Lexx s04e05 Episode Script
Xevivor
A tropical island paradise.
Ten virile studs.
One drop dead gorgeous babe.
And a single night of jungle love! Lust and survival collide.
The sea breeze is thick with hormones.
May the best man win.
Any questions - or should I break out the rubber pants? It stinks - like gold! Oh! The stink we love! Great concept Farley.
Who's gonna play the girl? Only the most bodacious babe on the planet - Xev Bellringer! The honey from prison who ruled the Internet, perfect.
Don't I know it! That jug of hot sauce has half the men on the planet bursting their Levi's! I wanna name the show after her, get this - Xevivor! Love it, love it bundles.
ýòî òà ñàìàÿ èçþìèíêà, êîòîðîé íåäîñòàåò It is that highlight, which lacks other show.
Problem, Farley - Roger here tells me every network around's been trying to hire this Xev creature.
No-one can track her down, nobody knows where she lives, she's disappeared.
Do you know something that we don't? Well, I couldn't reach her either, but check it out - a little while back, I get a call from her agent out of the blue some dude named Prince.
We're working the deal, we're getting close, real close.
As a matter of fact, I got him on the line right now.
Prince! You still there, big guy? Sure am, chief.
How's our itch? - Getting scratched.
- Mojo? - Working.
- Whole lotta shaking? - Big time baking.
- Easy peasy.
- Japaneasy! - Righteous! Wicked up! He says money's not the issue.
Prolonged exposure is.
He wants to make sure that Xev's working for the network for a long time.
Of course, done - as long as he can have her on location yesterday.
Prince, you make the gravy, we'll slather the ham.
I like mine from the butt, meat from the sweet spot.
- Fine dining.
- If you like pork.
Hey Prince, pleasure doing business with ya.
Yo momma.
That went well.
It did.
It did indeed.
It's a pleasure doing business with you, robot head.
Yo momma.
Lexx 4.
05 Xevivor You're a genius, Farley - Xevivor's got monster hit written all over it.
Tell me - why Zig Zig Island? I'd never even heard of it, but no matter what questions I put to the computer, it always selected Zig Zig.
Must be the best place.
Robot revenge has arrived - right on schedule.
How many men, you say? Ten.
Selected from the finest specimens Earth has to offer.
Millions watch as they compete against each other in a series of contests, and the eventual winner claims a steamy night of love with the grand prize - you.
Sexy, saucy, scintillating you! And millions will watch the winner and I fulfil this night of love? Most certainly.
Hmm - that's OK.
I like it! - How many men? - Nine, besides yourself.
And the winner gets to rock the love hut with Xev, huh? That's right.
Nah.
No no no, it's ridiculous, I mean, how am I ever gonna get picked for the show? It's already been arranged.
One of the spots has been reserved for a wild card contestant chosen from a computer lottery.
I can guarantee you'll get that position.
Yeah, but what chance do I have once I get down there? I mean, I'm a man's man, no mistake about that, but these other guys, I mean, they sound like they've been training for contests like this all their lives.
What chance do I have to win against that kind of competition? Leave that to me, Stanley.
I promise that when it's all over, you'll be all over Xev.
Why are you doing this? What's in this for you? I'm just trying to give everybody what they want.
If you're off somewhere rubbing yourself against Xev, then I get to be alone with the dead and delicious one, and hopefully rub against him.
Oh, for the last time! Kai is all yours.
Xev can't have him, I don't want him - what's the issue? Those not in love will never understand those who are.
Now what do you say, Tweedle? You and Xev, naked under a tropical sun, with the entire planet admiring your sexual prowess, no doubt leading to all kinds of offers, from all sorts of sensational Earth females! Is it a deal? Yeah, deal.
Kai - will you please check in on the show from time to time? - Why? - I want you to make sure everything's OK.
She'll be just fine.
- Will you do that for me? - Yes.
I agree with 790 - nothing's gonna happen, it's, er, er, gonna be an experience to treasure.
Going somewhere, Stanley? Yeah, down to the Earth, why? I thought that you wished never to visit there again.
Well yeah, but Xev's down there, and-- look, I just changed my mind, OK? Something the living do.
You got a problem with that? The dead do not have problems.
Oo, can't agree with you there.
Hurry along then, security guard - and good riddance.
Yeah, well, you two have fun while I'm gone.
I will if you will.
Now you listen to me, Dr not at all helpful - you're the fifth shrink I've been to in as many months! You blowhards all have the same questions, I don't want any more questions - I want answers.
- Farley! - I want these sick urges to stop, OK? Farley - all of you Where've you been? Listen to what these hack writers penned for me.
There's no way in hell I'm saying this.
"We've assembled some of the most handsomest, most desirable, most bodacious men on the planet.
We brought them here" - oh, come on Pearl, it makes me sound like a homo! A guy who talks about men like that is a guy who wants to crawl all over them - and I'm not that guy, those guys give me the creeps, you understand? Now get it rewritten! Never mind, I'll wing it! Hello, and welcome, viewers from around the globe.
This is a live telecast.
I'm Farley Kuckle on Zig Zig Island, and you're watching Xevivor - the most exciting television event of all time! We've gathered some of the hunkiest, hottest, cut and buffed beefcakes you've ever laid eyes on.
These studs are to die for! They're here for one unforgettable night of love, with the most succulent female in the universe - but don't take my word for it - see for yourselves.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the island goddess - XEV! Hi! Hi! And her sweaty suitors! You! Hey, you - I know you.
Maybe from another life.
No, in fact two other lives.
You were evil and died in both of them.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
I did die in a previous life on another network! When we come back we're gonna pick our wild card contestant.
After all - shouldn't ordinary Joe get to dream the cream dream too? Yeah! Our six finalists are right over there, so stick around.
This better work, 790.
Stanley is on the island with Xev.
- Was this something you arranged? - Yes.
I'm going to help him win the night of love with her.
That will make Stan happy - and Xev unhappy.
I'm a bad head - - spank me! - Hello? Spaceship Lexx, is anybody there, is Kai there? Hello? No-one is here! - I'll get rid of her.
- Do not do that.
But - this is out together time! - I am here.
- Kai! Dr Longbore asked me to contact you, and I said contacting you was OK by me.
He's found some more material that relates to the Divine Order symbol and the things you seem interested in, and he wanted to know if you'd like to return to our planet and examine it.
- Do you want to examine it? - I would.
- No, Kai! - Great! When you arrive, I'll show it to you.
I'll show you everything.
Will you come? I wish to come.
Me too! I'm going to virtually vomit.
But first I must remain here to monitor the television programme on which Xev is appearing.
Oh, you can do that here.
You can do anything here.
- Then I will come.
- Kai! Don't do it! Stay with me and be my cuddle corpse.
It's obvious she's a conniving bespectacled tramp! You keep watch till I return.
Don't leave me!!! There's only one thing to do when the deceased break your heart - And now, here we go for Mr Wild Card.
And that's to make others pay.
Number - Don't think so.
Number - Get on out here! That's me! That's me, that's me, that's me! I'm the winner, - I'm the winner! - Stan?! I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner! Na na na na na! Hi sexy, hi guys.
- No way! - Congratulations.
- What's your name? - Stanley H Tw - I know you.
Schlemmi, Fifi - you're evil.
Those two must be sucking on the same bong.
I want you out of here right now! Me? You should worry about him.
Looc Xev, it was just the luck of the draw, - and I mean, what can you do? - Crush your neck with my bare hands if I have to.
Well, that wouldn't be very island goddess-like of you, would it? Besides, this whole world is watching.
A full five hours of our broadcast day is dedicated to bringing you all the action of Xevivor, live - because we know you, just like those men, want it all, right now! Do you mind? Do you? The wardrobe must be just so if Xevivor's going to get and keep good ratings.
That shows how little you know, Tailor.
The secret to good ratings is beautiful hair.
You're an idiot, Barber.
The saying is "Dress for success" - not brush for it.
Great clothes, great ratings - period.
Then we should get someone in here who can make great clothes, not the ratings killer that you've designed.
Quiet, both of you! Farley, I don't care about any wild card contestant.
Stanley Tweedle should not be here.
Êîíå÷íî, âûáîð íå î÷åíü óäà÷åí, Well, I know xxxxxxx a choice bad, But that don, is don, lady.
Ìû æå ñ íèì âñå èçìó÷àåìñÿ.
He is vracking awerysinxxxxxx.
Don't worry about it, toots.
I mean, his chances of thwacking your thong come love night are precisely zero.
Look who he's up against.
Titans.
Chiselled Adonises.
Fine hewn slabs of rippled man flesh, pumping out their pungent testosterone musk, causing a deep and powerful thirst, a thirst that can only be quenched when a pair of swarthy, hairy arms takes you into their powerful grasp, and - .
Er - you look great.
Really fetching.
Fetching.
Appropriate, seeing as how you dressed her like a poodle.
You know, if the show were on the hair disaster channel, ratings would be through the roof.
This is a rare Zig Zig chicken - one of the last of its kind.
This critter is gonna sail over the island until we blow one of the balloons by remote, causing it to come down.
Whoever finds it first and lays it at Xev's feet wins the day.
Xev - let it go! Whee! Our champions will go after it as soon as they can climb out of their jail.
Gentlemen - on your marks.
- Set.
- Go! Go go go go! Go go go go! The winner of each challenge is granted immunity from the regular daily voting that eliminates one player from the contest.
Soon, only one lucky man will be left to satisfy my many needs - and I, his.
I'll win.
I'm the best.
The other guys are very good, but I'm the best.
Still, having a withered skinbag like Tweedle around - I dunno, it taints things.
Xev and I, making out like animals on the first night of love? That'll happen.
Stanley Tweedle passing the first vote? That won't.
Thank you.
That way.
That's very good, Farley.
It's no use, Mistress Moonbeam.
The chant's not working.
I feel more sick urges, not less! Your inner child is grieving, Farley.
But I'm not one of - - 7, 27.
- them.
I despise them.
So why? Why do I keep feeling these urges? - What does the tarot say? - The cards show many past lives for you, Farley.
I see - so I'm like this because of bad things I've done in the past? Trust your inner child, Farley.
Well, thank you Mistress Moonbeam, that's really helpful.
Yes! Well, what do you know? Listen - it's not like I believe in New Age hocus pocus stuff or anything, but, er, I was wondering - could you tell me more about this guy who you said was like me? Who you met before, you know, who died? Well, first he was Schlemmi, then Fifi - now you.
Right, but what, like - what was he like? Like for instance, was he, er - gay? - What is gay? - Gay, you know, gay! Like a man who likes other men, in a sexual way - which is not me of course, let's make that perfectly clear, I got "No Trespassing" tattooed on my ass - but, it's just this other guy, I was wondering if he was like, a little - you know.
Not that I know of.
Oh.
Oh, that's a relief.
But he was very sneaky, and he never told the truth.
And liked to kill people.
Yeah? Hey hey hey! No, no, no! Pearl, what's going on? The remote crew reported Stud 9 won.
- Yeah? - Yeah, so - go find him, I want answers! He, he, he, Hey! Will you look at that everybody! Our wild card contestant Stanley Tweedle has won our first contest.
Well done Stanley.
Go offer your tribute to Xev.
Well - yum yum.
Looks like Stan and Xev are gonna have fire down below.
We'll be right back.
What an honour for you to return to us, Kai.
I'll say! You have some material you claim is of interest to me? Straight to business, I admire that.
Tina, please go upstairs and prepare things for our visitor.
With pleasure.
The construction of our space vessel is proceeding well.
You are able to receive television broadcasts here.
I wish to view a show called Xevivor.
Oh, no problem.
Most of us are completely hooked on it.
Next on Xevivor - the vote.
Who will be the first to leave the island? It's a shame that Tweedle freak is immune, 'cause he'd definitely get my vote.
It's Tweedle for sure - the dude's pathetic.
Tweedle - even my dad isn't that much of a loser.
Stanley Tweedle has been trying to get me to ride his tower of power ever since I ran into him.
It has not happened in the last 4000 years, and it's sure not gonna happen in the next 4000 either! Still no sign of number 9? What the hell's going on here? I don't know.
OK.
Well, I'm afraid we don't have the accompanying footage available at the moment.
The first vote has taken place, and the tribe has voted off Stud number 9.
That's right - Hank's history! Âîò òàê.
Äåëî ñäåëàíî! We'll be right back.
Whoa whoa whoa! Nobody voted.
Nobody voted! Now I should know, you know? I would have voted for, er - Stan.
Even if he does have immunity.
Look, there's nothing I can do about it now, folks.
Hank never returned.
Er - my assistant here informed me that, er - he got cold feet, and he bailed.
He was last seen, um, er - stealing a canoe, a canoe.
So, er, let's forget about him and call it a night.
I have something else to show you.
What? An old film I found.
Please, take my - take a seat.
Transylvania - land of legend.
Nestled in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains of eastern Europe is the ancient land of Transylvania, a land said to have all the superstitions of the world piled up within its borders.
Transylvania is indeed a special place that gestates story and legend.
Once the mythological home of vampires, modern Transylvania has progressed far beyond its dark and mysterious past.
And while Transylvania has retained - What are vampires? - its old charm, inside a Europe that has all but disappeared, it has moved forward - A type of living dead.
- to keep pace with the modern amenities of everyday life.
Tourists from around the world flock to Transylvania, not only for its three star hotels and tempting Romanian cuisine, but also to enjoy the splendour - of the Carpathian mountains to take - I've never given myself to a living man.
- romantic rides on horse drawn carts down - I always knew I was - winding rural roads - meant for someone special, - to visit ancient monasteries, medieval villages, - and you're someone special, Kai and natural wilderness.
Not to mention a plethora of cliff hanging Transylvanian castles.
Once considered to be backwards and perilous, Transylvania is enjoying its 20th century overhaul, and now stands as Europe's fifth largest supplier of goats cheese, and second largest manufacturer of - May I view these images again, picture by picture? Sure, I can transfer it to this computer, but it'll take a while.
Do you have anymore information about vampires? The boys have been divided into teams of three for this contest, and all get immunity if they win.
Each team has a pristine piece of Xev's lingerie, which must remain that way on threat of disqualification.
The team members take turns, transporting Xev's underwear over challenging obstacles, and the first to lay theirs at Xev's feet takes the day.
Tweedle, you idiot! Fellas, help me, help me! Help yourself, you useless - - I'm stuck! - Must be our lucky day.
Yeah.
What's that? What's that noise? Fellas? Fellas? Hey look, there's one there.
What are they? Looks like a carrot.
Fellas? Fellas! Fellas? Fellas? Can I have a blanket please? Sure.
Two more guys, Oliver! I'm getting a little nervous here.
And those missing ones were really great guys.
I know it's a little messy up there Farley, but as long as the ratings keep going up, who gives a rat's crapper? And the ratings are going up, let me tell you - phones, faxes, e-mails by the truckloads, Xevivor's all the rage! Of course, I'm a genius! But - it's not just the studs anymore, Ollie - a couple of the crew have gone missing too.
Unreliable union bastards! You're king of the universe, Farley.
Don't let me down now.
Hey, er - you know like when you knew me before - not that I believe that you did - er, was I like, you know, was I, like - gay? Gay? Gay, gay, you know - did I like men, in a sexual way? - No.
- Oh good.
Why, do you now? OK everybody - it's voting time.
Nelson and Valentino haven't returned from the field yet, so they miss the ballot.
Trouser Snake team - you're immune.
Everybody else is fair game.
The voting booth is right over here, gentlemen.
So let's go! Not so fast, hussy pants.
The vote is a tie - between Nelson and Valentino, the two studs who've yet to return.
So, they're eliminated from the contest.
I punched my ballot ticket for Stanley Tweedle ***I*** know no-one voted for him ***.
He's a **** and he's up to something *** his *** if he comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna kick his *** If he thinks he's welcome at the man's camp anymore, he's got another thing coming.
I really hate his guts! I can't believe how the tosser's going on.
He's a ******* wanker.
Tosser! ****** hate him! I did not come to this island to sleep with Stanley Tweedle - so somebody somewhere better see to it that he doesn't win, understand? Sorry - a deal's a deal Immortal lord of the night, lord of death, killer of man, drinker of blood, of this earth, or somewhere beyond.
All yours.
I've also set it up so that the images will run simultaneously through the computer - you can print frames, magnify, whatever.
Let me get the light.
Transylvania - - land of legend.
- I've held out my whole life for you.
I wanna do everything I don't know much about vampires, and I don't much care, but you can suck my blood if you want to.
The dead do not normally suck blood.
Neither do the living.
- Come on, get up, get up! - Hey! Hey! What did you do to him, Tweedle? What are you talking about? Jinx, man! Last night he slept in the cabin, this morning the only thing left was this! Well, I don't know anything about that.
Besides, you guys kicked me out of the camp, remember? Hope you like this island, Tweedle - it's where you're gonna die.
Oh, is a roll in the sack with Xev worth all this grief? Yeah.
There.
I am interested in this figure.
Of this earth, or somewhere beyond Forget about all that, Kai.
Plunge your stake into me, please! Aha! Kai! Get away from her! Murder the tramp! I will not do that, 790.
- Kai? - Yes? - I have a confession to make.
- What? I made a deal with Prince to get Xev on the Xevivor show, and fixed it so that - Stan would be on the island with her - - Yes.
And I also fixed it so that the show - took place on Zig Zig Island.
- Why? Because Zig Zig Island is infested with alien probes, and I wanted Stan and Xev to be dead, so that I could have you all to myself, without anyone else! What type of alien probes? I don't know! Evil ones.
They've come to this planet to find out what tastes good.
They're transmitting the results back to some mother ship off in space somewhere.
But who cares, so long as they kill Stan and Xev! You're awful! Just protecting my interests, bitch! Day Three.
Once again our contestants are broken up into two groups.
Their objective - take out as many of the other team as you can with your paint gun.
Capture their flag, and return it to Xev.
What'd you do that for? - Because I felt like it.
- But we're on the same team! Hey! Hey Nelson! Hey Nelson, where you been, man? Heard you fled the island.
Hey, Nelson - you don't look so good, man.
Put me through to 790.
You rang, death doll? the monitors on the island, immediately Stan, Xev - you are in danger.
Yeah, like I didn't know that! Stan, Xev - for your own safety, leave the island now.
- Everyone, leave the island now.
- Did that, boys hear you? We all have to - oh.
Take me with you.
I will not.
Here.
Promise you'll come back? I'll wait for you.
We're seeing it on remote cameras all over the island.
Death! Mutilation! People being turned into these cyborg killer things! And these little walking carrots! The whole world's watching Farley - and I mean the whole world, - 24/7.
- It's a phenomenon.
And we are concerned for you, but oh baby, don't worry, we're taking care of you.
We've increased the show's liability insurance to deal with the disgruntled relatives - you know, the mooks who sit at home watching their son get turned into carrot salad on prime time.
The show goes on, Farley! Kissy kisses! Oliver! Oliver! Damn! Hey - you know why this is happening to me.
- It's because of you.
- What? Yeah, it's your fault.
I'm not bad - you made me this way in one of my past lives, and now I'm paying for it.
Isn't it enough that I'm - conflicted inside?! - Can't you just stop talking for a moment? - Oh, shut up! I'm - I'm not gay! It won't help.
Yoo hoo! Calling all drones! The menu items you are looking for can be located on any monitor.
Yoo hoo! Drones! Stanley Tweedle and Xev Bellringer are being observed by cameras located - everywhere! I'm really scared now.
I don't know what the hell I'm paying you for! Will you stop telling me that? I can't help myself, I can't! Hey you, host guy - - The urges are growing stronger! - How do we get off this island? I have to act on the urges, now! Hello, handsome.
I want to taste your meat.
I'll be gentle.
Somebody, help! Help! Help, somebody! Help! Oh, I really love you, I thank you.
- Let's go, Stanley.
- My ankle, I think I twisted it.
Come on, we don't have much time.
- Is your moth nearby? - Yeah.
So is mine.
We have to reach one of them.
Good plan.
/ / Hot damn - who needs the Superbowl! Look - those creatures destroyed the moth.
Right - we're dead.
We should try to reach the beach.
- Our only hope is to swim for it.
- I can't swim! I can - I think.
This way.
I reach Zig Zig Island? Approximately one hour, - my perfect pulseless one.
- And how long do you estimate - Xev and Stanley can remain alive? - Less than that, oh marvel of rigor mortis.
You can't save them - but you can save me.
There's nowhere left to go.
Then we'll die, Stan.
Well Xev, I know I said it before, hope I get a chance to say it again, but I doubt it - - it's been nice knowing you.
- You too.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Oh look, over there, what's that? Thanks for rescuing us, Kai.
I am interested in visiting an area of the European continent called Transylvania.
Why? There may be someone there that fate would have me meet.
Transylvania, huh? Well, that's fine with me.
It can't be any worse than where we just came from, can it? Can it? Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)
Ten virile studs.
One drop dead gorgeous babe.
And a single night of jungle love! Lust and survival collide.
The sea breeze is thick with hormones.
May the best man win.
Any questions - or should I break out the rubber pants? It stinks - like gold! Oh! The stink we love! Great concept Farley.
Who's gonna play the girl? Only the most bodacious babe on the planet - Xev Bellringer! The honey from prison who ruled the Internet, perfect.
Don't I know it! That jug of hot sauce has half the men on the planet bursting their Levi's! I wanna name the show after her, get this - Xevivor! Love it, love it bundles.
ýòî òà ñàìàÿ èçþìèíêà, êîòîðîé íåäîñòàåò It is that highlight, which lacks other show.
Problem, Farley - Roger here tells me every network around's been trying to hire this Xev creature.
No-one can track her down, nobody knows where she lives, she's disappeared.
Do you know something that we don't? Well, I couldn't reach her either, but check it out - a little while back, I get a call from her agent out of the blue some dude named Prince.
We're working the deal, we're getting close, real close.
As a matter of fact, I got him on the line right now.
Prince! You still there, big guy? Sure am, chief.
How's our itch? - Getting scratched.
- Mojo? - Working.
- Whole lotta shaking? - Big time baking.
- Easy peasy.
- Japaneasy! - Righteous! Wicked up! He says money's not the issue.
Prolonged exposure is.
He wants to make sure that Xev's working for the network for a long time.
Of course, done - as long as he can have her on location yesterday.
Prince, you make the gravy, we'll slather the ham.
I like mine from the butt, meat from the sweet spot.
- Fine dining.
- If you like pork.
Hey Prince, pleasure doing business with ya.
Yo momma.
That went well.
It did.
It did indeed.
It's a pleasure doing business with you, robot head.
Yo momma.
Lexx 4.
05 Xevivor You're a genius, Farley - Xevivor's got monster hit written all over it.
Tell me - why Zig Zig Island? I'd never even heard of it, but no matter what questions I put to the computer, it always selected Zig Zig.
Must be the best place.
Robot revenge has arrived - right on schedule.
How many men, you say? Ten.
Selected from the finest specimens Earth has to offer.
Millions watch as they compete against each other in a series of contests, and the eventual winner claims a steamy night of love with the grand prize - you.
Sexy, saucy, scintillating you! And millions will watch the winner and I fulfil this night of love? Most certainly.
Hmm - that's OK.
I like it! - How many men? - Nine, besides yourself.
And the winner gets to rock the love hut with Xev, huh? That's right.
Nah.
No no no, it's ridiculous, I mean, how am I ever gonna get picked for the show? It's already been arranged.
One of the spots has been reserved for a wild card contestant chosen from a computer lottery.
I can guarantee you'll get that position.
Yeah, but what chance do I have once I get down there? I mean, I'm a man's man, no mistake about that, but these other guys, I mean, they sound like they've been training for contests like this all their lives.
What chance do I have to win against that kind of competition? Leave that to me, Stanley.
I promise that when it's all over, you'll be all over Xev.
Why are you doing this? What's in this for you? I'm just trying to give everybody what they want.
If you're off somewhere rubbing yourself against Xev, then I get to be alone with the dead and delicious one, and hopefully rub against him.
Oh, for the last time! Kai is all yours.
Xev can't have him, I don't want him - what's the issue? Those not in love will never understand those who are.
Now what do you say, Tweedle? You and Xev, naked under a tropical sun, with the entire planet admiring your sexual prowess, no doubt leading to all kinds of offers, from all sorts of sensational Earth females! Is it a deal? Yeah, deal.
Kai - will you please check in on the show from time to time? - Why? - I want you to make sure everything's OK.
She'll be just fine.
- Will you do that for me? - Yes.
I agree with 790 - nothing's gonna happen, it's, er, er, gonna be an experience to treasure.
Going somewhere, Stanley? Yeah, down to the Earth, why? I thought that you wished never to visit there again.
Well yeah, but Xev's down there, and-- look, I just changed my mind, OK? Something the living do.
You got a problem with that? The dead do not have problems.
Oo, can't agree with you there.
Hurry along then, security guard - and good riddance.
Yeah, well, you two have fun while I'm gone.
I will if you will.
Now you listen to me, Dr not at all helpful - you're the fifth shrink I've been to in as many months! You blowhards all have the same questions, I don't want any more questions - I want answers.
- Farley! - I want these sick urges to stop, OK? Farley - all of you Where've you been? Listen to what these hack writers penned for me.
There's no way in hell I'm saying this.
"We've assembled some of the most handsomest, most desirable, most bodacious men on the planet.
We brought them here" - oh, come on Pearl, it makes me sound like a homo! A guy who talks about men like that is a guy who wants to crawl all over them - and I'm not that guy, those guys give me the creeps, you understand? Now get it rewritten! Never mind, I'll wing it! Hello, and welcome, viewers from around the globe.
This is a live telecast.
I'm Farley Kuckle on Zig Zig Island, and you're watching Xevivor - the most exciting television event of all time! We've gathered some of the hunkiest, hottest, cut and buffed beefcakes you've ever laid eyes on.
These studs are to die for! They're here for one unforgettable night of love, with the most succulent female in the universe - but don't take my word for it - see for yourselves.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the island goddess - XEV! Hi! Hi! And her sweaty suitors! You! Hey, you - I know you.
Maybe from another life.
No, in fact two other lives.
You were evil and died in both of them.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
I did die in a previous life on another network! When we come back we're gonna pick our wild card contestant.
After all - shouldn't ordinary Joe get to dream the cream dream too? Yeah! Our six finalists are right over there, so stick around.
This better work, 790.
Stanley is on the island with Xev.
- Was this something you arranged? - Yes.
I'm going to help him win the night of love with her.
That will make Stan happy - and Xev unhappy.
I'm a bad head - - spank me! - Hello? Spaceship Lexx, is anybody there, is Kai there? Hello? No-one is here! - I'll get rid of her.
- Do not do that.
But - this is out together time! - I am here.
- Kai! Dr Longbore asked me to contact you, and I said contacting you was OK by me.
He's found some more material that relates to the Divine Order symbol and the things you seem interested in, and he wanted to know if you'd like to return to our planet and examine it.
- Do you want to examine it? - I would.
- No, Kai! - Great! When you arrive, I'll show it to you.
I'll show you everything.
Will you come? I wish to come.
Me too! I'm going to virtually vomit.
But first I must remain here to monitor the television programme on which Xev is appearing.
Oh, you can do that here.
You can do anything here.
- Then I will come.
- Kai! Don't do it! Stay with me and be my cuddle corpse.
It's obvious she's a conniving bespectacled tramp! You keep watch till I return.
Don't leave me!!! There's only one thing to do when the deceased break your heart - And now, here we go for Mr Wild Card.
And that's to make others pay.
Number - Don't think so.
Number - Get on out here! That's me! That's me, that's me, that's me! I'm the winner, - I'm the winner! - Stan?! I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner, I'm the winner! Na na na na na! Hi sexy, hi guys.
- No way! - Congratulations.
- What's your name? - Stanley H Tw - I know you.
Schlemmi, Fifi - you're evil.
Those two must be sucking on the same bong.
I want you out of here right now! Me? You should worry about him.
Looc Xev, it was just the luck of the draw, - and I mean, what can you do? - Crush your neck with my bare hands if I have to.
Well, that wouldn't be very island goddess-like of you, would it? Besides, this whole world is watching.
A full five hours of our broadcast day is dedicated to bringing you all the action of Xevivor, live - because we know you, just like those men, want it all, right now! Do you mind? Do you? The wardrobe must be just so if Xevivor's going to get and keep good ratings.
That shows how little you know, Tailor.
The secret to good ratings is beautiful hair.
You're an idiot, Barber.
The saying is "Dress for success" - not brush for it.
Great clothes, great ratings - period.
Then we should get someone in here who can make great clothes, not the ratings killer that you've designed.
Quiet, both of you! Farley, I don't care about any wild card contestant.
Stanley Tweedle should not be here.
Êîíå÷íî, âûáîð íå î÷åíü óäà÷åí, Well, I know xxxxxxx a choice bad, But that don, is don, lady.
Ìû æå ñ íèì âñå èçìó÷àåìñÿ.
He is vracking awerysinxxxxxx.
Don't worry about it, toots.
I mean, his chances of thwacking your thong come love night are precisely zero.
Look who he's up against.
Titans.
Chiselled Adonises.
Fine hewn slabs of rippled man flesh, pumping out their pungent testosterone musk, causing a deep and powerful thirst, a thirst that can only be quenched when a pair of swarthy, hairy arms takes you into their powerful grasp, and - .
Er - you look great.
Really fetching.
Fetching.
Appropriate, seeing as how you dressed her like a poodle.
You know, if the show were on the hair disaster channel, ratings would be through the roof.
This is a rare Zig Zig chicken - one of the last of its kind.
This critter is gonna sail over the island until we blow one of the balloons by remote, causing it to come down.
Whoever finds it first and lays it at Xev's feet wins the day.
Xev - let it go! Whee! Our champions will go after it as soon as they can climb out of their jail.
Gentlemen - on your marks.
- Set.
- Go! Go go go go! Go go go go! The winner of each challenge is granted immunity from the regular daily voting that eliminates one player from the contest.
Soon, only one lucky man will be left to satisfy my many needs - and I, his.
I'll win.
I'm the best.
The other guys are very good, but I'm the best.
Still, having a withered skinbag like Tweedle around - I dunno, it taints things.
Xev and I, making out like animals on the first night of love? That'll happen.
Stanley Tweedle passing the first vote? That won't.
Thank you.
That way.
That's very good, Farley.
It's no use, Mistress Moonbeam.
The chant's not working.
I feel more sick urges, not less! Your inner child is grieving, Farley.
But I'm not one of - - 7, 27.
- them.
I despise them.
So why? Why do I keep feeling these urges? - What does the tarot say? - The cards show many past lives for you, Farley.
I see - so I'm like this because of bad things I've done in the past? Trust your inner child, Farley.
Well, thank you Mistress Moonbeam, that's really helpful.
Yes! Well, what do you know? Listen - it's not like I believe in New Age hocus pocus stuff or anything, but, er, I was wondering - could you tell me more about this guy who you said was like me? Who you met before, you know, who died? Well, first he was Schlemmi, then Fifi - now you.
Right, but what, like - what was he like? Like for instance, was he, er - gay? - What is gay? - Gay, you know, gay! Like a man who likes other men, in a sexual way - which is not me of course, let's make that perfectly clear, I got "No Trespassing" tattooed on my ass - but, it's just this other guy, I was wondering if he was like, a little - you know.
Not that I know of.
Oh.
Oh, that's a relief.
But he was very sneaky, and he never told the truth.
And liked to kill people.
Yeah? Hey hey hey! No, no, no! Pearl, what's going on? The remote crew reported Stud 9 won.
- Yeah? - Yeah, so - go find him, I want answers! He, he, he, Hey! Will you look at that everybody! Our wild card contestant Stanley Tweedle has won our first contest.
Well done Stanley.
Go offer your tribute to Xev.
Well - yum yum.
Looks like Stan and Xev are gonna have fire down below.
We'll be right back.
What an honour for you to return to us, Kai.
I'll say! You have some material you claim is of interest to me? Straight to business, I admire that.
Tina, please go upstairs and prepare things for our visitor.
With pleasure.
The construction of our space vessel is proceeding well.
You are able to receive television broadcasts here.
I wish to view a show called Xevivor.
Oh, no problem.
Most of us are completely hooked on it.
Next on Xevivor - the vote.
Who will be the first to leave the island? It's a shame that Tweedle freak is immune, 'cause he'd definitely get my vote.
It's Tweedle for sure - the dude's pathetic.
Tweedle - even my dad isn't that much of a loser.
Stanley Tweedle has been trying to get me to ride his tower of power ever since I ran into him.
It has not happened in the last 4000 years, and it's sure not gonna happen in the next 4000 either! Still no sign of number 9? What the hell's going on here? I don't know.
OK.
Well, I'm afraid we don't have the accompanying footage available at the moment.
The first vote has taken place, and the tribe has voted off Stud number 9.
That's right - Hank's history! Âîò òàê.
Äåëî ñäåëàíî! We'll be right back.
Whoa whoa whoa! Nobody voted.
Nobody voted! Now I should know, you know? I would have voted for, er - Stan.
Even if he does have immunity.
Look, there's nothing I can do about it now, folks.
Hank never returned.
Er - my assistant here informed me that, er - he got cold feet, and he bailed.
He was last seen, um, er - stealing a canoe, a canoe.
So, er, let's forget about him and call it a night.
I have something else to show you.
What? An old film I found.
Please, take my - take a seat.
Transylvania - land of legend.
Nestled in the foothills of the Carpathian mountains of eastern Europe is the ancient land of Transylvania, a land said to have all the superstitions of the world piled up within its borders.
Transylvania is indeed a special place that gestates story and legend.
Once the mythological home of vampires, modern Transylvania has progressed far beyond its dark and mysterious past.
And while Transylvania has retained - What are vampires? - its old charm, inside a Europe that has all but disappeared, it has moved forward - A type of living dead.
- to keep pace with the modern amenities of everyday life.
Tourists from around the world flock to Transylvania, not only for its three star hotels and tempting Romanian cuisine, but also to enjoy the splendour - of the Carpathian mountains to take - I've never given myself to a living man.
- romantic rides on horse drawn carts down - I always knew I was - winding rural roads - meant for someone special, - to visit ancient monasteries, medieval villages, - and you're someone special, Kai and natural wilderness.
Not to mention a plethora of cliff hanging Transylvanian castles.
Once considered to be backwards and perilous, Transylvania is enjoying its 20th century overhaul, and now stands as Europe's fifth largest supplier of goats cheese, and second largest manufacturer of - May I view these images again, picture by picture? Sure, I can transfer it to this computer, but it'll take a while.
Do you have anymore information about vampires? The boys have been divided into teams of three for this contest, and all get immunity if they win.
Each team has a pristine piece of Xev's lingerie, which must remain that way on threat of disqualification.
The team members take turns, transporting Xev's underwear over challenging obstacles, and the first to lay theirs at Xev's feet takes the day.
Tweedle, you idiot! Fellas, help me, help me! Help yourself, you useless - - I'm stuck! - Must be our lucky day.
Yeah.
What's that? What's that noise? Fellas? Fellas? Hey look, there's one there.
What are they? Looks like a carrot.
Fellas? Fellas! Fellas? Fellas? Can I have a blanket please? Sure.
Two more guys, Oliver! I'm getting a little nervous here.
And those missing ones were really great guys.
I know it's a little messy up there Farley, but as long as the ratings keep going up, who gives a rat's crapper? And the ratings are going up, let me tell you - phones, faxes, e-mails by the truckloads, Xevivor's all the rage! Of course, I'm a genius! But - it's not just the studs anymore, Ollie - a couple of the crew have gone missing too.
Unreliable union bastards! You're king of the universe, Farley.
Don't let me down now.
Hey, er - you know like when you knew me before - not that I believe that you did - er, was I like, you know, was I, like - gay? Gay? Gay, gay, you know - did I like men, in a sexual way? - No.
- Oh good.
Why, do you now? OK everybody - it's voting time.
Nelson and Valentino haven't returned from the field yet, so they miss the ballot.
Trouser Snake team - you're immune.
Everybody else is fair game.
The voting booth is right over here, gentlemen.
So let's go! Not so fast, hussy pants.
The vote is a tie - between Nelson and Valentino, the two studs who've yet to return.
So, they're eliminated from the contest.
I punched my ballot ticket for Stanley Tweedle ***I*** know no-one voted for him ***.
He's a **** and he's up to something *** his *** if he comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna kick his *** If he thinks he's welcome at the man's camp anymore, he's got another thing coming.
I really hate his guts! I can't believe how the tosser's going on.
He's a ******* wanker.
Tosser! ****** hate him! I did not come to this island to sleep with Stanley Tweedle - so somebody somewhere better see to it that he doesn't win, understand? Sorry - a deal's a deal Immortal lord of the night, lord of death, killer of man, drinker of blood, of this earth, or somewhere beyond.
All yours.
I've also set it up so that the images will run simultaneously through the computer - you can print frames, magnify, whatever.
Let me get the light.
Transylvania - - land of legend.
- I've held out my whole life for you.
I wanna do everything I don't know much about vampires, and I don't much care, but you can suck my blood if you want to.
The dead do not normally suck blood.
Neither do the living.
- Come on, get up, get up! - Hey! Hey! What did you do to him, Tweedle? What are you talking about? Jinx, man! Last night he slept in the cabin, this morning the only thing left was this! Well, I don't know anything about that.
Besides, you guys kicked me out of the camp, remember? Hope you like this island, Tweedle - it's where you're gonna die.
Oh, is a roll in the sack with Xev worth all this grief? Yeah.
There.
I am interested in this figure.
Of this earth, or somewhere beyond Forget about all that, Kai.
Plunge your stake into me, please! Aha! Kai! Get away from her! Murder the tramp! I will not do that, 790.
- Kai? - Yes? - I have a confession to make.
- What? I made a deal with Prince to get Xev on the Xevivor show, and fixed it so that - Stan would be on the island with her - - Yes.
And I also fixed it so that the show - took place on Zig Zig Island.
- Why? Because Zig Zig Island is infested with alien probes, and I wanted Stan and Xev to be dead, so that I could have you all to myself, without anyone else! What type of alien probes? I don't know! Evil ones.
They've come to this planet to find out what tastes good.
They're transmitting the results back to some mother ship off in space somewhere.
But who cares, so long as they kill Stan and Xev! You're awful! Just protecting my interests, bitch! Day Three.
Once again our contestants are broken up into two groups.
Their objective - take out as many of the other team as you can with your paint gun.
Capture their flag, and return it to Xev.
What'd you do that for? - Because I felt like it.
- But we're on the same team! Hey! Hey Nelson! Hey Nelson, where you been, man? Heard you fled the island.
Hey, Nelson - you don't look so good, man.
Put me through to 790.
You rang, death doll? the monitors on the island, immediately Stan, Xev - you are in danger.
Yeah, like I didn't know that! Stan, Xev - for your own safety, leave the island now.
- Everyone, leave the island now.
- Did that, boys hear you? We all have to - oh.
Take me with you.
I will not.
Here.
Promise you'll come back? I'll wait for you.
We're seeing it on remote cameras all over the island.
Death! Mutilation! People being turned into these cyborg killer things! And these little walking carrots! The whole world's watching Farley - and I mean the whole world, - 24/7.
- It's a phenomenon.
And we are concerned for you, but oh baby, don't worry, we're taking care of you.
We've increased the show's liability insurance to deal with the disgruntled relatives - you know, the mooks who sit at home watching their son get turned into carrot salad on prime time.
The show goes on, Farley! Kissy kisses! Oliver! Oliver! Damn! Hey - you know why this is happening to me.
- It's because of you.
- What? Yeah, it's your fault.
I'm not bad - you made me this way in one of my past lives, and now I'm paying for it.
Isn't it enough that I'm - conflicted inside?! - Can't you just stop talking for a moment? - Oh, shut up! I'm - I'm not gay! It won't help.
Yoo hoo! Calling all drones! The menu items you are looking for can be located on any monitor.
Yoo hoo! Drones! Stanley Tweedle and Xev Bellringer are being observed by cameras located - everywhere! I'm really scared now.
I don't know what the hell I'm paying you for! Will you stop telling me that? I can't help myself, I can't! Hey you, host guy - - The urges are growing stronger! - How do we get off this island? I have to act on the urges, now! Hello, handsome.
I want to taste your meat.
I'll be gentle.
Somebody, help! Help! Help, somebody! Help! Oh, I really love you, I thank you.
- Let's go, Stanley.
- My ankle, I think I twisted it.
Come on, we don't have much time.
- Is your moth nearby? - Yeah.
So is mine.
We have to reach one of them.
Good plan.
/ / Hot damn - who needs the Superbowl! Look - those creatures destroyed the moth.
Right - we're dead.
We should try to reach the beach.
- Our only hope is to swim for it.
- I can't swim! I can - I think.
This way.
I reach Zig Zig Island? Approximately one hour, - my perfect pulseless one.
- And how long do you estimate - Xev and Stanley can remain alive? - Less than that, oh marvel of rigor mortis.
You can't save them - but you can save me.
There's nowhere left to go.
Then we'll die, Stan.
Well Xev, I know I said it before, hope I get a chance to say it again, but I doubt it - - it's been nice knowing you.
- You too.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Bad boat.
Oh look, over there, what's that? Thanks for rescuing us, Kai.
I am interested in visiting an area of the European continent called Transylvania.
Why? There may be someone there that fate would have me meet.
Transylvania, huh? Well, that's fine with me.
It can't be any worse than where we just came from, can it? Can it? Mikl, Bars (ñèíõðîíèçàöèÿ è êîððåêòèðîâêà)