Last Man Standing s04e05 Episode Script

I got it! "Last Man Standing" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Trick or treat.
Really? You guys couldn't even be bothered to wear a costume? You guys want something from Eve Baxter, you're gonna have to work for it.
That's a good call.
Try to remember that on prom night.
What what is this costume? Oh.
Hope Solo's mug shot? It's a big step for equality in sports when a female athlete finally gets arrested for assault.
When she gets five guys pregnant in five different cities, then she's hit the big leagues.
Honey, uh, we already ate, but I'll stand here with you while you make yourself something.
No, thanks.
Right to the sauce.
Tough day? I spent the whole day trying to navigate these new EPA guidelines on carbon.
34,000 pages.
Wow.
That's a lot of paper.
Guess the EPA doesn't care about trees anymore.
Scientists like me we're not the enemy.
We're trying to fix the problem.
What we should do is put all the power plants in Pakistan Because they don't care about air pollution there.
Their air comes in flavors They have the original and extra crispy.
You know, Mike, I am really starting to wonder if this is what I want to be doing with the rest of my life.
At least you got a loving family to come home to.
Yeah, whatever.
Trick or treat! - Hey, Boyd.
- Hey, happy Halloween.
We thought we would bring Boyd to trick-or-treat in your neighborhood.
Yeah, see what you one-percenters are shelling out.
That's a good call.
You say "trick" in your neighborhood, you get a girl named candy.
Boyd, honey, what's your costume? Oh, he is something really scary.
Let's see it.
My daddy says I'm the single biggest threat to life on earth.
A lump of coal.
I get it, yeah.
It's it's 'cause I work in coal.
I'm destroying the planet! I suppose you drove over here in your windmill-powered car? I'm just trying to raise awareness, man.
I miss the days when all the costume had to say was "boo.
" With the election coming up, we just wanted him to wear a costume that made a statement that's all.
Well, a little kid wearing black at night The statement is, "why don't you hit me with your car?" Hey, Mandy.
.
Glasses and a book? That is obviously a costume.
U.
S.
election assistance commission? Mm-hmm, for extra credit in poli-sci, I signed up to help out at the polling place on Tuesday.
That's right, people.
Mandy is working the pole.
I think we all saw this day coming.
When are we gonna go trick-or-treating? I'll take you out, squirt.
Come on.
Oh, but I get 20% of your haul.
- What for? - Protection.
It's dark out here, you know? You might fall down and break those pretty, little teeth of yours.
So, you're gonna be an election judge? That's a that's a big commitment.
Oh, yes, I had to attend a two-hour seminar, which was actually very informative Yeah? because I found out where the instructor got her boots Nordstrom.
Huh, you know, Ryan and I have been registering voters out in front of whole foods.
Ahh, that's where you get good voters People dumb enough to pay Well, it is a midterm election, but the stakes are high.
If the Republicans get the senate, Obama's hands will be tied.
Well, how will he play golf? Aah! Aah! Hello, little girl.
What are you dressed as? A guy who was watching a hockey game till his wife sent him out for more candy.
"Black guy that likes hockey" That's the most creative costume I've seen tonight.
I like your costume, too "Nervous white dude who's afraid to let a brother into his house.
" Please come in, Chuck.
- Chuck! - Hey, Carol.
- Oh, hey! - Ohh.
I sent you to the store for candy, not to mooch off the Baxters.
Well, I was hoping Vanessa would answer.
Now I wish I'd gone to the store.
Still time.
- Come on in.
Sit down.
- Oh, hey.
I'll get you some candy.
No, no need.
I shut off our porch lights.
You know, the costumes were lame this year.
I just saw a kid dressed like a rock.
He is a lump of coal, and there are clean ways to burn him, if the EPA would just get off my ass! My wife's a little tense tonight.
My wife's tense, too.
It It's this election.
Yeah.
Oh, I can't wait till it's over.
The election, I mean.
Not my marriage.
Although either one would solve it.
On the school board ugh we've been campaigning hard for measure "C" I don't know if you're familiar with it.
Oh, as a certified election official, I most certainly am.
So, measure "C" is the one that's between measures "B" and "D" She's been working really hard on her alphabet.
She used to have to sing that.
Measure "C" is the proposal to shut down Taft high school, right? Right, right.
Taft is largely African-American? Yeah, and Latino.
There's a whole lot of "Julios" down by that schoolyard.
Taft is a failing school.
If the school board shuts it down, we can send the kids to some of the more successful schools in the district, like Woodbridge.
Yeah, just push the problem up here.
It's the leaf-blower strategy.
Well, I think that is a great idea.
I'm sure you do.
Mike, Brown vs.
Topeka was 60 years ago, and our schools are still as segregated as they were in 1954.
What do you know about integration? You're Canadian.
You got, like, one black kid in that whole country.
They probably integrate by sending him to different schools every year.
Pass him around like the Stanley cup.
Yeah, but this proposal's about giving these kids an equal chance.
I'm surprised the school board is giving up so easy.
'Cause you could just spend a lot more money on the school.
It would still fail, but then everybody would be poor.
There is no more money, unless you want to pay more property taxes.
No.
No.
No.
I don't want to do that.
I figured you two would agree on that one.
You ready to have your old neighborhood come out and hang in the new neighborhood and get the old gang together the crips, the bloods? Kiwanis.
I-I'm straight out of Denver, not Compton.
This this is really Carol's area.
She she's the politician in the family.
You're the homeowner, and property values are dictated by the schools around them.
Yeah, but, you know, it's a really complicated issue.
You see, on the one hand, y-you want to help the kids from Taft.
Okay.
On the other hand There is no other hand here.
I have a right to be concerned about our property value.
There's the other hand.
- We're back.
- Hey.
We should be heading out anyway, so - All right, guys.
- Yeah, good night.
Well, wait.
Wait, I want to say goodbye to my little lump of coal! Ooh! I'm gonna squeeze you so hard, you turn into a diamond.
Mwah! Do you ever turn the geology stuff off? - Happy Halloween.
- Night, guys.
Good night, guys.
Be safe out there.
Okay.
Where were we? Oh, yeah.
Chuck was disrespecting Carol's hard work on measure "C" Why do you do that, Baxter? I can't believe my own husband is against me on this.
That's why I do that.
If this measure fails, there's got to be cuts across the whole district, programs like music, theater, art W-wait.
No more art? Yeah, I'm afraid so, honey.
Yes! I suck at art.
It's been killing my GPA.
Eve, come on.
That is so selfish.
I mean, you got to try to see the big picture here.
As long as I don't have to draw it.
Uh, honey, w-we moved out of the hood.
I'm not sure I like the idea of the hood following me here.
I don't mind the hood following me as long as it's not white and pointy.
Good night, Mike and Vanessa.
Good night, guys.
Carol.
Chuck, I'll get you a sleeping bag so you can keep a real good eye on your property value tonight.
Oh, man.
You should have gone to the store.
The Yekekians were giving away those fig-and-nut bars again.
How do you know? 'Cause the kids are throwing them in the bushes.
Well, if it's not pure sugar, the kids just toss it.
I know.
Raisins, orange slices, apples.
Michelle Obama's dream for American lunches is right here in our front yard.
Stupid Ryan.
Gosh.
A lump of coal this size could power a home for three days.
And leave the air a lot cleaner than those kids left our yard.
Well, let's not put it away.
What we'll do is we'll put it in Ryan's stocking for Christmas.
How did I become the bad guy? When I started college, I-I was an idealist.
I-I wanted a career where I'd make the world a better place.
I mean, so, of course, I picked geology.
Well, that was Mother Teresa's minor.
Honey, don't let clowns like Ryan get into your head and ruin your love of rocks.
Honey, I will always love rocks.
You know that.
But I'm barely doing science at my job anymore.
I'm just I'm so buried in paperwork.
Paper's stronger than rock.
Now you just need scissors.
I'm just so tired of arguing with people my bosses, the EPA.
Really, all I think about lately Is quitting my job.
If you're tired of arguing with people, you probably shouldn't have told me that.
Come on.
We we don't need the money.
Uh, it does buy happiness.
Yeah, but something's got to change.
I-I mean, if I'm not gonna get a second husband I might need a second career.
Well, it's a big decision.
It's your decision.
- Whatever you do, I'll support you.
- Really? Yeah, I'll have to.
We'll only have one income.
Hey, Mr.
Alzate.
Uh, I need some time off today to go to the polls.
Oh, good, good.
You have some big choices.
You voting for Hickenlooper? Uh, nice try, but, no, I won't be voting for Hickenlooper.
I'll be voting for a real person.
No, he is real, Kyle.
He's our governor.
Right, the governor of Floobertown, where I buy my gloompies! I'm so glad I did two tours in Vietnam to protect your sacred right to vote.
Take an extra hour at lunch.
Thanks.
I'm driving my grandma on my motorcycle.
And I have to go slow.
- She's an older woman.
- It's tough holding on.
Oh, no, she's strong as an ox.
When she puts her arms around me, I-I keep having to swat her hands.
Sometimes she forgets I'm her grandson.
Thanks, Mr.
Alzate.
- Morning, Mr.
B.
- Morning.
Oh, Mikey, women get stranger as they get older.
Tell me about it.
My wife just laid this on me.
She wants to quit her job.
Come on.
Yeah.
Really? I wouldn't have seen that coming.
I thought she loved working with dolphins.
My wife's a geologist.
She's just tired of getting bullied around by the environmentalists.
She was better off with dolphins.
All right, my advice urge Vanessa to find a new job first.
Just stall this thing.
And who knows? She even may go back to teaching fish how to jump through hoops.
Or she could become a geologist.
Another good career.
Thanks for voting! Come again! But not today, because that would be illegal.
So don't come again until the next time that we elect things.
Uh Hey, I hope you're taking this seriously.
Uh, yeah.
I don't have much of a choice.
I took an oath.
Also, I forgot my earbuds.
Kind of a sad turnout.
Think it's time to bust out the other kind of pole, hmm? All right, what are you doing here? It's my school.
I stopped by after practice.
I just want to know how, uh, measure C's doing? I can't answer that question.
That's got to be the millionth time you've said that in a classroom.
I'm surprised balloons didn't fall.
Listen, I just really need to know that measure "C" is tanking, okay? Art must die.
What about all of the other kids who would benefit? I'm not blowing my shot at West Point just 'cause I can't draw a horse.
I mean, who has legs like that? Uh, what? So, what you're saying is measure "C" will wreck the economy?! What?! Hey, no.
No electioneering at the polls.
Tell her.
Do your job.
I-I'm going.
I just think it's interesting that measure "C" is backed by ISIS! Okay, democracy is no joke, Mandy.
These rules must be enforced.
Can I please have my ballot? Actually No.
You don't live in this district.
What? Uh No, but my name is still on the voter rolls.
"Kristin Baxter," r-right there.
At mom and dad's address, where you don't live anymore.
You've got to be joking.
Democracy's no joke, Kristin.
Oh, come on.
I am your sister.
Yeah, the United States of America has no sister.
Maybe England.
No, that's really more like our gay cousin, actually.
You have to go vote in your own district.
What? But the polls are about to close.
Don't make me call security.
It's that weird crossing guard who likes to stare at my feet.
All right, all right, I'm going.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
That's right.
And that is how you work a poll! Yes! Whoo! I am so sorry.
I'm just hearing it now for the first time.
I'm so sorry.
Hey, Eve.
Oh, hey, Cammy.
Sorry.
Um, can you teach me how to draw a horse? Um, I don't know.
I'd have to see the horse first.
Mine always end up looking like dogs on stilts.
Let's just hope measure "C" fails and kills the arts program, right? Yeah.
Uh, wait.
Um, isn't music an art? Um Not the way the school band does it.
But I need school band.
I'm counting on an oboe scholarship for college.
I thought that was sad enough, and now I might not even get that? Ooh, I'm really sorry.
Any chance they'd cancel football instead? Uh I think you're blowing on that thing too hard.
How did it go at the polls? Whew.
Well, Eve will be happy.
Measure "C" lost.
Ohh.
Um, and so did What a shame.
Wow.
Those kids will have to stay at Taft.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Election day is, like, the only day some of these old people get out of their house.
It's like they've got four years of bottled-up stuff to talk about.
Guess who's in that line of fire.
Sorry, I just thought it'd be nice to drop by and catch up.
Oh, not you, mom.
I'm talking about the sad people.
You know, the ones who talk about, like, what they should have done with their lives, but they didn't, and now it's too late.
But you're not like that.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
Hi.
How, uh how was work? Jobs are great.
Very fulfilling.
Really? Did somebody come in and buy all your guns? If so, you might want to tell the authorities.
Just grateful that I have a job that I love.
And I know how frustrating it is not to have that.
I appreciate you saying that, Mike.
And if you want to quit, I'm behind you.
Thank you.
But I would like to say one thing.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
I-I don't think that you should, uh, give them notice till you have something else, you know? You shouldn't let go of one thing till you have something better to grab onto.
It's like rock-climbing or wives.
I shouldn't be running away from something, but running to something, something I really, really care about.
And there's really no hurry.
I mean, you can do it anytime you want.
I've got something.
Didn't take much time.
I want to teach.
I like that a lot.
That means I could sleep with a college professor again.
Maybe this time, it'll improve my grade a little.
Actually, I want to teach at a place that I can do a lot of good.
I like that idea.
It's great.
I want to teach science at a place that really needs me.
- Good.
- Yeah, like Taft.
Y-yeah, yeah.
That What, uh w-what do you think? Yeah, well, you know, that's, uh For somebody else's wife, that's a great idea.
No, Taft is a place where a teacher can really make a difference, you know, l-like in "Dangerous Minds.
" Oh, you are not gonna win this argument by citing the least sexy Michelle Pfeiffer movie.
I didn't even know we were having an argument.
You know what it'd be like teaching at Taft? - What? - Picture this.
You walk into the classroom.
They're dissecting a cat.
Okay.
What's wrong with that? It's English class! And it's your cat! Oh, stop.
It's a tough school.
You're gonna be disappointed.
You're gonna be real frustrated.
Yeah, you mean like at my job now? Yeah, but for a lot less money.
Look, I'm just spit-balling here.
But what about, uh, training dolphins? Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi, guys.
Hi.
Have you heard? Yeah.
Measure "C" lost.
How about a glass of commiseration? Of course.
Yeah, it's a real shame how this whole thing played out.
Don't even try it.
So what happens now, Carol? Well, Taft continues to limp along, test scores drop, teachers leave, and on and on.
It's just a challenge.
I don't even think Michelle Pfeiffer could handle this one.
Oh, don't say that, Mike.
If movies have taught us anything, it's that black people rely on tough-talking white ladies to step in and straighten out our lives! I was just telling Mike that I've decided to become a teacher, and that I might like to teach at a place like Taft.
Seriously? Seriously? See? Now you've gone and upset the Larabees.
Listen, Carol, you told me you taught at a at a tough high school.
It's hard, right? Wait.
You're not in favor of this? Well, Vanessa, God bless you for your commitment to our youth.
Listen, just tell her what it's like.
Don't sugarcoat it.
Tell her what she's up against.
Well, there were days when I pulled into the teacher's parking lot and just sat there, resisting the urge to put the car in reverse and get as far away as I could.
See, now, that scene wasn't in "Dangerous Minds.
" Okay, honey But then there was that day when a kid that I would not give up on, a kid that I-I pushed and demanded work from Walked into my classroom With an acceptance letter from Stanford university He said, "thank you, Mrs.
Larabee.
" And then he shot you.
It's not easy.
But you think I could handle it? You handle him.
Mike, I'm gonna do this.
I know you are.
Let's open this up and celebrate! Yes! Hey, Mike! I don't need this.
I don't need this right now.
Hey, you know what? No, no, sit back down.
I Now that Vanessa's gonna be a teacher, you know what else she's gonna have to do? No, what is it, Larabee? What's gonna happen? Join a union.
It's okay.
It's good.
I'm good.
I'm good.
You know why I'm good? Because Because I love my wife, and I want my wife to be happy.
Well, as a man who was married to a teacher for years, I can tell you the happy days are few and far between, but You keep looking for the silver lining in this thing, Baxter.
Guys, we have an announcement.
We already heard this.
How much of that wine you had? It's not about me.
I've decided to go back to teaching, too.
I think we found that silver lining.
Well, your wish came true.
Is Peyton Manning on the phone asking me to prom? Measure "C" failed.
Oh, just like this picture you're drawing of a dinosaur or a mountain range.
It's a bowl of fruit.
Then this is all for the best.
Yeah.
I guess.