up here.
They're like crying and whing and I'm excited about the hot dogs.
- Oh, crap! - What? We should've got beans, dude.
Hobos are always eating beans.
Damn.
We'll be fine without the beans, all right, cause this is a perfect, perfect hiding spot.
This would be better with beans though.
Leave it alone with the beans.
No! Stop it! Don't do it.
Oh, my God.
How? How is that possible? I don't know.
Just put it down.
You think they're my baby teeth? Put it with the other ones.
You're not gonna be able to eat this hot dog.
I'll suck it down.
I asked you to leave me be.
I asked you to let me live my life.
But you wouldn't go away.
You kept pushing, and pushing, until you forced me to do something drastic Something I was hoping I would never have to do Well, I guess this is probably, this is probably gonna be it so we should, we should get started.
What to say about Mac.
He certainly was angry.
- Burn the duster! - I'm not burning the duster! Okay, I'm not burning the duster.
All right, that's crazy.
That's like, that's insane.
Why would I ever burn, I mean, come on.
I will continue to wear it, in his honor.
And I will burn some other things.
You know maybe like these, stupid goddamn sleeveless t-shirts that he wants retired and hung up in the bar.
I'll burn these.
But I am not burning the duster, okay? So forget it.
It probably won't even burn anyway.
It's not supposed to it's flame-retardant.
That's like the whole point.
It's like a shield of armor, so stop asking me to burn the duster.
I'm not gonna burn it! So, end of story, you know.
Let's just move on.
So Yeah, all right.
Well, uh, thank you.
Come on.
No.
- I'm not doing it.
- Come on.
Deandra, get on that stage.
Before, uh, Mac and Charlie died they made a slideshow.
And, uh, we're going to play a song that was a favorite of theirs.
Go ahead.
It's all the same Only the names have changed Every day, it seems we're wasting away Another place, where the faces are so cold I'd drive all night, just to get back home I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride I'm wanted, dead or alive I miss you, Charlie.
This is bullshit, dude.
No one's mourning me properly.
What are you talking about, man? Your mom's sitting right there.
She's mourning you.
Yeah, she watched an entire episode of Mama's Familyand fell asleep.
And now, I'm going to give them the one gun salute.
No, you're not! All right.
Oh, my God! Let go! Wow, that was great and very touching.
Thanks so much for coming, both of you.
Time to go.
See you at the next one.
Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie, aww, it's going to be okay.
I'll tell you what, why don't you go into the bathroom, go into the center stall, I got a little surprise for you.
It's going to cheer you up.
That's okay, Frankie.
I don't need to go potty.
Oh, damn it.
Can you believe it, sis? They're actually gone.
- This changes everything.
- I need a ride home.
No, no, no.
Can't do that, sis.
I got to get back home ASAP and meet a couple potential new roommates.
Hot ones! You know what I'm saying? All right, hey, it's time to move on.
Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth? No thoughts on that? You're not going to say anything? You're just going to stare at me? That's what you're bringing to the table? That's great.
I'm gonna could you excuse me? Excuse me.
Sir Goddamn.
Thanks, I'm just gonna Excuse me.
No, of course, let me do it.
Thanks.
Hi.
Oh, my God, freak show back there.
Ma'am, I'm going to need for you to step behind the line.
Yeah, look, as you can probably tell, I'm not really a bus person.
It's just, a couple of dicks destroyed my car and then forced me to lower myself to this, so if you could just cut me some slack, because I don't know if you've been back there, but animals.
You're touching me.
That doesn't this isn't weird for you? Ma'am, either you get behind the line or your ride ends here.
- I'm behind the line.
- You're on the line.
On the line, behind the line, who cares?! That's it.
I'm pulling the bus over.
No, goddamn it, don't pull the bus over, all right? Really?! Okay, fine, you know what? I will go back behind the line with the rest of the filthy degenerates.
But I am not happy about it, lady.
Excuse me! Oh, my really? Oh, my God.
Oh, no, you stay put.
I'll get it.
On the floor of a bus On the floor of a filthy bus.
Excuse me for just a sec! Damn it, dude.
I can't believe Dee finally caught on and cancelled her credit cards.
This is really not good, dude.
Now we don't have any beans.
We don't have any beer, dude.
We're shit out of luck, bro.
All right, I'll tell you what.
We'll get back to the bar.
We'll get some beer there, at least we'll have that.
Not a bad idea.
In the meantime, I need a popper, all right.
I got to get my head straight.
I got a little bad news on the popper front.
- This is the last one, dude.
- Shit! Really? All right, well, I think I should get it.
- Not going to have it.
- Can I just have it? - Bro? - Can I just have it? - Will you let me do the poppers? - I just want it.
- I just need it, dude.
- The poppers person.
Give me the popper, dude! I need that popper, bro! I got to have the popper! Oh, you son of a bitches! Hey, look out.
Look out! Hey, you jerks! Goddamn it! Hey! No, stop the bus! Stop the bus! Shut up! You shut up, bitch! Stop the bus! Sir? Sir, I just I need to pull the cord to get off the bus.
This is my stop.
You're in my way.
Can you get out of the way so I can pull the cord? I'll get out of your way as soon as I get off Oh, my God, what is wrong with you? Goddamn it, you bitches! Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye, Mac's shit.
Good-bye come on, dude.
When were you ever going to use nunchakus? Are you kidding me? Yeah, hang on one second.
Yeah, it's perfect.
Hello.
Uh, hi.
Um, can I help you? You're looking for a roommate, right? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I was looking for two, actually.
Female.
I believe I was pretty clear in the ad here.
"Male, 30, looking for Three's Company type deal.
Did Odd Couplething for past decade, looking for something new.
" Yeah, I did the Three's Company thing once.
It was pretty cool for like a week, and then I banged one of them.
- Oh nice.
- Not nice.
Do you know what this is like? Banging the chicks that you live with? It's terrible, man.
Every day you have to deal with this.
Get out, lady.
Wow, yeah, I guess I never really thought about that before.
You know, you're you're much smarter than my old roommate.
Yeah, look, I'm going to be upfront with you.
I run with a pretty wild crew.
There's probably going to be chicks over here, like, all the time.
I'm into some pretty crazy shit.
Here's the best part: I don't even know most of their names.
Oh, yes! It's like You know, I've been trying to get into the anonymous sex thing lately.
- Oh, yeah? - Now, are you, uh, European? Oh, I'm sorry.
What gave it away? Nice.
Yeah, well, you know, I could probably consider, like, a, uh,Perfect Strangers type of deal.
Look, I like this by the way.
This is a sweet duster.
First, he doesn't burn the duster, and now he's looking for new roommates? Why did you want to burn that duster anyway? Because he always wears it with no shirt and a shitload of cologne.
It's totally ruined.
- Hello, bitches! - Jesus Christ, Dee! You scared the shit out of me.
I almost dropped all my beer.
I knew you two weren't dead.
What are you doing popping out of our tent? Not cool, Dee! Oh, not cool? Oh, I'll tell you what's not cool.
Crashing my car into a building, exploding a grenade inside of it and then convincing your friends your family that you're dead.
That's one of the cooler things you could ever do.
That's really unbelievably cool.
- I suggest you try it - Cooler than I thought it was.
I don't know why you're up here doing whatever it is that you're doing, and I don't care.
What I do care about, is my 1997 Dodge Neon.
So here's the deal.
You two monkeys are going to get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon, or I'm going to go and tell Frank and Dennis that you faked your own deaths and you're hiding up on the roof.
Well, now you're just talking crazy.
You can't buy a new 1997 Dodge Neon.
- You can buy an old one - Okay, new to me.
Dee, you got bigger problems, because my dad just got out of jail, and he's coming to kill you.
What?! Me? Are you sure? Kill you, kill us, kill everybody really.
He's going to kill everyone.
Why would you not tell me this news earlier? Oh, my God, get off our case, Dee, all right? What's done is done.
Look, Mac and I are hobo drifters now, okay? We don't dwell on the past.
No, hobo drifters live in the present.
So look, if you really want to get back at Frank and Dennis, you got to fake your own death.
I don't want to get back at Frank and Dennis.
I want to get at you two.
Really is that what? What? Is that what your plan was? I tuned out during the whole tirade.
She said the 1997 Dodge Neon thing and I totally lost her.
All right, Dee, I'll tell you what, here's the plan.
Why don't you fake your own death like us? It really is the only thing you can do now 'cause you're in this too deep.
Look, you want to die? Now what's your bean situation? You got some beans on you, or what's up? Good-bye, son.
Aw, man, I got to tell you, this is awesome.
It's making me forget that Mac ever even died.
Oh, yeah, just relax, roommate.
I'm going to relax.
I'm going to relax all over the place in a second.
Shit.
Jan? All right, I got to get this.
Hey, Dennis.
Really? What do you want? Hey, I just wanted to let you know I was going to go for a quick jog in Fairmont Park by myself.
Oh, yeah? Great.
Okay, have fun.
But, it's kind of dangerous.
Yeah, I got it, Dee.
- I don't know if you noticed - Go jogging! Ang go ! What's this have to do with me? Just me out there in the middle of the night in the dark by myself.
Really? Sorry about her, I She was a bag I hate her.
Which one do you want first? Huh, Greta or Sasha? Oh, no.
No, shit, bro.
Why'd you do that, bro? Come here, man.
- What did I do? - You said their names.
Come on, man, that kills it for me.
Look, bro, can I be honest with you? This is great and all, but I was really hoping for more of like a, you know, anything goes, crazy European sex party kind of a thing.
- Something a little kinkier.
- Kinky ? Oh, kinky.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I like this.
You like this, we like this.
Yeah, let me make some calls.
Do you think you could put something like that together? Of course I can, man.
I'm European.
Oh! That's It looks like he's got a lot of new friends.
Yes, I can see that, Charlie.
Some of them are really pretty girls.
Yes, they are very pretty.
Wow, that's tough, man.
That's a tough thing to see.
Shut up, dude.
I'll bet you Frank is throwing a party, too.
It's your turn to take the bedpan out tonight.
"Little freak! I did it last time!" No, Charlie, I got up in the middle of the night, and I walked down the hallway with the bedpan.
"All right, Frank, I'll do it, only because I like you so much".
I like you, too, Charlie.
I like you, too, New Charlie.
You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.
- We're haunting these bitches.
- Haunting's cool, man.
- Coming back from the grave, bitch.
- All right, that's cool.
What is this? What are you doing, like Poltergeistor something? - Awesome, right? - No, no.
Craig T.
Nelson.
Craig T.
Nelson is the best, dude, but Poltergeist? - What ? - It's not scary.
It's all about psychological damage.
Big deal, look at me.
Psychological damage up to here.
It doesn't do anything for me, you know? Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.
All right, what do you suggest? Well, I mean, if anything, maybe we tie some knives to our fingers and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.
- Haunting.
- Haunting! - We're gonna haunt them.
- I'm sorry, I was thinking Oh, my God, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, God, I had the weirdest night.
It was crazy.
As soon as I left Dennis's place, I realized I don't have a car, right, so I actually do have to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night.
So I'm on Spring Garden Street, and this big car full of gangbangers Okay, gangbangers.
That is an awesome story, Dee.
That's the end of it, right? That could be the end of the story? Charlie and I are right in the middle of something.
Check it out, we're gonna put some knives on our fingers and start murdering people.
- Haunting people.
- Haunting.
- We're gonna haunt people.
- Whatever.
You're gonna do like a Poltergeistthing? - That's Dennis.
- That's Dennis.
Hey, ladies, like I said, pop them off.
Start popping them off.
Oh, I love it, I love it.
Hey, feel free to be free.
No American judgments here.
The only rule is: don't tell me your names.
I don't want to know your names, okay? "Hi, I'm Charlie.
Frankie, I love these girls.
" Frank, what are you doing, man ? You're freaking the girls out with this mannequin.
Get rid of it.
Dennis, these girls are German.
German.
"We're gonna have demented sex, right, Frank?" That is the greatest party I've ever seen.
These sons of bitches! Is he gonna take that stupid little mannequin everywhere, man? - That is freaking me out.
- Move past the mannequin.
They're just hanging out with a bunch of half naked ladies, and I just ran and sweated for absolutely nothing? Yeah, I don't sound like that, all right.
- Goddamn it.
Get past it.
- Who cares about the mannequin? I care about the mannequin! I look like a jerk in front of those girls.
I'm putting an end to this right now.
Yeah, dude, screw your dad.
Let him eat our asses.
Let him eat my butt into smithereens.
I'm ending this.
Let's not be rash, right? I mean, come on.
Look, if we're not gonna haunt them, we should have a little fun, right? Let's scare the shit out of them.
- We got to make an entrance.
- Oh, let's scare the shit out of them.
Jan, this is what I want, man.
You've given me what I want.
Look, I have this very kinky surprise for you, my friend.
I've arranged for you to use the glory hole! I forgot about the glory hole.
- I just sent someone in there now.
- Yeah ? Totally anonymous.
There are no words, man.
That's right, I'm the boss.
But I'm a good boss, and I'm gonna allow you to watch.
"Okay, Frankie!" Somebody's coming.
Any minute now, the German broad is gonna knock on that wall, which is my signal to go in my pants, take out my penis and stick it through the hole.
Then, she can go to town.
Hey, honey, you want to take care of this monster for me or what ? There is no way I can picture that is a girl.
What the hell are you doing here, man? - Jan sent me.
- Jan sent me, too.
This is bad.
Everybody out! Okay, there has been a major miscommunication.
Get your European, sex-freaky asses out of the bar.
Let's go, come on.
Come on, move it.
Move it, that's right.
Go, go, go! Get out! Let's go, ladies.
Let's go, let's go.
Get out, get out, get out, get out.
- Hey, you too, Jan.
- Hey, beat it.
- What did I do? - What did you do? Jan, you were gonna have him "glory hole" me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, my ass.
Get out of here.
You sex freak, go! Americans are so uptight.
You ruined our glory hole.
Beat it and shut the door.
Sick freak.
You didn't know anything Weirdo.
What ? Surprise, bitches! We're alive, and it's blowing your minds right now.
No, it is not blowing our minds at all.
I knew you guys were alive.
Yeah, I knew you guys were alive, okay? I figured it out right before the funeral.
How? 'Cause I could hear you guys rustling around in the vents.
You were speaking at full volume, okay? Did you think you were being, like, crafty? I could see you staring at me through the window.
You know I can see through my windows, right? - I wanted to piss you off.
- Well, what about me? Did you want to piss me off? You, I thought, might have actually been murdered.
That's what I thought.
That's what I thought, okay? Frank, you knew, too? Yeah I knew.
And some of the stuff you've been doing with this mannequin here, that's like to teach me a lesson or? Did I see you bang that thing? All right, you know what, let's just But why were you guys pretending that you were dead anyway? That's a really messed up thing to do.
My dad got out on parole.
He's coming to kill me and Charlie.
No, no, you got a letter the other day.
- He sent a letter.
- Who sent a letter? I got it, I got it.
It was sent to the bar.
"Dear son, I asked you to leave me be forced me to do something that I hoped I'd never have to do.
" Oh, yeah, here we go.
"I just got out of prison, and I'm heading to Tijuana.
I wanted to get as far away from you as I could, so that I could learn how to forgive you.
Please do not try to contact me ever.
I promise that I'm not gonna hurt you.
Love, Dad.
P.
S.
: I still love you.
" See, 'cause we - This whole thing was - We didn't have to do all the Sorry about your car, Dee.